Knowledge is needed

I'm just going to post my letter to the Board since it wasn't put into the Board packet as I requested. 

 8-13-25

Dear Board of Directors,

I am writing to request that access to the digital Board Packet materials be returned to me for archiving purposes. The importance of a digital archive in this time period does not need to be explained. As paper archives become less complete, I have been carefully saving member email notifications and all documents shared digitally to paper, at my own expense, but to not be able to save and make available digital files takes away a great amount of usefulness from any archive.

For those who do not know me personally, I have been a trusted, solid volunteer for nearly all of my fifty years of membership. From serving in many roles, including as Secretary and Board Chair beginning in the early 1980’s, I have been involved with and contributed greatly to most of the organizational efforts to date. I’ve supported every administration, including this one, with my skills. I’ve often been the person to explain concepts such as confidentiality, most of the parliamentary procedures and structures we use, and most importantly I’ve been able to find and share historical information that has been vital in decision-making. I am committed to the archives and would like to continue to be.

However, I am not asking strictly for myself. As a mutual benefit organization or even as a hybrid c-corp and not-for-profit, our members are shareholders and must be active participants in the decisions made with their assets and in their interests. They keep informed by reading the minutes of the Board and Committees, the newsletters, discussions on social media, and by networking with their fellow members. Many more people stay informed than can be served by the newsletters alone, which are curated by staff with selected details in limited space. It isn’t possible for all of us to attend meetings, even with zoom, which provides only partial understanding due to the technical difficulties. It’s imperfect to just listen to neighbors during the busy day at the Park Blocks. Members need all the available sources of information, sometimes repeatedly, and in context, to perform our own Duty of Care. Gatekeeping and controlling the primary sources of information keeps people in the dark and does not encourage participation.

We are experiencing a drop in volunteer energy and part of the reason is the lack of trust and open communication from the power structure to the members. Not being able to see financial reports, discussions of vital changes in policy and operations, and complete reports of actions erodes interest and trust and creates dissension. Board minutes have always been comprehensive to include discussion points so interested members can know if their particular concerns were part of the decisions made. Communications with the members have traditionally been more inclusive of detail than those of other types of businesses. It’s a tremendous waste of staff time to have to explain things repeatedly one-on-one when our newsletters and board packets can convey information to many members at once.

The analogy I found most useful in group decision-making was that there is an elegant solution in the middle of the table, which can only be revealed by the careful crafting of individual members contributing without reservations to the whole. Members have to feel safe, welcomed, and important to the group process. An atmosphere of trust has always been operating in our organization, which sometimes does require courage but is always worth working on.

Restricting the Board Packet and free access to the business of the organization is shutting down the possibility of the elegant solutions we need. We can’t stay current, we can’t be helpful, and we can’t participate when we can’t freely access the details and have the opportunity to make informed feedback before decisions are made. Please restore transparency and trust to our organizational operations. We would not have survived this long without this vital aspect of our culture.

Sincerely,

Diane McWhorter

The reply (not from the Board itself...):  

Hi Diane,

I am sending you the digital copy of the Board packet from the August meeting. I understand as the archivist, it can be frustrating as this new Board settles in and finds their footing. The information was not being withheld from you, the Board just needed to figure out the direction in which they wanted to distribute the information electronically. I was always planning on getting the documents to you after a decision had been made by the Board.

I am sure you remember a time when if you wanted to see the P&L or the Policies and Procedures Document you had to come into the office to view it. It was not distributed and copied like it has been. I still aim for transparency but also must temper that with the organization’s safety in mind. I apologize if this caused any inconvenience to you.

The packet was sent a month later, so it was withheld. I do not know if it was restored to anyone else. As far as I know, the issue was not discussed although the minutes might show some discussion...I'll have to wait for the minutes like everyone else. For the record, there was never a time when the intent was not to share the P&P document with the members...there was just no staff expertise on google documents for a couple of years. An editable version was shared and of course that had to be restricted...anyone could change anything in there. When we didn't have a GM it was not widely available to anyone, because of that edit aspect. It took a long, long time after Kirsten left to keep our policies and procedures safe. There was a link in every agenda for members to go and look at it, going back to when it was created, but of course you had to see the agenda to find it. Now the digital versions are in a format that isn't copyable and the link doesn't work. You have to ask for it. Gatekeeping.

The willingness to share financial documents changed with GMs, according to their feelings of trust and the surety of accuracy. There were times when dozens of copies were made so that anyone who wanted one could have one, and when the financial statements were offered monthly in every Board packet. Generally out of respect individual staff salaries were not shared, but the total staff wages and benefits was in there. There are some number of us who do understand how to read and analyze financial statements, and every new Board got a tutorial on how to read them at an open meeting so everyone could learn.

And the whole discussion of what our legal status is was part of every Board Orientation. If people believed me, there would not have had to be months of  confusion and anxiety about it. It's public record. I used this template for a few years to orient the new Board members.

Just go to https://data.oregon.gov/business/Active-Nonprofit-Corporations and search for Saturday Market.

Drama and panic that didn't have to happen. It is so important to keep our experienced members in the organization. 

I did notice that a Board Orientation document was finally created, which I hope is accompanied by some discussions about the things that aren't easily documented but more about experience with Board and group process. I hope that will be one of the tasks of the Governance Committee. Knowledge is power. 

 

A seasonal lull

 This past Saturday was by far the lowest sales of the season for me, one-fourth of my usual level of sales. I spent more at the farmers than I made, and also bought food from our members because we are all in this same boat. The financial crisis got to us right away this time I think, when in the past we have seen a lag in how quickly we were affected. 

It's so expensive to come to a football game now, with the increases in tickets, travel, lodging and food, that football fans who do make it to market before the 12:30 start time generally don't spend much. They don't need produce, they eat the continental breakfasts at their hotels, and they eat some overpriced hot dog at the stadium. We had our regulars, but plenty of people had next to zero sales and the market wasn't full. So we're seemingly on a downward income trend that is much more severe than last year. None of my high sales days have been as high, and my lows are lower. The hopeful news is that last year by the middle of September my sales inched back up as the students returned, but then I had to miss October due to my broken wrist so I don't know what would have happened. A lot depends on the time of the game, and on the schedule I have, none of the upcoming games have a listed time, so I don't have much prediction accuracy. Next week is an away game but it starts at 9:00 am, so that might not affect us much. But the pandemic high sales have fallen off. So I fervently hope the Board does not put another fee increase on us. We're just getting hit from every financial side and we need our market to be on our side and find ways to reduce spending instead.

I guess not having a promotions manager will save some money...I hope that this Board also remembers all the ways we have learned to do promotions that don't cost money. I was talking to one member and we agreed that partnering with other arts organizations is one way to do that. Bring members of the symphony or the ballet down to perform and fundraise. Let groups use our platform for our mutual benefit. Network like crazy to make sure people remember us and don't allow ourselves to become part of the Eugene wallpaper. Of course that will be hard without someone to channel those opportunities with skill and professionalism. Setting up those interviews with members who have interesting things to say, doing the work of going to community groups and meetings to bring Market energy in, all those types of things need skilled professionals with the training to show us in our most authentic, loveable way, and not fall into that old, same tie-dye and macrame market image that some people still hold of us. I hope some people step up.

Raising fees just isn't going to be sustainable as we close out the opportunity for the new, maybe inexperienced members to build their businesses. There isn't an endless supply of crafters out there for us to draw from. If there were, you would see Whiteaker and the farmers bursting at the seams and that is not what we are seeing. 

But the market seems to be continuing in this contraction mode where people are feeling shut out and lied to and dismissed. I wrote to the Board and asked that my letter be in the Board packet, but it wasn't so my message wasn't received. I was on the agenda and because I don't attend Board meetings there was no effort to read the letter, and my issue was only addressed for me, not for everyone as I had requested. Whatever, requests are not demands and they said no with their inaction, and I have again been dismissed. I have learned to expect that. Many of us have. Trends like this have happened before, and they won't last forever, but they are damaging. We've seen it before, when membership declines, people get mad, market becomes less important to the community, and we have a slump. 

When we don't have transparency it is hard to work out what the false narratives are and what is the truth that will be helpful in building community back up. Many of us have our opinions but many others believe the opposite, and we don't move forward. Watching from the sidelines is painful but it would be more painful for me to submit to more manipulation and gaslighting so that's how I'm handling it. There are plenty of people capable of fixing these things and some of them are working on it. Some of them are breaking it into pieces that will never come back together, but that is what happens in group process. It's important to remember that things are not really binaries: right or wrong, me or you, us or them, now or never. It's way more vague and open than that when things are this complex. 

