Staying Silent is Just Not in My Nature

Well, my desire to retreat and stop commenting on market life didn't last long. After fifteen years or so the Sunday morning essays still call to me to exercise my fingers while I still can.

Feet, not so much. I keep failing to master the right combination of socks and shoes and padding to allow me to stand and walk all day, so I limp and look like the old woman I am. I do firmly believe that standing is good for my sales, as the hats and I are at the right level for the satisfying interactions customers expect and find easy to navigate. A lot of my sales are quick ones as I let people browse without necessarily interacting with me. Making people comfortable to shop from us intimidating artists is a big part of success. While many of us are uncomfortable with selling, and in our "sales personas" all day, we have to make it easy for people to buy things if they are going to do their parts.

There are a lot of tiny factors in play. I like studying traffic patterns as they change in response to weather, other booths, the streets, the crowds, and our infrastructure, and after so many years I have a lot of observations. I will only rarely make suggestions to other members but there are things people can do to enhance sales for others...eliminate side walls for greater visibility, pull back from the pathway in tight spots, arrange their "hot spots" to highlight their best products, and so on. It's not simple but experimenting with it can be fun. Good signs help...of course showing your personality for that connection (as the new Assistant Manager reminded us in the newsletter) is essential. People who can't do what you do want to know more about how you do it, so they can get closer to being who and what you are that attracts them. With a market as intimate as ours, it is all about connections.

And we have so many of them, all day, something that is different every week and really feeds my soul after a week in mostly solitude. Summer is here for me at last and I have a lot of summer projects in the garden and on the house that I want to get on with. Once Lane County Fair is over and my neighborhood gets quiet again, I will continue with trying to lessen my yardwork in various ways as I get less able to do it. I get hand cramps now after just a few hours of pruning and my feet are a problem every day. I don't want to talk about my neck. I remembered that the surgeon I consulted said that there are many people walking around with what I have who don't even know it, so I want to go back to being one of them and not think about it. But of course the body lets you know what you have to do next, so this is just a brief attempt to have a summer on my own terms. I know it can't last. The sun is already moving south on my horizon. 

I haven't met the new AM, by the way. I am on full no-contact with staff and have told them not to use me in promotions, due to the bullying I have received and their non-existent attempts to stop doing it. I assume he got the memo as he has not even looked at me as he passes by. I don't know what I would say to him. Don't believe what you hear? I hope you are able to find the real community that does exist here despite attempts to destroy it with targeted bullying of those of us who carry it the strongest? There's a lot I could say but he needs to have his own experience. 

During the last, intense week of work right before OCF, I apparently received a Notice of Concern about my hats. I got an email from a former Board member with some vague information, as we are not allowed to see the Notices and they are anonymous. It took a lot of inquiries from me to the Standards Co-Chair to get the real information. What I first heard was that I sold a hat that said NO on it (I have no such hat, though I used to have one that said YES) and gradually it was revealed that the rewritten text standard said my hats with one word in a "recognizable font" were out of compliance with the standard.

I was there long ago when the text standard was invented, and it was aimed toward a person who wanted to sell t-shirts she was not printing, with the intention of getting her to do a little more work on her products to make them handmade. I believe it just said they needed to be individually approved like painted objects were...by the full committee or something. I will have to go back and find it. They wanted her to use some art or image that looked like more than a line of type. 

Always in the past when standards were going to be changed, people doing that craft were invited in to consult to work together to make the best standard that worked for the most artisans involved. Anyone who was left out or had a non-compliant product when the work was done was accommodated somehow. That is how four of us got exceptions to the hat standard...we were already making art on commercial hats, so we were given exceptions for the life of our membership. Two of us still have those. All of the hats I was making were approved at that time, and the assumption was that I could continue to do my art as I intended it, though going forward I attempted to put more work into every hat so that it would look more hand-crafted, in the artisan spirit I have lived within for 51 seasons now.

