And once again, it didn't rain!

 Boy, yesterday the Cornhuskers really turned out! (The newsletter listed them as the Hukers. I hope they didn't see that. Proofread, people!)) I had fun telling a few that I was half-Nebraskan, since my mother grew up there. Those 8 pm games are wonderful for us. I wish that happened every week in football season. Sadly, the market booths were very thin in number and one person I spoke with even had a zero day. Yes I bought something from them! No one should be having a zero day at our market. 

We uplift each other. People said this to me several times throughout the day. That's who we are, working together for the success of all of us. That takes many forms and we used to be able to count on it. Even all the effort it takes to smile all day and thank people for coming has a rippling effect that benefits us all.

I heard from the organization and got the response I should have expected. What no one said is "we're so sorry you don't feel safe at market and you don't deserve this treatment...no one does." Yeah, I didn't expect that, so not surprising. We don't have a whistleblower policy and I haven't filed official complaints that would lead to any kind of formal process, since all of the letters I have written to the org about the situation have not been responded to, except by spin going out to the members to deny or lie about what my letters referred to. So I have not been encouraged about the processes available to me.

I've asked for ethical choices and haven't received any assurance that those were being considered. Of course I hope that behind the closed doors of the closed meetings and email threads (which are also closed meetings, and not public) ethical choices are at least being suggested. We do have some volunteers who are trying hard to do the right things. It hasn't been easy for them, or so I have observed.

I'm not sure yet what my response will be to the official emailed letter that came on a Friday night, ten days after the incident that prompted it. Just a suggestion in the future: members generally do not want to get problematic issues put on their minds on Friday nights. It's not respectful. 

I can read that the org is having to walk on a very thin line, evaluating legal advice and their few options. Probably any organization would be on that same line. It's not really their job to offer comfort or reassurance, though they could each do that privately I suppose. No one did, at least so far. I'm sure it was not easy to craft a letter to me about the complex issue. And I do not have an easily crafted response.

For the record, they didn't punish me, for being the target of bullying. They basically requested that I punish myself, and disregard my own ethics, and solve this gigantic problem myself without discussing it here. Be quiet, please. 

Well, we all know being quiet does not fix problems. But there are enough problems that I can speak about a few others while I process their request and examine my own options.

It seems that in America your free speech and human rights are only as deep as your pockets and ability to spend money to defend them. But you knew that already, I'm sure. That's one reason why we all work so hard to make a living, in case our rights are put in jeopardy. Elder abuse is real, disabled folks have to fight every damn day, and it's easy to see how hard it is for any marginalized group. I witnessed a shocking episode yesterday where someone leaving my booth in a wheelchair was so ignored by a bystander that they had to push their way through. They seemed possibly nonverbal but they knew their rights and observed that my booth was accessible, so they accessed it. But this person, who was oblivious, was obnoxious. It was disturbing. I try hard to make my booth accessible, and in an 8x8 space that is not easy. One reason the city wanted to remodel the Park Blocks was to improve accessibility and I learned that if they fixed one thing in that area, they would be required to fix all the things. That's why we aren't seeing partial fixes, though there was an effort to improve the sidewalks. But that's a long post for another time. I learned so much in that two years that we worked on the redesign. 

Yesterday I did work hard, and connected with my joy and all that, and it was a lovely fall day. A friend who used to work for market volunteered to set up the Kareng Fund booth as a nonprofit to amplify our work and collect donations. She did a fabulous job and we had fun discussing our lives, history and all of the things we love about the market. By the way, if any others of you who have the time and energy want to do that, we at the Kareng Fund would love the help. Most of us are actively selling and we can't run two booths. It makes a big difference when a human is there to speak about the fund and our important work. There will also be opportunities for that at the Holiday Market. My friend will be there on Oct. 31st also, so come say hi. You can also easily donate on our website, www.karengfund.org

So I got my HM invoice, and it shows I owe $25 which is an error, but I have been trying for an hour to access my portal to check on that, and despite the automatic systems, I can't get in. It doesn't show on my receipt issued Oct. 6th. It says for Oct. 7th, which you might remember was a Wednesday, so whatever it is, it's not correct. It happens to be the day I got the certified letters, though. Was I billed for that? That would be amusing. 