 Friendships seem to be what gets lost, but sometimes only for awhile. The routines and necessities of the selling day seem to level things out to a great degree and the community rolls along. We have seen a few people drop out though, when their situations became cruel and too much to set aside. If you support these victims you get labeled and sidelined like they were. We don't have an atmosphere where disagreement is possible yet. I think it's going to be awhile before we get back to reasonable discussions with openness and heart, but surely there are people who will bring that. I'm trusting in it.

Meanwhile, it rained today and I have a lot to do here at home. My porch and steps need a rebuild, which I am not ready to tackle, and I have to paint the south side and finish the summer pruning. The weeds are healthy and seeding everywhere. I got my bandana display working but now I have to decide now much more to invest in them, or if I should minimize the efforts and concentrate on things that sell better. I don't really need to get ready for HM but that is also on the radar. I'm sad to see summer go, as always. We should have some more of it yet, though. Maye later this week.  

 

Doing our jobs on Labor Day weekend

 This week at market we saw the return of the 1:00 football games, which have not really worked for us, to my mind because people who come to attend the game have to spend SO much on tickets, lodging, and food and travel, that they really can't buy crafts or things that they don't absolutely need. And between the incessant supply of free tote bags being given at farmers via On Point and Kaiser Permanente, and the clear bag policy at the games, tote bag sales have tanked. It's a bit of a dilemma, because of course people need tote bags for shopping at both markets, but several farmers booths sell them (it's allowed) and the free ones are showing up every week now. So sure, people need to carry things, but it's not neighborly to give away free products. I mean, what if I give away produce? That wouldn't last long without some protests from across the street, where few farms are able to sell everything they bring. Growth and success are just as challenging as other factors and farmers have chosen to use corporate sponsors and growth to pay their bills which has pushed many small farms out the door and caused a lot of food waste, which I hope is making its way to hungry people. 

Our management decided that LCFM will do their jobs on the two weeks of November between the last outdoor market and the HM, so we can sell, if we want to do it on the farmers terms. I haven't pinned down all the details, and I'm likely to consider it seriously, but just for hats. I expect there would be a very short set-up time with the 9:00 opening time and sorting out how to get a booth with no Tuesday points, but trying to sell tote bags would probably be useless. Yet I really don't want two weeks off in the buildup to holiday shopping. People who mail hats are a significant part of my sales, and they'll just go online if they can't find me.

I personally had my best day at market in a long time...not sales-wise. It was by far my lowest sales day of the season, and it wasn't because I was slacking on my job. I made a new banner for my bandanas and it slowed my set-up a bit, but people just weren't buying. I know two people who had zero or close to zero sales. I guess there's another early game next week, 12:30 this time, against Oklahoma State. Not sure how many travelers we will get from there. Guess we'll find out. But between the weather and competing events, we're seeing a 5-week drop in sales, which I hope is not true for everyone. 

I had such a good day because my faith in myself and my life with market was restored by a counseling session I had which reset my ability to handle all of the vulnerability and challenge of what has been going on. I felt cleared of oppressive thoughts and the actions of others, and way more able to be open and strong with the many things I juggle. I realized I care too much about too many people and since I can be of little help with most of their concerns and challenges (and it isn't my job to do) I need to let go of that deep love to the point where I allow them to pick up their own strengths and challenges and step up themselves. This was part of stepping back, letting others rise, and it takes time of course. 

It seems to be counter-productive for me to even encourage people to participate because of the many false narratives being spread. I'm not trusted by the new people like I am by people who have watched and heard me working for the common good all these decades. People don't really think there are unselfish givers in the world any more. We've been told everything is a transaction and those who can dominate are more important than those who want to collaborate. Destroying the old hippie history is a goal so those of us who carry it must be pushed out to serve this narrative that new is good and old is tired and over. Those of us who still carry the old values have been silenced but we are still there so it won't succeed entirely. Still, lies and manipulation are powerful.

The false narrative that members hate staff is super powerful and you would think no one would support that story...it is demonstrably false every day. We are a team that needs each other. But staff is defensive and has been told that members are after their jobs and don't value them, so every interaction can easily take a negative turn. One happened at the end of the day this week that was shocking and essentially violent and it is not over and is ugly. The people spreading this narrative need to think again at what they are saying and why. Yes of course not all of us like or support every single staff person or the things they do, but that is not something that can be simplified into a "mean members" narrative. I know all the past staff and the reasons they left, and while there were incidents in every term, there were no clear incidences of mean members making staff quit. There were members doing their duty of care to keep the market alive and get the professional staff we are paying for. 

I did get the digital Board packet access returned to me after writing to the Board. However, I no longer trust that it is the full complement of materials that the archives require. I asked that my letter be included in the packet, but it was not. And I asked for everyone's access to be restored, not just mine. So...  

I was really glad I had the increased capacity this week so I could stop packing up to counsel my fellow member who really couldn't grasp everything that had just happened to him in his interaction with a staff member. What I saw was that with the false beliefs and no support for either party, neither of them had the skills to work through the situation to any healthy outcomes and no one felt it was their job to intervene. I tried to prevent it from getting much bigger, but I could only advise a cool-down period and the ugliness that was revealed is not going to be forgotten by those who witnessed or engaged in it. I don't see it playing out well. It has already become part of the story that won't just go away.

There are so many cracks in the facade that everything is fine that I know people are falling into those cracks. I was able to counteract my own fears and re-engage with people I have unresolved issues with, because we all value that Saturday experience where we sell next to each other as companionable equals, setting aside the issues that have to be sorted through in the long term and just doing our simple jobs of bringing our wares to the center of town and creating a magical space for others to enjoy. 

It's never all about money so when my sales are low I just hope that means other people are having good sales and it's a continuum that extends long past one day. There are always enjoyable encounters that don't result in a sale and I have plenty of those, particularly when I feel safe and open to what comes to my space. I like my banner, which got me to sew something for a change, and it changed how things work in my space, so now I have to rearrange again and get a better balance of display so my more expensive products aren't hidden by my lovely but not as valuable bandanas. I like evolving, especially now when it is tempting to do things the same every week and minimize effort. I am doing the opposite and have to keep leaving earlier every week to make these changes work. I am sure it will settle into something workable.

But this is what is called the shoulder season, past the peak of tourism and summer vacations, into school days but not quite to the return of the student traffic we enjoy. It has generally been our practice to advertise more heavily during that time but we're not seeing that. The advertising budget was cut to accommodate other types of spending and respond to the shocking shortfall of $30,000 last year which was still not fully dealt with as far as I can see. We're still spending more and now will be the months that determine how solvent we can get. There are a lot of factors in play. We only have Saturdays and HM fees to make that money we will need. I'm grateful we have a diligent Budget Committee and I hope that's enough to get us through.

I will work hard to hang onto my increased capacity and reclaim my joy in Saturdays and how full of life they are. Nobody gets to ruin that for me. We've endured a lot as a membership and I will always work for that common good as I have been doing, regardless of people's knowledge of it or appreciation for it. It can't matter what other people think unless it helps fortify what is actually the common good, which of course I am not in charge of and can't fully know. Somehow, I do still have faith in it.  

An Unlikely Type of Perfection

 I'm well aware that people who don't like me read this, and I won't speculate about their motives, but I hope they find it boring. I write this for me, to work out the coherency of my thoughts, articulate my observations, record what I experience. I guess I hope people who love me read it, and I know some of them do, but lately my readership has increased and I think I know why.

It's naive to think I won't be targeted in the punishment era, whether for my politics, what I've earned, what I've been lucky enough to acquire, what I've taken joy from. Punishing kinds of people need their targets, and the more naive the better. I have for a long time cultivated building trust, trying to practice peace, trying to limit fear and enlarge the safety and functionality I will need for these next years as I age faster than I am ready to handle.

Yesterday was one of those unlikely, kind of perfect days I love at the market. It was too hot, so I put up 3 umbrellas for me and my neighbors, and with the help of the fountain breezes, made it pretty tolerable in our sunny location. We get shade around 2:30, but we'd be fried by then if we didn't work on a system. We were bored at times with the low traffic flow, but the morning was packed with the kind of relaxed, meaningful encounters it is always nice to have time to fully enjoy.

A friend with probably terminal cancer came by to humble me with his learned wisdom and left me with intense dreams last night and a deeper understanding of what the hell I am doing on this spot on the planet. I did not recognize him, to my dismay, as he was so changed in appearance. We weren't close friends, just the type of market friends who share a mutual enjoyment of each other and don't need to protect ourselves. One useful thing he told me was the things he learned from 30 years of sobriety are also super helpful in enduring the ravages of the ungraceful ends some of us will experience. His body is suffering but he has that inner glow of certainty that whatever happens, he has the skills and tools to work with it. I felt it a gift that he shared that tool kit with me. 

