Moving, if not forward, along

I'm teetering on a precipice, tightrope, rollercoaster, getting ensnared in emotions like so many people I know. It makes me want to shut down and hide. I took off my safety pin: am I really of any help to an oppressed person? The uncertainty about my own strength is how this is hitting me. I will take the one piece I learned from how to help a person in an oppressive situation...try to engage with that person more or less normally. I might be able to go stand next to them, even if I am afraid to speak. I might be able to stand silently to a bully...maybe.

Psychological warfare scares me just as much as the physical kind. What our world went through in the last year was devastating. On one hand it feels like nothing new, but on the other it feels like the worst time ever to try to be a thinking person. Confusion is my problem, and the internet rarely helps with that. I sort through the responses of my friends and family and try to define the irrational responses, try not to fuel them, echo them, or even try to counter them as I am not sure I know anything helpful either.

I know I come from some level of privilege and remain there, despite my vulnerability as an old lady, but I see this as a liability and a block to my understanding. Yet I don't want to undermine myself by giving away what I have worked for, my safety and my small comforts...I have lost the balance of knowing when my contributions were matching what I have gained. I see the fathomless need to give but also see myself and others hanging on more tightly to whatever makes us feel somewhat secure...and for me that is my savings, which are meagre but do exist. I have to block my fears of what will happen if our social safety nets disappear.

I'm hypervigilant and wary of self-sabotage, unsure of any of my convictions. My view of what happened went all the way to extreme conspiracy theory and back, several times. I see how the hate speech will result in some of us doing the work of the nazis and imposing the anti-world on ourselves and each other. That's something to fight...I can pledge to not act out of base motives and try to keep my morals intact. My actions, though dampened, can carefully help protect and reconstruct the world I value. I can proceed slowly and not buy into urgency that throws me off center.

I can work to not second-guess myself. I can take the space I need to work slowly and carefully and not give in to panic. I can reassure myself without taking on the responsibility of reassuring all of you. I feel like I can't carry others right now, so I will work to not give in to asking others to carry me. I don't feel inspired or inspiring.

I will focus on work and hope for the best. People keep telling me what to do...shirts I should make, things I should think or do. I'm not doing any of it. People don't really want printed t-shirts in times like these...no one wants to be a target. I've been through this before. Sure, sometimes you get a hit and it's fun for awhile, but anything powerful has a downside as far as t-shirt production goes, for me. I don't really want to talk politics, and have walked away from several conversations when they got heated. I am not the person who wants to debate you or even commiserate with you. I'm being self-protective.

I know my challenges are challenges of privilege, emotional fights instead of physical ones. I am not likely to be the target of violence, since I'm invisible as an old white woman...but the expectations are high of me. I remember when back in my twenties I met David Hilliard and he expected me to become a leader of a student movement on my campus...ah, not me. I quit the movement rather than get a gas mask (and had extenuating circumstances in my personal life that supported my retreat) and I'm not going to be on any front lines now. I support your right to be there. I claim my right to be the flawed person I am.

I probably won't write here very much in the next few weeks. My workload is large, with the extra retail a drain and a time-consumer. I am not feeling the love and affection I like to feel for my work and my community...that will likely come back once we get together, but maybe not. Anyway I doubt I'll find it helpful to crow about it.

Seems to me the toll of what we will have to pay for the torture campaign against American culture is more subtle and a much higher cost than I have ever paid in my life...so yes, there is a deep terror as I watch it play out. I'll need all the antidotes I can find. Writing is a reliable one...but not putting things out in the blogoverse. Back into my research about the pioneers and other local history...and civil rights is a big part of that, so maybe my insight will increase.

I'm guessing things will simmer down and there will be some fun to be had at the Holiday Market and perhaps the holidays in general. I hope I can find lots of butter-free treats so I don't suffer too much from my dairy allergy. It won't help to be sick or deprived of comfort foods, as staying healthy is the prime directive.

Let's all stay as healthy as we can. Think about your words and actions and be careful, be bold if you can and be forgiving if you can't. I will try to bolster my feelings of safety and keep my house warm and reconnect with my good heart. I can admit I have a shriveled black part of my heart that needs healing and compassion...I'm a human too. Maybe I need a kitten. Maybe that is the best use of my internet coverage: kittens and hedgehogs and bats. I have a pair of Stellar's Jays on the suet...when they are not being chased off by a rabid pack of Starlings. Let's march together to the Solstice. It won't be long before the light returns.