I Can't Talk About It Right Now

What to say? I'm really going to miss Beth...but I'm on the Search Committee for a new SM manager so I can't say anything about it. Everything is confidential and the challenge is to remain impartial and not be involved with anyone who is seeking the job, not give anyone an advantage. This is harder than you think in such an intimate community, where I am certain to know many of the people who apply. But I am determined to do a good job, to do my part to help our organization keep its feet and continue through the seasons for the long haul. So I can't talk about that.

Bags that went around Market on Saturday for Beth

I know part of the reason people read this blog is for reassurance, that we are on the right track and living right, amidst the many challenges we all face individually and collectively. I can report that we are. The whole process is just the way we usually face difficult situations: we look to our structure and policy and just walk through the steps, doing additional research as needed. Our Board and personnel committee took on the challenge and set a process in place. You can view the ad and job description online and applying is easy. Built in are opportunities for present staff, Board and members of the organization to meet the top candidates and express their thoughts. I am confident that our policies are well-thought out and thorough, and that limits my distress to my personal fears about the confidentiality part, and my personal sense of loss that I won't be working with Beth any longer. Those I will just have to handle myself.

So I'm keeping busy canning tomatoes and getting ready for the wetter seasons. I slapped up some paint on Tuesday and got ready for rain, making a list of all the things I had hoped to do in the dry months. Maybe we will get another week or two of hotter and dryer weather, but maybe we won't. My projects will survive another winter.

Canning is messy and takes time but the results are so well worth the effort. I have peaches, pears, a little grape juice, whole tomatoes and juice for the winter, plus all the berries my freezer will hold. These will all be treats to open when I am tired of winter apples and everything being imported from Argentina. Making the effort and then admiring the clean kitchen and gleaming jars reminds me that such efforts really are rewarding when we stop to appreciate them. Yes, go ahead and extrapolate that feeling to the knowledge that most efforts are rewarding if we stop to feel the rewards. They might be hard to see.

For instance, my confidence in the strength of Market policies and practices didn't come from faith. I have attended oh, so many meetings over the last many years, gotten to know my fellow members, had many discussions and arrived at this point of understanding using diligence and acknowledging the efforts of others. Nobody does a thing alone in the Market, or at OCF. Both member organizations have a built in success factor in that so many people are involved, noticing, and thinking, that it is extremely rare that something is really left to individual effort.

This means things can move slowly, but if you aren't paying attention you might think something is being pushed through by someone's ego...I ask you to look closer and ask some questions. What is the history of the situation? Did some of it get started a decade or a few decades ago? Is the work generally done in a committee, at the Board level, or by Operations or management? Does it conform to the bylaws, which is the first law of the organization?

Being on the Kareng Fund Board during the campaign to get the non-profit designation 501c3 has been an educational adventure. We were covered by an umbrella organization for our first decade, but in order to increase our funding base and be able to give more donations, we grew into our own. It was scary but we took the steps as they came and were guided through the regulations, and I committed as the Secretary to making sure I read and understood all of the documents, materials, policies and procedures.  We got the determination letter from the IRS last month, but I'm not finished yet with my commitment. I have to go back and read some things many times to be able to call them up from memory when needed. This has made me more automatic in remembering to look to the bylaws and guidelines of my organizations when I have questions, instead of responding emotionally to my concerns.

The evolution of effective responding to frustration has taken a lifetime. It's pretty easy to set up a rant about the Junkyard Dogs or the Elders or the Management or some other aspect of an organization as big as OCF, that is, it is easy until you get to know one of the people with that label and you hear or think about how things might look from their perspective. I know I am tired of listening to the rants, so imagine how tiring it must be to be a frequent target of them. As a volunteer and officer of these organizations I do feel like a target sometimes, which brings great unease and mistrust. In a rant situation it doesn't matter what my level of dedication, personal integrity, or knowledge is, because I am not really the target of the rant, as hard as that is to remember.

Rants come from the fear place, from the fearful person who does not know the effective, productive way to get their concerns addressed. Blaming someone, railing against *the system* and throwing up one's hands in disgust and dismissal is a pretty easy way to opt out of really being a part of the solution. With these organizations, policy is created and changed slowly and carefully while involving lots of people with differing opinions and stakes in the outcome. Committees hold discussions, try to find agreement or consensus, and then pass their conclusions up to the next level of commitment. Ideally, before these policies appeared to frustrate or scare you, lots of people already addressed the issues that concern you and made a careful decision about their weight. OCF makes effective use of open forums where anyone can come and learn and listen, and be listened to as well.

Yes, they may have neglected to ask the particular you, or keep you properly informed, or get the particular nuance that disturbs you. That, my friend, is on you. Whatever the structures are, including the newsletters, the meetings schedule, the representatives on the Boards, the staffs and offices, all are open to you and will continue to open more as you involve yourself. You may not find this easy. You may feel unwanted, misunderstood, not listened to, or not agreed with. You may be tempted to go away mad and give up.