So this Notice, as gradually explained to and interpreted by and to me, was referring to hats that had one word, in a font that was recognizable. I had already written a full explanation of my art-making process and my hat-printing process, as a quick defense as I assumed Standards would be meeting soon after Fair and I wanted to take care of it so I could not have to worry about it during the time I make like half of my yearly income. I do a lot of pre-Fair custom printing and I was not finished with that, not packed up for Fair, and not finished with my own inventory production for it, but I spent an evening jumping through what I thought would be the hoops necessary to avoid a Notice to Appear, which is the next step in the Standards process according to the guidelines. I looked all of this up on the website, as well, as no instructions came from the Committee on how to navigate the situation. I sent that letter to the Co-Chair and found out that she didn't even know about the NoC, or the four Notices rule either, (an easy way for you to get kicked out by getting only four anonymous Notices about anything) which is something I have been concerned about since we entered the Consequences and Punishment Era with this admin.

I spent a whole evening on this when I needed to be working, before I realized what it was really about. I have exactly five hats with one word on them. Two, Eugene and Oregon, are in a hand-lettered style I drew myself, so those two meet the standard. Two others, Geezer and Curmudgeon, are my first two hats, so decades old now, and that lettering was from my stash of 80's press-on letters that you cut out with an exacto knife, press onto a clear carrier, and make a screen from for printing. That's a lot of handwork to make art. There is one, Imagine, that is in a currently recognizable font that I probably did print out from a computer to make into a screen. It used to have an ellipse but I took that off.  As I mentioned,  I don't make a hat that says NO though I want to now.

My main point in explaining my process is that I thought maybe there was someone who didn't know how old-school screenprinting works, which as I do it, as I have for 40 years or so, is a fully hand-done process. I always try to assume the best about volunteers and I know there are a lot of new people on Standards who might think it is their job to scan the market and make sure everything sold should be sold...and getting all of the little guidelines to be consistent over the variety of products has always been a discussion that is worth having. I sat at the table taking minutes for many years and I appreciate the work of the committee and the many difficult discussions they have, working for all of us. As I've said many times, I support volunteers and try to understand their work and support it as well. So I thought telling them about me and my process might be helpful in a greater sense. They might not know that each and every member who gets a Notice takes it very personally. It's highly significant to have the approval of your peers and feel a part of the common efforts for the success of all of us together. It stops people in their tracks to get called up on Standards and I've sat on that side of the table too. 

 My process is as hand-done as it comes. I print on the hat with a little squeegee, and it is hard to do. I waste a lot of hats that come out crooked, off-center, or messed up when I print over that seam in the center. I have to retouch almost all of them with a tiny pen or markers. My crooked hands could show you just how much hand-work I do. Screenprinting is making an original print every time. If there is someone who needs that education, I am happy to provide it, but after the initial parts of this process played out, my main question was, why do this? Why examine and sanction products of someone who has sold for 51 years at your market and has always participated in the most helpful, supportive ways possible? What has changed?

Well, it's obvious. The mutually supportive, all for all culture we created and nurtured is being changed by people who are competitive, possibly mean, and have some notion about what their jobs are that seems counter to the big picture of our mutual survival in the world where there are booths on every corner every day and a whole internet of handmade things fully available all the time. We as a market are not assured we can continue with all the outer conditions we have no control over. So to shift to some kind of internal controls that are punitive and exclusive and after some type of "purity" that doesn't exist is a huge mistake. We are both an entry level market and a place where masters of their craft can sell until they are able to retire or have to. We are so lucky to have both of these levels of craft and everything in between. Our attraction to the greater community is huge but still needs to be nurtured and protected and enhanced, as the public can be fickle and doesn't need us as much as we need them.

Everything that is done that restricts us internally and drives people away is adding up to our eventual failure, as we can lose it all faster than you think. Operating at a deficit for years on end (something we have not done since the 80s when we figured that out) is killing us and the high fees as a solution are resulting in many members skipping more and more markets and trying to just pick the profitable ones. Nobody is studying the factors which make them profitable, though, (the job of good managers who track trends, what is happening around town, and target promotions to those factors) and nobody is trying very hard to do anything to promote more sales for us as individual members, so we can afford these egregious fee increases. I know what good management looks like. Just look at the 2019 archives and you will also see it.

I myself am only doing four HM weekends this year, for the first time in my history. That bill for the whole show was just too high. Skipping the first was something increasingly common, and I decided to skip the last block as well. I sell well on those two days, but the sour taste of being bullied on the last day, and being told by staff I deserved it, makes me want to finish my season without that ending moment that we all used to share happily. No one ever apologized for that incident or even acted like it was significant, but to be bullied by the staff whose salaries I pay was just too much for me. To take that home for Christmas and sit with it all winter had a profound effect that just cost the market $500 I would have paid if it hadn't happened. No one deserves to be bullied. 

