Some business is not funny

 I've been interested in my process of dealing with a pretty big disappointment. It's a business issue, so I'm not going to go into detail about it, just about my emotions around it. I know, just business, no emotions needed, or appropriate, by the business rules.

That's not reality, though, is it? Anyway, for me, it's about change and loss, and I've gone through waves. I haven't talked about it really...told three people but not in detail. Only a couple of people know the whole story and probably that won't come out. Again I am reflecting that justice doesn't really get an airing in most human situations. We kind of expect some kind of trial sometimes, or a judge who will rule on how the deal went down, but it isn't that way. Maybe the court of community opinion will make some rulings, but they will be based on whom the storyteller is. 

Our loyalties will be part of the story, and those are things we make up to fit our needs and our view of our actions. Some of it is romanticized. What prompted me to write was a video of Pre-Fair 2022 that brought up a lot of feelings. I didn't participate in 2022, in person, but I did perform most of the tasks and volunteer things I've done every year for awhile...a decade for most tasks, and forty-some years for some. Because a lot had continued for me, a lot of the emotions rode along, despite the many sore points from things that had transpired over the pandemic.

There's no judge, but I can easily project judgement and that's part of why I want a trial...to plead my case. But when I dig down into it, I don't know if I could win that case...some of my arguments are specious and some of my actions were glossed over by my romanticism. I get attached to meaning in actions, meaning that I invent to enrich the service. There are tons of layers of this in our community...we all reach to our organizations and our activities within them for lots of what makes our lives feel purposeful. Those things have been eroding...and I've been in denial about the parts I was holding onto. Erosion usually does result in a landslide, despite lengthy efforts to mitigate it and prop things up for one more go. Gravity is real.

I want to tell people how much I give, or gave. One year I did someone's work for them and gave them the money...it was a lot of money. They needed it, and it was the right thing to do. One year, two years really, I donated a shit-ton of design work and knocked myself out to create financial leverage with my efforts. I was a part of keeping all of the dreams alive during the pandemic. I spent a lot of time trying to lead in ways that supported expanding our views of the ways we support and use our organization and basically keeping things going while the world got sick and many people died. It helped keep terror at bay to know that our orgs would survive and were bigger than any of us. I did it all joyfully and while being inspired by some amazing and inspirational people, many of whom gave way more than I did.

I gave a room of my shop over to storing a giant pile of things for what turned out to be two solid years. I worked around it and kept it safe. I didn't send a storage bill. I actually did and am doing that storage for another organization, too...in a different way. That pile is going on a lot more years...four now, but again, it is by choice and at some point I will reclaim my space. Not a big deal, but I find myself trying to list all of the ways I gave, to balance the ways I failed.

I'm trying to stave off the final emotions of guilt and shame which I fear will be the lasting ones, which will leave a tarnished, sour veneer over my decades of participation. I made a couple of mistakes. As a recovering Catholic I always think I should have to pay for those things. Forgiving myself is a far greater challenge than forgiving other people for their transgressions. Isn't there a commandment about that? Too bad I have no belief in God to sooth me through this. There's no reward in heaven coming for any of this, though I do have some lasting part of me that wants to prevent me from taking any revenge or trying to pin blame, adding any sins to the mix. People all do what they think they have to, for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with my emotions. I don't even expect people to know about my emotions, much less support me over them. That work is mine to do.

In some of my volunteering, I put up with bullying and kept working. I always prioritized quality work and speedy delivery and overworked quite often to be dependable, and I am proud of that part of it...I know what excellence is when it comes to my work. Some of what motivated that was loyalty, though...not wanting to disappoint key people whom I admire, wanting to help make their overwork less, or anyway not on my account. I know a lot of people who prioritized the orgs over themselves and most of us are feeling the same type of deep disappointment at this point. We've lost something intangible and we don't expect to recover it. We're questioning our ability to continue to give. Some have decided, and walked away.

