Flooding the zone

 We're all going to have to keep reminding ourselves all of the things we learned about bullying in the last go-round. Their tactics are very identifiable so don't let yourself get buried in reaction if you can help it. Go back and refresh yourself on things like DARVO and co-dependence. When there is a controller there is a complier. Maybe don't be either of those.

I read that as many as 40% of people are authoritarian-leaning...they like being controlling or controlled by other people, stronger, smarter people they think. I'd guess they don't even recognize some of it, since it feels normal to them. One thing I learned about predatory people is that their sycophants cozy right up to them because it feels safer there. When you are looking out at and pointing to the same victims, you feel less likely to be a victim yourself. Of course it is an illusion of safety, not real safety.

You aren't respected by the oppressor, you're convenient to be used to add legitimacy or help them be respected. As a person who was subject to tyrant behavior since birth, I am pretty easy to manipulate, so have learned many ways to identify my emotions around it and work hard to not submit. Many times I have recognized it but gone along anyway for various reasons...I actually agreed with what they wanted, or it was easier, or I didn't want to get boxed in or out by giving a non-compliant response. I'm not proud of that survival behavior, but if I walked out of every situation where attempts to coerce me into compliance were used, I'd have nothing at this point...it has happened so often.

There's just a  high level of cultural support for dominant and coercive behaviors. Mostly people avoid confrontation so often the bullies win. Very often. It is also true that people who speak out against them are not supported. It scares other people off, seems too passionate and idealistic, and the person speaking out is marginalized. As an old white lady I now get marginalized a lot. It's really easy to say things like "Is she all right? She must be going through something. She is too intense to be rational about this. Maybe she's just paranoid." I hear that even from people who think of themselves as my friends.

Of course a lot of people are feeling not listened to at this point. Anything I say seems suspect under that kind of scrutiny...but people, that is blaming the victim. If I react to bullying tactics by speaking forcefully myself, the proper response ought to be asking questions, if needed, validating that there might be truth in my position, at least listening respectfully. But in my microcosm, I just brought down more control tactics on me. There's a gatekeeping going on to protect the bully, so my influence is set aside as if I were just irrational or too soft. I was told that I "always choose the underdog." 

I do care a lot about justice. I also care that in situations that are difficult, that we keep our minds open to all of the input before making a decision, and we listen to everyone with respect. Keep in mind that if you find someone annoying, that is on you, as you are the person having that reaction. What they are doing or saying annoys you. If you find them difficult in some way, you are the person having the difficulty. Your first reaction should be figuring out ways to increase your knowledge and skills so you can listen to them without having your emotional reactions that lead you to marginalize them.

I'm pretty done trying with quite a few of the people in the power structures that I have to interact within. I'd rather not hold any power if I have to cozy up to people with domination tendencies. I have pulled back and let go and it has been interesting. At first it felt devastating as I realized how few choices I had in the matter. The many ways my work was discarded and destroyed were sad, and happened fast. Things I had tried to keep in place to moderate how people used power were gone, and then even used against me in some sick Darvo ploys. 

My basic feeling is that you can't control other people and you shouldn't be trying to. You can attempt to gain their cooperation, if they are willing, through negotiation and discussion, through group process that is allowed to flow and be faulty until the elegant solutions are found. That is what we used to do. In recent times, control has descended and you can put it in the framework of white supremacy culture if you want...it fits. Even though it doesn't seem to be racial or about the usual categories of disenfranchised, it is still the same tenets. 

Right to comfort, defensiveness, either/or thinking, sense of urgency, quantity over quality, only one right way, power hoarding. There are more. How many of us take a look at the tenets of WSC and look within to see which ones we have internalized? Not enough of us to make a difference, it seems. It's hard to do! We've been internalizing these things our whole lives. 

I never recognized any of these things as a child, with a racist alcoholic father and a coerced mother. We were all afraid of my dad, with good reason. We of course thought things really were our faults. Overcoming these things takes a lifetime, but periodically we get glimmers of insight, and it's our main job to follow through on them and take a deeper look into what is bringing them to light. What just happened? It wasn't random. It's possible it wasn't even about you!

Of course right now the shock and awe is working and we are all cringing from at least some of it. This will not be a good time to make decisions or progress on the more subtle microcosm problems. No one is going to have the energy for it. But I hope, somehow, people in power start to recognize their motives and see who they are not supporting by trying for more control. It's not all about people who are obviously struggling or marginalized. It's about the systems we are using out of habit and "good intentions" to keep this WSC in place. We're so used to it, it feels safe and normal. 

