I was wrong on the internet! Oh my.

I was wrong on the internet this week. I don't mind being wrong that much, but the amount of energy expended to correct me was surprising. That affected me. Am I really the sanctimonious asshole they seemed to think I am? Maybe...

When I was on the inside, with all of the information, such as the election results, I didn't know how it felt to not have that access. I have always been trusted in the past, so if I wanted to know something, I could expect an answer, and I also had access to the places to look for it. I'm sure because I knew the election results numbers, it didn't occur to me how it looked hidden to others. We did post them on the HM office wall, and I do believe we shared them widely in the earlier days, but at some point it became the culture to keep them quiet out of deference to those who didn't get many votes. This had something to do with the concept of equal members in its thought, but when I tried to think of any other elections when this is done, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to protect the feelings of people who put themselves up for election.

Just as it doesn't make sense to protect the feelings of people on the internet...or anyway it is not the practice. But I can't stop thinking about the concept of the flying monkeys in the narcissism realm...those people who carry out the wishes of the narcissist with or without their direction, but as a part of their defenses. It seems to me now that every time I speak up I am attacked by the flying monkeys who assume my bad intent whether or not I have any. 

I wasn't questioning the results or the process of the election, although in fact the negative campaigning was extremely questionable and to my mind, highly inappropriate and unethical. The fact that it worked makes it worse I think. The way the election was so strongly broadcast was not the usual practice, but getting more people to vote is not a bad thing in itself. I feel there were hidden motives of control and domination, but calling out hidden motives is the kind of assumption I don't want done to me, so I didn't do that publicly. Except it was assumed I had. So I was attacked for those assumptions, even though to my mind I had made a reasonable statement that I thought the members would appreciate more transparency, not saying "because now the trust relationship is gone."

It is for me, anyway. I'll repeat that this has been devastating to me after 50 years of a very comforting trust relationship. Being on the inside meant I did see some transgressions, and made some myself, but I always felt that good people were doing their best, and we have a majority of good people, who do seem to be doing their best.

But now we also have these attackers, and maybe we always have, but it seems so much more apparent when they are attacking me. I guess being as self-centered as the next person, it took making it personal to really make me see and feel it. I'm all for new experiences but this has not been at all fun. 

Thinking back, I have been attacked, but I was always just able to get past it by knowing those people were damaged and in pain and still, doing their best, even if it felt destructive. I'm just not sure that is really the case now. I was all set to extend compassion to this person but now she said as Secretary I was guilty of apparently many egregious failures, and maybe she knows what they were, as I sure don't. I know I sure was putting in lots of hours for free. I was always so supportive it embarrasses me now. Just thinking that my legacy of giving has been reduced to many egregious failures in one FB post, again, I feel devastated. Will my membership termination follow? For having different opinions? 

I want to rant, but that will likely make me feel worse. I will, however, have to spend the rest of the day reminding myself of all the ways I have not committed egregious failures. I feel stupid that someone that hasn't, to my memory, ever even spoken with me at market, can take me down that low in a few comments. To me, my worst failure has been the overly supportive roles I have played to keep the market alive and well at the expense of my own life. There's that half of my livingroom filled with the archives, too. Fuuuuccckkkk. 

For those of you new to reading this blog, I haven't shared it on Facebook since 2020 when one of my posts got algorithmed and it made me uncomfortable. Context is important with this writing, because it is personal and not really for wide broadcasting. I don't have to be right in here, just honest. I'm not going to allow personal attacks based on what people read in here (if I can even tell that's happening.) I don't really want a lot of discussion about my writing, either. This is a place where I share my thought process, where I reason through things, and it is my right and my process for understanding, so fuck right off if you don't like what you read.

That said, I welcome you as new readers, sent here by a friend sharing it on FB. It's not a huge amount of readers, so I'm not ready to shut things down, but I do feel like you need context to understand where I am in any individual post. So you might want to read back, as these go back a lot of years. Back to when I was in a trust relationship with market, and I was on the inside, as an officer, and I was doing my best like every volunteer is supposed to be doing.

I'm no saint. I make assumptions and am wrong, have strong convictions and hold grudges, which I try to work on over time. I feel like one of the people attacking me this week was someone with whom I actually have a lot in common, and they were just having different memories. Theirs turned out to be true and mine, well, rosy at best and false at worst. As Secretary I always tried to take the high road as hard as I knew how to, and I probably did come off as a sanctimonious asshole at times. I tend to use formal language in articulating things and that comes off cold and distant on the internet...I do remember writing her one letter delegated to me by the Chair, in response to a pressing member issue. Writing letters to mad members never worked out for me, no matter how much compassion I tried to extend. 