If there were a trial we would sit in the gallery and nod and grimace as the stories were related about the many unfair things that have happened. We'd gasp and pound our sticks on the floor when lies were told. Some of the lasting stories are going to be based on lies, and there's nothing to be done about that. I always believe that truth will come out, but not all of it will. 

There are ways to rationalize most everything and I've done a bit of that. I'd testify that yes, I knew the consequences but went out on a limb for the greater good...but of course that doesn't justify my mistakes. I had plans to fix those mistakes, but I was naive, and loyalty was one of the things I was counting on. Loyalty doesn't actually go very far in the business world. The value of it, though great, comes with some strings, like situational ethics, and it's ephemeral and held in the imagination. What I saw as loyalty can be twisted to seem self-serving or appear as collusion. Lots of people are out there twisting things. Who knows if we would get a fair judge in this trial who would see who was lying and who was telling the truth. We don't have one, though I do think a lot of people I know can see truth and falsehood fairly clearly. 

I do regret that I held back useful perspectives in ways that enlarged the eventual damage, because I felt like I had to. I spent many hours on my deck writing in my journal trying to figure out how much I should say and why, knowing I was being used and not knowing how to get out from under that. There were things I didn't know that would have influenced me and things I set aside that I shouldn't have, in retrospect, but I am just terrible at predicting the future and my imagined one was much more just and positive than the one that developed. I'm far too trusting and easy to manipulate, and it has taken me many months to add things up to find a different set of sums. I've uncovered some details that are kind of scary...but it doesn't help to bring them to light at this point. The deals are done.

During this week of observation I've thought about a couple of solutions just to see how they felt, and have come to realize that there is nothing to do but let go and move on. I want to try to rise to my best self and not throw blame and not feed any drama. It wouldn't help with the already-determined outcomes and it would make us all feel worse and lose more. I want to summon my graceful self and release the wish for a judge and jury to vindicate me. Maybe that's weak. I admire stories about people who fought despite being in a losing position and won...but this situation isn't quite that clear. And I don't have that kind of time and energy, or skills and resources.

I'm not going to be stubborn and see what I can salvage. I have plenty left without that one thing, which had a lot of value to me, but which I can easily replace with other, more valuable activities and options. Ultimately work is something people can take advantage of me for, and I sometimes feel that way about it, if I don't have a lot of control over it. I've grown used to having control of my work, and I feel better when I do. I have no shortage of ways to fill my time. I've been worrying about the end of my life...there are many things I must do and just as many things I'd like to do, and the shortage of time is much of the reason I don't get to them. So I can see this as the gift of my time back. 

I'm going to shed the emotions, and try hard not to land in the shame place. I can fight for myself that way...to imagine that if there were a judge, I would win the case. What I have given is more than any ways I have taken, or benefited. Feeling shame is one of the big ways my upbringing and subsequent braveries settled in, that does not serve me. That fight is worth fighting. No one can shame me without my consent. And it gives me power to take hold of my inner workings and work it all out.

I can take back more, and I might. It's inevitable that I will at some point, and though I will let some people down who have depended on me, maybe it's just someone else's turn to give. If my gifts are seen as tarnished, I can just take them off the table. Pearls before swine kinds of things...I don't want to do that out of my hurt though. So I'll wait until I am not so tender. 

I'll wait until I can hide my feelings and make it "just business." Because that is the way it works in the business world, not that it is somewhere nice to live. It's not, but you can depend on it if you are willing to accept the strength of power and lies and manipulation and cold clear injustice prevailing. 

I've got to land somewhere in there that doesn't hurt anyone else, and at some point, doesn't hurt me. It's just my turn.

It all gives a lot of depth to what I'm simultaneously trying to create...the funny bizness of Jell-O bizness. I like irony and emotional depth though. Channeling all of this into an art piece will feel SO DAMN GOOD!  

Getting started when it didn't snow like they said it would

 Is anything ever simple? I'm in the mood to find something that is...usually some kind of work, for me. Too cold to work outside, though I am hoping for snow as that simplifies things for me. I just want to watch it fall while I eat some comfort food. I always like it when nature takes over and shows us the folly of taking every activity and human impulse so seriously. Maybe not always...but I am willing to surrender to nature.

