So Glorious and Complex

Yesterday was stupendously beautiful and full of everything, and very ironic. My sales were high, and in retrospect I think it was largely students from the UO and other schools who were out for their last market experience, or maybe first, before they leave town. I also had some Father's Day buying, for certain, and just many delighted people who were happy to find something useful in the bright hot sun and steady gusty breeze to keep their hair out of their eyes.

I don't have the energy right now to get into analyzing all of the irony, but it was thick and again I feel how diminished some of us are with this constant defending of our rights to think and speak freely without danger to our livelihoods. I noticed it after I actually gave in to a pushy man who wanted a discount for two hats, and was incredibly persistent. He succeeded in pushed me into fawning mode to get him to go away and that $5 was worth it, but did leave me with a sour taste for the first sale of the day. 

I have a lot of arguments against that type of person and I used a few on him. His wife was on my side. I wish I had stood my ground. Subsequent encounters with similar entitled men left me troubled on the whole, though I had many more visits with sweet and generous, wonderful people who were not like that at all. I see this as part of the cumulative damage that robs us of our agency as we struggle for our personal rights within the retaliatory atmosphere. Any negative encounter seems magnified, and we struggle to stay grounded within other people's disbelief and lack of acknowledgement of what we are certainly feeling, as if we were just creating drama as we are accused of doing. Nope. I have the receipts. 

One of my former friends made an effort to engage with me, I guess to prove how he could play the middle, but again, it didn't feel like support or friendship. I saw his other actions during the day. I can set my opinion aside to let him figure things out over time, but our friendship is over, even if he doesn't accept it. And we can't have the clarifying conversation, not now, and maybe not ever. A universe apart.

And there's a new book about the market, filled with things that represent what I see as a false reality. That person is great at micro aggressions but I actually don't think he knows it. In his author photo he is wearing one of the misprinted hats I stupidly gave members one year, with the market logo so mangled I couldn't even color it to save it. I thought people would wear them in their shops or something, realizing promoting the market or another artist with flawed items is not good for business or public relations, but he has persisted in wearing his. And there it is in a published market "history." 

I'll let go of my criticisms of his take for now as he has a right to his version of our shared reality, but in his last book, after I told him not to write about me, after a protracted set of discussions, he did use my name, and said I sold "hats made in China." Regardless of the effects on me, and the boundary violation, how can he think that is good for market? Yes, my hat bodies are imported, just like t-shirts and many other items that are embellished with craft techniques and safely within the guidelines. But my product has been a target for decades now, because it sells well and is mainstream and popular. So instead of honoring that by wearing a spiffy quality item on his head, there he is. Not a big deal, but history is history. I never want to imagine that people do this kind of thing on purpose, but as we know, some do.

I don't love it when I do well and other market members don't. One of the people I spoke with yesterday made nothing. Went into the negative, actually, as they still had to pay a fee and had paid that $10 a day for reserve and membership. That doesn't say healthy market to me. It's nothing they are doing wrong, either. Their work is expert, they have a variety of low and high-cost items, and they are dressed up and standing and responsive. It wasn't their crowd, for whatever reasons, like it was mine. But it should work for everyone. Their customers weren't being marketed to. 

There are always so many reasons for why we do or don't do well in sales in any particular moment. For me, that first sale threw me off but I quickly got back into gratitude and joy mode by going over to farmers to spend some money. I firmly believe in spreading money around and personally I rarely take discounts and would never ask for one. People set their prices where they are for good reasons.

Everyone has their contributions to make. Those of us still packing on the west block had the eminent  Walker T. Ryan playing and singing for us! I went right over there and thanked him properly, and patiently listened as he told me where all the best open mics are, in a discussion of how our busking policies are hard on musicians. I don't think he really knew who I was, but it was warm and a sweet addition to those fading moments as the day is over too soon for the energy. The drums went late.

