I don't like Autumn, but this is a good one

 A lot has changed in the past two weeks. I can sleep again, and my stress level has gone down almost to "can enjoy life" again. Not all the way...it's just not a safe world and there are still plenty of challenges.

I watched the Jan 6 show and noticed my increasing anxiety and wish to distance, but I'm glad I stuck it out for the powerful ending. The voice vote to subpeona actually brought some emotion to my numbed soul, seeing those studious and determined people stand together to do what they know is not only right but will put them in personal danger. Obviously they all put their careers on the line long ago but the way human life is disregarded now for ideology has to be scary for everyone who is trying to work for justice. Every day, every minute.

We made the needed personnel change for my org and it was much less painful than expected, though for me the pain was in watching the train wreck and knowing my voice was not one that could be prominent. I didn't have to hold back with the team members I was working with, and I am grateful for their respect and willingness to listen, and I hope they felt gratified that I was such a good team player and was able to put aside so many things to just get on board for the best possible course of action. But I definitely had to take about a week of retreat to get back to work for the org. 

It was disheartening to even add things up in my journal in the account of how much I paid for the last two years. I remember sitting on my deck for an entire day when the train first went off the rails, processing my anger and disbelief at the position I had gotten myself into. I do not tolerate being deceived. I am way too trusting. So to go from backing someone as wholeheartedly as I could to a whole different course of action was tough, but I navigated it as well as I could. I thought I was riding a risky line but staying on the side of being honest myself, but was still surprised at the outcomes. Many times.

And I've been unpleasantly surprised over and over and had to re-evaluate myself and everyone else countless times as we weathered the blows of the injustice of liars and bullies. Since so much of it was confidential personnel stuff I wasn't able to talk about it with anyone in depth. I needed a highly paid professional and instead leaned on a few key people and I feel it was their loss. I got to process it, but what they learned didn't help them and made a few things worse despite my best intentions.

But it was a lot of water under a fragile bridge and it almost seems like we got that bridge reinforced now so it will serve for at least a few months before we have to get out our tools again. I still need therapy. I can maintain, but quality of life is thin. Mostly food is my go-to, and being in the garden, but I am still triggering my food allergies, since I love all the things I can't really tolerate, and my back issues are preventing me from doing all of the work I want to do. And I'm still wearing a mask every time I am out in public and often even with small groups of people. Just don't feel safe.

The lifting of doing the Market day and the standing up the whole time are getting to be too much. I hate to admit it. I dread the first rainy day as I might find out I can no longer deal with the pop-up and weights. I am not likely to be one of those who gets other people to do my work, as it just isn't my way. So maybe I skip. We only have three markets left, so maybe I get lucky and the drought holds on the weekends. Holiday Market is probably manageable although there is still plenty of lifting and hard work. And I have a big pile of denial about any longterm physical limits. Add it to my denial list. It's pretty long.

I still have people sending me bad energy when I speak out and maybe I am getting stronger about it. I can be strong on the outside while I work on it. I know how to block people now so at least they can't access me and make me respond on social media. Most bullies are too cowardly to do much in person, fortunately. One in particular has a way of going to others with all his innocence and then they try to caution me...but enabling bullies is bullying and I am not tolerant of that either. So probably I appear unreasonable about a few things but I know what is true and what is not. And no one gets to tell me not to tell the truth.

When I am courageous enough to tell it. My social media interactions have diminished to almost none. Since I don't post this on FB I get about 3 readers...that's okay I guess. I am doing to to keep writing and to remind myself how to construct logical essay structures and so that I don't forget that I am a writer with big projects to do. Someday. When things get stable for more than a couple of weeks at a time. In the winter. Next summer.

Ha, next summer won't be happening. I need a new roof, and I have the opportunity to do some solar on it, but I know I can't do much of it myself, if any. So every dollar I can put away will be important. So I'm mad about one of my selling days getting discarded by other people who didn't need it. If the weather is good I might try to sell with the farmers, if they let us. If it isn't I will enjoy a day off I suppose, reluctantly. I'm not mad at any individual who made that decision for the org, just mad that my arguments didn't hold more weight. I argued for the community gathering, for the people who don't sell at HM who also lost their last selling day, and for the heritage of Rain or Shine and honoring our commitments. We show up. We work hard.

I've been reflecting that hard work is really my core value. I even work hard to finish my library books and get them back on time. I don't know how my life works if I can't work hard. That makes it a bit of a self-destructive addiction on the scale of things, and a protestant white supremacy cultural value. if I am not a hard worker, how will my value be measured? 

I know my value as a seasoned and experienced membership participant is diminished and won't last. They say they respect my opinions but not in the way that they might defer to them. I didn't say "I told you so," once about the botched decisions that I proved to be right about. I know how to be graceful and to move forward. I don't expect apologies, and they won't be forthcoming. Instead I looked at my behaviors and the ways I expressed my positions and I figured out ways to be better next time. I worked on myself to be more palatable. I am such a trained 1950s woman. I will always be a team player and a cheerleader and such an earnest learner. I hope that is seen about me when I join the ranks of the dismissed and ditzy. I'll likely never stop trying to work hard for what I see needs to be done. 

It's likely to always be exhausting and only momentarily rewarding. Because I stood firm, we got ourselves out of trouble. There was a price. We have paid it. Now we figure out how to mitigate our losses and rebuild. I have no choice but to pick up my tools again. 

Maybe I can learn to pick up fewer at a time and not hurt myself in the process. Maybe if I can't learn to not work hard I can learn to moderate when and how. What if I let go of all the parts that make me feel bad? Well, it's probably like the approach of winter. Me feeling bad about it doesn't change the march of time. Maybe I learn to use winter more effectively to meet my goals. Which are...work hard, and enjoy life. Going outside now. Be well.