Nightmares

Had quite a nightmare last night that woke me up, which was tangentially about how I am being bullied by the narcissist, but was much deeper in content and meaning. I am extremely proud of my brain which fully processed my reflections before gently waking me up so I could write them down. I was able to take a big leap forward. 

The confusion and dissonance members are feeling is part of the intention. You are not supposed to have clear emotions and reactions to the subtle and manipulative words and behaviors. That takes strength and a lot of experience which I am glad for you if you don't have, complete with a list of narcissistic tactics you have undergone. 

But a lot of us do have that list. Mine is now four pages long. Some keep repeating. Being publicly trolled by someone who is supposed to be a professional, using the public record archival publications of your organization is just beyond the pale. It has happened so many times now that it will not be able to be hidden by tactics like not providing enough copies for everyone to see or not provideing it electronically. . History does not lie, and truth is always waiting in the wings.

And as an additional fun experience, we got to see another narcissist throw a fit when she was outbid on an auction item. She called it mean, whined a lot, and said she was leaving, though sadly she did not. This is the first time in maybe 20 years that we have seen such childish behavior at a fundraiser. Wow. Not her first fit, but the first one I had to sit through. 

Fortunately everything else that happened in two big hard days of retail was warming, fulfilling, and restored any faith I had lost in our community. We are strong, thoughtful and smart, and we are well loved. I had so many people tell me they came especially to see me. Two more days until the end of my 50th season of Saturday Market, a lifetime of learning, serving, working hard for the common good, learning about group process, and keeping myself sustained and joyous through thick and thin. So many wonderful people, and so few people from hell. I will be so glad to restore this offseason. 

And I will be ready for my 51st, if the creek don't rise.  

The Annual Meeting

I made myself laugh yesterday when I realized that the State of the Market address had to be written by Chat GPT. It bears little resemblance to our collective reality. The whole meeting was a glossy and fluffy overlay on what actually has happened in the last year and where we are now. If you know, you knew...if you don't, everything is fine. Glossy and fluffy shiny fine. 

About 50 people attended, but no attendance sheet went around, and no minutes were kept as far as I know. There wasn't an electronic version of the packet, or anyway I didn't get one. The Board Chair rewrote his report to add taking responsibility and apologizing again for the "dark chaos" as they are spinning the attempted legal corrections suggested at the beginning of last year for the things they were doing or not doing like not posting the meeting dates, gatekeeping the info members were getting, and the technical errors that pointed out the inability of the organization to keep track of itself. They drove out their scapegoats and congratulated themselves for how hard they worked. They do seem to be uniting into a real Board, working together, which is hopeful, but that glosses over the fact that no one who disagrees with things is welcome in the room. There is only "One Right Way," which incidentally is a feature of WSC. Check those fifteen characteristics lists and you will see a few things that tell you we are not being a progressive, open organization. Maybe we'll get back there someday. 

There was a blank page in place of a financial report. One exists, but even the 50 dedicated and interested members at the legally required Annual Meeting were not to be trusted with a financial report. My memory tells me that although the Chair's written report mentions last year's deficit, his oral report didn't, but I don't have a copy of the revisions. The Budget Committee Chair would have been happy to give a full report, but he was not permitted to prepare one. He gave a few veiled bullet points but as they were not written down I can't tell you what they were. The one I remember was a repeat of the concept that we need someone in the paid staff who can do the financial management, currently being done by volunteers, or not being done at all. We need an audit. We are being blocked from knowing how we are doing, which is the biggest, loudest Red Flag possible. 

And anecdotally, we members are struggling. I have not talked to one person who is doing better at HM than last year. I'm at about 2/3 of last year's sales, though there are lots of factors no doubt. I'm cutting my own spending in response, of course, and I usually try to spread a lot of cash around the market. It's not easy to manage 3 months of no sales over the winter. Selling in March at the Farmers is not possible for me and I don't sell online. Promises of riches from the new website are ludicrous. 

 I'm not going to bother going through the misleading reports. I still hold that volunteers are doing their best to participate in responsible group process and I am hesitant to fault any of them. I know exactly how hard it is to steer the big ship of Market. I know more than I want to know about it. I wish I could never think about it again.

But we have challenges that must be addressed. The farmers will be closing at 2:00 next season, so we have two hours of irrelevance if we don't program it well to keep the event going. Just having good bands won't help either. We need a lot of changes to our presentation and a huge shift in how we spend our money. All indications are that we are in a decline of income, headed straight to another loss year, and a pattern of doing little or nothing to change. 

This is not the fault of the membership. Another fee increase (no one seems to know what it will be, exactly, which suggests that there could be more than one) on top of our struggles to stay afloat will jettison some of us and harassment and distrust will drive away some others. 

Community building is hard...community destruction is easy. Just lie, manipulate, award your friends and kick out your "enemies." If someone questions things, love bomb them back into the cult, grant them some special favors, and take them out for "the three hour lunch" indoctrination. If that fails, destroy their credibility, keep them from getting real information, and sail around them using their suggestions as if you thought of them yourself. 

Call them a complainer spewing negativity. Works great.  

 

After the third weekend

In many ways, Holiday Market brings out the best of our members. In general, we are not competitive, each of us wishing for the success of all of us, the positive experiences of our visitors, the warmth of whatever season each of us is experiencing. We are mostly a beautiful group of generous, creative artisans and people who embrace the joy and ease we all want in life. We delight in each other. We truly work for a mutual benefit as our legal status describes us. I'm not just being ridiculously positive...I am in my 50th season of being a market member and I have known this week after week, in all of the random conversations and friendships developed over the years.  

At Holiday Market, the greater ease of not being impacted minute by minute by the weather allows us to visit more with our booth neighbors and share more of who we are in our larger lives. We talk about our families, our health, our discoveries of what has worked to solve our problems, our hopes, dreams and what we like to eat. We are having fairly intimate relationships all day every day, and sharing those with our customers too, who respond with their own amazing stories and reflections. I used to write about this a lot when things were better internally with the market. It's about life, loss, building and taking apart the lovely silk of our tapestry. 

But now the false narratives being spread by those in power who don't love us are causing rifts and damage that will take a long time to repair. We are told our members are "mean" and all of our staff who have left have gone because of that. We are told to praise staff and support them but nothing is said about our support for our fellow members, our mutual appreciation network that is so important. The latest false narrative I heard this weekend was that our financial troubles are caused by members who abuse the honor system by not paying their fair fees. So anyone who reports low earnings is dishonest and a liar and cheat. Confidential information is being shared about some who are suspected of this. Well, honor is personal and everyone does get a choice about how honorable and honest they are, but we have definitely seen in that area and in all areas, people support the market in direct relation to how they feel they are being supported.

I'm a goody-goody and I can afford to pay honest fees, and always have. If I sell after I pay, I make it up the following week. However, I have pulled all of my extra support, such as the donations I have regularly made, my at-cost deals for printing services, my secretarial duties which at times amounted to doing the work of staff as a volunteer. Sometimes it was an insane amount of time invested, like during the last two staffing crises when I was essentially the unpaid assistant manager and my job of overseeing the organization became the hands-on doing of the tasks. When I felt supportive of what was being done, I made those sacrifices of my time (which amounted to not working on my own business and life) because my skills were needed and I enjoyed being part of things, making my contributions. 

At times I was trapped into it, but set aside my reluctance and did my duty. My real Duty of Loyalty and Care is to the organization, regardless of my official title or lack of one, as I have the real need to make a living and the emotional need to make sure the legacy of what has come before is protected and shepherded into the future. So many thousands of people need the market, not just the artisans and musicians, but the greater community and the city itself. We are an important tourist destination and gathering place for every kind of human activity that happens in a society. We are each an essential part of the fabric.

So to have the message go out that we don't care about honor and honesty is rough. What I see is that people have to go home with something for their long day and if they have to make a choice about life costs and fair fees, they sometimes rationalize. Maybe they'll make it up in better times. Maybe they'll do some labor instead of giving money. Maybe they are in survival mode or are staving off suicidal ideation and just have to pay that electric bill, and are out of options. We have always said that is why we are open on days that are not necessarily profitable for the market. We know there are people who need that $30 they make or that encouragement to keep going. We have always been as compassionate as possible about keeping people in the community and helping them survive, even if they might not be as nice and loving about it in return as we want them to be. It's a lot of humans, and not everyone is at their best every Saturday or Sunday. Things are going on we know nothing about for them.

