Another Week, Another Meeting or Four

I suppose it's time for an update...so much has been happening. I'm busier than I want to be, and tired, and don't know when I'll get a real day off. I take a few hours now and then, read some short stories, do housework or yardwork because that seems like fun compared to people stuff. People stuff is so hard sometimes.

Got to go to a big meeting. I had to laugh at myself because I thought it would be with some politicians, and I had to talk myself out of being intimidated. It wasn't too hard; I knew I didn't have any professional clothes but I remembered I'm an artist, so I could wear artist's clothes. I have lots of those. I know the mayor a little, and she doesn't intimidate me at all, so I thought I would just use that to act big around the guys in suits.

When we got to the meeting it was not the officials but the staff, but it was the top staff. After I got over my disappointment I realized that it was actually better to meet with these people. They are the ones who get the projects done, who work together to make successes and give the politicians what they need to make the best decisions. These people were managers, and I'm a manager, so felt right at home with them. In my thinking about these issues it has always been in front for me that everyone needs to know who we are at the Market, what kind of people artisans are and what we need and feel, so that if decisions are made that will involve us, they will be well-informed decisions that will actually work for us.

So I took copies of the Saturday Market history as written by Lotte Streisinger and I took maps of how we use the Parks, and all of our promotional materials so they could see our presentation. I took brochures of the Kareng Fund in case any of them were looking for a way to support us with their high-level salaries. Not really, I just wanted them to see that we were thoughtful enough to have started an emergency relief fund. I wanted them to see how well we help ourselves, to see our independence and our identity.

I put the materials in my little tote bags that I have made for me, the ones we sell with the Saturday Market logo and "I buy local" on them, and mine that say Eugene, Oregon and Oregon with the ferns. I wanted them to see how well we promote where we are and all that we have to offer. All of these things were wonderfully received. They were very interested in the history, as if it were a missing piece they had been looking for all along. It does say almost all that is needed to understand us, the artisan culture.

The history needs an update and I want to do that someday, but everything that we were founded upon is still very relevant and it's all there in one document. It told about how the farmers were part of us. We didn't, in the meeting, elaborate on the many ways farmers have changed their organization since leaving our midst, but we made our point that we were two separate organizations with quite different goals. I said it wasn't one of our goals to grow, for instance. We tend to grow in lean times, when the economy is bad and there aren't many jobs. In better times, the artisan life doesn't have as much appeal as a paycheck with benefits to a lot of people. Their creativity goes back into the hobby arena and they go to work in offices and stores. But that's just one of the specific ways we differ from LCFM.

So we made some points, let them see us more clearly, and I hope it gave them some guidance for the tasks they are assigned. They kind of wanted to know what might happen if the land swap didn't go through, and probably were aware of what came out in the paper today, that the Skinner descendants will contest it. It's not clear if the Skinner descendants even know the farmers want that block, though I'd guess they must. They just don't want City Hall on it, I guess, and might be fine having the County Courthouse on it, but I don't get why they wouldn't think the farmers would be the proper use of it. Maybe they are also fighting the Public Market concept, but I don't know.

I noticed in an article on Portland Food that they are building something called the James Beard Public Market in Portland, and remembering the Boston Public Market and the one down on Fifth Street, I expect this is just a trendy development concept, a way to get a mall built in a more upscale fashion, filled with trendy upscale stores selling expensive foods and gifts. It's certainly not something we need on the Park Blocks, so I can see how I will agree with their opposition if that is at the base of it, but I kind of like the idea of City Hall over there with the farmers in front in a nice plaza.

But of course we have now made it clear that Saturday Market is what it wants to be and won't be buying into any development concept. We need to be quaint and keep that link back to the commons and the market where the sheep and wool were sold and the potters came and the scribes would write a letter for you to your relatives in other countries and towns. We don't want to get modern and upscale. We want to be there for our poorer artisans just starting out or struggling to survive health crises. We want to be there for that direct connection between artist and appreciator. I think we got that message across in the meeting and I think we might be able to get that across to our city in the next weeks and months.

Because our next challenge is upon us. The Project for Public Spaces is coming to placemake our town, and lots of people are going to speak up about what they want for downtown open space. It won't be about Saturday Market or the farmers, but we are some of the experts on what is really going on in the open space downtown. I can tell you that I see things, especially on Tuesdays, that you might not want to know about down there. Some of it is a little heartwarming, as there is some community being formed in the Parks, but most of it is more on the perplexing end of things. Are the people who live in the parks really out of better choices? Some of them must be, but some of them are addicts and pleasure-seekers who just want no responsibilities and to live off what they perceive is the surplus of society. They don't seem to care if that is a result of the hard work of others, and that conversation is getting harder and harder to have somehow.

I'm hoping it will get easier to have. I'm hoping that some of the ways people are being so divisive and violent to each other will ease after the upcoming election, when the haters don't win and good hard-working people get a little boost of gratitude for each other and mutual appreciation. I do hope it works out that way.

I still am having a lot of issues with leadership and collaboration and am not quite over the difficulties it brought, but it has felt like a productive few weeks on many fronts and some things have gotten easier. I like local politics quite a bit more than national and feel that I can indeed make a contribution, and must, but it is hard to put in the time. It's a struggle to get paying work done with so much volunteering, so lots of things like dishes and cleaning are not getting done. Writing this was not happening...it's hard to form coherent paragraphs when you're sleepy and just want to watch stupid TV or doze with a book.