Surrendering to life, I guess I am practicing, but I'm going to keep doing the things I do until something prevents me from it. I climbed up into the very large apple tree last week to cut off some of the highest branches in my ongoing effort to keep the size contained and the branch direction downward, or at least not upward. Made some progress and thoroughly enjoyed it, knowing the whole time that anyone seeing me up there would be horrified. Actually I am safe...I have places where I can sit straddling big branches with plenty to hold onto when I do move around. I make sure I have three points of safety in every position or movement. I've never even come close to falling or slipping when I'm in the tree. I make sure to come down before I get too adrenal or tired, and I only spend an hour or less up there every year. Every year I figure it's the last time. I've been a tree-climber my whole life and I will be sad to not be a tree-climber. But age is coming, always coming for me. 

My workload as a screenprinter is still quite do-able and my schedule is really quite light, as I have lots of inventory and only need to add a few things to the retail. June might be a little crowded as I have a short family reunion back east in June, but I don't anticipate the amount of overwork I have done in other years. I'm planning on OCF at the moment but still worried about Covid. My goal at this point is to start a transition to ending my booth there. I still need the money so it will be a few more years I guess, depending on how it goes. I don't think I have some of the people involved who used to be. I think the young people have moved on. Some of the elders have maybe as well. But nothing about doing that event has ever been pinned down that tightly so I'm used to some uncertainty. The 4th of July is an unwelcome wrinkle this year but I'll find a way. Problem is that once my stuff is out there, I have to be out there, and it's too hard to get it all done with a Wednesday arrival. So we'll see. I'm still fantasizing about simplifying. I can do it!

Speaking of fantasy I've been watching one of the adjacent properties to my house as it sold and is now a rental. They built a fence right across the backyard which divides it in two, and I'm wondering if they are trying to do that permanently. If so, I wonder if I would want to try to buy the half that I look out upon. I got pretty excited about that. I'd get a lot of sunnier space for gardening, two apple trees, a cob house, a shed, and would have a big yard instead of a small one, plus control of the vegetation that hangs over the fence. It was a fun fantasy for a minute. I could maybe even leverage it with my good credit and savings. But of course then I would be in debt, for the rest of my life, and would have more property tax and insurance to pay and probably a maintenance nightmare with the cob house. It's not a dwelling, has no plumbing or electricity, but I could use it as a studio or guest house and could love that. All in all I think I would be super happy with the whole prospect but it is not something I will really pursue. It doesn't seem to be currently listed anyway, but I wouldn't even have this house if it had been a decision just up to me...I'm just not a risk taker. I needed a push. So the reality that I have no partner to lead me through something like that is just a limitation I can't overcome. Same for any big project...I'll just put those off until I'm somehow forced to deal with them. I sort of plan to do them, then just don't until the proverbial ship sails and a realistic decision is made. Same for a lot of things. Decision-making is hard, and procrastination is much easier.

So I'm waiting for snow and whiling away my day writing down my thoughts. I'm not deciding right now about something really important that I just learned about last night. I did want to commiserate with someone, so I told a friend this morning who said all the right things, and that was helpful to clarify what I should, think I have to, or actually must do. Nothing right away. It's something that weighs heavily in my life so needs to have careful thought. It's not simple, but there are simple ways to deal with it. The complexities are a mix of projection, drama, and things I have no control over. I have the ability to set those aside and not consider them. Making the decision and outcome a clean process and resolution are very high on my list of ways to handle this. I figure if I give it a few days the projection and potential drama will settle out of it and what would work best is not to feed those. If I just do my best and plan to be my best self, I can rely on myself. I have a good record of that and now that that's settled, I can move onto the next thing: what am I doing today to be productive?