So to have a narcissist in charge is super challenging. Narcissists always put themselves first. Their needs transcend your needs and they must have control to an excessive degree, so they have no problem making things all about them. Every week in the newsletter you can feel the slant, and the absence of all of us. At the committee and other meetings the agendas are driven, sometimes secretly, by the needs and desires of the narcissist. Gaslighting and outright lies are common to frame things in the way the narcissist has strategized to get their short and long-term goals met. You might get what you need, but you will likely have to jump through some at times humiliating hoops. You can ask, but it is clearly the whim of the person in power whether or not your requests will have importance. We've seen that over and over and I hear many reports firsthand about these hoops, many of which I have experienced until I started acting like a grey rock when they came my way. I had to work hard to separate and refuse to engage with the narcissistic demands. I have to avoid a lot of subtle things that are supposed to drag me back into supplying emotional gratification for a person who enjoys running control trips on others and delights in seeing people struggle.

If you haven't interacted with a narcissist you maybe won't recognize the clear habits and tactics of this personality disorder. It seems sadly true that it takes personal experience with manipulation for someone to recognize it, to develop that spidey sense in their bodies when they feel humiliated or lied to or managed in those ways. More and more people are feeling it, but it is hard to admit when you are a victim, and much easier to believe the charm offensives, the pretension and to believe the lies in the  house of cards built by someone acting in their own self-interest. Do some research.

They always have to be right, and if you challenge them, they have ways to reframe, outright lie, or give excuses to what you have questioned. They don't admit mistakes, but cover them up with some effort to fix what they broke and take credit for the triumph. They will extend their self-interest to seem to include others, but it depends on the loyalty and gullibility of those people whether or not they get the benefits of the insiders. There is an inner circle and you feel special when you are invited into it. There are rewards and gifts and what seems like generosity and self-sacrifice, but there is always a motive to it. It took me a long while to identify some of the physical "tells" of the interactions. They will appear to listen as they delve into your personal history and vulnerabilities, and appear to share stories that elevate your compassion for them. They count on your empathy and will cry, appear to suffer, and plead for your help. The thing is, you have to comply. If you refuse, they get demanding, mean, and will retaliate. To be safe with a predator, you either have to get up close and help them attack their prey, protect them from accountability, or disengage completely, at which point they will spread false information about you to undermine whatever personal power you have.

After I withdrew my support and starting working against this power structure, there has been a lot of gossip and effort to portray me and this writing as just complaining, negativity, and the ranting of a disaffected old person who is slipping. I've been warned to stop writing here, something I have been doing for over 15 years and something I have every right to do. The one rule I have with my personal nonfiction writing is to tell the truth. This is what a writer does. This is a sacred activity that the world depends on, a form of communication that takes an important role in uncovering deception and bad will and holds people feet to the fire. 

At the same time, as it is personal, it is my truth. I don't feel compelled to make anyone believe it, though I tried a few times to educate people in the power structure about the ways they were being pushed to do things that were not ethical and were destroying what we have built with the market. They have mostly chosen to kill the messenger and bully me in some cases, so there are a few people I won't engage with now about their roles, or in some cases, at all. But many of them are still friends, and we interact on those levels with our longterm relationships in mind. The narcissist won't be in power forever. I've worked with maybe 20 managers over the five decades. We've had a range. The poor ones drove people to leave in frustration, and some come back when they see the changes of better ones. 

In 1989 when Bill was hired, we had about 350 members as some, like me, had stepped back from participating with the team that ended up unintentionally losing $4500 of our dollars to some really terrible financial procedures. By 1994, with Bill in charge, we had 800 members. There was a time we discovered we were $25,000 in the red and the managers threw up their hands and said they just weren't good with the money. We liked them, but we fired them. We fired people for playing favorites, for just not being skilled enough to do the job, and for stealing from us. It happens. We have some weak systems a good manager fixes and a bad manager takes advantage of. We're pretty easy to manipulate. We operate with a lot of trust.

Our city has seen some shocking mismanagement, like the embezzlements from the Weekly, Homes for Good, and OUR credit union in the past. It happens all the time. Every time there are people who are shocked, who trusted those people, who thought they were nice, good and caring people with the common good at heart. This is the modus operandi. This is how it works. You don't have evidence until you look for it. You have to convince a lot of people, and yourself, that what you are sensing is valid.

People ask me why I don't take what I am saying to The Weekly or somewhere that can help us. I chose when I resigned not to blow things up completely, but I may have made the wrong choice. I didn't think it would take this long for the truth to come out of what we are most likely experiencing, and some of us are absolutely experiencing. Anecdotal evidence is mounting of people whose money has been mishandled, or have not gotten the services they are paying for. One person I know has not been listed as selling for three weeks now, despite repeated efforts to make that happen. The database rebuild is not working as promised, hasn't fixed what was broken, and will not address some of the biggest issues we have in our structure. Our savings are soon going to be more than halved after decades of not touching them. I feel our very mutual benefit nonprofit structure is a target, to take away the power of the members. Membership organizations are messy, sometimes chaotic, and hard to control. This is intolerable to the narcissitic personality. I am chilled by something she said to me when she was taking over: "I can't wait to get my hands on this organization and start making changes." 

I sure wish I had known what that would look like. I've always said one person could not kill the market, and I still believe that, but I failed to realize how one person could convince a lot of people to help them do it. I've always believed in us with my whole heart. I guess I was just too generous in my definition of "us." 

Priorities

Maybe just a short post to point out that we are heading into a second year of overspending because we have a GM who doesn't know how to manage a budget or follow the set priorities of the organization. She will not allow the Budget Committee to even discuss those priorities without going off, screaming at the one person who is doing her job by putting together the facts of the spending and financial ill health of our organization. That's right, if you speak the truth to her, she will have a tantrum to shut you up.

Is this the kind of unprofessional behavior that should be supported? All of the people so adamant about supporting staff are accepting the ultimatums and gaslighting and control techniques that she uses on the volunteers who are trying to keep our organization afloat. It is not that hard to identify control tactics! Google it.

Historically, although it is not ideal, we have had to make cuts to stay solvent, whether those be in advertising, entertainment, security, or staffing. It has to happen. No one wants to lose trained staff, to make them go on unemployment for a couple of months, to make some of them find second jobs to cover their expenses when we simply do not have the income to support the expenditures. However, there are lots of young, smart managers out there, with event management training, nonprofit experience, and the energy and intelligence to make our organization thrive again. 

By the conclusion of this year, if we keep going as she wants to, we will have spent 60% of our equity to cover the overspending. Since we don't have much in actual assets, this means we will have spent 2/3 of the savings we accumulated over the past 3 decades, in two short years. It's about $200,000.

We started trying to save in the late 80s after we had a budget crisis when we found out we were $25,000 in the red. We held fundraising efforts for two years to make that up, get us back on track, and we hired people who could actually manage money. That was our priority, to be solvent. Yes it was hard work, but that is why we have a market today. 

Homeowners...would you spend your equity down to foreclosure? Anyone, would you spend your savings to make fancy hand-drawn personal maps for 600 members to fix something that was not broken? Would you keep pouring money into a website rebuild when it is not even functional enough to support our current Holiday Market event that all of us depend on to get through the winter months?

Are you ready to begin the next season with even higher fees and lower sales? Misspelled and  grammatically embarrassing promotions tell the world we have staff that doesn't know how to proofread or write coherent sentences. Everything is either amazing or unique. I had to apologize to our former employee who always did such a perfect job for us. We agreed it is cringe to be represented as an organization that is hardly even literate. We're not even listed in the Weekly calendar, which takes a few minutes to make happen.

I know our volunteers think everything is all right and don't want to see what the world is seeing. Members are seeing it but those with the power to do anything about it want to kill the messengers, so people are afraid to speak up and become targets. Many people have walked away to do other events where they are welcomed, treated with respect, and supported. We have gone from an org that supports our members to one that supports only top staff, only one person who lies and manipulates and when exposed, gets violent. And her family members, and her friends.

Ask yourself who is the source of what you think you know about our situation. It took me a long time to realize the carefully crafted false narratives put out piece by piece to create division (we have never been a membership that fights with itself) and demonize anyone who asks hard questions or has a different opinion. People might be simply repeating something less than true that came from the liar in charge.  

