I was wrong on the internet! Oh my.

I was wrong on the internet this week. I don't mind being wrong that much, but the amount of energy expended to correct me was surprising. That affected me. Am I really the sanctimonious asshole they seemed to think I am? Maybe...

When I was on the inside, with all of the information, such as the election results, I didn't know how it felt to not have that access. I have always been trusted in the past, so if I wanted to know something, I could expect an answer, and I also had access to the places to look for it. I'm sure because I knew the election results numbers, it didn't occur to me how it looked hidden to others. We did post them on the HM office wall, and I do believe we shared them widely in the earlier days, but at some point it became the culture to keep them quiet out of deference to those who didn't get many votes. This had something to do with the concept of equal members in its thought, but when I tried to think of any other elections when this is done, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to protect the feelings of people who put themselves up for election.

Just as it doesn't make sense to protect the feelings of people on the internet...or anyway it is not the practice. But I can't stop thinking about the concept of the flying monkeys in the narcissism realm...those people who carry out the wishes of the narcissist with or without their direction, but as a part of their defenses. It seems to me now that every time I speak up I am attacked by the flying monkeys who assume my bad intent whether or not I have any. 

I wasn't questioning the results or the process of the election, although in fact the negative campaigning was extremely questionable and to my mind, highly inappropriate and unethical. The fact that it worked makes it worse I think. The way the election was so strongly broadcast was not the usual practice, but getting more people to vote is not a bad thing in itself. I feel there were hidden motives of control and domination, but calling out hidden motives is the kind of assumption I don't want done to me, so I didn't do that publicly. Except it was assumed I had. So I was attacked for those assumptions, even though to my mind I had made a reasonable statement that I thought the members would appreciate more transparency, not saying "because now the trust relationship is gone."

It is for me, anyway. I'll repeat that this has been devastating to me after 50 years of a very comforting trust relationship. Being on the inside meant I did see some transgressions, and made some myself, but I always felt that good people were doing their best, and we have a majority of good people, who do seem to be doing their best.

But now we also have these attackers, and maybe we always have, but it seems so much more apparent when they are attacking me. I guess being as self-centered as the next person, it took making it personal to really make me see and feel it. I'm all for new experiences but this has not been at all fun. 

Thinking back, I have been attacked, but I was always just able to get past it by knowing those people were damaged and in pain and still, doing their best, even if it felt destructive. I'm just not sure that is really the case now. I was all set to extend compassion to this person but now she said as Secretary I was guilty of apparently many egregious failures, and maybe she knows what they were, as I sure don't. I know I sure was putting in lots of hours for free. I was always so supportive it embarrasses me now. Just thinking that my legacy of giving has been reduced to many egregious failures in one FB post, again, I feel devastated. Will my membership termination follow? For having different opinions? 

I want to rant, but that will likely make me feel worse. I will, however, have to spend the rest of the day reminding myself of all the ways I have not committed egregious failures. I feel stupid that someone that hasn't, to my memory, ever even spoken with me at market, can take me down that low in a few comments. To me, my worst failure has been the overly supportive roles I have played to keep the market alive and well at the expense of my own life. There's that half of my livingroom filled with the archives, too. Fuuuuccckkkk. 

For those of you new to reading this blog, I haven't shared it on Facebook since 2020 when one of my posts got algorithmed and it made me uncomfortable. Context is important with this writing, because it is personal and not really for wide broadcasting. I don't have to be right in here, just honest. I'm not going to allow personal attacks based on what people read in here (if I can even tell that's happening.) I don't really want a lot of discussion about my writing, either. This is a place where I share my thought process, where I reason through things, and it is my right and my process for understanding, so fuck right off if you don't like what you read.

That said, I welcome you as new readers, sent here by a friend sharing it on FB. It's not a huge amount of readers, so I'm not ready to shut things down, but I do feel like you need context to understand where I am in any individual post. So you might want to read back, as these go back a lot of years. Back to when I was in a trust relationship with market, and I was on the inside, as an officer, and I was doing my best like every volunteer is supposed to be doing.

I'm no saint. I make assumptions and am wrong, have strong convictions and hold grudges, which I try to work on over time. I feel like one of the people attacking me this week was someone with whom I actually have a lot in common, and they were just having different memories. Theirs turned out to be true and mine, well, rosy at best and false at worst. As Secretary I always tried to take the high road as hard as I knew how to, and I probably did come off as a sanctimonious asshole at times. I tend to use formal language in articulating things and that comes off cold and distant on the internet...I do remember writing her one letter delegated to me by the Chair, in response to a pressing member issue. Writing letters to mad members never worked out for me, no matter how much compassion I tried to extend. 