We didn't work hard enough on it so far, despite all the marching and sharing and liking we did on social media. Not enough of us did the inner work. We're in big fucking trouble and nobody is safe until all of us are safe. Listen to the people who have done the work, search them out, read those long essays and think as hard as you can about the darkness we promote because it is what we have learned to do.

I'm getting ready to get off social media, so started a couple of things. I tried to delete some of my photos from FB, but guess what, you can't! Those photos don't belong to you. I went through all of the setting things I could understand and tried to download them, but that didn't work, even when I "got permission" to do so. I can try again. I also started clicking the "x" on every ad in my feed. At first they increased so that every other post in my feed was an ad, increasingly irrelevant. I am trying to stop feeding the algorithm, but I don't have the knowledge to know effective ways. It's going to be all or nothing with FB, so I'll be choosing nothing pretty soon. 

Giving up my power with the two main organizations I'm in has been fascinating. It has opened up a much better way for me to interact, as "just a member" who has to be taken at my word. I now have no say in any of it, and whatever I do say is set aside. Now that I'm not cozied up with my manipulators, I'm not important enough to them to hear much of anything from them, which is a big relief. I don't matter. It might just be my way to survival, and my ticket to deeper work on how to sit next to the other people who don't matter in more effective ways. Because guess what? When you let go of the power, you can see it. People at the top of the hierarchy don't even see the hierarchy. They are busy congratulating themselves on how effective and useful they are.

Maybe take a look at the other side of "useful" and see how you are being used. It's not a pretty sight.

Just Don't Comply in Advance

 And don't follow illegal orders.

I'm trying to restore my sense of peace and safety in this new year but it hasn't quite gotten there yet. It's not a simple thing to do, considering the political situation and how the culture has changed in response. The authoritarian attitudes and skills of predatory people have become much more the norm than is healthy or acceptable so I don't expect the rest of my years to feel great. If nothing else, the climate situation is a constant threat.

Getting rid of disturbing or demanding people, groups, or activities only helps a little...ignorance isn't bliss. I really don't do well with this freezing fog, either. Maybe when the sun comes out I'll get back to pruning and yardwork, which I enjoy and generally can do no matter the weather. Once I get out there it's always fun. 

My wrist injury is in the past, but as a cautionary tale I hope it always resonates. I bought a sturdy stepstool for my kitchen. It has helped with a cleaning project that I have possibly not done in the twenty years I have lived here...cleaning behind the stove. I built these cute cabinets around my little stove but accessing them is tough and it's been on my list for a long time to pull the stove out and clean everything. I had some of my jar collection back there and probably need to get rid of it, but I'm not quite ready. I feel like glass jars might become an endangered consumer item...I suspect most jars and bottles used today are lined with plastic to make them lighter and cheaper, if the products haven't gone all the way to plastic.Of course I won't get rid of canning jars.

I have this odd earthquake preparation habit that makes me keep things that aren't immediately useful and jars are among those. Food storage will probably need to increase in the recovery period for such a disaster and I have lots of water stored too. I hesitated to put any water behind the stove, because if the jugs break, it will be hard to clean up, but maybe they won't break. I put a few there because I also have to do my preparation for being an old lady and that means removing things I can trip over like water jugs. Haven't gone full on there because I love my throw rugs. Maybe I've had all the broken heels I'm going to have in my lifetime.

Lifetime...it seems way too short now. I still have a lot to do and the will to do it is less...I want more reading time and less work. But I also need to be productive so I keep trying to get interested in my projects. I got out my house and neighborhood research but had to put it away as I just can't do it now. It's Jell-O Art Season and that's going to start taking a lot of my time. That's a lot of fun, but also work, and I need to feel some passion about it for maximum art value. I made some pieces to get started but it wasn't enough fun.

Succeeded in finding a nurse practitioner who will take my new advantage plan but don't have an appointment until August, which is fine actually. I don't want to go to any appointments for a long time.

Today is my third session at trying to write this...had a lot of distressing communications to deal with but I finally just drew the self-preservation line. Adrenaline is my main negative health consequence of this life I have created and accepted...and that damage is cumulative. I don't even want to know what my insides look like, my brain and heart. Caring too much is a type of disease I guess. We have to release ourselves from it to restore.

