Taking a Moment

Spent this lovely day on the deck in the breeze drawing flowers for a design I'm doing for the Saturday Market staff who will have a booth at Fair this year. It's exciting to have a bigger presence at Fair, especially now, in the time when Fair is large in the world. I love the design but now that it's almost finished and I spent my day off on it, I feel trepidation.

It's probably not good enough. Nothing that I envision comes out as well as I imagine it, never has. I tell myself if I had ever overcome my beginnings and learned how to accept instruction and formal training, I'd be so much more skilled. Never studying art except by the doing of it, I can always see my awkwardness in my style. I'm not the type who would go to college now though; it isn't really even possible. I have to keep working as much as I can just to provide some kind of minimal security for when I can't work. No matter what I do I won't have enough resources, and it isn't like some credentials would allow me to charge twice as much for my work or anything. Someday I will take a little watercolor class when I am ninety if my hands still work.

Yesterday was a rough day, even as lovely as it was with so much packed into it. I've discovered that Sharpies aren't permanent and have had several people point out that my hats aren't weatherproof, particularly the logo ones that take so long to hand-color. I don't know what to do about it really, except tell people not to get them wet at which time they put them back and choose something else. It feels so bad to have an inadequate product. I will definitely replace any hat that has run, just bring it back. I'll figure out a solution for the problem too.


I know people didn't get what I was saying on my post about this new design. Very few thought it through to see the upside-down logo which is an artistic statement carried through 30 years from a joke for the OCF 20th. The peach upside down does look like a butt with a stick in it. It just does, so Mike and Ed made a kind of mean shirt for the 20th. It was hugely popular because people are always ready to criticize and there is always shit to sort through. For the 30th I made it into "Turning the Sacred Upside Down" which was my way of being philosophical about how we can integrate our darkside, and I still like that one. The 40th was a failure ("Still Seductive") and I had to give them away but this one for the 50th is rather beautiful and has the sincere message to Stay Grounded. Lovely leaves and flowers emerge from the peach when it lies on the ground and regenerates itself.

It's a good design but if you don't like the peach part it is apparently offensive. People also found the Sacred one offensive. As an artist I should be easier with my ability to offend but I am too much of a people pleaser and I want everyone's approval. I'll get over my disappointment. Forget posting designs on FB though. People don't know what they are saying. It's a fully finished product. I'm not going to make it bolder. I printed like 80 of them. I made it subtle on purpose. I did a complicated color blend that took forever. I wasn't asking for suggestions. But apparently I wasn't clear enough what I was asking. I was too subtle.

A lot of times when we are trying to be clever we fail. I can't be this sensitive if I am going to be powerful. This is a great time to toughen up. Leave the insecurities and triggerings behind and just forge ahead and do my work. At least the Elders shirt design is pretty good, if I don't point out all the flaws and inadequacies. It makes a lovely tote bag. I guess you shouldn't get it wet.The shirt says Elders on the bottom with the two dates, and I think they liked it. I think it's a good one, though not the best design I ever made as I wanted it to be.

Another thing that happened yesterday is that it was slow (we are suffering the loss of the many track meets and their tourism, and don't anyone forget it. They didn't care if we have a two year recession while they build that behemoth stadium which will be pie in the sky someday.) When it's slow we sometimes have some great conversations. Yesterday it was about UFOs that are real and the future that we almost can't discuss because it is way too real. It's hard to live with that terror, but I'm not moving to fucking Mars. We're going to save ourselves somehow if everyone will just get serious and stop flying and driving and ignoring the problems. Thank goodness for the young people.

So we're having a fun time chatting for the last two hours of the day and a guy comes by and asks for MAGA hats. Of course I politely say I would never make such a thing and then he lamely tries to continue, saying Andrew Jackson was a great human. By then we had all just wished him away and didn't even respond to that, but now I feel like he needed to be called on trying to bait us. Coming on our home ground, where we work, and saying racist things should be called out in some way. Ignoring was the best we could do so as not to spoil our lovely camraderie we were enjoying so much. Maybe I will think of a proper response to a racist coming into my space and deliver it the next time.

And I'm glad we didn't have a fight. Some bullies came to our meeting and it was intense but fascinating, because we didn't buy into their tactics. I feel like a year or two ago we would have been a lot more accomodating of bullying but this time we all knew what it was, exactly what it felt like and how not to feed into it. Skilled people responded appropriately and we gave some options to move forward and they slunk away without getting their way. It isn't over, but I really had to wonder if they had thought it through at all. Did they think they would bully us into their fantasy solution? They must have. I swear if some men don't evolve a bit faster we are going to start wearing our pussy hats every damn day. We did some nice healing after they left when we evaluated the meeting and left feeling clear at least. But a meeting that was going to be a good one turned ugly and that was sad.

At least we got the good news first. At least we got our work done and didn't suffer any lasting damage. At least we are clear that we support each other and our staff and we don't use unfair, unevolved tactics to work through our problems, we work in community to make decisions that will last and feel good. I'm proud of my community and what we've learned in the last 50 years, and keep learning.

I'm grateful for the good people that surround me and shaking off the residue from the bad. If I can just get a day on the deck once a week or so, with some flowers and a good book (I'm just finishing Horizon by Barry Lopez) and soon I will open Suzi's Vol. 2 and see what made it through the edits about me and some of my Fair friends and acquaintances. I'm proud of her and found the Museum exhibit spectacular and pretty comprehensive. They are lucky enough to have some big artifacts. SM doesn't really have those...not sure if any exist out in the world, but our lack of storage and our need for mobility for our event has resulted in not a lot of amazing junk like Fair has.

I was super interested to see how the framing worked since I am attempting to similarly frame Saturday Market history, and while I felt quite overwhelmed at how much I don't know about curating, I also realize that it won't be just me doing it eventually. If it gets to the stage OCF got to, there will be professionals involved. I can't imagine getting it done by next May, but you never know. I had a good start on it until I got too busy working. After Fair I can get back to it (and actually will be tabling for a day in the Historical Museum during the County Fair, on Wednesday July 24th.) Maybe I will get a chance to talk with curators and history nerds then and make some progress in how I envision it. Maybe I AM adequate to the task. Anyway I'm doing the task, so I will just have to damn the critics and keep doing the work.

A productive day, going from depressed and disappointed to strong again and ready for an intense week. Nothing that was supposed to be delivered last week arrived. I don't actually have anything to print this week, just one impossible piece of art and some things to order for art that will someday materialize. The end of June is going to be pure working hell so I will have to savor this day on the deck as I may not get another. The weeds will have their way with the garden and the lettuce will bolt before I can gather it in. I will try hard to get the garlic dug before Fair. I have found that if I don't, I can't find it after.

We shall see what the week brings. I guess I should take a minute and recognize that I made three amazing new designs and I still like them all. That's unusual. I printed a lot of shirts this week and will print a lot more, and will have some bucks at the end of it to put into my tiny savings account. Or buy wood and plumbing parts so I can forestall the sinking of my old houses into the ground they stand on. Good thing I'm so strong and youthful!