Say goodbye to the Market because until all of our money is gone, this won't stop. It's a nightmare. That $25 downtown activity permit looks better and better. 

Load-In System for HM

 Here's the contents of the color-coded important packets for everyone for HM. There were three new big orange flags at my loading zone, not sure if that was true for all of them though I assume so.

I hate how much plastic crap we buy. Just not sustainable. And we all know these deep-dyed paper colors are not recyclable, really. Nor are gloss-finished papers I don't think. Of course we are not doing the sorting and recycling at HM anyway. 

I miss our values. 

Oh, and my row all got moved out from the wall a foot so the backs would line up, as some people did have bumpouts on their back wall. We got a notice that if we used that extra foot of space for anything, we would be charged $15 a week. My booth got moved down so my corner is actually in front of the fire extinguisher on the wall there, but of course we have 350 or so fire extinguishers in the building to supplement the sprinkler system.  

We also got a little piece of orange paper to put on our dashboard to prove what zone we were supposed to be in. 

*Someone* got a lot of praise for coming up with a brilliant solution that fixed the problem she created last year, by suspending our load-in system for the duration of HM, only to give it back pretty much the same as it was, this year, with just a bit less personal choice and a lot more attempt to control. 

All while we are seriously broke and in the red. 

I'm having panic attacks about the finances. I don't have official information I can share, but we should be getting a financial statement at the Annual Meeting on Sunday, December 14th, 9:00 am.  PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FINANCES! 

The Short Week

One day off in a week is definitely not enough...and a couple of partial days is not the same thing. But this is a season of overwork and I know there are a lot of other people experiencing the pressure of that. I am lucky in that my efforts generally do pay off, within the limits of things I can't control. I don't celebrate Thanksgiving Day in a traditional way but I'll try to make it through the 3-day market with as much patience and compassion as I can gather up. I do have plenty of gratitude. I enjoyed giving to all five nonprofits lined up in front of the Evergreen Hall...I'm glad they were there. I'm looking forward to extending more support. Plus The Kareng Fund got some promotional materials! We're trying to transition to being The Caring Fund, just a tiny change, so we got stickers and QR codes and flyers thanks to the generosity of  DeLenn who got them designed and made for us within our quirky consensus process. A big thanks to her and to everyone who supports the Fund. 

I can control most of what is happening to me, but as I age I certainly realize that is just a decreasing list and grace will always be required. Reflections of myself in the public interface of retail craft selling are usually quite gratifying, restoring, and pleasurable, which is why I keep doing it after 50 years I suppose.

It's kind of a funky life. Many of us at market are healing our various traumas, working to stay afloat, and doing our best to maintain some safety and a glimpse of prosperity and fun. We reaffirm every week with that little song Raven and Yana gifted us. We genuinely want prosperity and fun for everyone.

But it gets harder and harder as the trust and collaboration fade from our culture. We are used to making all of our decisions and facing our challenges through group process...seeking a consensus about how to move forward, being as inclusive as possible, trying to speak for and protect those who need it the most. We're struggling to keep that as our set of values as real compassion and sensible business practices fade from our lives to be replaced with a power structure that admits that their strategy is to make us pay for everything it is possible to charge us for, to maintain a top-heavy structure that is abandoning those of us who can't keep up. 

Fortunately we have each other. This week I had some intense back pain on Sunday and tried to be stoic but ended up telling a few people as I tried to manage it. One person gave me an ice pack, another a lidocaine patch, and quite a few had gentle advice that I reluctantly followed. By mid-afternoon I could sit again, had a handle on what it was (SI joint and not a slipped disk, pretty sure) and the ibuprofen worked enough to get me painlessly through the load-out, so I could do it without help and just within the two-hour framework that I have to stretch right to the limit. Because we no longer have any storage, without paying an extra $50 a week for it (!) I have to go home to get my tubs before I can pack things up, and it rained between 4:00 and 7:00 which made it a little harder. But I was able to eliminate half the lifting by packing into my tubs right on my cart without blocking the aisle and that made the difference. I did as little as possible to use my back and it was fine yesterday, so if I am careful I think I will be okay to load it all back in tomorrow. Lowering the stress level is a big part of the management of the whole holiday retail experience.

Sales were down for me, but I had some great customers so I think I can weather a drop in income. We are getting almost zero promotions. No ad in the big fat Emerald Holiday Gift Guide, which hurts, only the flawed Weekly centerfold on the 13th, and not a lot of FB presence. I'm hoping there was more elsewhere, but there is also a lot of consumer reluctance to spend money on top of our admin priorities which don't seem skewed to member support.

We're getting a lot of admonitions to support staff (um, they make way more than we do in most cases) and the false narrative that we are mean members caused the board to send a broadcast email to tell us to be nice to each other, which just gives us the message that they don't see the longstanding community of very nice, very supportive members as we are. We check on each other, we offer lots of help, we are in it together. 

I had a nightmare-like dream with people weeping about market being bankrupt and destroyed, and I confronted some of the people to ask what they thought was happening. What were the problems? Overspending and some people don't like other people? Nothing new, I said. Over 50 years I had seen it all before, and I knew we were not going to fail from that. I said we would just recreate the market if needed, which worked for the FSP folks...persistence and a refusal to go away. There was a big empty house that we could use as an art center. Houses usually represent relationships in my dreams, so there was a big empty space for relationships and a lot of different rooms for them to thrive in. I had an answer for every concern. I was met with quite a bit of silence in the dream, from people who didn't agree, didn't understand me, or didn't believe me. I wasn't bothered by it. I knew what I was speaking from, which was the core of my being. This is my 50th season, a full lifetime. I know us.

A lot of what I've had to do this season is work to recapture my joy. It's obvious that some people don't like my style, my writing, my willingness to communicate with a lot of words, and some of that is the change in the culture. People don't like long emails or letters, want things to be simple, and on the market days, people do not feel safe with each other. If you disagree with the "we must support staff at all costs" cult, you will be reported and face some kind of retaliation. Punishments are built into policies that were never necessary when we were a real community. The honor system had value, and the point system was sacred. Now the model is more authoritarian, and it doesn't work very well to maintain a membership that feels it has rights. I fear the loss of our mutual benefit membership structure altogether. 

Getting the joy back means working to lessen the fears, but of course as a traumatized person I have some inability to make that happen sufficiently without the conduit of information I have previously had. I have no faith I am getting the information through the archiving. I guess a new Handbook was written, which I have not seen yet and isn't posted online, so it's possible some policies have changed that I don't even know about. Glad I am not in a position of direct accountability for them. Communication with the members is a key failing of this power structure...they just aren't prioritizing it for all of the necessary things. The priority is a high degree of control from the top, and punishment for those who won't comply with it.

The Annual Meeting is on the calendar for the wrong day, and nothing has been in the newsletter about it. It's on the loading schedule, so if you know where to look you know when it is, but you had to make an effort to get a schedule because not all the individually handed out packets got to the people. If you didn't attend market and ask for your packet, you missed out. I had reservations about the load-in process, and since I don't drive a car it didn't really apply to me, but there was a lot of confusion and some hardship around it, which fortunately was alleviated by the extra load-in day on Thursday, but you were supposed to get special permission to come that day, and again, people weren't told about it. The changes were made to fix a situation that didn't need fixing, that paradigm where the person creates a problem so they can get a lot of praise for solving it. Load-in happened much as it has traditionally happened, but a lot of people had a lot of anxiety about it. Anxiety is probably our number-one problem regarding Holiday Market in particular, and any given Saturday. What we do in a day is not easy.

The website, predictably, is not yet fully functional. I know one person who is not in it, so people who inquire where she is in the new map are told she is not there (and she is right next to the info booth!). She hasn't gotten her points or the promotion she is paying for. And the costs went up a lot! Generally people like the new map, and the addition of the Atrium, but people got moved without getting to choose spaces in point order as we had always done before. We're moving to a model of assigned spaces like the farmers use, and that will not be a good transition for us if we go farther in that direction. 