Not an excuse. I am a people pleaser (recovering) and I often deferred to others in making group decisions. I like to say I led from the middle. What the members wanted, I tried to do. I didn't want to fight, just tried to accommodate.

Probably some of what is happening with me now is I am trying to learn not to accommodate, and not to defer to bullying. When I turned 75 last month I gave myself the gift of banning bullies from my spheres...I just won't interact with them. It's not easy to do! Boundaries are not my natural inclination. I more naturally drop my defenses and try to remain vulnerable and with accessible emotions. That, of course, rarely works on the internet.

Anyway, be advised that I am speaking for myself now, not echoing any company line or part of any particular group or movement in microcosmic or macrocosmic politics. I'm trying to think for myself and do what I feel is the most ethical thing for me, as I have to live with my actions. So you may not like them. Feel free not to read this.

Rainy Saturday on the way! They are predicting as much as half an inch. I'm kind of looking forward to it, strangely. I like feeling strong. Yesterday I printed over 300 prints, fiddly thin bandanas and way too many of them. It hurt several body parts and for the first time in ages I took some ibuprofen. I need to do that more often I guess. Suffering doesn't help me think rationally.

See you tomorrow...suit up. 

Monday Morning in the Busiest of Seasons

 Waiting for the election results from Saturday, which was such a wild day! Yet another officer of pour Board indulged in negative campaigning, which is still so inappropriate to me. I know people are convinced they are right, but have they forgotten that everyone is generally convinced they are right? I guess it takes some maturity to admit that there might be more to a situation than you are told or perceive. 

In this case she did the ethical thing to recuse herself from her official duties, but they happened to be overseeing the election, so as members we were left without any officer overseeing such an important election. So for us to complain about the negative campaigning, character assassination of a fellow member, or any of the process, where do we go with those complaints?

The ballots said to vote for 6, not up to six, so at least one person was told they could submit a second ballot with a note on the envelope to throw out the first one. Not covered in the policy, sadly, and maybe no damage is done if the procedure is followed to the letter, with all memberships verified before the envelopes are opened and set aside. Because if they are already opened, there will be no way to find the person's first ballot, resulting in an illegal vote.

And, the GM was again going around collecting ballots from members, which is just not an okay practice. I saw this at the last election as well. That practice gives her the opportunity to destroy certain ballots she doesn't want counted. Not saying she would resort to that, but the appearance of impropriety amounts to impropriety when it comes to electing your own bosses. Staff is supposed to have no part in the elections but putting together the ballots, and providing the ballot box on Saturday. 

There have been improper election procedures ever since this GM was hired. Staff has gone ahead and set the dates, made and provided the ballots, and has never consulted beforehand with the Head Teller or Secretary, when I was in that position. One time they decided that the election would be held on two Saturdays instead of one. I had to dial them back several times in the beginning and even tell them the Secretary was in charge, which is clear in the policy and even in the bylaws. It shocked me every time that it was all taken so causally and this one is the worst yet.

I trust the Head Teller and the vote counters, and certainly hope they don't need an officer in the room to handle the count, but what if they do? Will the GM make those decisions for them about what ballots are valid and what ones aren't? Just because we have a good policy and procedure it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It's just another example of how important it is to back up our trust with impeccable procedures and responsible Board members and officers. 

I decided awhile ago to not be anxious about all that is happening, just to witness it and speak up about what I see, but we are a long way from a functional organization and it isn't the fault of members who ask hard questions. Trying to find a scapegoat in the membership is sad. 

We have a GM who is causing drama, dividing the membership, and forcing the board members to accommodate to her fears, lies and false narratives. Way too many people are buying into these false narratives. Ask any longterm member and you will find out we don't fight with each other normally. We all share the same goals, and we respect each other. To be such a divided membership we have had to be operated on by someone who has the goal of dividing us. She's not only doing it herself with targeted harassment, but using her other staff to harass and silence members who speak up in ways she feels the need to control.

I hope people wake up to this. We have to get out from under this management failure. The rammed-through fee increase will not address the practices of overspending and overstaffing us. Our staff is using what is supposed to be time for their operational duties to spend hours scolding members, drawing them into drama, and attempting to silence or discipline them. They are not supporting members, quite the opposite. One member at a time, people are figuring this out. 

