History and the Present of Awareness

 Yes, everything is really crazy out there and people are just trying to maintain some kind of equilibrium and I am no exception. I'm over-consuming news and newsletters I subscribed to, thinking I may get off FB, but that's pretty hard and I am no really close to it yet. I'm not too interested in adding another platform like Bluesky, since I already spend way too much time sitting here at my old laptop.

I am feeling vulnerable all the time so can't really handle many challenges and keep putting off even the seemingly simple things like driving and purchasing things. My vacuum cleaner is broken (I do have a shop vac I could bring in if it were really important) and I've been telling myself to get a new one for a couple of years, but now I don't want to accidentally buy a maga one so am putting it off until at least the economic shutdown day is over. Like apparently a lot of people, I put a hold on discretionary spending when things started to get wild. I might need every penny.

Of course I am not a consumer of much at all, so it isn't hard. I buy food. I use the library and the Little Free Libraries and read things online, though I still get the RG for archiving purposes, even though it is a crazy waste of money. I had to buy things like a new kitchen faucet and new hasps for my shed as someone broke in and stole my little old Burley trailer and my bicycle pump (to fill up the flat tires, duh.) It was over 35 years old but in good shape and I miss it, but I was astonished to see that they did not take my bike, or my big trailer, and I speculated that they had some kind of compassion for me. Probably they just did not want to take anything that could be easily traced. I would recognize the Burley, but couldn't prove anything, so I just let it go and thought about protectionary measures to take. I took some. 

I have always insisted on feeling safe in my home and that involves some denial, but this political situation is going to touch all of us so my anxiety is worse. At least I have tamped down parts of it by withdrawing from volunteering for the most part, and am just giving my time away to the Kareng Fund and the Jell-O Art Show at present. Feels better. Jell-O is the only fun thing in my life really, besides birding and gardening, and it's full on right now. Going to work on the script after this...loosening up my creativity.

Still working on learning how to be better at anti-racism and taking down White Supremacy Culture and it's getting easier to deal with the feelings that always come up. Once I realized that my dad was most certainly more racist than it appeared: he signed a deed with a covenant to get our house in 1956, and we have a photo of him with a soapbox racer he built that sure looks like it has a KKK symbol on it (from like 1934?). I remember him saying things that would definitely sound racist now but he died in 1970 so a lot of what we heard was just Nixon-era bs. But, racist. My Mom was less so, but those times were just shrouded in it. There was one of the last recorded lynchings of the time right near where we lived, in a place I walked by hundreds of times. We knew nothing about it, but it occurred to me recently that probably all of the Black people in the area knew all about it. It has been recognized officially with a sign now so if I ever go back there I will search it out. 

We have plenty here in Eugene of course, in history and in the present, so it's vitally important to keep dissecting it and working on it. I was a tiny bit successful in the pandemic getting groups to at least talk about it, but naturally was shut down repeatedly by other white people who needed to exercise their right to comfort. To me it is important to keep those tenets of WSC in front of mind because they don't just operate in racial situations, they operate in us all of the time. 

They're not easy to deconstruct. Professionalism is one that seems quite confusing, but it is a gatekeeping tactic to exclude anyone who doesn't have higher education or familiarity with the operating rules of whatever group we are in. You criticize their inability to grasp your unwritten rules about conduct, communication, whatever. You insist it is a universal expectation everyone shares, but guess what? You have no idea about all that you are assuming and the restrictions you are putting on their behaviors and words. There is a lot of catering to that one in my world. Also Worship of the Written Word. I am immersed in that one. You can pick up on it when you hear certain people labeled as "articulate" as if that were an innate quality that only certain people have somehow earned or been born with, and others have achieved despite it not being natural to them. Like a badge of honor...or supremacy. 

There's a lot to be worked on and it's a lifetime activity. It's okay to not be perfect at it (Perfectionalism) but there are so many resources it's not okay to not be working on it. Especially right now when "our" country just took a Nazi turn that exposes that we have always been on this exclusionary and sick course. It's less hidden but privilege is always operating and that is sadly part of why I can feel safe, except for being old, and being a woman, which are also strengths I can draw on when I am not afraid. I can still lead, and I still have contributions to make. My fear is hurting the community when I don't operate despite it. Courage is for everyone.

Here's a great distillation and discussion of the fifteen tenets of WSC:  White Supremacy Culture

Reread it often. I get something new out of it every time I dig in. My family on our last zoom started asking me about some things I was doing in DC in 1969 when I was a student and my roommate was the daughter of a high-powered lawyer. They were defending the Chicago Eight and Black Panthers and I actually got to meet and hang out with some of those heroes, even though I was super naive and not even 20 and not educated about it in the least. I made some dumb mistakes but when I look back, I didn't reject any of them of fear them, and in fact I developed this other attitude, which is still racist, but in a different way. I was really attracted to them, fascinated, and wanted their approval. I'm sure this is a common interaction for many Black people and no doubt highly irritating and I still feel it all the time. There's some jealousy in there, since Black culture is so much more developed than my European American one, and I feel the same about Jewish culture. My roommate was also one of the first Jewish people I had ever met...I went to a pretty segregated school system in a suburb in Delaware (yes, my family has met Biden et al) and we just lived in our little (albeit painful) bubble. My dad worked for duPont and had some type of mental illness medicated with alcohol so we had a bit of a fraught childhood. But when I was 19 and 20 I was launched out into the bigger world where I became a political radical and never looked back. Raised Catholic too. Had so many confusing things operating. 