I love the market with my whole heart, but I do not support bullying and this targeted harassment and punishment of members. Members have rights. Membership is voluntary. I do not support restricting selling rights or terminating members unless there is some serious lawbreaking from them. I see our community at a crisis point, maybe a breaking point, and I will not stay silent and watch it happen without expressing my opinion. Here. It is what I can do. 

Now that I have your attention...

 I took a break from posting here to write in some other places as things for me at the market just continue to get worse. It's astonishing to me that after giving and giving for 51 years, my experience and expertise is a target for destruction by a very few individuals who are willing to treat my productive life as something they can and will destroy as a game.

Harsh reality that a lot of people would like to dismiss and blame the victim for bringing it up. Refusal to recognize the patterns of a toxic narcissist doesn't prevent the damage and so much has been lost that most people don't even believe it was different not very long ago. It's tragic that so many members do not even know what good management and promotions would look like. I implore you to go look at the 2019 archives if you want to see some ways that the market could be thriving instead of fracturing itself with constant loss. They're in the office and you can see just what professional management frees up and makes whole without the need for coercion and silencing dissent. 

For new readers, maybe come speak with me in person going forward, as I'm tired to my core of experiencing these patterns and being tossed about as if I were a toy. Refusing to engage is bringing me the needed strength to weather this era and we'll see how my future unfolds. 

The moment I drove onto the OCF site I started smiling and didn't stop for over a week. I was seen there, as my real self, the person who gives and supports and brings skills and knowledge that are needed and appreciated. I had so many wonderful interactions and reaffirmed that my life is awesome and I am so content and strongly aging and ready for all the challenges. I did something new and gave 10% to the JHVF to suppport the five nonprofits that will be funded, including the Kareng Fund, whose Board I sit on as Secretary. It made me happy to share that much, and know that it will be effective for a large number of recipients. True community comes when we work together and honor each other, working for the best we can imagine and do. That is how I used to feel about the market before it was captured by the current predators. 

Still digging out from the dusty stuff and organizing things I dropped to be ready for the week in the woods. It was worth the work. I do hope to slow down and enjoy the waning summer a lot more in the next months. 

Sorry to the loyal readers who want to see things revealed here. Maybe I'll mount up again at some point. You can still carry on with your own observations and efforts to protect and restore what the community has built and still treasures. Some of it cannot be destroyed.  

 

 

Life and Death, Right Next to Each Other

 Just a quick word to say I am too busy to relax and reflect this week (month.) I am almost done with my custom work but still lagging on my inventory, so will be working today despite my knowledge that I need rest. I'll go at a slower pace determined by my foot, my neck, and all the other things.

We lost JoAnn Siner, who sold every week for so long, and then could not get enough help to continue. There wasn't any information, no booth bouquet table (and her space was empty yesterday, too.) I miss our traditions. Misy Hansen also died this month, and she wasn't even old. She was our Treasurer at a pivotal time and was a fucking ray of sunshine as her FB says. 

Yesterday was one of the emptiest markets in a long time, and as often happens, it didn't really rain. There were a few small drops. I carefully took my popup and weights instead of my bandanas, but it worked out okay except for some additional physical efforts. My sales to all of the tourists here for the Savannah Bananas were good, but it would have been good for market if someone would have told our members that there would be an additional  120,000 people in town for those two sold-out Autzen events (one yesterday and one today.) The crowd was much like the football crowds, new to us but not buying much, as they already spent a fortune on tickets, lodging and transportation. Informing our members of reasons they should try to show up would have helped yesterday. 

Surprisingly, we had no counter-protestors to the PRIDE march so we got to fully enjoy ourselves with that and the many customers who shopped and surveyed us before and after going over to the Fairgrounds. I took my homemade PRIDE flag and held it up roadside, making wonderful eye contact with so many people I did not know, trying hard not to dissolve in tears. I've only been willing to be out for the last few years, just preferring to keep my sexuality to myself, so I recognize the ways of the closet and the freedom of the declaration of that little aspect of my life. It's never been a big factor for me, so I'm not being particularly brave, just proud of everyone who has been much more out and confrontational over my lifetime so that I can have this bit of safety now.