More people need to figure this out. Ask some simple questions. Why are we fighting? Why are we allowing negative campaigning? Where is the competence and leadership we are paying for? Where is the drama really coming from?

Are we going to wait until we are really broke? Spending savings on the database and losing money on operations that should be profitable are scary. 

And by the way, it is another myth that Board service should only take a couple of hours a month. I spent such an embarrassing amount of time volunteering to cover tasks that were supposed to be done by staff that I wouldn't document it. I could go back in my journals, but it was probably forty to a hundred hours a month from mid-2021 to when I resigned in August 2024. Staff support was not only not there, but I had to prop them up. I was asked to "protect" the GM, a bizarre request. She is extremely good at getting other people to do her job. No wonder no one wants to volunteer for anything. Having ten people running for the Board and over a hundred people attending a Board meeting is not a sign of health. It's a crisis. 

I'm not expecting any quick changes either. I'm just trying to protect myself so that giving my life to the organization will not also mean letting it kill me. 

I have a lot of work to do! Saturday was extra exhausting with the constant wind, but I loved the protest crowds and all of the other groups, track people, graduation people, Father's Day people. Still, for some members, sales were not great. Big events sometimes translate to people not wanting to carry things or prioritizing their spending for food. The farmers weren't doing that well either. I had a normal day, but part of my success was the new bandanas. I took a whole extra grid to display them but it was too heavy and I need a better solution. I guess I will thin down my stock a little. Students will soon be gone anyway and I generally see a slump in sales until tourism picks up to bring new crowds, but of course we are not sure we will see as much tourism as usual. 

Okay, need to get out into the shop. Work hard, everyone! 

 

Elections and No Kings

 I'm enjoying making the protest bandanas. I don't really care if they sell to the protestors, but it's past time for me to make political items, as people have been asking me for them.

I got out screens from the Bush/Cheney era, when I did a ton of things, many in small editions that only a few people got, mostly as gifts. Selling political things is always hard, as you become a target for everyone's need for reassurance and talking about everything. It tends to dominate the day, so I have mostly not had a lot of them for the last while.

But action is needed right now so I am trying to convince myself to also bring my Jell-O piece tomorrow, maybe even wear it with the long tie, and put a sign on my back, maybe Impeach Me. Don't think it will enhance sales, but it would be fun, except for all the attention.

 I find so often now that people view me as someone irrational and dangerous, so I know gossip is being told about me that isn't true. That isn't at all who I am. I was told I was the most privileged person at market, as well, which doesn't even make sense to me. I think it's possible that people are viewing the point system as something that creates privilege in the longterm members, with the membership points. Of course that is a distorted view of both they system and privilege, as we all just still earn one point per day, and 1/5th of a point per year, and we earned them by coming every day. Me, a member for 50 years, has put in hundreds of selling days. I don't see how it adds up to privilege, but there are a lot of false narratives being put out there for people who want to believe them. 

This election  bothers me a lot, and I'll be glad when it is over. The amount of desperate politicking is drama from the top, with the narcissist and her enablers trying to make sure their power plays have results for their longevity in power. They will likely succeed, as I heard there are people going around recommending slates of candidates to people who are unsure of whom to believe. There's coded talk, too, and direct attacks as I wrote about last post. It shows weakness and fear.

I do have faith in our members to cut through the gaslighting and feel what feels right, but the false narrative that mean members hate staff and that kind of thing is harsh. People have legitimate issues with staff performance, training, competence, spending, and communication. Members are allowed to disagree with how things are being done. Attempts to squash disagreement just ring so hollow in the greater political atmosphere we are in.

Unfortunately, as we saw at OCF, power politics can be effective when people trust the people recommending a slate or what constitutes a party line, as we saw the M.A.G.I.C. group succeed in entrenching themselves and making a solid block with the ensuing effects of taking away people's idealism, enthusiasm and belief that they were a part of a cohesive membership. It divided the members and drove a lot of good people away from volunteering or participating, and continues to do so. 

It's happening now at our market, and it looks like it may have similar effects. I want to trust the members to recognize the tactics, but that's unlikely in the case of a lot of new members. Maybe some will catch on to things like the current situation of 5-hour Board meetings, emergency fee increases to cover overspending that has not been corrected, and ethically murky behaviors. Probably most of them are busy and not paying close attention to the internal workings...and it is not that easy to keep up.

