Emotional Hunger

I'm feeling emotional hunger. I keep trying to feed it comfort foods but of course they don't even really taste good. Or if they do, it's over quickly and I don't really feel better. I don't know when I will feel better.

Every day I have felt buffetted and bruised by whatever develops. Each one brings a worse bit of news, another lost opportunity, a new pain I hadn't anticipated. I get angry fast and eveything hurts. I spend a lot of time conversing with myself in my journal, as it is one thing that calms me. I guess I feel if it is recorded, it's more real. And it helps me work through it to some kind of more peaceful acceptance.

I went to Kiva yesterday but I won't go again if I can help it. I spent too much money and my needs are overwhelming. I know I will run out of things I like, that are somewhat helpful, but I think maybe I can turn to cooking and baking and not have to endanger other people by wanting tapenade and cider and fresh bread. I'm good at self-denial so I can live on some pretty plain fuel if I need to.

I'm vowing to stay in. I don't even know if I can. I will have to do a few things out there, but I'll try to minimize it. I generally love isolation but this is too much of it. The prospect of doing this for another month or more seems impossible. It's a sinking feeling.

I know one of the best things I can do is disconnect and get involved in a project, and I have some to chose from, but I haven't had the energy. Nothing seems important enough or worth the effort. I don't want to waste this time, but it seems I have to spend some time first grieving.

That's what it feels like, grieving the losses. Most of them haven't even happened yet. Fair hasn't been cancelled yet. No one I know has died or even gotten sick. There's a flush of activity going on online that is a kind of delight as people find things they can do to connect, and some of it is lovely. I suppose the online opportunities will just continue to grow. It seems like they can only grow to a point, though, and then here we still are alone in our kitchens, waiting for this to be over.

It's the strangest thing I've lived through, following the most bizarre few years of my external reality. The political situation, the many hours I've spent working toward this Park Blocks remodel, this giant project of trying to encapsulate Saturday Market in words and notebooks, this aging process that will have me turning 70 with no party, all of it.

I'm questioning why I think it is so strange. It's just my life, things I've chosen and things that have happened, and what did I expect? Maybe I didn't expect anything, maybe that's the problem, maybe I should have had some expectations. I feel things emptying out and leaving too much space.

It's reasonable to think the Park Blocks won't be remodeled. The stock market tanked so badly, and the City has had to spend so much on this current situation, that it seems like Town Square could be derailed. Maybe not. People are still working on some things. Not everyone's projects and events have evaporated. It could still be happening. But I don't have much enthusiasm for it. I worked really hard for over a year, planning and working for something that seems very remote at this point.

I really want some certainty. That could be my biggest want, just something to be pinned down and ready to be planned and worked on. I should really do something concrete. I'll try that tomorrow. I do better when I am working.

I hope you all are doing better than I am tonight. Be strong.