I sat down to type some minutes and now it's too late for tonight so it will have to go onto the next time-off interval. I figured it would be nice to get back to my readers with a reassuring message though. Making change is a hard, slow process that is really a dedication to steady effort, not a passionate flare, however empowering that may be when needed. Whatever gains I made were tempered by the pain that came along with them...and the net gain will not be recorded. It's already in the past, and was at best a slight reorientation easy to minimize at this point. People who were with me are still with me. Those who weren't still aren't. Maybe a couple of people got some points...maybe they didn't.

But anyway, we have another task force and a good and important task, so we'll just keep working. As Vi is known to say, All Will Be Well. We know that is true, mostly, and anyway, that's the direction we're going.

The Illusion of Choice

That's our modern condition. I just watched a Facebook spot about the fact that almost all eyeglasses and their delivery systems are owned by the single company Luxxotica, and read in the paper how Monsanto and Bayer are merging. We all know this is how things are going in the giant world of conglomerates. It's the kind of cultural thing that people feel helpless about it and even when "Adam Ruins Everything" tells us the facts, we tend to kind of file that away and keep going as usual. Extrapolate that to climate change, politics, and you can make your own list of the ones you choose to live uneasily with. I have to buy glasses.

Boy that has an effect on our psyches, though. I'm reading what is for me a heartbreaking book, the new novel Barkskins by Annie Proulx, which is a book so well written I can only hope to understand its structure and the expertise she has applied to literary fiction. It's character after character through hundreds of years, and we watch development work through their lands and lives and see how helpless they are to prevent losing what they treasure, how they participate it for smaller reasons of their own. I think we accept that as a condition of our human lives now...instead of things getting better and better, we will lose piece by piece until we are left with nothing. Maybe that's just age talking. I've seen some sad situations lately that underscore why people say things like love is all that matters.

There's very little else you have control over but a slice of your emotions, and choosing love is a pretty good adaptation to that if you can hold onto that illusion. I let my cynicism loose on love, having tried on lots of forms of it and come up lacking in skill and expertise to keep that glamour drawn over that hard reality. Honesty always forces me down into realism and I see romantic thinking and wishfulness underneath, and to me it looks quite thin. Not that I think you shouldn't keep working on it. It really is all that matters, because bringing love to the human situations is the best we can do to get through them. Giving up on that doesn't give us much in the salvage pile.

I admire people who can form a solid partnership and draw strength from it. Must be such a comfort. I see it kind of like religion, something that feels real and makes you feel strong, strong enough to keep going and keep trying and rest easy when there is nothing else to try. You hold the person's hand and get some peace and safety there. You promise each other, and hope you can keep the promises. Everyone should have that comfort, because life is hard, but alas. Lots of us don't.

I like to say your cynicism won't protect you. My cynicism does me no favors, but if anything is my religion, it's honesty, and I can't seem to get my cynicism out of my honest calculations. So my trust is compromised. I don't feel as safe as I'd like and I hardly trust anyone...really deep down. I trust people who are really honest with me, who are humble enough to not be prone to drawing the glamour veil over whatever is between us. I trust hard workers who speak directly and look within before they cast about for blame. I do have such people in my life, thank goodness. I have others who work toward that. Then there are plenty who don't get it and don't want to and don't want me to bring it up. Be positive! Assume the best!

Sometimes, I suppose, honesty is not the best policy. Maybe it's the base of a slightly rose-colored version of the concept or impulse or thought and maybe the cheery exterior is helpful. This is getting a little too theoretical to check for fact...what exactly am I talking about? I'm afraid to say.

Unleashing my cynicism isn't going to get my community through the hard times we're in. All of my artisan communities are having problems with our realities...maybe not huge problems, maybe mostly our normal problems: attacking our leaders, losing perspective, letting our selfish sides out, saying things without thinking of the possible effects, hurting each other, trusting the wrong people. Trying to keep the love spread over it all when the glamour has some spiky nails poking through is a constant effort. OCF just went through another huge upheaval which is how decisions seem to have to be made in the age of Facebook and too many people to fit in a room. It gets ugly but a few key people always know what to say...and lots of people are still able to listen. Love for each other can certainly be a deep and real emotion.

Obviously the TV and music offerings of our day have given us some terrible examples of how to behave and how to treat each other, with the glorification of the thug culture and "getting mine" and we all see every day ways that well-meaning, good souls are taken advantage of, crushed, and ruined, by desperate, blind predators who have no idea why or what they are doing, thrashing through their pain. I don't think it has ever been different really, but when the population was smaller and we didn't have media so entertainment-oriented, it was less obvious and in our faces. We could live in our illusions and get away with it. It's harder now to do that. I was walking home last night after dark and passed a few people...no one scary, though I've had the habit of crossing the street to avoid passing large men as a rule. Last night I didn't, so I took a closer look at the dark shapes and worked with gut feelings, and everyone was cool. People were walking their dogs, exercising, smoking, or just going somewhere like I was. Some were afraid of me, with my backpack, bag of bread, roll of posterboard falling out of my open pack. I looked awkward, and I actually tripped on the sidewalk and fell on my face, cursing loudly. Damn fucking sidewalk. I guess I wasn't lifting my feet enough. The worst aspect of it was no one came to help me. I didn't need it, and there wasn't anyone close enough anyway, but I thought that if they heard my loud cursing and saw my confusing load of stuff, they wouldn't come near me. They would back away, because I would look like a drunk or someone else who could be dangerous. I felt that loneliness of having pain that no one cared about.

