Bullying caused the problems, and it has not gone away

 I have this one post that has over 5500 readers (or just hits) because it somehow went viral on FB. It was written in February 2020 which you will remember was just when the pandemic was beginning to be in the news a lot...so probably my title, Oh These Times, just makes people want to click when they see it. I mean, most of my posts get like 30 readers. If I post it on FB, sometimes a couple hundred. That was the only post that got even a thousand readers. It's a mystery of algorithms I guess.

It wasn't about the pandemic, which I was not aware of at the time. It was about me going to the OCF Board with a guideline change that tightened up the process of appointing a new Booth Rep for your privileged piece of the structure and mostly addressed the bullying that is regularly done by the power structure of the organization. It may not always be intentional, and I don't think it was meant to be by any Board members at that meeting, but that was also the beginning days of MAGIC and boy, did that turn out to be a bullying group, in my observation. Here's the link to the post https://divinetension.blogspot.com/2020/02/oh-these-times.html

 The particular meeting isn't all that significant at this point, or even the guideline change, because as we know the pandemic happened and we didn't occupy any booths in 2020, or 2021 either. And I stopped writing after someone who was bullying me excerpted that post and others to bully me with my words. I also stopped posting most of my links on FB, as I felt so vulnerable during the pandemic. It changed me to see how actually threatening we all are to each other. I pulled back in a lot of ways and don't think I've recovered much trust. The bullies just got more powerful and so much worse, despite the gifts we got of learning new ways to identify their tactics and band together to fight disinformation. There's been progress, but as far as movement at OCF, I would not say it has been progressive movement. We're still mostly in denial and obfuscation.

No one seems to be promoting an anti-bullying effort, except a whole bunch of people who are trying and then mostly drawing back as it continues. No one wants to be a target. No one feels like speaking their piece is actually limiting the power of the bullying group. The disinformation is churning out, all articulate and seemingly logical, and starting from way back with the early assumptions that are being held up as truth seems like a huge amount of emotional labor that few of the targeted are willing to continue to do. The bullies double down, as that is one thing they can be counted on to do. And they lie. And the fact that one or two of them comes from a place of deluded but well-meaning righteousness is not working to bring out any of the truth that has been long buried at this point. 

Multiple groups are working through the discussion process now and most of them are not getting anywhere. The whole existence of MAGIC has been to use strongarm tactics to force actions that are not progressive, not in the direction of more openness and transparency, just coming from a narrow agenda that lies underneath what's currently happening. It's white people wanting to be comfortable, and there's a toxic wrinkle of some people supporting a person I know as a criminal. 

Like many, I'm not really engaging. My views are perhaps known, and I have most definitely voted no on the removal action. I learned with my personal bully that engaging usually didn't help the situation. I saw them as having a PTSD reaction that they needed to navigate through when they sent angry messages, and felt that it was not my job or within my capabilities to help them with that. So I generally learned to disregard their words and messages and just operate as if they weren't in my life at all. 

Naturally my reactions made the problems worse, so my non-reactions did make the problem better, for me anyway, but the base issue of bullying within the membership has not been addressed at all. Some of us have just figured out who the main bullies are, and who are just their misled supporters. But they're very loud right now in their hope to ruin the career-long contributions of a Board member who is willing, as a white man, to make white people uncomfortable.

Hippies, while trying to free everyone, did come out of some of the liberation movements of the 60s but a lot of them stayed lost in the hippie delusions that wanting freedom was enough. The privileged among us got some freedom. For instance, back then there were lots of fixer-upper houses that could be bought for very little and many of us got them, fixed them up, and increased their value by factors of 10 and 20 times the investment. Lucky to have a Mom who advanced me the down payment I needed. Same for OCF spots. Back in the early 80s you could go carve a spot out of the brush and build a booth there. That added up to privilege. 

Lots of privilege comes from being in the right place at the right time, seizing some asset or position, and then holding onto it and increasing the value. Sure, hard work is applied, but being in that right place was key. That happened in the pandemic, too...people stepped into positions that opened up, and some people took advantage of the uncertainty and chaos of the pandemic to secure their "wealth." It was easy to rationalize and find excuses when we all felt like we could die from breathing. Still true, of course, but mostly not for the privileged. Or so they think anyway.

