I was wrong on the internet! Oh my.

I was wrong on the internet this week. I don't mind being wrong that much, but the amount of energy expended to correct me was surprising. That affected me. Am I really the sanctimonious asshole they seemed to think I am? Maybe...

When I was on the inside, with all of the information, such as the election results, I didn't know how it felt to not have that access. I have always been trusted in the past, so if I wanted to know something, I could expect an answer, and I also had access to the places to look for it. I'm sure because I knew the election results numbers, it didn't occur to me how it looked hidden to others. We did post them on the HM office wall, and I do believe we shared them widely in the earlier days, but at some point it became the culture to keep them quiet out of deference to those who didn't get many votes. This had something to do with the concept of equal members in its thought, but when I tried to think of any other elections when this is done, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to protect the feelings of people who put themselves up for election.

Just as it doesn't make sense to protect the feelings of people on the internet...or anyway it is not the practice. But I can't stop thinking about the concept of the flying monkeys in the narcissism realm...those people who carry out the wishes of the narcissist with or without their direction, but as a part of their defenses. It seems to me now that every time I speak up I am attacked by the flying monkeys who assume my bad intent whether or not I have any. 

I wasn't questioning the results or the process of the election, although in fact the negative campaigning was extremely questionable and to my mind, highly inappropriate and unethical. The fact that it worked makes it worse I think. The way the election was so strongly broadcast was not the usual practice, but getting more people to vote is not a bad thing in itself. I feel there were hidden motives of control and domination, but calling out hidden motives is the kind of assumption I don't want done to me, so I didn't do that publicly. Except it was assumed I had. So I was attacked for those assumptions, even though to my mind I had made a reasonable statement that I thought the members would appreciate more transparency, not saying "because now the trust relationship is gone."

It is for me, anyway. I'll repeat that this has been devastating to me after 50 years of a very comforting trust relationship. Being on the inside meant I did see some transgressions, and made some myself, but I always felt that good people were doing their best, and we have a majority of good people, who do seem to be doing their best.

But now we also have these attackers, and maybe we always have, but it seems so much more apparent when they are attacking me. I guess being as self-centered as the next person, it took making it personal to really make me see and feel it. I'm all for new experiences but this has not been at all fun. 

Thinking back, I have been attacked, but I was always just able to get past it by knowing those people were damaged and in pain and still, doing their best, even if it felt destructive. I'm just not sure that is really the case now. I was all set to extend compassion to this person but now she said as Secretary I was guilty of apparently many egregious failures, and maybe she knows what they were, as I sure don't. I know I sure was putting in lots of hours for free. I was always so supportive it embarrasses me now. Just thinking that my legacy of giving has been reduced to many egregious failures in one FB post, again, I feel devastated. Will my membership termination follow? For having different opinions? 

I want to rant, but that will likely make me feel worse. I will, however, have to spend the rest of the day reminding myself of all the ways I have not committed egregious failures. I feel stupid that someone that hasn't, to my memory, ever even spoken with me at market, can take me down that low in a few comments. To me, my worst failure has been the overly supportive roles I have played to keep the market alive and well at the expense of my own life. There's that half of my livingroom filled with the archives, too. Fuuuuccckkkk. 

For those of you new to reading this blog, I haven't shared it on Facebook since 2020 when one of my posts got algorithmed and it made me uncomfortable. Context is important with this writing, because it is personal and not really for wide broadcasting. I don't have to be right in here, just honest. I'm not going to allow personal attacks based on what people read in here (if I can even tell that's happening.) I don't really want a lot of discussion about my writing, either. This is a place where I share my thought process, where I reason through things, and it is my right and my process for understanding, so fuck right off if you don't like what you read.

That said, I welcome you as new readers, sent here by a friend sharing it on FB. It's not a huge amount of readers, so I'm not ready to shut things down, but I do feel like you need context to understand where I am in any individual post. So you might want to read back, as these go back a lot of years. Back to when I was in a trust relationship with market, and I was on the inside, as an officer, and I was doing my best like every volunteer is supposed to be doing.

I'm no saint. I make assumptions and am wrong, have strong convictions and hold grudges, which I try to work on over time. I feel like one of the people attacking me this week was someone with whom I actually have a lot in common, and they were just having different memories. Theirs turned out to be true and mine, well, rosy at best and false at worst. As Secretary I always tried to take the high road as hard as I knew how to, and I probably did come off as a sanctimonious asshole at times. I tend to use formal language in articulating things and that comes off cold and distant on the internet...I do remember writing her one letter delegated to me by the Chair, in response to a pressing member issue. Writing letters to mad members never worked out for me, no matter how much compassion I tried to extend. 

Not an excuse. I am a people pleaser (recovering) and I often deferred to others in making group decisions. I like to say I led from the middle. What the members wanted, I tried to do. I didn't want to fight, just tried to accommodate.

Probably some of what is happening with me now is I am trying to learn not to accommodate, and not to defer to bullying. When I turned 75 last month I gave myself the gift of banning bullies from my spheres...I just won't interact with them. It's not easy to do! Boundaries are not my natural inclination. I more naturally drop my defenses and try to remain vulnerable and with accessible emotions. That, of course, rarely works on the internet.

Anyway, be advised that I am speaking for myself now, not echoing any company line or part of any particular group or movement in microcosmic or macrocosmic politics. I'm trying to think for myself and do what I feel is the most ethical thing for me, as I have to live with my actions. So you may not like them. Feel free not to read this.

Rainy Saturday on the way! They are predicting as much as half an inch. I'm kind of looking forward to it, strangely. I like feeling strong. Yesterday I printed over 300 prints, fiddly thin bandanas and way too many of them. It hurt several body parts and for the first time in ages I took some ibuprofen. I need to do that more often I guess. Suffering doesn't help me think rationally.

See you tomorrow...suit up. 

Monday Morning in the Busiest of Seasons

 Waiting for the election results from Saturday, which was such a wild day! Yet another officer of pour Board indulged in negative campaigning, which is still so inappropriate to me. I know people are convinced they are right, but have they forgotten that everyone is generally convinced they are right? I guess it takes some maturity to admit that there might be more to a situation than you are told or perceive. 

In this case she did the ethical thing to recuse herself from her official duties, but they happened to be overseeing the election, so as members we were left without any officer overseeing such an important election. So for us to complain about the negative campaigning, character assassination of a fellow member, or any of the process, where do we go with those complaints?

The ballots said to vote for 6, not up to six, so at least one person was told they could submit a second ballot with a note on the envelope to throw out the first one. Not covered in the policy, sadly, and maybe no damage is done if the procedure is followed to the letter, with all memberships verified before the envelopes are opened and set aside. Because if they are already opened, there will be no way to find the person's first ballot, resulting in an illegal vote.

And, the GM was again going around collecting ballots from members, which is just not an okay practice. I saw this at the last election as well. That practice gives her the opportunity to destroy certain ballots she doesn't want counted. Not saying she would resort to that, but the appearance of impropriety amounts to impropriety when it comes to electing your own bosses. Staff is supposed to have no part in the elections but putting together the ballots, and providing the ballot box on Saturday. 

There have been improper election procedures ever since this GM was hired. Staff has gone ahead and set the dates, made and provided the ballots, and has never consulted beforehand with the Head Teller or Secretary, when I was in that position. One time they decided that the election would be held on two Saturdays instead of one. I had to dial them back several times in the beginning and even tell them the Secretary was in charge, which is clear in the policy and even in the bylaws. It shocked me every time that it was all taken so causally and this one is the worst yet.

I trust the Head Teller and the vote counters, and certainly hope they don't need an officer in the room to handle the count, but what if they do? Will the GM make those decisions for them about what ballots are valid and what ones aren't? Just because we have a good policy and procedure it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It's just another example of how important it is to back up our trust with impeccable procedures and responsible Board members and officers. 

I decided awhile ago to not be anxious about all that is happening, just to witness it and speak up about what I see, but we are a long way from a functional organization and it isn't the fault of members who ask hard questions. Trying to find a scapegoat in the membership is sad. 

We have a GM who is causing drama, dividing the membership, and forcing the board members to accommodate to her fears, lies and false narratives. Way too many people are buying into these false narratives. Ask any longterm member and you will find out we don't fight with each other normally. We all share the same goals, and we respect each other. To be such a divided membership we have had to be operated on by someone who has the goal of dividing us. She's not only doing it herself with targeted harassment, but using her other staff to harass and silence members who speak up in ways she feels the need to control.

I hope people wake up to this. We have to get out from under this management failure. The rammed-through fee increase will not address the practices of overspending and overstaffing us. Our staff is using what is supposed to be time for their operational duties to spend hours scolding members, drawing them into drama, and attempting to silence or discipline them. They are not supporting members, quite the opposite. One member at a time, people are figuring this out. 

