Some business is not funny

 I've been interested in my process of dealing with a pretty big disappointment. It's a business issue, so I'm not going to go into detail about it, just about my emotions around it. I know, just business, no emotions needed, or appropriate, by the business rules.

That's not reality, though, is it? Anyway, for me, it's about change and loss, and I've gone through waves. I haven't talked about it really...told three people but not in detail. Only a couple of people know the whole story and probably that won't come out. Again I am reflecting that justice doesn't really get an airing in most human situations. We kind of expect some kind of trial sometimes, or a judge who will rule on how the deal went down, but it isn't that way. Maybe the court of community opinion will make some rulings, but they will be based on whom the storyteller is. 

Our loyalties will be part of the story, and those are things we make up to fit our needs and our view of our actions. Some of it is romanticized. What prompted me to write was a video of Pre-Fair 2022 that brought up a lot of feelings. I didn't participate in 2022, in person, but I did perform most of the tasks and volunteer things I've done every year for awhile...a decade for most tasks, and forty-some years for some. Because a lot had continued for me, a lot of the emotions rode along, despite the many sore points from things that had transpired over the pandemic.

There's no judge, but I can easily project judgement and that's part of why I want a trial...to plead my case. But when I dig down into it, I don't know if I could win that case...some of my arguments are specious and some of my actions were glossed over by my romanticism. I get attached to meaning in actions, meaning that I invent to enrich the service. There are tons of layers of this in our community...we all reach to our organizations and our activities within them for lots of what makes our lives feel purposeful. Those things have been eroding...and I've been in denial about the parts I was holding onto. Erosion usually does result in a landslide, despite lengthy efforts to mitigate it and prop things up for one more go. Gravity is real.

I want to tell people how much I give, or gave. One year I did someone's work for them and gave them the money...it was a lot of money. They needed it, and it was the right thing to do. One year, two years really, I donated a shit-ton of design work and knocked myself out to create financial leverage with my efforts. I was a part of keeping all of the dreams alive during the pandemic. I spent a lot of time trying to lead in ways that supported expanding our views of the ways we support and use our organization and basically keeping things going while the world got sick and many people died. It helped keep terror at bay to know that our orgs would survive and were bigger than any of us. I did it all joyfully and while being inspired by some amazing and inspirational people, many of whom gave way more than I did.

I gave a room of my shop over to storing a giant pile of things for what turned out to be two solid years. I worked around it and kept it safe. I didn't send a storage bill. I actually did and am doing that storage for another organization, too...in a different way. That pile is going on a lot more years...four now, but again, it is by choice and at some point I will reclaim my space. Not a big deal, but I find myself trying to list all of the ways I gave, to balance the ways I failed.

I'm trying to stave off the final emotions of guilt and shame which I fear will be the lasting ones, which will leave a tarnished, sour veneer over my decades of participation. I made a couple of mistakes. As a recovering Catholic I always think I should have to pay for those things. Forgiving myself is a far greater challenge than forgiving other people for their transgressions. Isn't there a commandment about that? Too bad I have no belief in God to sooth me through this. There's no reward in heaven coming for any of this, though I do have some lasting part of me that wants to prevent me from taking any revenge or trying to pin blame, adding any sins to the mix. People all do what they think they have to, for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with my emotions. I don't even expect people to know about my emotions, much less support me over them. That work is mine to do.

In some of my volunteering, I put up with bullying and kept working. I always prioritized quality work and speedy delivery and overworked quite often to be dependable, and I am proud of that part of it...I know what excellence is when it comes to my work. Some of what motivated that was loyalty, though...not wanting to disappoint key people whom I admire, wanting to help make their overwork less, or anyway not on my account. I know a lot of people who prioritized the orgs over themselves and most of us are feeling the same type of deep disappointment at this point. We've lost something intangible and we don't expect to recover it. We're questioning our ability to continue to give. Some have decided, and walked away.

If there were a trial we would sit in the gallery and nod and grimace as the stories were related about the many unfair things that have happened. We'd gasp and pound our sticks on the floor when lies were told. Some of the lasting stories are going to be based on lies, and there's nothing to be done about that. I always believe that truth will come out, but not all of it will. 

There are ways to rationalize most everything and I've done a bit of that. I'd testify that yes, I knew the consequences but went out on a limb for the greater good...but of course that doesn't justify my mistakes. I had plans to fix those mistakes, but I was naive, and loyalty was one of the things I was counting on. Loyalty doesn't actually go very far in the business world. The value of it, though great, comes with some strings, like situational ethics, and it's ephemeral and held in the imagination. What I saw as loyalty can be twisted to seem self-serving or appear as collusion. Lots of people are out there twisting things. Who knows if we would get a fair judge in this trial who would see who was lying and who was telling the truth. We don't have one, though I do think a lot of people I know can see truth and falsehood fairly clearly. 

I do regret that I held back useful perspectives in ways that enlarged the eventual damage, because I felt like I had to. I spent many hours on my deck writing in my journal trying to figure out how much I should say and why, knowing I was being used and not knowing how to get out from under that. There were things I didn't know that would have influenced me and things I set aside that I shouldn't have, in retrospect, but I am just terrible at predicting the future and my imagined one was much more just and positive than the one that developed. I'm far too trusting and easy to manipulate, and it has taken me many months to add things up to find a different set of sums. I've uncovered some details that are kind of scary...but it doesn't help to bring them to light at this point. The deals are done.

During this week of observation I've thought about a couple of solutions just to see how they felt, and have come to realize that there is nothing to do but let go and move on. I want to try to rise to my best self and not throw blame and not feed any drama. It wouldn't help with the already-determined outcomes and it would make us all feel worse and lose more. I want to summon my graceful self and release the wish for a judge and jury to vindicate me. Maybe that's weak. I admire stories about people who fought despite being in a losing position and won...but this situation isn't quite that clear. And I don't have that kind of time and energy, or skills and resources.

I'm not going to be stubborn and see what I can salvage. I have plenty left without that one thing, which had a lot of value to me, but which I can easily replace with other, more valuable activities and options. Ultimately work is something people can take advantage of me for, and I sometimes feel that way about it, if I don't have a lot of control over it. I've grown used to having control of my work, and I feel better when I do. I have no shortage of ways to fill my time. I've been worrying about the end of my life...there are many things I must do and just as many things I'd like to do, and the shortage of time is much of the reason I don't get to them. So I can see this as the gift of my time back. 

I'm going to shed the emotions, and try hard not to land in the shame place. I can fight for myself that way...to imagine that if there were a judge, I would win the case. What I have given is more than any ways I have taken, or benefited. Feeling shame is one of the big ways my upbringing and subsequent braveries settled in, that does not serve me. That fight is worth fighting. No one can shame me without my consent. And it gives me power to take hold of my inner workings and work it all out.

I can take back more, and I might. It's inevitable that I will at some point, and though I will let some people down who have depended on me, maybe it's just someone else's turn to give. If my gifts are seen as tarnished, I can just take them off the table. Pearls before swine kinds of things...I don't want to do that out of my hurt though. So I'll wait until I am not so tender. 

I'll wait until I can hide my feelings and make it "just business." Because that is the way it works in the business world, not that it is somewhere nice to live. It's not, but you can depend on it if you are willing to accept the strength of power and lies and manipulation and cold clear injustice prevailing. 

I've got to land somewhere in there that doesn't hurt anyone else, and at some point, doesn't hurt me. It's just my turn.

It all gives a lot of depth to what I'm simultaneously trying to create...the funny bizness of Jell-O bizness. I like irony and emotional depth though. Channeling all of this into an art piece will feel SO DAMN GOOD!