How to Hope and Care

It won't be helpful to anyone, especially me, if I just recount all of my fears and dig deeper into despair. I've always actively blocked that progression while at the same time trying to sit with my emotions and at least try to name them. It's interesting to me how my fears have changed over this last interval. It has to be in the context of the last few years to be of future value. I write it all in my journal every morning but when I look back at the dense pages, I don't know if it will ever be very useful.

Losing track of the days a little, so I looked back to see when the last time I left the house was...only a week ago really. Probably only went out three or four times in the last month, to meetings mostly. It was nice to be able to sit in a room with people. Gonna be awhile for that. At least we have the internet.

I feel myself getting more selfish and wanting even more isolation, which doesn't seem to be the way most people are feeling. It's so easy to talk yourself into holes without anyone to disturb your perception. For me the meetings were the way I would force myself out of the house to be social. If I had a responsibility, I would meet it. Now that I am relatively free of responsibilities, my motivation level is low.

I see those lists of disciplined actions that would be good to take. Clean something every day...yeah, should. That excuse of not having time has thinned. I have been working on cleaning up my reading piles...all those old New Yorkers and Funny Times are going, unfortunately into the recycling as no one wants to touch things previousy touched by fellow humans. Having a lot of "what's the point?" reactions to the actual work I have on my desk and in the shop. Feeling productive is the point...I do feel satisfied when I am productive. But the days slip by and I congratulate myself if I even do the dishes or move some projects ahead a little bit. Working in the garden to secure my future food supply was helping...hope it warms up next week. Wish my neighbors would not use so much Febreeze or whatever it is that turns my air toxic. I feel like viruses are constantly drifting over from their partying lives. I get angry at them.

Reach out to someone...yeah, no. I'm finding myself less interested. Isolating as the norm might break some of us more. Fears accumulate in our bodies and there's no way to counter them right now. Music sounds hollow and naive. Looking to celebrities for inspiration just makes me angry.  But music has those chords that move the heart. Crying a little helps. I'm into Alicia Keys today, and her many collaborations. I am so glad I don't live in New York, but glad I did once, so I know what it feels like. Why it is important.

I miss Colbert, though. I'm now in the habit of watching the late night shows, have been for quite awhile, though I have little tolerance for reruns. I have been enjoying seeing Jimmy Fallon at home. He has an amazingly playful house, that although it makes me resentful that people have so much money, is fun to see. He's trying hard to amuse us and he's endearingly human. Colbert actually started scaring me with his drinking and I have to marvel at myself for thinking that these are the people in my life. It's hard to see myself as someone who spends hours watching TV. Yet that is what I am doing.

I just got a text from an old friend who is bringing me groceries and plants...I am floored and tearing up at that kindness. I've said no to other offers...I don't see myself as kind and generous enough to deserve the help. It's a poisoning that's happening as we separate further and further. I admire people who are going the other way, and vow to follow their example. Ask what I can do to help instead of what do I need? It's that deprivation damage...holding on tight to everything in case it becomes even more precious. Forgetting how good it feels to share and let go and see someone enjoy something. Deprivation got in deep in me and maybe this is the time I move through it. I am noticing just how much I have stockpiled...I have a lot of safety and abundance. I have gathered that for myself, and that was a form of love. I miss having a child at home to focus it on.

Being strong and staying strong isn't a quality, it's an effort, a process. A series of choices. Every day, every hour, we get another chance to do better. We don't have to be kind, we can be a little kinder. We aren't feeling good, but we can go through the motions and notice when we feel a little better. We can offer comfort or just listening and push down our anger and disappointment that we are not offering more and better comfort or less-selfish listening. Just do a little.

This is not just a waiting game. It is indeed a transforming. It is a time when we are called to work, to work on our assumptions and our neglecting and our inadequacies and our forgiveness. We have to start at home alone. I have to forgive myself.

I have to hope for myself, and then I can also hope for you. And I will, and I do.