Full Up

 So much to write about today. Market was so cold, then so hot, then so cold. I really really miss summer. And I miss tourists! There were some, but the less-than-full market rewarded at least me with dismal sales. But I did have the usual amount of inspiring, super-enjoyable conversations and so much laughter and food and reasons for joy. If you haven't tried the Basque cheesecake at Aida foods at the farmers' market, sure it isn't Dana's but it helps. And the Hedge Witch on our west block (usually) has shortbread cookies that are divine. Plus we have the new breads and treats from Huggen Kiss Bakery who always has a crowd. Dang, I just realized that my new pledge means I can't say any of their names either. I knew there was some mistake in making a concession. (I'll be sure to tell you if you ask me in person.)

One of the benefits of these emptier markets is that the shy people feel safer to engage. I have some customers and friends who won't come around when they see I am busy selling, which is of course respectful and proper, but I am always there to do a lot more than sell crafts. All of us are. Beth regularly reminded us and wrote essays on the subject of us being more than a market. The community gathering at the center of town carries a weight and gravity of its own and after this long, lives on its own terms. We are an agent of part of it, but not the whole, and not that important to a lot of people. I don't want the No Kings march to protect my income...I want it to protect my country and its people!  

When people don't have money, they are still welcome to come and see the entertainments, busking, and random things like the people with the pet possum who bought it a little tie-dyed shirt. I guess that member has a lot of stories about items sold to people who were buying them for unconventional purposes. Made me want to repost this odd photo from the archives. Yes, this happened. In the 70s. 

I want people to just come and visit, walk through, whatever they want to do. Play chess on the lawn, sing to me, show off your body art, come ask the sewists what to do with your reclaimed fabric from Aunt Lud. Whatever you want to do! It is your space too. 

Since a community gathering place was new, so many  people always came down for so many reasons. We've had every kind of animal I think, and still see parrots and lizards and kitties in strollers and all the kinds of dogs, and so, so many different and fascinating people. And this has continued to happen weekly for thousands of weeks now (30 x 57, roughly...more really since we used to sell in December there too.)

I always say that it is still different every week for me, always delightful in some ways, perplexing in others, and sometimes it takes awhile to process things. 

Like, someone told me no one believes what they heard about me. Why did I not ask them what that was? I know some of the things that have been said, and from observation of how it worked with others, I can certainly fill in some of the blanks.

Several women I know of a certain age were said to be doing things that indicated they were acting from some type of mental illness...they said unintelligible things,  had irritating habits, were irrational, or just spewing negativity like me. They sometimes needed help as has been offered, in setting up or moving things, but that help had a limit on it. 

Some people pay for help, and that's an option if I am disabled, like I was when I broke my wrist. I declined that help and just took October off (sadly, because it was probably the sunniest and busiest October ever) but there are lots of ways to ameliorate aging or disability or curtailing of membership and those things are now part of my plans. But I directly witnessed these personal attacks and it took me awhile to see that pattern and even longer to see it applied to me. It is presented as an endearing story, like the time I took a suitcase left on the sidewalk to the corner, not knowing the person had made threats about it. Fortunately it wasn't a bomb, but this continues to be used as a dig that portrays me as naive and gullible. Hey, I am, but you don't have to spread that. I am also smart, savvy and informed and educated. And good at pattern recognition! 

I'll repeat that no official actions have been taken against me, but the beatings will continue until morale improves, as narcissists always have to win, and bullying is a beast.

Bullies and narcissists isolate their victims, so they will be discouraged and embarrassed and won't seek help, but I sought plenty of help this week and I'm standing strong. I'm not the only person being bullied, and the pattern matters, with many people in our community trained to see patterns and even to act on them. Using the organization to bully is particularly egregious, so anyone doing that should think again. We are a mutual benefit nonprofit for the benefit of members...so we will stand up for each other (theoretically) if we are actually finding the facts and not a lot of confusing gaslighting and false narratives. As I've said, I tell the truth, so maybe other people are lying. Always a possibility. Consider your sources if you are hearing things about me...come ask me! I am approachable unless you have bullied me before, and maybe even then. I did develop a no-contact policy for people who bully me, so I may decline to speak to you, but then again, depends on your approach.

Don't violate my boundaries. I've been clear about them. I require professional, formal communications from my organization regarding my business and livelihood. Still waiting on those. Even the NoC did not come in the form it was supposed to, and while I tried to get out ahead of it with a letter to the committee, that didn't help me and I won't do that again. Over-explaining is one defense tactic bullied people often engage in, but it doesn't work, just provides the bully with more fuel. I reacted out of the stress, as it was calculated that I would do, right before OCF. My personal bully knows all about how to get to me. I put it all in here, since being vulnerable is part of my plan as a writer! They say you sit down at the keyboard and open a vein. I do that but didn't realize it would bring me more than I expected. Yup, naive. 

And again, if people haven't learned in the last few years, with all of the available information about these patterns, stand with the victims. If you are wrong, you can always shift your alliance, but first honor the oppressed person and look for the evidence. DARVO, in which bullies play the victim themselves, is a huge weapon used in these patterns, because a liar and manipulator finds it easy to do, and is usually skilled. Real victims often struggle through intimidation and fear, and don't know who to trust. But they will tell the truth if they feel safe. So help them feel safe. Stand next to them! 

Like for instance, people who have always greeted me in friendly ways didn't yesterday. So can I trust them to uphold my constitutional rights? Am I safe with them? The number of people I feel safe about at the market went down radically. Most of them were not there yesterday, but there is another factor in play...guilt by association. If I am being accused of something, that somehow extends to everyone I am seen talking to, which in any given Saturday is in the dozens to hundreds. 

So friends become reluctant to engage, just in case. Being isolated in the public square is particularly painful. I see some people new to town who don't know how lonely they look to me...because I have been there. I try to smile at everyone. I belong there. I have earned everything I gain from the  market through my hard work and dedication to the common good. So ask yourself who you are listening to, and what their motivations might be. Broaden your perspective. 

In response to what is going on, I checked my copy of the Bill of Rights. Sorry, USA, not that helpful. However, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is packed with articles and statements that I can use in my defense in the event of the legal actions that I was threatened with. I think I would win even if I wrote my defense myself. However, if any of my lawyer friends want to give me some guidance, I would be happy to listen. I was hoping a couple might stop by yesterday, but mostly I just had my market friends to commiserate with, some of whom are in the same position of being oppressed by authoritarian forces. I remembered that I even know some judges personally. I feel protected.  

But of course I thought about walking away. Even my membership is not worth giving up my human rights. Even if I had to live in my car I would be a writer. So there's that.

And, there is the public forum of the community we live in. I can access that at any time, and a free speech issue would be juicy and fun for everyone. I noticed a lot of letters in the RG this morning and a greater effort at transparency. There are members who are also ready to focus on that. Currently we have so much gatekeeping that you can't even secure a copy of our bylaws without asking someone in power for it. That can't be legal. 

I was advised to make sure every member sees those letters. I'm not quite ready to go there, but every member has a vested interest in that. Kicking me out would not go well. I'm just supposed to be threatened by it enough to shut up and hang my head in shame for speaking out so coherently. I don't think that is good for the community. We want transparency, accountability, safety and that old prosperity and fun for everyone. 

I know shame. I'm not feeling it. I'm vaguely uncomfortable about making any changes to my writing at all, but as I said, my duty of care is to the organization. We're all struggling enough to make a living right now. But next week is No Kings! Imma make some big signs. I hope my lawyer friends will stop by. 

 Joy, everyone! We have many tales yet to relate.