My invoice also shows I paid $80 less than I actually paid, as the corner tax does not show on the invoice. It's a redesigned invoice, so too bad they couldn't get that on it. I like records that are correct. 

It will be nice when they get the bugs worked out of the website. I was able to update my listing, so that part was working, and as promised, easy to use, with immediate results. I can now find the minutes that have been approved of both the board and Standards Committee, so that is useful.  

 It's also a big waste of staff time when we have to contact them in person for every little thing, and it feels like gatekeeping to me. Systems are designed so that not every detail needs to be handled one-on-one. Maybe that will happen in the future. 

 

 

 

New Hats and No Kings

 

Oh yeah, I heard from the board last night. 

Patterns

 People keep telling me they don't see the patterns. Here are some tips, though I can't cover it all in one post:

Watch what happens when you disagree. With anything, even a small thing. 

Put yourself outside the in-group and see how easy (or not) it is for you to get information, answers, or current policies. There is a gatekeeper and you have to ask permission for nearly everything now. That is a control tactic.

Observe meetings and their minutes. What is not being transparently shared? Look at the policies that are available. Most are not being updated. Minutes on the website stop at April. Standards minutes stop at June. The last election was run with an outdated elections policy and votes were disqualified because of it, for things that had been changed. 

Can you attend committee meetings? They are not confidential, but if the committee is doing business by email, that is a closed meeting. Nothing is published from those, so you won't even know about them. Can you sit in? Do you feel welcome? 

When you ask questions, do you get satisfactory answers? Are you notified about policy discussions that will affect your craft or business, before the policies are put in place? It used to be the practice to notify all of the jewelers when jewelry standard changes were proposed. Or all the hatmakers. Not after the decision was made.  

If you take minutes for a committee, are your minutes published as you wrote them? Are you pressured to leave things out that were discussed at the meeting? Our minutes used to be the main way we could keep up with all of the committees and what they were doing, so when things came to the Board, we would have background and could do research to assist us in forming opinions. It's good when there are lots of different opinions so that all aspects of decisions can be examined before policy is set. Those minutes are also the backbone of the archives, so future discussions can include what has come before.  

Compare your access to what was traditional before 2022. Are you pleased with the way the general culture has changed? 

Ask questions, and evaluate the answers for yourself. Were you given excuses, stonewalled, or distracted? Did you have to ask repeatedly? Did the temperature change in the interactions if you persisted? 

Are you being treated professionally when you represent your business? 

Do you ever feel watched, inappropriately photographed without your permission, or judged by whom you speak to or associate with? Do you feel safe?

What happens if your opinion is different from the majority? Do you get treated like a problem and get pressure to change your mind? 

Do you ever feel manipulated or controlled? Do you observe other members being manipulated or controlled? 

Do you observe and feel equal treatment among the rest of the membership? Do you see or feel favoritism?

What is your trust level as a member and as a business, in your workplace? I've been accused of stalking someone whom I have not spoken with in almost a year, and had a no-contact policy with for much longer than that. Are your boundaries respected? Mine have not been.

Check with your friends and neighbors. Do they seem to be having problems they are reluctant to talk about? Do they seem shamed or make excuses about it? Many of us have been taught to be people-pleasing and minimize our discomfort. Are they covering anger with depression? 

Have you experienced triangulation, where something you said to one person was spread and other people then confronted you about it? This isn't just simple gossip. Were false stories spread about you? Did people feel free to interpret your words without checking with you first? 

Do you feel like your vulnerabilities and disabilities are supported, or targeted? Can you expect a truly compassionate response when things get difficult? Do you feel pushed into losing your composure? Given impossible choices?

