The Beginning of August

 I stopped writing in the spring, and not because I had no thoughts...I didn't feel safe expressing myself. Looking back, not a lot has changed, but this week I resigned the position of Secretary of Saturday Market. My reasons were personal...call it burnout. 

I'd been considering it a long time...I remember back in 2017 or so saying I would serve for one more year. I never found a time without a crisis to handle. I felt needed and wanted to get more things in place before I left volunteering...and I go back to about 2009 in this position, before Beth resigned herself.

I wouldn't say this is a time with no crises, but I just find myself unable to pitch in anymore. It is not a particular issue or situation, so don't speculate about it. I have just served long enough. The longer I sat on that decision the more hypocritical I felt, so I just did it with little notice at the Board meeting. 

The relief is amazing. I immediately realized I could write here again, and express my opinions again, without feeling some breach of the duties of loyalty and obedience and care that an officer is bound by. I don't anticipate any rabble-rousing or anything. I deeply need a rest.

The amount of time freed up will be instrumental in meeting my personal goals of this next phase of my life. I am 74. I have limited time left to finish the SM archiving project, deal with my other archives, and get my end-of-life plans in place. There is a lot of property maintenance to do. I have legal things to get into place, medical things, transitions to plan for. 

I have people to treasure before they too transition out of reach. I have books to write, and so many books to read. I have many possessions to shed and projects in progress. If I get extra time, I can learn to relax better. I can simply focus on my own priorities instead of always putting Market first.

It's an immense change and I am experiencing some grief processing as well, of course. I'll just be a member, and of course still plan to support my fellow members in their work. I don't want to undermine anyone else's efforts. I just want to be out of the pivotal position I was in, even though it means not being as "in the know" as I was. I expect I will shed my need to know. 

I've enjoyed not having a vote, trying to stay in a more or less neutral position, but I was beginning to struggle with how to disagree again. I had been there before. I didn't like the dissonance and am glad to be free of it. I have always had honesty as my number one value and I need to feel free to speak honestly without feeling disloyal to anyone. I gave up trying to find someone to take my place and decided that was my own control issue and I could let that pass. People will feel more free to take on the jobs when my oversight and modeling is gone from it...they can do it the way they envision it.

I do wish the other leaders the best. I felt bad that I couldn't let them know more in advance but I don't know how well it would have worked to try to transition out. Seems cleaner and more supportive to just step away and let the important tasks rise to the top and be taken on by the many capable people within the membership. No one has to worry about my scrutiny or my high standards or my historical concepts of how things should work. 

It feels like a bit of an adventure now. Tonight is the Slug Queen Coronation which is just a ridiculous thing to participate in and it may relieve me of my seriousness for a bit. August is the perfect time to have more time to myself...I love summer and plan to enjoy it very much. 

Of course I still plan to sell every week as I still need an income and I'm not planning to retire from working...just from working for free. I may get lazier...we'll find out.