Working it Through

OK, I give up. Feeling so much irrationality I've been trying to stay quiet, but the writing helps with grounding me, so here I am. Way too many things to write about, and the idea is not to increase the anxiety but to lay it to rest.

I was in the running for Mayor of Curmudgeonland yesterday. Had a low sales day, right when everything in my life seems to be about money and how to make it work for me so I can get my goals aligned. It was humbling to remember how it feels; one of my friends even had a zero day going until I gave him a pity sale. I was thinking about buying one of his wonderful items but was trying not to spend anything...but no one deserves a zero day. I love what I chose and am so glad I bought it.

Went to the farmers to get some cherries to make me feel better: sold out. No fruit to be had over there after two yesterday. Drat my holding-onto-my-money impulses. Went to Dana's for my fave, German Chocolate: sold out. Got plain pound cake but had a plan.

Probably over 500 pounds on my bike cart

Hauled my excessive tonnage of handmade glory home, them forced my poor aching foot into the evening garden for my first crop of black raspberries for the season, managed to rummage up an entire pint of strawberries that the jays had missed, cut open the mango I feared rotten, which was still good, and still had a bit of goat ice cream in the freezer, which is not as hard on my dairy allergy as the cow version.
Had to sit down with an icepack on my foot to hull the strawberries, but put in a movie and had the most sublime dessert. Cried at the movie, enjoyed the fading of the stressful, windy day, and now it is a new one with all new potential.

I do love how balanced my load is

It was quite a week. Went to the historic meeting of the City Council and County Commission to support the farmers' plan for downtown expansion. It's the best idea they've had and I'm definitely in favor of the concept of leveling the butterfly and spreading out the farmers. I wanted to see the politicians in action and put names to faces and there was a lot of lettuce to think about afterwards. The development community was there to keep control, the bogus "Market district" trying to keep a finger on whatever the plan might be. I'm no longer optimistic, but fortunately that big meal isn't really on my plate. My farm job is just to bring the tote bags downtown and be supportive to the farmers that feed me. I'm quite happy to be out of the loop on the bigger issues.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about how a for-profit business run by millionaires gets so much city support when a non-profit incubator that keeps hundreds of poor artists alive has to struggle to keep our boat afloat, but that would certainly fill the page and up the anxiety level. Another day. I could also talk a lot about the big Mall of the Woods in which I hope to make my fortune next month and all the ins and outs of that, but those issues are also set aside while I work my skinny arms to the bone for awhile. This is supposed to be my day off, such as I have this time of year.

I did get all into my "nobody loves me" deprivation issues yesterday as I watched everybody else's shirts walk by and all those people with too much to carry who didn't want to spend even $5 on my offerings of affordable, durable and beautiful bags. It's always surprising how close to the surface those childhood issues are for me. It's mostly the overwork that brings up so many fears. I can't make my body do what I need it to do, increasingly. My foot hurt almost all day long. My back and left side are really a mess. I still have weeks of too much to lift and do and not enough time to recover. I remember how this goes when I stay in the patterns that don't work. The end result is surgical and I'm determined to change that.

How do I balance it all? Had a good exchange about people-pleasing with a customer who couldn't find a satisfactory hat, even though I brought the fourth tub with the smaller and larger hats. My neighbors Raven and Tim are always helpful with the universal messages and advice on how to counteract the errant thoughts. Focus on what is good, stay in the moment, be happy for others the way you would like them to be happy for you. Every day cannot be my day. I do so well most weeks, I think of myself as *above average,* which can be a trap. Selling is most certainly much more fun than not selling. I got into control issues, calling the crew to clean up some unfortunate vomit (lots of people on crutches from too much summer, one who couldn't manage her medications, and then there was the drunk with the shopping cart...) I had too many awkward conversations and was too focused on what everyone else was up to. It's better if you just keep handing me money, folks, keeps me out of trouble. Also alive.

Yet the day before, I scored a maple table and set of chairs from my neighbor's basement, a better set of furniture than I have ever owned. I can actually send some of the things I have to the dump and upgrade, getting furniture way more valuable than anything I would have bought. Isn't that abundance? Don't I have a wonderful garden and a fantastic place to live, and a lifestyle I can support rather easily for an oldish lady?
In a few hours I went from happy as can be to feeling like a failure. Am I really that fragile?

No, of course I am not. This is the anxious time of year, when I have to take risks that do have a high probability of paying off. I get irrational but have the self-awareness now to recognize the emotional states and know how to ease them. I rarely can be pushed all the way off my center, and I'm not there yet at all. Just feeling the potential.

Table and chairs

Turn around. Feel the other things, the softness of the summer, see the glorious colors, watch the blue jays as they carefully bite tiny pieces off the cherries, right through the nets, until they can pull the rest out and gobble them up. (Note to self: it is not worth it to net the cherry tree for seven cherries, no matter how delicious they were.)




I have to get my solitude today before I immerse in another week. I have to rest my body and not try to move that tabletop and do a profit and loss and balance sheet and assure myself that the plan is a good one. I have to get my wonderful peach design finished and print my exceptional bags and be ready to succeed. I can do all these things and more. I can stop trying to put obstacles in my own way and just keep my nose to the grindstone, smelling the wonderful aroma of good meal as it comes from between those millstones. Don't scorch it by trying to grind too fast! My blueberry design seems to be a dud, because I went too fast to get it done to have the bags ready for no one to notice. That's the stuff I want to prevent.

Everything is going to be all right. As I biked home on Broadway I started singing the Pharrel Williams song, echoing the flash mob I saw on Facebook, which took place Friday in front of the Red Wagon Creamery. I AM happy like there is no roof. I live in a wonderful town. I love and am loved. I am a good hard worker who can roll with whatever happens. I can take calculated risks and succeed or roll with whatever happens after that. It will all work out, and I'll keep learning, keep trying, and keep having my good days. Next week will always be amazing.


So there we are, I'm now ready for my "day off" such as it is in June. I already have another crop of black raspberries and Tuesday there will be more cherries. I saved a piece of pound cake for today. Kim made *Curmudgeon City Council* the Find of the Day, so the potential is definitely there. I'm ready for Tuesday because when you don't sell much you don't have to make more. There are actually some good amounts in the Accounts Receivable column.

Back view

Best part is how well it turns around in the space for easy unload.

Hope you are all having a fabulous weekend. I think it's time to move the stationary bike out to the deck so I can finish my novel (Sarah Canary by Karen Joy Fowler) while I ride. I'll dust off my new chairs and put a free sign on something else. I'll talk to my mom when we have our usual Sunday call. Be well!