I got some scrapes and bruises but am fine and made it home, but I did remind myself that the universe likes to send me lessons (how I draw my glamour veil) and here was one about judgement and stereotyping. Everyone who falls down deserves a helping hand. The poor woman who was arrested behind the Tuesday Market had spent her morning desperately weeping, spreading her damp clothing and towels out on the rock walls in her cubby, and she deserved better than to have her belongings put into black plastic bags and hauled away. Who knows if she will recover any of them, or need to? Maybe that's what people on the street expect now, but what I expected was that some of the people who watched this happen might gather them up and put them back into her pack and save them for her...I wanted to do that myself. No one did. I saw another person spend the day doing personal grooming of all kinds, trying to hide herself by the same wall and pretend she had privacy, in the privacy of her black hoody and pants. A hundred people saw her and ignored her, and she ignored all of us. My gut drew me so strongly to give her something, money, food, a word, something...but I did not. We exchanged a glance or two, hers suspicious and defiant (I imagined), mine full of dismay and indecision. I didn't want to invade the little privacy she was trying so hard to create.

I told myself to be careful, to be cautious, to keep working and not take on things that were not my business. Down the street at the federal courthouse were hundreds of people not being cautious, speaking out and supporting our kids who are working for climate change repair. I know people are working for homeless advocacy too. I know lots of people are working hard for exactly what I want: less judgement, more justice, finding safety and privacy for those who can't buy it for themselves, helping. Giving the comfort of a hand and a partner to those who don't get that, aren't successful at arranging that for themselves.

So I have a lot of work to do. We discussed how to be a good partner at the Task Force yesterday, and it helped a little, and we worked together very well to take some steps together as a membership to articulate our position and protect our needs. I'll keep the veil over my cynicism but it hasn't alleviated in the least. The set up has been deliberate and the deal is laid out, and it's not like we have any real power when millions of dollars are on the table. We have the illusion of choice. We're going to make the most of it.

We're going to assume the best, and step our way carefully into the inevitable and keep doing what we can to use our own crayons to color it good for us. I can't tell you all will be well, that it will be what you want. No one knows exactly how these downtown developments will play out in detail, but they will play out. It will be "what the community wants". Let's just hope that it isn't all what the development community wants. Let's keep working and bringing in our people and putting forward our vision of what our alternative community wants, too. We are an important cog in the wheel. There's no way to stop the train, but we can keep helping to draw the map, and keep working on ourselves and our friends and neighbors to make the best choices we can. Whether we like it or not, we are all in this together, and it is where we are. Fear less, love more.

Farmers' Feelings

I got the feedback on my dark post that I seemed to be bitter about farmers and I think that is somewhat true and not what I intended. I have a long and complex history with the farmers that goes all the way back to my start at Saturday Market in 1975.

I will likely never be able to tell or even write that history, because some of it is shameful and most of it is speculation and opinion with lots of untellable facts. So while I wish I could, I can't explain my complicated feelings about their organization.

I sell with them at Tuesday Market, and I shop there and at Saturdays every single week. I remember participating in a survey way back that asked how much I spend...it was a shocking amount really. My food purchases are not frugal; that's one area where I seldom look at prices and buy whatever I think I need or want and I try to always eat organic and healthy food with as much effort as I can put into it. So I am deeply grateful for the LCFM and all they bring to me, personally.

As Park Blocks neighbors they are vital to us. Our Market was always based on the availability of healthy food grown and made locally and that won't change. We as a community feel that they are a part of us and we generally wish for their success and prosperity.

That is, whenever it is not at the expense of ours. The history that I won't articulate includes times when our love has been tested, and we have tried hard to hold off judgement and wait and see how things play out, and in most cases things are fine. The beer garden turned out to be no problem as soon as they figured out that a local small producer was better than a local giant, and right now it seems perfect. I have never witnessed a drunk patron causing a problem for our Market and now that artisan alcohols are very popular I can see their wisdom in opening a space for that. They sell all kinds of wines and other alcoholic agricultural products over there and it isn't a problem at all.

That's one idea we were hesitant about and didn't publicly object to, and things went well. There have been lots of those directions that LCFM chose and some had good results and some did not. I objected strongly to the rewriting of history to wipe out the fact that Saturday Market started with the farmers in our midst in 1970 and there is no direct connection from this farmers market to the one started in 1915 and in no sense at all is LCFM 101 years old. But that was just a marketing idea that was badly conceived and very effective and doesn't change the identity of Saturday Market except when people use it to establish us as the little sister to the big brother when it is the other way around. For the record, I still object to rewriting history and will always counter that claim, which they word carefully now but still try to make. Farmers are millenia old but so are artisans so whatever. Always tell the truth.

That big sister role isn't too helpful so we don't brag about it much but it's there in our institutional memory. There are things that happened that were sort of because of that...spreading of wings kind of things and there were times when insulting things were said and done, but it isn't useful to go back and dissect that stuff. What does carry forward is that we remember them and the trust relationship is still strained. The most recent of those were serious and could have been damaging (I'm talking about the 8th St. closure idea) but people held to the higher ground of not getting offended and working together to make things better and organizationally that has always been our position and is today. We want mutual success and cooperation and we want a close relationship.

There are many ways we can help each other and many of those are in place. Tuesday Market is just one successful example when craft booths move in and help the market look full in the transition seasons. LCFM manages their members and SM manages ours. There are issues, but not big ones, and those of us who sell there generally like it. But there are culture clashes between the two organizations, and we usually hold our tongues and defer, or ask our manager to work it out diplomatically when the opportunity arises. A past Board chair and manager realized the essential practice of quarterly meetings between the two and happily that has continued effectively. So we do work together and we can.