It was a full week and this one will be crammed with work and thought, and writing I hope. If nothing else, yesterday was alive with mystery and excitement. A hummingbird visited Dave's (sadly, empty) feeders and he said, had to settle for the real flowers he brings to help sell his products. It then zipped through the booth across from me and narrowly missed me, and was later seen drinking from the fountain. It went by so fast I couldn't tell what it was even. And we had goldfinches, and more, and as I set off for home, up Park Street, one of the last few members to leave, a Great Blue Heron flew over me. I'll take that as auspicious.

Have a great weekend everyone. I plan a lot of rest and weeding today, and then if we get that rain, more weeding after it. I've been moving plants around and might get a vine maple. They are such lovely trees and if there is one in my neighborhood, I haven't seen it. I'd gladly even cut down one of my ancient lilacs, or consider it anyway. I have five of them. They do frame my front porch but they're not looking wonderful and pruning is becoming harder for me. 

Not dead yet, though! Full of joy.  

Connecting with Joy

 Yesterday was one of the most joyous ever, despite the chaos. There were far more, and far more delightful, people dressed in lingerie and PRIDE flags than there were misogynist men and women calling for everyone to shut up and ask their imaginary leader for protection from their thoughts and actions. It was so very noisy, amusing, and inspiring.

Those community members came to make sure that the center of town remains the community gathering place as declared in the 1850s, which though transformed many times with streets and buildings, is still powerful in its role and championing of free speech. The ugly pictures and intolerant ravings of people set on imposing their will on the majority did not win a thing yesterday, and were ebulliently escorted off the blocks when they decided to give up. Their message of silencing women and others was not getting across as women and others would not be silenced. 

My position throughout has been to ignore these proselytizers, whom I call the X-tians, who are from some other planet from the one I live on. Disrupting my day of work in the space I rent is not a fair plan from them, so I refuse to give them my energy. But I also support clowning them as hard as possible, which is what happened so well yesterday.

Amid the cold and inopportune showers, I tried to remain working and had a successful time of it. My foot hurt all day but I stand up, which is part of my success and I enjoy it. As always I got a lot of appreciation, visits from friends and neighbors, and food for thought from observing the actions and words around me. It's heaven for a writer and I wrote 12 pages today without even trying. I doubt I will ever run out of things to say.

Maintaining the frame of mind to do it is the challenge. I'm lucky to know people who can see me in my best light and stick with me while I shine. It's a gratifying time for me, with all of the current Kareng Fund success and a solid 50 years of membership behind me. I'm proud of what we built together and care about so deeply. I'm happy to host the community to come and express themselves, whether I agree or disagree with their thoughts and words. We wouldn't attract those X-tians and their formidable opposition if we weren't the power center that we are.

The irony was thick, as leaders from my own organization struck out to deny the rights of me and my fellow observers and joyful warriors. A leader sent out a market-wide email, something that is not available to most of us, to say that there are three bad actors who need to be removed from the membership for their opinions, but it landed badly and caused a lot of nasty comments on his apparent FB post, which I did not see. I did see a lot of people agreeing with his position, that throwing out members with derision and marginalization is a good value for our leadership to hold, and actions to take against their fellow members when they don't agree with them. Really? 

He didn't name names, so there were some people who think we are friends who piled on me, their friend. Would they really throw me out? Anyone who knows any history at all has seen me in it. I would say there is a preponderance of evidence that I work for the common good, lead from the middle, and care deeply about what the members want and need, coming from a deep understanding of our membership. It was obvious that there are plenty of members who don't know who these three people are, and were willing to believe the false narrative that there are only three of us having problems. It's in the hundreds, folks, which is why the leadership is so desperate to put out this fire.