People might not remember we threw $10,000 at the website in 2018-2019 and it wasn't sufficient for the things we went through in 2021...it took some skills to book Holiday Market when we got back inside and we barely managed. Now we seem not to have anyone on staff who can do anything on the internet, so not only did we spend another ten grand from our savings, we had to supplement it by hiring the designer at an hourly wage to keep working. I'm sure he is a good person and he's been helpful to me, but the way we spend money is terrifying. Paying a few people by stripping out promotions for all of us is painful. A few people getting top wages and benefits while most of us are below poverty level has a lot of us really scared for basic survival. If sales drop significantly at HM, there are members who may not make it through the winter. The idea that they will get sales from the artisan directory is ludicrous. Hardly anyone is even putting up their profile details, because you can't do it from a phone and few people still have other devices like laptops. Helping each one of hundreds of members individually is not something we can afford at all.

Stripping out the savings of decades for short term goals is not financially sound practice and again, we are going to pay for failing to hire professionals in our staff. I know people are afraid to speak up about it and no one is stepping up to do the hard task of addressing it, but it may solve itself by bankruptcy at some point. I didn't enjoy having a nightmare about it, and I enjoy the constant reality of it even less.

For myself, setting the boundaries of not being in a position of service and responsibility for it has been life-affirming, but my level of caring has not diminished so it's pretty much a new set of problems. How do I fix what I can see but not work on? How do I have faith in people who dislike me for having different opinions and probably the highest level of historical knowledge of any of our community? I offered the Board the 2019 archives but haven't heard from anyone who looked at them, so just offering the history didn't work. I know my writing is seen as a threat and therefore my concerns and possible solutions are dismissed, as they were before I resigned.

One person did ask me a specific question, regarding the role of Standards Committee historically and in relation to the role of Food Court Committee. It's pretty complex really, and changed over time in complicated ways, but the overall answer is the culture of consensus-seeking and setting aside self-interest. Group process. We sat at that intentionally round table and worked out solutions for the most people possible, involving as many stakeholders as we could, and moved carefully and slowly when changes were made. It was clear that only the Board could make policy, and they made sure to get a lot of different viewpoints before taking any actions. That looked like resistance to change, but it was really careful shepherding of what we had built so we wouldn't lose any of our basic values or make any major mistakes we couldn't fix. 

If a jewelry issue came up, sometimes all the jewelers were asked to attend a meeting. Taste tests for new food booths were done in a full committee. Standards were changed only after months of discussion.  

But now it's all move fast and break things. I fear for us. More than at any time in our history we need to be the safe place for a lot of vulnerable people. Maybe we're going to end up with two blocks of the FSP and only one block of Saturday Market. Might not be the worst thing to have to recreate a people-centered market. It would be a lot cheaper, but that would not be a history I would want to document.    

With the Farmers

 It was so interesting selling with the farmers and talking with them about our relationship. First, I had another superb selling day, as many people from the community, people here for the Ducks game, and farmers themselves shopped my hats and tote bags. Many of them discovered me for the first time, and everyone was full of thoughtful compliments and appreciation. The absolutely stellar weather didn't hurt. (Except I never knew what a glare that building creates on a sunny day! Good thing I had a hat.)

Looking over at the Park Blocks, just across from where I have stood for thousands of market days, I saw it as a well-loved park and not as "my" home, broadening out my view. A person was set up on the East Block, with an array of things, and a flute he kept noodling on for attention or from boredom, not sure. He got little attention, though there were still booths in the FSP and the drum circle was in good form. A lot of people rested on the benches, strolled through, or played with their kids around the fountain (which was off.) Last week there was a flock of turkeys. A lot goes away when the market is closed.

 I spoke with many people who find it somewhat overwhelming to cruise the craft market after buying their weekly produce and breads, or walking to their cars with the bags that they need to stop carrying asap and then needing motivation to come back. Those who do shop there are either intentional, looking for specific things, or what might be called a craft shopper, people who just enjoy crafts and seeing what people have thought to make. Craft appreciators. But probably the majority come across the street to visit their friends.

It makes me realize that to be successful on any given Saturday, we have to have more than one type of selling going on. A practical item like a tote bag or a hat on a sunny or rainy day works really well, which of course I already knew, but I learned more about some of the people who walk slowly and browse, and don't seem to be rushing off to other places. They enjoy the whole experience: the meandering paths we like about the southern blocks, the spontaneity of the day being different every week, the ever-amazing enticement of what we all imagine and create. They find that type of thing at the farmers' market as well, so when we are blended like we were the last two weeks, they are quite happy and it helps with their disappointment that the "fun stuff" is gone. There were no buskers this week or last week! I guess the perception is that the crowds are too thin to make it pay. But they were needed.

So everything we provide, the prepared food, the seating, the entertainment, the variety, and the color and life, is what they want. All of it. They want to see their friends if they are local, have interesting conversations if they are not, and do all the things people find available at community gatherings like ours. They want to touch creative lives and connect with them, find the juiciness in life, and they like to spread it to their families and friends. Of course this awareness is not new, and I've been writing about it a long time, but since the two markets separated over the past decades, I felt that not enough of us had the multiple layers of relationships we get by actually supporting each other. I spend a  good amount of my income yesterday, buying plants, bread, meat, pears, many of the things I have searched out over the season as what I need and want across the street. And I know many of us do that, but I was surprised a little at how much support we are actually getting from the farmers. Someone wrote a lovely essay about crafters in their customer newsletter. We've been building on that support thanks to Sonia and maybe next year there will be more openness to cooperative selling opportunities, depending on the priorities of the new ED farmers are hoping to hire. I really hope people speak up for that to them as they get settled in. It may not seem as important as it is. I don't want our November markets to be cancelled. I personally don't want to sell in February or March, but it would certainly be mutually beneficial if the opportunity were open for those who do want to. Everyone benefits when all the types of selling are happening.

I heard one of their staffers say they started in 1919, which of course is false, but I can see why they repeat that, as it gives them legitimacy and a stronger legacy, but I hope I get another chance to share their archives with them someday. I think it would strengthen their legacy and our community if they acknowledge our shared roots. It was such an important part of what Lotte wanted to establish here. The previous farmers had moved inside a building and lost their market in 1959, so there was a solid 11-year gap where there was no farmers' market downtown. They began again within the Saturday Market in 1970, and there were a lot of ins and outs about that shared history, which I documented and lived within, and made my contributions to as well. So I want it to matter, real history, but I get why they don't prioritize it as the truth. They are hard-working individualized strivers like we are, and it's just not our habit to remind everyone how connected we are. 

But as in the greater effort to dismantle the white supremacist power structure in the US, people are stressing that individualism is a lie, and working for the common good, for justice and for each other is a much stronger and more real legacy of humanity everywhere. Showing up for each other, even when it is scary, fighting the separations. Time to let the lies go and do this life together, despite the messiness of it and the amount of discomfort it requires to restructure how you think about things. Many, many people in our community and everywhere are working on this together, and I have faith that the wheels are turning. But it's hard to wait, and to watch all the collateral damage as it is happening. And I know I won't live long enough to really see America change all that much. 

But we who are working on it can keep going in that direction and reaffirm our connections, so I am grateful and happy that I have that opportunity every Saturday. It matters that the market is there. It's better when both sides of the street are full.  

But it isn't about how many booths there are. It's simply about the people who put up those booths and stand in them. The soul of the market is us, the makers, the ones who show up to sell or buy, to stroll or just pass through. The community members are people who bring the meaning to all that we do. Poor Fred brought down his shaker for the second week in a row, searching in vain for the weekly parade, just wanting to say Happy Thanksgiving to as many people as he could. His people just weren't there, and nobody told him. 

It was so disappointing to see the Weekly centerfold of an empty HM map of numbers. Nothing about us, just an ad for a website bought with out hard-earned savings, that isn't even complete, and a list of the "fashion days" which are just a little diversion for people who like costumes. There was no soul in that very expensive ad the members paid for. It was an indulgence of ego for the narcissist and those she supports, and a show of the complete lack of professionalism in our current organization. It was a cold shoulder to all of us who built and maintained this market so it would be here in the present instead of in an archive. They didn't even proofread it after spending all that money. And this is the first appearance of our corporate sponsors, something I do not think the members got to vote on. 

Yeah, we need professional promotions. Yeah, we need professional management. And boy, do we need heart and soul. Stripping it out is going to hurt us for a long long time. I'm glad I still know where and how to find it.