When you share your sales information with your friends, are they experiencing what you are? My sales are way down. I'm not seeing the droves of students who usually support my business. I can easily compare with data from past years for myself. Can we compare our financial info with past years? What are the trends the org is seeing? Where are the tracking practices we used in the recent past?

If you are identifying trends that you think are contributing to lower sales, are your suggestions for improvement being listened to? Do your tags on your posts get shared? Are you amplified or featured, in ways that you are pleased with? Do your ideas get shut down, or are you blocked from doing things as an independent member?  

How hard are you actually working to see the patterns? I had to do a lot of work to see the ways I was complicit, was being used or deceived, and acknowledge what my body was telling me when I was being manipulated or bullied. It can be subtle and tailored to your personality. I had to compare notes to see that there were patterns that repeated and were identifiable. I had to read a lot of books and articles I didn't want to read. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps the Score.

Bullying isn't acceptable and it is destructive to mental, emotional, and physical health. It is wrapped in denial and pressure to not make waves or be negative. Toxic positivity is real. 

Do you support my free speech and my right to have my own opinions? Are you okay with me being driven from the marketplace I have built and shepherded for 51 years for writing about my own experiences and those I have directly observed and have had reported to me (yes, in writing) ?

Do you feel a distance from all of this, like maybe it is theoretical or maybe not even true? 

Listen to yourself, and bring out your empathy and compassion. Don't just wait to be next, thinking it could never happen to you. I was an enabler for quite awhile until I started looking behind the curtain. I'm not proud of it. I've apologized to people and held myself accountable. Sadly, the past is done.

Would you like to create a better future? There are plenty of ways you can take part in that. 

 

 

Full Up

 So much to write about today. Market was so cold, then so hot, then so cold. I really really miss summer. And I miss tourists! There were some, but the less-than-full market rewarded at least me with dismal sales. But I did have the usual amount of inspiring, super-enjoyable conversations and so much laughter and food and reasons for joy. If you haven't tried the Basque cheesecake at Aida foods at the farmers' market, sure it isn't Dana's but it helps. And the Hedge Witch on our west block (usually) has shortbread cookies that are divine. Plus we have the new breads and treats from Huggen Kiss Bakery who always has a crowd. Dang, I just realized that my new pledge means I can't say any of their names either. I knew there was some mistake in making a concession. (I'll be sure to tell you if you ask me in person.)

One of the benefits of these emptier markets is that the shy people feel safer to engage. I have some customers and friends who won't come around when they see I am busy selling, which is of course respectful and proper, but I am always there to do a lot more than sell crafts. All of us are. Beth regularly reminded us and wrote essays on the subject of us being more than a market. The community gathering at the center of town carries a weight and gravity of its own and after this long, lives on its own terms. We are an agent of part of it, but not the whole, and not that important to a lot of people. I don't want the No Kings march to protect my income...I want it to protect my country and its people!  

When people don't have money, they are still welcome to come and see the entertainments, busking, and random things like the people with the pet possum who bought it a little tie-dyed shirt. I guess that member has a lot of stories about items sold to people who were buying them for unconventional purposes. Made me want to repost this odd photo from the archives. Yes, this happened. In the 70s. 

I want people to just come and visit, walk through, whatever they want to do. Play chess on the lawn, sing to me, show off your body art, come ask the sewists what to do with your reclaimed fabric from Aunt Lud. Whatever you want to do! It is your space too. 

Since a community gathering place was new, so many  people always came down for so many reasons. We've had every kind of animal I think, and still see parrots and lizards and kitties in strollers and all the kinds of dogs, and so, so many different and fascinating people. And this has continued to happen weekly for thousands of weeks now (30 x 57, roughly...more really since we used to sell in December there too.)

I always say that it is still different every week for me, always delightful in some ways, perplexing in others, and sometimes it takes awhile to process things. 

