Weddings and Lists

My son is getting married! I'm getting pretty excited about it, and had a laugh on myself yesterday when I noticed the visual representation of my response. We haven't even met to discuss their plans, and preferences, and ideas, and dreams, and what they actually want, but that didn't stop me from doing what is pictured here.

My dependable organized self started a list, with a calendar, and every little detail I could think of, in sort of priority order. With a big space at the bottom labeled "My role." None of these are filled in, because I am telling myself very strongly to keep quiet until asked! This is not about me! They get to design and choose the wedding they want.

My equally dependable creative self just drew out a monogram for them, practically without trying. Their first initials fit together unusually well. The two of them fit together unusually well, too. I think they will have a very successful and happy marriage.

And I'm sure their wedding will be perfect for them, and I will be able to juggle this desire to keep everything in neat lines and columns. I recognize this pattern of control, this desire to make sure everything in my life is neatly ordered and archived.

In all of my organizations, I quickly volunteer to chronicle their meetings, to take notes and compile them, to keep everything on paper and filed in an organized fashion. It's something that feels good to me. I presently take minutes for four groups, and have taken on that role in the Jell-O Art Show as well. It's not just that it feels good, it is that I have this skill set and am happy to offer it to those with whom I am trying to create something. All of them also feed my need to be visually creative, making things for them to sell, things for them to save, things for them to marvel over. I need to see things on paper, in the real world. I love words and letters and love translating ideas and events into clear language. I want to pin down all the details.

It's such a strong life pattern that I usually don't even notice it. It's just what I do. I don't resist it.

In the case of my son's wedding, however, I feel like I have done my work for now, and can now wait for them to express themselves in their fashion. I'm resisting as hard as I can all the emotional stuff surrounding weddings that I am sure it is my duty to impart and maintain. The traditions. The rituals. The trappings of convention and the thwarting of that.

I myself have never gotten married. I was in one 10-year-plus relationship, the one that generated this young man, but we didn't formalize that commitment with a public declaration. There was never a good reason in our minds, and looking back, I see that we didn't have the emotional commitment, though we are friends and all that. The situation was really more about me having a child, which of course I am extremely grateful that we did. We were good partners, but it never felt like we were really building a life together forever.

My son has been here to surprise and delight for 23 years, and this is just another delight. I don't really care about any of the details on that list. I just want them to mark the special day, to celebrate their special type of courage and dedication, and to have the wedding that makes them happy. Whatever I can do to make that happen, as easily as possible, I am here to do.

So I have a list. I expect other people have lists, or items to put on a list at least.I hope they do.

 They want to have their wedding at the Fair, which is a sweet tradition and perfect for them. They met through Culture Jam, an OCF program, and it is certainly part of their beings. John has been home at the Fair all of his life. It represents some of our happiest family times, and we feel very attached there.

Of course I am kind of busy at Fair, selling my wares, but I think I can fit this in. Because it is not my party, and I don't have to be responsible for all or even any of the things on this list (though no doubt I will be, for some.) And really it won't take that long, if we are organized and ready. I hope I will be free enough of work for that stretch of time that I can fully experience it, and concentrate on the joy, the beauty and promise of it, and pack a lot into that momentous occasion.

I'm mostly afraid it will be over too fast, and I'll miss it. I'll put my customers first and my drive to make money and keep that giant aspect of my life under control, and I'll fail to really live inside this happening. It's my only son's wedding. It's a big deal to me, on many levels. First thing I did was call my own Mom, and her advice was good.

But for now, it's just my job to think and feel and do what I need to do to prepare, so here we are. I write and draw and write about that. Since it isn't about me, I want to get all of my stuff out of the way, so I can concentrate on listening to them and hearing what they are willing to tell me. I have to strike some level of being maternal that will fit what they want and what they need. I get to provide something, but I don't yet know just what it will be.

But I do like something to look forward to. Weddings are the fun stuff. You get weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals. We're having way too many funerals these days. It's no wonder I am so excited about this wedding. To Life!