More people need to figure this out. Ask some simple questions. Why are we fighting? Why are we allowing negative campaigning? Where is the competence and leadership we are paying for? Where is the drama really coming from?

Are we going to wait until we are really broke? Spending savings on the database and losing money on operations that should be profitable are scary. 

And by the way, it is another myth that Board service should only take a couple of hours a month. I spent such an embarrassing amount of time volunteering to cover tasks that were supposed to be done by staff that I wouldn't document it. I could go back in my journals, but it was probably forty to a hundred hours a month from mid-2021 to when I resigned in August 2024. Staff support was not only not there, but I had to prop them up. I was asked to "protect" the GM, a bizarre request. She is extremely good at getting other people to do her job. No wonder no one wants to volunteer for anything. Having ten people running for the Board and over a hundred people attending a Board meeting is not a sign of health. It's a crisis. 

I'm not expecting any quick changes either. I'm just trying to protect myself so that giving my life to the organization will not also mean letting it kill me. 

I have a lot of work to do! Saturday was extra exhausting with the constant wind, but I loved the protest crowds and all of the other groups, track people, graduation people, Father's Day people. Still, for some members, sales were not great. Big events sometimes translate to people not wanting to carry things or prioritizing their spending for food. The farmers weren't doing that well either. I had a normal day, but part of my success was the new bandanas. I took a whole extra grid to display them but it was too heavy and I need a better solution. I guess I will thin down my stock a little. Students will soon be gone anyway and I generally see a slump in sales until tourism picks up to bring new crowds, but of course we are not sure we will see as much tourism as usual. 

Okay, need to get out into the shop. Work hard, everyone! 

 

Elections and No Kings

 I'm enjoying making the protest bandanas. I don't really care if they sell to the protestors, but it's past time for me to make political items, as people have been asking me for them.

I got out screens from the Bush/Cheney era, when I did a ton of things, many in small editions that only a few people got, mostly as gifts. Selling political things is always hard, as you become a target for everyone's need for reassurance and talking about everything. It tends to dominate the day, so I have mostly not had a lot of them for the last while.

But action is needed right now so I am trying to convince myself to also bring my Jell-O piece tomorrow, maybe even wear it with the long tie, and put a sign on my back, maybe Impeach Me. Don't think it will enhance sales, but it would be fun, except for all the attention.

 I find so often now that people view me as someone irrational and dangerous, so I know gossip is being told about me that isn't true. That isn't at all who I am. I was told I was the most privileged person at market, as well, which doesn't even make sense to me. I think it's possible that people are viewing the point system as something that creates privilege in the longterm members, with the membership points. Of course that is a distorted view of both they system and privilege, as we all just still earn one point per day, and 1/5th of a point per year, and we earned them by coming every day. Me, a member for 50 years, has put in hundreds of selling days. I don't see how it adds up to privilege, but there are a lot of false narratives being put out there for people who want to believe them. 

This election  bothers me a lot, and I'll be glad when it is over. The amount of desperate politicking is drama from the top, with the narcissist and her enablers trying to make sure their power plays have results for their longevity in power. They will likely succeed, as I heard there are people going around recommending slates of candidates to people who are unsure of whom to believe. There's coded talk, too, and direct attacks as I wrote about last post. It shows weakness and fear.

I do have faith in our members to cut through the gaslighting and feel what feels right, but the false narrative that mean members hate staff and that kind of thing is harsh. People have legitimate issues with staff performance, training, competence, spending, and communication. Members are allowed to disagree with how things are being done. Attempts to squash disagreement just ring so hollow in the greater political atmosphere we are in.

Unfortunately, as we saw at OCF, power politics can be effective when people trust the people recommending a slate or what constitutes a party line, as we saw the M.A.G.I.C. group succeed in entrenching themselves and making a solid block with the ensuing effects of taking away people's idealism, enthusiasm and belief that they were a part of a cohesive membership. It divided the members and drove a lot of good people away from volunteering or participating, and continues to do so. 

It's happening now at our market, and it looks like it may have similar effects. I want to trust the members to recognize the tactics, but that's unlikely in the case of a lot of new members. Maybe some will catch on to things like the current situation of 5-hour Board meetings, emergency fee increases to cover overspending that has not been corrected, and ethically murky behaviors. Probably most of them are busy and not paying close attention to the internal workings...and it is not that easy to keep up.

I was accustomed to knowing about policy changes and getting paper and digital copies of them and am now realizing how hard it is to get those on the regular without being on the inside. I still get the Board packets, but the format is one that does not allow me to copy anything out, or use the link to the Policy and Procedures document, so I was not even aware there was an updated Elections policy document. I feel kind of stupid about that, but when I did try to get a copy, I had to ask for it. The P&P is not easily available, which also makes other things harder to access. I don't get the secrecy, although it goes along with the current trend for ultra-control and lack of communication that is comprehensive and freely given. I really feel uncomfortable with the gatekeeping that you have to know someone or go through the power structure to get information. Maybe with the new website we will get more? 

I sure hope so. I noticed that there are only a couple of years of minutes now as well as newsletters...I hope more archival info will be added back in when there is a more robust platform for it. Guess we'll find out. I suppose I could advocate for it, but the chilling reception I get when I speak up for anything has been really difficult to take. 

I've never experienced the membership being this divided into factions with so many people being in the out-crowd. Maybe this has been the case before but I was in the in-crowd. I hope it isn't the case, as I have always thought of our membership as being pretty united in our positive regard for our equal members. I do think the drama and division is coming from the top, so there is only one solution for that.

I'm sure that is why so much is riding on this election. Even if a lot of new people are elected, I don't see things changing quickly for the members. Guess we'll see. I have always been an optimist, so I will probably continue with that if I can. People are generally smarter than we think, certainly visible in the macrocosm. Tomorrow will be exciting I think, with all of the signs and passionate dissent. I hope it comes to the market. I had a hard week and want to have a fun day downtown. 

Ethics?

 I don't have time for a long post, but I want to remark on the Candidate Statement of the Board Chair, where he calls out, by name, one of the other candidates and blames her for some chaos that ensued this winter when Market was caught in some fairly serious policy and operations errors. The Board was embarrassed that they weren't prepared to handle them and didn't have a grasp of our bylaws, nonprofit law, or even our actual status as a mutual benefit corporation. They decided to blame the messenger.

When I was Secretary for fifteen years until last August, I made sure that every 6 months when new Board members were seated, that they got a rundown on the basics they would need to know in an orientation. It looked like this in outline form:

 I thought it was in use during the two or three orientations given by the previous Board Chair in my absence. She took over one when I was ill, instead of postponing a meeting of the whole Board when the Secretary could not attend, which is a bylaws violation, but it was overlooked as so many errors have been.

Without some ethical people in the power structure, members can never be sure if the law is being followed, or our internal policies and rules, or even the most basic ethical standards.

The previous Board chair did other actions that were not ethical, for which I have proof in writing, but which I am reluctant to make public (you can ask me for them.) I hate trashing volunteers, who rarely mean to do unethical things but may feel pushed to do them when the atmosphere becomes doing whatever means justify the desired ends.

The goal of terminating members has caused several cases of improper procedure, extreme distress for the members, and targeted, specific uses of unethical practices to make sure the goal of termination was met. Fortunately in both cases the terminations were not completed, as the Board reversed the decisions, but the chaos stated in the Chair's statement was about fighting the terminations' lack of proper process, lawful actions, and lack of Board support by the GM.

She doesn't even know what our status is, or is actively trying to change it. Trust for this power structure is gone, and we now see that the Board Chair is unethical, the previous Board Chair was unethical, and guess who was the Board Chair before that? Our current GM.

I won't even get into my list of strange things that have happened since we lost our GM in mid-2021. Yes, there has been some chaos, going back to then. Part of my role as an officer was to contain that, and I tried, at the expense of my personal life. I resigned last August as the only way I felt I could protect my own ethical standards and not be responsible for illegal or improper acts.

So they happened without me, but they still happened. I didn't want to blow things up as I had no solutions or the energy to implement them. I know what needs to be done. We need honest, ethical people in our power structure. We need to allow the strongly committed members of our organization to right this ship using the truth, actual study of our bylaws and job descriptions, and the acceptance of responsibility and service on the part of volunteers and paid staff.

Quite a few people are trying. When you use your vote, find out first who is working for truth and justice, and who has specific warped goals in mind. Stop the changes that keep happening to limit member strength and allow destructive behaviors and drama to dominate our organization.