I was accustomed to knowing about policy changes and getting paper and digital copies of them and am now realizing how hard it is to get those on the regular without being on the inside. I still get the Board packets, but the format is one that does not allow me to copy anything out, or use the link to the Policy and Procedures document, so I was not even aware there was an updated Elections policy document. I feel kind of stupid about that, but when I did try to get a copy, I had to ask for it. The P&P is not easily available, which also makes other things harder to access. I don't get the secrecy, although it goes along with the current trend for ultra-control and lack of communication that is comprehensive and freely given. I really feel uncomfortable with the gatekeeping that you have to know someone or go through the power structure to get information. Maybe with the new website we will get more? 

I sure hope so. I noticed that there are only a couple of years of minutes now as well as newsletters...I hope more archival info will be added back in when there is a more robust platform for it. Guess we'll find out. I suppose I could advocate for it, but the chilling reception I get when I speak up for anything has been really difficult to take. 

I've never experienced the membership being this divided into factions with so many people being in the out-crowd. Maybe this has been the case before but I was in the in-crowd. I hope it isn't the case, as I have always thought of our membership as being pretty united in our positive regard for our equal members. I do think the drama and division is coming from the top, so there is only one solution for that.

I'm sure that is why so much is riding on this election. Even if a lot of new people are elected, I don't see things changing quickly for the members. Guess we'll see. I have always been an optimist, so I will probably continue with that if I can. People are generally smarter than we think, certainly visible in the macrocosm. Tomorrow will be exciting I think, with all of the signs and passionate dissent. I hope it comes to the market. I had a hard week and want to have a fun day downtown. 

Ethics?

 I don't have time for a long post, but I want to remark on the Candidate Statement of the Board Chair, where he calls out, by name, one of the other candidates and blames her for some chaos that ensued this winter when Market was caught in some fairly serious policy and operations errors. The Board was embarrassed that they weren't prepared to handle them and didn't have a grasp of our bylaws, nonprofit law, or even our actual status as a mutual benefit corporation. They decided to blame the messenger.

When I was Secretary for fifteen years until last August, I made sure that every 6 months when new Board members were seated, that they got a rundown on the basics they would need to know in an orientation. It looked like this in outline form:

 I thought it was in use during the two or three orientations given by the previous Board Chair in my absence. She took over one when I was ill, instead of postponing a meeting of the whole Board when the Secretary could not attend, which is a bylaws violation, but it was overlooked as so many errors have been.

Without some ethical people in the power structure, members can never be sure if the law is being followed, or our internal policies and rules, or even the most basic ethical standards.

The previous Board chair did other actions that were not ethical, for which I have proof in writing, but which I am reluctant to make public (you can ask me for them.) I hate trashing volunteers, who rarely mean to do unethical things but may feel pushed to do them when the atmosphere becomes doing whatever means justify the desired ends.

The goal of terminating members has caused several cases of improper procedure, extreme distress for the members, and targeted, specific uses of unethical practices to make sure the goal of termination was met. Fortunately in both cases the terminations were not completed, as the Board reversed the decisions, but the chaos stated in the Chair's statement was about fighting the terminations' lack of proper process, lawful actions, and lack of Board support by the GM.

She doesn't even know what our status is, or is actively trying to change it. Trust for this power structure is gone, and we now see that the Board Chair is unethical, the previous Board Chair was unethical, and guess who was the Board Chair before that? Our current GM.

I won't even get into my list of strange things that have happened since we lost our GM in mid-2021. Yes, there has been some chaos, going back to then. Part of my role as an officer was to contain that, and I tried, at the expense of my personal life. I resigned last August as the only way I felt I could protect my own ethical standards and not be responsible for illegal or improper acts.

So they happened without me, but they still happened. I didn't want to blow things up as I had no solutions or the energy to implement them. I know what needs to be done. We need honest, ethical people in our power structure. We need to allow the strongly committed members of our organization to right this ship using the truth, actual study of our bylaws and job descriptions, and the acceptance of responsibility and service on the part of volunteers and paid staff.

Quite a few people are trying. When you use your vote, find out first who is working for truth and justice, and who has specific warped goals in mind. Stop the changes that keep happening to limit member strength and allow destructive behaviors and drama to dominate our organization.

And don't try to blame the whistleblowers and messengers. This is not about how charming someone can be, as there is a lot more at stake and a lot of false narratives to correct. 