But I think a lot about the 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture and I think Right to Comfort is one of the main ones I have to fight against. Thinking we can just sit in the rose garden and be served in so many ways is deep within most of us without our direct knowledge. Why should we have to grapple with these complex issues we didn't create? Can we really have any influence? Obviously we see that we are still operating in strengthening them if we don't fight. Complicity, white innocence, allowing ourselves to be soothed into believing that we won't be directly affected...easy ways out. Not watching the inauguration will have little effect...and if you look at the DC march happening today, you can see that it is not very multicultural. The votes taken in November show that a lot of people hung back and let this happen. It's not going to be easy to recover from this election. People who will be directly affected are convinced that the majority did not care. Actually the majority probably does care...but we have gotten to a place where the majority is not in charge. So if we care, we have got to get a lot louder, and a zillion times more inclusive.

Looking at my microcosm and seeing how the majority is disenfranchised has been daunting...I'm not afraid to analyze my own complicity even though I can't take any of it back. I tried to go along so that things could rebuild without more struggle but that sadly did not help. My reluctance to keep speaking up did not protect me from damage and it allowed the authoritarian influences to strengthen. Institutional memory is imperfectly carried in fewer people as time goes on and there has been a direct and effective campaign to push the lessons of the past aside and insist that "this is the way we're doing it now." It's pretty frightening to see what we've lost. I don't know anyone who was afraid to speak up during previous management structures and now nearly everyone is. Communications are minimal and dripping with control and dismissiveness. Bringing the problems is now the crime and solving them is just not a priority. We're headed for much harder times and I'm expecting the burden to be heavy.

Fortunately I know my worth, finally, as I approach age 75. I have skills and the means to support myself and thrive at least physically, if I'm careful and diligent. I see now that I can't count on it as heavily as I thought I could...OCF pass costs rose 50% over just the last few years...that won't stop. All of our fees at SM went up last year and it wasn't enough...will the people doing the financial work have better solutions than more increases? The results of that for both organizations will be decreases in membership and the positive regard of members for the needs of the organizations. We expect good management that honors our needs. Whether we're members just starting out or those facing the diminishing of our capabilities, the majority of us have limited resources and other options besides those two selling opportunites. Not recording and analyzing our member trends leaves the orgs without the knowledge and tools to prevent the erosion that we've seen before. Quitting or quiet quitting is already happening. People are afraid to speak up and think that they're the only ones having problems, so solutions are way out of reach. First you have to acknowledge the problem, right?

But I stepped out of leadership so these solutions are in other hands now. All of the institutional knowledge I carry is not going to be accessed and freely given as it has been for the last couple of decades. WSC does not really honor the wisdom of the elders...individualism convinces people they don't need history or the community to do what they see as applying their skills to the issues. When the skills are domination and control, I feel like this is ignoring the social progress that the larger, multicultural society has made over the last forty or so years. Progressivism is out...fear is in charge. 

It takes inner strength to get through times like these. I'm trying to build more of that and see trends rather than believe the presentations. I've seen bad leaders before. We've always been able to move past them with common values, common sense, and speaking truth. It's harder, but it's not yet impossible.

Democracy dies in darkness though. Secrecy is not going to be a good plan. We can all continue to demand transparency, details, discussion. Keep looking for the win-win solutions instead of the win-destroy solutions. I do not want to be on the winning side when the fights are not fair. I'm embracing my strength as a loser and someone who will be vulnerable to marginalizing. I hope I'll be speaking up. 

I hope you will be too.

A Simpler Concept

 I figured out a more neutral, less emotionally charged way to present what I am seeing within membership organizations.

We've fallen into a domination/control model instead of retaining the skills we need to work within the model we were founded on. We are a collection of equal members gathered to join in an activity of mutual benefit. We are literally described as a mutual-benefit corporation. 

The idea is to be non-competitive in getting our many needs met as we join in commerce and an event to advance our livelihoods. We work together as volunteers, and we hire staff to do the additional work that takes more skills and time than we have available as volunteers. We are all running our own businesses and our ability to thrive depends on us, as well as the system we have designed over decades of work to meet our needs in the complex environment of a downtown public space.

Economic conditions have stressed volunteers who have less time and motivation to do the problem-solving necessary to keep us going. The evolution in the processes of hiring and managing staff has become much more difficult for us, who are not supposed to have employees to manage in our individual businesses, so we rarely have the expertise to make excellent hiring decisions.