And don't try to blame the whistleblowers and messengers. This is not about how charming someone can be, as there is a lot more at stake and a lot of false narratives to correct. 

We're in a serious crisis. Sure we had a good April and a good May, but the heat is coming and there will be other challenges. We need professional management and an end to drama.

That's all for now...I have work to do! 

Edit: And now the Vice Chair has also called out the same member in a letter to the Board and everyone who reads the Board Packet. I read over the bylaws and Code of Ethics, and this is a Code of Ethics violation. She wants the Board to make a policy to prohibit this whistleblower from participation. Exclusivity is also a violation of Ethics and the bylaws. This power structure is corrupt. I hope people are paying attention. The ends do not justify the means. 

More on Tactics and Joy

Yesterday I observed another joyful and productive market day, and managed to stay in the joy place the whole day, and stop myself from dwelling on things that were not in that realm. It was great but I did stumble into a few of the current minefields of drama.

The triangulating gets more evident as I look into it and I can see that it has been happening for a really long time...the past few years anyway. Stories are told, drama is created, people are hurt and offended and in some cases driven away. All of it benefits the narcissists and mean people and creates loss as an end product. 

Studying the narcissism is fascinating and important, to get why the market is being divided up, distracted from our pressing issues like overspending and overstaffing, and why older and wiser members are being sidelined and manipulated. Newer members are easier to attract to the in-crowd, pleased to be noticed and supported. Problematic people are portrayed as being leaders of factions, such as "So-and-so and her minions" which I heard yesterday. Minions means fighting and conflict is distracting. 

When you agree or disagree with someone, you don't necessarily join their faction. All of our members are really independent thinkers with their own experiences and perspectives, and dividing us up does not benefit us or the organization, it only benefits the power structure. It erodes the viability of the organization. A good management would never promote division, it would strive for unity and find ways to build community. Sadly the way we are currently being led is to unify against our common enemy, the X-tians who disrupted our May 17th market, while our true problems are coming from within.

Turns out they came because of a regional conference of that type of extremists and we have no reason to believe they will come more frequently (only twice in 2024) and they aren't targeting only us. So the current effort to amass resources we don't have, including paid staff time and the energy of volunteers, to fight them, is a distraction. We have bigger issues right now, like financial accountability, the distress of members being targeted, and the psychological issues that are destroying our community through the drama and lies being created.

The attempt to make everyone adhere to a company line is something I have to explore in my own past as well as what is happening now and recently. That old Duty of Loyalty asks the Board and Officers to support whatever the org has decided, so when a person disagrees with that decision, it does ask you to set aside that disagreement. But it does not go so far as to control and manage what is said and done by everyone in the org. Many of us noticed we did not have an avenue to disagree with things, not only Board decisions but other issues and concerns. We found we suffered retaliation or targeted discipline if we had a different opinion. A lot of people walked away over that. I even know of some less-than-ethical actions designed to keep the company line dominant over dissent. Way less than ethical. 

And this encouragement to make our concerns about the proselytizing public is causing misinformation. One letter to the Weekly said the disturbance was happening every week, when it has happened once in two months. Another letter was the kind of righteous defense of the market I remember having written in the past, a kind of "I know it all" response to difficulty that doesn't sound balanced for the whole community, but kind of a Market First proclamation that sounds entitled and arrogant. And it wasn't even truthful for all of us, as my sales did not stop, and I am guessing many members in other parts of the market also continued to sell well. I think that was because we insisted in not giving in to the bullying, but remained in our businesslike, focused customer service mode and were still friendly and calm. We didn't engage with the bullies.

And that is the thing I keep telling myself over and over. You can't engage with bullies and narcissists with the hope of defeating them, as it just makes their motivation to dominate you stronger. As I have said before, I am just not going to allow bullies into my sphere. They can do all of their triangulating, ruin my reputation, misunderstand me, and all that they do, but I will have my joy, peace, and make the end of my productive years work for me. You can work against them, but you don't do it by feeding into their narratives and allowing them to always set the stage to drama.

I will somehow continue the service and responsibility for the organization that has been my duty of loyalty all 50 of these years. Loyalty is not to the people in power, it is to the values and the vision that got us here and sustains us. I was told that I enjoy more privilege than anyone at the market, which stunned me as an example of how I am being misinterpreted. I have worked hard for all of these years to make sure I did not have privilege, that I always gave more than I received, that I always held the highest ethics and sense of responsibility that I was capable of, and promoted member equity. I know that was widely respected and treasured by a lot of members, although it may be destroyed now. I did not do it perfectly. I had to learn how, and of course I did make mistakes. I promoted that company line and wrote those impassioned defenses and sometimes I suppose my trust was misplaced and my statements were untrue, or at minimum, dismissive of other people's experiences. I'm still learning.

So in a way, I am enjoying this new period of observation from the outside and seeing if I can understand what is really going on, the patterns, the intentions, and the preventable mistakes. There is no shortage of things to reflect upon. Yesterday included some very authentic conversations with my neighbors and customers, and I learned a lot. Being in Raven's old space has a spiritual value that I may not have recognized fully. A visitor told me how Raven would dispel negative energy by transforming it, quietly and powerfully with his shakers and his intentions. I am sure he had to do that with me sometimes even! I remember how it felt to talk about my dilemmas with him. He always could point out the ways for me to move the emotions to more positive ones, and he did it without judgement, half the time without me even noticing. I really miss Raven in Raven's corner. I'm thrilled to be holding that physical space, but going forward I will try harder to hold that spiritual and emotional space. Maybe I need a shaker.

Caring about the Kareng Fund.

 Last week at market we had a great morning, just full of joy. There were many people from the Big 10 track meet, all new to market and fun to interact with. We also had a lot of people who were just being themselves, their sometimes weird and unconventional selves. Happy to be in a safe place where they could express whatever they wanted to express, they were also delighted with us, happy to be in a safe place expressing ourselves with our art.

 It was blissful. The predicted rain was just a few drops, hardly noticeable. Sales were great. Then the group of people I call the X-tians showed up with their horrible signs and loud proselytizing and started calling us all sinners who needed their version of fascist purity and moral rules that were what they would insist on imposing on us whether we gave our consent or not.

I'm just far enough away I can mostly ignore it, but it brought a nasty chaos that was more widespread. No one felt very safe. We all felt stressed. It didn't ruin my day, but it contributed to a lot of distress I had already been feeling after finding out some things I hadn't known were also being imposed on me, and others. Bullying from our own management on our members has been escalating. A lot of members are still not aware of it, but many of us have been targets.

Why on earth the management would want to battle with the members is the overlying question. It seems to be a huge difference in values and vision for the organization layered into a very poor skill set at the top. We just don't have professional and skilled management right now.

It adds stress to my Friday night and Saturday morning, but I was very successful this week at setting it aside and continuing to have the market life and experience I have always had and still insist on having. I have noticed an extreme division in the membership though. Some of us are no longer friends, and we no longer support each other. It's feeling tragic to me. We can't even manage to just work alongside each other, without nasty tactics by the people I call the mean girls, and a shit ton of avoidance.

I don't know where that will end. Damage is being done that will last. My post on the Kareng Fund on the members' page is being noticeably shunned...so people won't support the Kareng Fund? Can that be true? I'm shocked. How can that be happening? That is so much bigger than me, or any one of us. We have given over $120,000 in grants to artisans in crisis. What's not to support? And who is leading that effort to disenfranchise us? 

I sincerely hope that tomorrow I will find out that this is not at all true. I have been avoiding that members' page, since it blew up in the coup and I felt trashed, but the KF has nothing to do with that. I'm sorry I posted, and extra sorry I went back and looked at it. I hate Facebook for breaking into the peace I found this week.

I'm going to work on convincing myself all is well and try to recreate last week's joyful morning tomorrow. It used to be like that for me every week. I feel like I have lost so much in just the last two years, after a lifetime of giving, a lifetime of holding things together as unselfishly as I could. 

I didn't actually lose it. It was destroyed. I hope I can let this go. It's heartbreaking. 

I had fun today making these really pretty tote bags. I made too many, as it was going well and I was enjoying printing for a change. 

Edit: there seemed to be plenty of support for the KF today. Lots of people gave items for prizes and we generated some promotion for the Bingo event. A million thanks to Alex for giving up his day to setting up a collection station and giving out bags to the members for their donations. I also seem to still have plenty of friends. Grateful for that.

 

 

Triangulating

 I'm sure people are getting tired of my focus on narcissists but when you are being bullied and targeted, it takes a lot of your time and emotional energy, so it keeps coming up. One thing I discovered recently was that I was being used by the narcissists to bully someone else.