We're in a serious crisis. Sure we had a good April and a good May, but the heat is coming and there will be other challenges. We need professional management and an end to drama.

That's all for now...I have work to do! 

Edit: And now the Vice Chair has also called out the same member in a letter to the Board and everyone who reads the Board Packet. I read over the bylaws and Code of Ethics, and this is a Code of Ethics violation. She wants the Board to make a policy to prohibit this whistleblower from participation. Exclusivity is also a violation of Ethics and the bylaws. This power structure is corrupt. I hope people are paying attention. The ends do not justify the means. 

More on Tactics and Joy

Yesterday I observed another joyful and productive market day, and managed to stay in the joy place the whole day, and stop myself from dwelling on things that were not in that realm. It was great but I did stumble into a few of the current minefields of drama.

The triangulating gets more evident as I look into it and I can see that it has been happening for a really long time...the past few years anyway. Stories are told, drama is created, people are hurt and offended and in some cases driven away. All of it benefits the narcissists and mean people and creates loss as an end product. 

Studying the narcissism is fascinating and important, to get why the market is being divided up, distracted from our pressing issues like overspending and overstaffing, and why older and wiser members are being sidelined and manipulated. Newer members are easier to attract to the in-crowd, pleased to be noticed and supported. Problematic people are portrayed as being leaders of factions, such as "So-and-so and her minions" which I heard yesterday. Minions means fighting and conflict is distracting. 

When you agree or disagree with someone, you don't necessarily join their faction. All of our members are really independent thinkers with their own experiences and perspectives, and dividing us up does not benefit us or the organization, it only benefits the power structure. It erodes the viability of the organization. A good management would never promote division, it would strive for unity and find ways to build community. Sadly the way we are currently being led is to unify against our common enemy, the X-tians who disrupted our May 17th market, while our true problems are coming from within.

Turns out they came because of a regional conference of that type of extremists and we have no reason to believe they will come more frequently (only twice in 2024) and they aren't targeting only us. So the current effort to amass resources we don't have, including paid staff time and the energy of volunteers, to fight them, is a distraction. We have bigger issues right now, like financial accountability, the distress of members being targeted, and the psychological issues that are destroying our community through the drama and lies being created.

The attempt to make everyone adhere to a company line is something I have to explore in my own past as well as what is happening now and recently. That old Duty of Loyalty asks the Board and Officers to support whatever the org has decided, so when a person disagrees with that decision, it does ask you to set aside that disagreement. But it does not go so far as to control and manage what is said and done by everyone in the org. Many of us noticed we did not have an avenue to disagree with things, not only Board decisions but other issues and concerns. We found we suffered retaliation or targeted discipline if we had a different opinion. A lot of people walked away over that. I even know of some less-than-ethical actions designed to keep the company line dominant over dissent. Way less than ethical. 

And this encouragement to make our concerns about the proselytizing public is causing misinformation. One letter to the Weekly said the disturbance was happening every week, when it has happened once in two months. Another letter was the kind of righteous defense of the market I remember having written in the past, a kind of "I know it all" response to difficulty that doesn't sound balanced for the whole community, but kind of a Market First proclamation that sounds entitled and arrogant. And it wasn't even truthful for all of us, as my sales did not stop, and I am guessing many members in other parts of the market also continued to sell well. I think that was because we insisted in not giving in to the bullying, but remained in our businesslike, focused customer service mode and were still friendly and calm. We didn't engage with the bullies.

And that is the thing I keep telling myself over and over. You can't engage with bullies and narcissists with the hope of defeating them, as it just makes their motivation to dominate you stronger. As I have said before, I am just not going to allow bullies into my sphere. They can do all of their triangulating, ruin my reputation, misunderstand me, and all that they do, but I will have my joy, peace, and make the end of my productive years work for me. You can work against them, but you don't do it by feeding into their narratives and allowing them to always set the stage to drama.

I will somehow continue the service and responsibility for the organization that has been my duty of loyalty all 50 of these years. Loyalty is not to the people in power, it is to the values and the vision that got us here and sustains us. I was told that I enjoy more privilege than anyone at the market, which stunned me as an example of how I am being misinterpreted. I have worked hard for all of these years to make sure I did not have privilege, that I always gave more than I received, that I always held the highest ethics and sense of responsibility that I was capable of, and promoted member equity. I know that was widely respected and treasured by a lot of members, although it may be destroyed now. I did not do it perfectly. I had to learn how, and of course I did make mistakes. I promoted that company line and wrote those impassioned defenses and sometimes I suppose my trust was misplaced and my statements were untrue, or at minimum, dismissive of other people's experiences. I'm still learning.