There were a lot of reasons why people did not come sell yesterday: the show circuit, OCF prep, the lack of real weather predictions we can trust, and fear of the counter-protests, but I know the hike to $25 plus 10% was also a factor. People have told me they are cutting their losses, just choosing the reliably good days to attend. I expect next week to also be half full, as holidays are not reliably good. It depends some on what else is happening. Fortunately the farmers do bring us customers now, expecially when they close at 2:00. The wandering public comes right across the street to wander us. It's sad when we are not very impressive. I wish we still had the member loyalty we carefully cultivated over the decades. 

We'd post on the FB members page about why we come on rainy days, we'd share our enthusiasm for our new products, we'd build community hard. Those of us who have been pushed out of leadership into silence are still carrying these cultural habits, but we're not acting them out. It's a huge loss to our community. Across from me yesterday was the CDR booth, promoting mediation and reconciliation services, and I felt another loss from the access we used to have to that as a tool. I've participated twice, but the last one was sabotaged and when the parties aren't committed, it can't work. I'm grateful to have that skill set that maybe I can use again someday. 

I keep trying on the phrase "My time is past," but you know, it really isn't. I gave my thoughts on closing at Hallowe'en for the year to two Board members, one who had no comment and doesn't speak to me (they're not hostile, just obviously turned against me by the false narrative that I hate the market) and one who did talk to me about it and other areas that we agree on, or are at least willing to dialogue on, and that affirmed for me that we are not all the way broken. I'll say again that there is no part of me that hates the market and it seems impossible that there ever would be. I used to say I helped build the market and the market helped build me. I'm not fully finished yet, and neither is the market.

It's still different every Saturday. It's still delightful, with a warbler of some kind and some turkey buzzards and those who have moved on and newly entered. I bought a cookie from a young person who just might start building too. 

A toast to JoAnn. Sorry I can't find that photo we took at HM a few years back, when you were surprised that you had people to defend you about something or other. I don't remember what it was about either, just that I was surprised that you were surprised you'd be defended. I remember how you were framed as impossibly needy at the end, and more or less forced to retire.

Now that is what I expect for myself...unless we get a chance to restore our community before it is fully gone from our memories and culture. You are in the archives. I still have that one button, "People Not Profits" from that other time when we had a manager who valued our payments more than our persons.

 

Another Compromised Election

 I am no longer the Secretary. It has been very hard for me, though, to not carry forward the amount of my duty of care and efforts that I made in those 15 years to bring the role of leading the members' legal and parliamentary efforts in always positive and inclusive, and legally compatible territory as that officer of the corporation. I'm that officer for the Kareng Fund/Caring Fund and have served as Secretary for most groups I'm involved in, as I actually like to take minutes and do that kind of organizing words. 

I do not have a copy of the current bylaws but it was always clear that the Secretary was in charge of the elections. Mary was Head Teller for years and we wrote the somewhat too detailed election Procedures and Policy document that we always meant to go back to and simplify, but it was better to have too much detail than too little. All of us knew exactly how to do what we were supposed to and there was never any question about the accuracy. I wasn't there when they revised the document in November 2024. 

It was the first election after Kirsten left when office staff didn't read the bylaws and surprised Mary and me at the HM by not only making Election Day the whole weekend, but publishing the ballots and having them available two weeks before, not just to those who would vote absentee but to everyone, many of whom dutifully picked them up and filled them out when the election was two weeks off. The ballot box had not been inspected and re-locked and neither of us had been consulted at all. We laughed nervously and decided a two-day election at HM was an okay idea, but insisted that the ballots not be ready for general distribution. Two weeks before the election did not give any chance for write-ins or anyone else to campaign. 

We wrestled it back into compliance but it was just a battle from then on to be included in the communications about it. The Head Teller is supposed to be Board-appointed every year, even if it is the same person. We were always playing catch-up despite giving everyone the election procedures and copies of the bylaws. It didn't occur to me then that I was already the target of disrespect for my efforts and gradually over the next few years I was cut out of every communication loop that I needed to be in. This was a general campaign to move out the traditional older leaders of the org in favor of new and younger leaders because of ageism. I was doing so many tasks I was even told, at a Board meeting, by a staff person, that I needed help and an assistant Secretary should be appointed. An officer, from the staff.

