Must be Sunday

Gaming the system, I've done it. Not that long ago. It's always a temptation to those of us who tend to think divergently...rules are made to be broken, better to ask forgiveness than permission, etc. etc. Iconoclasts.

The essence is pretty much I know what I need, and I am compelled to get it. Generally I am able to rationalize it: no one is being hurt, I'm such a good and honest person, it really won't matter. You probably have a similar list of rationalizations and excuses when you go after something that gives you a little glimmer of uneasiness...stuff it.

I'm not saying I will never do it again, but I saw what it looked like from the outside yesterday and a beam of light smote me and showed me something I had been ignoring. It really does matter, not on the small scale, but on the bigger ones. On many levels.

As Beth said in her editorial a couple of weeks ago, when you step outside the rules for your own ease, you are really saying you think you are more important than the next person. I know most of us do think this about ourselves, at least on some levels, and our culture certainly tells us that if we don't get it for ourselves, we won't get enough, or what we need, or anything at all.

But in a community situation, giving is a much more effective technique for having all the needs met than taking is. Giving is just an all around better technique for getting one's own needs met, and can certainly be followed by receiving...but the giving comes first.

If I thought that I had fully learned this, I would say it took me all of these 61 years, but I'm thinking I haven't fully learned this at all. I'm still selfish and greedy way more of the time than I wish I were. It comes from a sense of deprivation that comes from all of the abundance and generosity of the world around me, the sense that somehow it is going to run out, that I won't get my share, and I especially won't get it unless I am at the front of the line.

I'm kind of talking about the booth allocation system at the Market. It's a system that is complex and worked out over decades with fairness and equality in mind. It's a tough system to "win", but it does reward persistence and hard work, and it functions just fine for the people in the back of the line too, if everyone plays fair.

When I gamed it, I was at the front of the line. I actually was trading down my booth space with someone else, because I was so focused on a particular space that was so perfect for me, it became my reason for success. If I got that space, I had a great day. If I could only be in that space, my life was in place, I would maximize my Market Day, I would rise to the top earning level, I would win the big prize in the sky. Control fantasies.

Only I did feel that glimmer of unease, and my rationalizations left out quite a few of the aspects of Market that I treasure, the high level of honor and honesty, the trust, the equality, the care with which the many systems were developed. I told myself it was okay, that no one was hurt by it, that there wasn't a rule against it, that it made the Market better because it made my experience better.

Big fail. When I remembered that little shortlived game yesterday I felt shame and regret. Even I, who thinks of myself as one of the most supportive, longlasting, and dedicated Market members, even I got selfish and thought only of my own needs and how I could get them filled. I thought if I did it quietly no one would even notice.

Surprise. Nothing I do at Market is unobserved. If I even pick my nose, someone sees it. Someone knows that one person in the Marketplace is unaware of the public expectation of good grooming. Some customer is grossed out and someones sales are lost or postponed. Someone has to pay.

Not only does it take a village, but we are about as small scale as it gets. If you wouldn't live in a small town because everyone knows your intimate details, well, wake up, you're in one. Not only do we gossip and judge, we also observe for our own improvement, for trends, for novelty, for entertainment, and to learn. We observe. We talk. We are in it together.

So here is my public apology for trying to win something I did not deserve, because my actions were selfish and thoughtless. I took from the Market without its permission. I'm sorry. I apologize to all of the hundreds of people who patiently waited their turns and did things the way they were asked to, without thinking of ways around the rules, or ways they could skip steps and get what they wanted with less effort.

I was wrong. I hope I never do that again. I will try hard to be more consistent with my values. I will try hard to do my part to stem the trends of selfishness and greed that so shock all of us on the national and world level. I will do my best to model right action, to be honorable in every way I can. I hope that in doing this I will inspire others, or at least not encourage others to be selfish. I see that I put more pressure on others to get theirs, since I was so diligently making sure I got mine.

I was joking with someone yesterday that if I tried to sell at Market when I was high on something, I would just give everything away. I think it goes against my natural tendencies to sell things, particularly to sell them for a top price, to take someone's money for something I enjoyed making and already got the value of by taking pride in my accomplishment and the process. The more I enjoyed the process, the less I enjoy putting a monetary value on it and taking someone's cash. I really am not motivated by money, except that I need it for other things, the bills, etc. I have to force myself to earn it, when really I would rather just have a big free pile and count the denominations of joy and delight. I would love to just continue to create things, immerse in their beauty and release them to the universe to live their own lives for others.

But I live in the material world and it is in the Marketplace where I compromise my wishes, allow people to reduce my joys to a monetary exchange for my benefit, and try hard to be grateful and pleased with their generosity and not ask for more than they can give, more than they are willing to grant me.

I extend that to all my fellow beings. I will not take what is yours, what I do not have a right to, what I have not earned. That is just basic.

I'm embarrassed that I need so many reminders to keep my internal two-year-old within bounds. I'm thoroughly grateful to my friend Pamela, who knows right action inside and out, and to Beth, for continually pointing out refinements to my approach, by example, by discussion, by sharing another perspective, and by their gentle encouragement.

We all need gentle encouragement, and the opportunity to redeem ourselves when we trip up.

Next step is forgiveness, and my challenge as always is to extend the forgiveness to myself. It's easier to forgive others. I think there is latent catholicism there, those old black sins on my soul that I put there because someone told me I was bad. No one even has to tell me, I've gotten good at beating myself down.

But I can be just as good at building myself up, if I'm observant, and keep asking myself the right questions. Keep watching for that glimmer of discontent, that internal checklist. Is this really right? Is it honest to the core? If not, can I step back a minute and see if there are any other options?

There usually are. Sometimes I can't have what I want. I generally do get what I need. I can probably relax and accept that when I really need help or a special dispensation, I am way more likely to get it if I have done the giving first, if there is some level on which I truly deserve the "points".

I've sat in on a lot of meetings in the past few years. I have a keen internal sense of what feels right and what is unfair. I can clearly see that what you don't think clearly about, what you drive to accomplish without being fair, will come back to bite you for years. A lifetime perhaps.

Just be honest. I remember when my son was in those fractious teenage years and we needed to start over to get a working relationship established. I could only think of one rule that I could insist on: that we both had to be totally honest with each other.

It was really hard. I had to stop hiding it when I had a beer. I had to tell him about the ins and outs of a cash economy and ways to do things in the big world that seemed contradictory to how everyone was doing it. I had to reveal a lot of things to myself that I had been conveniently glossing over to maintain my life.

It was also liberating, and it led both of us to common ground and a better way to relate to everyone in our lives. I thought of myself as an honest person before that, but it improved my consistency in subtle and lovely ways.

I'm certainly still on the path of trying to do it, not always succeeding. But it is definitely the right path, and you know it. We all know it. If it feels good...