What is in the Balance

Madder Than a Wet Hen

 Yesterday was fun downtown, mostly because we got lucky with the sun, if you were lucky enough to be set up in the sun. The shade was cold. It's cold today, and it looks like it will rain all week. Goodbye leaves. 

And although it looks like next Saturday the 31st will not be rainy, a lot of members told me yesterday that it was their last day on the Park Blocks. There are only two markets left down there, and then a week between that and the HM for people who do the first weekend there, so I'm sure cutting your losses and staying home sounds good to many. It sounds good to me too. 

I've been planning to try to sell every week as I have done for so many years, but now that I do not feel supported by the organization, I am definitely questioning why I am  holding onto that loyalty. Because loyalty to the concept of "making a market" has always been a big part of why I show up every week. I am well aware that not all of them are good for sales, as the hottest ones and the coldest ones and the wettest ones are hard to justify showing up for. I show up for the public, who expect a market, for my friends and customers, who want to mail things early or support me or visit with me or just discover me for the first time, and for my market community, which needs strong leaders and wants to feel that we are doing something together for our mutual benefit. All of those still compel me, every Friday as I prepare and every Saturday morning as I talk myself into putting on my gear and loading up my trailer. 

It's dark now when I leave and when I get home, and that's kind of painful. I counter that with the knowledge that I do have the good gear, that I can stay warm and dry, and it isn't about the money, but about the experience and how fulfilling it is. And every Saturday is still that, since that comes from within and I still carry that fullness no matter what happens. But I have lost some of the aspects that enriched it, and I am sad about that. 

I've lost sales. People don't want my hats that were banned for being only one word, that I drew on to embellish. They wanted the one-word versions for their simplicity and interpretive openness. So that $4000 of sales is just not going to materialize for me. And because (in my opinion) we are not advertising in the Emerald any more, I don't get the groups of students who come down every week...they just aren't coming. Even on the week of an away game, they're somewhere else. People who read the Weekly, if they see the ads and respond, are mostly already coming, and not new to town. Those kinds of things are hard to pin down, but my observations after so many Saturdays have always been pretty accurate for my experience. Yours, of course, may be different. 

I've lost some of my willingness to engage in fun. I don't feel safe enough to enjoy myself there, dress up in a silly costume (and I have a roomful of those) and laugh with others. I feel spied upon, oppressed and in danger of some more random attacks upon my being and my products. When will the next Notice of Concern be written, this time about some other thing that used to be okay? I feel targeted and harassed, and extremely DARVO-ed. I don't know who I can talk to without that undercurrent of examining every word I say in case it is misinterpreted or triangulated to hurt someone else. I'm skipping an entire weekend of Holiday Market because being bullied on Christmas Eve was so devastating for me last year. You couldn't pay me enough to repeat that. 

I won the haiku contest

I lost my loyalty to the organization in its present form. I still deeply believe it is my responsibility to bring forward the legacy of our history and the ideals of our founding generation and all of the members who have done so much to preserve and move us forward, together, and I will still do that to the best of my now-restricted ability to tell the truth about what is happening. I am not feeling supported by the present organization, and this has been working on me since 2022 and didn't end with my resignation from leadership in 2024 when I left my position and let the org know that I would not consent to being promoted by them, used in any way to help them do what I felt was unethical, and I would not engage with members or staff who did not treat me with respect. I stopped making and selling the merch and gave it away. I stopped attending meetings for a first-hand view of what was going on. I tried not to care. That didn't help me much. 

Occasionally I would still try to help, with history or my opinion or my advice or even my support for volunteers. That never got a positive response, but was met with false narratives ("only three people") and dismissal and more disrespect. So I don't try to help except by writing my reflections in here. And if you read many of these posts, you can hear me trying. Of course if you believe I am just "spewing negativity" you aren't reading them and maybe won't ever, as some people have told me. They've never been about one person and that is again, a false narrative spread to hurt me. 

But it was that loyalty that ironically got me a medal back in 2022 and got me Volunteer of the Year in 2023, and got me to here where I'm at risk of being kicked out. The medal had an edgy feel, as three of the most prominent leaders at the time got them, ( I think they were for Loyalty, Diligence and Excellence) right before we were, not gently, pushed out of leadership with the many methods that have been used against us. 