So when I say co-managing a space is not possible there are caveats to that. Cooperating is certainly possible and desirable. We could probably explore quite a few areas where expenses could be shared and other things aligned to mutual benefit. The differences in culture are significant though, and are unlikely to change. We've adjusted to the different hours and their choices about HM days and they affect us, but we're still strong enough to succeed within that framework. Their promotions of their market benefit us for the most part, but lately their blurring of our identities is problematic. They've gone from wanting an identity that doesn't include us to one that co-opts us, and I'm not just making that up. Take a look at this video and tell me if you don't see someone holding up photos of my product trying to use it to promote theirs. In what marketing plan is that not unkind at best? We don't operate like that. I'm trying to take the high ground that any publicity is good publicity and remind myself that we show photos of their vegetables in our promotions...but really? They're recruiting our vendors when we are trying to book our own show. This does not appear to be cooperation to me.

But do I call KVAL and bitch? Do I storm over to this guy, whom I see most Tuesdays and complain? Probably not. I write it here in my semi-public soapbox to let a tiny slice of the public decide for themselves. I did mention to him that we viewed their use of "Saturday Farmers Market" as a banner headline for their ads as infringement on our brand...but it's a hard argument to make and I don't argue much. I made my point but I didn't call my lawyer. I feel the same about Holiday Farmers Market, but what can I do? Let's keep going with any publicity is good publicity.

I absolutely love many of the farmers and people I work with on Tuesdays and don't want to ever mess anything up with them. I like that little marginally-lucrative link with them and the public that doesn't find me on Saturdays and I am well aware that I might at any time say the wrong thing and get frozen out. I try not to criticize or bite the hand. I'm cheerful and cooperative and make the best of things. But culturally, time and time again I feel out of my element with them. Go read their handbook and read ours. Even our mission statements are different, and about half of our practices. Lots of our policies are radically different. I support their right to make policies and practices that serve their members and it's none of my business, and I merely observe these things and sometimes reflect on them.

Because you can tell a lot about an organization by the words in the public record. You can research these and it's all there to compare and think about. I trust that the city and county and the people who worked on the CPW study and the PSP placemaking have done that research and made those connections. These are two different animals, these markets that seem so continuous and so much the same. We are decidedly not the same. And that is by design, and has grown from the organizational direction each one has chosen.

And I do not think these should be blurred or combined into a hybrid that serves neither of us. I do not think that it would be a fantastic idea to put us together in any kind of blended space. While that is indeed my opinion it is based on research, experience, and forty years of history. This is now, but it does not cancel out the past. Looking forward, I prefer to stay in reality and not go for attractive concept.

What we have is working now. They need a better space and have asked for it, and if all goes well they will get it. We could use a few infrastructure improvements but nothing needs to change about the Oldest Continuous Weekly Handcrafted Market of its kind. We're pretty proud of that and no one else can claim it. Ever, as long as we keep going.

We also completely love our home in the Park Blocks and while some may dream of space somewhere else like EWEB plaza or wherever, we don't want to move. I can speak confidently for my membership organization on that. We wouldn't mind if the FSP "market" moved, but we don't want the farmers to move either. We sometimes resent how much of our resources go to supporting them with our greater expense for bathrooms, garbage sorting, etc., but their increased outreach for customers and community support hasn't hurt us too much so far. I'd like them to be more sensitive to our needs, but mostly that includes our responsibility to articulate them.

Someone suggested that I could toughen up and start competing like they do and using tactics to match...yeah, but no. When I sat at their Board meetings and took minutes for them, I tried to be a neutral observer and just record, but sometimes I just had to point things out. When they got rid of the percentage and gutted their budget so each one of them could pay less, most particularly the ones who earned a lot, I pointed out a couple of reasons why the percentage was a good thing. It helps you track income, for one, and it fosters ownership. When you are paying a big fee, you care more about how the money is spent and how organizational policies will help you continue to earn on that level. And the flat fee hurts those at the low end and benefits those at the high end. When you pay a small flat fee and pocket more profits, you have less investment in the market. It's another market for you, instead of something you are an integral part of. I personally am always happy to pay a high fee when it is my turn to, and enjoy that I am making it possible for others to build their businesses using our collective fees to help us all prosper. But then I am not making a fraction of what the big booths do at LCFM. And if I call them millionaire farmers, that probably does sound bitter, but I have no wish to be a millionaire and I am not envious in the least. I know how it feels to go from a maker to a manager and it didn't suit me. But everyone gets to set their own life path.

So, bitter? No, I'm not. I'm realistic about who we are on the south side and who they are on the north side. I enjoy them every minute and am always sorry when they close at three, although I kind of enjoy the quiet aftermath that we call "the vendor's hour." I love the farmers (except maybe a couple who don't particularly like me either) and I would say I have a bit of conditional love for LCFM. I certainly appreciate them, and want them close. I do not wish them any lack of success. But I am a bit mindful of their big boots. History still matters. Moving forward into the future is all well and good and we may not be able to escape it, but as I said before, I'm not following them down their road. It's a different branch than the one I'm on. Hopefully we continue to travel in parallel with some nice meeting places along the way.

I do wish I'd been brave enough to go to their dinner a few weeks ago. I'm kind of shy about calling myself one of their community. In addition to getting stronger I could get a bit braver and find a more comfortable place with the farmers. I'll try. Building trust starts over every minute and I'll keep working at it. I hope we all do.

