Survived the Three Day

It might sound wimpy but three days of retail in a row are hard on us. It's a lot of smiling. There is also a lot of down time that still requires alertness. Waiting for customers, we get tempted into the aisles where we collect and trade gripes and successes. We dance and joke and prank each other constantly throughout the weekends, and once in a while (that's an understatement) someone loses perspective.

I do, anyway. I forget to keep the big picture in mind and get obsessed by some detail. A few of us spent a few hours being maddened again by the OCF fee increase. We plotted but of course don't really feel like we can do anything about it. It's aggravating to not feel a part of an organization like that. We need to work on it. I feel the most effective course is to continue to articulate our positions and continue trying to find the us and be part of it. We need to listen to our excuses and prod ourselves to be persistent for change. It's a big complicated group of people but each individual is approachable, and I truly believe each one has good intentions for the whole. People are much less selfish than we are inclined to believe.

Remembering that each individual can be addressed in person and thoughtfully is one of my goals. Whenever I see everyone as a group that can be categorized I make mistakes. There is almost never total agreement at a meeting or on a policy. That's one reason that in Market business we make a lot of exceptions to policy, that we emphasize what we do in practice rather than stick resolutely to our rules. The rules are guidelines to refer to when we are not sure what to do. It should always be more important to look at the individual, ask questions to find out why they do what they do, and try to find ways to accommodate the individual.

Sometimes they actually have a disability we don't know about, or a perfectly good reason for their actions or words that we have failed to hear or fully understand. We almost always need more information to make good decisions. That is why we try hard to do our business in the meetings, in the larger groups, with the principals in attendance, or at least with their communication in place. We have a lot of divergent thinkers in our groups, so we need to get together, share our viewpoints, and discuss things to make good solid decisions. We need to take the time to get the full information, and to tease out our assumptions and opinions from the actual facts.

I'm glad people think about things outside the meetings, and I hope they work on themselves to know when they are using drama or forgetting to examine their assumptions before they extend themselves with actions. I know for sure that I do not make good decisions when I am tired, distracted, and busy. I don't like to get all up in my passion and desire for justice and consistency and forget to think about where it all might lead. What is my goal? If it is just to vent my frustration or find control in my insecurity, I am glad when I kept things to myself while they resolved in my subconscious or wherever. Time helps, and it helps to step away from the problem.

We get really wrapped up in Holiday Market, and we don't even look outside our aisles sometimes. We get offended by things that we might not even notice outdoors or in the offseason. It all seems so big and essential.

I know most of us need every dollar we earn there. On top of the regular family stress and holiday busyness, we worry about how we will make it through the winter. We worry about people we are noticing more...are they sick? Do they have debt they can't manage? Are they drifting into irrationality? We maybe pay a little too much attention to each other in the routine of our comings and goings. I hear people saying "She doesn't like me" or complaining about something someone "always does." I hear intolerance and frustration. I hear the self-centeredness of forgetting I am a speck on a spot on a flea on a fly on a wart on a frog on a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea (to quote my favorite Dad song as a kid.)

It's not all about me! I have to tell myself that over and over. I may not be right. I may not be seeing what I think I see. Reality is slippery.

So keep that in mind, everyone, and give yourself a break. Give each other breaks. What may seem vitally important one moment may be laughable soon. Be patient. Be kind.

No one is in charge of our world. Each of us does our part. We do it together. We do it best together, in the same room, caring for each other.

We don't want to cause damage. Anger and intolerance cause damage. Acting rashly without thinking things through causes damage. At the last Board meeting, one potential new Board member went away shocked, I think, and we all went home with a small dent in our hearts from the anger expressed, as brief as it was. We want, above all, to be gentle and nurturing with each other so that we all can keep our fragile blossoms open.

It is seldom necessary in our world to take a hard line and be inflexible. Let's remember to take our time. We have our annual meeting this Sunday, and Beth is charged with summing it all up, this fractious and worrisome year, and putting it in perspective for us. Fortunately she has the skills to do that. We are still on the same journey, just pausing for a moment to look around.

It is an opportunity to celebrate, congratulate ourselves, and to see where we want to make adjustments. We each have our areas. I asked Beth to mention Tuesday Market, which is important to me. I'm guessing each participant brought something to her in that way, asking her to start or continue the process of refinement in a way that seems essential to them. She might not. There are a lot of areas in which we will have to work this coming year. We can only do so much if we want to do it well.

