Refreshing and Reframing

 It's hot. Day off, so I don't have to be productive, except I have so many things to do I still feel compelled. I didn't really get the house cooled off enough so being lazy might be the important task of the day. 

Market is different for me...I resigned as Secretary at the August Board meeting, so it has been about a month, and it's an interesting transition. Part of it is a grief process as I figure out new motivations and roles for myself after 15 years of making the Secretary role an essential one. The biggest part of that was then feeling responsible for all of what the organization did...I had the duty of care and loyalty to answer to and handled so many crises, including the near total loss of all of our systems and staff at the same time...fortunately we worked hard to recover as much of it as possible and rebuild, which was mostly successful. It was very difficult in so many ways. 

It was not a burden I could carry any longer, and as my performance at all the tasks slipped, I grew increasingly unhappy with my ability to stay on top of it all. Having the legacy project of the archives staring me in the face every day, I realized I had to prioritize getting that finished and out of my livingroom. I have to navigate my actual survival at this age. 

I'm doing well for 74 but the reality is that some things will get increasingly harder so I want to apply as much energy as I do have to the many tasks of finishing up a life. I have other archives besides Saturday Market, and all need to be organized and placed withe younger people or in places where they can reside. Of course I don't know who will want a lot of it, if anyone. So for the parts that are discernible, I need to move to get those in place. It gets overwhelming fast.

 I'm focusing mostly on what is outdoors and one thing was this wood rack that was the first thing I built when I deconstructed the back half of my house in the mid-1990s. Apparently I had no idea bout removable fasteners aka screws and this thing was full of giant nails. It had a lot of wonderful and heavy wood stored on it and listed toward my neighbor's fence as it sank into the mud. At some point I removed everything and put some concrete pads under the legs, but it was still leaning and there was a possum and raccoon sanctuary in there. I didn't really mind that, but it was ruining some of the wood and not helping with the leaning, so I decided to take off the top layers at least. 

As I worked on it I talked myself into removing the whole thing. I put up brackets in my shop to store the siding and other good boards and that turned into a lot of wood storage but my thinking is that now I can at least access it, it will stay usable, and I have an opportunity to use the wood before I have to get rid of it. I'm scheming on a potting shed type of extension and a couple of other projects so I can give the boards one more life, but I'm also trying to be realistic.

I'm not great at getting rid of things. It's getting easier, but I like to use things up and I do get attached to the possibilities of them. I have a few piles accumulating to recycle, and I will need to complete those processes before the weather really turns, but I keep putting off the actual driving to the places with the stuff. I'll get there. It's supposed to rain Wednesday so that's a motivator. So today I should get out there and keep at it. I did manage to knock the rack mostly apart on Friday before it got way too hot. There are still a lot of pesky nails and pieces of wood to deal with. The shredding tarp was too big to get into the garbage so that will take a little longer. I cut a piece of it off but I only get picked up every other week, though I am patient. Probably I need to work harder on getting over paying people to do things like take a load to the dump. I know it would be worth it. And now this rack is a thing of the past. I will dig up the photo of me so proud of building it at the beginning of my project so many years ago. I'm glad I remembered to take a photo.

As far as Market goes, I made myself skip the Board meeting despite the draw toward at least listening in...I just have to work on that gradually to disengage myself from feeling like I have to do things as a volunteer or it will all disintegrate. It won't. People are stepping up, and many other people have the knowledge and will to cover what I was doing, so it's some getting over myself and some allowing things to happen in different ways than I would do them. Attachments. 

I was seeing my influence diminish and was having mixed feelings for a long time as I released things and released myself from caring so much. Some areas are easier than others...it's like the training I have had to do to not get involved in people with cars as they use them to load and unload...it's not about me. It's not important that my opinion about it is heard. 

The whole process of letting go is what this part of my life is going to be about. Every aspect of that is hard but just takes practice. I can get good at it just like I have gotten good at holding on. I can put that caring into the archive project instead of putting as much into the living market with it's daily and weekly wrinkles. I'm questioning what my motivation will be...it has gotten really hard on Saturday mornings to just get going. It doesn't help that my anxious cat likes to wake me up at 4 so I don't get enough sleep. It doesn't help that August sales have slumped but that just helps me feel more connected to members who don't sell as well as I am accustomed to doing. As I remind myself, the successful times come and go. The persistence pays off, but only if it comes with flexibility. I don't really have a choice, anyway...it's my income and I need it as long as it is available to me. 

Yesterday I had the kind of experience that makes the big difference...my neighbor was this young man who made cookware and shared my love of so many aspects of crafting. It was his first day and he had sold other places so really could see the ways Market shines far above a lot of other selling opportunities. We love history, wood, creative solutions, having a lot of skills...it was such a pleasure to meet him and tell him a few of my stories. He said such kind things at the end of the day. I was reminded of my value that had slipped in my own estimation as I grew less committed to holding everything to my high standards. I hope I can remind myself every Saturday that you just do not know what the day will bring and you don't really want to miss it...there's going to be something. And if there isn't, you will create it.