Flooding the zone

 We're all going to have to keep reminding ourselves all of the things we learned about bullying in the last go-round. Their tactics are very identifiable so don't let yourself get buried in reaction if you can help it. Go back and refresh yourself on things like DARVO and co-dependence. When there is a controller there is a complier. Maybe don't be either of those.

I read that as many as 40% of people are authoritarian-leaning...they like being controlling or controlled by other people, stronger, smarter people they think. I'd guess they don't even recognize some of it, since it feels normal to them. One thing I learned about predatory people is that their sycophants cozy right up to them because it feels safer there. When you are looking out at and pointing to the same victims, you feel less likely to be a victim yourself. Of course it is an illusion of safety, not real safety.

You aren't respected by the oppressor, you're convenient to be used to add legitimacy or help them be respected. As a person who was subject to tyrant behavior since birth, I am pretty easy to manipulate, so have learned many ways to identify my emotions around it and work hard to not submit. Many times I have recognized it but gone along anyway for various reasons...I actually agreed with what they wanted, or it was easier, or I didn't want to get boxed in or out by giving a non-compliant response. I'm not proud of that survival behavior, but if I walked out of every situation where attempts to coerce me into compliance were used, I'd have nothing at this point...it has happened so often.

There's just a  high level of cultural support for dominant and coercive behaviors. Mostly people avoid confrontation so often the bullies win. Very often. It is also true that people who speak out against them are not supported. It scares other people off, seems too passionate and idealistic, and the person speaking out is marginalized. As an old white lady I now get marginalized a lot. It's really easy to say things like "Is she all right? She must be going through something. She is too intense to be rational about this. Maybe she's just paranoid." I hear that even from people who think of themselves as my friends.

Of course a lot of people are feeling not listened to at this point. Anything I say seems suspect under that kind of scrutiny...but people, that is blaming the victim. If I react to bullying tactics by speaking forcefully myself, the proper response ought to be asking questions, if needed, validating that there might be truth in my position, at least listening respectfully. But in my microcosm, I just brought down more control tactics on me. There's a gatekeeping going on to protect the bully, so my influence is set aside as if I were just irrational or too soft. I was told that I "always choose the underdog." 

I do care a lot about justice. I also care that in situations that are difficult, that we keep our minds open to all of the input before making a decision, and we listen to everyone with respect. Keep in mind that if you find someone annoying, that is on you, as you are the person having that reaction. What they are doing or saying annoys you. If you find them difficult in some way, you are the person having the difficulty. Your first reaction should be figuring out ways to increase your knowledge and skills so you can listen to them without having your emotional reactions that lead you to marginalize them.

I'm pretty done trying with quite a few of the people in the power structures that I have to interact within. I'd rather not hold any power if I have to cozy up to people with domination tendencies. I have pulled back and let go and it has been interesting. At first it felt devastating as I realized how few choices I had in the matter. The many ways my work was discarded and destroyed were sad, and happened fast. Things I had tried to keep in place to moderate how people used power were gone, and then even used against me in some sick Darvo ploys. 

My basic feeling is that you can't control other people and you shouldn't be trying to. You can attempt to gain their cooperation, if they are willing, through negotiation and discussion, through group process that is allowed to flow and be faulty until the elegant solutions are found. That is what we used to do. In recent times, control has descended and you can put it in the framework of white supremacy culture if you want...it fits. Even though it doesn't seem to be racial or about the usual categories of disenfranchised, it is still the same tenets. 

Right to comfort, defensiveness, either/or thinking, sense of urgency, quantity over quality, only one right way, power hoarding. There are more. How many of us take a look at the tenets of WSC and look within to see which ones we have internalized? Not enough of us to make a difference, it seems. It's hard to do! We've been internalizing these things our whole lives. 

I never recognized any of these things as a child, with a racist alcoholic father and a coerced mother. We were all afraid of my dad, with good reason. We of course thought things really were our faults. Overcoming these things takes a lifetime, but periodically we get glimmers of insight, and it's our main job to follow through on them and take a deeper look into what is bringing them to light. What just happened? It wasn't random. It's possible it wasn't even about you!

Of course right now the shock and awe is working and we are all cringing from at least some of it. This will not be a good time to make decisions or progress on the more subtle microcosm problems. No one is going to have the energy for it. But I hope, somehow, people in power start to recognize their motives and see who they are not supporting by trying for more control. It's not all about people who are obviously struggling or marginalized. It's about the systems we are using out of habit and "good intentions" to keep this WSC in place. We're so used to it, it feels safe and normal. 

We didn't work hard enough on it so far, despite all the marching and sharing and liking we did on social media. Not enough of us did the inner work. We're in big fucking trouble and nobody is safe until all of us are safe. Listen to the people who have done the work, search them out, read those long essays and think as hard as you can about the darkness we promote because it is what we have learned to do.

I'm getting ready to get off social media, so started a couple of things. I tried to delete some of my photos from FB, but guess what, you can't! Those photos don't belong to you. I went through all of the setting things I could understand and tried to download them, but that didn't work, even when I "got permission" to do so. I can try again. I also started clicking the "x" on every ad in my feed. At first they increased so that every other post in my feed was an ad, increasingly irrelevant. I am trying to stop feeding the algorithm, but I don't have the knowledge to know effective ways. It's going to be all or nothing with FB, so I'll be choosing nothing pretty soon. 

Giving up my power with the two main organizations I'm in has been fascinating. It has opened up a much better way for me to interact, as "just a member" who has to be taken at my word. I now have no say in any of it, and whatever I do say is set aside. Now that I'm not cozied up with my manipulators, I'm not important enough to them to hear much of anything from them, which is a big relief. I don't matter. It might just be my way to survival, and my ticket to deeper work on how to sit next to the other people who don't matter in more effective ways. Because guess what? When you let go of the power, you can see it. People at the top of the hierarchy don't even see the hierarchy. They are busy congratulating themselves on how effective and useful they are.

Maybe take a look at the other side of "useful" and see how you are being used. It's not a pretty sight.