Nobody likes to be lied to and manipulated and used, but I do think the truth will come out. I see that credit for the financials was not given to the Treasurer who resigned after preparing them and doing so for free for two years. He was so quickly erased and his words not shared, that it astonishes me. He told me something no one is being told...the 2025 taxes have not yet been paid. Those were due at the end of our fiscal year, March 31st. (Edit: I think they are actually due July 15th so I was wrong that they're in arrears.) That should come out of 2025 income. So that financial statement is not exactly accurate. The previous year that happened took a result of "just" $30,000 in losses to $70,000. Yes, a deficit of $70,000. And no one was accountable for that, clear, obvious, mismanagement of our money by our manager. It is in the GM job description. That person in that position is accountable for that duty to keep us fiscally responsible. Not the volunteer Treasurer or the Budget Committee, who did their jobs. The "lead professional." And the Board Chair is the boss of that employee, so the Board is also responsible. 

So firing the GM has been on the table. It's not something that just came up from 3 people. The truth is we are operating beyond our means, and nothing is being done about it but a series of crippling fee raises. It sounds like a lot of people spoke about the fees and finances at the Town Hall, but we still don't have the leadership to address it beyond putting bandaids on it. Because everything is fine!

Everything is so not fine. Half the reserved members did not come yesterday, mostly because they prefer not to sell in iffy weather, and no doubt some members looked at the costs of gas, the raised fees, and their own increased materials costs and said no to what could have been a marginal selling day. We will see this more often, the higher the costs go. We are not in a normal situation that is going to be fixed by selling some branded merchandise, particularly since we don't have a skilled artist on staff to direct or create such merch. I know. I sold my own, created, produced, and paid for by me, for four years with no institutional support. I donated 50 to 100% of the money I made to the market, in 2020 through 2023, when I turned to donating 50% to the Kareng Fund instead, where the need was greater. I got not one post by the market celebrating said merch. Not one, even after I asked for it. Customers loved it. I donated more than $4000. 

I stopped making it and gave the rest away when I began to truly see how much vitriol was being directed at me by the so-called wonderful staff I was paying for. I know what they said, and are saying now, to make a narrative where I am deserving of banning from the community. I know what my reality is. I don't recognize the narrative where everything is fine. For whom?  

Members losing their member rights, being banned from selling, losing their investments, being coerced to sign loyalty pledges that only go one way (supporting staff, not members or the org in general) all know what is not fine. We are being slow-walked to our demise as an organization that ought to be above destruction, as important as it is to thousands of people in our city and region.

And, amidst that miasma of irony and pain, every Saturday we come and connect with our joy. We smile until we hurt, affirm our long, lifetime friendships and family relationships, as well as thr brand new ones, and keep growing together in harmony week by week as we have for all this time. We stand there, feet hurting, and give. And give, and receive to give some more. 

Artisans are among the most generous, loving people in the world, which comes from the way our hands fit our clay, our tools bite into our wood, our stitches line up in graceful lines and spirals. Our kids learn to bake, to make things, to appreciate the process of it and the sometimes awkward results as we work together and apart to make our world hold meaning that can be shared. The value doesn't even fully translate on a day like yesterday, when we struggled to do it in the disarray, the disorder, and the beautiful dissension that is free speech.

So maybe kicking out three or four people who care enough to speak up might be a little shortsighted. Don't just listen to me, though. Think for yourself. 

On Saturday, did you stand with the bullies, or the liberators? What flag are you waving? Mine looks like this: 

 And this:

Be Nice

 Sure, I will Be Nice because I am not a mean person and just have an informed opinion, despite being portrayed as (choose your own derogatory term.) I have not gone to a Board meeting since I resigned as Secretary in August 2024, so for the record, I am not disrupting anyone's experience. I wrote to the Board, as any member must when they feel the Board needs to hear from them, but was and expected to be ignored. Writing in a blog is my free speech right, so if you don't like my opinions, don't read them. 

I am not part of any group or aligned with any other person in my opinions. I base them on the facts I observe and believe to be true. I don't want to argue with anyone, push my view on them, or in any way disrupt the natural flow of market from which we all benefit. I do not go around on Saturdays stirring up dissension. I respect my neighbors and fellow crafters and I keep my rants to this space, to allow us all to sell beside each other. I would participate in Board meetings again if I felt that truth was being told and the values I hold were being honored. I trust a couple of people are still trying to work that way, but the org as a whole is not. I refuse to engage with the people who have bullied me. 