Pushing people out of leadership happens. If they aren't a good fit for the times, or are promoting things that aren't good for the market community, maybe they need encouragement to step away, which usually comes with voting, and none of us were up for any votes. We were the natural leaders who got there by accepting the responsibilities of shepherding the areas we were experts in. Now years later we are seeing the effects of losing that expertise, but that's another long post I won't likely be writing. 

That loyalty now makes me feel stupid. Was I loyal to an imaginary concept? To nostalgia? To my own role that I took so seriously? To our bylaws? To our founders? To my co-members, who depended on me? It was never about power for me, so I was always actively looking for younger and more energetic members to take over my duties, and ready to mentor. I had been trying to retire from leadership for a few years by then. But when I did resign, I intentionally did not make a big statement, because I could see how fragile things were and I wanted no part in destroying anything. And I still don't. 

I've held back from many of my options to be gentle and supportive while the volunteers and members struggle, and have only done this whistle-blowing out of my love for justice and truth, and my respect for the membership. Just know that if you are reading what I am saying, there is a lot I haven't said. There are quite a few people I would like to fight for. As a target myself, I don't want to make things worse for them. That feels intensely disloyal. So again, I am examining my loyalty and what it is really about. 

It's about my entire community, which is not confined to my market people or that organization. I've invested my life here and there are things that show, that I've co-created and sustained, like the Radar Angels, Jell-O Art Show, Slug Queens, parts of OCF, all the hundreds of groups and organizations and fundraisers that I've supported by making affordable t-shirts and donating to their causes, and all of that. I have given of myself to my town and the world, and done my best to live a good and productive life for everything around me. I personally have an amazing legacy of what I have built, including this kitchen I am writing from now. I'm proud of my growth and accomplishments, and grateful for the people who have helped me.

I used to think I was really selfish, so trained myself to be more generous. As my abundance increased, I found that easier. Still, I rarely put myself first, since as a daughter of the 1950's, I was not taught to do that. I have no problem supporting other people to put their needs first, but it's hard for me. 

But now, when I think about selling for the next four weeks outside, with the hand cramps in the cold, the physical effects on the next day, and the challenges of holding boundaries and watching my every word and action all day long, I'm seeing the benefits of just not going down there. I need the money, but the cost is bigger than the fees. All of us know how good it feels to turn over in bed and pull up the covers, or read quietly in the morning instead of gearing up and putting in that 12-hour day, so I know people would understand. It would be a loss, not just for me, if I didn't show up. Another empty space, another disappointed shopper, one fewer smiling face under a warm hat, won't amount to a lot, I tell myself. 

The balance has shifted. Everyone goes away sometime. That's what the downriver effects are of what has happened. I guess I will see how this week unfolds. It is going to be wet and cold, and all the pretty leaves will blow around and turn to mush in the gutters. I'm going out now to rake some up so those gutters will drain. We're in a changing climate. How are we responding? 

Freedom

 Upon reflection, I feel like the organization handed me a gift. Since I can no longer refer to that person in any identifiable way, they can just no longer exist for me.

That will be a huge relief.  

And once again, it didn't rain!

 Boy, yesterday the Cornhuskers really turned out! (The newsletter listed them as the Hukers. I hope they didn't see that. Proofread, people!)) I had fun telling a few that I was half-Nebraskan, since my mother grew up there. Those 8 pm games are wonderful for us. I wish that happened every week in football season. Sadly, the market booths were very thin in number and one person I spoke with even had a zero day. Yes I bought something from them! No one should be having a zero day at our market. 

We uplift each other. People said this to me several times throughout the day. That's who we are, working together for the success of all of us. That takes many forms and we used to be able to count on it. Even all the effort it takes to smile all day and thank people for coming has a rippling effect that benefits us all.

I heard from the organization and got the response I should have expected. What no one said is "we're so sorry you don't feel safe at market and you don't deserve this treatment...no one does." Yeah, I didn't expect that, so not surprising. We don't have a whistleblower policy and I haven't filed official complaints that would lead to any kind of formal process, since all of the letters I have written to the org about the situation have not been responded to, except by spin going out to the members to deny or lie about what my letters referred to. So I have not been encouraged about the processes available to me.