Not an excuse. I am a people pleaser (recovering) and I often deferred to others in making group decisions. I like to say I led from the middle. What the members wanted, I tried to do. I didn't want to fight, just tried to accommodate.

Probably some of what is happening with me now is I am trying to learn not to accommodate, and not to defer to bullying. When I turned 75 last month I gave myself the gift of banning bullies from my spheres...I just won't interact with them. It's not easy to do! Boundaries are not my natural inclination. I more naturally drop my defenses and try to remain vulnerable and with accessible emotions. That, of course, rarely works on the internet.

Anyway, be advised that I am speaking for myself now, not echoing any company line or part of any particular group or movement in microcosmic or macrocosmic politics. I'm trying to think for myself and do what I feel is the most ethical thing for me, as I have to live with my actions. So you may not like them. Feel free not to read this.

Rainy Saturday on the way! They are predicting as much as half an inch. I'm kind of looking forward to it, strangely. I like feeling strong. Yesterday I printed over 300 prints, fiddly thin bandanas and way too many of them. It hurt several body parts and for the first time in ages I took some ibuprofen. I need to do that more often I guess. Suffering doesn't help me think rationally.

See you tomorrow...suit up. 

Monday Morning in the Busiest of Seasons

 Waiting for the election results from Saturday, which was such a wild day! Yet another officer of pour Board indulged in negative campaigning, which is still so inappropriate to me. I know people are convinced they are right, but have they forgotten that everyone is generally convinced they are right? I guess it takes some maturity to admit that there might be more to a situation than you are told or perceive. 

In this case she did the ethical thing to recuse herself from her official duties, but they happened to be overseeing the election, so as members we were left without any officer overseeing such an important election. So for us to complain about the negative campaigning, character assassination of a fellow member, or any of the process, where do we go with those complaints?

The ballots said to vote for 6, not up to six, so at least one person was told they could submit a second ballot with a note on the envelope to throw out the first one. Not covered in the policy, sadly, and maybe no damage is done if the procedure is followed to the letter, with all memberships verified before the envelopes are opened and set aside. Because if they are already opened, there will be no way to find the person's first ballot, resulting in an illegal vote.

And, the GM was again going around collecting ballots from members, which is just not an okay practice. I saw this at the last election as well. That practice gives her the opportunity to destroy certain ballots she doesn't want counted. Not saying she would resort to that, but the appearance of impropriety amounts to impropriety when it comes to electing your own bosses. Staff is supposed to have no part in the elections but putting together the ballots, and providing the ballot box on Saturday. 

There have been improper election procedures ever since this GM was hired. Staff has gone ahead and set the dates, made and provided the ballots, and has never consulted beforehand with the Head Teller or Secretary, when I was in that position. One time they decided that the election would be held on two Saturdays instead of one. I had to dial them back several times in the beginning and even tell them the Secretary was in charge, which is clear in the policy and even in the bylaws. It shocked me every time that it was all taken so causally and this one is the worst yet.

I trust the Head Teller and the vote counters, and certainly hope they don't need an officer in the room to handle the count, but what if they do? Will the GM make those decisions for them about what ballots are valid and what ones aren't? Just because we have a good policy and procedure it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It's just another example of how important it is to back up our trust with impeccable procedures and responsible Board members and officers. 

I decided awhile ago to not be anxious about all that is happening, just to witness it and speak up about what I see, but we are a long way from a functional organization and it isn't the fault of members who ask hard questions. Trying to find a scapegoat in the membership is sad. 

We have a GM who is causing drama, dividing the membership, and forcing the board members to accommodate to her fears, lies and false narratives. Way too many people are buying into these false narratives. Ask any longterm member and you will find out we don't fight with each other normally. We all share the same goals, and we respect each other. To be such a divided membership we have had to be operated on by someone who has the goal of dividing us. She's not only doing it herself with targeted harassment, but using her other staff to harass and silence members who speak up in ways she feels the need to control.

I hope people wake up to this. We have to get out from under this management failure. The rammed-through fee increase will not address the practices of overspending and overstaffing us. Our staff is using what is supposed to be time for their operational duties to spend hours scolding members, drawing them into drama, and attempting to silence or discipline them. They are not supporting members, quite the opposite. One member at a time, people are figuring this out. 

More people need to figure this out. Ask some simple questions. Why are we fighting? Why are we allowing negative campaigning? Where is the competence and leadership we are paying for? Where is the drama really coming from?