Triangulating is when the bullying is done indirectly, through a third person. What's happening for me, is someone is paying close attention to things I say, changing them to be disparaging, and making sure they are passed on to another vulnerable person. This is probably happening in more than one way. The only way you find out about these things is when the victims get together and air the issues that have been manufactured to be between them.

This used to happen in my family in a fairly benign way...siblings would go to Mom with their complaints and she would obligingly try to fix them for us. We were just trying to be safe with each other and didn't realize we were doing it, but my brother called it out and once we saw it we tried to stop. It took awhile, as it is easier when you are challenged about confronting personal issues like so many of us are. If you don't feel safe, it seems easier to be indirect and this allows things to build up until the misconceptions can really damage the relationships. But my brother works hard at clean communication and he helped us figure it out and stop using Mom. I, for one, was grateful. We don't get born knowing these kinds of things...it takes work, patience, and self-awareness.

I'm a lot better in writing than I am in speaking in person, and most people aren't, so things often go quite far without being addressed in my life. When a mean person inserts themself to misrepresent things, it gets built up to be relationship destroying. Mom was pretty innocent and nice, and our issues were just little sibling insecurities mostly, but the issues don't have to be big and important for people to feel hurt and treated badly. The bully likes it when it hurts, so they have no problem using actual words you said to hurt someone you had no intention of hurting. They just leave out the parts where you said things that were reasonable or forgiving and understanding.

One of the issues recently was that I found it not ideal to be referred to as an elder, with the associated idea that elders might not be around long, so you ought to appreciate them while they are here. Not intended to be insulting, but to people my age, death is a very different reality, along with the end of our productive years, our health complications, and the many things that make us retire or suffer crises we are not in control of. So in my work life, especially when OCF elders are actually retired people, which I most definitely am not, I would like a better term for me. I posted on FB about it and a lot of people agreed with me. It isn't a compliment but younger people think they are honoring us...not their fault. So I did complain, but also spent a lot of time trying to think of better terms so I could suggest them to the person who had said the thing. I didn't come up with much...it's so common to use elder, and meant to honor, so what works better? I kind of settled on asking to be focused on for my work, not my age. But I never went to the person who had said it to suggest the correction, because time had passed, it wasn't that important, and again, it's common. It was actually a refreshing change for the older ones among us to even be noticed, with all the usual emphasis in our culture on the new and young.

But they heard through the triangulation that I had been offended (actually I was amused, and not offended) and had held it against them as a criticism, which I really had not. It was said, I mentioned it briefly, but it didn't seem like something worth taking any further. And they were hurt. We may have cleared it up when she told me I should always bring criticism to her directly, and I said that I would have, if it had been important enough to me and I had a constructive suggestion. 

It wasn't a big deal but it revealed a pattern, that other things I had said were transmitted in that same way, so things added up for her. She then had an issue with me that was in the way of our working together, and thankfully she did bring that up when I didn't express any of my issues when we had a meeting where I could have. I rarely do bring up issues like that, particularly when it is connected with someone's job, so I didn't even have any to discuss. I assume that everyone is doing their job as well as they can, and I cut people a lot of slack and let them do it. I'll work around them if I need to, or avoid them if I have to. But I am generally not out to change people or their behavior, as I do not want people trying to do that to me. But she did have issues with me, so we emailed about them, and each got to give our perspective, which worked for me and I hope did for her. I tried to make my apologies not have those added clauses of excuses and reversals that apologies so often include.

Anyway, that was not the biggest issue of my week but I thought I would try to remember the triangulating tactic so I could watch more closely for it. Apparently I am not as safe to use my free speech as I would like to be. When there are mean people around, it is important to be careful, so the hurt doesn't spread as far as it wants to.

 In other news, I went to the lane County History Museum and connected with the Curator of Collections in a fun way. They had a little collection of early Market history which I loved to see, though it was mostly not new info for me, and I also viewed a great scrapbook by Donna Fogelstrom on the beginnings of 5th St Public Market, which I had never researched and it had a lot I didn't know. We talked a little about my other historical passions and I will have to go back soon as they have a great reading room now where the gift shop was, with a lot of things I want to look in. I so love research. I think I missed my calling and should have been an academic. I guess being a writer is close. It would have been a loss for the world if I hadn't made all those t-shirts too, I suppose. But I might have to do a post about what I learned there...right after I do that wrap-up of the Jell-O Art Show that is so overdue.

Rainy market tomorrow, first one of the season! Could be pretty wet. I got out the weight bags and booth sides and the whole deal and am planning to rough it, because it is usually kind of fun and people still buy hats. Plus, it's my job and I like to do it. Even though my week was a bit less than productive, I still have the most important day of it, so I'm ready. Let it rain!

Bad bones in a Good Bag

 The title is something that came in a conversation at Market yesterday. A customer came in carrying two very large jawbones in a paper bag and bought one of my nicest bags to carry them in. He was just a delightful person and when we came up with that phrase collaboratively he said welcome to his world, that it would make a good band name. It is of course poetry, with the kind of deep multi-level meaning that I love and crave, and really made my day. Our conversation was too brief, but the phrase will live on. Not really going to work for a hat, but kind of describes my present condition, as I am turning 75 tomorrow.

My bones are actually only Bad in the good sense, as I am strong and only falling apart in a not too noticeable way, rather well-preserved for the present. I even feel happy most of the time, if I get enough time in the garden or reading and am not consumed by work and worry. Ending my volunteer positions with both OCF and Saturday Market has been instrumental in reducing my stress and it is still being revealed to me how internally devastating it has been to end my reliable and extremely giving support to especially the Saturday Market. Devastating to my idealism and what I thought I had founded my life upon, but rewarding in taking back my time and allowing me to focus it on my own life, which needs work that only I can do.

I forwarded my job description and thoughts to the person who recently took on the officer position of Secretary and was immediately struck by just how much oversight I had taken on of the organization, and how many gaps it left when I pulled out my support. Most of what I was doing will not be picked up by other volunteers, to the detriment of the what should still be a nonprofit. There was a recent discussion of whether or not we were really a mutual benefit corporation as we have been registering for as many years back as we have existed, I believe. It would be a good research project for someone to look back in the archives and figure out when things changed and how, but as it represents many hours of volunteering for me, I have not embraced it quite yet. Apparently lawyers will be consulted and paid for what I would have gladly done as a volunteer in the past.

Probably it has to be this way now, that volunteers no longer dedicate their lives to building organizations and shepherding them along for decades. People get paid very large amounts of wages to do the work and they should be doing it, as it is critical to the life of the org and the mutual benefit no longer materializes for volunteers. If the staff doesn't do it, it probably won't get done, which gives enormous power to corrupt staff and for which we will suffer the loss of so much.

Now that I am a member of the out-group for criticizing the unprofessional and destructive management we are paying for, my whole daily life at market has changed radically. The in-group people do not speak to me or even greet me, not that I want their attention. They look like a cult from the outside and I suppose I did too when I was an officer only a half year ago. Even though I have been a member for 50 years, my birthday was not listed in the newsletter (I didn't want to see it there anyway, but really, and Teresa's wasn't either.) I don't expect to have a part in Founders Day later this month which I used to pretty much orchestrate myself by hauling archival materials down and spending the day talking about the history. I was featured in last year's zine without my permission or chance to approve the materials, so I hope that isn't repeated. There were other people working for Market at the time I started in 1976, and they can be featured, though most of them are also in the out-group now.

Being erased, even with my own cooperation, is harsh and I have struggled with it. If my only value was all the free and low-cost services I gave, better that I be erased. If my regard was dependent on my unquestioning support of questionable and corrupt management attitudes and procedures, that ship sailed. It used to be regarded as helpful and part of the process when people raised objections so that things could be worked on more to address the reasons, but that is also no longer possible. Anyone who criticizes is soon put into the nasty complainer category and dismissed or punished. Sycophants only with this regime. 

Meanwhile we will continue funding bad management as they spend our savings to cover their lack of skills and misuse of resources, and have little to no say about it. A few people are working hard to hold people accountable but everything is done with the manipulative positive spin that never includes any of the finer points that make these problems so knotty. Things are just left out of the minutes. The four-hour meeting minutes said nothing about what happened in those hours. Stripped out. You had to be there. 

And very few people are in the actual rooms where the dysfunction would be revealed. As with OCF, the diligent volunteers have largely left in disgust leaving the cult members in charge, an erosion which will just continue. There will always be a few warriors but we have never had to deal with a real narcissist before and they have tactics that are just impossible to defeat in normal process. It might take a crisis of magnitude, which of course I do not wish upon us, but is always a possibility. 