We want to do it well. It's not about us. We are here today but we will be gone on some coming tomorrow, and someone else will be in our space. I want Saturday Market to thrive for them. I want "us" to be here in fifty years, still in our niche, still essential to our members and our public. I want us to be careful.

And I really, really, really want us to be kind. This is the most gentle business network in the universe. That is important to me. We are all fragile, and any one of us could fall and knock over someone else. Being strong also requires being sensitive.

Let us not model any of the worst that we observe about the mainstream culture. Let us be ourselves and know what is best for us. Let us listen to our elders and our children and make wise, slow decisions that work for everyone. Let us put aside our passions and relax together.

We can do it. We can do it well. Just slow down and see everyone else gathered around. Be calm. Speak softly.

Get some sleep. Take a walk. Have some time off. Feel the love. Enjoy the abundance, and trust in the sufficiency. Everything is going to be all right.

And a special thanks to the musicians of Sunday, particularly Rob Tobias, for the thoughtful, uplifting energy that sustained and inspired us. I needed the Redemption Song.

I need you people. I'll be there for you, and I'll try to remember that you are there for me.

One More Time

We launched the Holiday Market, once again. As a veteran of every HM day way back to when it was one weekend where we made as much as we did in six weeks of the previous outdoor incarnations, all the two-week every day Dicken's Fairs, all those times when we hovered over our propane heaters wringing our hands in the snow and wind, kicking ourselves for our optimism, I can really see exactly what we have created.

The gathering indoors frees us up to enjoy ourselves so much. We go from our tightened, miserable days in the cold rain into the sparkly, warm interior, with all of its leisure and intimacy. This year I noticed the emotional release of the safety, the smoothness, the new mix of neighbors, the newbies, the lovely supportive customers who come to look at every little thing and delight with us in the blossoming of our amazing creativity. We worked hard. We had fun!

For me this is entirely due to our collective years of experiment and experience. Staff has the systems down. So many thousand decisions are made on the basis of the previous decades, knowing what doesn't work and what rewards, what stops the flow and what enhances it. The Holiday Market committee knows what to do when. Each year Beth and her management team refine procedures to embrace the new wrinkles like where the forks will be washed and what the farmers and Fairgrounds will do. Each set-up day we all lug our many loads in and arrange our many enticing wares and we gather in a big circle and eat three turkeys and lots of casseroles and get more and more comfortable in our giant, warm family.

Here on the first Monday after, I find myself full of joy, not tired and cranky. Sales could have been better, but now I see clearly that the first weekend is mostly the surveyors, people who want to see everything, don't want to miss those new vendors who only get in on the first weekend, those exceptional products that will sell quickly as the wonders that they are. We get the curious who have never been there. We get the Picadilly crowd who want hats for hunters (or blank ones) and are a bit afraid of some of us. Plenty of people took the opportunity to select from the best and take our "stuff" home. I no longer worry about not being successful there. That seems to be something we can now rely on, knock on wood just to be safe.

I used to get all conflicted about Buy Nothing Day. I'm not really a consumer, so I always wonder why I can trust so much in spreading out my consumables and having them convert to cash. I wouldn't afford some of my stuff, or that of my fellows. I might not even "see" it, in my lack of experience with the nuances of its creation and the trials that result in its display. Why do I feel so much more satisfied so early this year? What is different?

One thing is Facebook. Never before has it been so easy to share myself through photos of my work, and to visibly increase my network of friends (nevermind that lots of them are just Facebook friends, not necessarily the heart kind---sometimes they convert nicely). There is a sense of unlimited potential when friends of my brother in Australia can read my words and I can see that a post of mine can have hundreds of postviews. It's like having a personal ad agency, and a collective one with my people. We can promote each other with a click. There is always a new opportunity to do one more little thing to boost my presence in the world.

A second improvement is the strength of community we have gained this year through difficulty and adversity. From the tragedies of the winter through the struggles with our neighbors on the Park Blocks and all the way to my secretarial position which encourages me to make gestures of appreciation on the part of my organization to those who have experienced loss, I feel much more connected. I don't come and mount my 8x8 and go home alone. Every time I show up at the Park Blocks or the Fairgrounds I get a little tug in my heart from someone. I see people who have lost husbands or are struggling with medical crises or are riding the edge of functionality and I have been able to open my heart and listen and give. It adds to my joy to reach out, and to concentrate on the abundance of support instead of the scarcity. I see many "ordinary heroes" who give without question, who rise above pain and suffering to provide hope and sustenance. I enjoy offering help and playing with little kids and commiserating with anyone who asks for commiseration.