Compassionate Communication in Action

Apparently people were quite disturbed by my zero-dark-thirty late night darkness. We as humans are fascinated by such but frightened as well. I was told that people wanted "the old Diane" back. Ironic. I feel unseen and misjudged, but at the same time vulnerable and strong...all the contradictions and deeply human.

I've written at length about adrenaline patterns and how they work in my brain, and the old Diane is that in spades...I've had this issue my whole adult life, but only now at sixty-six do I feel I have a handle on it. I can go to the dark places and come back, and they don't scare me. What scares me is how little control humans in general have for the brain patterns that drive them, and how much acceptance in people there is for things that can work better but won't without a lot of effort and personal growth.

I'm humbled by mine. If my strong leadership scares you when it comes out, that's because I keep it hidden for a good reason: I'm marshmallow vulnerable inside that strength. One disparaging word, in this case "insinuated" is enough to set off my cascade of hormonal responses. It's terrifying to be that soft. Most of you know exactly what I mean about that underbelly which we all try to keep protected with all our might.

My process is so old for me that I always feel that I have conquered it until it comes up again and I know that I have merely avoided it...and studied the hell out of it to try to learn to not be besieged by emotions that ought to feel normal and easy to handle. I've worked on it diligently for a few decades now and it is way closer to being something I can control rather than fear and avoid. So when I get angry or disillusioned or disappointed, I don't have a problem putting that here, which I consider to be my sacred space where I can say whatever I want and damn the torpedos.

Thank Marko for the Empathy Tent. He is my hero for bringing the work of Marshall Rosenberg and many others to use for the benefit of all of us. I don't know quite how they can work that magic without taking any of it on, but Marko is exceptionally skilled. Yesterday I read a disturbing email right before I started loading up for Market at 6:30 am, after not sleeping well, and my brain took off on its well-worn pathways of fight, flight or freeze. Since I had work to do, I couldn't freeze or escape, so I had to fight, that internal fight to get righted and continue my plans for the day despite feeling that my throat was cut. Yes, that's the dramatic response my brain came up with for being what I felt to be unjustly accused of things I had not done, in defense of people's hurt feelings or confusion or assumptions or whatever drove the criticism. It's not my job to censor others or try to figure out their motivations or even interpret them, it's my job to take them in, process them, and extract what is useful and discard the rest. So although it took all day, I was able to hear the feedback that I was stronger than some people expected me to be, that they were fearful, and that perhaps I could be more collaborative or gentle in my approach to leadership. Helpful feedback, and not meant to derail but perhaps to refine or slow down what I feel is urgent. Points taken; next?

I know what to do about the adrenaline pattern but the steps are tough to enact while working the beginning of a 12-hour day in public in a very vulnerable space. I knew not to respond to the email, or even discuss it until my brain had gotten to the calmer, more rational space. I knew to separate feelings from facts, and I knew to not escalate the cascade by involving yet more people than were already involved. I knew that right or wrong I had to avoid some things: people who would take it and run faster, more caffeine, anything that would make me more vulnerable like alcohol or too much sugar, and so on. The worst thing to do was to add more emotions to the mix, but of course there I was in my community in public with everything out there on display.

So I asked people in my circle to remind me what to tell my brain: things like "I am not in danger. This is not happening now. This is not life or death, and I am a speck on a spot in a tiny corner of the universe and this is not a big thing. I can handle this and have before and soon it will be over and I'll feel better. I am strong and capable. I can get the help I need." I physically shook it off. I controlled myself and tried not even to make jokes about it, which of course I couldn't quite manage but I did pretty well. When one person came to me to talk about it I indulged in a few of my thoughts but made the strong point that now was not the time to respond and he respected that. I didn't get my noon coffee. I drank water and forced myself to eat protein. I tried to reframe, reframe, reframe.

None of what is happening in the bigger world of my community is about someone's feelings, not mine or anyone else's. I feel I have to remind people that your feelings are not facts, and you have to own them and be in charge of them. If you are hurt you are accepting the hurt and it's your job to work deeper and get over it. It is not my job as a leader to protect your feelings.

Of course being a compassionate leader it is within my list of concerns to try not to hurt you. Of course I do try to do that. I hold myself to very high standards as a leader, and honesty is probably my highest ideal. I'll tell you what felt hurtful to me, but I will also work through it to the real meat: was it true? was it helpful in advancing the work we're doing, or was it counter-productive? What must we do to go forward past it?

Thank Marko for the Empathy Tent! I cannot stress enough what having safe space means to me. I took my hankie over there and made myself cry, hard. I did this to dispel the aftermath of adrenaline which is crippling. The sadness, discouragement and depression that can follow is what self-defeat is all about. Not only did I not want to go to Market that morning, I wanted to quit all of my jobs, paid and unpaid, in the service of my Market community. Over the strength of one word and a few sentences of an opinion I disagreed with. That, my friends, is a terrifying level of vulnerability.

And it is my contention that most of us who are sensitive humans are just that soft. One thought expressed in assumption, confusion, or anger can completely derail any number of our fellow humans who are generally just trying to do what we think is best. Of course sometimes we are wrong!

In this particular case, not only did I feel unjustly accused of casting blame, I actually blame myself far more than anyone else. I did not pay enough attention and did not ask enough questions or provide enough leadership when it would have been far more effective. I was lazy and irresponsible. I was selfish and concentrated on my own pursuits rather than being on the forefront watching out for this thing I knew was coming. I didn't question assumptions that rang false. I let down my guard and enjoyed time sitting on my deck when there was important work to do. And I am working to forgive myself for that; I do forgive myself for that. I can't and don't have to do it all. Lots of people are working and available to work to keep things on track and it isn't all about me. At all. That's one of the things I tell myself: this isn't about me.