The tasks I was doing were all about trying to hold the org together in the transition after Kirsten left. She was always most respectful of me and my leadership, so I know it wasn't until after she left, and I know who the people were who wanted me out. I stayed in for the members. I would be there still and in my heart I still work for the members.

Every election we have had since then (December 2021) has been off in some way or another. This just got worse over time until we clearly have corruption from the staff in trying to control what the members want and need. We saw the unethical negative campaigns against the few members who still tried to use the system in 2025, and this time we saw no support for write-ins despite their public statements and name recognition. They were also volunteers seeking to serve, just like the so-called "official" ones we know are hand-picked and recruited by staff. Staff is never supposed to be involved in member elections in any way. Now we see they have been deemed members (no clarity on whether or not they pay the membership fee...) and presumably all vote for their bosses. 

The ballot language was misleading enough that a new one should have been issued as soon as the mistake was discovered. Since they were prepared two weeks in advance for absentee ballots, why was it not discovered? Was the Secretary consulted? He is brand new so may not have been informed of his role, though I sent him the Election Procedures and the former Secretary Job Description from 2023, before it was stripped down to something more vague in a recent Board motion. I knew he might think that was inappropriate, but legally he is held to what the law is, not what the stripped down job description says. He deserved to know what the role of the officer is in a membership nonprofit. They haven't quite succeeded in taking that designation away from us yet.

And then they ran out of ballots and turned some people away, until one of the candidates, or so I heard, forced them to go make more. Did those disenfranchised potential voters get their chance? Who knows? Would it not have been responsible to go make more copies before running out? Was that active or just passive voter suppression?  

As the link for the Policy and Procedures document doesn't work and neither does my access to my portal, I do not have many current documents, unless they are included in the Board packets as they are supposed to be. Changes to policy have to be approved by the Board. I have no idea what the Sec was told about his responsibilities, and in any case, I don't hold him responsible for what happened yesterday. Anyone could have proofread the ballot but we do not have a staff who proofreads. 

There hasn't been transparency for some time, about who the Head Teller might be, or the vote counters, but I believe it is the right of any member to observe the counting process if they so desire. 

If we don't have honest and legal elections, what do we have left for member rights?

 

Busy season is Busy

 Market yesterday was one of those extremely satisfying ones with those random spontaneous encounters that make it so rich. The rain was inconvenient, particularly because we can't get a real prediction these days and the one I counted on was flat wrong, but I was able to keep most things dry with two umbrellas so it ended well. I will do anything to not bring that popup and weights. 

As it was my body was quite worn out last night, though I feel okay today. I've resumed standing all day with the right combination of shoes and socks, though it isn't all easy. I find I do not want to go all the way to the back of farmers, or spend much time wandering (not that I have that kind of time anyway) due to the foot pain. The neck was okay, though not all the way okay. But I still have enough juice to do some summer pruning today, I hope. It is beckoning to me.

A couple of write-ins for the election rounds out the ballot a bit more, so we have an actual slate with choices. And...I see from the newsletter that a Secretary will be in place! I kind of know the man and know enough about him to have confidence that he will take it seriously and we'll be in good hands for minutes and the law, after he grows into it a bit. It's a position that can deepen as your understanding of nonprofits increases, so I hope his does and he sticks with it. 

Our archives are rich with helpful documents and gathered research to support Board and officers, but since the current narrative is that all of our collective knowledge was "lost" or is irrelevant now, I tend to just wait to be asked. I hope all of the Board members know I am willing to provide whatever I have, but not to the ones who have bullied me. I want zero contact with anyone who bullies me. I do not accept that bullying is something we need to tolerate in our community. 

If you are going to judge me by what someone else says about me, ask yourself why. Is this your normal practice with people? I always tell people to make their own observations and not take my word for anything. I don't even tell people about this blog since it is supposedly bringing down the market or some such story. I invite you to read back all 15 years of it if you think I don't support and love the organization we have built. 

Yesterday some of the highlights were a woman from CA who said she was the first Latina brewery owner, starting in 2020 right before the pandemic. She's apparently quite famous now as that type of leader tends to be. We had fun discussing politics, gender and racism issues tangentially as she discovered my bandanas. I also had a sweet interaction with a woman whose son was in the NICU and was in town unplanned...she had always wanted to come to market so took a break to see us. I gave her a hat. She was so calm for someone with that much to carry emotionally. I am thinking she must be a fantastic mother.