It's not ever really going to be sorted out, no matter how much I write about it or the years of therapy it took just to have a somewhat positive outlook, but I like learning and working on things and just keep journaling and trying. Sadly a lot of it was traumatic so it's hard to revisit. I even threw away most of my first journal so I can't factcheck myself. I had forgotten a lot of details but my little sister happened to be visiting me for the weekend when we had dinner at the Mayflower Hotel with some of these important people (and no doubt many more I did not recognize) and we got chased by the mounted cops who erupted from behind the Washington monument at the demo the next or previous day. She was only fourteen at the time...mostly I remember being horrified that I had endangered her. Guess we learned a lot that weekend.

Lots of things. I don't really enjoy going back over them and can't really read other narratives of that time without huge discomfort, but someday I will do some research and see what I can document. There could have been photos of that dinner. There are also people I could contact if I want to.

But anyway, here it is the end almost of Black History Month and next one is Women's, right? More. those liberation movements were effective and that's one reason we have this current backlash, which is a mild term for this insanity we are going through. I still feel like I can read my way out of it. I hope that is a little bit true. I know I will be asked to do a lot more though, by my conscience if nothing else. I will try. I will keep trying as long as I live, and that is not nothing.

The Curse of Interesting Times

Oh my gosh, things are wild. Everyone knew it would be bad, but of course not this bad! In my life there is plenty of microcosm/macrocosm stuff happening at the same time, which is just extra frightening, but also helpful.

It's not that hard to feel it when your free speech rights are threatened. Attempts are being made to keep me from having contact with other members of my organization, specifically the Board. We watched this at OCF, when instead of each individual Board member's email being available, it changed to a gatekeeping email that was controlled by the ED. As far as I know, no policy was written that said members could not contact their Board members, it just became less open and transparent and the members had less access. If they could get those emails, they still had access, but they were controlled to one step away. Seemed benign enough but it wasn't. It was part of a control structure designed to shift freedom to a smaller group of members, and take it away from the larger group. The same justification was used as what's happening now: the members are "mean" and staff needs to be protected from them. Do you know anyone who is mean? Okay, maybe a couple of people, but is the problem they don't feel their needs are being addressed? Listen to what they are saying without just dismissing them.

 I've been receiving emails telling me to stop emailing a list of members that includes the Board, which are vaguely threatening. I know there is not policy. I know I have free speech rights. I know as keeper of the archives that I have lots of  resources that members and Board members need. After 50 years I know what is good and not for my member organization. I know gatekeeping is a bullying tactic to control free speech. So yeah, that is happening. I'm mostly ignoring it. I've been pressured to allow "facilitation" of my archiving project, that I stepped up to do about ten years ago, and have invested hundreds of hours in, plus my own money. I don't need anyone controlling it. Volunteers like me do big things when they are supported, not controlled. I've expressed what I need in support, but it hasn't materialized. When I share materials, I am questioned as to my "authority" regarding the materials. Are they "official"? Um, what does that mean? It's a surprising definition that is new, referring to the higher level of control over member-generated materials. Now they have to go through the gatekeeping system to be shared.

The Board is struggling because of inadequate training materials and neutral information providers to be able to make sensible, informed decisions. The erosion of member rights that started in about 2015-2016 has gradually led us to a place where members do not know what their rights are, and are afraid to speak up. The procedures that are in place direct them to contact the staff or Board Chair but if they do not feel safe or confident that their concerns will be addressed, they have no other options unless they are free to contact other members. Members being sanctioned for speaking to other members is happening. Letters are being withheld from Board members or delayed from being addressed unless they are edited, or they're just not being shared in an attempt to marginalize the input of particular members. Vague terms are used such as "protocol," "improper" and "inappropriate" which are subjective and meant to intimidate. I'm not having it.

People just not accepting unfair practices are popping up all over, and in the macrocosm, of course, it is obvious what the threats are and how serious they are. Will enough people in the microcosm see and hear what is happening and stop the direction of the oppression of members? A few are seeing it, and more are feeling it, though they are still fearful of being sanctioned.

With the new rule that a member's rights can be terminated with only four anonymous complaints, all members are at risk. The rule does not specify a timeframe...over years, in one year, in a lifetime? Can all of the complaints come from one person? Do they have to be a member, too? If three people sign on, is that three complaints, or still just one? Can staff use it as a tool to ban members they dislike for various reasons? What happens if you don't comply? I don't think I have to answer these questions. I've seen many, many instances where a member gets more than four complaints. The people who made and sold the sand-filled animals got regular complaints filed against them and went into Standards to prove they made them, more than four times. Jewelers often file complaints when they see the many violations possible in the world of jewelry. Anonymous complaints are necessary, in some cases, but they are also dangerous. Not everyone is on the same ethical page.

I know at least two members who got the book thrown at them for not being satisfied with staff actions regarding a load-in problem caused by staff. A number of us witnessed the incidents and the conflicting narratives that were pushed that resulted in the suspension of longstanding practices and nothing created to solve the problems. Members were just pressured not to talk about it to each other. A false narrative was pushed by a misled Board member and the Board took responsibility for crafting a solution for an operational problem that is not one they need to be asked to solve. They do policy. Staff does operations. I watched all of it, and I understand what was underneath it, but that does not make it right and it was handled really badly.