It's not snowing and it's the middle of the week and I have many choices, so I'm going to pick one. Maybe a couple. Being productive settles me down and makes me happy and feeling like I deserve a reward so then I can eat something delicious and read something from my towering piles of books and maybe doze a bit like all the old people do. Knowing me I will probably pick a couple of projects and do something on each. I've learned to keep projects at a point when there is something easy to do to get started again, so I can just launch in. Now that I've written something (which is productive, as it keeps me typing and spelling and trying to articulate which are important skills) I could get busy writing something more. 

Okay, revising the script it is. I have been advised that all of my lines need to lose the grammar and structure and get punched up to sound like comedy. This is a style issue...I think my long sentences are funny, but this is not a mainstream opinion. I'm not writing "my script." It's not "my show." Ego has to go and the job has to be done to fit the needs of the troupe, audience, goals of the event, and the moment we are living within. I hope I can channel all that into my edits. It's tricky, but a good problem to solve without having to get up out of my chair and fight the kitty for another spot. I'll just keep writing, but on another page. Maybe snow later for a reward. Could probably go ahead and start eating the comfort foods, because no one is watching. And none of it really matters, in the very big picture.

Fighting the Norms

Not my tree...

 It's sunny, and I am going to prune fruit trees today, but there's still frost and my hands do not like cold, so I have a few minutes. I'm trying to untangle a lot of complicated thoughts so I'm  looking forward to the kind of day when my mind can drift around while I attempt to create some order in my habitat.

I live with visual clutter and I don't  hate it. I've always created it, and while I can appreciate the peace of a simpler view, I need visual references around me to put together my concepts and do that further study that deeper thoughts require. So I have piles of unread books and unsorted papers and lots of postcards and little images on my walls. Not everyone would be able to thrive or even stand to be in my environment. 

In my yard I try hard to maintain spots where birds are protected and I throw seed in there so they can eat without the many cat predators. They turn over the leaves and eat insects there too, and though my yard is small, it seems wild to a degree. Right now I have tons of sticks and I find most of them beautiful. So I gradually put them into the stick tote and save a lot of branches just because. If you've seen my booth you know I find lots of them useful.

Some of my tangled thoughts are about cultural appropriation, as it keeps coming around, mostly from defenders of it. Their thin arguments are that it is appreciation, everybody does it, and so on. My feeling is that once you have seen it as racist, the discussion is over. If an oppressed group tells you something is hurtful, you listen to them. Even if it is "not everyone in the group" that says so. Often defenders of it claim that they somehow got permission from one of those people. It's basic to me...if someone tells you something is hurtful, stop doing it. 

I've done approproated in my artistic past, and enabled it, and it's still hard to say no when I am asked to participate. Often the people are my friends and we'd like to agree to disagree, but once I realized it was racist, that just ended my ability to rationalize it away. I don't think I, as a white person, get to decide what is racist or not. That comes from the person on the receiving end. So when two letters from white men I kind of know were the only statements in the Weekly letters that weighed in on the Shedd show where a blonde woman sang a Billie Holiday tribute, I wanted to write one back. I didn't (yet) because I thought maybe a BIPoC person would. But I expect a lot of people are pretty tired of having to explain it. 

It does seem like there will always be apologists for racism and oppression, and maybe a lot of people have learned to just not give them a bigger platform, and ignore them. You can't expend all of your energy trying to change the minds of white men who don't get it and don't try to. It's one of the reasons I stopped identifying as heterosexual...I did not find men, in general, trying to keep up. 

Valentine's Day always tires me out, too. So het, so focused on that two-person couple who must trade expensive romantic gifts or fail at love. I am just not very capable of tolerating romanticism anymore. It's destructive fantasy for me. I actually don't care about your anniversary. Sorry if that seems unfriendly, but it just doesn't interest me. It's not just that I don't have a partner. I get the usefulness of the bonding rituals and of having supportive partners in this difficult life, but I don't like all the fancy wrappings for what is a basic decision to partner up in an attempt to make life easier and arguably, deeper and more complex to navigate. I see that there are rewards to working in relationship, and I suppose if I had found some better opportunities, I could feel differently. But I didn't, and am not looking for them now, and am happy in my ace solitude. And I can buy my own chocolate. 