Occupy Eugene and the Movement has refreshed my hope for big change. I love it and it's brilliant, clunky process and have been energized by the terrible beauty of shining a light on what is wrong with the aim of finding what can be fixed. I see Jain and Vicki and those from my generation with our gentle wisdom, and Sam and Rob and Alley and many people I don't even know with their passion and emotional depth and innovative imagination and I see the real strength of thoughtful analysis and practiced listening skills. I see the way we continue to build on the foundation laid by changers from centuries ago, people who can't help themselves when they see wrong thinking. The fact that this evolution IS televised is the most wonderful aspect for me. I can watch the livestream of almost anywhere and see for myself what is true and what is the diabolical strategy of those who want to derail and destroy. It has never been so easy to find the truth before. I don't have to buy the marketing and the spin. I can do what I can without fear of hurting myself, which allows me to take each step of involvement at my own pace. I can see what others are doing and how they are doing it. I am inspired daily and my cynicism is at bay.

I have always wanted to do the t-shirt "Your cynicism will not protect you" but it's one of those that wouldn't sell, and would just puzzle people. I have enough products that don't sell. But now that I have my blog, I can throw these ideas out there into the tubes and I find that just as satisfying, maybe more satisfying, than making protest shirts. The current meme of putting the pepper-spraying cop into historical works of art is just cracking me up, and getting to see the brilliant cardboard signs from around the world reminds me that we are smart. People are brilliant, stellar, thoughtful and full of compassion. Just give us an opportunity to express ourselves, and stand back. On some levels, there is nothing wrong with this world, at all.

And the last thing that I see as different, which is a big subject which would lead to many blog posts and fascinate me, at least, is that I have Jell-O Art on my head when I walk through my world. All of a sudden I walk down the hall and people are staring at me in wonder. They stop me and ask about it. They are amazed with me at the magic of it. Every outfit I wear is enhanced by it. I used to dress up rather reluctantly for Holiday Market, but now it is effortless, and I understand a little more the good side of the attention women get for being attractive, which is something that usually disturbs me. Jell-O gives it just the right twist to taste delicious to me.

One of my dear friends came and looked at each piece and added several items to her art collection. She is a person who sized her life down to essentials and controlled her collections to only what she found meaningful and loveable, and to have her appreciation is gratifying. I love explaining it to people, even when they have that certain measure of disbelief and subtly back away. I feel so lucky to have something great to share, something no one has seen before, or seen too much of (yet.)

The silly, the inspirational, the intelligent, the emotional, the overwhelming, the stuff that cuts to the heart. It's all there, at the Holiday Market this year. As an organization, and in my personal efforts, we're in the refinement stage. It just gets more beautiful, more lubricated, more accessible, and more precious every moment. It's emphemeral, it's elusive, and it's priceless.

And we all get to share it. What a time to be alive.

So I'm thinking this will be the year when I don't get exhausted, or sick, or tired of everything. I won't hate all people on Christmas Eve when my memories collide with my disappointment and emptiness. I won't despair about my deprivation and forget to notice my sufficiency and abundance. What I have is enough. What I can see and touch is everything.

Whose world? Our world. Welcome to it. Please make it your own.

Tis the season

It's beginning to be the Holiday Season (we had a sax player in Santa hat playing carols on the corner, in the rain on Saturday) but for those of us who are getting ready for Holiday Market, it's the season of irrationality and stress.

We're over-extended, with lots of cash tied up in inventory, lots of piles of products to finish, lots of new ideas for display and arrangement nagging at us that we can't really do anything about until we get into the building at the Fairgrounds. Saturday was cold and wet, and miserable, though most of us sold a few things, had a few laughs, and made it through the day without too much damage.

Lots of us stayed home. My body wanted to stay home but my loyalty won out. If Market is going to sponsor an event for me, I'm going. There was always a hot bath and a rest and a Sunday at the end of my day (even an extra hour of it) so I felt I could make it. Also I wore three pairs of socks, four jackets, rain pants, and had dry socks just in case. I took no chances. Most of my products stayed in the realm of damp and didn't get actually wet.

