What is in the Balance

Madder Than a Wet Hen

 Yesterday was fun downtown, mostly because we got lucky with the sun, if you were lucky enough to be set up in the sun. The shade was cold. It's cold today, and it looks like it will rain all week. Goodbye leaves. 

And although it looks like next Saturday the 31st will not be rainy, a lot of members told me yesterday that it was their last day on the Park Blocks. There are only two markets left down there, and then a week between that and the HM for people who do the first weekend there, so I'm sure cutting your losses and staying home sounds good to many. It sounds good to me too. 

I've been planning to try to sell every week as I have done for so many years, but now that I do not feel supported by the organization, I am definitely questioning why I am  holding onto that loyalty. Because loyalty to the concept of "making a market" has always been a big part of why I show up every week. I am well aware that not all of them are good for sales, as the hottest ones and the coldest ones and the wettest ones are hard to justify showing up for. I show up for the public, who expect a market, for my friends and customers, who want to mail things early or support me or visit with me or just discover me for the first time, and for my market community, which needs strong leaders and wants to feel that we are doing something together for our mutual benefit. All of those still compel me, every Friday as I prepare and every Saturday morning as I talk myself into putting on my gear and loading up my trailer. 

It's dark now when I leave and when I get home, and that's kind of painful. I counter that with the knowledge that I do have the good gear, that I can stay warm and dry, and it isn't about the money, but about the experience and how fulfilling it is. And every Saturday is still that, since that comes from within and I still carry that fullness no matter what happens. But I have lost some of the aspects that enriched it, and I am sad about that. 

I've lost sales. People don't want my hats that were banned for being only one word, that I drew on to embellish. They wanted the one-word versions for their simplicity and interpretive openness. So that $4000 of sales is just not going to materialize for me. And because (in my opinion) we are not advertising in the Emerald any more, I don't get the groups of students who come down every week...they just aren't coming. Even on the week of an away game, they're somewhere else. People who read the Weekly, if they see the ads and respond, are mostly already coming, and not new to town. Those kinds of things are hard to pin down, but my observations after so many Saturdays have always been pretty accurate for my experience. Yours, of course, may be different. 

I've lost some of my willingness to engage in fun. I don't feel safe enough to enjoy myself there, dress up in a silly costume (and I have a roomful of those) and laugh with others. I feel spied upon, oppressed and in danger of some more random attacks upon my being and my products. When will the next Notice of Concern be written, this time about some other thing that used to be okay? I feel targeted and harassed, and extremely DARVO-ed. I don't know who I can talk to without that undercurrent of examining every word I say in case it is misinterpreted or triangulated to hurt someone else. I'm skipping an entire weekend of Holiday Market because being bullied on Christmas Eve was so devastating for me last year. You couldn't pay me enough to repeat that. 

I won the haiku contest

I lost my loyalty to the organization in its present form. I still deeply believe it is my responsibility to bring forward the legacy of our history and the ideals of our founding generation and all of the members who have done so much to preserve and move us forward, together, and I will still do that to the best of my now-restricted ability to tell the truth about what is happening. I am not feeling supported by the present organization, and this has been working on me since 2022 and didn't end with my resignation from leadership in 2024 when I left my position and let the org know that I would not consent to being promoted by them, used in any way to help them do what I felt was unethical, and I would not engage with members or staff who did not treat me with respect. I stopped making and selling the merch and gave it away. I stopped attending meetings for a first-hand view of what was going on. I tried not to care. That didn't help me much. 

Occasionally I would still try to help, with history or my opinion or my advice or even my support for volunteers. That never got a positive response, but was met with false narratives ("only three people") and dismissal and more disrespect. So I don't try to help except by writing my reflections in here. And if you read many of these posts, you can hear me trying. Of course if you believe I am just "spewing negativity" you aren't reading them and maybe won't ever, as some people have told me. They've never been about one person and that is again, a false narrative spread to hurt me. 

But it was that loyalty that ironically got me a medal back in 2022 and got me Volunteer of the Year in 2023, and got me to here where I'm at risk of being kicked out. The medal had an edgy feel, as three of the most prominent leaders at the time got them, ( I think they were for Loyalty, Diligence and Excellence) right before we were, not gently, pushed out of leadership with the many methods that have been used against us. 

Pushing people out of leadership happens. If they aren't a good fit for the times, or are promoting things that aren't good for the market community, maybe they need encouragement to step away, which usually comes with voting, and none of us were up for any votes. We were the natural leaders who got there by accepting the responsibilities of shepherding the areas we were experts in. Now years later we are seeing the effects of losing that expertise, but that's another long post I won't likely be writing. 

That loyalty now makes me feel stupid. Was I loyal to an imaginary concept? To nostalgia? To my own role that I took so seriously? To our bylaws? To our founders? To my co-members, who depended on me? It was never about power for me, so I was always actively looking for younger and more energetic members to take over my duties, and ready to mentor. I had been trying to retire from leadership for a few years by then. But when I did resign, I intentionally did not make a big statement, because I could see how fragile things were and I wanted no part in destroying anything. And I still don't. 

I've held back from many of my options to be gentle and supportive while the volunteers and members struggle, and have only done this whistle-blowing out of my love for justice and truth, and my respect for the membership. Just know that if you are reading what I am saying, there is a lot I haven't said. There are quite a few people I would like to fight for. As a target myself, I don't want to make things worse for them. That feels intensely disloyal. So again, I am examining my loyalty and what it is really about. 

It's about my entire community, which is not confined to my market people or that organization. I've invested my life here and there are things that show, that I've co-created and sustained, like the Radar Angels, Jell-O Art Show, Slug Queens, parts of OCF, all the hundreds of groups and organizations and fundraisers that I've supported by making affordable t-shirts and donating to their causes, and all of that. I have given of myself to my town and the world, and done my best to live a good and productive life for everything around me. I personally have an amazing legacy of what I have built, including this kitchen I am writing from now. I'm proud of my growth and accomplishments, and grateful for the people who have helped me.

I used to think I was really selfish, so trained myself to be more generous. As my abundance increased, I found that easier. Still, I rarely put myself first, since as a daughter of the 1950's, I was not taught to do that. I have no problem supporting other people to put their needs first, but it's hard for me. 

But now, when I think about selling for the next four weeks outside, with the hand cramps in the cold, the physical effects on the next day, and the challenges of holding boundaries and watching my every word and action all day long, I'm seeing the benefits of just not going down there. I need the money, but the cost is bigger than the fees. All of us know how good it feels to turn over in bed and pull up the covers, or read quietly in the morning instead of gearing up and putting in that 12-hour day, so I know people would understand. It would be a loss, not just for me, if I didn't show up. Another empty space, another disappointed shopper, one fewer smiling face under a warm hat, won't amount to a lot, I tell myself. 

The balance has shifted. Everyone goes away sometime. That's what the downriver effects are of what has happened. I guess I will see how this week unfolds. It is going to be wet and cold, and all the pretty leaves will blow around and turn to mush in the gutters. I'm going out now to rake some up so those gutters will drain. We're in a changing climate. How are we responding?