Turns out the Park Blocks season was not over after all

 I had such a good day selling with the Farmers yesterday. Maybe because my usual space on the West block looks over at them, I shop there a lot, every week, and I have friendships over there, some going back decades. They're such solid and friendly people, those farmers and their employees. Growing food and plants for the community is a very righteous way to make a living. I admire them. I guess because Mom grew up on a Nebraska farm, and made our backyard into a tiny Delaware farm, I have always felt like I belonged with the farmers.  

Sure, their prices are high, but the fruit and veggies I get over there are just peak quality and so gratifying to eat. I try to just not look at food prices, as it is pretty much the only type of thing I consume, so I can afford to pay more for organic, healthier food and it has paid off in my life. I was quite able to stand there all day and be the last one to leave (too many conversations...) and enjoy the sunset on my way home. Farmers starts an hour earlier, at 9:00, so I had to leave here by 6:30 am and it was cold and foggy pretty much all day, but I was finished by 5:30 pm and made a ton of money. 

My sales were at the level of an excellent summer day. I had many customers who rarely come across the street, because once they get all their food they are weighted down and not that interested in browsing the craft booths, but also many brand new customers and plenty of returning ones. Lots of people did miss the craft market, the hot foods and the music and fun of the Saturday Market. It was a surprise to most that it was not there. I think it was a huge mistake, and I am glad I opted for the challenge of crossing the street. 

It's different in lots of ways. You are assigned a booth space, instead of getting to choose, and somehow I got the best one, in my opinion, and I think location matters more over there. People don't tend to wander around seeing everything except at the final hour when those groups of roving young people did show up to delightfully choose their hats. Despite the obvious need for bags I didn't sell that many. 

Cost wise, it was way cheaper. Instead of the $100 I would have paid, I paid $45, of which market got $20, so that's $80 bucks less for market. And I had no opportunity to donate to the Kareng Fund, so they lost out a little too (though of course I will make that up at HM.) However, I would have paid that $45 no matter what I sold, so if I hadn't done well it would have maybe been expensive. I don't think the booths on Park Street did that well, out of the main flow of shoppers. I might find that out next week if I get shuffled over there. I wish it were a more viable option to sell there every week but they just don't have enough room, and Tuesdays, while better than they used to be, are probably not going to be what I want. Maybe, though. 

It was such a relief to be free of the hostility I get from my market neighborhood now that I have been labeled and dismissed by a lot of people who were fine with me when I was being used. I didn't get to make any new products or work on my business for all the time the narcissist has been in power...but now I can, and I am much happier as well. I don't need those people who only liked me when I was useful to them...I'm still mad about it as it made me look back at all my years of service and wonder what life would have been like if I had prioritized myself instead of giving so much. It's the downside of being a dedicated volunteer...that you are also subject to being exploited if you are not careful about how your loyalties are assigned. It was always a pleasure to be on teams with people who had ethics and really cared about the common good, and I am happy to have experienced that. It's hard to let go of it, since I'm such a worker and have so many useful skills, but I'm getting more used to it as time goes by. 

Now that my body is letting me know that my productive days will come to an inevitable end, I'm working harder than ever to get things in better shape in every way. It's hard to accept limits but your body is something you can't dismiss. I've been having a blast cutting down trees and buying new perennials and shrubs so that my yard will require less maintenance. I got an elderberry and am planning some new areas where filberts had taken over. I collected all the neighborhood leaves as usual and will be spreading those around with my beloved hay fork that I got from Virgil Cortwright years ago. It's such a pleasure to use it. I keep it in the kitchen. He even told me the very tree it was from, a white oak in Daniel's OCF booth, the booth that was rumored to have an underground hideout for his friends to escape the sweep in. It's masterful and I doubt it would be easy to find another these days. 

 It's another golden day and those leaves are calling for me. I love spending Sundays outside and even though it is kind of cold, I'm going to keep at it. I plan to make grape arbors with the filbert poles I cut, and will never run out of projects, only time. 

Sunday Essays

 

I just remembered that once Holiday Market starts I lose my Sunday day off for a month...Mondays just don't land the same as a day off. But I hope I will still find time to write. I need it. There's always a vast amount to write about that goes in my journals but I don't have to compose within any kind of structure there so this is about the most useful way I keep my skills in practice these days. I haven't felt interested in writing fiction in a long time, and maybe won't renew that interest. I've always been more drawn to the various types of narrative nonfiction and I never have enough time to explore it. 

My latest obsession is taking out trees like filberts that have volunteered in my yard and are demanding my control...I'm sawing them down. It's not hard, and I use hand tools, but there are some stumps like the big holly I took down a couple years ago that do kind of need a chainsaw. Lower priority. Yesterday I bought an elderberry which is exciting, for this one space that used to be dominated by the holly. 

Taking out the filberts so I can maintain my yard independently is fun for me, planning ahead for when I can't do it all myself. I love yardwork. It is the way I process my emotions...the air beckons me, the birds have learned to accept my wanderings through their feeding grounds, and the squirrels jump around in an amusing way when I scare them. Even burying the smelly dead possum was fun for me.

Yesterday, the last market on the Park Blocks this season, was lovely. My neighbor and I warmly said our appreciations to each other and gave gifts...we got a little wet but that didn't matter a lot. I will have to unpack everything and dry it out again, but I have to repack to have a lighter load for the next two weeks selling with the farmers, so that's fine. I'm hoping for decent weather over there so I don't have to take the popup and weights. Guess we'll see about that. 

The wonderful chats I had with many of my friends were sadly offset by a couple of disturbing ones...one of my friends told me the exact same things about six times, so her cognitive loss is getting much worse. I will refresh my knowledge about how to speak to people in that position with the highest respect for what they are experiencing. I think there are several good tactics to handle it so they don't get more confused or isolated. She's beyond the stage of helpful conversations, and now just needs support. I feel for her so much. This is one of the terrifying things about aging that we try hard to deny and pretend about. 

Reconnected in  a delightful way with one of my buddies from the old days. I told him this vivid dream I had about him decades ago, that in his basement was a river, a deep, living one with rocks and moss and everything, and I was envious. In my dream language at the time I identified his house as his relationship, and I was still searching for that kind of a relationship at the time...so we got to talking about our lives in detail and his was astonishing. He writes, too, so I'm looking forward to reading some of that. He's smart, fearless and strong...just what I need in friends right now. So that made me happy and that kind of thing is emblematic of the slower days at the market...we have time to be ourselves outside of our sales personas and connect.

Sales were low for me. I don't think most of Eugene realized it was our last week, as everyone is so focused on HM. I personally vastly prefer the Park Blocks markets to the indoor ones. My income indoors has stalled at the same level for the past four years, and although my outdoor income is down, I think that is because of things like early football games, poor promotions and of course, our current mismanagement which is just killing our market. We're looking at another fee increase to cover her overspending and the high costs to carry out her selfish goals. Every fee increase loses members. We feel that as a message that we don't matter. 

We need more people in our membership to wake up and be willing to get involved, and even with that it will take some years to reconstruct the type of thriving success we had in 2019. We even did well in 2020 and 2021 due to community support, but the lack of skills in our management has squandered that in so many ways. There is no disagreeing with the power structure, without retaliation and closing of access. Every time I write an email to the Board members I get punished by restriction of my access, and this last time I got bullied for writing this blog, by someone who hasn't read it, and says she never will. My email was about letting them know I had finished up the 2019 archives and wanted them all to take a look. She was kind of brutal, and I wrote her privately that it was wildly inappropriate and deeply disturbing to bring up my writing this in the context of my archiving, which I take seriously in a professional way. I've been a writer all my life, and in here for 15 years, so it was way out of context but she has learned that I am someone who only complains and is negative, something that has been constructed out of nothing to take away my joy and voice in the market community. Trashing the reputation of anyone who complains is an activity of quite a few of the leaders, who take the information dished out as truth, as they are seemingly unable to apply critical thinking to what they are told by the management. When criticism happens to them, they punch down.

I've not had an easy adjustment to this false portrayal of who I am, but her letter was kind of illuminating because she and I were friends...I even printed for her for a couple of years to help her get her business started, and even though it didn't go perfectly, she wouldn't have had as much success without my help. And she has asked for archival info many times and I've always given her very useful info. But some unknown people have told her things about me that she has not bothered to verify herself, so I let her know that it's acceptable that she doesn't want to know me as I am, but I won't be interacting with her after that putdown. That's likely to be inconvenient for her.

