Just Don't Comply in Advance

 And don't follow illegal orders.

I'm trying to restore my sense of peace and safety in this new year but it hasn't quite gotten there yet. It's not a simple thing to do, considering the political situation and how the culture has changed in response. The authoritarian attitudes and skills of predatory people have become much more the norm than is healthy or acceptable so I don't expect the rest of my years to feel great. If nothing else, the climate situation is a constant threat.

Getting rid of disturbing or demanding people, groups, or activities only helps a little...ignorance isn't bliss. I really don't do well with this freezing fog, either. Maybe when the sun comes out I'll get back to pruning and yardwork, which I enjoy and generally can do no matter the weather. Once I get out there it's always fun. 

My wrist injury is in the past, but as a cautionary tale I hope it always resonates. I bought a sturdy stepstool for my kitchen. It has helped with a cleaning project that I have possibly not done in the twenty years I have lived here...cleaning behind the stove. I built these cute cabinets around my little stove but accessing them is tough and it's been on my list for a long time to pull the stove out and clean everything. I had some of my jar collection back there and probably need to get rid of it, but I'm not quite ready. I feel like glass jars might become an endangered consumer item...I suspect most jars and bottles used today are lined with plastic to make them lighter and cheaper, if the products haven't gone all the way to plastic.Of course I won't get rid of canning jars.

I have this odd earthquake preparation habit that makes me keep things that aren't immediately useful and jars are among those. Food storage will probably need to increase in the recovery period for such a disaster and I have lots of water stored too. I hesitated to put any water behind the stove, because if the jugs break, it will be hard to clean up, but maybe they won't break. I put a few there because I also have to do my preparation for being an old lady and that means removing things I can trip over like water jugs. Haven't gone full on there because I love my throw rugs. Maybe I've had all the broken heels I'm going to have in my lifetime.

Lifetime...it seems way too short now. I still have a lot to do and the will to do it is less...I want more reading time and less work. But I also need to be productive so I keep trying to get interested in my projects. I got out my house and neighborhood research but had to put it away as I just can't do it now. It's Jell-O Art Season and that's going to start taking a lot of my time. That's a lot of fun, but also work, and I need to feel some passion about it for maximum art value. I made some pieces to get started but it wasn't enough fun.

Succeeded in finding a nurse practitioner who will take my new advantage plan but don't have an appointment until August, which is fine actually. I don't want to go to any appointments for a long time.

Today is my third session at trying to write this...had a lot of distressing communications to deal with but I finally just drew the self-preservation line. Adrenaline is my main negative health consequence of this life I have created and accepted...and that damage is cumulative. I don't even want to know what my insides look like, my brain and heart. Caring too much is a type of disease I guess. We have to release ourselves from it to restore.

But I think a lot about the 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture and I think Right to Comfort is one of the main ones I have to fight against. Thinking we can just sit in the rose garden and be served in so many ways is deep within most of us without our direct knowledge. Why should we have to grapple with these complex issues we didn't create? Can we really have any influence? Obviously we see that we are still operating in strengthening them if we don't fight. Complicity, white innocence, allowing ourselves to be soothed into believing that we won't be directly affected...easy ways out. Not watching the inauguration will have little effect...and if you look at the DC march happening today, you can see that it is not very multicultural. The votes taken in November show that a lot of people hung back and let this happen. It's not going to be easy to recover from this election. People who will be directly affected are convinced that the majority did not care. Actually the majority probably does care...but we have gotten to a place where the majority is not in charge. So if we care, we have got to get a lot louder, and a zillion times more inclusive.

Looking at my microcosm and seeing how the majority is disenfranchised has been daunting...I'm not afraid to analyze my own complicity even though I can't take any of it back. I tried to go along so that things could rebuild without more struggle but that sadly did not help. My reluctance to keep speaking up did not protect me from damage and it allowed the authoritarian influences to strengthen. Institutional memory is imperfectly carried in fewer people as time goes on and there has been a direct and effective campaign to push the lessons of the past aside and insist that "this is the way we're doing it now." It's pretty frightening to see what we've lost. I don't know anyone who was afraid to speak up during previous management structures and now nearly everyone is. Communications are minimal and dripping with control and dismissiveness. Bringing the problems is now the crime and solving them is just not a priority. We're headed for much harder times and I'm expecting the burden to be heavy.

Fortunately I know my worth, finally, as I approach age 75. I have skills and the means to support myself and thrive at least physically, if I'm careful and diligent. I see now that I can't count on it as heavily as I thought I could...OCF pass costs rose 50% over just the last few years...that won't stop. All of our fees at SM went up last year and it wasn't enough...will the people doing the financial work have better solutions than more increases? The results of that for both organizations will be decreases in membership and the positive regard of members for the needs of the organizations. We expect good management that honors our needs. Whether we're members just starting out or those facing the diminishing of our capabilities, the majority of us have limited resources and other options besides those two selling opportunites. Not recording and analyzing our member trends leaves the orgs without the knowledge and tools to prevent the erosion that we've seen before. Quitting or quiet quitting is already happening. People are afraid to speak up and think that they're the only ones having problems, so solutions are way out of reach. First you have to acknowledge the problem, right?

But I stepped out of leadership so these solutions are in other hands now. All of the institutional knowledge I carry is not going to be accessed and freely given as it has been for the last couple of decades. WSC does not really honor the wisdom of the elders...individualism convinces people they don't need history or the community to do what they see as applying their skills to the issues. When the skills are domination and control, I feel like this is ignoring the social progress that the larger, multicultural society has made over the last forty or so years. Progressivism is out...fear is in charge. 

It takes inner strength to get through times like these. I'm trying to build more of that and see trends rather than believe the presentations. I've seen bad leaders before. We've always been able to move past them with common values, common sense, and speaking truth. It's harder, but it's not yet impossible.

Democracy dies in darkness though. Secrecy is not going to be a good plan. We can all continue to demand transparency, details, discussion. Keep looking for the win-win solutions instead of the win-destroy solutions. I do not want to be on the winning side when the fights are not fair. I'm embracing my strength as a loser and someone who will be vulnerable to marginalizing. I hope I'll be speaking up. 

I hope you will be too.