I was prompted to write mostly by the resignation of our FOURTH Treasurer since this manager was hired, as well as four Assistant Managers and a qualified Promotions Manager. That's just the highlight of our staffing picture. All of the Treasurers, when asked, said the job was overwhelming, and all of them were doing the GM job for free while she got paid bigger and bigger bucks, far beyond what any of us earn, with a Gold Plan health insurance, far better than any of us probably have. Her daughter is also on that Gold Plan. We simply cannot afford to support this level of benefits while also being mismanaged in myriad ways. And the org has been unable to convince anyone to be Secretary, despite stripping out all of the oversight duties and the membership support that a Secretary must provide to keep the org lawful, communicative, and to keep the public record accurate and true. That is a whole post on its own and I've written it a few times now. So someone yelling at us to volunteer when things are in this state is not the tone that will help. 

Defend the staff all you want. I'm not anti-staff at all, in fact I am pro-staff. I just want a certain level of competence, harmony, and leadership for my fees. I notice the Chair's letter did not address any of the possible motivations for three (only three, such a small percentage of members) people calling for the replacement of the lead professional. Please note, I have never wanted the Membership Coordinator to be replaced. Let's not confuse the drama with the truth. Sadly, she trained herself and has never worked under a really good manager, so if she did leave out of loyalty I would not be happy, but I would hope for her if she did, to work under someone good at their job next time. 

The Treasurer who resigned spelled out a few issues that he had in mind. I give you his statement:  

5/6/2026 I am resigning as Saturday Market budget committee chair and treasurer effective immediately. I would like to share with you my reasons: 

• In the past Saturday Market staff have done our accounting, usually the manager. Now, staff do basic bookkeeping and data entry, but critical financial, budgeting, and accounting information used to run the business is lacking. The staff and board are relying on volunteers to do what should be staff work. The volunteer treasurer puts in the hours and then meets with the budget committee. They discuss the numbers and make recommendations to the board. Sometimes the board votes against the recommendations when they’re difficult and/or unpopular with management and staff. The budget committee is doing their job, but the board is ignoring the recommendations. 

• We can’t keep raising fees to spend more money. What about our stated mission to encourage new artists? 

• Nepotism exists on our staff. It’s understandable we want to hire those we care about, but nepotism is wrong. It is illegal. It makes honest discussion about ever growing payroll and staffing impossible. And we need to have those honest discussions. 

• I volunteer to contribute my skills and time to a cause I love and to feel good about contributing to a larger purpose. I feel from a financial standpoint we are heading for trouble, and I don’t want to be part of that.

He submitted his statement respectfully but the Chair did not address any of his concerns, but I didn't expect that either. I have a few more reasons, including that anyone who has a different opinion than the Board Chair is vilified, marginalized, and portrayed as a threat or a terrible force that must be shunned. We have over 600 members. One might expect a few different opinions, and a few members willing to put those opinions into the common discourse. One might expect the occasional member who would like to see people held accountable for unethical things they did, or see staff held to their job descriptions, as a minimal expectation of performance. That wouldn't be drama, under real professionals. That would be a discussion of facts, with reasons, and reform if needed. See what happened to the police officer who had a racist discussion? Unacceptable. Yet our manager told one of our esteemed members that she hadn't written a letter she submitted, because her English wasn't good enough. Please note that none of our current staff is bilingual. If there is a language barrier (which there wasn't in that clear and heartfelt letter) than it is on the org, not the members. 