Our brains are giant and mysterious things and our unconscious and subconscious acts are often unremarkable and sometimes life-changing. My emotional cascade is no one else's problem and I hope no one felt responsible for being instrumental in it or in getting me out of it. I own it. I'm articulating it because that is one of the things I do best.

I"m in this leadership position at this moment because I was asked to be and called to me. I have what is needed to hold it and create space for our community to express itself through me. This is not an irrational taking on of something imaginary and is not a delusion of grandeur or part of my brain dysfunction pathway. This is a brave and honest and full-of-heart thing to do and I know this because at least fifty of my oldest companions in this journey have told me so. I am speaking for them.

So I feel the strength of thousands behind me to make things happen. I'm not giving opinions based on assumptions and I'm not irrational and I'm not carrying a pitchfork in some quixotic windmill tilting. I will not be sidetracked or diminished by the fear of people who don't like the strong leader Diane because they haven't seen her before. You should have seen me on the streets of Washington DC in the 70s. You should have seen me as a single mom fighting to create a safe and abundant home for my son. There is a fierceness in me that I really should not hide. I should bring her out more, but your fears scare me.

Get a grip, friends. Fear is not where we are dwelling and not where we want to be. Fear is what makes us vulnerable and what makes us give up when we don't have to. We are all quivering masses of conflicting emotions and history and misjudgements and we have to be better than that.

So as I cried in the Empathy Tent and shed my confusion and focused, I could dispel the power of that one word and those diminishing misjudgements and regain my confidence and most of my strength. I was able to go to the person who said them and give my assessments of her action, and we got past it. She listened to me, I listened to her, and we hugged as tightly as two drowning sisters in the floodwaters of the drama of life.

We re-grounded and let go and joined again to work together. We can disagree. We can urge caution and we can urge action and we can be strident or hesitant or loud or humorous or ironic or self-indulgent or right or even wrong. What we cannot do is tear each other down and stand in each other's way for fear. Fear is not where we want to dwell. So don't tell me I'm "just" afraid. I know what that feels like.

I am always working for all of us. I am always trying to do my best to hear us all and articulate for us all. This is not just an affirmation but it is an ideal and a goal. I hope and do trust that all Saturday Market volunteers are in that sacred space. I heard from many people yesterday and they all were in agreement with the positions I have articulated. I didn't hear from anyone who disagreed. However, I know you are out there, and maybe you are intimidated by my strong voice. If that is the case, I challenge you to speak up now. Email me at dmcwho@efn.org to tell me, after informing yourself with all of the information I have provided, your thoughts on how Saturday Market should be proceeding through these developments presented by the city and county governments and those they pay to articulate them. If you want the information I will give you everything I have. It's not my opinion. I've been asked to express that, and I have declined, repeatedly, to do so. My responsibility is to the membership, to articulate what our membership wants.

Saturday Market is an autonomous, independent, membership nonprofit with a clear mission and identity that we have built together for almost fifty years. I am carrying that with the utmost care and dedication. This is not about me or anyone else. This is about what thousands have built and care deeply for. I'm taking leadership to articulate.

I do welcome direction, and am trying my hardest to be collaborative and useful and rational and direct. You know me. You actually do see me. I don't have to hide. If I quit it would be a loss for me and for many.

This is not self-righteous irrational grandstanding or any kind of mental illness minor or major. This is thoughtful, heartful leadership. It's not perfect. Let's not hold our leaders to absolutes of perfection, and let's not tear our leaders down. We need all the leadership we can gather. And lucky for us, we have human leaders who can be compelling, strong, and effective. I am only one among many. 

So there is the Sunday morning sermon for this week. Thank you to all the sensitive individuals who offered me compassion yesterday, and there were quite a few who were stellar. Thank you to the darkness that shows us how to recognize the light. Thank you for the words that we need. Thank you for the hearts and souls that we bring so openly to our downtown each week and each day. Let's keep moving toward the better world we all want to live in, as we are continuing to create it. Many thanks.

The Shiny Plan

Damnit, it’s one am and I can’t sleep. The Board meeting went over four hours, and we still had messes to clean up and frustrations to stuff. Feels like we have to go back to 5:15 and start over.

I know when I am being sold a bill of goods. While on the one hand we’re told Saturday Market is the best thing going in downtown, we’re then sent representatives from the county and city to massage us into this deal they say is not done…but it sure felt done. They have a shiny plan and if we’ll only lose our fears (they always try to frame things as me being scared) and move into the future (the present is never good enough to stay in) then we’ll see, things will be even better (and what exactly will be better than the best?). They want us to want this building that we didn’t ask for and don’t envision ourselves in and don’t want. We clearly don’t want it. We told them: we love us the way we are. We’re thriving. Take a close look at us, try to get to know us, see if you can even understand what we have before you try to take it and ruin it.

The farmers want a building, so they can sell in the winter. We don’t want a building or to sell in the winter. The farmers want to be big, have bigger fields, grow more crops, hire more workers, make more money. We don’t want any of those. We want our lives the way we are living them, and our Market the way we built it.