But hard things happen. My generation is dying off much more rapidly than it would have, and young people's apocalyptic future got immeasurably more horrific. I've said "I'm glad I'm old" way too many times. All this energy wasted on dividing people and domination games is just wrong. It's ruining what so many people have worked for all of their lives. Generations back, as well.

I don't have a good solution, either. Just figure it out, people. Think harder. Stop pushing so hard for your way, as the only right way. Chances are excellent that it is not the only right way.

Domination culture is white supremacy culture. We can't thrive under domination culture. Reduce it down. Winners mean losers. We're all losing so much on this course. 

Downtown Could Change, But How?

 Well, the attempt to regain my idealism didn't last long. I'm back to "We will never be able to make any progress" because so many are working against it. I feel naive about the training...even giving well-meaning white hippies tools does not mean things will come out level and plumb.

I'm sadly going to persist in chipping away at things, since I am not in the financial position that I can walk away from it yet. I'm nearing the end of my productive life but I am healthy and can expect to live for a couple more decades perhaps. I won't be able to sustain the amount of effort it takes to sell retail, at least not the way I'm currently doing it, but my social security doesn't even cover my utilities and property taxes, so I will need a lot of savings or a continued income stream. 

I suppose opportunities could develop for other sources of income besides screenprinting, and they will have to, but that isn't all that promising. Any product in another medium and technique set would require jurying and that might be hard. I know my current products would not score high and it's likely my vague plans to make silk scarves or paper or Jell-O items (all of those things are lightweight and much more portable) won't produce items that will sell as well as the ones I have now. But physics and that reality is going to come for me at some point. That's just inevitable.

That's one reason I have been so diligent about avoiding Covid. The things still being discovered about longterm damage and hidden damage in the body are compelling. My basic plan is not to have any accidents or develop any debilitating conditions. Pretty magical thinking.

I've been speculating a lot about the future of downtown with this latest push to move City Hall to the EWEB and it will be interesting to think about what opens up. The space they were going to use, at the north end of the farmers' block, would then be open and it's possibly a way toward getting the improvements on the southern block that we still need. If we had a bigger food circle space with an improved stage, we could fit in more flexible ways of selling food, such as carts and trucks that are more self-contained. It's the way things are going in the food industry and there aren't a lot of food businesses that can equip just an 8x8 or 10x8 plus fit in the people required to make a living in it. We do have some who have been able to do that, but it's a stretch and limits the number of food businesses we can attract. We also need the space for the intersection of entertainment and food, as we know that works well for us. 

The big stopgap of improving the blocks is what to do with us in the meantime. We saw with the farmers' pavilion that it takes longer and is more involved than slapping down some new concrete here and there. The design was throughly negotiated and is still useable for a few more years at least, and retains many of the things we value about how we are currently using the blocks. But the idea of moving to the Riverfront for a season or more leaves me cold...personally it would just be harder to get there, and I can't envision us in that space. There would be some stringing out along the pathways for sure, and would we really be able to draw our customers (and new ones) there? It's a big maybe.

But putting one block of booths at a time over on the northwest block, with some supplementation from Park Streets, seems doable to me. So half of us relocate for one season, while they do the east block, and the other half relocate the next year, while they do the west block. That seems workable, though not perfect. Other alternatives seem tougher...like using Broadway, which isn't really enough space for all of us, or that parking lot down the street which is bare of shade and doesn't have a durable enough surface to work for us. We'd still be in some compromised position behind the farmers, but not so much. 

Anyway I am planning to take a look at the space with that in mind and also cruise the Riverfront again and try to think positively about it. If the access from 5th St is adequately flat and navigable, it does solve the problem of biking under the bridge which prevents any access for me with my trailer. It's farther, but if it's flat I suppose I can go farther. I get anxious because I know I won't be biking to Market forever. But I'm going to do it as long as I can. It is physically easier than driving, believe it or not, because of the easier loading and unloading processes. I lift heavy things about half as much or less with the efficient way I've worked out. Lifting is going to be my main problem.