Like, someone told me no one believes what they heard about me. Why did I not ask them what that was? I know some of the things that have been said, and from observation of how it worked with others, I can certainly fill in some of the blanks.

Several women I know of a certain age were said to be doing things that indicated they were acting from some type of mental illness...they said unintelligible things,  had irritating habits, were irrational, or just spewing negativity like me. They sometimes needed help as has been offered, in setting up or moving things, but that help had a limit on it. 

Some people pay for help, and that's an option if I am disabled, like I was when I broke my wrist. I declined that help and just took October off (sadly, because it was probably the sunniest and busiest October ever) but there are lots of ways to ameliorate aging or disability or curtailing of membership and those things are now part of my plans. But I directly witnessed these personal attacks and it took me awhile to see that pattern and even longer to see it applied to me. It is presented as an endearing story, like the time I took a suitcase left on the sidewalk to the corner, not knowing the person had made threats about it. Fortunately it wasn't a bomb, but this continues to be used as a dig that portrays me as naive and gullible. Hey, I am, but you don't have to spread that. I am also smart, savvy and informed and educated. And good at pattern recognition! 

I'll repeat that no official actions have been taken against me, but the beatings will continue until morale improves, as narcissists always have to win, and bullying is a beast.

Bullies and narcissists isolate their victims, so they will be discouraged and embarrassed and won't seek help, but I sought plenty of help this week and I'm standing strong. I'm not the only person being bullied, and the pattern matters, with many people in our community trained to see patterns and even to act on them. Using the organization to bully is particularly egregious, so anyone doing that should think again. We are a mutual benefit nonprofit for the benefit of members...so we will stand up for each other (theoretically) if we are actually finding the facts and not a lot of confusing gaslighting and false narratives. As I've said, I tell the truth, so maybe other people are lying. Always a possibility. Consider your sources if you are hearing things about me...come ask me! I am approachable unless you have bullied me before, and maybe even then. I did develop a no-contact policy for people who bully me, so I may decline to speak to you, but then again, depends on your approach.

Don't violate my boundaries. I've been clear about them. I require professional, formal communications from my organization regarding my business and livelihood. Still waiting on those. Even the NoC did not come in the form it was supposed to, and while I tried to get out ahead of it with a letter to the committee, that didn't help me and I won't do that again. Over-explaining is one defense tactic bullied people often engage in, but it doesn't work, just provides the bully with more fuel. I reacted out of the stress, as it was calculated that I would do, right before OCF. My personal bully knows all about how to get to me. I put it all in here, since being vulnerable is part of my plan as a writer! They say you sit down at the keyboard and open a vein. I do that but didn't realize it would bring me more than I expected. Yup, naive. 

And again, if people haven't learned in the last few years, with all of the available information about these patterns, stand with the victims. If you are wrong, you can always shift your alliance, but first honor the oppressed person and look for the evidence. DARVO, in which bullies play the victim themselves, is a huge weapon used in these patterns, because a liar and manipulator finds it easy to do, and is usually skilled. Real victims often struggle through intimidation and fear, and don't know who to trust. But they will tell the truth if they feel safe. So help them feel safe. Stand next to them! 

Like for instance, people who have always greeted me in friendly ways didn't yesterday. So can I trust them to uphold my constitutional rights? Am I safe with them? The number of people I feel safe about at the market went down radically. Most of them were not there yesterday, but there is another factor in play...guilt by association. If I am being accused of something, that somehow extends to everyone I am seen talking to, which in any given Saturday is in the dozens to hundreds. 

So friends become reluctant to engage, just in case. Being isolated in the public square is particularly painful. I see some people new to town who don't know how lonely they look to me...because I have been there. I try to smile at everyone. I belong there. I have earned everything I gain from the  market through my hard work and dedication to the common good. So ask yourself who you are listening to, and what their motivations might be. Broaden your perspective. 

