Move Along

Okay! We wrapped up the Park Blocks season and said our fond goodbyes to selling outdoors for awhile. It's so different at Holiday Market; a whole new set of problems. Yesterday was not rainy, not cold, and there was a decent member and customer turnout. People even came who had not been at the Market before. I gave out lots of HM postcards and told my potential customers that I'd have a lot more choices there in the hat array. I will have a lot more, though I will try hard to limit myself so my booth isn't so packed there isn't room to see anything.

I still struggle with all the difficult things, but I feel a lot better than I did last time I wrote as the pattern played out and things smoothed over again. I thought about deleting the last post as people worried about me, and that wasn't my intention, but clearly I was still in the pattern when I wrote it and when the storm ends there is always regret, apology and depression about being unable to really change significantly. Damage is there, although having that does give more understanding and compassion about the damage in others. It's easy enough to see but not easy to deal with, to counter or assist or support those suffering from it.

I wish I could tell young people to be more careful, that injuries sometimes don't really heal the way we think they will. My foot continues to hurt so much at night after standing all day on concrete that I simply can't walk on it. It hurts the next day too. It's hard to deal with pain, so I get how it is for people with much more serious pain than I have. You want escape, you want relief, you want to go back in time and not do that to yourself, and you want to fix the pain you have caused others. Not much you can really do. You keep moving and hope for the best. You do the little things as they present themselves. You try to stay positive and not "present with your damage" as everyone has their own piece and really they don't want to hear about yours, at least not in detail. Yesterday both Raven and I got trapped by several individuals who don't seem to see themselves getting in the way of our sales and the work we are there to do. I rescued him twice by letting the people know we needed to focus on our jobs and stop chatting. I tried to get out of the conversation I got trapped in and finally the guy said something about how he was talking my ear off. I let him know that yes, he was, and I hope he was able to stop doing that to others. I doubt he was. He had a huge need to talk about his passionately held opinions. I'll be avoiding him in the future. It makes me wonder how much of social anxiety is caused by a lack of skill in turning off someone's enthusiasm in a way that doesn't hurt them. Maybe we're just as afraid of hurting others as we are of getting hurt ourselves.

But enough of that painful stuff and on to more fun and warmth as the winter sets in. Just being able to work indoors more is a relief as I have plenty to do. There are a couple of outdoor projects I still have to finish this week and my leaf delivery from the city will probably come. Loading in to the HM is a huge day on Friday and by next Monday I will want to have nothing on my list except cooking for Thanksgiving. I feel a little grim about the workload. I feel a little old about how much my life seems limited by work. I've been turning work down...trying hard to say no to things that add to the list. I want to get to the happy positive place but the words aren't coming. Maybe pie will help.

We do have a lovely Market family potluck on Friday at 6:00, in the middle of setup, so maybe I can get some warm fuzzy feelings from that. Maybe today I will do less. I have to finish a library book that is due, and maybe I will allow myself to do that today. I need a nicer boss. I don't like complaining but something is making me do it, something more than habit and something connected with pain. Maybe I can focus my need to work harder on working harder to have ease and fun and let go of some of the drive of the 40-year-old and think about some of the joys of being 65 instead. We'll see. Maybe I'll cook up one of the beautiful squashes I got from the farmers' side of the street and test my recipe for dairy-free pumpkin flan. I think eating less pie crust will allow me to eat more pie. Pie might be the key to my happiness this week. I hope you all find the keys to yours.