We know these farmers. We’ve known them all this time…they used to be part of us. They split off because they wanted different things, and now they are so very different from us, we barely recognize them. There are still a few, maybe a dozen farmers who still come down and sell, do the work themselves, work like we do, investing your body and your heart in it for your life, not your bank account. Those are the ones I buy from. They might have a worker and they have to have them on the farm, but they want the direct connection to the person who eats their food. They don’t want to hang out with rich people and drink wine. They like work. They can tell me about their onions in a way that makes me hardly want to cut them open, they’re so full of value. They teach me. They give me melons, I give them hats. We’re buddies, but from across the street. Some ought to be on our side, and maybe that is a better plan.

But the millionaire farmers, we’re not the same as they are. We sell in one place, one day a week, not at ten markets a week all over the place. We’re not managing a business with a whole crew of low-paid people to do our work so we can drive around in a nice truck. We don’t have big sheds and equipment and production facilities and value-added products and developers for friends. We're one person businesses, two-person, small families. We're really quite simple but people don't get us. Maybe because we haven't bought into the bigger, better, American growth and prosperity fantasy. We don't want to grow. They told us "change is hard." That's one thing for you: you'll have a next project, another group to meet with. It's my whole life you're thinking about changing.

A membership organization like we are is so rare that people don’t see it. They think we’re a loose collection of people with different goals who meet once a week to sell next to each other, but we are a community. Some of us have been there the whole time, or nearly, almost fifty years together. We had children together, ate meals, mourned our dead. We’re together. We know who we are. We’re not easy to fool. You have to manipulate us carefully to take advantage of us. We have a lot of shared knowledge and history and all kinds of thoughts about ourselves. I've written countless posts about our nuances and the love we create and share. Isn't it weird how people who love you want to improve you? To fit their model?

So we’ve been flattered, and been assured that we’re the important stakeholders that have to be in, or things won’t happen, but the report went to the city and the county before our members got a meeting. They sent a nice facilitator to smooth any ruffled feathers, and he said things like “no decision has to be made tonight, this is just informational” but what he meant was “don’t say no, we know you want to say no, but if you just stay in a little longer this deal will be done and we’ll all be winners.”

We should have said no. We had planned to. We’re willing to let the farmers get their needs met, but we aren’t going to help them pay for it. There’s nothing in it for us that we haven’t been offered before. We saw the old Public Market and how that worked. There aren’t any craftspeople there now, are there? There are only commercial businesses, no handmade crafts. So even though that happened, and is in our institutional memory, well, that wouldn’t happen this time.Those people selling us the plan didn't even know about that, or they would never have called their concept "Public Market."

This building we’re supposed to like, what happens to it that is going to be any different than the one the other farmers’ market died in? I’ve read the book Market Days. They moved the farmers inside, and they really had to push to get them to go there, and it took thirty years but finally the building got sold to someone who said they were going to put in a Rite Aid, and thanks, but you can go now. That was the part of the 100-year history that is conveniently forgotten, the part where the farmers market got killed off for the next couple of decades until we started it up again. So why will this time be different? If the farmers don’t own the building, they aren’t in control.

They told us they would do what is best for the stakeholders, for the community, do what people wanted. That was when we should have said great, do what we want and dial this back. Improve the farmers' site, but not with this. This plan is trying to push us to meet with the farmers, find our common ground, figure out a way to manage this together. We're not willing to manage anything together that takes away what makes us us. You can't put handcrafters with millionaire farmers. And if we don't buy into the plan, will they still do what is best for the community? Will they fill it up with those anchor tenants they talk about, who will sell shiny stuff to make ours look dimmer? Will they put in some restaurants and some places to be, some entertainment and some beer, that will convince people that new is best and old is not worth their time?

They're not offering anything I want with their shiny plan. I think it's best to let them know now before they pay more people to spend more hours trying to make a plan that won't work. While we were meeting, at the very same time, the farmers are advertising about their Holiday Market, at the Fairgrounds, needing crafters who would get priority placement. That's our event, that we started and built and that is vital to our organization and our members. They want to be with us, but they're advertising their different hours, their different days, and now they want our vendors. So this is how they cooperate now, and we're supposed to hitch our future to them?

I wish I could just go to sleep and trust that I'm not being managed and deceived and kept in the dark. They said to call them, email them, and tell them how to make this plan better. The only way it will be better is if it is not the plan. But it is the plan, because they gave it to the county and the city, who paid for it, and who will build it if they want to. Will they dial back the plan if I say no to it? Or will they steamroll me to get to their win-win solutions that are really ways around what I want? Everyone keeps minimizing the plan, saying they want it to fit the reality, so I need to tell them the reality. People-pleasing is going to drive us right into the ditch. The shiny ditch where what we built will be buried.

I'm getting out here. Thanks for the ride, but I'd rather walk.

p.s. Thanks for the comments but for some reason I can't comment on my blog...you can email me at dmcwho@efn.org if you want to speak to me directly. And thanks for reading!  

Progress

The meeting went well! If anything, I was over-organized, but I only had an hour and a clear idea of what had to come first...which was galvanized by some late information that morning. That didn't derail anything but was an interesting wrinkle for sure. Seventeen people came and everyone was interested, though I don't expect everyone there wants to be part of a task force. I will ask the Board to appoint me to head one, and maybe can come up with a clever name for it. At the moment it is DTD Task Force, which stands for DownTown Developments. Rabble Rousers wasn't really a good fit for the activity we are doing, but it was tempting. The energy was exciting.

I was glad that I had reviewed the Park Blocks Master Plan the night before, which was adopted ten years ago in 2006. It is still a very good plan for the space. We didn't get to discussing our preferences for the Park Blocks upgrade, but that will be the next thing on our agenda.

