Someday We'll Laugh About This

'Tis the season of irrationality. People's heartstrings are getting plucked to threads and it's up and down, whirl around and then get up and dance some more. The pipeline is stopped, for a minute, and the electoral college is fragmenting, like a dream. It's all like a dream/nightmare, and the urge to escape back into that warm bed of denial and frothy foaminess is compelling.

Collecting shiny things

Retailing this time of year is so rough! It looks so fun and easy to dress up in ruffles and glitter and collect Benjamins all day but all of us who do this know how hard we have to struggle to maintain balance. The days of retreat at home are essential and often we can't consume...I can't go shopping myself. I buy little things at the HM and turn my Xmas lights on every day at home and try to keep collected. I even tell myself not to write here because it makes me feel even more vulnerable. Then I do it anyway.

But the energy in our world is so high right now, it's remarkable. Many of our fears have subsided to a more manageable size in our scorched hearts, and we carefully build up our peace and joy with selective forays into the territory. Watching the veterans ask the native people for forgiveness was profoundly moving. This careful step forward to trust should be something we all echo somehow in our own lives. What can I do, what little changes can I really make that will last for me and help me navigate what may come?

Not everyone has to agree on everything. Certainly as an old person I plant my feet and refuse to participate in a lot of things, and that's not all bad. I dropped women's clothing because of fast fashion (you know what that is if you have bought anything in a chain store in the past decade.) Everything is cheap and flimsy, quality has been lost and the waste is unconscionable. Thus people are buying less and I am one of them. It does set up the cognitive dissonance while selling things. I had the crushing realization that all of my products are made of cotton. Does that still feed racism like it once did? Does everything we do feed racism in our denial and inability to cover all the bases of being a good person? Probably a little, so we can work harder to name it and claim it.

I'm working on it. My locally sewn bags are at least "made in the USA" cotton and local people have more work to do because of me spending my dollars that way. It feels wonderful and I am taking the time to explain it more to customers because they usually respond to it. My big denial area is that a lot of my products are still imported...I put my handcrafting on them, but I don't make them and that's an impossible thing to explain away. I can make my excuses...but it's still on me to do better. So maybe this winter I will put that closer to the top of my list.

Oh, the lists. Mine go in too many directions at once. While I'm doing one thing I'm feeling guilty for not doing another. I had some extra time yesterday so went to the library, read a magazine and got a few books. I have a giant reading pile already and some of it feels urgent, but I got fiction and essays that will make me feel things...I'm afraid of feeling things so I dive in deeper. It might work, or maybe that is my favorite recipe for disaster. I read The Sun magazine and am reading essays by Brian Doyle...reading a lot of essays. Crying is good relief so probably my subconscious is telling me to trigger myself. Feel stuff! Don't numb out. It's harder but it's better.

The giving up of dairy is beginning to feel good rather than depressing. Cheese and ice cream substitutes are satisfying, though I have not found a satisfactory cookie and don't expect to. There is something else that is causing a reaction though, mold or the germs of others or some other substance I'm ingesting...tempted to do an allergen test. Also tempted to do a DNA profile...I'd love to see what my heritage really is.

Technology continues to speed beyond my willingness and I know I should replace my laptop now. I went to Next Step and upgraded my TV and internet with simple fixes so I know how to do it cheaply, but then I have to get rid of another piece of toxic gear that even though somewhat recyclable, adds to the problem rather than the solution. How long can I resist a better car? How long can I not use my cellphone for everything and when I run out of checks, will I bank online? I pretty much need to be shamed into these changes or find things so difficult I make them under protest. The banking online thing will save trees, and of course reduce waste, and then I won't have all that paper to sort and store...but it makes me feel so insecure to not have tangible artifacts of what I purchase and sell. So perhaps slowly I will step toward these changes. Certainly being online for communicating has been positive...hasn't it?

I've almost grown to hate Facebook and regret giving away so much through it...but then I get to read posts from my son and articles from amazing writers and see images that are almost beyond belief...and the internet is a way to travel and be a world citizen without getting on a plane. You guessed it, I hate to fly, and in fact I have let my life contract despite knowing that the way this happens is not necessarily a healthy part of aging. I see so many fearful elders and I don't want to be one of them...but I am. I vow to be more brave. Perhaps this latest political debacle is an avenue to being bolder. Speak up! The Pantsuit Nation FB group is one story after another about people speaking up to intolerance and hatred and I want to be one of them.

So I talk to myself a lot. I try to own my fears and errors and work on them. I was particularly working on being intimidated by large men...so I tried some amusing workarounds. First, I'm the one being intimidated, so I can refuse to feel that or refuse to allow that if it is an actual behavior instead of a fear. For one guy I noticed that although he is heavy, he is not that tall. So I see myself as just as tall. Plus I'm probably faster. So maybe he is there to be my ally (he's certainly solid) and then I can see that he is doing his best to not look intimidating. He's intentionally being cute. I love him for it. One little problem solved.

One by one. Every problem has a solution or at least a path to one. I am lucky to be creative and well-practiced at problem solving. Mine are all small. Tiny. Miniscule. I have so few problems my tiny mind tries to make the ones I have look big. Plug in the lights. Think about finding more vegan recipes. Read a book. Turn off the devices and hear the quiet, watch the warblers. Wait for snow.

Remember it's the darkest time, but soon it will be lighter, and lighter, and more incredible things will happen. One guy and I had a little conversation where we found that we had the common ground of being idealists and truly believing that good will triumph over evil. Joy to the damn world! Peace to humans of good will. This may be the best of times. I want to be present for it.