We had a good April and the drying of the climate works for us until it won't. When we get high heat or smoke intrusions or other weather catastrophes, we will see how many members are dedicated. When it gets hard, people get selfish. When fees are raised to cover what is needed, it won't be staff who will suffer the deprivation. Not that I want people to suffer...I just want staff to have realistic and solid financial accountability when spending the members' money.

If we are no longer a mutual benefit membership organization, we may suffer a profound change that will destroy what we have built. If we are just stakeholders or shareholders of a corporation, the power of the management is complete. The bylaws will need a rewrite. The culture will be a different culture. This may have already happened. Maybe that is why I had to be pushed out...I was carrying the standard of our member culture that was so precious and important to us. This may be more that just a tax identification issue. I'm trying hard to hold my broken heart pieces together as I figure out how to let go of what I thought my life was founded on and dedicated to. 

But it's my birthday and that is all about me, so I will eat all the treats I bought myself and play outside today and tomorrow and try to inhabit my life with joy, which it contains a lot of when I stop and notice how I feel in my core. I am proud of all I have done in this life, and I'm not finished. There is still refinement to do and maintenance to keep up with and I think I can do this aging process with some amount of grace. We'll see I suppose. Eliminating the bullies and manipulators from my spheres can only help me reach my goals. 

And the sun is out. One Calla Lily has managed to bloom along with tons of other flowers so I can pick my usual kitchen full of beauty and maybe I will open the sparkling wine. Maybe I won't. It's all up to me. You don't need to call me on my day of solitude. I know you love me. Why wouldn't you? I am a delightful bag of wrinkled skin and my bones only hurt in a few places. I'm still solid.

The bag he bought was black with juicy, handpainted peaches on it. So much metaphor for one Saturday.

Maintaining Equilibrium

 Just maintaining, like so many people are, while chaos still rages on the world scale and we seem to be trying to just keep doing what we normally do. I made it to market both weeks now with little distress. Physically I was fine, since I remembered to fill my bike and trailer tires and didn't overdo by taking too many things. I hung the bandanas out front where I used to put the SM merch and they sold okay this week. I still haven't decided what to do with the old merch.

I enjoy giving it away...there are always a few people completely struggling with trying to carry their many purchases, bur for some reason unwilling to buy a bag for them. I'm sure one big reason is that they have bags at home, or in their cars, or in some cases are from places where they don't have bans on single-use plastic bags. Anyway, when I give them a bag they are enormously grateful. So I could easily just keep giving them away. 

Nobody ever said much about my logo design, but it hasn't been supported widely by market people and I feel like the time has passed to promote it. I'm still mad about lots of aspects of market politics and what has happened, but for the sake of ongoing relationships and just making a living, I'm setting aside as much as possible of it on Saturdays. I'm definitely avoiding certain people who have exposed their willingness to bully other people and it's not hard to avoid people on Saturdays. It doesn't feel good, but eventually the past fades and we just do the day. But I am still not happily promoting the market. It can do fine without my personal promotions...there are plenty of people still acting as if nothing is wrong. The sun was out both weeks so we had lots of visitors, though selling well was not universal. Traffic patterns have changed with map changes and those seem set now. They leave a few people invisible as always. It's really hard when that's the only change you can pinpoint for your own changed sales rates...some is no doubt a lot of other factors like changing art styles and different customers, but my customers seem much the same as always. 

I joked a bit about the tariffs as my hats are made in China, although I am betting the company I buy them from will find a workaround and manufacture them somewhere else. I stocked up with a lot more than I will need in the short term, just to be covered in case there are shortages. I really need to keep making as much money as I can as I can see that my time is shorter every day.

I'm printing my big order and it's going well, but I am targeting 200 shirts at a time instead of the 300 I used to aim for. I don't want to overwork the parts of my body that complain. Just maintaining and managing is my strategy for this period of time when nothing is going badly wrong, just a few things are indicating that action will soon be needed.

My vacuum seems broken and I have put off getting a new one. I hardly have any carpet to justify it, and may just bring in the shop vac for a quick solution to put purchase off longer. My car has issues with door seals and now a lock, but I got a cover for rain that works. I'm trying to grow more food as prices have gotten so high. So far things are fine that way. So far things are mostly fine all around.

I feel lucky about that. I don't miss going to meetings and I don't miss the custom printing that I used to do. I enjoy the lower stress and larger ability to manage my time. I'm still adjusting to letting go of my leadership roles, which has been hard, but is getting easier. I haven't gone to any Board meetings for either organization in months and I will continue drawing those boundaries. Other people can learn how to do it and what's important. At some point I hope to get back to the archives project, maybe in the fall. I still have work to do for the season, including some new hat designs I didn't get to this winter.

It's good to have less drama affecting me. It's important. It's a change I needed to make, though I didn't anticipate it happening the way it did. 

The house next door is pending, I heard to a mother/son combination which might be better than renters. We'll see I guess. I hope they don't have too many yappy dogs or bird-murdering cats. One of the main problems I had with the previous neighbors, besides their animals, was that their clothes-dryer was almost always spewing out fragrances into my gardens, as the vent is on the side of the house. Maybe it will get moved now, or maybe I can speak to them about it. I never thought the old neighbors would want to give up their dryer sheets as they seemed really conventional that way. Maybe I'll get some more sympathetic neighbors this time. There's also all that English Ivy in the front yard that maybe I can ask them to take out...but that seems minor. I've been so diligent about weeding in my yard that I don't have much of it left. Also hardly any Bishop's Weed (after working on it for 30 years) and not as much of the Wood Hyacinths which I have also been digging out. I'm really on top of the sweet peas this year...I let them grow last summer not knowing what a giant meaty taproot they have. They're very hard to get rid of. I'll be working on them for awhile. And soon, will have to go out to the Fair Site and check on my Shiny Geranium crop. That will take a couple more years I expect.

Sun's out all week, so I'm happy. Planning to do a lot of production and laundry. Better get started.

Crisis managed, for better or for worse

 Waiting for my delivery, trying not to be completely overwhelmed with grief and worry. It's not easy, even with all my blooming fruit trees and the mostly on sun. Got to do laundry. Can't go anywhere as if I do, the delivery will arrive. Guess I could keep busy.

Need to check my tires, filled them all up yesterday but this would be the day to see if they are leaking or flat. Don't need any surprises on Saturday morning.

I'm not going to Board meetings but I guess they rallied and will work together to repair what can be repaired. Just heard rumors and read all the gushing posts from people whose faith and love was restored. Not that easy for me. I've been trying to figure out why I am so despondent, outside of the obvious reasons. It has always meant a lot to me to be one of the people who cared for Market and kept it going, so I guess I lost my sense of belonging. I don't think I am upset because I am not in control of any of it, I mean, I could probably step in if I wanted to. The new Secretary wanted to meet with me. I won't have time for that, so sent her a few documents and a long email which she said she would read next week. Dismissed and boundaried again. She may not have intended that, not knowing how many times it has happened lately, enough to be a pattern, but whatever the reason, it triggers the pattern for me and pushes me lower.

They reinstated the GM, of course, which initially shocked me but it makes sense I suppose. Why fight the members? I have never been about standing in their way. If a consensus is reached, you kind of have to go with that, even when you disagree. I've stood on the opposite side quite a few times in the last few years, so I should be more used to it. There's probably some areas in there about control and maybe even power, that I could explore. 

My Secretary job description was fascinating to revisit. I think I wrote it in 2018 or 2019 when things were going really well. I was covering so much territory with my oversight and caring, keeping us legal and functional and maintaining the governance. We slipped a long way from that, some while I was there, and a lot more while I was gone, so just a half year. Makes me feel good that I made such an important contribution, but really sad that it has not only been erased, but no one has picked up much of it. It just isn't important now, or maybe it's assumed that the staff is doing it, or responsible for it, but I will stand by the position that it was best done by members, for members. 

Membership orgs like ours are probably too archaic to live now. They erode piece by piece, with little notice, when you get authoritarian-leaning people in power. It's not exactly like the macrocosm, not even close, but things will happen...we have to make a lot of money somehow, and it might involve odd ideas like getting rid of the honor system, instituting fines, or changing the standards somehow. Standards has actually been going in the other direction, to be more strict, so that might be an interesting area to watch. We're going to lose members as costs increase, and sales tank, which I beleive they will. 

It's likely that a lot of our tourism will evaporate, as people are afraid to travel, and spending for everyone is going to be curtailed as we all lose our savings. I'm not counting on high sales. We generally have had a lot of local support, which might continue, and of course people will still want to move here so we may still get plenty of domestic tourism. Sometimes in the past it has taken economic conditions awhile to get to us, and of course every day is a different raft of shit right now, economically. 