It's shocking to me every time that manipulation and gaslighting prevents the transmission of our huge treasury of institutional knowledge. I've been keeping extensive archives since 2009 when I came back to the minutes-recording task. As Secretary for 15 years I tried hard to make sure every piece of business or culture was retained for the public record and archival use of members and the public. Our history is the city's history, even the state's. Saturday Market is for everyone, for the community, and not just the community of members. We can have two community members on our Board...they don't even have to be paying members. We have always tried hard to be open and inclusive to the maximum degree.

It's complex how we do that, of course. We don't necessarily benefit from news coverage of our internal struggles, so we tend to try to handle them internally. It isn't ideal when our members get frustrated and think going to the media or City Council will help them get their needs met. But if we are not open to our members and dedicated to making sure their needs are met, they will go public. 

In the recent case of the harassment and termination of a member, who runs a highly popular and productive food booth, it started because she was just not having it when the coercive gaslighting and manipulative tactics began. Many of us with histories of being bullied have quick and decisive self-protection mechanisms in place, and we have learned to refuse bullying. We recognize the tactics right away. We draw our boundaries. Instead of the mentoring and organizational support for a new food booth, she was subjected to control and domination tactics designed to force her to comply to new regulations and procedures that members had not had input into, except a select few who were convinced it was the right thing to do. I protested at that time, as an officer, that our history showed that this was a bad idea, and that there would never be 100% compliance from our members on any kind of decree from the top. I know us. We've always been anti-authoritarian and it's a good thing.

But then a little campaign was begun to push out the elders from leadership roles. A letter was put out by one member that said all the old people should get out of the way and let the younger people lead. There were only five or six older people in leadership roles, and we knew we were the targets. Of those people, there is now only one left on a committee, and none in leadership roles. In subtle ways we were hustled out. Everyone was gaslighted to think this was a natural process and not one of coercion. Sorry, I saw it and felt it. I stayed in as long as I could but it was stifling and people stopped listening to me. I tried to sit aside and let some terrible decisions go by, sometimes speaking from the minority, sometimes objecting to the tactics. It didn't work, and the personal cost was high. I resigned last fall from my leadership roles and have now resigned from contracting, (recording and screenprinting services) and most of all, I have resigned from doing the staff's work for them.

I spent countless hours doing tasks that were in the job descriptions of staff, trying to hand them back with the transmission of why they were historically done in certain ways, and set good examples of how to do them well. I wrote several complicated grant applications (dozens of hours) to assist staff in bringing in needed income. I attempted to launch a merch program which failed. I proposed a community event to strengthen our alliances with other nonprofits and city agencies and community partners, but it was handed to a tiny committee to organize without sufficient organizational event management. It didn't have the desired effects. I had to give up being the liaison between members and staff and the city in construction projects as I was cut out of getting direct information from the city and when I gave out the information I did have, to members, I played the fool when it was incorrect and inadequate. The whole loss of spaces to the storm drains was mishandled by both the city and two sets of managers, and all I could do was apologize to the membership and end my role.

Step by step I pulled out and put up my boundaries to the manipulation and coercive tactics. I tried to keep a low profile and not blow things up in a destructive way. I kept my justifications private and allowed others to collect their own experiences and data. But then when the terminations started to be inevitable, I had to start giving archival information for the common good.

I was astonished to see how much things have eroded since only 2021 and 2022. I feel compelled to help despite my better judgement. I refuse to engage directly in power struggles with a bully, but I have experienced retaliation and expect more. I am a resource for the organization, and anyone who knows how I have operated in the 50 years I've been a member can see how useful I have been.

I lead from the middle. I am committed to allowing consensus, truth and honest actions to proceed, even when I don't agree with them. I gave up on the cancelling of the November market, as I was in the minority after a managed campaign to eliminate it. It hurt the bottom line, as no one attended much in November and now people are taking their vacation month in October so that month has become less profitable. I knew that building up the member numbers without having enough access for them on regular Saturdays was going to create a large body of minimally committed members who would get discouraged and go away. I know why we don't budget for growth, as it is a mixed blessing. I know all about what staffing levels should be, how nepotism hurts the other staff, how to avoid a staff/member opposition. I know how members react to tightening of standards and policies unless they are given chances, lots of chances, to give input and speak about their needs. We have always worked hard to improve member services, access, community building, and diversity in every way we can see to do it. And we have always depended heavily on the volunteer participation to do it, welcoming disagreement while we built consensus in order to find the "elegant solution" in the middle of the round table.

We've just been going in the wrong direction with the wrong leadership for the times. The macrocosm is speaking directly to us and we had better listen. We have a lot at risk. During recessions and times of job loss, we get more members who can be desperate to make a living. It's not the time to be quibbling over perfect compliance to controlling rules and policies and procedures. It's time to be working in honest good faith to stay out ahead of our developing problems and be ready for change.

We stand for excellent values and the larger community depends on us. We are the community gathering and the business incubator and the joy in the center of town. So much depends on  the health of our tiny little nonprofit. We must hold ourselves to the highest standards of behavior, compassion, empathy, and right action. We must have better leadership that understands who we are, and how we got that way.