We have a Board, a Personnel Committee, a bit of a Budget Committee left, and some small but I am sure dedicated to their tasks Committees such as HM, Sustainability, and Standards. I have no doubt that most of those volunteers are working hard and doing what needs to be done. As someone who volunteered for most of my 51 years, I know how these things work. I've worked with maybe 20 managers. I've never worked in an atmosphere this toxic. I know just what has been said about me in the office, after instead of thanks after 15 years of hard service, I "left them in the lurch." That was the mildest thing. The office is a professional place where members should never be discussed as gossip, or targets of humiliation and marginalization. I could go on, but this situation is not about me, it's about dozens of members. Not three. Many have gone away rather than deal with this toxicity. 

Not only is my opinion not welcome, I am at risk of retaliation for sharing it, and dismissed with a blanket disapproval of my character, intentions, and hard work for decades. I've been treated much better than a lot of people, so I suppose I should be grateful for that. I have, however, been used, manipulated, lied to, and bullied for the last four years, something that never happened to me in all of the previous decades. Sometimes I had to be the one to stand in the fray, and fire managers who of course had support and people who loved them. We don't all think alike. 

But when it comes to hiring, retaining, and training the good management we are paying for, and deserve, I pitched in to put that in place with my whole heart, and hundreds, maybe thousands of my volunteer hours. I am not deserving of the general vilification of those who disagree and have the courage to take steps that are unpopular. I don't care about popularity. No one is deserving of that treatment for volunteering. It is hard, with many choices that are practical, tough, and needed. Drama about hurt feelings is not a professional response to a professional situation. Drama is now our go-to whenever anything happens. It is driving people away who would make excellent contributions if allowed and respected. The contempt is daunting and undeserved.

I care about affordable fees, benefits, salaries, and the protection of volunteers and other members from manipulation, lies, and attacks on their characters. Not everyone has to think or do things the same way. Discussions are supposed to include diverse opinions and dissent. That is how good policy and decisions are made. Pushing everyone out of the room, taking away their selling rights and community, and vilifying people who have the same rights to their opinions as everyone else, is a losing strategy that will get none of our problems solved. 

Serving the market is not about honor and power and railing against people who disagree as if opinions were threats. Opinions are just that. Being afraid to think for yourself, express yourself honestly according to your observations, and speak about things that need improvement is dysfunctional for a membership organization, and a far cry from anyone's experience in all of our history. 

We've had struggles. There have been things only a few saw or heard and no one wants to bring up, that didn't go well. They become history. It's important that people are honest. Please think for yourself. 

We don't have to take our life advice from Thumper. Nice is not the right goal, to my mind. It falls far short of what is coming from those who would have us shut up. When are they going to start being nice to people who disagree with them?   

Fire the GM

 A call has gone out to fire the GM. It actually didn't go that far, but I pushed it forward. This is the time. There are sufficient grounds, proof, and a preponderance of evidence. 

The entire market is being bullied by one person and what she has put in place. Fees are being raised beyond affordability to pay her and her daughter hefty salaries and benefits that they do not earn. Their skill sets are far lower than the ones needed for these jobs. Everyone feels like a captive in a nightmare.

I'm amazed at the courage of those who are speaking up. And so grateful. I ask myself why I have not railed more often about these issues, why I just took the role of witness without solutions. We should perhaps all ask ourselves that. Fear of retaliation is big, so we need to make sure that all of us stand together so no one is singled out.

The entire Eugene community is aware of all this. Many have been waiting for someone to bring it to light. Pay attention.

Founder's Day

 

I found this poster, folded up and a bit dirty, in Lotte's boxes of archives she gave me. This was the original, first market in 1970. It's astonishing really. I am not sure who made it, though I have one name that is probably the artist, who was a printmaker at the time. Sign your work, people.  Archivists will appreciate it. 

I used to make a huge deal out of our annual birthday, and when the archives were first being organized, I would bring a full tote of them down to market, with tables and tablecloths and flowers and a whole display which first was on the deck, and then in the space next to me, when I was in the little space that is now #132. I'd leave some products home and engage with people all day instead of doing my regular job of selling. It was super fun. 

