And Then We Die

 

Got a call from an old friend who is preparing her dying process...it was oddly such a life-affirming conversation thread we had, full of laughter and wonder. She has a shirt I made using art from my son at about age 5, and wore it and everyone on her care team wants one. Fortunately that is the last remaining box of shirts in my shop, shirts by my son. Just the right amount for her team. 

She has a form of dementia, called PCA, Posterior Cortical Atrophy, a terrifying and tragic form for an artist, where you lose your visual powers over time. She can no longer read or write, which is heartbreaking enough, but she is a painter among her many talents, and said she took a painting off the wall, saw her name on the back, but could not recognize it and had no understanding of it. It seems perplexing and her attitude is great, but she has been suffering for a very long time and some of her strength comes from taking control of the situation for herself. Brains...yikes. All those complex fold and neurons and then things start just decomposing. I did not know there are a dozen types of dementia...so many kinds. And you surely can get more than one at a time. Let's embrace the horror of that while we look at the yellowing leaves and birds flitting around the yard. 

It is not widely known but it is legal and screams Bodily Autonomy to know that VSED is a remedy that goes beyond Physician Assisted death. That stands for Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. It takes a care team and is not an easy choice, and it takes some time to work. I have heard of others who have used it. She is angry that no doctor told her about it and wants to amplify it, so I'm putting something on the back of the shirts for her. A lot of her life has been about fighting for rights, as she is in the LGBTQ++ community and has not had an easy time of it, but carved out a great life for herself and accomplished some amazing things. And now not just dignity but positive change by sharing her life and death.

She had a hellish time getting a diagnosis but finally went to OHSU and got the care she needed. Of course there is no treatment, just suffering, so she worked out her choice and set it in motion. She exhibits a lot of joy and that is the tone she is setting and shares with her team. The shirt is perfect for that. We're all delighted in the midst of grief.  

This kind of real facing of grief is such a relief for everyone, as you can then be free to talk about it all, the sorrow, what you will miss, what you are feeling, how much and in how many ways you love the person and what you have shared. You can tell jokes, and laugh, and she got me laughing about my own situations, which was a gift indeed. We weren't close friends, just worked together quite a bit in various roles, but the connection is now feeling very strong and though she lives in California, now I'm involved in her care team, and it's good for me.

It's cosmic too, as I have been talking so much about connecting with joy. Here comes the universe deepening my experience of that and helping me learn to live with less fear. Ironically the "fear less" hats are on my table to be printed this week. 

I'm not printing today though. It is a day to be outside, doing whatever. I am reading some terrific books and the ground birds are back, the Juncos, Spotted Towhees (or rufous-sided as I prefer still calling them) and some White-Crowned Sparrows, other more hidden types of sparrows (a Fox Sparrow I think) and I still have the Downies, the Bewick's and the Flickers plus all the regular birds. I asked her what her favorite bird was, and she said the Sandhill Cranes, which are migrating south right now, so I said I'd listen for them now and in the spring. She is planning all kinds of ways to let us know what she finds out in the next phase of her life, whatever it is, whatever she can. Free to fly.

Fear less, people. Love more.