I tried to keep working and smiling and live up to his expectation that I could also handle what he is going through, and what will happen to man of us, and me in some form or other. I mean, I have health challenges. Like him, I will probably not want to talk about them with everyone. I prefer handling my grief in private, so you might see me limp but you probably won't know why. You might watch me simplify, but you won't know my motives. I might ask for something, but hopefully I won't overshare.

I asked for the Thursday HM load in, not for extra help but just for extra time. I am a person who enjoys doing my own work, and like many artisans, I would not want someone else unloading my stuff, undoing my organization and process, and "helping me." I refused it when I broke my wrist and when I can't do market, I might not say goodbye. It's my 50th year, but I don't want a damn medal. I just want to be able to make my own choices and have my efforts respected. That seems logical to me but we are in the punishment era.

There's a false narrative that change is necessary and the founding generation is holding that back, but speaking for myself, it is not change we want to hold back. We just want to retain the important values we have brought forward, for good reasons. We want to be inclusive, transparent, collaborative, open, affirming, empowering and of course, solvent. We want the market to endure long past our own presence there, to continue to serve the wonderful artisan life we have made possible here in Eugene by our hard work and many years of dedicated service to our collective needs and ambitions. We want younger people to feel welcomed to step up, to keep building, to keep enjoying the deep satisfaction of an art-driven, independent life working with like-minded contemporaries. We appreciate each other.

Many of us are not perfect humans and we have always been happy to work around our flaws or mistakes or trespasses, learn to get past them, which can take years, and keep selling next to each other in grace and abundance. We feel pettiness sometimes, we acknowledge our painful encounters and parts, and we still show up and do our best. It's the deep stuff of life to be in a community that chooses each other in this way that is suffused with humility. I may not agree with you, but I support your right to membership in this precious and amazing organization we are trying to shepherd through the years.

We can see and appreciate authenticity and honesty, goodwill and an open heart. That's what keeps people coming back to see us, to work with us, to be us. We can also see duplicity, manipulation, selfishness and people who try to take advantage of us. We have our subtle ways of dealing with those things, generally quietly. We sometimes put people on hold in a way, while we get over our problems and come around to a compassionate place again. We've kept people in place despite some pretty large mistakes, welcomed them back when they have left in anger or despair, learned to forgive them or just stay out of their way until things are okay or good again. I'm in the process of trying to forgive someone who bullied me for ten years. She keeps asking for forgiveness by acting like it never happened, but my memories are too strong for that, so I'm just trying to stay in the present and give her the chance to be kind, now. 

It's not easy to do this, so we need people with skills in leadership so we don't give in to the easier choices of  complete rejection, banishment, egregious punishments meant to break people. Much of the training we have done to keep people in has been to refer to history to see how we worked things out before, to see what we learned when we made the mistakes of banishment, or pushing people until they break. We've waited for a lot of people to figure it out and find other places they fit better. It's more gentle, and fits better with our status as independent businesses to have that membership in our community be up to the member. When it stops working for you, you can leave. It's not the choice of one member to remove another member. Just not built in to the membership system, on purpose.

Which is part of why the punishment era feels so strange. I noticed some subtle changes in the rules in the HM publications, tighter penalties for whatever infractions or creative solutions people come up with to get their needs met. I've seen an intentional build-up of ways to give people in power more power to just eliminate the "problem people" and when that power is in policy revisions, it is often not noticed until it is used against members. The lists of evidence I have seen have convinced me that even being a pretty strict rule-follower will not protect me when it is my turn to be punished.

It's coming. Taking away my ability to keep the digital archive did not come as a personal communication to me...and my appeals for it to be restored have not been responded to by any person. It was just taken, after 16 years of the investment of my time and efforts, including the vast amounts of time I have spent searching it to answer research questions from many people. You would think that some of those people who got the benefit of my research time would value that enough to communicate with me, but so far, crickets. While it didn't seem aimed at me, it hurt me, and continues to hurt me everytime someone asks me to do research. Yesterday I was blithely asked to document one of our cultural nuances and even write a newsletter article about it. It took me all day to process that and I'm still not sure what to do. Obviously to me no newsletter submissions from me will be welcomed, since my direct requests get no response, and I've been misrepresented and even bullied by people who are in charge of newsletter content. That wouldn't be apparent to everyone who asks for research time. I generally like to be asked, and generally enjoy the process and the results. Obviously I enjoy writing and have written many archival articles about various subjects, and would like to continue to provide that rich cultural and organizational resource.

But when things hurt I tend to want to make it stop. I'd like to not think about it. I don't want to spread my hurt feelings to the people who ask me, who aren't aware it hurts. I do hope that people who are taking the actions of the punishment era will notice the hurt they are creating, and do something about it. Find that compassion. See that bigger picture. Think about those values.

I've stood there for fifty years adding my joy and my spirit to the marketplace, freely sharing it as much as I can. I don't want to understand a power structure that wants to destroy joy and spirit. I don't want to have to endure an era where I have to be watching over my shoulder for something to hurt me, as I have been enduring for the last two years. I'm in this community by choice, and I've more than paid my share of its dues. I'm hanging onto that joy that I was reminded of yesterday in that oppressive heat and chaotic creativity. We're bigger than we can see, more powerful than we can know. Even me.

Cooler days, more silence

What seems to be evident this week is the lost opportunities we are experiencing because of the absence of information and communication between the power structure and the membership. For instance, LCFM is advertising that SM members are co-selling with them at the Night Market this Thursday night. Yet there has been nothing in our newsletters, it's not on the market calendar, and no one has offered the sales opportunity to our membership. Or, possibly, it has been offered to some portion of our membership based on their proximity to the inner circle? I don't know. I expect if I asked staff about it directly I would find out that I could sell there, if there is time to attend a farmers' market orientation. I don't know anything about it personally, and I am not planning on selling there, I just think in a better situation we would have heard about this and all had an equal chance to participate. 

I guess there will be skating inside the pavilion so spaces are no doubt limited, but then announce that, and take the first however many applicants in some type of order, point order or "first come/ first served." Maybe that was done, and I just didn't hear about it. I suppose it could have been in the Admin report that none of us got unless we attended the Board meeting.

There has been no official response to a discussion of adding back in the November 8th Market  so we don't have two weeks off between the PB and HM. I saw a quick ad repeating the November 1st last outdoor market, so I take that as a NO. A good management would recognize the member interest in having a sales day, our only paydays, and find a way to make it happen. Instead we got someone with no authority speaking up to tell us that we as members could organize and fund a plan to make it happen and submit that to management. Which they could just say no to. We as members already are organized and have a plan, which is selling on the Park Blocks every Saturday rain or shine until HM starts. But management decided that we can't have that.

I see from the HM schedule that we got extended loading hours which are of course welcome but will be needed since our entire load-in plan was jettisoned last year and we will get a new, untried plan that sounds really problematic to me. Adding open hours for load-in costs us money, of course, unless they are minimally staffed which I am guessing is not going to be possible with this new load-in plan, which sounds like it will involve a lot of staff control. So we go from doing something ourselves, which we were always fine with and great at accomplishing, to paying staff to control the process, something we did not ask for and do not need. But it's job security for someone.

I got no response so far to my letter to the Board, well, one response thanking me for stating the obvious but none in the mode of solutions. I have patience. I know how reluctant Board members always are in responding to individual concerns, as they can't speak for the group and don't want to give false assurances that solutions will be found. I am aware that a lot of Board members don't know me personally and don't remember that I was Volunteer of the Year for 2023. It was the quietest announcement ever when it was awarded at the tail end of the Annual Meeting that year. There was no photo...I had to ask for one to be taken. No flowers or anything, no celebration of it, but that was okay with me really. I have never volunteered for the recognition. There were never any photos shared of the merch I made and sold and donated to the market with, either. Four years and no promotion. I've now given most of it away. 

Obviously I am not all settled about how to make contributions to the common good at this point. I still enjoy the market day, which is pretty hard to spoil, and which is why we are still apparently thriving on the surface. It didn't really rain, was just kind of showery for the first hour or so, but market wasn't all the way full. Next week is the State Fair and we will lose a few members to that, and to hot weather, but we are still getting a lot of tourists from everywhere. It should be a good fall depending on how the football games are scheduled. And the weather of course. People want to move here. 

The cool weather has been delightful. I'm going to get started on the painting any day now...after I finish up the OCF stuff I am still putting away. I really want to get into the neighborhood research again after seeing inside the next-door walls when she had the siding removed. There were the wide boards just like in my house! They were horizontal on the outside instead of vertical, but there was this cool curved something and lath and plaster and knob-and-tube traces as well as the old fir boards. I think the house might be closer to the age of mine than I thought, so I want to look at the maps again and see what I can find out that I had missed before. Maybe I can research the original owners of it a little more. 

