The Light is Changing

I'm not such a big fan of Fall. I've probably mentioned that before. It's mostly because I don't like to be cold and love to be hot, and the seasons aren't going to support that for awhile, except for these September and now October afternoons. Of course it's pretty pointless to fret about the weather and the way the earth is tilting. It might be more productive to learn to adapt to it and find things to enjoy about it.

So I get out the longjohns and turtlenecks and I even turned the heat on once. I can still open the house up at the end of the day and get the hot air in so I'm still pretty happy. I like all the nature things that happen, except the dying leaves part, though they're interesting and beautiful. A big grey squirrel is trying to move into my yard or my block, and it's interesting watching the little resident squirrels try to keep it out. I dislike how the squirrels eat all my food (strawberries, raspberries, apples, pears, filberts, everything but the tomatoes) but they can be amusing. The towhees are back and I think I heard a varied thrush. I love my yard even though it is way too small.

My world is kind of small I guess. I think that is a result of trying to create safety and a measure of control for my own comfort: emotional control and financial safety and physical safety. It's essential but I sense that it can take over sometimes as I fear things more: aging, health conditions, random stuff that could happen but actually probably won't. Fear might be more of a habit than a response. Fear of the unknown...but isn't everything unknown, at least to a degree? Turn anxiety into curiosity. I wonder if the squirrels will switch nests and maybe move away? Could happen.

I am going to be singing at the Lennon Birthday Show, with the Slug Queen and the Radar Angels. I totally love the singing part. Rehearsal tonight was beautiful, lots of wonderful harmony and it's easy to love songs by the Beatles, particularly John Lennon. He has been a hero to me for a long time, and Yoko is too, for her courage and strength. It is always fun to sing that music, and there is so much of it. I'm really thinking a lot of my brother-in-law Mike and my sisters and Mom and all the many times we sang Beatles songs. We used to sing Blackbird a lot, sweetly. Mike is in a band called the Buntles and he probably knows all the lyrics to all of the songs. I wish I had him to practice with. We have one more rehearsal and are not all the way sure what songs we will do. Across the Universe for sure, with all those poetic lyrics, which has been fun to learn. We are also going to do Can't Buy Me Love which is lively and we'll probably have to get together some choreography with it. Who knows what the third song will be? I hope it is one I already know or I'll be singing along with YouTube a lot next week. The show is October 10th, on a Saturday, so it won't be easy to manage that day. I can do it though. I know I want to, and Indi told me tonight that the apprehension and stage fright really never go away, so there's no point in letting them keep me from the stage.

I need a costume plan to settle me down. Seventies mod psychedelic hippie Radar Angel. Sounds easy except that I have nothing suitable. I might though, put away in the clothing I've saved because I couldn't let go of it. I don't have my patched bellbottoms, too bad. Don't know where they went. They probably rotted. I must have something. If not, it is a good season to be putting a costume together, and that is something I enjoy that might balance the fears. Balancing the fears with fun is a good strategy. We were talking tonight about being 97 and still dressing up and performing skits. I can totally see that, so I had better keep this going and really get good at it.

Better keep working at balancing the fears with curiosity and openness to the good parts of the unknown. If everything were known it would be terribly boring. I like thinking of every moment as a new one that has never happened and won't happen again, but the mundane takes over a lot of that time. There's not much different about doing the dishes, or printing more of the things I have printed before. The moments run together and then the season is changing again and another year is added onto all of our ages. It goes fast and there isn't time for everything. It's hard to fit in all of the important things, whatever they are.

Sometimes the most important thing is sitting on the deck in the golden afternoon light. Sometimes it is going to a meeting to tend to other important things. Sometimes it is going to bed to be ready for the challenges of tomorrow. But there is a show on about the beginnings of Pilchuck glass studio in the 70's and now I have to watch it. I guess I'll sleep when it gets colder.