I've asked for ethical choices and haven't received any assurance that those were being considered. Of course I hope that behind the closed doors of the closed meetings and email threads (which are also closed meetings, and not public) ethical choices are at least being suggested. We do have some volunteers who are trying hard to do the right things. It hasn't been easy for them, or so I have observed.

I'm not sure yet what my response will be to the official emailed letter that came on a Friday night, ten days after the incident that prompted it. Just a suggestion in the future: members generally do not want to get problematic issues put on their minds on Friday nights. It's not respectful. 

I can read that the org is having to walk on a very thin line, evaluating legal advice and their few options. Probably any organization would be on that same line. It's not really their job to offer comfort or reassurance, though they could each do that privately I suppose. No one did, at least so far. I'm sure it was not easy to craft a letter to me about the complex issue. And I do not have an easily crafted response.

For the record, they didn't punish me, for being the target of bullying. They basically requested that I punish myself, and disregard my own ethics, and solve this gigantic problem myself without discussing it here. Be quiet, please. 

Well, we all know being quiet does not fix problems. But there are enough problems that I can speak about a few others while I process their request and examine my own options.

It seems that in America your free speech and human rights are only as deep as your pockets and ability to spend money to defend them. But you knew that already, I'm sure. That's one reason why we all work so hard to make a living, in case our rights are put in jeopardy. Elder abuse is real, disabled folks have to fight every damn day, and it's easy to see how hard it is for any marginalized group. I witnessed a shocking episode yesterday where someone leaving my booth in a wheelchair was so ignored by a bystander that they had to push their way through. They seemed possibly nonverbal but they knew their rights and observed that my booth was accessible, so they accessed it. But this person, who was oblivious, was obnoxious. It was disturbing. I try hard to make my booth accessible, and in an 8x8 space that is not easy. One reason the city wanted to remodel the Park Blocks was to improve accessibility and I learned that if they fixed one thing in that area, they would be required to fix all the things. That's why we aren't seeing partial fixes, though there was an effort to improve the sidewalks. But that's a long post for another time. I learned so much in that two years that we worked on the redesign. 

Yesterday I did work hard, and connected with my joy and all that, and it was a lovely fall day. A friend who used to work for market volunteered to set up the Kareng Fund booth as a nonprofit to amplify our work and collect donations. She did a fabulous job and we had fun discussing our lives, history and all of the things we love about the market. By the way, if any others of you who have the time and energy want to do that, we at the Kareng Fund would love the help. Most of us are actively selling and we can't run two booths. It makes a big difference when a human is there to speak about the fund and our important work. There will also be opportunities for that at the Holiday Market. My friend will be there on Oct. 31st also, so come say hi. You can also easily donate on our website, www.karengfund.org

So I got my HM invoice, and it shows I owe $25 which is an error, but I have been trying for an hour to access my portal to check on that, and despite the automatic systems, I can't get in. It doesn't show on my receipt issued Oct. 6th. It says for Oct. 7th, which you might remember was a Wednesday, so whatever it is, it's not correct. It happens to be the day I got the certified letters, though. Was I billed for that? That would be amusing. 

My invoice also shows I paid $80 less than I actually paid, as the corner tax does not show on the invoice. It's a redesigned invoice, so too bad they couldn't get that on it. I like records that are correct. 

It will be nice when they get the bugs worked out of the website. I was able to update my listing, so that part was working, and as promised, easy to use, with immediate results. I can now find the minutes that have been approved of both the board and Standards Committee, so that is useful.  

 It's also a big waste of staff time when we have to contact them in person for every little thing, and it feels like gatekeeping to me. Systems are designed so that not every detail needs to be handled one-on-one. Maybe that will happen in the future. 

 

 

 

New Hats and No Kings

 

Oh yeah, I heard from the board last night. 

Patterns

 People keep telling me they don't see the patterns. Here are some tips, though I can't cover it all in one post:

Watch what happens when you disagree. With anything, even a small thing. 

Put yourself outside the in-group and see how easy (or not) it is for you to get information, answers, or current policies. There is a gatekeeper and you have to ask permission for nearly everything now. That is a control tactic.

Observe meetings and their minutes. What is not being transparently shared? Look at the policies that are available. Most are not being updated. Minutes on the website stop at April. Standards minutes stop at June. The last election was run with an outdated elections policy and votes were disqualified because of it, for things that had been changed. 