We mostly wanted to reground in our values, and craft a response to the UO group doing the feasibility study for what they are now calling "Public Market," which began with the LCFM request for site improvements. That request is old, really old, and it does appear in the PBMP. Pretty much everyone is in agreement that the farmers could use a better space. The study has a lot of elements and I won't go into detail, but the $4.5 million allocated will most likely not build any of the proposed concepts. Even if it did, the only plan so far for maintenance and business costs of a building is from user fees. Which would at least double the fees the users are already paying for the costs of their organizations.

We know as an organization that low-cost business incubating is essential to our mission, so there is no way we can move into a place with fees that will be double or more than what we are paying. We also know we are committed to our outdoor event, and to the rest of our values as seen in this little poster I made, so it is pretty clear that the concepts don't match our reality. Whether they match the reality of the farmers is a different question that they have to answer.

The group, or rather my other poster, clarified that we have a large list of differences with the farmers' market even though we started out together. Most of them are significant operations and structural disparities so any type of co-selling arrangement would involve big changes for one of us...and we don't want to change anything about how we are running our organization. Just as the farmers have made these changes to fit their needs and keep them viable according to their ideas of what farmers' markets need, we know what craft markets need and what we don't. Tuesday Market works okay when there are only a small number of crafters who want to participate, and the differences matter there. We've made it work. No one knows how Tuesday Market will fit into the plan, but I've pretty much resigned myself to an end to my participation in it at some point. Guess we'll see about the small details once the bigger ones are worked out.

Co-selling works when it is co-location; everyone agrees on that. Virtually all of our collective members on both sides of 8th St. agree that we want to stay together and like where we are. The vision I see for the Butterfly, which is the Plan A location for farmers' site improvements, is not really any of the concepts presented in the feasibility study. I see City Hall with a very nice plaza that could have some semi-covered or flexibly covered space for the farmers and any events the City wanted to hold there, and in and around the City Hall could be lots of bathrooms, some secure bike parking, some subsidized office space perhaps, and maybe a meeting room we could use for free when we have the bigger meetings that we frequently have. We like our office, and we like being independent, but only about 20 people can fit in our meeting room and that is crowded. We have 600 members who could potentially want to gather. The times we have done so, we've done it on the Park Blocks outside, or inside the Fairgrounds at Holiday Market.

This doesn't even list them all

We dream of an alternate location for Holiday Market, and so do the farmers, but that seems out of reach. We need a big space, and the two organizations together need two spaces. So that's a tough one, but it needs to be discussed. 

In fact, the main problem with the whole plan is how it plays out in the area of competition. If the new site involves expensive structures that need income, the temptation might be to put in some commercial stores of some kind, or food trucks, or other outside businesses. In fact the feasibility study includes up to six "anchor businesses." Add that to the language of "Public Market" and history rears its head. Ask me if you don't know the history of that other public market over on 5th St. There used to be craftspeople there and now it is fully commercial. If indeed we are the best thing going in downtown Eugene as we've been told (by people from NYC even!) the City and County should be rather concerned about putting unfair competition right next to us (cough cough free speech plaza no we don't want to talk about that).

A Food Truck Hub or import shops or tote bag stores or whatever would not help our Market thrive. And somewhere we will also make the statement that closing streets is bad for business, in case that is in the back of anyone's mind. We still have our lists of all the reasons why we don't want the streets around us to be closed to traffic, even though consultants and placemakers love to close streets and fill them with people. We need access, because all of our people have to carry things, heavy things, and they use cars to do that. Farmers Market shoppers need access too, and parking has to be available for them. None of the concepts in the study mentioned parking except to say it would have to be available off site. Somewhere.

We at Saturday Market are lucky to have almost fifty years of institutional memory. We still have people who were there at the beginning, not the least of whom is Lotte Streisinger, who developed the original idea and who comes to shop every week. We use her written history on our website and I used it for the poster. Ours is a living history. We know how old we are (47th season) and we know how old the LCFM is (about ten years younger) and we like to be honest. I should have put that on the poster. We are what you see, and we are happy with who we are. We're not in the market for change or to make more money, except in the usual way of getting better and solidifying our great qualities as we grow older. We wish the farmers well in their project for site improvement, but we have drawn a few lines in the proverbial sand.

I should be typing up the notes from the meeting instead of this and I guess that is next today but I thought people deserved a report. The meeting was a big deal for me and really intense, packed with effort, but now it seems like a normal activity and it seems I have added a big volunteer piece to my plate of those, which was not exactly what I had planned for this time of year. I was supposed to go get some plywood and fix the west side of my shop. I hope I will still do that, but I felt called to reground our membership. I feel good about it. It's something we should do more often, really, just get together and remind ourselves how we are when we are doing our best. We're damn fine.

And Saturday rolls around once a week and is coming soon! I love it. Looking around at the people in the room who have all been there to work with me in the past, I was energized and grateful for how well we can work together. It's not a simple thing, this participatory seeking of consensus and a way forward. It's actually quite fun when it goes well and super valuable as a life skill when you consider how different many of us are from each other and in our lives. I'm looking forward to the next meeting.

I can hardly wait to load up again and trundle downtown. I do hope they get 12th St finished up though. They went right down to the bed on the streets they're replacing and on Tuesday I had to go several blocks outside my route. It will be nice when it is all smooth and solid again.

Sure, that's a metaphor. Brings up some other thoughts about some other issues. Maybe I am not out of things to write about after all, as I had been thinking. There's always something.