In times when we felt we had good management, we allowed staff to have more powers and duties to cover all the challenges. In recent years we failed to have thorough training and guidance built into our system. As recently as Kirsten, we spent hours with her introducing her to our systems, what underlies them, and passing on the collected wisdom of all the things we have learned by hard-won experience.

Since she left, we have had essentially no training and onboarding of staff. We designed a thorough program for it but then hired someone who refused it, and things went quickly downhill. 

So one solution to our current problems is a redesigned hiring and onboarding program to make sure our next management team is trained and meets the expectations of the membership for how they, we, want to be assisted by our staff. Currently expectations are regularly not met because in large part, they have not been communicated. When they are, it is usually past the time when it is not out of frustration and distress. No one is succeeding in staying out ahead of crisis. I tried hard but was working half time or more for Market for free and unable to keep up with it or anything else. I had to pull my support but now I can't bear to be in the room where solutions are discussed. I didn't feel listened to, either, due to an ongoing atmosphere of "that was how things used to be but now they are like this." There was no clear way to express disagreement in the intolerant atmosphere of enforced unity propped up by sharing of only selected information. Even the Board and officers were not being fully informed. 

We need excellent communication skills and information sharing in our model. Members get anxious about their spaces, points, and so many aspects of their participation. All during the design and engagement process for the Park Blocks it was my role to send frequent emails and notifications to members to make sure they knew about and felt invited to communicate their needs and concerns. I also took on the role of making sure the City and architect teams understood our needs and ways of operating so they could avoid doing the things that would hurt us. Our team worked really hard to be the conduit for informed decision-making and we were successful. Working with the city can be complex for both us and for them. Obviously it is vitally important. I had to fight for that role, though. The manager at the time wanted to do it all herself and resented me stepping up, but the results of an engaged membership were positive. 

We're going to need that again if we go forward with any of the redesign plan. There's a lot of member anxiety right now about the repairs, which we have known about since last winter and are still not communicating well to our members.There is in fact no member admin right now on the members page. I removed myself from that position, which I have served in since the page was first created, when I noticed that there were four staff admins and an increasing number of staff posts and interventions such as deletions. The intention was to have a place where members could engage with each other. I didn't feel comfortable with my role there, and felt I had been left out of any admin discussion. It is not now a members' space. 

Pulling my support has not been easy and personally I just can't put myself into an atmosphere of coercion and control. I'm not going to engage in another hiring practice, evaluation procedure, or rebuilding process until there is no more manipulation, selective communication, or misleading information-sharing. I have decided to just come and sell as long as I can and hope that other members come forward to take on the current and future challenges. Nobody wanted to listen to me in the last couple of crises and I'm not going to keep trying in rooms where I am marginalized. People need to step up to educate themselves on best practices, membership organizations, and productive problem-solving. Members know what feels right and will begin to speak up more when they feel safe and have complete information. Right now they have retreated into their own lives and are trusting that the current leaders will do the work needed to keep the organization right side up. I hope these leaders will do the work they need to do.

For that we need strong and dedicated volunteers who will take on the task of making sure we have a robust program for staffing ourselves, or we need to find a paid or unpaid organization to mentor volunteers until that is in place. That would take a deep look at our job descriptions, hiring practices, evaluation systems, and Board responsibilities. We cannot depend on a few people to bring that forward at this point. It isn't completely lost, but those people who could do it are either gone from the membership or discouraged from the needed work. They do still exist within the membership, but at present are not willing to engage in this work for various reasons.

We can't continue in this punitive, controlling atmosphere where communications are poor, members are seen as troublesome children who have to be managed and dismissed, and decisions are made in a top-down, secretive manner. While it may not have been the intention to get to this place, we are there and many members are distressed about it.

Many other members are new and don't know that we have traditionally had much better ways of governing ourselves. We generally don't punish people or drive them away, we find ways to operate with their equality in mind. No one gets to define all of the conditions of how we operate. This is something that we do together, evolving when needed and always attempting to research and operate with the most effective techniques currently available.

What used to be called consensus-seeking is now called participatory democracy and we are generally not doing well at maintaining it. Rather than rewriting documents and rules to be more punitive and allow for management control of members, we need to do the thinking to figure out how we motivate our members to cooperate and work for that mutual benefit, without the use and language of "consequences" and a fast system of member "termination." 

