Change, damnit!

Yesterday my writing group met out on the deck and listened and watched thirsty birds trying to be brave enough to get the water which was too close to us for their comfort. Then last night was the first night I closed the windows. Autumn is coming, and I can't do anything about it.

I used to think it was the gradual dying of the plants I love that bothered me, the slant of the light as the days got shorter, the anxieties of going back to school after the stretched out days of summer, the urgency of finishing the outdoor projects...but now I think I just don't like change. Not a new thought.

Yet I don't want everything to stay the same, and I know it won't. I'm bothered by development, and hate to see the trees cut, the old houses madeover into modern-looking ones, the fields turned to apartment complexes. But me being bothered by it doesn't stop one project, one remodeling, and refusal to keep up just causes things to get harder and more frightening.

So it isn't really change I can't accept, it's my resistance to it that is causing the problem. So last night I crawled into bed early and woke in the pre-dawn to contemplate. I put on a turtleneck and longjohns, fleece socks, made coffee, and thought about it. Read the paper...full of change. Thought about the projects I'm currently doing...nothing but change. Felt inside for what is really bothering me.

No one died, well, no one in my close circles, today, but someone will. Maybe not tomorrow, but it's gonna happen. Even to me. No one rejected me, no one "broke" my heart, which can't really be broken, just pushed around a bit. In fact, the change is really not even about me. There's more work to be done, work I would rather not do. Yet if there is one thing I am good at, it is work. So that can't be the problem.

Maybe the problem is the nature of the change. Concrete change is one thing. I moved a big rock, one almost too heavy to lift, but I thought about it, rolled it onto my knees as I knelt beside it, and leveraged it into the wheelbarrow with my pelvis. Put it where I wanted it to go by rolling it over. I didn't ever really lift it up, but rather worked with its weight, applied a bit of cleverness to the problem. Got that sense of satisfaction for a concrete, tangible task well done. So, problem solved: effective change.

But the messier stuff, the people changes, those are harder. What kind of work do you apply to changes involving large groups of people? You almost never get to wade in and start sorting things into piles and assigning tasks to dependable do-ers who will not bother you until their tasks are finished and they need more to do. People changes can't be done by one person applying physics. So what is required?

Patience. You don't know all of the effects of the change when you are entering it, so you will have to wait as more is revealed, clarified, and the tasks you can take up are identified. You might want to remain calm and in a receptive mode while you watch things unfold a little. Panic is resistance. Resistance is pain. Have you noticed when you get an injury that it hurts a lot more when you are scared? Calm down, get some ice, take some ibuprofen, sit down for a minute and let your thoughts slow. Maybe you're okay. Put on your longjohns and close the window. Go to bed early and look forward to a glorious sunrise.

It's still going to be summer for a little bit. We got our first rain on Saturday and nothing really bad happened, nobody crashed and the world moved on. We took off our jackets and resumed our complaining about the 90+ temps. We can do that innumerable times in a season, and we will. Then we'll go inside for Holiday Market and see the new backdrop mural and see that change is lovely, and worth waiting for.

Practice. You have experienced change or injury before. What worked? Who did you call? What was the first step you took? When you think about it, every action you have taken in your whole life prepared you for this present moment. What are the skills you depend on? I know I have a great capacity for dependability, steadiness, honesty. I can be the rock in a flowing stream, I can stay in one place while all kinds of chaos goes on around me. I may not like it, the chaos may resemble icy cold water, but I know how to be the rock. I can practice breathing, listening, looking around. Maybe I'm missing a tool that I need that is right behind me (okay, I'm not the rock now, I'm the tool-user.) But yeah, you've practiced lots of skills for this, and you have a few tools you haven't even used lately that are still there for you.

Trust. The one thing you can depend upon to happen is change. You have made it this far. Trust yourself to make it a bit farther. There is no reason to think you will fail at this next phase, because you have proven yourself to be a survivor. So, look around at all the other survivors and trust them to stay in the boat and keep rowing. (yes, my metaphors are ranging all over the place today, like a little herd of mismatched goats.) (As if goats can match.) There are lots of people who care just as much or even more than you do, and will bring their skills to the tasks. Some of them will even be concrete tasks, not messy ones, and you will find one that suits you and makes it easy for you to help.

Allow. Just because something was not your idea or doesn't fit into your plan, within your resistance you still have the power to open to the change and find the silver lining. You aren't being asked to love the change, just allow it to happen. Don't stand in the way. Be the rock but don't put yourself right in the middle of the road. Don't divert the stream unless you really want the pond that will develop. Let things flow.

Love. An over-used word with too many meanings, but here I intend it to be the antidote to fear. The opposite view, the move around the immovable object that abandons the use of irresistible force and just is. Just look at the problem and think about what it would look like, what it would feel like, if you really got behind it and saw it as the best thing that ever happened. That's a big stretch sometimes, but it reminds you that there is a spectrum of emotion you can apply, and you will do better down at the love end that you will down at the fear end. For someone, this really is the best thing that ever happened. Or if it isn't, it might lead to the best thing. Or if it doesn't, the next correction might be the best thing. You do not know.

Be curious. Turn anxiety and distress into curiosity. What will the change bring? Something unexpected could develop. You want to be able to see it and hear it but if you are not listening and noticing, you might miss it. You might keep going down a hard road when right next to it is a softer path. You might miss some joy while you are busy being angry or grieving or crawling into bed early with your turtleneck on.

Show Up. Isn't this the biggest rule? You have to be present. The change will happen, and it might hit you harder if you aren't there experiencing it when it happens. You might have to add the emotions of missing out, not being part of things, being late to the party. There is bonding that happens when people do things together, hope that arises when allies unite to a common goal. We might really need your skills to apply to this. Be there.

And then. What? Know when to stop writing? Know when to keep quiet and think some more? I'm no expert. This particular change that is driving this post is still sitting in my stomach as anxiety. My heart isn't hurting yet. I think I'm not allowing that. I cried for a minute, but that was relief when I realized I knew what to write about this morning. I know the cure for my stomach is to get up and get to work. Eat some comfort food to make sure it isn't hunger and to sooth the little girl inside, and take a look at today's list. All those items on it will stay on it until energy is applied to them. More items are coming to add to the list. Do one of the ones near the top, or a lot of little ones to make it shorter. Get to work.

That's my sage advice for the day. Soon you will know what I am referring to, and you will join me in taking the first steps to solutions. Take the ones you can take, and don't worry. Don't worry about a thing. All will be well. That is written.