Can you attend committee meetings? They are not confidential, but if the committee is doing business by email, that is a closed meeting. Nothing is published from those, so you won't even know about them. Can you sit in? Do you feel welcome? 

When you ask questions, do you get satisfactory answers? Are you notified about policy discussions that will affect your craft or business, before the policies are put in place? It used to be the practice to notify all of the jewelers when jewelry standard changes were proposed. Or all the hatmakers. Not after the decision was made.  

If you take minutes for a committee, are your minutes published as you wrote them? Are you pressured to leave things out that were discussed at the meeting? Our minutes used to be the main way we could keep up with all of the committees and what they were doing, so when things came to the Board, we would have background and could do research to assist us in forming opinions. It's good when there are lots of different opinions so that all aspects of decisions can be examined before policy is set. Those minutes are also the backbone of the archives, so future discussions can include what has come before.  

Compare your access to what was traditional before 2022. Are you pleased with the way the general culture has changed? 

Ask questions, and evaluate the answers for yourself. Were you given excuses, stonewalled, or distracted? Did you have to ask repeatedly? Did the temperature change in the interactions if you persisted? 

Are you being treated professionally when you represent your business? 

Do you ever feel watched, inappropriately photographed without your permission, or judged by whom you speak to or associate with? Do you feel safe?

What happens if your opinion is different from the majority? Do you get treated like a problem and get pressure to change your mind? 

Do you ever feel manipulated or controlled? Do you observe other members being manipulated or controlled? 

Do you observe and feel equal treatment among the rest of the membership? Do you see or feel favoritism?

What is your trust level as a member and as a business, in your workplace? I've been accused of stalking someone whom I have not spoken with in almost a year, and had a no-contact policy with for much longer than that. Are your boundaries respected? Mine have not been.

Check with your friends and neighbors. Do they seem to be having problems they are reluctant to talk about? Do they seem shamed or make excuses about it? Many of us have been taught to be people-pleasing and minimize our discomfort. Are they covering anger with depression? 

Have you experienced triangulation, where something you said to one person was spread and other people then confronted you about it? This isn't just simple gossip. Were false stories spread about you? Did people feel free to interpret your words without checking with you first? 

Do you feel like your vulnerabilities and disabilities are supported, or targeted? Can you expect a truly compassionate response when things get difficult? Do you feel pushed into losing your composure? Given impossible choices?

When you share your sales information with your friends, are they experiencing what you are? My sales are way down. I'm not seeing the droves of students who usually support my business. I can easily compare with data from past years for myself. Can we compare our financial info with past years? What are the trends the org is seeing? Where are the tracking practices we used in the recent past?

If you are identifying trends that you think are contributing to lower sales, are your suggestions for improvement being listened to? Do your tags on your posts get shared? Are you amplified or featured, in ways that you are pleased with? Do your ideas get shut down, or are you blocked from doing things as an independent member?  

How hard are you actually working to see the patterns? I had to do a lot of work to see the ways I was complicit, was being used or deceived, and acknowledge what my body was telling me when I was being manipulated or bullied. It can be subtle and tailored to your personality. I had to compare notes to see that there were patterns that repeated and were identifiable. I had to read a lot of books and articles I didn't want to read. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps the Score.

Bullying isn't acceptable and it is destructive to mental, emotional, and physical health. It is wrapped in denial and pressure to not make waves or be negative. Toxic positivity is real. 

Do you support my free speech and my right to have my own opinions? Are you okay with me being driven from the marketplace I have built and shepherded for 51 years for writing about my own experiences and those I have directly observed and have had reported to me (yes, in writing) ?

Do you feel a distance from all of this, like maybe it is theoretical or maybe not even true? 

Listen to yourself, and bring out your empathy and compassion. Don't just wait to be next, thinking it could never happen to you. I was an enabler for quite awhile until I started looking behind the curtain. I'm not proud of it. I've apologized to people and held myself accountable. Sadly, the past is done.

Would you like to create a better future? There are plenty of ways you can take part in that. 