I also blocked several people on Facebook even though that is a bit meaningless, just a gesture. I'm on the verge of leaving FB anyway. A lot of the bullying is done on there, by people who consider themselves leaders, and by the regular bullies, and I'm not up for any more bullying, period.

The narcissist violated my boundaries yesterday when I let another staff member know I was not speaking to the narcissist. I don't think the other staff person knew what to do with that, so she probably just reported it more or less as I said it. The narcissist came right over and said she only had one thing to say, that she has never had a problem with me, and was ready if I wanted to talk, or if I wanted another staff member to mediate, and had this very sad innocent victim face. I mean, when someone just said they won't be speaking to you, how is it you go right to them and speak? Super controlling. 

And this is from the person who just last week trolled me with her costume as the Wicked Witch with a Flying Monkey (I hope it was expensive) and was delighted when it caught my attention and overheard chortling about it. She was joined by another "leader" who went as "The Board Chair's Wife" and also went out of her way to make sure I noticed. Trolling the members is bullying the members and it's just one of the items on my now four page list of unprofessional behaviors. Trolling is not leadership. 

Trying to gatekeep my free speech, deny my free access to the market leaders, those are not healthy actions from a manager, and in fact they're appalling. I know her enablers don't see that side of her, nor the other members of her mean gang, and until her control tactics are turned on them, most members don't even believe it is possible. It has taken some people several years to believe me. So much easier to trash the messenger. Fortunately I'm not the only messenger and others are much more brave than me.

And I'm human. I try to limit the abuse that I don't have room in my now short life for, but it isn't going away any time soon so I am also not allowing my joy and satisfaction to be destroyed by it. The truth will come out...facts don't lie. Eventually the archives will show it all, which I suppose is why they are all so determined to make me give up my work on them. I've been told more than once that the archives belong in the office so all members can access them, but before I started organizing it, no one could access them. So I will not let these temporary leaders steal what belongs to history. They can lie, misrepresent and try to control, but I will continue to simply tell the truth as I see it and let the facts speak for themselves. If I could finish the project today I would, even though no one to my knowledge has accessed any of the archives but one person who also tried to bully me to turn them over. When I refused and told him not to write about me, he did anyway, in an insulting way, so that isn't going to engage my cooperation.

I could hand them over, but it would be a small tragedy for the organization and for the future, and for the city as well. When I finish them I will. It is not my desire to keep any of it from anyone, as I think the warts and mistakes should also speak for themselves as history. I think it is a crime to try to change history to enable control and domination. I actually don't trust that they are that safe in the office. (Visualize a photo of the Mar a Lago bathroom with stacks of office boxes.)

Watching market follow the macrocosm down the aisles of authoritarianism is frightening, but we also have our inflatable frogs and if the narcissist is the Wicked Witch, it is good to remember she was destroyed by a common bucket of water. I guess she thinks I am Dorothy, but I have to keep in mind that I am actually Glinda in this warped scenario. I'm in this shiny bubble of kindness and truth, but when people come out for me, I just fly away in it. You can't take my glitter. I am shiny in my natural state. 

And now I will rake leaves and get that day off. I hope all is well in your world, or if not, you find the means to make it so. In times of crisis, community is what saves us. We know how to do good. We know how to be kind. We know how to rise above. We are naturally shiny.

Rain It Did

Years ago, I was "Madder Than a Wet Hen"

 I had a good time yesterday at the market. There's something about the rainy days that makes them special: maybe the extra effort it takes makes it more purposeful. Let's get those property taxes taken care of! Customers also seem to have extra purpose, supporting us and being happy to find us down there.

Of course there were only maybe 40-50 booths, I think 15 on the west block. I enjoy the comraderie of us working together for our mutual benefit, making a market so we can make more. You don't get to your 50th season of selling without a few stormy days. I enjoyed breaking out the story of the day it rained 5 inches, in I think 1981, which was such a wet year it almost destroyed the market momentum completely. There were 9 of us huddled under an overhang, watching the rivers of water run down that parking lot to the center drains, wondering how we would even get packed up to leave. Howard must have been there, but I don't remember any Info booth, or other staff, and we didn't last long. With weather predictions like we have in this day and age, probably none of us would have showed up, but back then I didn't have a TV and rarely listened to the radio, so I'm sure I didn't know it would be like that. My little flimsy setup was not built for that, and all my crafts were made of paper. But it makes a good story, and I looked it up. It really was 5 inches, as I remember.

 The best story from yesterday was when I was chatting with Dave, coffee in hand, just outside his booth, which is one of the old wooden kind with a regular tarp. It is challenging to get those tight enough to shed water, so they puddle up and you have to have a regular dumping plan off the back where it won't get on anyone. He was apparently not sticking to his plan, because a gust of wind came up and his tarp dumped a bathtub full on the two of us. He was just in a cotton hoodie because work in a food booth keeps you warm, so he got thoroughly drenched. I, however, had on my rain pants and two jackets, the outer one being a hooded Carhartt that another member gave me because it was too small for him. I had not worn it before, as we had a really dry season, but wow is it worth whatever it cost. I was not one bit wet on the inside from that deluge. I would have had to go home dressed any other way. The funny part was how we all screamed and then laughed, and Dave was impressive in handling it. I had to rush back to my booth to make sure everything was still holding firm, which it was, but it's always fun when history is being written. Now we get to laugh again when we reminisce. 

The upside of rainy days is the sunbreaks when people rush out to buy things and sales were pretty good. Plus the "pie theory" kicks in that with fewer booths, the sales are spread more evenly and are generally higher than on a day when there are a lot more booths. It's hard to not have water damage and other problems, and I will have to go out to the shop and unpack all the tubs today, as everything will be damp. Mostly nothing got soaked, except a few things, and of course I have to dry out the popup and the sidewalls. And the weight bags. And I am not anxious to go outside of the house today although the yard is trashed and I would have fun.

I bought new boots last week and those were also a resounding success. It was the first day in years that my poor little right foot did not hurt at the end. I got bigger men's boots so that my toes had room and I could put some extra padding in there, and they were wonderful. I could even stand most of the day, which I prefer to sitting. I did not walk around as much as usual, but I really think the boots are going to be a game changer, much more so than the Hokas which everyone praises so much. 

I had a nerve conduction test this week, and I biked all the way to Springfield for it, which was mild torture except for the wonderful bike ride. Weather was cooperative although the results of the test took some adjusting to. My plan is to keep a lid on the speculative anxiety and keep going through the process as if all the outcomes and procedures will be good ones with positive end results. Guess I'll see. Anyone who goes on a daunting medical journey knows how it is, a bit of a roller coaster some days, a resignation to the ravages of aging, and actual work to maintain some normalcy. I'm trying. It's going to cost, of course. Glad I've been saving.

I hope my roofer comes through soon. I think I'll go up in the attic and make sure I don't have leaks. The only upside of having a very old roof is that my property taxes went down...with the valuation of my structures. The neighbor next to me used to have the worst house on the block and now I think I've taken back the title, as she fixed all of the stuff on hers, even the stuff that didn't look like it needed fixing. Her plan is to get it all done at once, my plan is a never-ending list of things to manage one at a time. If you could call that a plan, which really,  it isn't.

Being able to hear the stage is another fun aspect of the rainy days, and the Kudana set and the Miller Brothers were keeping us dancing all day. They played that Redbone song, Come and Get Your Love, which is a favorite of mine. Moments of joy are a big part of my Saturdays, and dependable. 

However much fun it was, I sure hope we get better weather for the next three weeks. Next week is the last outdoor market on the southern blocks, but I will be selling with the farmers for the next two weeks, Nov. 8th and the 15th. I have friends over there, too, and am kind of excited about stocking up on the good meats and things for the winter. I don't look at food prices, mostly. I shop for quality and health and to keep those farmers alive for the strength of the community. We are so lucky to live here in the abundance and thoughtful practices of our local farmers and food producers. But do look for me and come out even though the Saturday Market side will be gone...and I'll be at the Holiday Market as usual, starting on the 22nd. I can not do a general strike, but I respect you if you don't buy things during that period. I've always respected Buy Nothing Day. We need that to counter all of the consumer nightmare we are living in. Sure is a good thing to have a place you can go and see people standing proudly with their creations, ready to tell you all the good stories about how they got to today and your conversation. People are good out there. I still have faith in us. 