Gotta do something with all these apples first though. So many apples.  

Little Things Mean More Than You Know

 Extra hot today so will be catching up on things like cleaning and food processing. Spent all last week making a new Jell-O crown to wear at the Slug Queen Coronation which came and went with some frustration and I didn't get a single photo from it so far. I'll take some today before I put all the Jell-O away again. I've been practicing not making things about me (kind of a lifetime pursuit of equality) and I didn't call a lot of attention to myself on purpose. I was there to serve the Queens and my huge debt to Kim Still for her own service and I was properly thanked by a number of Queens who noticed. This year was particularly frustrating as we stood around with nothing to do for about an hour as SM people failed to show up to provide the chairs so we could get set up in time. I had to tell numerous people they couldn't sit in the first two rows which weren't even there except for a few privately owned chairs some of the Queens had left. Two of my helper buddies faithfully showed up but we couldn't do our work. I don't know how much SM gets paid or spends on the Coronation but it has now been fully perverted by the passive-aggressive (and even aggressive) need for attention by the SM power people who demand to be a part of it. I put their chairs directly behind mine so I could most effectively not let them spoil my fun. 

I try hard to remember that everyone gets to make their own contributions in life and it is not my right or job to control those, just to make my own choices about how they affect me, but it's harder with some people than others. I have these very tender feelings about things I value, like the relationship I have with the Slug Queens, with former SM friends and with current SM friends and it's so hard to watch them be ruined by selfish and clueless people who don't even see me living my values. Trying to, I should say. But I will still continue trying and attempting to clarify and improve my social presentation and living out my values and managing my expectations about how that actually works in an increasingly hostile and dismaying world that I'm trying to thrive in. Thriving may not be on the table without a lot of selfishness and tough boundary-setting. I suppose thriving is not easy for anyone and we do all need the support of each other, committed to all of us getting what we need. 

I'm quite flummoxed on what to do about the restriction of the Board packet done by the Board Chair  this month. I let the Board know that it effectively ended my 16-year volunteer task of compiling the digital archive for Market, but got no response specifically to that. Ironically in my envelope this week was the volunteer brochure I helped develop, a gut punch first thing in the morning. Yes, I know how to volunteer for Market. I've spent years working on that and doing that. A lifetime in fact. I feel completely blocked from that now.

I haven't changed. I still deeply love what we built as a community and are building every week, and have still been trying to make my contribution by archiving and caretaking the business of the org, but my efforts are being set aside and my history is unknown by the people currently making the decisions. I don't know who to appeal to about it or how to appeal it. I'm in shock and am seeing many people being damaged by this, some damaging others as they thrash through their emotions, and some just disappearing from our community in their pain and dismay. Many of course are completely unaware of those struggling, and it's impossible for me to see a way to introduce them to it. When the Board members don't respond, repeatedly, a person does not know how to keep up the conversation. I don't know why they are so afraid of me, in particular, and all of the concerned members, in general. I suppose it is because they are uncertain of their own actions and values and need guidance. 

My role as guide was an important one that I always tried to hold with humility and grace and repeat that I was not an authority but just trying to bring things forward that I had learned. I suppose some of those things were inconvenient, and it is not a widely shared skill to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and find ways through them to solutions. I don't understand even a little bit how restricting member access to the business of the organization can be viewed as acceptable, even for a day, an hour. I don't know how it could even be considered. 

Except in a world of people who view control and dominance as a desirable condition, with the competition to be on top the highest value. It's the opposite of any way the Market has ever been. It has always been a model of collaboration, equal access, value for everyone's contributions to the whole. I have really not experienced this type of control and exclusion in the community. I fear for our survival as an organization. It hits me hard and I have to back away and not spend every day shaken to my core. 

The external world is hard enough. Market has always been a refuge for us, and many of us still feel that every week in intense gratitude. Most of our members do not want to see anything different and are not seeing what has changed.

But at this point, selling days have been taken from us with nothing in return. Our fees have been raised to cover overspending and irresponsible financial management. And now our ability to know the details of what is being done with our money and our vital resources is taken from us. We can't engage in the business without access to the details. It's the opposite of transparency and since we have always worked with a lot of mutual trust, it's the destruction of our basic operating system. 

Trust is carefully built and easily destroyed. That's why we have always tried hard to maintain a close watch and an open, encouraging way in the workings between members and staff, the public and our internal relationships. Trust has always paid off for us. It just took one person with the willingness to lie and dominate the culture to divide us up and destroy what we carefully tended together. 

One of the things I'm experiencing is grief. This shit is hard to watch. Things are broken.  

Last week was not great

 I'm seriously disturbed about the latest actions by the power structure. It's unclear if the whole Board was involved in this or just the Chair at the direction of the GM (yes, this is backwards regarding who is the Director) but access to the Board packet was revoked except for the agenda and minutes of the last meeting. No Admin report, no Advertising update, no Member Concern letters, no Membership Report, no Committee reports, and no financial documents. I don't know if it was restricted for everyone, or just selected members, although I assume the Board members got the full packet. I'll just mention that this is the end of the digital archive I have been keeping since 2009 of the Board Packets, policy documents, and publications of the Market. I have no Secretary to appeal to in this matter. As digital archives are going to be the future of archiving, this is a loss that can not be estimated. It's tragic. 

The Bylaws state:   Section 9. Secretary: Powers and Duties. The secretary shall attend all meetings of the board of directors and shall keep and distribute or cause to be kept and distributed a true and complete record of the proceedings of those meetings. The Secretary shall give or cause to be given notice of all meetings of the directors and perform whatever additional duties the board of directors and the chairperson may from time to time prescribe.

If I were Secretary I would view this as an ethical breach of my duties and would be forced to resign, but of course I already did that and now there is no Secretary or even a designated acting Secretary. The minutes are stripped of most of the content except for the new addition of  everyone's role (such as Board member:,) and there is no discussion included of any of the issues. This creates an additional class of membership, taking away the equal members status of anyone who wants to speak at the meeting. Identifying the person's role adds (or subtracts) weight to their comments and instead of clarifying the discussion, masks the appearance of a discussion and leads to the assumption that much is being left out and dismissed.

Traditionally our minutes, like those of any membership organization, have been comprehensive and detailed to serve as an information conduit to members who for whatever reason choose not to attend the meetings, so that they can keep up with issues and be assured that points they feel should be included in the discussion are brought up. Without the discussion points, members wonder if their perspective is being considered. For instance, when the fee increase was discussed, I asked a Board member if anyone had mentioned that it was a regressive method of increase, as that is a point I always tried to make when increases were considered. Being assured that it was brought up, I had no need to communicate that perspective in person: my views were being represented. Without those discussion points, members have no idea whether or not they are being represented by those people the membership elected to serve.

Serve is an important operating word: directors and officers are elected to serve the organization and the members. Not to rule. Not to just "support staff" as the election campaign code words indicated. All of us support staff. We make the money to pay them. We carefully consider our impacts on them so that all members can be served. This is why I have never felt that everyone should be calling the office or going in person to ask all of our many questions and to get the information and details we need to feel properly led. We ask our friendly Board member representatives, we read the newsletters, we read the Board packets and we read the policies and documents supplied by the staff so that they can do their operational jobs and not be overwhelmed by having to serve individual member needs and interrupt their work with concerns that the members could satisfy themselves. Somewhere this went out the window. I submit that staff costs could be greatly reduced if members were not continually encouraged to call the office but instead be pointed to the ways they could get the needed information. 

Gatekeeping is the control tactic that withholds access to information and requires permission, insider status, or some kind of loyalty pledge to get what should be commonly shared information to all members. We need to see committee reports to know if we should go to the committee meeting or work through one if its members to share our concerns or ideas. We need the staff reports to know if our staff is doing what we need them to be doing. We absolutely need the financial data to know how healthy our organization is, as it is our money, it determines our present and future livability, and we as members are still as directly responsible for the health and legality of our organization as anyone is. Most of us take this seriously and do our share, many times more than our share. In return we expect information, and more than that, we expect trust.

Gatekeeping the Board packet in a letter just told all members that we are not trusted by the power structure to have access to information about our money, our plans, our operations, or our governance. We are not trusted. Yet we are still asked to trust, but that is just not going to be possible. Trust is continually built through openness and honesty. The letter made the thin argument that it is not required by law to share information with the members. However, we have had a 55-year agreement with our members that all information would be shared (with some small protections for legal and personnel details that should be kept confidential for reasons of respect.) Our members have been trusted for over five decades to have the best interests of Market at heart. With that trust, we are able to extend a trust relationship to our representatives, staff, and each other. That trust is now broken.