Are we going to wait until we are really broke? Spending savings on the database and losing money on operations that should be profitable are scary. 

And by the way, it is another myth that Board service should only take a couple of hours a month. I spent such an embarrassing amount of time volunteering to cover tasks that were supposed to be done by staff that I wouldn't document it. I could go back in my journals, but it was probably forty to a hundred hours a month from mid-2021 to when I resigned in August 2024. Staff support was not only not there, but I had to prop them up. I was asked to "protect" the GM, a bizarre request. She is extremely good at getting other people to do her job. No wonder no one wants to volunteer for anything. Having ten people running for the Board and over a hundred people attending a Board meeting is not a sign of health. It's a crisis. 

I'm not expecting any quick changes either. I'm just trying to protect myself so that giving my life to the organization will not also mean letting it kill me. 

I have a lot of work to do! Saturday was extra exhausting with the constant wind, but I loved the protest crowds and all of the other groups, track people, graduation people, Father's Day people. Still, for some members, sales were not great. Big events sometimes translate to people not wanting to carry things or prioritizing their spending for food. The farmers weren't doing that well either. I had a normal day, but part of my success was the new bandanas. I took a whole extra grid to display them but it was too heavy and I need a better solution. I guess I will thin down my stock a little. Students will soon be gone anyway and I generally see a slump in sales until tourism picks up to bring new crowds, but of course we are not sure we will see as much tourism as usual. 

Okay, need to get out into the shop. Work hard, everyone! 

 

Elections and No Kings

 I'm enjoying making the protest bandanas. I don't really care if they sell to the protestors, but it's past time for me to make political items, as people have been asking me for them.

I got out screens from the Bush/Cheney era, when I did a ton of things, many in small editions that only a few people got, mostly as gifts. Selling political things is always hard, as you become a target for everyone's need for reassurance and talking about everything. It tends to dominate the day, so I have mostly not had a lot of them for the last while.

But action is needed right now so I am trying to convince myself to also bring my Jell-O piece tomorrow, maybe even wear it with the long tie, and put a sign on my back, maybe Impeach Me. Don't think it will enhance sales, but it would be fun, except for all the attention.

 I find so often now that people view me as someone irrational and dangerous, so I know gossip is being told about me that isn't true. That isn't at all who I am. I was told I was the most privileged person at market, as well, which doesn't even make sense to me. I think it's possible that people are viewing the point system as something that creates privilege in the longterm members, with the membership points. Of course that is a distorted view of both they system and privilege, as we all just still earn one point per day, and 1/5th of a point per year, and we earned them by coming every day. Me, a member for 50 years, has put in hundreds of selling days. I don't see how it adds up to privilege, but there are a lot of false narratives being put out there for people who want to believe them. 

This election  bothers me a lot, and I'll be glad when it is over. The amount of desperate politicking is drama from the top, with the narcissist and her enablers trying to make sure their power plays have results for their longevity in power. They will likely succeed, as I heard there are people going around recommending slates of candidates to people who are unsure of whom to believe. There's coded talk, too, and direct attacks as I wrote about last post. It shows weakness and fear.

I do have faith in our members to cut through the gaslighting and feel what feels right, but the false narrative that mean members hate staff and that kind of thing is harsh. People have legitimate issues with staff performance, training, competence, spending, and communication. Members are allowed to disagree with how things are being done. Attempts to squash disagreement just ring so hollow in the greater political atmosphere we are in.

Unfortunately, as we saw at OCF, power politics can be effective when people trust the people recommending a slate or what constitutes a party line, as we saw the M.A.G.I.C. group succeed in entrenching themselves and making a solid block with the ensuing effects of taking away people's idealism, enthusiasm and belief that they were a part of a cohesive membership. It divided the members and drove a lot of good people away from volunteering or participating, and continues to do so. 

It's happening now at our market, and it looks like it may have similar effects. I want to trust the members to recognize the tactics, but that's unlikely in the case of a lot of new members. Maybe some will catch on to things like the current situation of 5-hour Board meetings, emergency fee increases to cover overspending that has not been corrected, and ethically murky behaviors. Probably most of them are busy and not paying close attention to the internal workings...and it is not that easy to keep up.

I was accustomed to knowing about policy changes and getting paper and digital copies of them and am now realizing how hard it is to get those on the regular without being on the inside. I still get the Board packets, but the format is one that does not allow me to copy anything out, or use the link to the Policy and Procedures document, so I was not even aware there was an updated Elections policy document. I feel kind of stupid about that, but when I did try to get a copy, I had to ask for it. The P&P is not easily available, which also makes other things harder to access. I don't get the secrecy, although it goes along with the current trend for ultra-control and lack of communication that is comprehensive and freely given. I really feel uncomfortable with the gatekeeping that you have to know someone or go through the power structure to get information. Maybe with the new website we will get more? 