And I am not the only one who loves possums! Sold two. I'm going to add more color to the frog, which I was hoping to sell as a one-color hat, but just doesn't have the punch it needs. Also I will work on the Hummingbird a bit, as it needs more impact. I'll bet I have some iridescent paint.

 

The Meadowlark design came from the drawings I did for Mom's book. That has plenty of punch. Should draw some little musical notes up by the beak. 

I hope I get more designs done for HM. I have a long list of ones I want to do. So many projects, so little time.

A Glorious Day

 Many of my fellow market members were selling for their last day of the season yesterday. For them it was a great finish, I hope. My sales were high. It is supposed to rain a whole lot in the week coming up so it does not seem like we will experience another day like that anytime soon. I'm still coming every week for the rest of my life if I am able, but I am cut from some old cloth I guess.

Hallowe'en isn't that fun at market, for me. I won't buy commercial candy and have tried a couple of alternatives, but it is candy that people want and they are disappointed by whatever I have tried so far, including quarters and healthier treats (which are too expensive to buy a lot of, unless it is something I want and need to eat, which would mean vegan cookies or something.) Costumes are hard when you bike and when it is cold and if it is rainy, there aren't too many good ways to dress unless you have a rainproof onesie large enough to wear a lot of layers beneath. I'm planning to attend, but probably won't play the game. 

As I said about the Elf Game, I have lost interest in it. We've been doing that promotion for more than 5 years now and it was intended to draw new attention to the first weekend and boost sales. It never did boost sales, though people like getting prizes and searching for the elves. But after a certain time without new energy, those things just get disappointing. Instead of the hand-colored ornaments we used to hand out, in their impressive creative entirety, (thanks to volunteers, mostly Mary Newell) we give out stickers. Yeah, people like stickers. And there are always new people interested in doing the elves, so it's still happening. But imagine if we had new promotions! 

Before the Elf Game, we had a promotion where artists decorated canvas tote bags and we gave those away after displaying and promoting them, and that was good for two years. I set aside my objections to giving away the exact products I was selling, but I was glad it was only two years. Free stuff is very popular but it doesn't pay the bills. Everytime farmers' corporate partners Kaiser Permanente and On Point give away hundreds of bags my bag sales crater, so that happened again yesterday. If I do sell at farmers on Nov. 8th and 15th, I won't bother to bring many bags.

The best moment yesterday was when I remembered to look across at the first maple tree that turns color every year on the Park Blocks, mid-block on the Oak Street perimeter of the East Block, and there it was at peak color! I was mostly facing the other way and could have missed it entirely. My focus has narrowed as I deal with this foot pain. I can only take limited forays so haven't walked all around the blocks in a long time. I suppose I could give in and take painkillers. All of the other days I can stop walking around if it hurts too much, but Saturday I just have to keep going and it is 7:00 am to 7:00 pm for me. I'm learning things about how to cope with these aging things. 

My ex-partner (we split in 1993) had a heart attack which was scary. I refrained from telling him things I know about heart issues and it was a small one with a "procedure" performed to fix it. It was weird to not find out for 2 weeks, but that's my fault for keeping a distance from him generally. I did notice he wasn't at the market but he came by yesterday though he was really cranky! He's scared, I know. Heart things and brain things are the hardest to process. 

Sadly, although probably most of my friends and acquaintances went to the march, only a handful came through the market, as the admin successfully gave our town the message that we don't really welcome free speech interfering with our commerce...so predictably they passed on supporting that, as they should. We are not the center of the universe as we like to think. Commerce is taking a back seat to this world-changing time of speaking out, and while we are not capitalists at the market, this admin has positioned itself to be about sales and not about being the community gathering space. There were barriers on the corners like are used to discourage the X-tians, and they didn't show (thank goodness) but it told the costumed legions they were also not welcome with their signs and opinions. Those people set themselves up across the street on the two north blocks and we just look peripheral and out of step with our community. 

I admit I am at the market to make money, but I am also there to hear about what is going on with the thousands of people I know and have interacted with in the last 50 years downtown. I am there to see the trees and the changes and eat the foods and admire the crafts and creations of so many cool people. I am there to be part of what I live within. The only thing about the protest that would have made me happier is if it came down Oak or 8th Street instead of circling a few blocks away where I couldn't see it (I could hear it.) If I were younger and had more options for income and wasn't fearful about my longterm survival, I might have taken the day off to march. I only get so many paydays though, so my priority has to be selling. So yeah, rainy market or not...I will be there.

I spent the week finishing up the 2019 archives and playing in the gardens. I prioritized the 2019 archives because the market was peaking, though we didn't know it. We were celebrating our 50th season as OCF was too and we had a real, professional manager who could do it all. She knew marketing, and trained the person who ended up doing it, she knew financials and kept us all going and adding to our savings, she got us a 5-year contract with the city, and we were successfully navigating the Park Blocks remodeling project which took a ton of energy. She focused right away (she was hired in 2017) on building up the volunteer sector and we had so many positive and hard-working volunteers in 2019. So many committees, so many task forces, so much member communication and getting things extra functional. She wasn't perfect, but it was obvious that she had what we needed and it was not a surprise that she jumped to a better-paying, more challenging job when the opportunity came by. 

Speculating what would have happened if we hadn't had the pandemic is hard but she handled things well through it and didn't leave until mid-2021, which hurt us but we were able to cruise for awhile until things really broke because we had what we thought was a management team but they were not doing those management tasks and were hiding that. We had gotten a moment of relaxation with a strong GM and many of us dedicated volunteers were trying to step back and replace ourselves, but it turns out we didn't have as many natural and strong leaders as we thought we did. I hope to get myself to work through archiving 2020 and 2021 rather soon (it's painful) so people who are interested can see why we are here and what we were doing before to keep us from getting here. 

We spent months onboarding that GM at the time, and she studied us carefully before she changed anything, and tried to be respectful, cautious and to keep everything working when she felt changes were needed. She did a temporary rebrand which turned out to be more or less permanent, with the 50th logo. Promotions and advertising were dynamic and are still being copied now which is resulting in our marketing doldrums as we have no expertise there right now. We look weak and tired instead of being able to build on what we did in 2019. 

We are perhaps in the weakest position we have been in for decades. We're heading into a second year of overspending and being in the red, and we only know that because we have a powerful volunteer looking at the financials. He's doing the GM job for free in that area, while on the outside it looks handled and the GM has excuses for everything that doesn't look so good. Not many people can look at the financials and track trends, though there are maybe 5 of us who do that. It's more than obvious what not hiring a professional manager is costing us.

Not supporting volunteers has cost us the functionality of nearly every committee. Standards has fallen apart and can't get enough people to screen new applicants, so filling Holiday Market is a dream that won't come true. People are deserting the market for other selling opportunities as their sales fall off and they are getting pressured with administrative errors, like lost and misappropriated payments, a lack of keeping up with the weekly attendance so spaces are not sold and customers are not directed to members they ask about. Numerous members have left or are fighting termination of their selling rights for asking questions, trying to give helpful feedback, or persisting in trying to do what they have always been welcome to do. Nearly everyone has a story. 

We are in a bad slump, and with a recession and what is happening globally to commerce, we are really challenged to respond. I worry about it most of the time. In the past I would already have done a few things perhaps in trying to move things in a better direction, as I did by creating the merch that brought market $2000 a year in donations (from me) for the years 2020-2024, which I have now shelved. I have always pitched in before, but I'm on the sidelines and don't expect to be listened to, so I'm not sure how to help. No one seems to remember or value my previous leadership, so like anyone would, I have gotten quiet. 

I handed off the 2019 archives to a Board member yesterday and I will ask them all to spend an hour of their time reviewing them, but I am not confident they will. They think we have new problems that aren't related to previous times but our problems are always the same ones. We are very hard to manage. We are strong and independent people who are used to doing things for ourselves and we are not always forthcoming about our frustrations. We just stop coming, stop participating, stop giving our energy away for free. We find better ways to get our needs met. 

