Patience

That old homily about Patience being a Virtue is misleading I think. It's a skill. I'm still working on it, noticing today how directly related the lack of skill in patience is to obsession, second-guessing oneself, and other irrational responses to distress. Obviously for me and my circle, waiting for all this political shit to settle out has been excrutiating, particularly as we watch the progress of our lives being so quickly dismantled in such destructive ways. It's more than daunting to even stay informed.

Week before last at Market loading out was finishing up and someone roared down 8th in a big frustration about traffic, I guess, though who knows what the real story was. Another member who sells big items was slowly loading his massive trailer from his booth on the east block...carrying each item across the street on the green light, loading in the careful sequence that we all have to learn to fit everything efficiently on our trailers or in our cars. I've seen him park in lots of places that are generally not too convenient for him, because all those people with cars have to work together in another and less controllable kind of sequence. I don't really know him but he looked at me and I looked at him and we both started to say "Patience is a Virtue" but neither of us finished the phrase. We both were exhibiting our patience, and it was a warm moment of recognition.

I thought about it all the way home as I do, biking home from Market tired but satisfied, writing blog posts in my mind. All of us do a lot of waiting, and have developed plenty of strategies to keep calm and fill in the gaps while we do so. As a creative writer, one of my worst habits is making up stories about the non-response.

Electronic communications have set the expectation of rapid response but as people grow to avoid the stress of that, some go to impulsivity but many just shut down and let the messages drift down in the inbox to obscurity. It's way easier to put off responding until it may not be necessary than to commit in writing to something we may not actually do or want to do. It bugs me to be on the receiving end of the non-response but I have encouraged myself to learn to use it. Impulsivity is not as functional a response to distress as patience. Setting the dilemma aside can clarify it. I try to journal about it so I can lay out my rational arguments in sequence and allow my feelings while also trying to craft a clear communication about them.

Then I try to respond to the situations in what I think is a rational and calm way, but of course in emails or texts (with someone like me who refuses to use emojis) often rationality sounds like coldness and then I second-guess myself. I have to reread the messages and look for ways they might be misinterpreted, while I resist making up stories about what the other person or persons are thinking and doing but not telling me about.

Naturally this is a huge problem if I act on those stories. It's good to be old enough to have made that mistake enough times to see the patterns. It's usually something emotional at the core, something primitive like "You don't love me" or "I'm so damaged I can't communicate no matter what," or even simpler things like "I can never get my way" or "That person is just impossible." Patterns can easily be seen and pointed out by someone not involved, which is where empathy can be so useful...the listener could say "It sounds like you feel confused about that," or some other response that helps get down into the base distress that is causing the adaptive behaviors. I am aware of most of my patterns but I would not say I am aware of all of them. Things are subtle deep in that subconscious.

Skilled manipulators use confusion and distress to push people into their traumatic reaction zones but mostly distressed people just cause their own situations to get worse by imagining negative scenarios. That's what I've been fighting for the last few days (maybe months, actually) as I have some big, not controllable situations happening in my life that I am responsible for navigating.

I've been trying to use reminders like "What is the best that could happen?" and "What's the most important goal that you really must take a stand on?" and then remembering that I am not in control of the situations, just my reactions. Just my patterns.

So how about if I don't flare up, don't get discouraged, and don't second-guess myself. How about if I continue to wait for things to become clear, especially if there is indeed time to do that? How about if I apply the non-response technique to myself, as well as to the situation? How about if I have some faith in myself and other people (but oh no, that brings up religion...)

Other people can be so helpful in this process, but I usually employ silence as my helper. I listen to my internal dialogues and try to assure myself of things. I say what someone else would say, such as "You don't know that for sure yet," "There isn't really any proof of that." Or I ask more questions, or I just use gardening or work or writing to get me through the anxiety to a calmer place while I wait.

That damn Mueller report situation was like that, and it did deliver satisfaction but will still need tons of patience applied. I've been reminding myself of other times when it was (almost) this bad, coincidentally other Republican criminal administrations and corrupt regimes in my own lifetime, as well as historically. Learning about the racist regimes of the past, the geopolitics we know about, the times we've been barraged by forms of deceit that didn't fool us, and remembering my past responses has helped this time too. All of this stuff is a continuum, it's always been happening, and my little thoughts and actions, while significant in my sphere, are only a tiny part of that big reality. My job is to keep learning and keep holding on to what I know is right and true.

I used to make a lot of political t-shirts and I stopped doing that, for one reason because it dominated my retail day. All of my conversations became about reassuring other scared people that we would prevail, that things would get better, and checking in with each other about brutal truths served a good social purpose, but was way too hard for me to do every week. As it is, my products touch on environmental issues and of course politics still comes up, but images of birds and plants are much easier to exchange. I still engage in many social conversations but one reason people come to Market is to enjoy their community so I don't want to be the center of all things dysfunctional in our world all day.

I feel guilty about that though. I still have good ideas and a soapbox with the power of dissemination but instead I am putting the things up on social media, which I can turn off and walk away from so I'm not as captive. I've been posting "Get Him Out" on a lot of threads. It would make a good hat. I might just make a few radical hats while I sit in this obsessive distress. Really it's environmental issues that need my help though. I kind of fall into a rabbit hole there.

I'm selling products. They are manufactured, whether by someone in a foreign country using plastic or by someone in Springfield using cotton canvas. Cotton uses a lot of water and I haven't gone organic on those bags yet. I would jump to organic hemp and will continue to try to get there. I would use locally made hats too if it didn't mean big changes when I need stability. Woulda coulda shoulda.

The convergence of Earth Day, spring itself, my 69th birthday, Mother's Day, and Founder's Day is overwhelming me. The amount of things I am negotiating right now is way too much. It's making me shut down and hardly do anything. I haven't been able to work on the archives much at all for a month now. Mom's book is getting really close to completion. I'm trying to draw several important designs that I need to do right now. I'm trying hard not to freak out.

So I sit and write this. One by one these things will resolve. Patience will help some of them, or I can go back and try a different type of communication on the ones that might need that. I can go out in the garden and see if I can find out where those bumblebees are nesting. I can finish The Overstory so maybe I won't have to re-reserve it at the library. It's pretty good but I'm still deep in the distress parts of it. Most novelists know to end with some hope and joy so I'm counting on Richard Powers to do his part. At least I get to sit on the deck and read a bit so I am enjoying the good weather and feeling productive. It's a writer's job to read too, to keep building those skills. I'm going to need them. I'll get back into the archives with new inspiration. Founder's Day will help.

See you tomorrow for a non-rainy Market! Yay! Full on spring!