Now that the crisis at Market is "handled" for a minute, people are turning back to arguing about other things...some want to be political this week, some don't. I've been debating taking my golden wig, on a platter or to wear, but it doesn't seem that funny. I don't have space for the platter unless I bring something to put it on. I feel like I am not going to be allowed to use the space where I put my bike and trailer, and if I can't, it has to go in my booth, as I can't risk it getting stolen. It's hard to know if rules will tighten up or loosen, but I'm in line for retaliation now and can't help but expect some. There's not much that can be taken away, and now at least my neighbor isn't mad at me, but other people are. Bullies and people with the power to hurt me. I don't really expect it to be that fun.

However, the Slug Queens will be visiting, and they mostly still love me, so I could wear the wig for them. I could put it away if it seems to be hurting sales. Guess I'll put off deciding. It doesn't weigh much, and it isn't a sign, so if people get told to not be political for the sake of everyone who might disagree, it is just Jell-O, which isn't political. And it would come with laughs, which we all do need. We need a lot of them.

So very tempted to go skating tonight. I really can't risk the physical issues though, and chance missing the market. So I won't. But I want to. My delivery might not be here by 4:30, either, which is when I would leave the house. They said before 7. I hope it is well before. I need something to go right. 

 

When Things Look Terrible, the Sun Still Comes Out Eventually

Yes, I waded back into the Members site as I decided I couldn't let someone bullying me take my voice. Since I have been constantly bullied for at least ten years I don't know why I still expect to not have it directed at me. It's a trauma thing...I keep thinking the trauma is in the past and connected with only a few individuals, but in reality I think it is a fact of life that people will bully me.

I was once told by someone trying to be kind, in his way, that I "wore humiliation." It was shocking but I've grown to accept that I am easy to humiliate, very trusting, and always expect positive experiences. So, not very realistic. I prefer to retain that trust and naivete, but it leaves me vulnerable. I don't really want to harden myself at this point in my life, but the world is just so harsh right now. I find myself feeling that I will die in a prison and all hope is lost...this is just a high degree of empathy for the people in El Salvador whose crime was having tattoos or not-white enough skin, and I am safe from that here in my kitchen, but I still feel that death sentence. I'm wondering how people without my privilege handle it without just actually dying. I feel like my heart would just stop if that happened to me.

That's a pretty extreme degree of fear, so I guess the news is working on me. I've chosen to sell on Saturday instead of rallying, despite the fact that it probably won't be a good sales day. I haven't really had any income since December (except my SS, and I'm afraid to look and see if I'm still getting it, and Jell-O shirts, which were break-even.) But I have money...I'm afraid I won't continue to have it, but I'm not broke. I'll still be triggered all day I expect, and glared at by people who don't like me, but I have been unpopular at Market before and it usually wears off over the season.

I do still have that deep loyalty to Market, despite hating everything that has transpired in the last year or two, and most of the people making those things happen. It's not particularly rational, just feelings. That's one reason I've tried to stay out of it, as I can't add anything helpful, it seems. I tried being a moderating influence but got roundly trashed for that, so I won't do that again. I know some people appreciated it, but that didn't really matter, the bullies still won. Most of the little progress made in the last few months will likely be unraveled at the Board meeting and possibly a bigger mess created. I don't know why anyone would want to volunteer if they got a clear view of all of the nuanced campaigns that are being waged in this power struggle. Anyone just trying to be helpful or maintain justice will be swept away in the deluge of false narratives and high emotions, or at least that is my prediction.

It's possible some justice will prevail, and I know a few people will fight for that, but it's gone off into the deep end and probably will flounder around for more months. I'm not planning to engage with any of it. I have a big order of shirts coming in Thursday and will just see if I can physically handle that and selling every Saturday, and whatever I can do to assist in the political world situation, which is far more threatening than the messy problems of Market. 

I'm going to turn 75 in the midst of everything, and I doubt I will want to celebrate. Maybe I'll sit on the deck in the sun if I can. For some reason of his own my son is not communicating, and I miss him, but that is up to him and whatever he needs. I don't feel close to anyone right now, which is okay, but when people talk about community and how important it will be, I get anxious. I don't trust anyone to care about me...this is the effect of bullying old people. They descend into isolation and start believing they are worthless and in the way.

I know on some level I am fighting that...I shared a Jell-O Art post today and I still have to write that glowing post about the other artists and the gallery show itself, which I do hope to do. I still have this place to write what I want and it doesn't really matter if no one reads it, I feel better when I write. I know I have a couple of readers who do love me, and that warms me up, so I can keep trying to articulate things and sort through my perspectives to make things make sense.

I'm sure it's true that action is healing so I'll so what I can. I plan to make a sign for Saturday if I can think of something that won't be added to the list of why other market members hate me, and I will probably give away or sell cheaply some bandanas and hats for people walking through before or after the rally. I wanted to make something political but I can't feel inspired with all the dysfunction pressing on me. Words seem weak. I'm guessing I will feel better after Market, though, once I prove to myself that I can do it and people want me there. Even when I feel bad I know that is still true.

Guessing I am not the only depressed person today. I suppose I would want to encourage them, so i should encourage myself. I'll get out in the shop. Having a full inventory always makes me feel satisfied. My wrist seems fine, or anyway my hands are not any more stiff than they were before I broke it. The sun coming out in a couple of days will help, and it won't rain on Saturday, so I don't have to agonize about that. As Vi would say, All will be well. I'm sure she still says that now and again.

 

It doesn't matter if you like her, it matters how well she can do the job

Had a great day yesterday, enjoying my last free Saturday for the next 9 months. I printed some bandanas, mixed inks for my upcoming big printing job, and wandered around my yard weeding and picking up sticks from all that windy weather. I stayed offline and let go of the distaste for being bullied that always threatens to overwhelm me, and prevented that from happening this time.

There's a groundswell of support for the "beloved" GM like what happened last time. I tried to moderate this emotional approach to what was a practical solution but apparently not a lot of people know the reality I experienced...at least those people are not emoting on Facey, so it seems unbalanced. I mean, I was gaslighted, manipulated, dismissed, and disregarded in various ways as an officer and longstanding, well-respected volunteer by this GM. I was volunteer of the year in 2023! All forgotten now.

I got shuffled into the delusional and pushy "elders" category, and my resentment of that doesn't matter. One of the former Board members made two or three personal, bullying comments and went off on me on her post, insisting that I didn't know anything and should not be trying to moderate. And you know what? No one asked me to do it, and with that kind of treatment, she turns out to be right...I can silence myself and did. I deleted my posts and almost all of my comments and removed my presence from the discussion. No one seems to have been willing to defend me or have noticed that I pulled away. Maybe they think someone else did it. 

It allowed me to take my life back and stop trying to give to an organization that clearly no longer values my contributions. It makes me sad, but is no longer as devastating as it was when the GM set it in motion for me. Her disregard, keeping me from doing my responsible duties as an officer, left me out of crucial decisions and prevented my input to the point where I was not valued by the majority, or even the Board itself. This disregard of the older members to favor the younger is not really the way of the world, but it became the way of the market under the Mean Girls and their accomplices.

I remember when I first started realizing how manipulative she is, way back at the beginning. As Board Chair at the time, she did nothing to prevent the terrible hire of an obviously incompetent man over a competent woman, which they were pushed to do for the wrong reasons by the head of the hiring committee. She heard all of my reasoning of what a disaster was about to happen and if I hadn't intervened right away to document what he was doing and not doing in order to get him out fast, that would not have happened. I was not loved for that, but I was right. Then I was working almost fulltime to help get the office back together, I was making Board packets, pulling policies out of the archives to replace the computer that failed, and in general propping things up with a mighty effort with a lot of other volunteers during a busy time when I had to neglect my own business to do that. And the narrative was spun that she saved us single-handedly and my contributions were erased. But I don't care to promote myself so I just allowed that to happen.

Then there was the question of whether or not to close on the second week of November, the week before Holiday Market started. It had never been a big moneymaker for the market, though it was a giant day for me and others of us who sold. I would sell a thousand dollars worth to people who loved he outdoor market and would miss it. I paid a percentage on that, of course, so it benefitted market in a way it wouldn't when I made the sales at HM (if I did.) Anyway, she decided to do a survey but the paper she distributed was framed overwhelmingly that if you didn't vote to close, clearly you didn't support or even care for staff. As a person who has always cared for staff, actively, I was really offended by that framing. Of course the vote passed to eliminate a selling day, without regard for the public, who had no say, and the many people who did benefit from us being open. And I think, now that it is an established practice (it was promised to be for one year only...) it has impacted October negatively as people shifted their weeks off to do HM prep from November into October. Whatever. The point is, that it was shocking that we would be manipulated like that by a GM.