Raven was back, so the neighborhood felt somewhat normal, and there were many nice marchers on the scene to appreciate us and help us feel a part of the movement, even though we had to yell from across the street. There were shoppers, there were people buying Christmas presents and people just discovering Saturday Market. Except for the wet and cold part it was a pretty good day. Next week will have that nostalgic feeling of the last Market of the year on the blocks, and I'll be there, no matter what the weather promises. I'm tough.

But being tough this time of year takes some new thinking patterns. I was going over my normal lists of reasons the Holiday season disappoints and distresses me, thinking of writing letters and blogs and all of the things I usually do to work out the angst, when I started reading a book about brain biology and realized that new thinking will help me.

My usual pattern of letting my family know about my distress is actually a way of making my problems their problems, and I'm guessing they already know all about mine and might just have a few of their own to deal with. So one thing I can do is not make my problems anyone else's problems. I can just decide what I am doing about showing love and appreciation this year, do those things, and let my distress lie in the past where it originates.

Maybe there is really no new distress in my story. I've done awfully well at identifying it and analyzing it for many years, so maybe this year I can push it back into the past. Can't change the past, but I can change the stories I tell myself about it. I know that works.

Money is just not important enough spiritually to let it be the driving force for everything. I can focus on having enough: what I have is enough. I'm doing well. I can be warm and safe and do the things that help me feel warmer and safer. I have lots of dry socks, and I can get my traditional new pair of fleece socks right at the HM and maybe a new hat. You can never have too many warm hats, and maybe it would help me feel warmer if I shared some of the old ones I don't wear with new people. I know lots of people sleeping outside who need more than one hat.

I can focus on what I do like about the Holidays, the foods, the traditions that I enjoy, the warmth of beeswax candles. I like singing carols. I can find more singing opportunities or even get that old piano book out and sit down at the keyboard and see if I can still play. I was looking through my books and found one in which I had written down all of the mandolin tunes I was learning way back in the early 70's, so I could tune up the mandolin and see if my fingers remember any of them. I could treat myself to a uke, which was my first instrument, and find ways to play it, maybe even with some of the plethora of local uke players.

I could work on my tendency to isolate, a little bit at a time. I could isolate less, I could exercise more. I could challenge myself to give a gift to myself, something meaningful, something I could spend the full array of emotions on: the longing, the wishfulness, the fear of not deserving, the fear of not being seen, the disappointment of not being understood, the feeling of emptiness that can come with watching other people give and receive. All the love I tell myself I don't get while ignoring what I do get.

I could easily turn off the TV more often and stop that insidious tendency to compare myself with others, especially others who only exist in advertisements so deviously crafted to ramp up our inadequacies and feelings of deprivation. It is sometimes not enough to intellectually understand this stuff. Sometimes we just have to take actions to counteract.

I've always loved Buy Nothing Day despite the very real conflicts I have with retailing on that day. I could do more to live my ideals, like find the very best sources for my goods, instead of the most convenient, and try to be more comfortable with the contradictions I set up for myself. I might be able to find items made in the USA that aren't dorky (the hats) and overly expensive (those family wage jobs are worth supporting.) I could do myself a big favor and not carry so much inventory.

I've taken steps down these roads, but I can step livelier and challenge myself a little more. I might find that instead of increasing the stress, it makes me feel better. I can practice more kindness and understanding for everyone, including myself.

I can look around and see what is happening, because we who isolate and work too hard tend to forget to do this. Just look around. There is a lot happening, and some of it is amazing.

There is a lot to be thankful for, like good frozen whole wheat pie crusts and friends who actually cook turkeys and put up with our habits of mind without complaint. There's that amazing Harvest Dinner we have on HM set-up day, where we gather to share ourselves in every way. There is the glory and gorgeousness that is the creativity in our locale. Holiday Market is just a little part of it.

There are all of those who love us as we are, support our growth, and hope for the best for us. Sure, the cynic is right that we all act in our own self-interest. But there is a lot more to that story.

Sometimes it is in our self-interest to act in ways that don't connect directly with our narrowest view, but rather see our self-interest in the thriving of everyone in our much broader view. It is in my self-interest that all beings be well. Do your part. Be kind to yourself this time of year, and let that flow outward and onward.