So don't let our Rubio take over our archives, or our Musk take over our finances. Don't let our Bondi restrict our freedom of speech. Let's be careful with our precious organization that so many of us depend on for our future and present lives. Listen to your elders. Open yourself to bringing the energy and new ways of thinking along into the traditional structure for the best of all worlds. Please.

Flooding the zone

 We're all going to have to keep reminding ourselves all of the things we learned about bullying in the last go-round. Their tactics are very identifiable so don't let yourself get buried in reaction if you can help it. Go back and refresh yourself on things like DARVO and co-dependence. When there is a controller there is a complier. Maybe don't be either of those.

I read that as many as 40% of people are authoritarian-leaning...they like being controlling or controlled by other people, stronger, smarter people they think. I'd guess they don't even recognize some of it, since it feels normal to them. One thing I learned about predatory people is that their sycophants cozy right up to them because it feels safer there. When you are looking out at and pointing to the same victims, you feel less likely to be a victim yourself. Of course it is an illusion of safety, not real safety.

You aren't respected by the oppressor, you're convenient to be used to add legitimacy or help them be respected. As a person who was subject to tyrant behavior since birth, I am pretty easy to manipulate, so have learned many ways to identify my emotions around it and work hard to not submit. Many times I have recognized it but gone along anyway for various reasons...I actually agreed with what they wanted, or it was easier, or I didn't want to get boxed in or out by giving a non-compliant response. I'm not proud of that survival behavior, but if I walked out of every situation where attempts to coerce me into compliance were used, I'd have nothing at this point...it has happened so often.

There's just a  high level of cultural support for dominant and coercive behaviors. Mostly people avoid confrontation so often the bullies win. Very often. It is also true that people who speak out against them are not supported. It scares other people off, seems too passionate and idealistic, and the person speaking out is marginalized. As an old white lady I now get marginalized a lot. It's really easy to say things like "Is she all right? She must be going through something. She is too intense to be rational about this. Maybe she's just paranoid." I hear that even from people who think of themselves as my friends.

Of course a lot of people are feeling not listened to at this point. Anything I say seems suspect under that kind of scrutiny...but people, that is blaming the victim. If I react to bullying tactics by speaking forcefully myself, the proper response ought to be asking questions, if needed, validating that there might be truth in my position, at least listening respectfully. But in my microcosm, I just brought down more control tactics on me. There's a gatekeeping going on to protect the bully, so my influence is set aside as if I were just irrational or too soft. I was told that I "always choose the underdog." 

I do care a lot about justice. I also care that in situations that are difficult, that we keep our minds open to all of the input before making a decision, and we listen to everyone with respect. Keep in mind that if you find someone annoying, that is on you, as you are the person having that reaction. What they are doing or saying annoys you. If you find them difficult in some way, you are the person having the difficulty. Your first reaction should be figuring out ways to increase your knowledge and skills so you can listen to them without having your emotional reactions that lead you to marginalize them.

I'm pretty done trying with quite a few of the people in the power structures that I have to interact within. I'd rather not hold any power if I have to cozy up to people with domination tendencies. I have pulled back and let go and it has been interesting. At first it felt devastating as I realized how few choices I had in the matter. The many ways my work was discarded and destroyed were sad, and happened fast. Things I had tried to keep in place to moderate how people used power were gone, and then even used against me in some sick Darvo ploys. 

My basic feeling is that you can't control other people and you shouldn't be trying to. You can attempt to gain their cooperation, if they are willing, through negotiation and discussion, through group process that is allowed to flow and be faulty until the elegant solutions are found. That is what we used to do. In recent times, control has descended and you can put it in the framework of white supremacy culture if you want...it fits. Even though it doesn't seem to be racial or about the usual categories of disenfranchised, it is still the same tenets. 

Right to comfort, defensiveness, either/or thinking, sense of urgency, quantity over quality, only one right way, power hoarding. There are more. How many of us take a look at the tenets of WSC and look within to see which ones we have internalized? Not enough of us to make a difference, it seems. It's hard to do! We've been internalizing these things our whole lives. 

I never recognized any of these things as a child, with a racist alcoholic father and a coerced mother. We were all afraid of my dad, with good reason. We of course thought things really were our faults. Overcoming these things takes a lifetime, but periodically we get glimmers of insight, and it's our main job to follow through on them and take a deeper look into what is bringing them to light. What just happened? It wasn't random. It's possible it wasn't even about you!

Of course right now the shock and awe is working and we are all cringing from at least some of it. This will not be a good time to make decisions or progress on the more subtle microcosm problems. No one is going to have the energy for it. But I hope, somehow, people in power start to recognize their motives and see who they are not supporting by trying for more control. It's not all about people who are obviously struggling or marginalized. It's about the systems we are using out of habit and "good intentions" to keep this WSC in place. We're so used to it, it feels safe and normal. 

We didn't work hard enough on it so far, despite all the marching and sharing and liking we did on social media. Not enough of us did the inner work. We're in big fucking trouble and nobody is safe until all of us are safe. Listen to the people who have done the work, search them out, read those long essays and think as hard as you can about the darkness we promote because it is what we have learned to do.

I'm getting ready to get off social media, so started a couple of things. I tried to delete some of my photos from FB, but guess what, you can't! Those photos don't belong to you. I went through all of the setting things I could understand and tried to download them, but that didn't work, even when I "got permission" to do so. I can try again. I also started clicking the "x" on every ad in my feed. At first they increased so that every other post in my feed was an ad, increasingly irrelevant. I am trying to stop feeding the algorithm, but I don't have the knowledge to know effective ways. It's going to be all or nothing with FB, so I'll be choosing nothing pretty soon. 