Back then it was not common knowledge that we started in 1970, or that the farmers sold with us, or any of what we know now that the archives are organized and I've taken notes so I can locate items of interest. The actual archives of the 70s and 80s are locked in the office and presumably you can go and look through them. I also archived the farmers market, before and after they became LCFM, though I see now they have gone back to the false narrative that they started over 100 years ago. There was an 11 year gap between the Producers' Market of old and the bringing back of produce downtown spearheaded by Lotte and her friends and supported for the first 15 years by our market members. The actual LCFM launched in 1979 when the County got interested in helping them. They put out a bid for a sponsor, and Saturday Market was the only one who stepped up. I've given up trying to get them to give that correct history, but someday that book could be written. 

Here are a few photos of the Founder's Day efforts I made back when I was supported in these things. Back before I was undermined and attacked and suspected of all kinds of things by people who wanted me to be little and meek. Back when we had trust and excellent inclusive values in our market. 

 

Kareng Fund Success!

 The Kareng Fund /Caring fund successfully requested a grant from the Jill Heiman Vision Fund of OCF. We and four other nonprofits will receive funds in the fall for our work supporting basic needs. The amount will depend on how much the Vision Fund receives in donations, so while I have always supported the JHVF, I will drop a bigger percentage into that wooden box across the path at Community Village Info. You can find boxes at Info Booths all around the Fair during the event and can also of course donate through OCF at any time. You can find them at https://www.oregoncountryfair.org/about-ocf/philanthropy/philanthropy-vision/ 

In addition, we won a part in the Amplify program just implemented by the Eugene Weekly. We got two free ads, and help with our other ads, so we can let you all know about Art Bingo and help our event to grow and magnify your support. I personally love the Weekly deeply and read it in print every week, plus keep it in the archives when we are mentioned, or any of the other groups I archive are mentioned, or advertise. Support the Weekly! We're so lucky to have great local journalism. And they are trying to stay afloat, buy their building, and train up young writers and artists so just because it is a free paper does not mean you can't give money to them. They are worth it!

And direct donations are always welcome to the Kareng Fund. You can do that at our website,  www.karengfund.org  or to any Board member of the KF (me, Alex, Dru, Dave, Fiona, Bill, Julia, Brandi and sue.) We can be trusted to see that your donations will make it to artisans in need.

We have worked hard at being a responsible, real nonprofit. The only money we really spend outside of grants is to the Center for Nonprofit Law, our agent, who makes sure we don't mess anything up and who is available for our questions. We did spend funds to get the 501c3 designation and to be tax-exempt, and it was money well spent. All of the current directors at the time were trained, by the experts, and we received a lot of training and managing materials to support us, which we share with new directors when we appoint them. It's not all that complicated, but it is essential to us to be trustworthy with your donations of cash and in-kind materials. We do buy raffle tickets and some promotional materials but for things like the Guidebook ad and others,  our Board members generally make personal donations to do that for us. And like good Board members, we put in the volunteer time to make our fund grow and serve. 

We do depend on donations, which generally come from those in the market and fair community, but we need to expand our reach, so if you know people who like to support artisans, pitch it to them. Every dollar helps someone you might even know who is having a hard time. We've given over $130,000 in our twenty-two years. I find that remarkable. Alex wants us to give away a million. It's good to have goals. 

We have printed receipt forms, that will be signed by an officer, for you to use for your tax-deductible donations. I will clarify that not everything is tax-deductible, and you should check with your tax preparer and tax law if you are unsure. Cash donations are fully deductible within the limits of how you prepare your taxes. When you donate a craft, that is what is called an in-kind donation, and a part of that is deductible. When you buy a raffle ticket or an item at the Pottery Smash, and receive something in return for your money, only part of that is deductible. You can deduct the amount of value of your donation that exceeds the value of the craft itself. Logically, you deduct the part you did not get something in return for. Most times, at the Smash for instance, or with the basket, you received far more in material value than you spent. All of that info is widely available online or from the IRS or a tax preparer. 