I don't know how much more can crumble without solutions. Driving out the people who try to question and improve things is just the exact wrong thing to do. Tighter control will speed it up. Seeing everyone as an opponent and troublemaker is such a grievous misunderstanding of our members, who are a distinct and complex type of people who know how to be efficient and purposeful with their time. Many of us do have professional skills, but we're not bringing them. Stonewalling people is not a good way to get them to speak up. 

I hope people will hang in there and continue to search for truth and honesty and accountability. I know most people are doing their best, but that doesn't make them right. I'm not insisting I am right. However, I have read (and participated in) our history. Some things are clear as day. We can only thrive with real, skilled, professional management. Every time we have taken the easy way out and hired someone we liked or knew or settled for, we failed. Sometimes it was fast, sometimes easier, sometimes the person resigned when things became apparent. This one is going to be slow. What will be the tipping point? I wish we didn't have to find out the hard way. 

 

Nothing like a Saturday

So thankful for the Portland improv with the inflatables that puts the lie to all of the Noem posturing. You can't stay serious with all of those cartoon characters twerking on the news. We will see a lot of this next week with the No Kings protests. Ecologically, I hate those inflatables, but I guess some things can be set aside for a minute while we get our human and civil rights back on line. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right...

Meanwhile things continue to crumble in our microcosm, and we are seeing the real effects of some of the bad ideas from this admin. Cancelling the two November markets (Nov. 8th and Nov. 15th) means for food booths, who pay $271 for a 90-day county permit to sell outdoors, that they only have 3 weeks left to cover, and for at least two of them I am aware of, it does not pencil out to buy another permit at that cost level, so they will not be selling. Crafters are making the choice in public post after post to say it was their last day on the Park Blocks for the season yesterday. Many are already finished.

Because rain was predicted (though as usual it was much less rain than predicted) many booths were not occupied yesterday. Many. Sales were also low, and we had the X-tians, and the Game Day thing at UO with the 12:30 game. Although it hasn't frozen out any crops yet, the farmers are thinning and it's what we have called "the shoulder season," which means we're between peak tourism and peak Holiday buying. It is when we should be promoting things heavily and with great creativity to encourage people to treasure our outdoor community gathering before it is gone until spring. Sadly we have let the title go to farmers as we won't be gathering for two whole weeks, leaving our regulars out and not holding our own as the destination that is always surprising and entertaining. When we are there, we are those things, but when we are not, it's up to the northern blocks. 

Now many people have indeed taken to quitting market for the season earlier, and October probably doesn't pay the bills. I used to put up inspirational posts for why and how I navigate the rainy days and want us all to remember we have bills to pay, but now others must inspire...I don't put myself in a position of supporting the market publicly, except by my presence and the personal interactions I have there. Giving away the market logo bags I made is delightful and they're almost gone. Sad to see the end of those, but let this admin figure out promotions with the untrained and uneducated staff we have left. I'm not sacrificing myself on the altar of the market anymore. 

The Board apology that has run in the newsletter twice in a row now is embarrassing. Forcing the Board to lie for your benefit should be seen as an inexcusable action, but it is seemingly routine and involving lawyers isn't helping. Why would you want a staff that threatens your org with lawsuits? Or if your members are considering suing you as well, why would you let things continue as if this were usual? You have to really wonder at the people making these decisions, how they keep refusing to see this crisis and attribute it to the real causes. Increased member complaints? You don't trash the messengers who are trying to help you. It's not negativity to point out what's going wrong. 

The apology says there was no cause for the firing and boy howdy, that is a provable lie. It's probably carefully worded to hide the fact that financial mismanagement did happen, there was proof, but maybe it wasn't framed carefully enough at the moment of decision. It was a clusterfuck. Board members resigned and then tried to pretend they didn't, a couple of scapegoats were chosen who will likely see their memberships terminated for having opinions, and a fabrication was spun about the skills of the GM which is demonstrably false but people are now intimidated from bringing the truth. 

Domination and control tactics are effective. People tend to feel safe in a somewhat elevated controlled situation, if they can get up next to the predator and don't feel like prey. They have proven to have little regard for those who are chosen as prey or insist on continuing to have unpopular opinions. It is not okay in our community now to speak anything but praise...which translates to a condition where improvement is not actually sought. More control is...as it has seemingly brought safety. 

This is the narcissism I have been writing about. I still can't believe so many of our members have bought into this. They are stressed and confused and are being manipulated and lied to and don't see their way out. I can't help. I can bring facts and evidence, but I may be on that termination list for writing these essays, so I am cautious about what more I am willing to do. I will not sit in the Board room and be lied to. I will not be angered to the point of losing emotional control in the face of dishonesty and oppressive tactics. 

The type of community building and bringing members together that previous admins did is gone, and we are seeing loyalty and commitment go with it. People find them inconvenient (well, yeah...) and cut their losses instead of wanting to build back what we had. I am just in a holding pattern and trying to keep my own life together while I face the fact that I may not have my means of making a living still available to me as long as I need it to be. 

My products sell, and I am lucky that even on a slow day I can make a good amount of sales, so if I can be there, I will likely still thrive, but only if the public comes out and supports us. The pandemic support is over, and this recession and government collapse situation doesn't motivate people to support crafters or chefs, which is why we have always cultivated the community gathering space concept so hard. We want you to come down, regardless of whether or not you spend money, to keep open the vital center city space where we all can connect. But without constant nurturing that ends. Last No Kings the GM handed out flyers and told people to keep their signs down or not bring them into the market...if someone official said that to me, I would find it offensive enough to not return. They said to the media they thought the protests would hurt the market. They won't hurt as much as early football games do. 

Free speech is still necessary within the market. I suppose I will make a bigger sign this week about that. I think it is important for the market to still be there, even on such a big protest day, and I want to see the market included in the protest. You can't both support free speech and oppress it. I would never have dreamed that the market would suppress it, but here we are.

So even though I am only loud in this space which is not interactive, I will still keep it going here despite the threat of punishment for calling out mismanagement. We are well into a second year of overspending and deficits, using our savings to dubious purposes to cover the lack of skills in our admin staff. Members can't cover these debts...our costs have risen with the tariffs and increased municipal fees, our living situations are threatened, and most of our members are well below the poverty line and are now selecting whether or not they will attend based on whether or not they might make money, which is speculation based on higher fees and nonexistent promotions. Market is supposed to be our safety net, a way for us DIY folks to make honest livings based on our hard work. The direct connection from us to our appreciators is clean and simple. Our management is supposed to protect and enhance this, not exploit it for their own gain. 

Please let's address this effectively with honesty and research. We have so much to lose. While I am a lousy fighter and am not good at confrontation, I am a good researcher and I can put two and two together. We have to find accountability and make it stick. 

Showing your bra or your underpants to the X-tians is about all our members could think to do yesterday, actions which had no effect on what was happening. The loud bell ringing was kind of helpful, but my choice as usual was to present the market as unaffected, giving the lie to everything the X-tian men were saying. Giving them confrontation is what they want. Getting manipulated by them is forgivable, but pay attention to your body when you are manipulated like that. Remember that feeling. 

It took me a long time to identify that kind of dissonance and the strategies to lessen its effects on me. I will not engage with predators. Their power lies in how scared they can make me. I do not grant them that power. I will withdraw my support as I have done and do what I can to promote honesty, truth, and the courage to make hard decisions and find common values and actions we can get behind. 

Our members want financial accountability. We want to not be lied to. We want market to be the org we have been so proud of for so long, our lifetimes. A community that stands for connection, right livelihood, participation and meaningful commerce. Inclusive values. Fighting for justice. Being vulnerable but strong. Being on the streets in a dependable way so that everyone can be safe on the streets. Opportunity and support. Progressive ways to interact, ground-breaking ways to communicate and govern ourselves. The hippies are right, and the kids are alright too. 

We should be seeing a lot of inflatable frogs next week, twerking away. People on FB are invoking the famous Frog, who died just before the Repubs stole the last election. I think he would be proud of the inflatable brigades. He wasn't the only Frog, but he would have things to say, and even jokes about this situation we are in. Without the market, he might not have been the inspirational community icon he was...strolling the market every week gave him a home. Many will claim him, but he was us, willing to be funky enough to present authentically while still doing the meaningful work.

See you next Saturday. I will finish out the season in person. Hope you will too.