Giving up my power with the two main organizations I'm in has been fascinating. It has opened up a much better way for me to interact, as "just a member" who has to be taken at my word. I now have no say in any of it, and whatever I do say is set aside. Now that I'm not cozied up with my manipulators, I'm not important enough to them to hear much of anything from them, which is a big relief. I don't matter. It might just be my way to survival, and my ticket to deeper work on how to sit next to the other people who don't matter in more effective ways. Because guess what? When you let go of the power, you can see it. People at the top of the hierarchy don't even see the hierarchy. They are busy congratulating themselves on how effective and useful they are.

Maybe take a look at the other side of "useful" and see how you are being used. It's not a pretty sight.

Just Don't Comply in Advance

 And don't follow illegal orders.

I'm trying to restore my sense of peace and safety in this new year but it hasn't quite gotten there yet. It's not a simple thing to do, considering the political situation and how the culture has changed in response. The authoritarian attitudes and skills of predatory people have become much more the norm than is healthy or acceptable so I don't expect the rest of my years to feel great. If nothing else, the climate situation is a constant threat.

Getting rid of disturbing or demanding people, groups, or activities only helps a little...ignorance isn't bliss. I really don't do well with this freezing fog, either. Maybe when the sun comes out I'll get back to pruning and yardwork, which I enjoy and generally can do no matter the weather. Once I get out there it's always fun. 

My wrist injury is in the past, but as a cautionary tale I hope it always resonates. I bought a sturdy stepstool for my kitchen. It has helped with a cleaning project that I have possibly not done in the twenty years I have lived here...cleaning behind the stove. I built these cute cabinets around my little stove but accessing them is tough and it's been on my list for a long time to pull the stove out and clean everything. I had some of my jar collection back there and probably need to get rid of it, but I'm not quite ready. I feel like glass jars might become an endangered consumer item...I suspect most jars and bottles used today are lined with plastic to make them lighter and cheaper, if the products haven't gone all the way to plastic.Of course I won't get rid of canning jars.

I have this odd earthquake preparation habit that makes me keep things that aren't immediately useful and jars are among those. Food storage will probably need to increase in the recovery period for such a disaster and I have lots of water stored too. I hesitated to put any water behind the stove, because if the jugs break, it will be hard to clean up, but maybe they won't break. I put a few there because I also have to do my preparation for being an old lady and that means removing things I can trip over like water jugs. Haven't gone full on there because I love my throw rugs. Maybe I've had all the broken heels I'm going to have in my lifetime.

Lifetime...it seems way too short now. I still have a lot to do and the will to do it is less...I want more reading time and less work. But I also need to be productive so I keep trying to get interested in my projects. I got out my house and neighborhood research but had to put it away as I just can't do it now. It's Jell-O Art Season and that's going to start taking a lot of my time. That's a lot of fun, but also work, and I need to feel some passion about it for maximum art value. I made some pieces to get started but it wasn't enough fun.

Succeeded in finding a nurse practitioner who will take my new advantage plan but don't have an appointment until August, which is fine actually. I don't want to go to any appointments for a long time.

Today is my third session at trying to write this...had a lot of distressing communications to deal with but I finally just drew the self-preservation line. Adrenaline is my main negative health consequence of this life I have created and accepted...and that damage is cumulative. I don't even want to know what my insides look like, my brain and heart. Caring too much is a type of disease I guess. We have to release ourselves from it to restore.

But I think a lot about the 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture and I think Right to Comfort is one of the main ones I have to fight against. Thinking we can just sit in the rose garden and be served in so many ways is deep within most of us without our direct knowledge. Why should we have to grapple with these complex issues we didn't create? Can we really have any influence? Obviously we see that we are still operating in strengthening them if we don't fight. Complicity, white innocence, allowing ourselves to be soothed into believing that we won't be directly affected...easy ways out. Not watching the inauguration will have little effect...and if you look at the DC march happening today, you can see that it is not very multicultural. The votes taken in November show that a lot of people hung back and let this happen. It's not going to be easy to recover from this election. People who will be directly affected are convinced that the majority did not care. Actually the majority probably does care...but we have gotten to a place where the majority is not in charge. So if we care, we have got to get a lot louder, and a zillion times more inclusive.

Looking at my microcosm and seeing how the majority is disenfranchised has been daunting...I'm not afraid to analyze my own complicity even though I can't take any of it back. I tried to go along so that things could rebuild without more struggle but that sadly did not help. My reluctance to keep speaking up did not protect me from damage and it allowed the authoritarian influences to strengthen. Institutional memory is imperfectly carried in fewer people as time goes on and there has been a direct and effective campaign to push the lessons of the past aside and insist that "this is the way we're doing it now." It's pretty frightening to see what we've lost. I don't know anyone who was afraid to speak up during previous management structures and now nearly everyone is. Communications are minimal and dripping with control and dismissiveness. Bringing the problems is now the crime and solving them is just not a priority. We're headed for much harder times and I'm expecting the burden to be heavy.