It should almost never be necessary to separate a member from their voluntary, chosen membership in our organization. If they have issues with policies, let's address those in a non-dramatic fashion. If they have problems with how they are being managed, let's address those from a system view...what is it about our current system that isn't working? We can then work out ways to improve things through discussion, changes in practices and procedures, and reaffirmation of our goals and systems.

And when we have to retrain or change personnel, we can do that without using control and domination tactics and games to do our best for our organization. It will take time. If we don't have volunteer time to address it, we will have to purchase the time of professionals. Whichever way we do it, we can't just pretend everything is fine.

I have seen this distress enough times to know how it will play out. Let's limit the damage by taking a rational, practical way to figure it out and fix it. What happens if things aren't managed well is that we lose members and income, and then usually make new attempts to restore that which can result in further losses. For instance if we have another fee increase now to pay for what is seen as inadequate management skills, we will lose more members and make less money. Members pay the bills. We need all members to be engaged positively in the life of the organization. When they don't want to be, it is essential to find out why and fix it.

Post-post Trauma Patterns

I deeply apologize for deleting my post from Christmas morning. I still stand by everything I wrote, but it all had an explosive quality I regretted and for the 9 people who read it, was probably disturbing at minimum.

PTSD is no imaginary condition. Every single time between episodes I am sure I am over it, have processed it sufficiently, can control it. It is a deep brain pattern that I can not control but can sometimes manage. This last episode lasted a week, exacerbated by trying to sell at HM for four days straight. I did not manage it well. I'm still triggered and also have the aftermath, which is severe guilt and shame because that is how it works. It's chemicals in my brain. I feel stuck with it.

Blogging always includes a period of what I call a vulnerability hangover as telling the truth exacts a price and doing this indirect exposure in a semi-public way is fraught. I do usually second-guess my truth and try to modify it to protect people I've named and there were quite a few of them who mostly did not read it I hope. If they did this is not an excuse. I am deeply sorry I was so indirect.

I'll have to find a direct way to address the actions of these people if I can bear trying and can find a useful way that is not just me flailing into a void of people not listening, as that has been a big part of the problem. I know when I haven't listened well myself I sometimes believe that I just don't agree with the people speaking, but there is a lot more to listening that just doing it passively. It involves openness.

That effort of actually finding a way forward that honors what they are saying, requesting, or unloading and looks for solutions that will ease the pain is hard. That's why people mostly don't do it. It takes skills. You can't do it when you have already made up your mind that you are right and they are not.

Nothing needs to be final except death. There is always a way forward, an opportunity to make a better decision that doesn't result in loss for one party. The other party may not know that they have also lost. They've refused to grow, to learn and to attempt to make things better for the future. They've made a mistake.

Mistakes are forgivable but some of the actions I observed are not, so I will have to sit with that for a long enough time to get there. Seems like it will take a really long time. Might be a lot of avoidance involved. 

I prefer to feel strong. I guess the passion at least has that redeeming quality, that I feel the strength of action. Maybe I will be able to come up with something that is strong and doesn't trigger my damaged areas. Of course I don't even want to think about it, so it might take awhile. At least HM is over and it's Jell-O Art season. Exploring creativity will help.

Be well. Thank you for considering forgiveness and having empathy.

And But One Day Later

 Since your hearts are already broken, let me make you weep. I think this is all about the death of our planet, or rather, burying the fear of it. They want to loot and pillage, as that is all they know, the only way to balance their grief, which they will never admit or recognize. We feel it though.

My reactions last night while I watched PBS and all of us bargain with our deaths, were to think about misogyny and racism, and why we were willing to believe they would not operate. We wanted to be done with those, and we believed it was possible. I burst out in tears when I saw Kamala on SNL. I knew. She was going to be our savior...and we all know all we need to know about that myth, that the black woman will save us.

Those voting for him do not recognize that they were voting to hurry it up...to hasten and get it over with, the pillaging and death of our planet. They know the storms and floods and loss of their homes and shores and ways of life are beyond control. They know we have ruined it, not me, not you, not any one of us, but all of us acting together in self-destruction. They voted to get it over with, as quickly as possible. To hand it over and dream of going off to Mars.

