History and the Present of Awareness

 Yes, everything is really crazy out there and people are just trying to maintain some kind of equilibrium and I am no exception. I'm over-consuming news and newsletters I subscribed to, thinking I may get off FB, but that's pretty hard and I am no really close to it yet. I'm not too interested in adding another platform like Bluesky, since I already spend way too much time sitting here at my old laptop.

I am feeling vulnerable all the time so can't really handle many challenges and keep putting off even the seemingly simple things like driving and purchasing things. My vacuum cleaner is broken (I do have a shop vac I could bring in if it were really important) and I've been telling myself to get a new one for a couple of years, but now I don't want to accidentally buy a maga one so am putting it off until at least the economic shutdown day is over. Like apparently a lot of people, I put a hold on discretionary spending when things started to get wild. I might need every penny.

Of course I am not a consumer of much at all, so it isn't hard. I buy food. I use the library and the Little Free Libraries and read things online, though I still get the RG for archiving purposes, even though it is a crazy waste of money. I had to buy things like a new kitchen faucet and new hasps for my shed as someone broke in and stole my little old Burley trailer and my bicycle pump (to fill up the flat tires, duh.) It was over 35 years old but in good shape and I miss it, but I was astonished to see that they did not take my bike, or my big trailer, and I speculated that they had some kind of compassion for me. Probably they just did not want to take anything that could be easily traced. I would recognize the Burley, but couldn't prove anything, so I just let it go and thought about protectionary measures to take. I took some. 

I have always insisted on feeling safe in my home and that involves some denial, but this political situation is going to touch all of us so my anxiety is worse. At least I have tamped down parts of it by withdrawing from volunteering for the most part, and am just giving my time away to the Kareng Fund and the Jell-O Art Show at present. Feels better. Jell-O is the only fun thing in my life really, besides birding and gardening, and it's full on right now. Going to work on the script after this...loosening up my creativity.

Still working on learning how to be better at anti-racism and taking down White Supremacy Culture and it's getting easier to deal with the feelings that always come up. Once I realized that my dad was most certainly more racist than it appeared: he signed a deed with a covenant to get our house in 1956, and we have a photo of him with a soapbox racer he built that sure looks like it has a KKK symbol on it (from like 1934?). I remember him saying things that would definitely sound racist now but he died in 1970 so a lot of what we heard was just Nixon-era bs. But, racist. My Mom was less so, but those times were just shrouded in it. There was one of the last recorded lynchings of the time right near where we lived, in a place I walked by hundreds of times. We knew nothing about it, but it occurred to me recently that probably all of the Black people in the area knew all about it. It has been recognized officially with a sign now so if I ever go back there I will search it out. 

We have plenty here in Eugene of course, in history and in the present, so it's vitally important to keep dissecting it and working on it. I was a tiny bit successful in the pandemic getting groups to at least talk about it, but naturally was shut down repeatedly by other white people who needed to exercise their right to comfort. To me it is important to keep those tenets of WSC in front of mind because they don't just operate in racial situations, they operate in us all of the time. 

They're not easy to deconstruct. Professionalism is one that seems quite confusing, but it is a gatekeeping tactic to exclude anyone who doesn't have higher education or familiarity with the operating rules of whatever group we are in. You criticize their inability to grasp your unwritten rules about conduct, communication, whatever. You insist it is a universal expectation everyone shares, but guess what? You have no idea about all that you are assuming and the restrictions you are putting on their behaviors and words. There is a lot of catering to that one in my world. Also Worship of the Written Word. I am immersed in that one. You can pick up on it when you hear certain people labeled as "articulate" as if that were an innate quality that only certain people have somehow earned or been born with, and others have achieved despite it not being natural to them. Like a badge of honor...or supremacy. 

There's a lot to be worked on and it's a lifetime activity. It's okay to not be perfect at it (Perfectionalism) but there are so many resources it's not okay to not be working on it. Especially right now when "our" country just took a Nazi turn that exposes that we have always been on this exclusionary and sick course. It's less hidden but privilege is always operating and that is sadly part of why I can feel safe, except for being old, and being a woman, which are also strengths I can draw on when I am not afraid. I can still lead, and I still have contributions to make. My fear is hurting the community when I don't operate despite it. Courage is for everyone.