From the membership agreement we all signed:  all members have equal access to the
same benefits, rights and services. From the information for new members: Getting Involved with Your Market: Saturday Market is a Member run organization that relies on Member input for guidance and inspiration. The Board of Directors, Standards, Holiday Market, and Sustainability meet monthly, and Food Committees meet as scheduled. Market Members are always welcome to join committees or just sit in to see how the Market works behind the scenes. Committee meetings are listed in each week’s Market newsletter, and on the Market Calendar on our website.

These duties and responsibilities for members can not be done without access to the current information as previously been freely given via the Board packets, minutes, and open discussions.This action to restrict packet access is in direct violation of the principles we have operated by for 55 years.

I have invested my life in this market, with service and responsibility that has operated for the 50 years I have been involved. A list of the accomplishments I have been able to make because of the mutual trust would fill pages. Some significant ones include writing many policies and updates as Secretary, in service to the Board, launching the archives project, securing grant funds to support it, creating promotional materials, merchandise, supplying screenprinting services for many fundraising campaigns, operational needs, and extras we couldn't afford, and bringing forward Lotte's legacy and the early history that our founders recorded for us. I helped as a member of the 3-person team who negotiated with the city and architects regarding the redesign project, and took on the additional role of emailing members weekly about details they needed to know. It has been possible for me to work as unpaid staff to get us through the pandemic, the management crises after we lost our GM in 2021, and support for staff throughout our history as a Board Chair, Secretary, and regular volunteer all along. At times this was a full-time job, at no cost to the market. I have always given more than I have gained. 

I am now treated in a hostile manner by staff, fellow members, Board members and officers. The loss of the trust relationship has been more demoralizing than I can express, and if this has not happened to you, if you have not extended decades of dedicated and principled service, and then been marginalized and maligned, I am happy for you. It has been the most discouraging experience of my lifetime and I carry it every day. I resigned a year ago for ethical reasons and I have not put down responsibility and service during this year, though it has been clear that my service is unwanted and unappreciated. 

However, I do not feel I have any influence or shared respect to help correct this current crisis that is a monumental change to our membership understanding and our basis of existence as a mutual benefit organization. I implore anyone reading this to take action to convey to the Board what has just been excised in another instance of the end justifying the means. Being afraid or suspicious of one, a few, or even a group of members who hold different opinions about an issue or policy or situation can not justify taking away the access of all of us to informed participation in our organization. Punishing all for the perceived and misunderstood actions of a few is a recurring solution to problems that has crippled our organization during the current administration. 

We are in financial peril, with many members experiencing lost payments, restricted access to methods of payment, and the use of our funds for purposes in which we have no opportunity for input. In addition, members are being personally attacked with anger at committee meetings, with no intervention by the staff in the room, and via the Notice of Concern system, being disciplined in humiliating ways by staff, with membership revocation being used as a solution to members who complain or make mistakes. Our selling opportunities have been cancelled without our input.  

Our longstanding commitment to empathy and mutual trust is gone. Our members are afraid to speak up, to speak with each other, and volunteers are disappearing to the point where we will lose our committee system as well as the viability of Holiday Market. New volunteers do not bring the institutional knowledge that seasoned volunteers hold, yet such members are being pushed out as "privileged" or irrelevant while unneeded reconstructions are made of things that were not broken. 

Our organization depends on member contribution, dialogue, shared problem-solving, and trust. Ask yourself who is destroying this, and why. Please do what you can and support others who are working in the best interests of the membership.  

Summer Projects

 I love summer, and now that OCF is wrapped, it is my time for summer projects. I got to most of the garlic just in time, but still have tons of weeding to do and have to restore my raspberry patch this year in the process. I just want to be outside all of the time, no matter how hot it is. 

At the same time, my body is telling me my ambitions are too high. I still hurt in several places from all of the work of Fair, and haven't gone out to clean up my site yet, which I really need to do this week. As it involves lifting wood, I'm dreading it a bit. The site after the event is always so dried out, beaten down and hard-used, it makes me vow to go out more when it is fresh, watered, and lush. Spring flowers are incredible there. I absolutely must spread out my work there too, as trying to do all the set-up in two days was just way too hard this year. 

Market is barely manageable, as my new shoes didn't prove to be miracle-working, as I'd hoped. The foot I broke 13 years ago is showing me its longterm conditions for use, and I am not catching on to the adaptions I'm having to make. I simply cannot stand all day long so will need a high stool to sit on, so I can still be at customer eye level but able to rest the foot. Of course that won't help the back problems, or the other things I need to accommodate, but I'm hoping my new improved attitude will allow a bit less avoidance and a bit more realistic change.

Meanwhile, avoidance of Market politics isn't working as things get more toxic. More members are becoming targets of harassment for what is essentially questioning the decisions of the power structure, which are being delivered in a "if you disagree there is something wrong with you" manner. We no longer have a consensus-seeking process, we have an in-group agreement to push aside anyone who represents a different opinion, and this has spread to many topics, but it's most egregious when it comes to the efforts to make all members comply with all "guidelines" which are no longer suggestions for best practices but laws with "consequences" attached and control and domination tactics employed to get compliance. Humiliation at the hands of your fellow equal members is becoming common.

Numerous members have been labeled "mentally ill" or "disturbed" if they persist in making their disagreements known. I remember when I first sensed I was put in that category, and it was subtle but twisted. An angry person had dropped his suitcase near my booth, but I hadn't heard him say something threatening about it. All I saw was a suitcase in the aisle so I moved it to the corner out of the way. The story came back to me as something that had been chuckled about, that in a ditzy way, I had acted just like a silly old woman would have, and that was so endearing. I do not find my characterization as a silly old woman endearing. I think I have proven that I am a sharp, critically thinking and extremely capable seasoned person, and any diminution of my personal power is a calculated robbery of my standing and effectiveness as a member. That was just the tip of an iceberg as it turned out. 

The tactic of labeling someone as disturbed or crazy is super effective when people don't have direct experience with that person, but place their faith in the opinion of someone in power. It is being used to prepare others to take punitive action against another member, piling up "evidence" carefully to destroy that person's credibility and warp their actions into something suspicious or threatening. Evidence includes people you are seen speaking with, (you must be conspiring, even though you are maybe talking about your products or anything, even the weather), offhand remarks taken out of context, comments you might have made in person or on social media that could have been meant in completely different ways, such as jokes, and infractions you might have made against the many rules. Or you squinting into the sun in the direction of someone who takes offense and sees you as casting the evil eye on them. Any action or statement is fair game.

I used to say that we all had that one rule we didn't follow, but now that might be used in a list of things you do to oppose management control. I don't joke about that now. Our traditional freedom to retain some independence as individual business owners is being taken as some kind of disloyalty that makes us dangerous to the org. There is only one allowed position and that is to support the management in every decision and intent. 

This is of course resulting in a visible lack of volunteers and support for organizational efforts. No one wants that Secretary job, which involves responsibility and a close working relationship with the GM. No one wants to be on the committees where the atmosphere is highly controlled and not collaborative. There's some idea that everything has to be unanimous as if different opinions were destructive or dangerous. Hey, votes have three cateories...approve, disapprove, stand aside. All valid and all helpful in getting to the "elegant solutions" that work the best.

The scariest part is the punishment era we are in where members build cases to terminate the memberships of their equals. When disagreement is a threat, and members are labeled as "unmanageable" it is seen as acceptable to take away their access to the community, the opportunity to make their livings, and to ban them from the marketplace. I don't see how any member can do this without that gut feeling that they themselves could be next. This has never been part of our culture. Someone would have to actually commit a dangerous crime to have their membership taken away. We have always maintained that our diversity is our strength, and that lots of different opinions, styles, and ways to be creative were acceptable and desired, to keep us lively, accessible, and thriving. Conformity has never been something we imposed or even saw as necessary to begin with. 

But every kind of diversity is threatening to this power structure. If domination and control tactics don't work, those with voting power are told false narratives about people being unmanageable, dangerous, and necessary to remove for the protection of the GM. Instead of having someone able to do many types of management that would be effective, when her tactics don't work, she constructs a case that no one could do better and removal of the offender is the only solution. 

I want an end to termination of membership as a possibility while this is dealt with as a negative aspect of our current structure that will destroy us. It is seriously offensive. It is authoritarian and seeing otherwise reasonable people engage in these actions is so very demoralizing. No one is safe from this. 

I do not feel safe at Market, not safe to engage in my longterm friendships, to express my opinions, to engage in any market dialogues or online discussions, not safe to pose solutions or questions, not safe to write this essay. I know there is already a case against me, though it hasn't been documented with Notices of Concern yet or whatever might be in store for me. Ask yourself if someone in their 50th year of participation, having always acted in responsibility and service, feels threatened, what must someone new be feeling? The scrutiny is always there. I am being watched. I'm being judged by my associations, perceived attitudes, sharing observations, attempting to point things out that go against our shared values. 