As I was finishing packing up, a young father came with his two boys on bikes and they were just having so much fun it made me laugh. I got him to take my photo and gave a couple of pennies to the kids to throw in the fountain, something I do during the day so they have a way to interact with it that doesn't need to involve putting their bodies into it. The three of them were all so sweet it just took away my tiredness and the whole way home (with that headwind!) was a pleasure. 

Here I am! As you can see, most everyone else is gone.

 

 Being next to the fountain is a mixed experience, but we are liking the on-off cycle this season. It gets nice and quiet when it's off so we get a calming moment or two, which is welcome on the high-volume days like yesterday. With Fathers' Day and Graduation this time of year is always very busy for me, since I have gifts for men. I started making some new hats, with a pink bill they call maroon, which are selling out fast every week. Possums look really good on it. 

I just ordered some more. Here's to another week of overworking as hard as I can! 

 

Love it or hate it? Not that simple

 Another beautiful but windy day at the market this week. It is decidedly more windy than it used to be. I hope it isn't a permanent change. There is an added level of stress with the gustiness and it was hard to remain calm. We also had a violent incident from a young man that stuck with us in our small neighborhood and made us hustle to get off the blocks at the end of the day. He did come back, and tried the same behaviors, but not near me, and it felt like a narrow escape. Selling in a public place is not easy.

We're about to have an election without a Secretary, who oversees elections as a vital part of their duties. There was no "Secretary's Announcement," at least not one that got to the members. I don't actually know who is terming off. The three people who are running are nice people who will do their best, but I hope for them they get the training they need and have sufficient knowledge and experience to do the jobs they will be elected to do. With three candidates, they're all elected even if they each only get one vote. Not really an election. I just read through the bylaws and the revised election policy, which is now only "Election Procedures," and there's a lot still there, though a few things are changed slightly. I hope it will be done well by the Head Teller and whomever else is involved. I don't see the "Secretary's Announcement" language anymore. Oh well. 

However, the membership is now so thoroughly divided that anyone running with any kind of nuanced message would not have a chance. It has been "support the current power structure" for some time. I wish these new people well. Group process takes skills and clear communication and a lot of energy, so I hope they are ready for that. 

I feel a compulsion to put out a more nuanced position, but overexplaining is a part of the narcissistic pattern that I just do not have the time and energy to participate in anymore. When there is only one position possible, anyone trying to take another is defeated before they begin. I have to not care about what other people think. I have to just keep moving forward in my life, doing my best to get my work done. It's busy over here. 

I did think of a few things I might say to these new candidates if they should ask for my support or opinion. Mostly I want them to know it is a serious job and not an honor, and it won't just be one meeting a month and joining a committee. I want for them to have their own experiences as I had mine. They will need to do their own moral and intellectual work to govern a nonprofit and serve the hundreds of members. Service and responsibility are what they will be doing. They think they know that, I expect. After so many decades of it, I know it in a deeper way. I used to see myself offering mentorship from that deep experience but now that isn't possible. 

I keep trying to embrace the thought that my time has passed. I have always planned to stay involved in building the market until I am physically unable to participate, so my life has taken a turn that I did not choose. I didn't anticipate hostile treatment and erasure of my real self and real contributions. I'm getting used to it. Struggling to stay in a particular reality is a fascinating development of our era, one that we didn't anticipate being so prominent before the internet. We kind of knew that we were all starring in our own movie, but that sounds awfully innocent now. We're all extras in a lot of mini-series, and we're not getting paid to do it.

Hope everyone has a productive week and we have better sales next week when our fees go up again. The Board meets this week...will we see that HM work task fee go up to $100? If we do, will we see better procedures for making sure people who do their work tasks get it back? That's a lot of money for the market to be holding onto at a time when people are stretched to afford materials and fees just to sell enough to make it pay. I hope they consider not raising it. 

 

So Glorious and Complex

Yesterday was stupendously beautiful and full of everything, and very ironic. My sales were high, and in retrospect I think it was largely students from the UO and other schools who were out for their last market experience, or maybe first, before they leave town. I also had some Father's Day buying, for certain, and just many delighted people who were happy to find something useful in the bright hot sun and steady gusty breeze to keep their hair out of their eyes.