Here's a great distillation and discussion of the fifteen tenets of WSC:  White Supremacy Culture

Reread it often. I get something new out of it every time I dig in. My family on our last zoom started asking me about some things I was doing in DC in 1969 when I was a student and my roommate was the daughter of a high-powered lawyer. They were defending the Chicago Eight and Black Panthers and I actually got to meet and hang out with some of those heroes, even though I was super naive and not even 20 and not educated about it in the least. I made some dumb mistakes but when I look back, I didn't reject any of them of fear them, and in fact I developed this other attitude, which is still racist, but in a different way. I was really attracted to them, fascinated, and wanted their approval. I'm sure this is a common interaction for many Black people and no doubt highly irritating and I still feel it all the time. There's some jealousy in there, since Black culture is so much more developed than my European American one, and I feel the same about Jewish culture. My roommate was also one of the first Jewish people I had ever met...I went to a pretty segregated school system in a suburb in Delaware (yes, my family has met Biden et al) and we just lived in our little (albeit painful) bubble. My dad worked for duPont and had some type of mental illness medicated with alcohol so we had a bit of a fraught childhood. But when I was 19 and 20 I was launched out into the bigger world where I became a political radical and never looked back. Raised Catholic too. Had so many confusing things operating. 

It's not ever really going to be sorted out, no matter how much I write about it or the years of therapy it took just to have a somewhat positive outlook, but I like learning and working on things and just keep journaling and trying. Sadly a lot of it was traumatic so it's hard to revisit. I even threw away most of my first journal so I can't factcheck myself. I had forgotten a lot of details but my little sister happened to be visiting me for the weekend when we had dinner at the Mayflower Hotel with some of these important people (and no doubt many more I did not recognize) and we got chased by the mounted cops who erupted from behind the Washington monument at the demo the next or previous day. She was only fourteen at the time...mostly I remember being horrified that I had endangered her. Guess we learned a lot that weekend.

Lots of things. I don't really enjoy going back over them and can't really read other narratives of that time without huge discomfort, but someday I will do some research and see what I can document. There could have been photos of that dinner. There are also people I could contact if I want to.

But anyway, here it is the end almost of Black History Month and next one is Women's, right? More. those liberation movements were effective and that's one reason we have this current backlash, which is a mild term for this insanity we are going through. I still feel like I can read my way out of it. I hope that is a little bit true. I know I will be asked to do a lot more though, by my conscience if nothing else. I will try. I will keep trying as long as I live, and that is not nothing.

The Curse of Interesting Times

Oh my gosh, things are wild. Everyone knew it would be bad, but of course not this bad! In my life there is plenty of microcosm/macrocosm stuff happening at the same time, which is just extra frightening, but also helpful.

It's not that hard to feel it when your free speech rights are threatened. Attempts are being made to keep me from having contact with other members of my organization, specifically the Board. We watched this at OCF, when instead of each individual Board member's email being available, it changed to a gatekeeping email that was controlled by the ED. As far as I know, no policy was written that said members could not contact their Board members, it just became less open and transparent and the members had less access. If they could get those emails, they still had access, but they were controlled to one step away. Seemed benign enough but it wasn't. It was part of a control structure designed to shift freedom to a smaller group of members, and take it away from the larger group. The same justification was used as what's happening now: the members are "mean" and staff needs to be protected from them. Do you know anyone who is mean? Okay, maybe a couple of people, but is the problem they don't feel their needs are being addressed? Listen to what they are saying without just dismissing them.