And if I am, so are you. Is this what you want every week when you show up? Do you feel like an outsider while you see an in-group rejecting other equal members? Are you preferring silence to looking for solutions? 

I don't know how to fix this. I'm working on it. But I do know that I am not crazy, and my observations are not because I am mentally ill...and neither are yours. Take heart. Truth and justice are powerful and they won't hide.  

Golden moments are more than just dust in the sun

Super dusty Fair, which had the upside of making bandanas a hot property, but then it was really physically hot too and sales were lower than they would have been. And everything, everything, is brown with dust. I'm a bit afraid to open the totes, as even my products might need to be washed or the prices lowered. That's on for tomorrow. Today I had two zooms so I had to function and communicate and keep doing laundry. I need a vacation.

I didn't have enough workers so had to be there selling the whole time, which meant no shopping, no strolling over to Xavanadu for lunch, or much of anything besides work and exhaustion. But I still managed to somewhat recapture the love I have for the community we built out there and all of its far-reaching effects.

If there is going to be a better, more compassionate world, it will be because people like the ones I know out there have worked their whole lives to create and nurture it. Our kids, and our grandkids get it, and carry it forward in inspiring ways. I feel again like we will get through these times and on to somewhat easier ones again.

Except for the climate emergency. We are not getting out of that. I generally love it when nature takes over and takes away our human superiority complex and we are humbled. I'm grateful it didn't rain, as that tree that grows in my living space makes it impossible to keep things dry, even with the many tarps and gear I take out there for that eventuality. It has certainly happened a few times but this time it was dry dry dry. I'm still parched. 

The worst part was the hundreds and thousands of rocks in the path and all over the ground. Stepping on rocks drove my foot injury wild. My right foot hurt the whole time. Now that I am back my neck and hands are painfully complaining about all the lifting and overwork. The first two days of setup were way too hard on my body. Next year I have to carve out some time to get out there and do some prefair site prep. Gone are the days when there were volunteers and staff to help with that. Water crew messed up and couldn't fill the path-watering barrels so that caused the overwhelming dust problem. I don't blame the volunteers. One factor that we discussed was that when the older volunteers leave, they generally don't mentor successors or have a process for making sure all the hard-gained knowledge is passed to the new members of the crew. I'm sure some do, but it is just hard and complicated to compile institutional knowledge when it rests in dedicated people who sometimes leave without being ready or emotionally settled enough to help who's left.

Much like what happened with my job at Market. I wasn't able to find anyone to mentor in the many aspects, though I did document most of it as an extended job description. Right before Fair some market members started trying to figure out what a Secretary is supposed to do, and I was able to provide that, but didn't have time or energy to discuss what wasn't working and won't just start working with a new person in the position.

Many of the tasks or responsibilities in my description require a lot of collaboration with staff, either the manager or whomever is the main Board support person on staff. We just don't have that person on our staff now. We had it for a minute with Veronica, but that didn't last long enough to get out ahead of all the things that were being undone by staff that didn't know or care how to support volunteers. The top priority of the GM seems to be controlling member behaviors and working to harass and remove members from their uses of their powers to contribute. She isn't a collaborator. The gaps in her knowledge and her desire to learn about her job and our org are debilitating for the org. When I think about what we could be experiencing it makes me so sad. 

I may prioritize finishing up 2019 archiving as we were pretty much at the top of our success during that 50th season. We had a manager doing a decent job, working with a team of workers who were doing fairly well under her direction. When she left they kind of fell apart, but hid that. Over the years since then, we have lost a lot, a lot of knowledge, many volunteers who have been pushed out for various reasons, and a new era of crisis management and drama which means we can't make any progress into getting back into shape. We're overextended in so many ways and our ethical standards and shared values and sense of intention are at odds, our members divided and confused. We have no transparency and manipulation and lies are the norm. It was a relief to have a week off from it. 

While I feel energized and capable, I am very wary of re-entering any type of responsibility or service with the org until we change staff, and I feel compelled to work toward that change despite how difficult and demoralizing it has been. I fear if we don't do it soon we will set even more destructive policy changes and erosion of values in place that we won't be able to recover from. Members who leave seldom return. There isn't an endless number of members, or willing volunteers. 

I hear unthinkable cultural attitudes that I don't believe are true or fair, such as blaming slow change on dug-in old people who refuse change. I think that is a false narrative that has never been true and isn't now. All of the people I worked with embraced change just fine, when it was improvement, refinement, and new technique and skills. Change just for itself is not an improvement. There has to be a purpose in it. Charging members more money won't create the changes we need, it will just support the wasteful and irresponsible overspending we have been seeing.

We need our committees to be restored to doing their jobs, and making the recommendations that are needed, which would then be carried out instead of opposed and defied by the GM. The Board would direct the staff, not just rubberstamp what she wants to do. We have never been ruled by an autocrat, especially one with so many hidden and destructive impulses and plans. We have always been a sensible, fiscally responsible organization that spent within our means and honored our commitment to support emerging artists as well as those who depend on the market for our livelihoods. 

Fair has its issues but things seem to be turning a bit in a more sensible direction as people catch on to the damage that can be and is being done by narcissistic, controlling manipulators in high positions. Our small business owners like honesty, transparency, justice, and truth. We will bring these values back and hold onto them. Gathering in such a large group out in the woods just reinforced that. 

It felt good. I was even able to be friendly to people I'd been avoiding. Drama faded away and it felt good to be me doing what I can do so well. I felt restored and hopeful most of the time. Now I have to hold onto that and make it come back down on the Park Blocks too. 

A Girl Can Dream

 I'm still having fun printing bandanas. I'm sure I have way too many but these may not go out of style for awhile. 

And I'm not sure I can say this enough. Down with fascism. 

Hot topics are too hot

 So much too hot for screenprinting and deflecting bullies. The piling on of bullies on even the concept of an unofficial group like the one Ash started is outing a lot of controlling people and people intent on supporting a controlling agenda. When the OCF groups started (I think it was before the pandemic, when the power politics came in, or maybe before that even) there was a flood of bullies trying to shut down the groups, their discussions, and people's ability to express dissenting opinions or even explore their reactions to official acts. It took awhile to balance out, and resulted in people leaving the community when they found out how willing others were to spread misery. On the site I like, Negative shit we don't want to talk about, we kick the bullies out after explaining that we are essentially a serious but snarky site that isn't for everyone. It's a lovely community for the most part.

It seems not connected to what's happening at market, but actually it is. There are leaders in both memberships and staffs who have been there and subscribed to this new control fantasy that you can get hundreds or thousands of members to only talk about and to accept the company line. This obviously is not possible and is a control fantasy. Now, in a move that is so predictable yet shocking, the market site has been closed down to any but admins and posts they approve, until Wed. night they say. Even after deleting some bullying comments, it looks like they can't handle the free speech issues raised by the people they don't like. They couldn't just delete all the bullying, because some of it was being done by their favorites. 

As an admin I tried to let bullying sit a minute for people to see it, and then ask the person to moderate their comments or I'd remove them. Often they would moderate themselves and the discussions could go on. But those times were so much more trusting than these. It's hard to explain that things worked so much better with trust, when obviously it only took one or two untrustworthy people to come in and turn us upside down. 

Controllers and narcissists and bullies use similar tactics to take you down and at minimum, discourage you from speaking up, particularly on social media but also in real life. I've gotten schooled so many times from people that insist that whether or not I have an official position, I am a leader and it is my responsibility to stay on message with the power structure and encourage and guide everyone else to do that too. When I had a position, I did feel the pressure of my duty of loyalty, obedience, and care to do what I could to support the company line, until it became an oppression of my moral values and ethics. And then, I quit my positions in both organizations and was surprisingly not more free to express myself, because the bullies didn't really care what kind of pressure they had to use on me, they still found types of pressure to use.

My duty of loyalty is to the organizations, not to their power structures, like our duties in real life are to our communities, our families, our constitution, not to people who want to use power over us. We don't have to do what they want us to. Boundaries are very maddening to controlling people. They tend to deepen and shift their tactics to less direct ones, which if you try even a little bit you can see operating.

One way is that they change the ways they speak about you. Instead of me resigning after many dedicated years of service, I "left them in the lurch." Instead of the person I had always shown myself to be, I was now somehow someone else, according to the stories that filtered back to me. I'm an easy person to bully...I tend to keep my accomplishments and such to myself, and just let my work speak for me. I did a really thorough and more than competent job as an officer, with depths of effort that did not show, but now I am categorized as someone who made "egregious failures." It goes on and on. 