Today the City Council is discussing downtown priorities at noon so I'll be watching. I think I know what they will be, but it's always surprising in some way to watch the process of city government. I don't expect a direct mention of Saturday Market. We let them know we still need some improvements on the blocks, but those are not likely to make the top ten or so of projects the city wants to focus on. Those will be, I predict, safety and housing. We'll see soon though. If I get something to write about, I'll come back and put in a few more paragraphs.

Meanwhile, just mounting up my new year slowly. It's too cold to prune trees but I do have plenty to do indoors. Reading Cloud Cuckoo Land, which I like a lot, and watching Yellowstone (just season one so far) which may not hold my interest since it is so stereotypical and triggers memories of my silly adventure into the cowboy world back in the times before I landed here (mid-70s). I might write about it again someday, but it was short and awkward. I saw some real stuff though! 

Okay, going to watch the city meeting and finish all the tasks I started this morning. I thought I would print hats, but maybe some other day. 

I did watch the meeting and the Council, acting as the Urban Renewal Board, moved forward the plan to renew the funding for the Downtown Urban Renewal District. This just means instead of stopping collecting taxes into it for uses downtown, they will continue putting money in. They have to go through a lot of steps yet, but at some point there will be some millions of dollars available to spend on downtown projects. The top three priorities, as I expected, were Housing, Public Safety, and Social Services. That dropped commercial development off the list of top priorities, but they collected a lot of feedback and the Park Blocks rebuild is part of Public Safety, in that it is not as accessible for people experiencing disabilities as it should be. So there is some chance that at least some of the redesign might be brought back in a slow way over time. We'll know more as the process develops. 

It is interesting to read all of the many responses they collected in the public engagement process, which are repetitive and varied at the same time. There are a vast number of people who don't feel safe coming downtown and one thing Saturday Market can do is put some focus on presenting ourselves as safe in all the ways we know we are. We can also do our part to show up at other times to keep downtown populated with safe people doing regular things. It makes a difference. So next time you are downtown, maybe find a place to eat or shop or spend a bit of time to help create more safety by showing up. That's what's missing for a lot of people on days other than Saturday. 

You can find the presentation of the noon work session on the city website, along with the agenda which is 145 pages of data and comments, including a letter from me asking the city to keep some PB improvements on the table. There aren't many mentions of us there, specifically, though a lot of people are pleased with the Pavilion and want to see more things like it. A remodel of our space would please people too. I think we should take another look at it, as a long range plan, and open our minds to some solution for our main objection to it: we can't risk losing our livelihoods while it happens. There has to be an elegant solution for that.

Getting Myself Ready

Unattributed...I wish I could draw this well...

   I attended my first DEI training last night. In the interest in protecting safe space I won't identify the circumstances or participants, and I will try hard to just focus on the things about it that I need to process. I'm feeling like I can't do the work I planned for today until I download some of these emotions here...I already journaled for over an hour about it but this format challenges me to put it into more of an essay form, with things like hypotheses and conclusions and I generally get some personal discovery in the process too. Three of the last four posts I wrote ended up being titled "Finding..." something which I didn't do intentionally and is lazy but often the titles come last after I see where my writing took me. 

I was afraid to go...I listed my fears and most were silly...like that I would be kicked out, that I would have to declare that I am racist in the core, that I would say completely foolish things and prove to everyone I am a fool...but what happened was not anticipated and I am glad about that. I didn't want it to be an experience where I didn't move forward in some way. I didn't have a plan for that motion, just tried to go in and be brave. So I kept my camera on but told myself it would probably not be that many people. It was many more than I expected. 

I have complicated relationships with quite a few of them. We've worked together, I've served them in various ways, I've disagreed with them in various ways, and had confrontations with a small number of them in disagreement that we have not processed. I didn't think about that, being focused on the learning opportunity. I just didn't know what exactly I would be learning.

I missed the first of this three-part workshop, but that covered the basics which I hope I have a pretty good grasp of from all of the reading I have done in the last few years. This part turned out to be visioning, and essentially, unifying toward a common goal. It was a group of leaders...and I am not really in a leadership position in the structure, though I do lead. As I mentioned in one of the breakout sessions, what I do is lead from the middle, as I characterize it. I tend to do it in all of my groups by the way I approach the tasks I choose to do and the ways I support group process. This supports my needs to feel safe and to belong and has worked well most of the time. I'm an avoider and do not do well in confrontation or direct conflict-processing, which is a place I plan to work and learn, but when I am more or less guiding a group in a direction I think it needs to go, I have an openness to where that ends up, and it serves me to keep my goals to myself sometimes so other people can bring theirs. So I mostly focus on recording what happens (taking notes) and providing that written resource for the benefit of the progress we all make together.