Otherwise why would you believe in the con, the Musk, the known quantity that is him and his acolyte, the young liar hillbilly. It was easy to see through it. You just had to shelve your memory of what happened not very long ago, how hundreds of thousands of your relatives died while he pretended to look at the eclipse. He always tells exactly what he is going to do. He is going to sell us out, has been selling us out, will never not sell us out. He makes the deal. I suppose you could have pretended not to hear it, to just stay on the surface of your fears, of "others," of high prices, of reading and changing your attitudes to match the times. Why bother to go deeper? Nothing matters. The planet is going to die and no one can do a thing about it.

Not you, my six and now four loyal readers. You have been listening. I know my son did not join the young men gamers who think it's funny that everything is about beating that next boss and the more violent, the better. Did you know that two thirds of Americans are gamers? Do you think they are based in this reality, on this planet? 

We've successfully been put in these silos. When Frog died, my whole entire Fb feed was Frog posts. Mostly people wanted to say how special their relationship with him was because he told them his off-color and sometimes offensive jokes on the regular. Who among them felt his congestion, his weak heart, his despair when he tested postive for Covid and figured it was all going to end for him. It was all about them. I reflected on my own death, which will no doubt be one of those which identifies the person with their persona, their products, their shtick. Not real. I'm happy for him that he did not have to watch the election returns this time and wonder how he would survive. I hope he wasn't afraid as he struggled to breathe, alone at his end. I'm pretty sure he didn't think he'd be finding himself in heaven.

We're not going to heaven. They are going to strip out all that we have been using to prop ourselves up. We will live in an authoritarian country for the rest of our short lives, we will suffer. Our community is valuable, but it won't be enough when the next mismanaged crisis arrives, when our safety net is handed over to crazy people to be looted. We will hang on, but we will lose our people as we have lost our structures that we built.  

In OCF, in Market, everywhere I can see, the authoritarians have risen up saying only I can fix it. Sure there are still a few good people among us, but we're beaten down. We've tried to say something, we've tried to help, but mostly we have, at this point, withdrawn our support and turned to survival. We have meaningless smiling conversations as they rob us of what we have put in place. I went into the office and my box where I collect items for the archives was already redecorated with someone else's name, in ignorance of what I am still doing. Another conversation was had about how I should just bring in my carload of materials and work on them in a windowless room an hour or two at a time. Another dismissal of what I have been doing, of the scope and meaning of my project, of the hundreds of hours it represents. Of the nature of a volunteer task. Dismissal.

Yes I am full of rage. I am a woman, I've been raging all my life. I ride my bike to the market and have for more than fifteen years...a little bit of fossil fuels going unused every week. It has added up. I'm even more angry that I broke my wrist, sidelined myself, can't work and can't be independent, can't maintain my homestead and my meaningful work and life. I cut myself off from my community, to some degree on purpose, for my own emotional survival. It's not about whether or not I like the people...sure I like them. But where is their rage? Why are they not living their values and trying harder? The planet is fucking dying! Do we think it will not affect us?

I almost can't bear it. This woman who put herself out there for sacrifice had it all. She worked so hard for it. She told the truth every day for 107 days and had faith in us that we were listening. We had faith in each other. But we were in a tight little silo and we had no idea. 

My mother once told me she was sad that I was so cynical. She had no idea how cynical I was, fifty years ago in my twenties. She let it go, I stopped telling he about my rage, and I just kept trying to live my values, desperately then and still desperately now. Isn't it worth it, this planet, this community, these people? This beating heart, Frog's weakly beating heart? Doesn't it mean anything?

Well, you and I know it does, we just don't know how to magnify our rage into something that makes a real difference. We can't control it. Our attempts to control each other won't help. We forgot how to work together, to collaborate, to lift each other up and support each other. We just want to smooth things over and pretend it isn't about death and profound beauty and moving forward to something more real and less fake. It's about death and beauty and something real. It's not a recycled joke on a piece of copy paper you can collect for $2. It's not a fucking tote bag.

Americans have now taken their self-hatred and fear and thoroughly fucked the world. It's not forgivable and we won't be able to fix it. If I even manage to survive for four years of this, my fight and rage won't even make a dent. Many of us won't survive it. We're not meant to. We're expendable, and in the way. We won't be the first to go, of course, because America is determined to be the final boss. But we're all going to lose, we've already lost.

Ride your damn bike. Refuse the damn plastic and the domestic poisons and their cancers. Quit buying the comforting lies. This is the fucking end. It's fine to cry. I hope you still can. I myself, find it impossible. 