 I've been receiving emails telling me to stop emailing a list of members that includes the Board, which are vaguely threatening. I know there is not policy. I know I have free speech rights. I know as keeper of the archives that I have lots of  resources that members and Board members need. After 50 years I know what is good and not for my member organization. I know gatekeeping is a bullying tactic to control free speech. So yeah, that is happening. I'm mostly ignoring it. I've been pressured to allow "facilitation" of my archiving project, that I stepped up to do about ten years ago, and have invested hundreds of hours in, plus my own money. I don't need anyone controlling it. Volunteers like me do big things when they are supported, not controlled. I've expressed what I need in support, but it hasn't materialized. When I share materials, I am questioned as to my "authority" regarding the materials. Are they "official"? Um, what does that mean? It's a surprising definition that is new, referring to the higher level of control over member-generated materials. Now they have to go through the gatekeeping system to be shared.

The Board is struggling because of inadequate training materials and neutral information providers to be able to make sensible, informed decisions. The erosion of member rights that started in about 2015-2016 has gradually led us to a place where members do not know what their rights are, and are afraid to speak up. The procedures that are in place direct them to contact the staff or Board Chair but if they do not feel safe or confident that their concerns will be addressed, they have no other options unless they are free to contact other members. Members being sanctioned for speaking to other members is happening. Letters are being withheld from Board members or delayed from being addressed unless they are edited, or they're just not being shared in an attempt to marginalize the input of particular members. Vague terms are used such as "protocol," "improper" and "inappropriate" which are subjective and meant to intimidate. I'm not having it.

People just not accepting unfair practices are popping up all over, and in the macrocosm, of course, it is obvious what the threats are and how serious they are. Will enough people in the microcosm see and hear what is happening and stop the direction of the oppression of members? A few are seeing it, and more are feeling it, though they are still fearful of being sanctioned.

With the new rule that a member's rights can be terminated with only four anonymous complaints, all members are at risk. The rule does not specify a timeframe...over years, in one year, in a lifetime? Can all of the complaints come from one person? Do they have to be a member, too? If three people sign on, is that three complaints, or still just one? Can staff use it as a tool to ban members they dislike for various reasons? What happens if you don't comply? I don't think I have to answer these questions. I've seen many, many instances where a member gets more than four complaints. The people who made and sold the sand-filled animals got regular complaints filed against them and went into Standards to prove they made them, more than four times. Jewelers often file complaints when they see the many violations possible in the world of jewelry. Anonymous complaints are necessary, in some cases, but they are also dangerous. Not everyone is on the same ethical page.

I know at least two members who got the book thrown at them for not being satisfied with staff actions regarding a load-in problem caused by staff. A number of us witnessed the incidents and the conflicting narratives that were pushed that resulted in the suspension of longstanding practices and nothing created to solve the problems. Members were just pressured not to talk about it to each other. A false narrative was pushed by a misled Board member and the Board took responsibility for crafting a solution for an operational problem that is not one they need to be asked to solve. They do policy. Staff does operations. I watched all of it, and I understand what was underneath it, but that does not make it right and it was handled really badly.

It's shocking to me every time that manipulation and gaslighting prevents the transmission of our huge treasury of institutional knowledge. I've been keeping extensive archives since 2009 when I came back to the minutes-recording task. As Secretary for 15 years I tried hard to make sure every piece of business or culture was retained for the public record and archival use of members and the public. Our history is the city's history, even the state's. Saturday Market is for everyone, for the community, and not just the community of members. We can have two community members on our Board...they don't even have to be paying members. We have always tried hard to be open and inclusive to the maximum degree.

It's complex how we do that, of course. We don't necessarily benefit from news coverage of our internal struggles, so we tend to try to handle them internally. It isn't ideal when our members get frustrated and think going to the media or City Council will help them get their needs met. But if we are not open to our members and dedicated to making sure their needs are met, they will go public. 

In the recent case of the harassment and termination of a member, who runs a highly popular and productive food booth, it started because she was just not having it when the coercive gaslighting and manipulative tactics began. Many of us with histories of being bullied have quick and decisive self-protection mechanisms in place, and we have learned to refuse bullying. We recognize the tactics right away. We draw our boundaries. Instead of the mentoring and organizational support for a new food booth, she was subjected to control and domination tactics designed to force her to comply to new regulations and procedures that members had not had input into, except a select few who were convinced it was the right thing to do. I protested at that time, as an officer, that our history showed that this was a bad idea, and that there would never be 100% compliance from our members on any kind of decree from the top. I know us. We've always been anti-authoritarian and it's a good thing.