Fortunately I know my worth, finally, as I approach age 75. I have skills and the means to support myself and thrive at least physically, if I'm careful and diligent. I see now that I can't count on it as heavily as I thought I could...OCF pass costs rose 50% over just the last few years...that won't stop. All of our fees at SM went up last year and it wasn't enough...will the people doing the financial work have better solutions than more increases? The results of that for both organizations will be decreases in membership and the positive regard of members for the needs of the organizations. We expect good management that honors our needs. Whether we're members just starting out or those facing the diminishing of our capabilities, the majority of us have limited resources and other options besides those two selling opportunites. Not recording and analyzing our member trends leaves the orgs without the knowledge and tools to prevent the erosion that we've seen before. Quitting or quiet quitting is already happening. People are afraid to speak up and think that they're the only ones having problems, so solutions are way out of reach. First you have to acknowledge the problem, right?

But I stepped out of leadership so these solutions are in other hands now. All of the institutional knowledge I carry is not going to be accessed and freely given as it has been for the last couple of decades. WSC does not really honor the wisdom of the elders...individualism convinces people they don't need history or the community to do what they see as applying their skills to the issues. When the skills are domination and control, I feel like this is ignoring the social progress that the larger, multicultural society has made over the last forty or so years. Progressivism is out...fear is in charge. 

It takes inner strength to get through times like these. I'm trying to build more of that and see trends rather than believe the presentations. I've seen bad leaders before. We've always been able to move past them with common values, common sense, and speaking truth. It's harder, but it's not yet impossible.

Democracy dies in darkness though. Secrecy is not going to be a good plan. We can all continue to demand transparency, details, discussion. Keep looking for the win-win solutions instead of the win-destroy solutions. I do not want to be on the winning side when the fights are not fair. I'm embracing my strength as a loser and someone who will be vulnerable to marginalizing. I hope I'll be speaking up. 

I hope you will be too.

A Simpler Concept

 I figured out a more neutral, less emotionally charged way to present what I am seeing within membership organizations.

We've fallen into a domination/control model instead of retaining the skills we need to work within the model we were founded on. We are a collection of equal members gathered to join in an activity of mutual benefit. We are literally described as a mutual-benefit corporation. 

The idea is to be non-competitive in getting our many needs met as we join in commerce and an event to advance our livelihoods. We work together as volunteers, and we hire staff to do the additional work that takes more skills and time than we have available as volunteers. We are all running our own businesses and our ability to thrive depends on us, as well as the system we have designed over decades of work to meet our needs in the complex environment of a downtown public space.

Economic conditions have stressed volunteers who have less time and motivation to do the problem-solving necessary to keep us going. The evolution in the processes of hiring and managing staff has become much more difficult for us, who are not supposed to have employees to manage in our individual businesses, so we rarely have the expertise to make excellent hiring decisions.

In times when we felt we had good management, we allowed staff to have more powers and duties to cover all the challenges. In recent years we failed to have thorough training and guidance built into our system. As recently as Kirsten, we spent hours with her introducing her to our systems, what underlies them, and passing on the collected wisdom of all the things we have learned by hard-won experience.

Since she left, we have had essentially no training and onboarding of staff. We designed a thorough program for it but then hired someone who refused it, and things went quickly downhill. 

So one solution to our current problems is a redesigned hiring and onboarding program to make sure our next management team is trained and meets the expectations of the membership for how they, we, want to be assisted by our staff. Currently expectations are regularly not met because in large part, they have not been communicated. When they are, it is usually past the time when it is not out of frustration and distress. No one is succeeding in staying out ahead of crisis. I tried hard but was working half time or more for Market for free and unable to keep up with it or anything else. I had to pull my support but now I can't bear to be in the room where solutions are discussed. I didn't feel listened to, either, due to an ongoing atmosphere of "that was how things used to be but now they are like this." There was no clear way to express disagreement in the intolerant atmosphere of enforced unity propped up by sharing of only selected information. Even the Board and officers were not being fully informed. 

We need excellent communication skills and information sharing in our model. Members get anxious about their spaces, points, and so many aspects of their participation. All during the design and engagement process for the Park Blocks it was my role to send frequent emails and notifications to members to make sure they knew about and felt invited to communicate their needs and concerns. I also took on the role of making sure the City and architect teams understood our needs and ways of operating so they could avoid doing the things that would hurt us. Our team worked really hard to be the conduit for informed decision-making and we were successful. Working with the city can be complex for both us and for them. Obviously it is vitally important. I had to fight for that role, though. The manager at the time wanted to do it all herself and resented me stepping up, but the results of an engaged membership were positive. 

We're going to need that again if we go forward with any of the redesign plan. There's a lot of member anxiety right now about the repairs, which we have known about since last winter and are still not communicating well to our members.There is in fact no member admin right now on the members page. I removed myself from that position, which I have served in since the page was first created, when I noticed that there were four staff admins and an increasing number of staff posts and interventions such as deletions. The intention was to have a place where members could engage with each other. I didn't feel comfortable with my role there, and felt I had been left out of any admin discussion. It is not now a members' space. 

Pulling my support has not been easy and personally I just can't put myself into an atmosphere of coercion and control. I'm not going to engage in another hiring practice, evaluation procedure, or rebuilding process until there is no more manipulation, selective communication, or misleading information-sharing. I have decided to just come and sell as long as I can and hope that other members come forward to take on the current and future challenges. Nobody wanted to listen to me in the last couple of crises and I'm not going to keep trying in rooms where I am marginalized. People need to step up to educate themselves on best practices, membership organizations, and productive problem-solving. Members know what feels right and will begin to speak up more when they feel safe and have complete information. Right now they have retreated into their own lives and are trusting that the current leaders will do the work needed to keep the organization right side up. I hope these leaders will do the work they need to do.

