What is fear and why do we worship it?

Simple answer: being human is hard and we are really used to feeling afraid. Of just everything and it's opposite: fear of death, fear of living too well. Fear of that guy, fear of my dark self. Fear of tomorrow, fear of not having a tomorrow. It all goes around in me, all the many things I'm anxious about right now, and when I try to tease down to the center of the fears, there's really nothing there. I guess that is the good news.

I'm terrified about my trip to Australia (in April) but what part? I've flown on planes and nothing bad happened. I get to spend all the time in the world with my Mom, a rare treat that I plan to treasure. I get to see my little brother marry the love of his life and meet her whole family, what a joyful time that will be! I get to see roos and cockatoos and no one is going to make me eat vegemite if I don't like it. What's wrong with me?

My latest theory was that maybe it was the falling barometric pressure today as a big storm blew in, to be followed by a few more. Rain isn't scary, and I'm not really afraid of that leak I had in the skylight...if it's still leaking after the fix, well, I can try again. The roof won't fall in. Getting wet isn't a big issue for me, no hairstyle to worry about or suede boots.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm testing my developing dairy allergy with abstinence from all things milk...including butter. Which ends my little cookie habit rather abruptly. I'm fearful of diabetes and high cholesterol, so I'm trying to eat no added sugars and more fresh vegetables and more oatmeal and walnuts, and reading internet articles that seem to assure me I'm pretty all right on both of those concerns. I can admit I could have been stuffing down my anxieties with cookies and such. Comfort foods. Cheese could have been that, cheese and cookies and beer. I haven't had beer in years now though, and I don't think I'm that attached to those things. I love dried fruit so that is sufficiently treat-like to satisfy me. Maybe I just need to cut back the coffee a little.

So what are the coping mechanisms I can use for anxiety? I'm a big avoider, which actually tends to increase the anxiety because putting things off leads to an overwhelming list of them. Could be that. I do have a long list. But one by one I've been crossing those things off: got new glasses, did the Jell-O thing last Saturday and it went really well, got back out into the shop and worked without any significant flare-ups of my repetitive motion stresses. Avoidance and escape aren't great, though they work some, but I'm escaping a lot less just in general, trying to face things faster and more efficiently and be more productive. That seems easy enough, and it's working.

Fear of what is out of my control? Well, duh. Practically nothing is. I'm involved with several groups who are trying to move forward on business and philosophical stuff and I am not in charge of any of it really. That's frustrating, but I'm not full of fears about it. I'm not the one responsible for any of it either, it's the groups. Everything is all spread out and we're doing it all together, and none of it is life-or-death.

So I've decided that it's just me. I'm more fearful than I used to be. I remember observing my mother's writing group a couple of years ago and noticing that all the women in their 60's through their 80's seemed afraid of everything. Their writing was timid, the subjects safe, and they all clung to safety in every way, it seemed to me, from conformism to politeness to their dependent relationships. I was in my fifties and pretty emotionally brave at the time, particularly in regard to writing. I didn't notice that changing really, but it has. I have less interest in *my truth* or anyone else's. I like to read it when other people write it, but I'm less willing to make definite statements about emotional truth. It seems more nuanced and complex than I can pin down with words. I don't know as much as I used to believe I did.

My concern for the environment and the survival of life as I know it has heightened. I feel more doomed and while I still try not to use fossil fuels and to eat organic and use more herbal and less allopathic remedies for simple things, I don't know if I believe in it the way I did. No, that's incorrect. I'm more convinced than ever than I need my food to be clean and my air to be free of poisons, but I see more clearly how futile my actions seem. I'm going to wipe out about a decade of biking with this one long airplane trip. Though I still have all the benefits of the decades of biking I guess. It doesn't just trade out in that simple manner. I'm still committed to those things, but I felt I had to upgrade my phone and I really ought to upgrade my car, because I have grown fearful of driving and that's making my life contract. And the bill for the new phone is more...seems like I just went in the wrong direction. I can't spend more all the time. But that seems to be just what I am going to have to do. So big free-floating fears there.

It's probably TV. That box is made to build fears. All that clever programming is so scary all the time. It's scary that people's values are so nuts that we love watching young women compete and lose complete composure and social mores to *win* some young man or some dance contest. All of the striving to be a star and the best and the one is ultimately completely depressing (and I don't watch those things, but turn on the box and there they are all the time.) It could be the approach of Valentine's Day, reminding me how much happier I would be if I just had a love to depend on, someone who loved me enough to give me a diamond or something. I don't know what I would do with a diamond, and chocolate is off the diet mostly but I suppose being able to depend on someone might be nice. I could pretend to be safe all the time if I trusted them to be in charge of things I don't want to be in charge of...but nah. Ain't gonna help me. I feel safer when I'm in charge. Back to that.

So here I am trying the writing work-through, wrapping it up by reminding myself of all the things I am not afraid of or aren't really problems, hoping the anxieties will dissipate. I do feel a little better. One thing I just did was while away the hour before the Radar Angels arrive to work on the script for the Jell-O Show. I have a good idea (at least I imagine that it is a good idea) and could probably write a finished script in an hour, but we are going to collaborate and though that is a little scary, it will be pretty fun and we'll come up with a good result. I've been through it twice now and both times it worked just fine. No reason to think it won't tonight, plus I cleaned up the house and have all this space so I can do other big projects in the living room until I clutter it up again. Lots of plusses tonight.

I still feel really anxious. I wish I had a better handle on it. There's always tomorrow, though. Something could happen this weekend to make me feel safe and good. That's likely actually, since Sunday is the Kareng Fund Art Bingo event and that will be all full of love. I keep telling myself this one thing I learned somewhere: turn anxiety into curiosity. Curiosity is fun and a great attitude to work under, and really quite useful when we don't know how things will go. Who does? The best laid plans, etc. etc. Maybe I'm just anxious in the sense of in a hurry. I want to see how these things I'm anticipating will turn out. Will the Jell-O Show be funny? Pretty sure it will. Will the wedding be one to remember? Definitely. Will a kangaroo kick me and knock me into a cockatoo carrying a vegemite sandwich in its beak? Guess we'll see.

See people Sunday. Come down and play bingo. What's not fun about that? Wear boots if it's really wet. Better put on some water for tea; here come the Angels!