When I take notes at a workshop like this, I keep a column on the left where I put my emotional observations and responses so they don't overwhelm me. I was only taking notes for my own benefit, but as the ways things were framed was going to be useful to me, I wrote everything down for later. The column on the left turned out to be a life-saver. My emotional responses surprised me and took a lot of my attention. I had trouble focusing on the content of the workshop. Because it was a gathering of leaders who have specific roles, and I don't have that role myself, I had to spend some time deciding which of my roles I would work within. It was interesting to sort through them and find a place for myself. There was some transformation going on for me that I had not expected and was not prepared for. I stumbled into it. I'm still not comfortable there.

I didn't want to make any of it about me, but my overwhelming feelings were that I did not belong there and was not welcome. That was so useful to feel...that is what marginalized people feel all the damn time. I am not marginalized, really...I'm an old white lady who sells a popular product and has a lot of skills for which I am rewarded in many ways. I've built myself what I would call a privileged life on the foundations of a privileged life as a member of a dominant culture. I've surrounded myself with people who are from that culture and we've banded together to carve ourselves out a physical space where we have a lot of freedom and latitude to be ourselves. It's not mainstream, but it looks a lot like it. I've been able to be lazy about most DEI goals. I care about them, but they're mostly not about me. But this was.

Of course in my case some large amount of it was projection. Nobody was glaring at me or dissing me in any way. One person was super friendly (so of course I felt manipulated...I'm not very trusting sometimes) but things settled out as we focused on the tasks and I did my running commentary about my feelings. I did turn off my camera after the first breakout session as I was shaking and triggered and needed to calm down. Zooms can be intimate as we look into each others' homes and are big heads on each other's screens. I was able to turn it back on by reminding myself that I was just one of a lot of little heads most of the time and I was distracting myself from the work I was there to do. The presenter wanted us to see each other.

So I stumbled along trying to refine my vision and answer the challenges from the presenter and set my feelings off to the left for later. I identified what I call some of my catholic things...will I be forgiven for my trespasses, am I guilty of all of the possible sins people might be assuming (or correct about) from the recent or deeper past, am I, myself, forgiving? One of the things listed as ways to reach the welcoming attitude we all aspire to was to turn judgement into curiosity. Another was to allow for non-closure, accept it. Not everything is going to be neatly wrapped up and pretty forevermore. Some of the damage we cause each other is lasting, and I cannot believe that I am immune from causing damage to others. A lot of things have happened while we have not been working together in person that are in between us when we first meet again. But there we were, working together, which I deeply believe is how we do our best, so at some point I realized that I was, by my presence there, re-committing to my work, to my complex relationships, and to my leadership such as it is. I was easing into a healing process. 

I'm still hesitant about it. My idealism hasn't recovered and divisive things, and bullying actions, are still happening and still possible. I do not have trust relationships with some people and might not regain them. Maybe I don't want to...maybe I'm safer if I don't trust everyone in the room. But maybe we can work together despite that...if we share a vision, and if it is a one we have for the common good.

And, at baseline, we do. We were being asked to identify that vision and then refine it into specific actions and strategies to work for it. We weren't expected to do it all at once...it is a long term project. What I finally did do was default to the vision that I have been working toward for decades...I call it ending the Us vs. Them. As soon as I mentioned it in a breakout group, we all agreed we had seen the gaps in reaching that. We had slightly different versions of it, but it is real, and it still persists despite the work I have done to diminish it, and really it is the core of DEI itself. Some people are perceived as others, either "below us" or "above us" and "we" see ourselves as a particular group that is either marginalized or burdened by the marginalized. We're not unified in working toward a common vision. We're not trusting that others share our vision that we are a bit afraid to believe in ourselves. 

Is it realistic? Is it improvable? Are we under the weight of a broken idealism that wasn't reality to begin with? Why haven't the things we've been doing worked better? My focus has been education...encouraging others to see the resources available and see others as available to help us access them, and not out to get in the way of our personal goals, which are often selfish ones.