In response to what is going on, I checked my copy of the Bill of Rights. Sorry, USA, not that helpful. However, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is packed with articles and statements that I can use in my defense in the event of the legal actions that I was threatened with. I think I would win even if I wrote my defense myself. However, if any of my lawyer friends want to give me some guidance, I would be happy to listen. I was hoping a couple might stop by yesterday, but mostly I just had my market friends to commiserate with, some of whom are in the same position of being oppressed by authoritarian forces. I remembered that I even know some judges personally. I feel protected.  

But of course I thought about walking away. Even my membership is not worth giving up my human rights. Even if I had to live in my car I would be a writer. So there's that.

And, there is the public forum of the community we live in. I can access that at any time, and a free speech issue would be juicy and fun for everyone. I noticed a lot of letters in the RG this morning and a greater effort at transparency. There are members who are also ready to focus on that. Currently we have so much gatekeeping that you can't even secure a copy of our bylaws without asking someone in power for it. That can't be legal. 

I was advised to make sure every member sees those letters. I'm not quite ready to go there, but every member has a vested interest in that. Kicking me out would not go well. I'm just supposed to be threatened by it enough to shut up and hang my head in shame for speaking out so coherently. I don't think that is good for the community. We want transparency, accountability, safety and that old prosperity and fun for everyone. 

I know shame. I'm not feeling it. I'm vaguely uncomfortable about making any changes to my writing at all, but as I said, my duty of care is to the organization. We're all struggling enough to make a living right now. But next week is No Kings! Imma make some big signs. I hope my lawyer friends will stop by. 

 Joy, everyone! We have many tales yet to relate. 

 

Free Speech Rights

Well friends, I received a cease and desist letter this week, from an individual, not as an official action of my organization, but I have decided that to lessen pressure on my life, going forward I will double down on my duty of care for that organization and make sure that everything I write does not include name or title.

I honor free speech above a lot of things, and at this time in the big world, I would never give up my free speech rights for any reason. I hold those close to my heart as a human, and in fact, they are my human rights. But my duty of care has driven my professional life with this organization for 51 years and it is so very important to me. I have never desired to hurt the organization and as I've said many times, I do not want to fault volunteers who are doing their best.

While I did not receive any direct or professional communications from the organization at this point in time, I am drawing this line here as notice that they don't need to take any actions to limit me.

I'm still writing personal nonfiction on this tiny space of the internet and I will still be writing. You may not agree with my opinions but facts are facts and truth is truth. 

Rising to the moment is often difficult and we are in such a fractious atmosphere in this world. I want to make it clear that duty of care for all four of my membership organizations is vital to me. I also care deeply for my peace and my ability to finish out my life span in positive ways, as I have always tried to live. 

You can disregard my opinions, but there are no alternative facts. 

 

And Then We Die

 

Got a call from an old friend who is preparing her dying process...it was oddly such a life-affirming conversation thread we had, full of laughter and wonder. She has a shirt I made using art from my son at about age 5, and wore it and everyone on her care team wants one. Fortunately that is the last remaining box of shirts in my shop, shirts by my son. Just the right amount for her team. 

She has a form of dementia, called PCA, Posterior Cortical Atrophy, a terrifying and tragic form for an artist, where you lose your visual powers over time. She can no longer read or write, which is heartbreaking enough, but she is a painter among her many talents, and said she took a painting off the wall, saw her name on the back, but could not recognize it and had no understanding of it. It seems perplexing and her attitude is great, but she has been suffering for a very long time and some of her strength comes from taking control of the situation for herself. Brains...yikes. All those complex fold and neurons and then things start just decomposing. I did not know there are a dozen types of dementia...so many kinds. And you surely can get more than one at a time. Let's embrace the horror of that while we look at the yellowing leaves and birds flitting around the yard. 