 

 

Full Up

 So much to write about today. Market was so cold, then so hot, then so cold. I really really miss summer. And I miss tourists! There were some, but the less-than-full market rewarded at least me with dismal sales. But I did have the usual amount of inspiring, super-enjoyable conversations and so much laughter and food and reasons for joy. If you haven't tried the Basque cheesecake at Aida foods at the farmers' market, sure it isn't Dana's but it helps. And the Hedge Witch on our west block (usually) has shortbread cookies that are divine. Plus we have the new breads and treats from Huggen Kiss Bakery who always has a crowd. Dang, I just realized that my new pledge means I can't say any of their names either. I knew there was some mistake in making a concession. (I'll be sure to tell you if you ask me in person.)

One of the benefits of these emptier markets is that the shy people feel safer to engage. I have some customers and friends who won't come around when they see I am busy selling, which is of course respectful and proper, but I am always there to do a lot more than sell crafts. All of us are. Beth regularly reminded us and wrote essays on the subject of us being more than a market. The community gathering at the center of town carries a weight and gravity of its own and after this long, lives on its own terms. We are an agent of part of it, but not the whole, and not that important to a lot of people. I don't want the No Kings march to protect my income...I want it to protect my country and its people!  

When people don't have money, they are still welcome to come and see the entertainments, busking, and random things like the people with the pet possum who bought it a little tie-dyed shirt. I guess that member has a lot of stories about items sold to people who were buying them for unconventional purposes. Made me want to repost this odd photo from the archives. Yes, this happened. In the 70s. 

I want people to just come and visit, walk through, whatever they want to do. Play chess on the lawn, sing to me, show off your body art, come ask the sewists what to do with your reclaimed fabric from Aunt Lud. Whatever you want to do! It is your space too. 

Since a community gathering place was new, so many  people always came down for so many reasons. We've had every kind of animal I think, and still see parrots and lizards and kitties in strollers and all the kinds of dogs, and so, so many different and fascinating people. And this has continued to happen weekly for thousands of weeks now (30 x 57, roughly...more really since we used to sell in December there too.)

I always say that it is still different every week for me, always delightful in some ways, perplexing in others, and sometimes it takes awhile to process things. 

Like, someone told me no one believes what they heard about me. Why did I not ask them what that was? I know some of the things that have been said, and from observation of how it worked with others, I can certainly fill in some of the blanks.

Several women I know of a certain age were said to be doing things that indicated they were acting from some type of mental illness...they said unintelligible things,  had irritating habits, were irrational, or just spewing negativity like me. They sometimes needed help as has been offered, in setting up or moving things, but that help had a limit on it. 

Some people pay for help, and that's an option if I am disabled, like I was when I broke my wrist. I declined that help and just took October off (sadly, because it was probably the sunniest and busiest October ever) but there are lots of ways to ameliorate aging or disability or curtailing of membership and those things are now part of my plans. But I directly witnessed these personal attacks and it took me awhile to see that pattern and even longer to see it applied to me. It is presented as an endearing story, like the time I took a suitcase left on the sidewalk to the corner, not knowing the person had made threats about it. Fortunately it wasn't a bomb, but this continues to be used as a dig that portrays me as naive and gullible. Hey, I am, but you don't have to spread that. I am also smart, savvy and informed and educated. And good at pattern recognition! 

I'll repeat that no official actions have been taken against me, but the beatings will continue until morale improves, as narcissists always have to win, and bullying is a beast.

Bullies and narcissists isolate their victims, so they will be discouraged and embarrassed and won't seek help, but I sought plenty of help this week and I'm standing strong. I'm not the only person being bullied, and the pattern matters, with many people in our community trained to see patterns and even to act on them. Using the organization to bully is particularly egregious, so anyone doing that should think again. We are a mutual benefit nonprofit for the benefit of members...so we will stand up for each other (theoretically) if we are actually finding the facts and not a lot of confusing gaslighting and false narratives. As I've said, I tell the truth, so maybe other people are lying. Always a possibility. Consider your sources if you are hearing things about me...come ask me! I am approachable unless you have bullied me before, and maybe even then. I did develop a no-contact policy for people who bully me, so I may decline to speak to you, but then again, depends on your approach.