But most of that is between you and your tax preparer and the IRS. Be assured that we follow all of the steps at our end to be legal, so please ask me for a receipt if you want one. For your envelope donations, if you are a member of SM, you should be getting a receipt from the market that shows your amount,  and you can use that, with our IRS number, (which is on our website, and is 46-1198603.) I will still be glad to give you a form, so please ask. Saturday Market staff used to give those receipts at the market office but I am not sure if they still do; it seems to be inconsistent. Supposedly it is on your profile, but I can't access mine, so your mileage may also vary. Keep those weekly receipts. 

Like all nonprofits, we are transparent with our practices and finances, although the grant process is confidential. We won't tell you who has received a grant, or why. If you apply, that information is safe with us. If the grant recipient wants to give us a testimonial, that is welcome, but we are all committed to keeping your private business private. We don't disclose our donors either, unless it is public information like our recent grants from the OCF and from the Weekly. Nonprofits are required to file forms, the CT-12 and the 990, to show what their accountability is, and for the raffle I fill out a stupidly long form once a year to make sure I am aware of all the raffle laws and requirements, supervised by the Oregon Department of Justice. And pay a registration fee. At the level of our proceeds, this is actually more than is legally required, but I do it anyway, because we have nothing to hide, and there is always a chance someone will take us over that $10,000 level by dropping a giant check into the raffle collections. You just never know. 

For the last three years, we have been undermined and micro-aggressed by the market staff. Now it has devolved to us being accused of fraud. We would never consider doing anything fraudulent with other people's money. I trust the entire KF Board and Friends who have assisted us, so if you hear this nasty rumor, check the source. 

Operating by trust has always been the artisan culture way, and that hasn't changed, although when besieged by predators it can seem foolish and naive. Remember that the crime is not in the trust, but in the predation. Support your artisan community. You may not need help now, but there may come a time, and anyone who thinks to destroy this asset we have built must be stopped and shunned. 

So many people are genuine and good. That's the world I want to live in, and I'll never stop working to do my part to preserve and protect it. Thank you for joining with me in that. Let's leverage these generous organizations in amplifying and increasing the good, and keep moving forward in co-creating the world that serves us all best. 

A Weekend that Spilled Over

 Life is too full sometimes. Market last week was perfect in so many ways, but that part that is not visible on Saturdays to most people is still operating even while we pretend otherwise. Another member was punished in a secret process that resulted in a suspension of selling rights. In the past we protected selling rights for everyone not involved in a serious crime, recognizing that not only is that our main mission and reason for existing, to provide selling space for our members, but that our members have the right to a fair and reasonable process for the times they do make mistakes or get caught up in something that curtails other members' rights. In this Punishment Era, things move swiftly with some people having already predetermined the guilt and outcome before everyone has the chance to participate in a process that honors everyone involved. People make mistakes. They still deserve respect and finding solutions that won't just make things worse. That was increasingly Then and this is disappointingly Now. 

I was trying to explain our traditional culture to someone who hasn't been seeing it, which is a sad part of my present as I feel somewhat sure it is lost in so many ways. Many of us who carry it forward are not being able to convey it, with the false narratives and the short-sighted actions of others who are dominating the org right now. After yesterday I feel more compelled to ramp up fighting for it. I remember that I made a promise to Lotte to bring her legacy forward, and I can't let that drop.  

It was a life-affirming day though, perfect weather and lots of appreciative participants of every kind. I rode home much lighter and had an event to be at by 7:00 pm, which is generally when I get finished, but I ended up having plenty of time to walk down there and enjoy it in a relaxed way. I was so glad I made the effort. A delightful friend launched her book with a layered experience that she had lined up for all of us. She brilliantly staged the violin, drums and recorders, as well as a second poet and a dancer, all around the audience so we felt asked to be part of things, not just observers of them. She even had a comment period at the end where many of us spoke our appreciation and reflections of her nuanced expressions. It was lovely and I walked home with a smile and some cookies that made up for the fact that I had been too busy at the market to get my usual cookies for the week. I'm savoring them slowly.

