Triangulating

 I'm sure people are getting tired of my focus on narcissists but when you are being bullied and targeted, it takes a lot of your time and emotional energy, so it keeps coming up. One thing I discovered recently was that I was being used by the narcissists to bully someone else.

Triangulating is when the bullying is done indirectly, through a third person. What's happening for me, is someone is paying close attention to things I say, changing them to be disparaging, and making sure they are passed on to another vulnerable person. This is probably happening in more than one way. The only way you find out about these things is when the victims get together and air the issues that have been manufactured to be between them.

This used to happen in my family in a fairly benign way...siblings would go to Mom with their complaints and she would obligingly try to fix them for us. We were just trying to be safe with each other and didn't realize we were doing it, but my brother called it out and once we saw it we tried to stop. It took awhile, as it is easier when you are challenged about confronting personal issues like so many of us are. If you don't feel safe, it seems easier to be indirect and this allows things to build up until the misconceptions can really damage the relationships. But my brother works hard at clean communication and he helped us figure it out and stop using Mom. I, for one, was grateful. We don't get born knowing these kinds of things...it takes work, patience, and self-awareness.

I'm a lot better in writing than I am in speaking in person, and most people aren't, so things often go quite far without being addressed in my life. When a mean person inserts themself to misrepresent things, it gets built up to be relationship destroying. Mom was pretty innocent and nice, and our issues were just little sibling insecurities mostly, but the issues don't have to be big and important for people to feel hurt and treated badly. The bully likes it when it hurts, so they have no problem using actual words you said to hurt someone you had no intention of hurting. They just leave out the parts where you said things that were reasonable or forgiving and understanding.

One of the issues recently was that I found it not ideal to be referred to as an elder, with the associated idea that elders might not be around long, so you ought to appreciate them while they are here. Not intended to be insulting, but to people my age, death is a very different reality, along with the end of our productive years, our health complications, and the many things that make us retire or suffer crises we are not in control of. So in my work life, especially when OCF elders are actually retired people, which I most definitely am not, I would like a better term for me. I posted on FB about it and a lot of people agreed with me. It isn't a compliment but younger people think they are honoring us...not their fault. So I did complain, but also spent a lot of time trying to think of better terms so I could suggest them to the person who had said the thing. I didn't come up with much...it's so common to use elder, and meant to honor, so what works better? I kind of settled on asking to be focused on for my work, not my age. But I never went to the person who had said it to suggest the correction, because time had passed, it wasn't that important, and again, it's common. It was actually a refreshing change for the older ones among us to even be noticed, with all the usual emphasis in our culture on the new and young.

But they heard through the triangulation that I had been offended (actually I was amused, and not offended) and had held it against them as a criticism, which I really had not. It was said, I mentioned it briefly, but it didn't seem like something worth taking any further. And they were hurt. We may have cleared it up when she told me I should always bring criticism to her directly, and I said that I would have, if it had been important enough to me and I had a constructive suggestion. 

It wasn't a big deal but it revealed a pattern, that other things I had said were transmitted in that same way, so things added up for her. She then had an issue with me that was in the way of our working together, and thankfully she did bring that up when I didn't express any of my issues when we had a meeting where I could have. I rarely do bring up issues like that, particularly when it is connected with someone's job, so I didn't even have any to discuss. I assume that everyone is doing their job as well as they can, and I cut people a lot of slack and let them do it. I'll work around them if I need to, or avoid them if I have to. But I am generally not out to change people or their behavior, as I do not want people trying to do that to me. But she did have issues with me, so we emailed about them, and each got to give our perspective, which worked for me and I hope did for her. I tried to make my apologies not have those added clauses of excuses and reversals that apologies so often include.

Anyway, that was not the biggest issue of my week but I thought I would try to remember the triangulating tactic so I could watch more closely for it. Apparently I am not as safe to use my free speech as I would like to be. When there are mean people around, it is important to be careful, so the hurt doesn't spread as far as it wants to.

 In other news, I went to the lane County History Museum and connected with the Curator of Collections in a fun way. They had a little collection of early Market history which I loved to see, though it was mostly not new info for me, and I also viewed a great scrapbook by Donna Fogelstrom on the beginnings of 5th St Public Market, which I had never researched and it had a lot I didn't know. We talked a little about my other historical passions and I will have to go back soon as they have a great reading room now where the gift shop was, with a lot of things I want to look in. I so love research. I think I missed my calling and should have been an academic. I guess being a writer is close. It would have been a loss for the world if I hadn't made all those t-shirts too, I suppose. But I might have to do a post about what I learned there...right after I do that wrap-up of the Jell-O Art Show that is so overdue.

Rainy market tomorrow, first one of the season! Could be pretty wet. I got out the weight bags and booth sides and the whole deal and am planning to rough it, because it is usually kind of fun and people still buy hats. Plus, it's my job and I like to do it. Even though my week was a bit less than productive, I still have the most important day of it, so I'm ready. Let it rain!