Leadership in Times of Chaos

Interesting microcosm. I was called out as a leader of OCF to speak up on a highly dramatic FB post about a post about a post, not to denounce the drama but to join in. My initial response was of the "ten-foot-pole" style so I declined to engage, but of course triggering begets triggering so I haven't gotten it out of my mind.

Yesterday was Saturday of course and I was working my 12-hour day, and Friday preparing for that, so I was more compelled to do the resting that is my routine, and didn't even see the post about a post about a post where my name was mentioned, until Saturday night. I knew better to respond or react, thankfully.

When I see someone going off into their distress, I have a lot of empathy while I am backing away. If I am there in person and can offer some pre-arranged de-stressing techniques, I might offer them, if it seems helpful. A hand on the arm or shoulder, maybe placing my body between the distressed person and the source of their trigger, such as when my friend gets set off by the obnoxious X-tians on the corner at the Market. I might repeat something we had decided on earlier, such as "Maybe you should have lunch, can I get you some pizza?" or simply "Maybe you don't really want to go over there." Sometimes it works, but mostly triggered people have to engage their own process for calming. It's a process, not an action.

When there is that cascade of hormonal stress responses, very little can be done to interrupt the sequence unless the person has set up and at least partially mastered their counter-response. I know what mine is but when first triggered I have very little ability to do the steps, except withdrawal, since avoidance is my most treasured technique. Online stuff, no problem, I read in horror, feel my emotions rising, and turn the computer off and walk away. Do something else while the thoughts run wild and gradually re-arrange. This one was almost funny, but not really, as I argued with myself about it.

My first reaction was to deny that I am an OCF leader. I mean, I serve on one committee, though I do work hard there and have been helpful and effective. I have a booth. I listen to the meetings and read the FFN and try to keep up. I monitor several FB groups informally to keep myself aware of what's happening there. I care a lot, but I don't see that I do much. I tried to advocate for some Board candidates but I won't publicly denounce others, ideally. They need to be evaluated on their statements and records, not my opinions. So leader? I don't know. I've been there a long time.

In my committee I lead by using a supportive role (Scribe) to organize thoughts and discussions and records for clarity and effectiveness. I feel it is kind of leading from the group rather than putting myself out front. When I look at my other leadership roles I see that pattern...for SM I am Secretary, required to attend every meeting but always without a vote. I will express my opinion if it doesn't seem to be covered by the Board members or if it is something I really really am convinced about or have some history to add. Since I am also playing the recorder role I try to stay in that and be an impartial witness. I guess that is also what I do on OCF FB threads...I witness, trying to discern the logical and rational positions and amplify those, adding my voice to the reasonable ones and attempting to not amplify the unreasonable ones. Is it leading? From behind maybe.

I don't enjoy confrontation, which is triggering for me because of bullying. I have to avoid bullies, and I have identified a wide range of controlling behaviors that are on that list. Unfortunately, the person who called me out used one on me, so I won't join that thread in anyone's defense, not even my own. Calling someone out to comment on a FB post? When did that become a thing? I don't moderate that site like I do another, where it is my responsibility to control behaviors and comments. But I felt both honored that I was considered a leader, and horrified to think I was supposed to wade into that messy post. Later as I got more rational, I remembered that calling people to Fb posts has been a thing for a long time. I just wanted to stay in my cave and not have to state the obvious: name calling is wrong. Antisemitism is really wrong. All of those tactics are wrong. I suppose I could have done that, in retrospect. But the rest of the post, with all the many comments, took me an hour to read, and I wanted no part of it.

The person who posted has no relationship with me. We haven't met. The person going off into their triggered response is someone with whom I can't communicate of late. My avoidance is strong with that one. Every time I have engaged with them on FB, I have felt dismissed, contradicted, and not heard, so I've mostly stopped engaging. Let them spin out. Not my dog, as we say.

But here I am defending myself. Here I am, mildly triggered. That shit is contagious! I avoid it like the plague! And the more it becomes the way of Fair politics, the more I step away. It is unthinkable to me to run for the OCF Board, even if I had the time to do it, which I don't. I would not survive sitting at that table month after month. It took me years to commit to my committee because of the bullying behaviors taking place within it. We've mostly figured out ways to minimize them now, but OCF has a huge bullying problem. It's incredibly widespread, although we also have a large segment of our community of persons who are self-aware, have studied compassionate communication, psychology, addictions, behavior patterns, and who have helped our community evolve. They mostly don't engage because when they do, they are also attacked and dragged into the drama, and they know better than to allow that in their lives. They are perhaps our silent majority, people who have decided to just do their jobs and get their joy and not play the power games. I'm proud of them and gratified to have faith in their existence. Once in awhile they speak out, but mostly conserve their energies to do bigger things in the world than defuse Fair drama. So sometimes the drama takes over like it has this past year. What an emotional chore it has been even to witness.

The worst part of it is that even people saying they want Code of Conduct revisions to end them don't seem to have the self-awareness to see how they themselves engage in the behaviors. When someone comes on and tries to help them identify those behaviors, that person is attacked. Defensiveness is the rule. it's always about ME with some of those folks. Years of therapy are needed, not some Task force meetings. A retreat won't help.

I wanted to support the two people who were trying hard to refocus the rants, make their points clearly, and identify the irrationality. I was afraid to even "like" their posts. I need to maintain more of a witness-like, neutral stand with it all, and I guess that is how my leadership is going to work with OCF. I will make my statements, with my shirts or my blog posts or my private conversations, but I am not going to get out there and engage with this messy, destructive patterned behavior of the last year and now.

Maybe I see myself as some kind of moral leader, and maybe I am failing to rise to the occasion. I feel like a coward about it. I feel like the irrationality and dysfunction makes me act like a coward instead of stepping up and speaking truth to it. Like with the X-tians and their awful signs and proselytizing, I feel like engaging will be a losing proposition and further amplify their destructive patterned messaging. If I play, they will win. I don't even want it to be a competition, but drama is inherently competitive. Give ME the attention. I need it more than you do! The patterns are so classic. Just not my cup of tea. Life is too short.

So there it is. I will now engage in my day of rest. I'll talk to my Mom about her book design, I will clean up a bit around here, make food, and maybe feel safe enough to try out this tincture I got. I insist on my right to feel safe. If that means staying off FB and inside my little world, that's what I'm doing. Don't call me out. I am watching. If I want to say something, I might. If I don't, that's my choice and I will live with it. You do your part, whatever you think it is.

Things in the macrocosm are crumbling violently! Let's please protect our microcosm. We are going to need it. We need it now.