It is not widely known but it is legal and screams Bodily Autonomy to know that VSED is a remedy that goes beyond Physician Assisted death. That stands for Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. It takes a care team and is not an easy choice, and it takes some time to work. I have heard of others who have used it. She is angry that no doctor told her about it and wants to amplify it, so I'm putting something on the back of the shirts for her. A lot of her life has been about fighting for rights, as she is in the LGBTQ++ community and has not had an easy time of it, but carved out a great life for herself and accomplished some amazing things. And now not just dignity but positive change by sharing her life and death.

She had a hellish time getting a diagnosis but finally went to OHSU and got the care she needed. Of course there is no treatment, just suffering, so she worked out her choice and set it in motion. She exhibits a lot of joy and that is the tone she is setting and shares with her team. The shirt is perfect for that. We're all delighted in the midst of grief.  

This kind of real facing of grief is such a relief for everyone, as you can then be free to talk about it all, the sorrow, what you will miss, what you are feeling, how much and in how many ways you love the person and what you have shared. You can tell jokes, and laugh, and she got me laughing about my own situations, which was a gift indeed. We weren't close friends, just worked together quite a bit in various roles, but the connection is now feeling very strong and though she lives in California, now I'm involved in her care team, and it's good for me.

It's cosmic too, as I have been talking so much about connecting with joy. Here comes the universe deepening my experience of that and helping me learn to live with less fear. Ironically the "fear less" hats are on my table to be printed this week. 

I'm not printing today though. It is a day to be outside, doing whatever. I am reading some terrific books and the ground birds are back, the Juncos, Spotted Towhees (or rufous-sided as I prefer still calling them) and some White-Crowned Sparrows, other more hidden types of sparrows (a Fox Sparrow I think) and I still have the Downies, the Bewick's and the Flickers plus all the regular birds. I asked her what her favorite bird was, and she said the Sandhill Cranes, which are migrating south right now, so I said I'd listen for them now and in the spring. She is planning all kinds of ways to let us know what she finds out in the next phase of her life, whatever it is, whatever she can. Free to fly.

Fear less, people. Love more. 

A Fun Outing for Art

 Wow, Clay Fest! I can't believe I went there for my first time yesterday. It has been happening a block away from me for years now. Market always dominates my weekend so hard I just never found the energy but yesterday I knew I had to visit a few of my friends over there.

It was so inspiring in every way except one. The skill level of these master ceramic artists is super high...and you will see them here in a show that the participants organized themselves. It's very thoughtful, inclusive, and welcoming. Participants are happy to volunteer because it is rewarding, and the community is supportive and open. The organization of paying at the central desk works well so people can just shop, and there were many dedicated shoppers. 

Also a lot of people talking about ceramics and art, as well as community building. It felt like it feels in my mind to sell at market.

But clearly, I am remembering a time in the past when our operations were well organized, thoughtful, and member-centered. I heard so many stories about how present management treated these artists when they tried to sell at market or Holiday Market, that I was embarrassed to say that I have been a market regular for 51 years. Not proud. I thought about Lotte a lot and how she would feel about where market is and what we need to do about it. 

I talked about Jell-O Art a bit, as that is what makes me feel like a Real Artist more than retailing my screenprinting. I had to go home and cry about my life where I prioritized work so hard I find myself running out of time to do actual art that is purely creation and self-expression. 

Instead I find myself defending myself against attacks after all this time every Saturday. So glad I have Jell-O and writing.

It was so affirming to find all of these wonderful artists and friends who love me and my work hanging out in another setting where again, I can be myself without guarding everything I say and do from predators.

And the gallery pieces and special pieces a lot of them made (shoutout to Luna and Sam) were incredible. I wish I had taken photos but I didn't have my phone. It sure was not all about mud yesterday, even though I did come home and transplant strawberries and get nice and dirty.

Perhaps a new phase of my life is opening up! Anyway I sure shook off my damage and have some new ways to keep it at bay.

Make it a point to go next year and be part of the wonderfulness of the arts community in our area. It is large and gorgeous.   

Edit to include these photos of the days when we had that  https://www.flickr.com/photos/eugenesaturdaymarket/albums/