I sure hope so. I noticed that there are only a couple of years of minutes now as well as newsletters...I hope more archival info will be added back in when there is a more robust platform for it. Guess we'll find out. I suppose I could advocate for it, but the chilling reception I get when I speak up for anything has been really difficult to take. 

I've never experienced the membership being this divided into factions with so many people being in the out-crowd. Maybe this has been the case before but I was in the in-crowd. I hope it isn't the case, as I have always thought of our membership as being pretty united in our positive regard for our equal members. I do think the drama and division is coming from the top, so there is only one solution for that.

I'm sure that is why so much is riding on this election. Even if a lot of new people are elected, I don't see things changing quickly for the members. Guess we'll see. I have always been an optimist, so I will probably continue with that if I can. People are generally smarter than we think, certainly visible in the macrocosm. Tomorrow will be exciting I think, with all of the signs and passionate dissent. I hope it comes to the market. I had a hard week and want to have a fun day downtown. 

Ethics?

 I don't have time for a long post, but I want to remark on the Candidate Statement of the Board Chair, where he calls out, by name, one of the other candidates and blames her for some chaos that ensued this winter when Market was caught in some fairly serious policy and operations errors. The Board was embarrassed that they weren't prepared to handle them and didn't have a grasp of our bylaws, nonprofit law, or even our actual status as a mutual benefit corporation. They decided to blame the messenger.

When I was Secretary for fifteen years until last August, I made sure that every 6 months when new Board members were seated, that they got a rundown on the basics they would need to know in an orientation. It looked like this in outline form:

 I thought it was in use during the two or three orientations given by the previous Board Chair in my absence. She took over one when I was ill, instead of postponing a meeting of the whole Board when the Secretary could not attend, which is a bylaws violation, but it was overlooked as so many errors have been.

Without some ethical people in the power structure, members can never be sure if the law is being followed, or our internal policies and rules, or even the most basic ethical standards.

The previous Board chair did other actions that were not ethical, for which I have proof in writing, but which I am reluctant to make public (you can ask me for them.) I hate trashing volunteers, who rarely mean to do unethical things but may feel pushed to do them when the atmosphere becomes doing whatever means justify the desired ends.

The goal of terminating members has caused several cases of improper procedure, extreme distress for the members, and targeted, specific uses of unethical practices to make sure the goal of termination was met. Fortunately in both cases the terminations were not completed, as the Board reversed the decisions, but the chaos stated in the Chair's statement was about fighting the terminations' lack of proper process, lawful actions, and lack of Board support by the GM.

She doesn't even know what our status is, or is actively trying to change it. Trust for this power structure is gone, and we now see that the Board Chair is unethical, the previous Board Chair was unethical, and guess who was the Board Chair before that? Our current GM.

I won't even get into my list of strange things that have happened since we lost our GM in mid-2021. Yes, there has been some chaos, going back to then. Part of my role as an officer was to contain that, and I tried, at the expense of my personal life. I resigned last August as the only way I felt I could protect my own ethical standards and not be responsible for illegal or improper acts.

So they happened without me, but they still happened. I didn't want to blow things up as I had no solutions or the energy to implement them. I know what needs to be done. We need honest, ethical people in our power structure. We need to allow the strongly committed members of our organization to right this ship using the truth, actual study of our bylaws and job descriptions, and the acceptance of responsibility and service on the part of volunteers and paid staff.

Quite a few people are trying. When you use your vote, find out first who is working for truth and justice, and who has specific warped goals in mind. Stop the changes that keep happening to limit member strength and allow destructive behaviors and drama to dominate our organization.

And don't try to blame the whistleblowers and messengers. This is not about how charming someone can be, as there is a lot more at stake and a lot of false narratives to correct. 

We're in a serious crisis. Sure we had a good April and a good May, but the heat is coming and there will be other challenges. We need professional management and an end to drama.

That's all for now...I have work to do! 

Edit: And now the Vice Chair has also called out the same member in a letter to the Board and everyone who reads the Board Packet. I read over the bylaws and Code of Ethics, and this is a Code of Ethics violation. She wants the Board to make a policy to prohibit this whistleblower from participation. Exclusivity is also a violation of Ethics and the bylaws. This power structure is corrupt. I hope people are paying attention. The ends do not justify the means.