But then a little campaign was begun to push out the elders from leadership roles. A letter was put out by one member that said all the old people should get out of the way and let the younger people lead. There were only five or six older people in leadership roles, and we knew we were the targets. Of those people, there is now only one left on a committee, and none in leadership roles. In subtle ways we were hustled out. Everyone was gaslighted to think this was a natural process and not one of coercion. Sorry, I saw it and felt it. I stayed in as long as I could but it was stifling and people stopped listening to me. I tried to sit aside and let some terrible decisions go by, sometimes speaking from the minority, sometimes objecting to the tactics. It didn't work, and the personal cost was high. I resigned last fall from my leadership roles and have now resigned from contracting, (recording and screenprinting services) and most of all, I have resigned from doing the staff's work for them.

I spent countless hours doing tasks that were in the job descriptions of staff, trying to hand them back with the transmission of why they were historically done in certain ways, and set good examples of how to do them well. I wrote several complicated grant applications (dozens of hours) to assist staff in bringing in needed income. I attempted to launch a merch program which failed. I proposed a community event to strengthen our alliances with other nonprofits and city agencies and community partners, but it was handed to a tiny committee to organize without sufficient organizational event management. It didn't have the desired effects. I had to give up being the liaison between members and staff and the city in construction projects as I was cut out of getting direct information from the city and when I gave out the information I did have, to members, I played the fool when it was incorrect and inadequate. The whole loss of spaces to the storm drains was mishandled by both the city and two sets of managers, and all I could do was apologize to the membership and end my role.

Step by step I pulled out and put up my boundaries to the manipulation and coercive tactics. I tried to keep a low profile and not blow things up in a destructive way. I kept my justifications private and allowed others to collect their own experiences and data. But then when the terminations started to be inevitable, I had to start giving archival information for the common good.

I was astonished to see how much things have eroded since only 2021 and 2022. I feel compelled to help despite my better judgement. I refuse to engage directly in power struggles with a bully, but I have experienced retaliation and expect more. I am a resource for the organization, and anyone who knows how I have operated in the 50 years I've been a member can see how useful I have been.

I lead from the middle. I am committed to allowing consensus, truth and honest actions to proceed, even when I don't agree with them. I gave up on the cancelling of the November market, as I was in the minority after a managed campaign to eliminate it. It hurt the bottom line, as no one attended much in November and now people are taking their vacation month in October so that month has become less profitable. I knew that building up the member numbers without having enough access for them on regular Saturdays was going to create a large body of minimally committed members who would get discouraged and go away. I know why we don't budget for growth, as it is a mixed blessing. I know all about what staffing levels should be, how nepotism hurts the other staff, how to avoid a staff/member opposition. I know how members react to tightening of standards and policies unless they are given chances, lots of chances, to give input and speak about their needs. We have always worked hard to improve member services, access, community building, and diversity in every way we can see to do it. And we have always depended heavily on the volunteer participation to do it, welcoming disagreement while we built consensus in order to find the "elegant solution" in the middle of the round table.

We've just been going in the wrong direction with the wrong leadership for the times. The macrocosm is speaking directly to us and we had better listen. We have a lot at risk. During recessions and times of job loss, we get more members who can be desperate to make a living. It's not the time to be quibbling over perfect compliance to controlling rules and policies and procedures. It's time to be working in honest good faith to stay out ahead of our developing problems and be ready for change.

We stand for excellent values and the larger community depends on us. We are the community gathering and the business incubator and the joy in the center of town. So much depends on  the health of our tiny little nonprofit. We must hold ourselves to the highest standards of behavior, compassion, empathy, and right action. We must have better leadership that understands who we are, and how we got that way.

So don't let our Rubio take over our archives, or our Musk take over our finances. Don't let our Bondi restrict our freedom of speech. Let's be careful with our precious organization that so many of us depend on for our future and present lives. Listen to your elders. Open yourself to bringing the energy and new ways of thinking along into the traditional structure for the best of all worlds. Please.