I've done all of these things, including writing the nasty letters, bringing up the questions I felt so brave to be the first to bring up. Funny now to see how I was just part of the dysfunctional pattern when I did that, something that was not revealed until I had actually rolled up my sleeves and pitched in. When I was an outsider I had a lot more fun, as complaining is easy compared to sitting through hours of meetings trying to find common ground with other people bringing their fears and skills together to accomplish some small step. Changing policy is hard, methodical work. You have to think through many possible repercussions and try to project into the unknown future, keeping the common good in mind. 

At OCF we (the Craft Committee and others) are actually going all the way back to the bylaws and into the history to compile all craft policy in one place, so that it can be clearly communicated, researched, and used fairly. This is more complicated that just extracting lines from the guidelines booklet, and we are deciding on things like the definition of *handcrafted*, and of *crafter,* looking at every single word and making sure it still serves us. Harnessing our language and our publications is challenging and necessary, but it has involved two long Sunday meetings so far, and we have barely begun. I look at Path Planning and Barter Fair Committees and see that this kind of work is not quick work, but ongoing effort. It's easy to see why so many people opt for the rant position.

Facebook has changed us now, given us a place to rant and to draw others into our dramas, but it functions the same way as RL in that other people come along, voices of reason or observers with objectivity, and education happens. Rudeness and self-serving attitudes are exposed and the group agreements are set. At Fair we like to keep the illusions that we are family and treat each other with Fair ethics, and at Market we try to keep each other in the basket and also feel part of a family. Kareng Fund kind of seems like the grandparents sometimes, as Elders Committee probably does. We don't want to let go of what we have built, or what has been built by those who worked before we came along. We are invested, and want to protect our investment.

I would caution here about having a feeling of too much ownership. Sometimes after long years of service, we can get a little too attached, feel a little too essential and thus too powerful. It is a struggle to maintain equality. Elections give us a chance to look at that, decide the line between too much and too little, strive again for balance in skills and dedication to our common goals. Every volunteer should take such feedback in, when they hear it. Everyone should know when it is a good time to take a break, step out and let someone else step in, trust that everything we do can be done by someone else, maybe even bring in someone with skills to share, mentor them.

It is a huge control pattern to think that I am the only one that can do a thing the right way, whatever the activity, whatever the task. Learning to trust others and see their level of dedication and commitment as just as valuable as ours can be tough. Feelings of ownership lead us in the right direction, but they have to be tempered by the greater love for the organization, the membership, and the common good. We may not get what we want, but chances are good that the group will get closer to an elegant solution.

Sometimes it is a great option to step out a few steps and gain new perspectives. I was pleased to find so many good writers in the Saturday Market community recently, when several stepped up to write little essays in the newsletter. I see a lot of members writing in journals throughout the day...I think there are many people who can and do write thoughtfully about these organizations. When I am quiet, and listen, other voices can be heard. I trust that. I even trust Facebook as one way to tease out new ideas and go over old territory in new ways. My need to control things loosens up a little when I listen to other people work their way through tough issues and come to great and helpful conclusions.

Not always. People do make mistakes, as I have and will, but we can accept that too and keep moving in a positive direction. Change has happened. We reeled a bit but pulled together and will stay on track. I am here to reassure you, but you really don't need it as much as you thought you did, I hope. There are lots of good people doing good work. Look around with some trust. Don't bite each other when you are afraid. Don't chew on your own leg, as you are not trapped. Look for an opening, and when your opportunity comes, take it.

Fear/love, same old dynamic. Put away some food for the winter, get out your turtlenecks and rain gear, and keep up. You can do this. Come down to the Park Blocks and be with us. We want you. Find the areas where you can do a little work, and pitch in. It will take the efforts of all of us to really make it good.

Like the bags we passed around the Market last week, the results might surprise you. We are an amazing community. We are so lucky Beth recognized that, rolled up her sleeves and pitched in so effectively. Now it is your turn, and if you are already pulling your weight, thank you so very much. Now, just keep working.

Change, damnit!

Yesterday my writing group met out on the deck and listened and watched thirsty birds trying to be brave enough to get the water which was too close to us for their comfort. Then last night was the first night I closed the windows. Autumn is coming, and I can't do anything about it.

I used to think it was the gradual dying of the plants I love that bothered me, the slant of the light as the days got shorter, the anxieties of going back to school after the stretched out days of summer, the urgency of finishing the outdoor projects...but now I think I just don't like change. Not a new thought.

Yet I don't want everything to stay the same, and I know it won't. I'm bothered by development, and hate to see the trees cut, the old houses madeover into modern-looking ones, the fields turned to apartment complexes. But me being bothered by it doesn't stop one project, one remodeling, and refusal to keep up just causes things to get harder and more frightening.

So it isn't really change I can't accept, it's my resistance to it that is causing the problem. So last night I crawled into bed early and woke in the pre-dawn to contemplate. I put on a turtleneck and longjohns, fleece socks, made coffee, and thought about it. Read the paper...full of change. Thought about the projects I'm currently doing...nothing but change. Felt inside for what is really bothering me.

No one died, well, no one in my close circles, today, but someone will. Maybe not tomorrow, but it's gonna happen. Even to me. No one rejected me, no one "broke" my heart, which can't really be broken, just pushed around a bit. In fact, the change is really not even about me. There's more work to be done, work I would rather not do. Yet if there is one thing I am good at, it is work. So that can't be the problem.