For that we need strong and dedicated volunteers who will take on the task of making sure we have a robust program for staffing ourselves, or we need to find a paid or unpaid organization to mentor volunteers until that is in place. That would take a deep look at our job descriptions, hiring practices, evaluation systems, and Board responsibilities. We cannot depend on a few people to bring that forward at this point. It isn't completely lost, but those people who could do it are either gone from the membership or discouraged from the needed work. They do still exist within the membership, but at present are not willing to engage in this work for various reasons.

We can't continue in this punitive, controlling atmosphere where communications are poor, members are seen as troublesome children who have to be managed and dismissed, and decisions are made in a top-down, secretive manner. While it may not have been the intention to get to this place, we are there and many members are distressed about it.

Many other members are new and don't know that we have traditionally had much better ways of governing ourselves. We generally don't punish people or drive them away, we find ways to operate with their equality in mind. No one gets to define all of the conditions of how we operate. This is something that we do together, evolving when needed and always attempting to research and operate with the most effective techniques currently available.

What used to be called consensus-seeking is now called participatory democracy and we are generally not doing well at maintaining it. Rather than rewriting documents and rules to be more punitive and allow for management control of members, we need to do the thinking to figure out how we motivate our members to cooperate and work for that mutual benefit, without the use and language of "consequences" and a fast system of member "termination." 

It should almost never be necessary to separate a member from their voluntary, chosen membership in our organization. If they have issues with policies, let's address those in a non-dramatic fashion. If they have problems with how they are being managed, let's address those from a system view...what is it about our current system that isn't working? We can then work out ways to improve things through discussion, changes in practices and procedures, and reaffirmation of our goals and systems.

And when we have to retrain or change personnel, we can do that without using control and domination tactics and games to do our best for our organization. It will take time. If we don't have volunteer time to address it, we will have to purchase the time of professionals. Whichever way we do it, we can't just pretend everything is fine.

I have seen this distress enough times to know how it will play out. Let's limit the damage by taking a rational, practical way to figure it out and fix it. What happens if things aren't managed well is that we lose members and income, and then usually make new attempts to restore that which can result in further losses. For instance if we have another fee increase now to pay for what is seen as inadequate management skills, we will lose more members and make less money. Members pay the bills. We need all members to be engaged positively in the life of the organization. When they don't want to be, it is essential to find out why and fix it.

Post-post Trauma Patterns

I deeply apologize for deleting my post from Christmas morning. I still stand by everything I wrote, but it all had an explosive quality I regretted and for the 9 people who read it, was probably disturbing at minimum.

PTSD is no imaginary condition. Every single time between episodes I am sure I am over it, have processed it sufficiently, can control it. It is a deep brain pattern that I can not control but can sometimes manage. This last episode lasted a week, exacerbated by trying to sell at HM for four days straight. I did not manage it well. I'm still triggered and also have the aftermath, which is severe guilt and shame because that is how it works. It's chemicals in my brain. I feel stuck with it.

Blogging always includes a period of what I call a vulnerability hangover as telling the truth exacts a price and doing this indirect exposure in a semi-public way is fraught. I do usually second-guess my truth and try to modify it to protect people I've named and there were quite a few of them who mostly did not read it I hope. If they did this is not an excuse. I am deeply sorry I was so indirect.

I'll have to find a direct way to address the actions of these people if I can bear trying and can find a useful way that is not just me flailing into a void of people not listening, as that has been a big part of the problem. I know when I haven't listened well myself I sometimes believe that I just don't agree with the people speaking, but there is a lot more to listening that just doing it passively. It involves openness.

That effort of actually finding a way forward that honors what they are saying, requesting, or unloading and looks for solutions that will ease the pain is hard. That's why people mostly don't do it. It takes skills. You can't do it when you have already made up your mind that you are right and they are not.

Nothing needs to be final except death. There is always a way forward, an opportunity to make a better decision that doesn't result in loss for one party. The other party may not know that they have also lost. They've refused to grow, to learn and to attempt to make things better for the future. They've made a mistake.

Mistakes are forgivable but some of the actions I observed are not, so I will have to sit with that for a long enough time to get there. Seems like it will take a really long time. Might be a lot of avoidance involved. 

I prefer to feel strong. I guess the passion at least has that redeeming quality, that I feel the strength of action. Maybe I will be able to come up with something that is strong and doesn't trigger my damaged areas. Of course I don't even want to think about it, so it might take awhile. At least HM is over and it's Jell-O Art season. Exploring creativity will help.

Be well. Thank you for considering forgiveness and having empathy.

And But One Day Later

 Since your hearts are already broken, let me make you weep. I think this is all about the death of our planet, or rather, burying the fear of it. They want to loot and pillage, as that is all they know, the only way to balance their grief, which they will never admit or recognize. We feel it though.

My reactions last night while I watched PBS and all of us bargain with our deaths, were to think about misogyny and racism, and why we were willing to believe they would not operate. We wanted to be done with those, and we believed it was possible. I burst out in tears when I saw Kamala on SNL. I knew. She was going to be our savior...and we all know all we need to know about that myth, that the black woman will save us.