It's similar in that once I realized how destructive romantic fantasy could be, I couldn't go back. I know how good it can feel. I'm happy for you if you have found your way to a nice place there. Just don't have time for it.

I'm interested in working in community and in relationships not based in sexuality, which is why, I suppose, I support four essentially nonprofit organizations. I go to their meetings, I try to be helpful by communicating as well as I can and doing whatever tasks I have skills for, and mostly I enjoy it. But sometimes it gets ugly and I can't extract myself, in a couple of them. I've learned to be patient as things come back to where I feel ethically and practically able to continue, and sometimes I just take quiet breaks like I plan to today. I've tried to disconnect from any urgency to do the tasks to anyone's else's sense of immediate performance or arcane rules and I just keep doing them the way I think I should. It works pretty well.

Watching the rise of authoritarianism and the departure of a lot of the people I enjoy and respect most is pretty hard though. I support their choices and I expect to have to draw my own lines like I did on the "transparency" issue of meeting recordings. I could go. I would welcome having more time to do things like this (though I might have less material to write about....) 

A lot of the things we work on are circular. We discuss things in one of my committees for years. We sort through them, make a little mostly unseen progress, and then when new people come into the discussion we do it again. It's the way it has to go, I think...building consensus takes a lot of discussion. Conditions change and that changes the parameters of the possible solutions. But again, I have patience. That's why our discussion issues need to be posted on our agenda and scheduled for discussion over the long stretch of time it takes to figure them out so they work for the largest number of people. 

It's not ideal, but anytime someone swoops in with an authoritarian solution, that just ends the progress. The discussions derail and division occurs. You would think this would be obvious that authoritarian, top-down decision-making rarely results in change that works. Anyone who knows our community knows this. You need consensus or the drive for it. It's often called "buy-in" in our mainstream framework and that's similar, but you never hear about "buy-out." That's what's happening now. People are being closed out of the consensus-seeking process, and they are bowing out. It may be intentional on the part of the authoritarians. Makes things easier. You can ignore the people who disagree, when they consent to stop trying for consensus or a voice. That's one reason I tend to be stubborn about walking away. But I have not been put to the test, personally, as much as some others.

I mean, I did choose to stop performing and enabling cultural appropriation. It cost me some friendships, and will cost me more, I expect, because I'm not going back to agreeing that it is okay. I might not confront it as boldly as I could. It's still complex and layered when it comes to art and to a few other areas, but I'm gradually getting clearer on how to deal with it. If there's a question about it, just don't do it. And support the people who come from and speak from the cultures being stolen from. Not that hard. 

I didn't write the Weekly. I had a letter printed just a week before regarding archival accuracy. Not related, but I have a terrible tendency to dominate discussions if I don't check myself. A lot of my complicated feelings from a meeting last night were that I kept speaking out of turn and not raising my hand. I worked to stop but I go to a lot of meetings where we don't need to raise hands and I also think faster than discussions move usually, and I want to direct them in useful ways. I am probably arrogant about it. I've been told that everyone else in the group (a different group, and by a misogynist) is "cowed" by me and won't disagree or dialogue with me. I interrupt. I have conversations with people who can interrupt each other and still feel like it is a conversation...a couple of conversations at the same time. It's not the norm. Fitting into the norm is not easy. But I used the mute button on myself as much as I could. Still need to do better.

Yeah, I don't have a lot of time left to fit into the norms. If the norm is going to be authoritarian and heterosexual-only and infused with white supremacy culture, I don't have time for it. I have a lot of work to do and these days and years are short. So do your best to keep up, if you want to work with me. I don't think that's arrogant. I think it's practical. I think it's necessary.

I know many of the things I want to accomplish will go unfinished. But I am going to get my fruit trees pruned, and that is what matters right now. See ya!