It has not been easy to learn how to not allow myself to be bullied, to learn to set boundaries and not care so much. It is necessary, however. They have many tactics to draw you into traps, like the post asking for my participation in a discussion of the GM position and issues. The same person who continues to disparage me all of a sudden "valued my input." The set-up was obviously provocative. 

I made a promise to myself when I turned 75 that I would no longer accept the presence of bullies in my life. I blocked a couple on social media, and when they try to engage with me I am not available for it. I pull back opportunities for them to use me. It's not pleasant. I'm not used to it. I am getting more skilled at it, though.

I know some of you readers have not done the study of bullying and narcissism I have done over the last decade, and you will make the common judgement that I am not rational on the subject and manufacturing evidence to show myself as a victim. Study up. There is a ton of information on the internet that will teach you some of the tactics, and the many nuances of how they are hidden behaviors for the most part. 

You may not have registered the changes in our organizations since these controlling people came along. You may be confused as to why people are fighting, intolerant, "spewing negativity" (a common criticism of any disagreement) and struggling to participate fully. I am here to tell you that the culture of bullying is being fostered from the top. You can see that in national politics, and it is no different in our microcosm. People with power are using it to hurt and control and dominate others. People who won't accept that domination are being targeted with punishment, banishment, and shunning. 

It's always my policy to not trash individual volunteers who are trying, I am sure, to do their best, even when I disagree with their opinions or tactics. I might speak about their positions, or their behaviors, but I am not here to name names. You will need to figure out that part for yourselves. But use your gut feelings, ask questions, and make observations. Watch how dissenting opinions are handled. Watch what happens when someone resists compliance.

I have to get back into the very hot shop and print some black hoodies, which as you can imagine, is something I do not want to do today. But I will. Because my client treats me with respect and lets me know I am valued, worth what I charge, and my dependability is honored. I have let the clients go who don't treat me that way. My life is better for it.  

A wild and windy day on the Park Blocks

 Yesterday's Market was more restorative than it has been lately, probably because the PRIDE parade came through and we got to feel more a part of things. I felt that the market management hadn't been very welcoming to the NO KINGS and other political protests, as I saw people being asked to not hold their signs up within the market, and being handed a flyer that I did not see. Plus what hit the media was kind of prioritizing our commerce over what the community wanted to do, which I think is a bad look that separates us from the community. I think what the community wants is more important than what our event wants, even though that is sometimes hard to think through.

This has been playing out in several ways in the last few years, after we got such amazing community support during the pandemic, and should have continued to show our gratitude for that. First thing was a grant proposal I wrote for a downtown program grant, which was intended to invite community partners to get free booths in the closed streets for their own fundraising, to celebrate our connections and honor their nonprofit goals, which benefit all of us. I did this as a volunteer with staff approval, and it took many hours, as any of you who apply for grants will know. (Sometime I will tell the story of a grant proposal I was asked to do for a $26,000 grant that I put about 10 days into, which was fumbled.)

But we didn't get the $5000, and the event then morphed into the Sustainability thing we had on Oak where members and others who had sustainability focuses got booths, which was a much different thing and not the original vision. I had stepped out, and left organization to staff, and there wasn't much organization. The Kareng Fund was told we couldn't do our planned raffle so we didn't do a booth, as our resources are too limited to just do outreach. Anyway, that was one opportunity lost to thank our community partners, although there were some nonprofit booths and I hope they were supported. I know we still allow free nonprofit spaces, but without any notice in the newsletter of who they are, I don't have time to run over to find them and decide if I want to pitch them some cash, which I generally like to do when I can. I'd love to see them listed, and at HM too. 

I noticed Farmers had or are having a similar event to what I had envisioned, with a lot of nonprofits, but they seem to be able and interested in featuring a lot of community partners and although I think we are asked, we don't generally feature them, to my satisfaction anyway. But then farmers allow free tote bags and stuff to be given away by those partners, so it's not always without issues.

Another way we didn't show community support was the attempt to displace the Artists and Authors Fair from the Atrium at HM. That wasn't successful, but they were pressured to move to one of the side meeting rooms so the vision of changing the HM map to shift to a different traffic pattern could happen. I know that if the general public knew we did that, it would look really bad for us, but as it didn't succeed it didn't get too public. It may not be over, but again, there seemed to be such disregard for other groups by the so-important Saturday Market. My feeling is that we have no need to do things like that...our importance is already in place, self-evident, and we are best just being part of the whole, not a dominating force.

But of course domination and control is now part of our ethos, from the top down. It scares me that our culture can be that easily changed, although there has been resistance. There seems to be an effort to marginalize those of us who carry these "old" values that used to be our guiding values...but since we haven't had any kind of visioning retreats since before Kirsten was manager, we've lost touch with the group knowledge that we always have carried forward proudly, that we cared about all of us, kept options open for people struggling, had ideals that we considered in every decision. Some of that is still happening, no doubt, as we do have caring people and many of them, but it tends to be embodied in certain ones of us, and not everyone.

And the false narratives take their toll. The "mean members" narrative keeps coming up, that it is so hard for our manager because we members won't do what she says. Yes, we don't all follow all the rules, and we are a giant group of people, so I don't know why it would ever be expected that we would have 100% compliance with any rule. The idea is to have group agreements that make sense so that it is easy to follow them, because for the most part, people's needs are met. But sure, some people don't have as strong of a group ethic, are more individualistic, and need help seeing why they might want to get closer to following any particular rule. 

Previous managers just did their best to encourage general agreement with good examples themselves, having ethics of their own, fostering trust, community building, clear communications, realistic expectations, and whatever else they could do to appeal to our better natures. Members make better and lasting changes in their behaviors when they see the benefits. Punishing them and trying to manipulate them has never worked, and in fact has the effect of creating opposition and dissatisfaction and that is more what our problems are about now. People are being targeted, punished and threatened and are reacting badly to that. I mean, I won't go to meetings, and I love meeting process and as Secretary was required to attend every meeting for the last fifteen years, and was happy to be there. When meetings started to be held without me, I saw a huge red flag. They were called other things besides Board meetings, but when a quorum of Board members are in attendance, that is legally a Board meeting. And our bylaws require a Secretary, and minutes. Special meetings, town halls, annual meetings, orientations, whatever they are called, require minutes and some kind of officer in place taking responsibility. So yeah, I hope someone steps up to be Secretary at this next Board meeting. I always felt it was the most important official role, protecting the public record, the legality, and the ethical standards of the organization, for the members. 

I'm never opposed to change, if that is what the members want, but it has to be informed, careful change that doesn't only benefit those in the room. The recent fee increase came without data, such as how many members we have who are struggling at the low end of income, and how much more this would cost them in relation to their sales. For instance, a member near me this past week made $20. So they paid $22 in fees. Obviously a few weeks of that would lead them to give up, or start playing the system somehow for their own survival. There are plenty of people who really only sell well in the HM environment, and not as well on the Park Blocks. Our current system has a lot of people forced to sell on the PB for their HM points, putting pressure on the PB, so we turn away a lot of people who would like to sell, and we prioritize those who can afford to stick with it even when it isn't really working for them. In the beginning it was intentional to keep spaces available at HM for SM members, so people couldn't just come in for "the cream" without drinking the weekly milk of the harder PB sales reality. Now I think we should look again and see if we can restructure that somehow to meet the different needs of the two groups of members. It would need a task force and a lot of careful analysis, so it won't probably be a task for this particular power structure, but maybe someday it could be addressed. 

Decisions about these types of things can not be quickly made. There are always unintended effects, and we are now experiencing the effects of the decision to expand HM. That isn't over. There will be more with this new HM map. Someone pointed out that it is very convenient that we now have what I call the corner tax, which is an additional $20 a weekend for corner spaces, and our new map has a much larger number of corners. This is kind of a hidden fee increase, that kind of made sense, but now kind of looks more like a subterfuge.

Because trust has been broken. We just don't have it. We have members who won't talk to each other, members who are targeted for harassment, members who are punished and many who are afraid to speak. Under the disingenuous plea for "unity," it has become dangerous to disagree. It's routinely unpleasant and there are surely members who have quit rather than try to weather it. Some are fighting for their survival and right to participate. Our election was compromised with negative campaigning which worked. People who didn't toe the company line were rejected by rumor, innuendo, and outright lies. It was highly demoralizing. It was exhausting.

I've been hypervigilant so long it seems like it's constant. Since I'm overworking right now, it's very hard. I feel that it's important for me to declare that without market, I will lose my house and my ability to survive the coming years. I know I am not the only one. Will this flawed power structure take my livelihood away from me? A few years ago, I would not have even considered this a possibility. Now, I do. I do not feel like they care about me. Remember when we used to say we wanted to "keep everyone in the basket?" It wasn't that long ago. 