Those voting for him do not recognize that they were voting to hurry it up...to hasten and get it over with, the pillaging and death of our planet. They know the storms and floods and loss of their homes and shores and ways of life are beyond control. They know we have ruined it, not me, not you, not any one of us, but all of us acting together in self-destruction. They voted to get it over with, as quickly as possible. To hand it over and dream of going off to Mars.

Otherwise why would you believe in the con, the Musk, the known quantity that is him and his acolyte, the young liar hillbilly. It was easy to see through it. You just had to shelve your memory of what happened not very long ago, how hundreds of thousands of your relatives died while he pretended to look at the eclipse. He always tells exactly what he is going to do. He is going to sell us out, has been selling us out, will never not sell us out. He makes the deal. I suppose you could have pretended not to hear it, to just stay on the surface of your fears, of "others," of high prices, of reading and changing your attitudes to match the times. Why bother to go deeper? Nothing matters. The planet is going to die and no one can do a thing about it.

Not you, my six and now four loyal readers. You have been listening. I know my son did not join the young men gamers who think it's funny that everything is about beating that next boss and the more violent, the better. Did you know that two thirds of Americans are gamers? Do you think they are based in this reality, on this planet? 

We've successfully been put in these silos. When Frog died, my whole entire Fb feed was Frog posts. Mostly people wanted to say how special their relationship with him was because he told them his off-color and sometimes offensive jokes on the regular. Who among them felt his congestion, his weak heart, his despair when he tested postive for Covid and figured it was all going to end for him. It was all about them. I reflected on my own death, which will no doubt be one of those which identifies the person with their persona, their products, their shtick. Not real. I'm happy for him that he did not have to watch the election returns this time and wonder how he would survive. I hope he wasn't afraid as he struggled to breathe, alone at his end. I'm pretty sure he didn't think he'd be finding himself in heaven.

We're not going to heaven. They are going to strip out all that we have been using to prop ourselves up. We will live in an authoritarian country for the rest of our short lives, we will suffer. Our community is valuable, but it won't be enough when the next mismanaged crisis arrives, when our safety net is handed over to crazy people to be looted. We will hang on, but we will lose our people as we have lost our structures that we built.  

In OCF, in Market, everywhere I can see, the authoritarians have risen up saying only I can fix it. Sure there are still a few good people among us, but we're beaten down. We've tried to say something, we've tried to help, but mostly we have, at this point, withdrawn our support and turned to survival. We have meaningless smiling conversations as they rob us of what we have put in place. I went into the office and my box where I collect items for the archives was already redecorated with someone else's name, in ignorance of what I am still doing. Another conversation was had about how I should just bring in my carload of materials and work on them in a windowless room an hour or two at a time. Another dismissal of what I have been doing, of the scope and meaning of my project, of the hundreds of hours it represents. Of the nature of a volunteer task. Dismissal.

Yes I am full of rage. I am a woman, I've been raging all my life. I ride my bike to the market and have for more than fifteen years...a little bit of fossil fuels going unused every week. It has added up. I'm even more angry that I broke my wrist, sidelined myself, can't work and can't be independent, can't maintain my homestead and my meaningful work and life. I cut myself off from my community, to some degree on purpose, for my own emotional survival. It's not about whether or not I like the people...sure I like them. But where is their rage? Why are they not living their values and trying harder? The planet is fucking dying! Do we think it will not affect us?

I almost can't bear it. This woman who put herself out there for sacrifice had it all. She worked so hard for it. She told the truth every day for 107 days and had faith in us that we were listening. We had faith in each other. But we were in a tight little silo and we had no idea. 

My mother once told me she was sad that I was so cynical. She had no idea how cynical I was, fifty years ago in my twenties. She let it go, I stopped telling he about my rage, and I just kept trying to live my values, desperately then and still desperately now. Isn't it worth it, this planet, this community, these people? This beating heart, Frog's weakly beating heart? Doesn't it mean anything?

Well, you and I know it does, we just don't know how to magnify our rage into something that makes a real difference. We can't control it. Our attempts to control each other won't help. We forgot how to work together, to collaborate, to lift each other up and support each other. We just want to smooth things over and pretend it isn't about death and profound beauty and moving forward to something more real and less fake. It's about death and beauty and something real. It's not a recycled joke on a piece of copy paper you can collect for $2. It's not a fucking tote bag.

Americans have now taken their self-hatred and fear and thoroughly fucked the world. It's not forgivable and we won't be able to fix it. If I even manage to survive for four years of this, my fight and rage won't even make a dent. Many of us won't survive it. We're not meant to. We're expendable, and in the way. We won't be the first to go, of course, because America is determined to be the final boss. But we're all going to lose, we've already lost.

Ride your damn bike. Refuse the damn plastic and the domestic poisons and their cancers. Quit buying the comforting lies. This is the fucking end. It's fine to cry. I hope you still can. I myself, find it impossible. 

My rage is quiet. It looks like nothing. It's stoic. It looks out the window when the sun is golden this time of day and it doesn't dissolve in tears. It's not likely to explode. It's also not going to explain itself to you. It's not even about you. It's not even about me. Maybe it's about a bird, a leaf letting go of its branch. Maybe the absence of fear, a finding of joy. A life. A death. A god damn gorgeous, living planet. Saying good bye to that, slowly but forever.