I don't have the energy right now to get into analyzing all of the irony, but it was thick and again I feel how diminished some of us are with this constant defending of our rights to think and speak freely without danger to our livelihoods. I noticed it after I actually gave in to a pushy man who wanted a discount for two hats, and was incredibly persistent. He succeeded in pushing me into fawning mode to get him to go away and that $5 was worth it, but did leave me with a sour taste for the first sale of the day. 

I have a lot of arguments against that type of person and I used a few on him. His wife was on my side. I wish I had stood my ground. Subsequent encounters with similar entitled men left me troubled on the whole, though I had many more visits with sweet and generous, wonderful people who were not like that at all. I see this as part of the cumulative damage that robs us of our agency as we struggle for our personal rights within the retaliatory atmosphere. Any negative encounter seems magnified, and we struggle to stay grounded within other people's disbelief and lack of acknowledgement of what we are certainly feeling, as if we were just creating drama as we are accused of doing. Nope. I have the receipts. 

One of my former friends made an effort to engage with me, I guess to prove how he could play the middle, but again, it didn't feel like support or friendship. I saw his other actions during the day. I can set my opinion aside to let him figure things out over time, but our friendship is over, even if he doesn't accept it. And we can't have the clarifying conversation, not now, and maybe not ever. A universe apart.

And there's a new book about the market, filled with things that represent what I see as a false reality. That person is great at micro aggressions but I actually don't think he knows it. In his author photo he is wearing one of the misprinted hats I stupidly gave members one year, with the market logo so mangled I couldn't even color it to save it. I thought people would wear them in their shops or something, realizing promoting the market or another artist with flawed items is not good for business or public relations, but he has persisted in wearing his. And there it is in a published market "history." 

I'll let go of my criticisms of his take for now as he has a right to his version of our shared reality, but in his last book, after I told him not to write about me, after a protracted set of discussions, he did use my name, and said I sold "hats made in China." Regardless of the effects on me, and the boundary violation, how can he think that is good for market? Yes, my hat bodies are imported, just like t-shirts and many other items that are embellished with craft techniques and safely within the guidelines. But my product has been a target for decades now, because it sells well and is mainstream and popular. So instead of honoring that by wearing a spiffy quality item on his head, there he is. Not a big deal, but history is history. I never want to imagine that people do this kind of thing on purpose, but as we know, some do.

I don't love it when I do well and other market members don't. One of the people I spoke with yesterday made nothing. Went into the negative, actually, as they still had to pay a fee and had paid that $10 a day for reserve and membership. That doesn't say healthy market to me. It's nothing they are doing wrong, either. Their work is expert, they have a variety of low and high-cost items, and they are dressed up and standing and responsive. It wasn't their crowd, for whatever reasons, like it was mine. But it should work for everyone. Their customers weren't being marketed to. 

There are always so many reasons for why we do or don't do well in sales in any particular moment. For me, that first sale threw me off but I quickly got back into gratitude and joy mode by going over to farmers to spend some money. I firmly believe in spreading money around and personally I rarely take discounts and would never ask for one. People set their prices where they are for good reasons.

Everyone has their contributions to make. Those of us still packing on the west block had the eminent  Walker T. Ryan playing and singing for us! I went right over there and thanked him properly, and patiently listened as he told me where all the best open mics are, in a discussion of how our busking policies are hard on musicians. I don't think he really knew who I was, but it was warm and a sweet addition to those fading moments as the day is over too soon for the energy. The drums went late.

It was a full week and this one will be crammed with work and thought, and writing I hope. If nothing else, yesterday was alive with mystery and excitement. A hummingbird visited Dave's (sadly, empty) feeders and he said, had to settle for the real flowers he brings to help sell his products. It then zipped through the booth across from me and narrowly missed me, and was later seen drinking from the fountain. It went by so fast I couldn't tell what it was even. And we had goldfinches, and more, and as I set off for home, up Park Street, one of the last few members to leave, a Great Blue Heron flew over me. I'll take that as auspicious.

Have a great weekend everyone. I plan a lot of rest and weeding today, and then if we get that rain, more weeding after it. I've been moving plants around and might get a vine maple. They are such lovely trees and if there is one in my neighborhood, I haven't seen it. I'd gladly even cut down one of my ancient lilacs, or consider it anyway. I have five of them. They do frame my front porch but they're not looking wonderful and pruning is becoming harder for me. 

Not dead yet, though! Full of joy.