My rage is quiet. It looks like nothing. It's stoic. It looks out the window when the sun is golden this time of day and it doesn't dissolve in tears. It's not likely to explode. It's also not going to explain itself to you. It's not even about you. It's not even about me. Maybe it's about a bird, a leaf letting go of its branch. Maybe the absence of fear, a finding of joy. A life. A death. A god damn gorgeous, living planet. Saying good bye to that, slowly but forever.

Day before the election

 It's the day before the election...hard to not feel anxious about it. I don't really believe it is close, but I have underestimated the racism and sexism of Americans before. They didn't used to be comfortable admitting it in public like they seem to be now, but a lot of people have it internalized so thoroughly they don't even know that's their motivation. But I'm planning to stay offline as much as possible and have faith in young people and people my age who really won't go back to what we know was very wrong.

Meanwhile, I'm just managing my emotions over missing five markets, four of which were sunny and I'm sure would have been very successful for me. Even the last one wasn't all that wet though still would have been too hard for me. I've been doing a lot more with my right arm and hand but it isn't strong enough to rely on for bike brakes, lifting, dealing with tight bungies or all the rest of the things I would need to do market. I missed it a lot more than I expected and was depressed every week about it, so didn't want to visit and feel very cut off from my usual social opportunities which pretty much consisted of showing up for the weekly workday. 

But Holiday Market starts on the 16th and I am planning to manage the load-in on the day before. Even if I can't bike well, just crossing the Fairgrounds won't be too hard...I can walk the bike if I need to. I've gotten good at using my left arm as the main one and the right just steadies things so I've been raking leaves, weeding, and getting the yard and gardens ready for winter. I got my painting project finished although it looks quite sloppy but it got too wet and cold to go back and neaten up the edges. I'll catch them next time. Seems like I repaint the white trim every couple of years no matter what.

Got my outside water management pretty together although my hoses broke in several places so I'll be looking for new ones I guess. Inside the house, the kitchen sink started to drip and I thought it would be easy to fix but I broke a part and now have to replace the whole faucet and that will have to wait. I turned down the pressure and just turn it up to wash dishes and can probably go for awhile without being too frustrated with that. House maintenance is always an issue though, and it does get a bit overwhelming now and then. I had a rat in the attic again which I caught in one of the dozens of traps I have up there but I have no idea how they get in and think there must be a system of tunnels that they live in that extends under the house. I'm not seeing any real evidence of them outside though. I see far too many squirrels but they don't seem to be that interested in getting into the house. 

I have my first PT appointment tomorrow, since the one last week was canceled. Getting medical care is a challenge so I'm grateful my issue is sort of minor on the scale of things I could be dealing with. I hope she will give me permission to do the things I have already decided I can do, and give me some more to try. I remember when my dad broke his wrist when I was a kid, chasing a rabbit in slippery grass. He cut his cast off at some point and had a box of cocoa butter bars that he used for exercising it, squeezing them I guess. I'm in a removable brace which is much better than a cast but I'd love to wear it less so I'm hoping that will happen. I see the doctor next week at what will be 6 weeks so I hope he sends me on my way. A memorable adventure that I hope not to repeat. It's only my second broken bone in my life but I don't want any more so will try hard to be more careful. Gravity is real.

I have started coloring hats a little...I have trouble getting the caps off the markers and don't want to try anything too precise but I've been able to get caught up a little. I'll do more while I watch election results since drinking won't be that fun and I'll need some distraction. Surely we have left the dominance of white supremacy culture behind. All of the young people I know have grown up knowing better and I have faith in them and in women who value our autonomy and are sure about that. 

But I live in a bubble and want to stay in it. I'm just accepting that I will be anxious and wishing and hoping for the best. Still expecting a lot of shenanigans, but also a definite statement that women matter and the whole concept of dominance is outdated and not the way to solve our problems.

Refreshing and Reframing

 It's hot. Day off, so I don't have to be productive, except I have so many things to do I still feel compelled. I didn't really get the house cooled off enough so being lazy might be the important task of the day. 

Market is different for me...I resigned as Secretary at the August Board meeting, so it has been about a month, and it's an interesting transition. Part of it is a grief process as I figure out new motivations and roles for myself after 15 years of making the Secretary role an essential one. The biggest part of that was then feeling responsible for all of what the organization did...I had the duty of care and loyalty to answer to and handled so many crises, including the near total loss of all of our systems and staff at the same time...fortunately we worked hard to recover as much of it as possible and rebuild, which was mostly successful. It was very difficult in so many ways. 

