Post-post Trauma Patterns

I deeply apologize for deleting my post from Christmas morning. I still stand by everything I wrote, but it all had an explosive quality I regretted and for the 9 people who read it, was probably disturbing at minimum.

PTSD is no imaginary condition. Every single time between episodes I am sure I am over it, have processed it sufficiently, can control it. It is a deep brain pattern that I can not control but can sometimes manage. This last episode lasted a week, exacerbated by trying to sell at HM for four days straight. I did not manage it well. I'm still triggered and also have the aftermath, which is severe guilt and shame because that is how it works. It's chemicals in my brain. I feel stuck with it.

Blogging always includes a period of what I call a vulnerability hangover as telling the truth exacts a price and doing this indirect exposure in a semi-public way is fraught. I do usually second-guess my truth and try to modify it to protect people I've named and there were quite a few of them who mostly did not read it I hope. If they did this is not an excuse. I am deeply sorry I was so indirect.

I'll have to find a direct way to address the actions of these people if I can bear trying and can find a useful way that is not just me flailing into a void of people not listening, as that has been a big part of the problem. I know when I haven't listened well myself I sometimes believe that I just don't agree with the people speaking, but there is a lot more to listening that just doing it passively. It involves openness.

That effort of actually finding a way forward that honors what they are saying, requesting, or unloading and looks for solutions that will ease the pain is hard. That's why people mostly don't do it. It takes skills. You can't do it when you have already made up your mind that you are right and they are not.

Nothing needs to be final except death. There is always a way forward, an opportunity to make a better decision that doesn't result in loss for one party. The other party may not know that they have also lost. They've refused to grow, to learn and to attempt to make things better for the future. They've made a mistake.

Mistakes are forgivable but some of the actions I observed are not, so I will have to sit with that for a long enough time to get there. Seems like it will take a really long time. Might be a lot of avoidance involved. 

I prefer to feel strong. I guess the passion at least has that redeeming quality, that I feel the strength of action. Maybe I will be able to come up with something that is strong and doesn't trigger my damaged areas. Of course I don't even want to think about it, so it might take awhile. At least HM is over and it's Jell-O Art season. Exploring creativity will help.

Be well. Thank you for considering forgiveness and having empathy.