So in a way, I am enjoying this new period of observation from the outside and seeing if I can understand what is really going on, the patterns, the intentions, and the preventable mistakes. There is no shortage of things to reflect upon. Yesterday included some very authentic conversations with my neighbors and customers, and I learned a lot. Being in Raven's old space has a spiritual value that I may not have recognized fully. A visitor told me how Raven would dispel negative energy by transforming it, quietly and powerfully with his shakers and his intentions. I am sure he had to do that with me sometimes even! I remember how it felt to talk about my dilemmas with him. He always could point out the ways for me to move the emotions to more positive ones, and he did it without judgement, half the time without me even noticing. I really miss Raven in Raven's corner. I'm thrilled to be holding that physical space, but going forward I will try harder to hold that spiritual and emotional space. Maybe I need a shaker.

Caring about the Kareng Fund.

 Last week at market we had a great morning, just full of joy. There were many people from the Big 10 track meet, all new to market and fun to interact with. We also had a lot of people who were just being themselves, their sometimes weird and unconventional selves. Happy to be in a safe place where they could express whatever they wanted to express, they were also delighted with us, happy to be in a safe place expressing ourselves with our art.

 It was blissful. The predicted rain was just a few drops, hardly noticeable. Sales were great. Then the group of people I call the X-tians showed up with their horrible signs and loud proselytizing and started calling us all sinners who needed their version of fascist purity and moral rules that were what they would insist on imposing on us whether we gave our consent or not.

I'm just far enough away I can mostly ignore it, but it brought a nasty chaos that was more widespread. No one felt very safe. We all felt stressed. It didn't ruin my day, but it contributed to a lot of distress I had already been feeling after finding out some things I hadn't known were also being imposed on me, and others. Bullying from our own management on our members has been escalating. A lot of members are still not aware of it, but many of us have been targets.

Why on earth the management would want to battle with the members is the overlying question. It seems to be a huge difference in values and vision for the organization layered into a very poor skill set at the top. We just don't have professional and skilled management right now.

It adds stress to my Friday night and Saturday morning, but I was very successful this week at setting it aside and continuing to have the market life and experience I have always had and still insist on having. I have noticed an extreme division in the membership though. Some of us are no longer friends, and we no longer support each other. It's feeling tragic to me. We can't even manage to just work alongside each other, without nasty tactics by the people I call the mean girls, and a shit ton of avoidance.

I don't know where that will end. Damage is being done that will last. My post on the Kareng Fund on the members' page is being noticeably shunned...so people won't support the Kareng Fund? Can that be true? I'm shocked. How can that be happening? That is so much bigger than me, or any one of us. We have given over $120,000 in grants to artisans in crisis. What's not to support? And who is leading that effort to disenfranchise us? 

I sincerely hope that tomorrow I will find out that this is not at all true. I have been avoiding that members' page, since it blew up in the coup and I felt trashed, but the KF has nothing to do with that. I'm sorry I posted, and extra sorry I went back and looked at it. I hate Facebook for breaking into the peace I found this week.

I'm going to work on convincing myself all is well and try to recreate last week's joyful morning tomorrow. It used to be like that for me every week. I feel like I have lost so much in just the last two years, after a lifetime of giving, a lifetime of holding things together as unselfishly as I could. 

I didn't actually lose it. It was destroyed. I hope I can let this go. It's heartbreaking. 

I had fun today making these really pretty tote bags. I made too many, as it was going well and I was enjoying printing for a change. 

Edit: there seemed to be plenty of support for the KF today. Lots of people gave items for prizes and we generated some promotion for the Bingo event. A million thanks to Alex for giving up his day to setting up a collection station and giving out bags to the members for their donations. I also seem to still have plenty of friends. Grateful for that.

 

 

Triangulating

 I'm sure people are getting tired of my focus on narcissists but when you are being bullied and targeted, it takes a lot of your time and emotional energy, so it keeps coming up. One thing I discovered recently was that I was being used by the narcissists to bully someone else.

Triangulating is when the bullying is done indirectly, through a third person. What's happening for me, is someone is paying close attention to things I say, changing them to be disparaging, and making sure they are passed on to another vulnerable person. This is probably happening in more than one way. The only way you find out about these things is when the victims get together and air the issues that have been manufactured to be between them.