Sunday was quiet dishwashing time until I went to a memorial for my dear friend George, a 50-year friend who, as it turns out, I knew much less of than I thought. He was revealed as a person who made a special connection with all of us, so that we knew how much we had to contribute and felt honored and supported to do that. His legacy was so strong that it will persist as not many individuals will after their bodies are used up. The stories were not enough, just glimpses, and we had cards to write more for a book I can't wait to read. Still we won't hear everything. I won't tell everything I know, though I've written about our friendship before over the years and may still have more to say.

I remembered that he had built me my first bike cart! I had forgotten that I asked him to do that after my idea for a cart that would make itself into a booth didn't really work out in 1976. He welded me up an aluminum and steel very serviceable cart I used for years. Since I still or again bike to the market, which I have done for the majority of my time selling, his support created a lasting planetary effect. We saved thousands of gallons of fossil fuels over my 51-year retail lifespan. And of course there were ripples. 

I was kind of in the fringes of his big circle but I was his signpainter and screenprinter for most of our history, and he was my longest collaborator. No one really spoke about the fabulous treehouse which is painted like a Romany wagon in the sky, which I painted a lot of gold One-Shot onto, twice. He let me choose the designs and set me free. The first time it took 80 hours and we hadn't discussed money, so I made myself charge him $10 an hour even though that sounded outrageous, and as usual, he never questioned my bill. The second time was just a couple of years ago and a lovely space of time when I was at his house daily watching and being in his life, a time I will treasure. I did it for the cost of materials, so free. I was honored to do that. I was paid in a few peaches, some glorious summer days and a peaceful, enriching space in my life for my memory bank.

To me we had a deep love without attachment or expectations, which is the ideal I reach for in relationships, just love, no complications. No desire, no suffering, the space to disagree or adjust to events and still love. It prompted me to share with a friend who agreed..."I will never be mad at you." Could be true, and if we say it out loud like that there is a bigger chance we can keep it true. I've talked about being lifetime friends with a few people and it didn't always hold, although since life is not over, and distance is allowed, those statements of trust might still hold firm. I suppose they are as firm as my ability to hold compassion and forgiveness and hope. I think we're good there.

I generally need a non-verbal day on Sundays so I faded out of the parties before saying proper goodbyes and missed speaking with a few loved ones, but I'll take the next chance to make sure they know I learned something from George and from Kelly. I'm not a natural collaborator...too impatient for the work to get done and laughably selfish and attached to pride in productive work. But they always show me how, by example, and in George's case, he spread that so thickly in his world that it isn't going to be even faded for some time. I got some gladiolus bulbs to plant from their generous sharing so I'll have one more tangible thing left. We will all have many tangible leftovers from his walk among us. 

I still have room and I hope, time, to improve and plan to work at it. As I am capable of doing less physically, I can do more in other ways to make sure my work is honorable, less selfish, and more thoughtful of others. I got lucky when we sat at that poker table so many years ago, and our magnetic attraction had a place to start. We were six months apart, a Scorpio and a Taurus with Scorpio rising, and I believe we harnessed that well. Mostly because of how he challenged me to learn and try, and how he honored me with his trust and support. Even when we disagreed we could see that it hadn't shaken our basis. 

I didn't know he had said goodbye to me but now I see that he had, one day at the market, and if I look back in my journal I'll bet I knew it then. His last few years included a fragility so I knew every time was precious, however brief. He's really my first big friendship loss, not the first loss of course, but the biggest. When I learned he had died I dreamed I was riding on the back of his motorcycle off into wherever, and truthfully, I think I would have followed him anywhere. Along with a large crowd of what can only be described as "us."

He walked among us. Strong and humble, brave. Someone quoted him as saying "If the unknown scares you, get to know it." I'm just going to look forward to continuing to hear from him as he gently fades into whatever his project is at the moment. Making my gladiolus bloom I hope, in some surprising color.