It's certainly complicated by our roles but I return to the thing that spurred me to volunteer way back probably 15 years ago. I'd been volunteering in my other groups for my whole life here...fairly consistently. I'd been critical of lots of people for not being available as resources to me...but as I wrote the complaining letter that I didn't send, it boiled down to realizing that I didn't feel seen, and that was because I wasn't showing myself. I wasn't pitching in and bringing my skills. So I volunteered to take minutes and began a long and varied commitment to the pitching in of being a part of a flawed yet powerful group.

I'm still cynical and wary and hurt and loyal to others who are still hurt, but I can't sit forever in that place, and I can't just walk away. So I have opened the door. Probably only a person or two will even notice. I doubt my absence was noted, as I doubt my presence last night was noted. I'm glad I haven't burned too many bridges as I struggled through everything, and much of it is still in motion so this is a tenuous hold I have here. But it was a transformation. 

The work is transformational. It scares us because it is so essential and it can be a rollercoaster. All of the parts, ugly and lovely, have to happen because it starts with the individual, and that is me. 

Next is the interpersonal. I saw allies for me in that group, along with the people that I project hate me (that self-aggrandizing, because they probably don't care about me enough to hate me.) But I feel like I might be able to reach for that common vision when we do meet again and have our first interaction after shunning each other while we figured it all out. We don't have to all like each other. We just have to work together. We can learn to be more forgiving, more comfortable, more committed, and claw back a little of that unrealistic idealism that has fueled us to get this far. 

I feel like I can, and must, do this. I'm not afraid of ugliness, and I've gained a lot of strength in the last few years to call out things like bullying and all the many ways we oppress each other instead of supporting each other while we heal and walk forward. It's worth doing. I have missed my idealism. I long to buy back in, wary and with some limits, to a bigger vision for our community and our world. 

Just saying...I'm the one who asked for the logo with the Diversity Equity and Inclusion around the outside. The t-shirts I made said "Transforming the ****." I still want that. I want to move my dial from the cynical end to the idealistic end, just a notch or two at a time. I know it is a path fraught with pain and suffering but also that damn, elusive joy. I just have to choose that. I will carry a piece of it for you. Next time we see each other, let me slip it into your pocket. It can be a secret if you aren't ready.

Finding a Few Words

 Got almost a week of almost complete silence and enjoyed it too much. Could do another week. Watched a lot of birds and read some books. Did some cleaning. Will probably get back into the shop today to get organized for working again.

Thought a lot about the Jell-O Art Show and the archiving but didn't get started. Really tried to have a real vacation without the constant work. It was nice enough to get started on the pruning so I have sticks all over the yard, but in the places where I put them, not like after the storm. That was a lot of wind. I feel like I need to make the apple tree a lot lighter so if it does blow down, maybe it won't do a lot of damage. Usually the strongest winds come from the south, which is blocked by the shop, one reason I think that tree has lasted so long. The shade is so important to keeping the house and yard cool in summer, I'd hate to lose it completely, but it's probably a hundred by now. Still gives decent apples when the squirrels don't eat all the blossoms and buds first. 

I've gotten a lot more willing to prune radically as my trees age. I can see how they do better with shorter limbs and airier, less dense crowns. My rule is I want to be able to reach all of it with the pole pruner so I don't have to hire anyone to do my yardwork yet. It's my fun to wander around the yard making things less chaotic here and there. Still like to leave a lot of cover for birds and possums but with the number of dogs on my block I'm about the only habitat left. I spend a lot of time watching the backyard. 

The Stellar's Jays are amusing. I saw one tuck some seeds into a branch and then cover them with a bit of moss. I think they all watch each other hiding seeds and then raid the caches...chickadees probably hide the most. When the seed feeder gets low they go into overdrive. My theory is that the squirrels can smell the hidden seeds but the birds all watch the squirrels and follow them around for the bits they drop. Lots of hungry wildlife, but I'm not seeing evidence of rats for a change. Maybe that's the good side of having lots of dogs around. 