This used to happen in my family in a fairly benign way...siblings would go to Mom with their complaints and she would obligingly try to fix them for us. We were just trying to be safe with each other and didn't realize we were doing it, but my brother called it out and once we saw it we tried to stop. It took awhile, as it is easier when you are challenged about confronting personal issues like so many of us are. If you don't feel safe, it seems easier to be indirect and this allows things to build up until the misconceptions can really damage the relationships. But my brother works hard at clean communication and he helped us figure it out and stop using Mom. I, for one, was grateful. We don't get born knowing these kinds of things...it takes work, patience, and self-awareness.

I'm a lot better in writing than I am in speaking in person, and most people aren't, so things often go quite far without being addressed in my life. When a mean person inserts themself to misrepresent things, it gets built up to be relationship destroying. Mom was pretty innocent and nice, and our issues were just little sibling insecurities mostly, but the issues don't have to be big and important for people to feel hurt and treated badly. The bully likes it when it hurts, so they have no problem using actual words you said to hurt someone you had no intention of hurting. They just leave out the parts where you said things that were reasonable or forgiving and understanding.

One of the issues recently was that I found it not ideal to be referred to as an elder, with the associated idea that elders might not be around long, so you ought to appreciate them while they are here. Not intended to be insulting, but to people my age, death is a very different reality, along with the end of our productive years, our health complications, and the many things that make us retire or suffer crises we are not in control of. So in my work life, especially when OCF elders are actually retired people, which I most definitely am not, I would like a better term for me. I posted on FB about it and a lot of people agreed with me. It isn't a compliment but younger people think they are honoring us...not their fault. So I did complain, but also spent a lot of time trying to think of better terms so I could suggest them to the person who had said the thing. I didn't come up with much...it's so common to use elder, and meant to honor, so what works better? I kind of settled on asking to be focused on for my work, not my age. But I never went to the person who had said it to suggest the correction, because time had passed, it wasn't that important, and again, it's common. It was actually a refreshing change for the older ones among us to even be noticed, with all the usual emphasis in our culture on the new and young.

But they heard through the triangulation that I had been offended (actually I was amused, and not offended) and had held it against them as a criticism, which I really had not. It was said, I mentioned it briefly, but it didn't seem like something worth taking any further. And they were hurt. We may have cleared it up when she told me I should always bring criticism to her directly, and I said that I would have, if it had been important enough to me and I had a constructive suggestion. 

It wasn't a big deal but it revealed a pattern, that other things I had said were transmitted in that same way, so things added up for her. She then had an issue with me that was in the way of our working together, and thankfully she did bring that up when I didn't express any of my issues when we had a meeting where I could have. I rarely do bring up issues like that, particularly when it is connected with someone's job, so I didn't even have any to discuss. I assume that everyone is doing their job as well as they can, and I cut people a lot of slack and let them do it. I'll work around them if I need to, or avoid them if I have to. But I am generally not out to change people or their behavior, as I do not want people trying to do that to me. But she did have issues with me, so we emailed about them, and each got to give our perspective, which worked for me and I hope did for her. I tried to make my apologies not have those added clauses of excuses and reversals that apologies so often include.

Anyway, that was not the biggest issue of my week but I thought I would try to remember the triangulating tactic so I could watch more closely for it. Apparently I am not as safe to use my free speech as I would like to be. When there are mean people around, it is important to be careful, so the hurt doesn't spread as far as it wants to.

 In other news, I went to the lane County History Museum and connected with the Curator of Collections in a fun way. They had a little collection of early Market history which I loved to see, though it was mostly not new info for me, and I also viewed a great scrapbook by Donna Fogelstrom on the beginnings of 5th St Public Market, which I had never researched and it had a lot I didn't know. We talked a little about my other historical passions and I will have to go back soon as they have a great reading room now where the gift shop was, with a lot of things I want to look in. I so love research. I think I missed my calling and should have been an academic. I guess being a writer is close. It would have been a loss for the world if I hadn't made all those t-shirts too, I suppose. But I might have to do a post about what I learned there...right after I do that wrap-up of the Jell-O Art Show that is so overdue.

Rainy market tomorrow, first one of the season! Could be pretty wet. I got out the weight bags and booth sides and the whole deal and am planning to rough it, because it is usually kind of fun and people still buy hats. Plus, it's my job and I like to do it. Even though my week was a bit less than productive, I still have the most important day of it, so I'm ready. Let it rain!