One half hour is all I can manage today

 Wish I had less work to do and more time to rest, but this is a push to get everything ready for OCF and I know every minute counts. The yard is out of control and so many things are not getting finished, but I'll get to them in August (I say that now.)

Had thoughts about the election and was appreciative that the results were shared in the newsletter, including the many write-ins. I think this was the first year that Frog did not bet a vote. Sad. 

The negative campaigning worked well, to the shame of the historical record, and I hope this does not become the way things are done going forward. The three people targeted in written and spoken encounters with members did not get elected and their totals were much lower than they would have been. As a membership it turns out we are easily manipulated...no surprise there.  Many of us do not know each other are are willing to follow what seems easiest. We did elect some responsible people though, so I am happy to let this Board get to know each other and learn to work together. I hope each one of them takes the time to really explore the policies, guidelines, and especially the history so they feel prepared to lead us. We have plenty of challenges to navigate. 

A good portion of us, at least a third, are quite dissatisfied with how things are going and we'll soon see the effects of the recent financial decisions. The fee increase starts this weekend, and what is "just $5 more " to some might spell the end of the line for others. We always have plenty of people on the margins who really will not feel they can afford paying more for everything. The Board indicated at the Town Hall that more increases are planned, which I hope they will reconsider. 

I also want them to reconsider forcing all of us to take two weeks off in November. For anyone with a craft that is mailable, this will cost sales for sure. We lose the momentum of being a community gathering and make ourselves unavailable right as the buying season picks up, and I resent losing two important paydays. This will further increase member dissatisfaction, as staff will still get paid...they will not be laid off for two weeks. Holiday Market should not be driving the Park Blocks choices. I knew when one November market was cancelled, that would start a bad trend. It was misrepresented then and now is just being ignored. 

As we saw this last Saturday, weather is a real factor and although a lot of people came, we all got wet, and we all made a bit less and the crowds attracted to all of the downtown events did not necessarily translate to a crafts-buying crowd. I did fine, but everything did have to be dried out so I spent Sunday hanging bags outside with the popup, walls and weights all needing to be in the sun. Fortunately we had sun on Sunday. But it added up to less income for the day for the Market, and with Pride moved to the Fairgrounds, we may see fewer sales this week as well, and we haven't even gotten to the high heat and smoke days we may get this summer. We just are not guaranteed solid income. 

We're willing to work for it. It would help if we as members felt that we were in a team with our power structure so let's hope this new Board will be able to turn that feeling on again for us. I'm always optimistic.

I like this new FB group that will focus on helping members understand the policies, structure, and how organizations can work in healthy ways to meet the needs of the members. A mutual benefit membership organization is a rarity and ours is very precious, so we want to protect it from erosion of the values and goals that will keep us thriving. We need all the methods and opportunities people are willing to try. I support the group and look forward to contributing as soon as I am not so busy and can have time. I suppose I will stay on FB a little longer to see about efforts like that.

Not commenting in the official members group though. I don't need that kind of bullying in my life.

See you Saturday! 

I was wrong on the internet! Oh my.

I was wrong on the internet this week. I don't mind being wrong that much, but the amount of energy expended to correct me was surprising. That affected me. Am I really the sanctimonious asshole they seemed to think I am? Maybe...

When I was on the inside, with all of the information, such as the election results, I didn't know how it felt to not have that access. I have always been trusted in the past, so if I wanted to know something, I could expect an answer, and I also had access to the places to look for it. I'm sure because I knew the election results numbers, it didn't occur to me how it looked hidden to others. We did post them on the HM office wall, and I do believe we shared them widely in the earlier days, but at some point it became the culture to keep them quiet out of deference to those who didn't get many votes. This had something to do with the concept of equal members in its thought, but when I tried to think of any other elections when this is done, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to protect the feelings of people who put themselves up for election.

Just as it doesn't make sense to protect the feelings of people on the internet...or anyway it is not the practice. But I can't stop thinking about the concept of the flying monkeys in the narcissism realm...those people who carry out the wishes of the narcissist with or without their direction, but as a part of their defenses. It seems to me now that every time I speak up I am attacked by the flying monkeys who assume my bad intent whether or not I have any. 

I wasn't questioning the results or the process of the election, although in fact the negative campaigning was extremely questionable and to my mind, highly inappropriate and unethical. The fact that it worked makes it worse I think. The way the election was so strongly broadcast was not the usual practice, but getting more people to vote is not a bad thing in itself. I feel there were hidden motives of control and domination, but calling out hidden motives is the kind of assumption I don't want done to me, so I didn't do that publicly. Except it was assumed I had. So I was attacked for those assumptions, even though to my mind I had made a reasonable statement that I thought the members would appreciate more transparency, not saying "because now the trust relationship is gone."

It is for me, anyway. I'll repeat that this has been devastating to me after 50 years of a very comforting trust relationship. Being on the inside meant I did see some transgressions, and made some myself, but I always felt that good people were doing their best, and we have a majority of good people, who do seem to be doing their best.

But now we also have these attackers, and maybe we always have, but it seems so much more apparent when they are attacking me. I guess being as self-centered as the next person, it took making it personal to really make me see and feel it. I'm all for new experiences but this has not been at all fun. 

Thinking back, I have been attacked, but I was always just able to get past it by knowing those people were damaged and in pain and still, doing their best, even if it felt destructive. I'm just not sure that is really the case now. I was all set to extend compassion to this person but now she said as Secretary I was guilty of apparently many egregious failures, and maybe she knows what they were, as I sure don't. I know I sure was putting in lots of hours for free. I was always so supportive it embarrasses me now. Just thinking that my legacy of giving has been reduced to many egregious failures in one FB post, again, I feel devastated. Will my membership termination follow? For having different opinions? 

I want to rant, but that will likely make me feel worse. I will, however, have to spend the rest of the day reminding myself of all the ways I have not committed egregious failures. I feel stupid that someone that hasn't, to my memory, ever even spoken with me at market, can take me down that low in a few comments. To me, my worst failure has been the overly supportive roles I have played to keep the market alive and well at the expense of my own life. There's that half of my livingroom filled with the archives, too. Fuuuuccckkkk. 

For those of you new to reading this blog, I haven't shared it on Facebook since 2020 when one of my posts got algorithmed and it made me uncomfortable. Context is important with this writing, because it is personal and not really for wide broadcasting. I don't have to be right in here, just honest. I'm not going to allow personal attacks based on what people read in here (if I can even tell that's happening.) I don't really want a lot of discussion about my writing, either. This is a place where I share my thought process, where I reason through things, and it is my right and my process for understanding, so fuck right off if you don't like what you read.

That said, I welcome you as new readers, sent here by a friend sharing it on FB. It's not a huge amount of readers, so I'm not ready to shut things down, but I do feel like you need context to understand where I am in any individual post. So you might want to read back, as these go back a lot of years. Back to when I was in a trust relationship with market, and I was on the inside, as an officer, and I was doing my best like every volunteer is supposed to be doing.

I'm no saint. I make assumptions and am wrong, have strong convictions and hold grudges, which I try to work on over time. I feel like one of the people attacking me this week was someone with whom I actually have a lot in common, and they were just having different memories. Theirs turned out to be true and mine, well, rosy at best and false at worst. As Secretary I always tried to take the high road as hard as I knew how to, and I probably did come off as a sanctimonious asshole at times. I tend to use formal language in articulating things and that comes off cold and distant on the internet...I do remember writing her one letter delegated to me by the Chair, in response to a pressing member issue. Writing letters to mad members never worked out for me, no matter how much compassion I tried to extend. 

Not an excuse. I am a people pleaser (recovering) and I often deferred to others in making group decisions. I like to say I led from the middle. What the members wanted, I tried to do. I didn't want to fight, just tried to accommodate.

Probably some of what is happening with me now is I am trying to learn not to accommodate, and not to defer to bullying. When I turned 75 last month I gave myself the gift of banning bullies from my spheres...I just won't interact with them. It's not easy to do! Boundaries are not my natural inclination. I more naturally drop my defenses and try to remain vulnerable and with accessible emotions. That, of course, rarely works on the internet.

Anyway, be advised that I am speaking for myself now, not echoing any company line or part of any particular group or movement in microcosmic or macrocosmic politics. I'm trying to think for myself and do what I feel is the most ethical thing for me, as I have to live with my actions. So you may not like them. Feel free not to read this.

Rainy Saturday on the way! They are predicting as much as half an inch. I'm kind of looking forward to it, strangely. I like feeling strong. Yesterday I printed over 300 prints, fiddly thin bandanas and way too many of them. It hurt several body parts and for the first time in ages I took some ibuprofen. I need to do that more often I guess. Suffering doesn't help me think rationally.

See you tomorrow...suit up.