Still feeling immersed in silence, so not a lot to report. Not a lot of energy for picking up my various responsibilities so I'll probably continue dragging my feet. On the last can of cat food though and I haven't figured out what all I need to print for inventory. It's a bit too wet and cold to dye bags, but I still have to fit in the laundry on any day that even looks dry. I put it out, it gets less damp, and I bring it in to finish off. I would still never buy another dryer. I hope I never stop trying to consume less and subvert that dominant paradigm. The whole season of buying leaves me cold and while I also try to sell things, I have reached an uneasy settled place with that, for the time being anyway. I'm very grateful to have a way to make money that is working. 

Still, the Friday night before the first Saturday off, I dreamt about trying to get to Market. I had some kind of funky pushcart more like a luggage rack and I kept thinking of more things I needed to take. I never made it downtown. There was snow, a hilly terrain, and it was in some strange city. Also I am usually looking for a functional bathroom in so many of my dreams. I realized today that probably all of the semi-functional bathrooms in my memory are dream images. I can't imagine what house I would have been in with a non-functional toilet...that seems impossible. Plus I have only been in a house or two in the last many years. I remember my Mom had an often-told dream that her toilet overflowed all down her sweeping marble staircase into her opulent entryway. I think it was her way of telling herself that she never really wanted that dream house...as it turned out she lived over 60 years in what was her first and only real house of her marriage. I guess that is kind of turning out true for me, too, although I have lived in both houses on my property and built most of this one, so maybe closer to my dream. 

I think she loved her house, but when it came time to turn it into her old-age security, she didn't complain. I tried not to, as I didn't go back and help with the liquidation. I knew I would want much more than was good for me to bring home and the best way to remain unattached was to let it all get sold or given away to other people. I have very clear memories of that house and some of them are not that pleasant anyway, so I don't need to feel attached. I'm also shocked to find out there was a covenant on the deed...we lived in a restricted neighborhood. Delaware style, though...it was owned by an Italian Catholic man who bought the land and developed it in the mid-1940s. I suppose he was just "punching down" by excluding Black people, since in other locations Catholics were also not as human as other humans (here in Eugene, for instance) but it's disturbing that it was right there on the deed and my Dad signed off on it. Probably Mr. Paoletti also had to sign off on it when he bought it whenever that was. It was 1956 when we bought the house, which had been built by the previous owner. It was semi-rural then and I loved the neighborhood and roamed freely as a kid. I knew the area was segregated, but of course was not aware of the reality, that it wasn't by choice, and that violence was close to the surface of it. Delaware did not secede but it was primarily southern in the colonial era, and there was plenty of Jim Crow. And one of the last lynchings, very near my house. None of which entered my grade-school consciousness.

I simply did not look for any challenges to my worldview until I emerged from the cocoon of tree-climbing and wild-roaming childhood. I remember I joined the Job's Daughters because my friend was in it and my Dad was a Mason. They didn't admit Catholics (and we were, via my mother, though my Dad was not religious) but they let me in since I could play the piano and they needed someone to play for the secret services. I don't think the little girls were actually let in on any of the secrets. I wasn't anyway, and I didn't stay long. I know I understood that it wasn't okay to exclude Catholics and I was certainly aware of Civil Rights and the many movements, but not deeply. It was a safe and protected life of privilege, mostly characterized by striving to rise into the upper classes who lived around us and who were among my school friends. I knew I didn't belong, but I developed a superiority anyway, maybe in defensiveness. It centered around being smart, and nothing else. I was not good-looking with my buck teeth and weird hair so I never realized I had an attractiveness, and didn't use that for my purposes of being better than. Just smart. I had a high IQ, but not that high. I'm no genius. I still struggle with that humbleness though...that early programming is in really deep. I hope I show off less. I hope my inability to reach my potential has humanized me. I hope I can shake it long enough to accomplish a few things on my list though...a few more of my goals. Strike some kind of balance of being grateful enough for what I've been given and lucky to get, and what I need to give back. 

That's my goal, I guess, a balance. Nothing too amazing, just some kind of ordinary accomplishments. Maybe I'll start on some of them today. Or maybe I'll take just one more day of vacation and silence. It has been satisfying. I want more. Too bad I never got the woods that was supposed to surround my dream house, but I'm glad I have a good enough imagination to feel like I'm in it when I look out my windows.