Maybe the problem is the nature of the change. Concrete change is one thing. I moved a big rock, one almost too heavy to lift, but I thought about it, rolled it onto my knees as I knelt beside it, and leveraged it into the wheelbarrow with my pelvis. Put it where I wanted it to go by rolling it over. I didn't ever really lift it up, but rather worked with its weight, applied a bit of cleverness to the problem. Got that sense of satisfaction for a concrete, tangible task well done. So, problem solved: effective change.

But the messier stuff, the people changes, those are harder. What kind of work do you apply to changes involving large groups of people? You almost never get to wade in and start sorting things into piles and assigning tasks to dependable do-ers who will not bother you until their tasks are finished and they need more to do. People changes can't be done by one person applying physics. So what is required?

Patience. You don't know all of the effects of the change when you are entering it, so you will have to wait as more is revealed, clarified, and the tasks you can take up are identified. You might want to remain calm and in a receptive mode while you watch things unfold a little. Panic is resistance. Resistance is pain. Have you noticed when you get an injury that it hurts a lot more when you are scared? Calm down, get some ice, take some ibuprofen, sit down for a minute and let your thoughts slow. Maybe you're okay. Put on your longjohns and close the window. Go to bed early and look forward to a glorious sunrise.

It's still going to be summer for a little bit. We got our first rain on Saturday and nothing really bad happened, nobody crashed and the world moved on. We took off our jackets and resumed our complaining about the 90+ temps. We can do that innumerable times in a season, and we will. Then we'll go inside for Holiday Market and see the new backdrop mural and see that change is lovely, and worth waiting for.

Practice. You have experienced change or injury before. What worked? Who did you call? What was the first step you took? When you think about it, every action you have taken in your whole life prepared you for this present moment. What are the skills you depend on? I know I have a great capacity for dependability, steadiness, honesty. I can be the rock in a flowing stream, I can stay in one place while all kinds of chaos goes on around me. I may not like it, the chaos may resemble icy cold water, but I know how to be the rock. I can practice breathing, listening, looking around. Maybe I'm missing a tool that I need that is right behind me (okay, I'm not the rock now, I'm the tool-user.) But yeah, you've practiced lots of skills for this, and you have a few tools you haven't even used lately that are still there for you.

Trust. The one thing you can depend upon to happen is change. You have made it this far. Trust yourself to make it a bit farther. There is no reason to think you will fail at this next phase, because you have proven yourself to be a survivor. So, look around at all the other survivors and trust them to stay in the boat and keep rowing. (yes, my metaphors are ranging all over the place today, like a little herd of mismatched goats.) (As if goats can match.) There are lots of people who care just as much or even more than you do, and will bring their skills to the tasks. Some of them will even be concrete tasks, not messy ones, and you will find one that suits you and makes it easy for you to help.

Allow. Just because something was not your idea or doesn't fit into your plan, within your resistance you still have the power to open to the change and find the silver lining. You aren't being asked to love the change, just allow it to happen. Don't stand in the way. Be the rock but don't put yourself right in the middle of the road. Don't divert the stream unless you really want the pond that will develop. Let things flow.

Love. An over-used word with too many meanings, but here I intend it to be the antidote to fear. The opposite view, the move around the immovable object that abandons the use of irresistible force and just is. Just look at the problem and think about what it would look like, what it would feel like, if you really got behind it and saw it as the best thing that ever happened. That's a big stretch sometimes, but it reminds you that there is a spectrum of emotion you can apply, and you will do better down at the love end that you will down at the fear end. For someone, this really is the best thing that ever happened. Or if it isn't, it might lead to the best thing. Or if it doesn't, the next correction might be the best thing. You do not know.

Be curious. Turn anxiety and distress into curiosity. What will the change bring? Something unexpected could develop. You want to be able to see it and hear it but if you are not listening and noticing, you might miss it. You might keep going down a hard road when right next to it is a softer path. You might miss some joy while you are busy being angry or grieving or crawling into bed early with your turtleneck on.

Show Up. Isn't this the biggest rule? You have to be present. The change will happen, and it might hit you harder if you aren't there experiencing it when it happens. You might have to add the emotions of missing out, not being part of things, being late to the party. There is bonding that happens when people do things together, hope that arises when allies unite to a common goal. We might really need your skills to apply to this. Be there.

And then. What? Know when to stop writing? Know when to keep quiet and think some more? I'm no expert. This particular change that is driving this post is still sitting in my stomach as anxiety. My heart isn't hurting yet. I think I'm not allowing that. I cried for a minute, but that was relief when I realized I knew what to write about this morning. I know the cure for my stomach is to get up and get to work. Eat some comfort food to make sure it isn't hunger and to sooth the little girl inside, and take a look at today's list. All those items on it will stay on it until energy is applied to them. More items are coming to add to the list. Do one of the ones near the top, or a lot of little ones to make it shorter. Get to work.

That's my sage advice for the day. Soon you will know what I am referring to, and you will join me in taking the first steps to solutions. Take the ones you can take, and don't worry. Don't worry about a thing. All will be well. That is written.