I wrote a complaint and spoke with her about it. She didn't even see what she had done as manipulation. Other experiences like that she bragged about, her skills as "massaging" and "bringing people along" as she called her coercive, bullying tactics that she uses to get her way. We saw quite a lot of that at HM this year, but if you don't experience it yourself, apparently you don't believe it is happening, even though I am not the only person who has raised the alarm. So one of the reasons that she was fired is that instead of the negotiating skills we need to make arrangements with people like the farmers, the fire marshal, the fairgrounds, and the city, we have had someone who has been "massaging" them, which has included flirting, stonewalling, using them as an excuse to cover her getting her own agenda arranged, and terminating members who don't work well with her or resent being manipulated. Many of them are no longer with the market. 

I also used to represent the members and support the staff by being a partner in dealing with city issues, particularly through my Downtown Development Task Force, which evolved to be an email list with weekly updates to inform members what was happening and what to expect on a Saturday. She stopped including me in meetings with the city or construction people, stopped sending me their details, took me out of the loops so that when I did email the members, it was incomplete or inaccurate and became impossible. I realized my integrity and usefulness to the membership was not going to be protected if I continued trying to work with her on that, and I stopped. A lot of members depended on me to keep them informed in an honest way but when I saw how she treated the city managers I was unable to be honest with the members. Nobody really remembers that service I performed for about a decade until she derailed it. 

Despite having several years now to learn how to manage expenditures and income, she has not mastered financial management or reporting. She leaned so heavily on a former assistant manager and two Treasurers, to cover her inability to be a responsible financial manager, that they all quit and we are now quite a lot in the red and have to figure out how to make up that loss and prevent more of it. It was overstaffing, but no one was laid off, there was no effort to fix it while she was the GM. It was her job to do it. The current budget submitted for approval was erroneous and inadequate and sent back to the Budget Committee, who are volunteers, to try again. 

She has spent so much of her time coercing and attempting to "bring along" members who, in her reality, need "consequences" for their behaviors, that she doesn't get all of her work done. She makes procedure, and sometimes policy changes without communicating them to anyone, outside of the committees she manipulates to create what reality she wants. She gives them limited information and they do not reach out to the membership, so things are changed that potentially have debilitating effects on members. The Standards guideline change that you can have your membership terminated on the basis of four anonymous complaints is one. There are no details about the complaints, whether they can be all from one member, from staff, for one problem or many, just a clear ability of the committee or staff to terminate the membership. Those who have been victims of this new policy, which went by the Board with little discussion, are either gone or intimidated into silence for fear of getting that fourth complaint. She's not beloved to those people. 

And of course there was the nepotism of hiring her daughter and assisting her to be a fulltime employee, which was just questionable, and the false narratives that are now being pitched as real. All staff have been affected by the messiness of having personal family relationships in the workplace, and they have little opportunity to express that. I asked the Personnel Committee to try to meet with them so they'd have an opportunity to give some safe input, but I don't know if that happened. I know in the evaluation process she got some really negative evals, but I don't know if that was part of the Board's decision, or glossed over as the mean members.

One false narrative is that the Board and members don't care about the staff...just false. Another is that mean members have driven away all the employees and Board who have moved on, also not true. We have a lot of strong members who don't have good negotiating skills also, some bullies, and it has been hard to address, but when it comes from the top executive, it becomes the current reality. Now we seem to have a convoluted mess with bullies all around trying to get their demands met instead of working together to solve problems like discouraged and disempowered volunteers and our financial crisis, which no one is talking about on the Facey except one person who is being ignored. It doesn't help that she is one of the bullies and "elders" who are being sidelined by the other bullies. I have never found myself in the same category as she is and we've never agreed on anything in my memory, so it feels pretty ironic that we're kind of on the same side. She doesn't share my inability to deal with bullying though, so I hope she will be able to use those "skills" in the upcoming battle.

Because it looks like another battle is inevitable and will likely become public as the members go rogue and do what they think is best. I hope the press has the wisdom to stay out of it. Some people think it should be public...but that will be a horrifying embarrassment if the Board has to reveal all of the reasons they needed to mover her out of the position. She was never, and is not now, the professional manager we need and deserve. She created this mess with her lack of ability to support the Board, her asking them to manage things she was incapable of mangling, and her terrible way of prioritizing drama over the work in her job description. I am going to do myself a favor and stay all the way out of the meeting and whatever punishing the members think they should give to their elected Board. I kind of do want to point out to them that under the protocol she established, none of them would be able to present anything unless they submitted it in writing last Wednesday.

No one wants to hear about how these things happened before, even the recent battle that happened in 2021 when we had to let other terrible managers go. The mob attacked the Board, two of which were brand new members at their first meeting, and the mob was wrong, and the Board was right. Even some of the people who were in on it then have not seen how this is the same thing. Those managers were also well-liked, but that is just beside the point. We're a business. You either can have someone who is liked or have someone who is really going to do a good job, and sometimes they can also be liked...but one thing is more important than the other.

I only get a small number of readers now and I won't make the mistake of sharing this with any members this time. It is obvious that it no longer matters what I think, despite my long experience, my knowledge of how good managers do the job (I mean, I filled out evals for over 15 years, every year,) and all of the background issues that are not being addressed. Why do the members feel in the dark? Management failed to communicate. So many ways they could have been brought in to help with the financial situation before it became dire...selling more often, donating, fundraising. So many volunteers could have been more effective with real support from management instead of attempts to limit their participation, power, and contributions to solutions. There was so much missing from this manager. I hope people will speak up who experienced this, and know that we deserved better than someone who could charm a lot of people into supporting her and not holding her to a higher standard.

It's messy as can be now. Lots of people are chiming in to trash the working volunteers. I don't know how they think more volunteers will come forward in that atmosphere. I certainly won't. 

Communication with our membership is so important we are seeing how this is playing out right now. A few loud voices are steering a recall campaign against a new Board member who brought forward these reasons why we are being mismanaged, and her supporters are feeling silenced or not inclined to face the mob which will be out in force at the Board meeting. So many people are fighting for her that the Board may be forced to either break confidentiality to give detailed reasons, which will unnecessarily embarrass everyone concerned, or they will stick to their confidentiality and other people will yell at each other for awhile. Nobody will say that community building was one thing she also failed to do. We are as split up as can be, and everyone thinks that firing her was the worst thing that ever happened to the market. No one wants to hear how far from the truth that is. Not from me, anyway. But of course me removing myself makes them more sure they are right. Hard times.

 

Managing Distress

Doing Facebook calming duty is burning me right out. I am inclined to go back to not volunteering, so I can work, and feel peace. I don't know why people can't manage their emotions. I mean, I do know. It takes a lot of learning, as my generation wasn't taught as many skills as kids are mostly taught now. And they are scared. There's a lot of fear right now. Maybe I lost some credibility when I put on that golden wig last weekend. (that's a joke...)

Emotional damage persists and most of us tend to spread it without reflecting on reasons we might not want to escalate things, especially when we are angry. It's hard for me still to feel my stomach clenching up and my hands beginning to tremble. I mostly have learned not to immediately type something on social media, but my first reaction is to write things down, which I do here if I think they might be useful, or just in my journal if they are less organized and need more sorting out.

What I am trying to do on the Facey is try to point out some ways to move forward. A lot of people are hearing part of the story or only hearing it from people who are also mad, and in a community like ours you always  know someone who is hurting from what has happened. You generally gravitate toward the ones you care about the most, without necessarily knowing how things might actually be different from what you believe. I know I am only seeing part of the picture myself, so I'm trying to be careful.

One thing we are not addressing, and won't, is the underlying emotional landscape filled with people who are or were being misled, whether that is intentional or innocent. There are false narratives. I just pointed one out, after someone declared that the Board doesn't care about the staff and the staff knows it. That is called the member/staff divide and it does not exist. All of our members care deeply about our staff, and depend on them for all of the ways we work together to generate the income we all use to live on. Not all of our members know many of the staff, as our interactions don't always get personal. There is likely some reluctance to engage on both sides, for all kinds of reasons, but we gladly earn the money to pay them, we like to pay them well, and we are grateful to them for all that they do. 

Another of the false narratives is that there is some bad person out to ruin what we have built together. That is simply not possible. We never have a situation where everyone agrees, and we have plenty of stubborn people who insist on thinking for themselves, and will stand up for justice and truth. We actually react quite uniformly to manipulation and deceit, and sometimes that is one of the things simmering under the surface that is driving what is more diplomatically phrased. Most of us can recognize power trips and gaslighting and excuses and while we might not seem to react, we check that box in our minds and take future action carefully. We have people among us who use bullying tactics. We all need to learn more about how to identify and counter them.