It was not a burden I could carry any longer, and as my performance at all the tasks slipped, I grew increasingly unhappy with my ability to stay on top of it all. Having the legacy project of the archives staring me in the face every day, I realized I had to prioritize getting that finished and out of my livingroom. I have to navigate my actual survival at this age. 

I'm doing well for 74 but the reality is that some things will get increasingly harder so I want to apply as much energy as I do have to the many tasks of finishing up a life. I have other archives besides Saturday Market, and all need to be organized and placed withe younger people or in places where they can reside. Of course I don't know who will want a lot of it, if anyone. So for the parts that are discernible, I need to move to get those in place. It gets overwhelming fast.

 I'm focusing mostly on what is outdoors and one thing was this wood rack that was the first thing I built when I deconstructed the back half of my house in the mid-1990s. Apparently I had no idea bout removable fasteners aka screws and this thing was full of giant nails. It had a lot of wonderful and heavy wood stored on it and listed toward my neighbor's fence as it sank into the mud. At some point I removed everything and put some concrete pads under the legs, but it was still leaning and there was a possum and raccoon sanctuary in there. I didn't really mind that, but it was ruining some of the wood and not helping with the leaning, so I decided to take off the top layers at least. 

As I worked on it I talked myself into removing the whole thing. I put up brackets in my shop to store the siding and other good boards and that turned into a lot of wood storage but my thinking is that now I can at least access it, it will stay usable, and I have an opportunity to use the wood before I have to get rid of it. I'm scheming on a potting shed type of extension and a couple of other projects so I can give the boards one more life, but I'm also trying to be realistic.

I'm not great at getting rid of things. It's getting easier, but I like to use things up and I do get attached to the possibilities of them. I have a few piles accumulating to recycle, and I will need to complete those processes before the weather really turns, but I keep putting off the actual driving to the places with the stuff. I'll get there. It's supposed to rain Wednesday so that's a motivator. So today I should get out there and keep at it. I did manage to knock the rack mostly apart on Friday before it got way too hot. There are still a lot of pesky nails and pieces of wood to deal with. The shredding tarp was too big to get into the garbage so that will take a little longer. I cut a piece of it off but I only get picked up every other week, though I am patient. Probably I need to work harder on getting over paying people to do things like take a load to the dump. I know it would be worth it. And now this rack is a thing of the past. I will dig up the photo of me so proud of building it at the beginning of my project so many years ago. I'm glad I remembered to take a photo.

As far as Market goes, I made myself skip the Board meeting despite the draw toward at least listening in...I just have to work on that gradually to disengage myself from feeling like I have to do things as a volunteer or it will all disintegrate. It won't. People are stepping up, and many other people have the knowledge and will to cover what I was doing, so it's some getting over myself and some allowing things to happen in different ways than I would do them. Attachments. 

I was seeing my influence diminish and was having mixed feelings for a long time as I released things and released myself from caring so much. Some areas are easier than others...it's like the training I have had to do to not get involved in people with cars as they use them to load and unload...it's not about me. It's not important that my opinion about it is heard. 

The whole process of letting go is what this part of my life is going to be about. Every aspect of that is hard but just takes practice. I can get good at it just like I have gotten good at holding on. I can put that caring into the archive project instead of putting as much into the living market with it's daily and weekly wrinkles. I'm questioning what my motivation will be...it has gotten really hard on Saturday mornings to just get going. It doesn't help that my anxious cat likes to wake me up at 4 so I don't get enough sleep. It doesn't help that August sales have slumped but that just helps me feel more connected to members who don't sell as well as I am accustomed to doing. As I remind myself, the successful times come and go. The persistence pays off, but only if it comes with flexibility. I don't really have a choice, anyway...it's my income and I need it as long as it is available to me. 

Yesterday I had the kind of experience that makes the big difference...my neighbor was this young man who made cookware and shared my love of so many aspects of crafting. It was his first day and he had sold other places so really could see the ways Market shines far above a lot of other selling opportunities. We love history, wood, creative solutions, having a lot of skills...it was such a pleasure to meet him and tell him a few of my stories. He said such kind things at the end of the day. I was reminded of my value that had slipped in my own estimation as I grew less committed to holding everything to my high standards. I hope I can remind myself every Saturday that you just do not know what the day will bring and you don't really want to miss it...there's going to be something. And if there isn't, you will create it.