Don't violate my boundaries. I've been clear about them. I require professional, formal communications from my organization regarding my business and livelihood. Still waiting on those. Even the NoC did not come in the form it was supposed to, and while I tried to get out ahead of it with a letter to the committee, that didn't help me and I won't do that again. Over-explaining is one defense tactic bullied people often engage in, but it doesn't work, just provides the bully with more fuel. I reacted out of the stress, as it was calculated that I would do, right before OCF. My personal bully knows all about how to get to me. I put it all in here, since being vulnerable is part of my plan as a writer! They say you sit down at the keyboard and open a vein. I do that but didn't realize it would bring me more than I expected. Yup, naive. 

And again, if people haven't learned in the last few years, with all of the available information about these patterns, stand with the victims. If you are wrong, you can always shift your alliance, but first honor the oppressed person and look for the evidence. DARVO, in which bullies play the victim themselves, is a huge weapon used in these patterns, because a liar and manipulator finds it easy to do, and is usually skilled. Real victims often struggle through intimidation and fear, and don't know who to trust. But they will tell the truth if they feel safe. So help them feel safe. Stand next to them! 

Like for instance, people who have always greeted me in friendly ways didn't yesterday. So can I trust them to uphold my constitutional rights? Am I safe with them? The number of people I feel safe about at the market went down radically. Most of them were not there yesterday, but there is another factor in play...guilt by association. If I am being accused of something, that somehow extends to everyone I am seen talking to, which in any given Saturday is in the dozens to hundreds. 

So friends become reluctant to engage, just in case. Being isolated in the public square is particularly painful. I see some people new to town who don't know how lonely they look to me...because I have been there. I try to smile at everyone. I belong there. I have earned everything I gain from the  market through my hard work and dedication to the common good. So ask yourself who you are listening to, and what their motivations might be. Broaden your perspective. 

In response to what is going on, I checked my copy of the Bill of Rights. Sorry, USA, not that helpful. However, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is packed with articles and statements that I can use in my defense in the event of the legal actions that I was threatened with. I think I would win even if I wrote my defense myself. However, if any of my lawyer friends want to give me some guidance, I would be happy to listen. I was hoping a couple might stop by yesterday, but mostly I just had my market friends to commiserate with, some of whom are in the same position of being oppressed by authoritarian forces. I remembered that I even know some judges personally. I feel protected.  

But of course I thought about walking away. Even my membership is not worth giving up my human rights. Even if I had to live in my car I would be a writer. So there's that.

And, there is the public forum of the community we live in. I can access that at any time, and a free speech issue would be juicy and fun for everyone. I noticed a lot of letters in the RG this morning and a greater effort at transparency. There are members who are also ready to focus on that. Currently we have so much gatekeeping that you can't even secure a copy of our bylaws without asking someone in power for it. That can't be legal. 

I was advised to make sure every member sees those letters. I'm not quite ready to go there, but every member has a vested interest in that. Kicking me out would not go well. I'm just supposed to be threatened by it enough to shut up and hang my head in shame for speaking out so coherently. I don't think that is good for the community. We want transparency, accountability, safety and that old prosperity and fun for everyone. 

I know shame. I'm not feeling it. I'm vaguely uncomfortable about making any changes to my writing at all, but as I said, my duty of care is to the organization. We're all struggling enough to make a living right now. But next week is No Kings! Imma make some big signs. I hope my lawyer friends will stop by. 

 Joy, everyone! We have many tales yet to relate. 

 

Free Speech Rights

Well friends, I received a cease and desist letter this week, from an individual, not as an official action of my organization, but I have decided that to lessen pressure on my life, going forward I will double down on my duty of care for that organization and make sure that everything I write does not include name or title.

I honor free speech above a lot of things, and at this time in the big world, I would never give up my free speech rights for any reason. I hold those close to my heart as a human, and in fact, they are my human rights. But my duty of care has driven my professional life with this organization for 51 years and it is so very important to me. I have never desired to hurt the organization and as I've said many times, I do not want to fault volunteers who are doing their best.

While I did not receive any direct or professional communications from the organization at this point in time, I am drawing this line here as notice that they don't need to take any actions to limit me.

I'm still writing personal nonfiction on this tiny space of the internet and I will still be writing. You may not agree with my opinions but facts are facts and truth is truth. 

Rising to the moment is often difficult and we are in such a fractious atmosphere in this world. I want to make it clear that duty of care for all four of my membership organizations is vital to me. I also care deeply for my peace and my ability to finish out my life span in positive ways, as I have always tried to live. 

You can disregard my opinions, but there are no alternative facts.