And we tend to see everything down on the Park Blocks and in the LEC. We might not talk about it or let on, but we are observant. We spend all day looking closely at our customers and other members so we can refine our own actions to make ourselves more successful. When someone is doing well, we see if there is something they are doing that we can try. When they aren't, we usually have an opinion about why. And we talk to each other. We all have our networks.

So there is the public version, which is what I am trying to preserve on the Facey, and there are the many private versions, which we share in our networks. We all know things that we can't really say out loud without causing a fight. 

We're actually arguing about bullying now...it's centered on one of the Board members, mostly, who is assertive and has made a big impact by calling out some of the loose and unfortunate things that we were doing on the Board level and in general, but in my case, and others, we were bullied by the GM and some of the people aligned with her. They would deny it is bullying...this is known as DARVO, which is deny and reverse victim and offender. People like me who have trauma in our backgrounds have a broader identification of bullying than others. For me the gaslighting and manipulation with charm kinds of things are more triggering...I'm easy to manipulate so it happens rather often. Coercion, slipping things by me, setting me up...I identify these as bullying tactics while other people just use them as a way to get their needs met. For me, the toxicity was coming from the top.

The way the Committees were being used to exclude and terminate members, and keep them from actually doing things as members, was offensive. I saw more than one person be pushed out for the comfort of the people I started calling the Mean Girls. I saw a lot of control tactics being used, a lot of dismissiveness, and heard a lot of discriminatory language and just mean comments coming from a few people. I felt dismissed and disregarded rather frequently, or just bypassed and prevented from making the contributions I had formerly been welcomed to make. I'm sure this would be denied so it isn't useful to fight about it at this point. I just don't want to see a controlling, manipulative person in power again. 

We'll see how that goes. Interpretation of bullying is very personal and confusing to most people. Generally correcting a bully requires some type of assertion that also looks and feels like bullying. It's a real skill set to draw boundaries in a calm and nonviolent way, particularly with people who see calm as passive and angry as positive. For that reason I am unlikely to attend the Board meeting. 

I had to call it out, actually, the last time we had a staff transition that was unpopular. One of the people we fired/let resign manipulated a bunch of people to come and fight the Board to save his job...they were gaslit to misinterpret the Board's actions, and then he broke confidentiality to accuse the Board of things to which they could not respond without breaking confidentiality themselves. Some did. it was super difficult to calm down the crowd and convince them we would be okay, and I finally just called it bullying and inappropriate in the board room and the managers stalked out and proceeded to do some really shady actions, that we didn't find out until later. We naively extended them some kindnesses while they were essentially sabotaging our office, as we found out the next day, but it was all set aside so we could get up and running for the market in two days. We couldn't get into our database due to those actions, so we had to wing it for two weeks, but we did it, and put things back together, and righted our ship. It took a lot of volunteers and some really long hours.

So far, this is nothing like how bad that was. This is relatively orderly and I don't think there is any sabotage, hopefully, except for a nasty FB post to break the confidentiality and get the members all upset. It prevented the Board from framing things in a positive and legally responsible manner, which is still brewing on the site, so this is day two of me trying to spin things to let's fix it mode, which is getting a little more complicated. There are definitely a couple of people whom I will be trying to avoid in the future. 

But also, the good people are coming out and offering to help and I think things are going to survive the turmoil. I think it had to happen, judging by the number of members in my network who are relieved and ready for this change. As I recall it took a season or so for the atmosphere to settle the last time...the crimes were not addressed, the people involved went on to get their second chances, and only a few of us were forever changed. This could settle down faster once people are reassured that it is okay and once we get the manager we imagine. Let's hope we get that person. The uglier it gets, the less likely it will be that someone will want to step into it, so there's that concern. I wish I knew how to make that point to the people who are angry. They're angry at me now, for trying. 

Oh well. Comes with the territory. The people in my network get me. That's enough for now. 

Later: Actually after reading some hateful and humiliating comments directed to me I deleted my posts and comments. I'm back to not volunteering. They can figure it out for themselves. I'll provide archives when asked but that is it.  

Now this is the next day and I feel like I made the right decision. It's like I was never there. People call for calm are trashed, and there's a recall petition and a hope that the GM will be reinstated. A much bigger mess than expected...but for my self preservation I will have to stay out of it. I'm beyond hoping or trying to make it be the market I have given my life to support. It's not my market, and a lifetime of giving does not guarantee a thing, not even gratitude. Lesson learned. 

Don't Make it Drama

 I reviewed the Market's draft budget last night though I didn't feel ready to go to Board meetings again yet. I found it confusing and inadequate. I know the Budget Committee members know how to put one together so I am making the assumption that they are no longer doing the GM's job but letting her make the effort she has been supposed to have been making for the last two-plus years. She has not learned enough, for whatever reasons, to keep us financially solvent. Apparently we are about $40,000 in the red, though that is not an official figure. No one has actually made any official statements from the Board yet.

However, someone broke the confidentiality of the Executive Session that was held after the meeting, to announce on Facebook (on the semi-private Members page) that the GM was fired. They did not share the reasons, but in an anonymous post they scapegoated one of the diligent Board members who has been making an effort to hold leaders to account. In case you forgot, I resigned from leadership last August, although just giving up the Secretary position did not make me not a leader.

I took myself off as Admin of the FB group last December, which left four staff as admins, and at some point the new Secretary was made an admin, but she took it upon herself, after resigning her position last night, to break confidentiality too in what seemed to be an official post, except that it was not neutral, as an admin post should be. Despite my vow to stay out of volunteering, I went in to moderate, see if I could dampen the drama and quiet some fears, and have now been monitoring it for let's see, 3 hours last night and 6 so far today. I had work to do but I am not doing it. I am volunteering for the market, again. 

That comes with lots of dismissal and a bit of bullying, and a bit of praise here and there, and has been somewhat effective, but at my personal cost. I did not sleep much last night. I'm fighting anxiety and the only saving grace is that I was not in the board room trying to help make the very hard decisions that had to be made. The breaking of confidentiality and the resignations to support friendships were not professional responses to the situation and now people are dividing off and imagining that it would be possible to invite the GM back. I'm embarrassed for my organization. 

It seems we've been badly managed for so long that people don't remember what good management looks like. Some of us do. It looks like a job description (which can be found in the Policies document, I believe) which is filled by a person who can handle all of the tasks in the time frame available. Who can prioritize the things that keep the organization solidly on track. Financial accountability is right up at the top of the priorities. It's the members' money...we make it with our work while we make our livings. We pay the fees, which have to be fair and sustainable. We want the budget to be followed. If there is a shortage, we want that to be identified and rectified before it gets too big to fix. The budget shortfall should not be surprising. The fact that it is due to overstaffing should have been addressed by fewer staff. It's not that difficult for someone who is a professional manager. You do what has to be done, and you do it professionally, without drama, without pain if you can. You use your skills.

It's not a personal situation, it's a business situation. Making it all about loving someone or even liking them is a messy, inappropriate use of emotions in what has to be a practical set of solutions. The missing skills have had to be filled in by volunteers, other hired people, or left unaddressed. Member complaints have been high. Members have life situations, business concerns, and all types of complex needs, but they can't dominate the job and they have to be handled well. We are independent business owners. Some of us are very experienced and skilled. It is not required that we like the manager, just that we have confidence that they can do the job, are doing the job, and are working to make the organization thrive. 

That just wasn't happening, and there were a host of member problems that were created and not managed well, in my direct observation. I'm not going to list any...they are now in the past, and hopefully solutions have been or will be found. We have to move forward and do better. 

Some leaders have stepped aside, and others will step in. Also, doesn't have to be dramatic. You do your part if you have the energy needed, and you do your best. You work with whomever else is in the room, no matter what you think about them, their style, their skills, or whatever you think. You work together for the common good. You set aside your less productive emotions and do the work. You can have boundaries, you can enter and exit at will...you are a volunteer. 

There is a world of difference between you and someone making twice as much as you have probably ever made, in  the amount of duties, the amount of stress, the number of skills needed. It is just not comparable. We need a professional manager to run our complex, deeply cultural and extremely important organization. That is really all that is happening right now. We will find a manager more suited to our current needs. 

No drama. No intrigue. No need to air every grievance or go back over every mistake or perceived error. You won't know all of what happened. You don't actually need to know. You want to know, sure. Drama is very attractive and even addictive to some people. But personnel issues are confidential. That protects your employees, keeps them safe so they can move on, and it protects your leaders and volunteers so they can continue to work for your common good.

It just isn't that complicated. Try not to make it worse than it needs to be.