Fear Buries Truth, Film at 11:00

A long time of no writing for me. I've actually been writing other things (yay!) and trying to retreat from expressing my opinion for awhile, trying to find a vacation in the week between the holidays. I was somewhat successful in that I stayed out of the shop, but I worked on a puzzle (no accident in that verb there) and spring-cleaned the bathroom. I did some sitting around. I started the pruning and spread some gravel, and made some lists, but mostly tried to empty my mind a little from all of the holiday clutter.

If I don't have solitude and down time, I get attracted to drama, and it is really hard at HM to avoid getting involved in at least some. Most of the stuff that was operating last year is over, because I tried hard to stay away from people or situations that might lead me there. I didn't get fired from anything and I worked on gratitude and not complaining. My goal was to not make my problems other people's problems and I did pretty well with that. I struggled with what we all struggle with, all of the consumption in its various forms and the ways my life doesn't measure up to the norm, but I constantly reminded myself that my ideas of the norm come mostly from the barrage of advertising and from TV actors and writers...it's not real. It's not true. Anyway, why be normal?

But my norm, if I have one, is really not mainstream, and I'm glad of that. I'm not much of a consumer. I use the retailing as an excuse not to get involved in a lot of gift-buying and my needs were for socks, a new pair of waterproof boots just in case it ever rains on a Saturday again, and a few things for my son and his gf. I sent Jell-O art to my family. It's the thought that counts, right? I thought they might be amused and maybe even a little delighted in the ephemeral beauty and uselessness of it...and I had a lot left. It most emphatically did not prove to be a viable Holiday Market product, and neither did the silk scarves and flags. I still have a lot to learn.

Winter is the lovely offseason which is such a joy, to have the pressure of production off or at least slowed way down. I will have to find work of lots of kinds, and the sitting around week is over. Some of my customers have already brought me work, for which I am very grateful and I'll get around to it soon. I have to re-examine my strategies for improving my retail life, which is just a continuing process. One thing the Jell-O did was provide a source of creative juice, amusement and relief, and it improved everything in my life, so I'm not ready to let go of it.

I suppose I could work on less attachment to money...I will be old enough this year to draw social security. I dream about never retailing at Christmas again...about quitting the Country Fair. I dream about renting out my other house and not needing a shop to avoid. These are far down the road and might not really be what I want, because many times what I think I want is not what I want, at least if you look at my actions and what I seem to be trying to find.

I love the open space in my life to go in a lot of directions at once. I'm reading and writing fiction and nonfiction simultaneously, sometimes even about the same subjects. I'm cleaning up clutter and creating more. I'm putting my yard in order so that I can invite in more natural chaos.

Every direction presents with a contradictory direction, or at least one that is merely tangential. I like to wander around like that. It's a gentle soft focus where nothing is all that important or essential...a form of peace. I need it.

I'm writing about Occupy (present and future), and reading about PTSD (the past intruding). I'm watching birds, and enjoying having my feet on the ground (too much gravel). I want to feed suet to the yellow-rumped warbler and that pair of Townsend's, and chase off the starlings.

It was lovely to go into the Saturday Market office and listen to the Standards review, and see dozens of market people at once. Beth led the group through all of the guidelines, which didn't take that long and proved to be much more interesting than reading them in the handbook. One thing she mentioned is that people used to know how to make things...everyone in a room would know how to make a fire, how to preserve food, how to fix a sewing machine and how to make a tool handle. Now people do not...in general. We are a group of people who make things, all the time, in lots of different ways, and that is a very beautiful way of life that needs to be protected. We are important to the world and not just to ourselves, and not because we are archaic or left behind, but because we are skilled. We are amazing fine artists and our collective skills and knowledge are awe-inspiring.

And we keep busy being productive, adaptable, and positive. We have lots of other skills that we developed to sustain our lives, marketing and managing skills, communication skills, emotional skills. We don't need a boss to direct us, we don't need a paycheck, we are not dependent in the same ways as those who have to operate in the more limited world. We do have to interface successfully with it...to get our materials and to sell our wares. Still, it seems a more simple arrangement if you can develop the skills to create, produce, and sustain your life. I'm proud of us.

It's complex and rich. Whenever we gather it's important to focus on that, our strength and our value, and not let our doubts and despairs overwhelm our ability to dream and imagine. The world needs art. Our town needs art. Our neighbors need art.

It doesn't need our drama. I was going to write about fear. That came up this morning when Poling's fence was on the front page, and he displayed well the poor thinking that comes when fear overrides rationality. Yes, it was unfair that he was targeted in his house with his family. Pretty much everyone agrees that was wrong. However, the message of the second protest, composed of women undressed to the waist with TRUTH painted on their chests, was, I believe, to remind people what they are really afraid of, the naked truth.

Unfortunately the message was mixed because they were hooded, probably out of fear for their own safety in the atmosphere of irrationality that quickly arose. Putting an expensive fence around your house will not protect you from the truth, because you will still be afraid, maybe more afraid, as you look at that fence every day. The truth is packed with fear, and it is our job to sort it out, and find what matters in there.

Fear is violence. Defensiveness is violence. Instead of these fairly affluent people being afraid of losing their home and their relative luxury, which is the economic reality, they let themselves focus on their fear of some young passionate people being somewhat inappropriate in their proximity. Do fans of other sports teams erect fences to defend themselves against irrational drunk sports fanatics? No, because they can recognize what is going on. I don't know why people can't recognize what is going on with the protests.

I'm guessing they can't because it is too overwhelming. People driving to VRC just hated looking at the poor people in the tents who weren't participating in the festivities. Need is overwhelming. You write a check to some safe agency, which pays for some administrators, and you call your job done. You have contributed to solving society's problems. You have done what you can afford.

But by all indications, you will have to pay a lot more before you will really be safe. The protestors are not your enemy, even if they are scaring you with their words or actions. Your fear is your enemy, as it is making you distracted and unable to act on the real problems, the real things we need to be afraid of. There are plenty to choose from. Pick one and pitch in. That's just what the Occupy people did.

They chose economic injustice. They're working on it. People who can't seem to see that are just acting out wildly, wasting money and time with fences and stadium lights and police overtime to the max. It's a waste. Fear or love, people. Fear or love. Translate that however you want. Compassion or avoidance. Numbness or engagement. Distraction or discussion.

Truth is powerful. I support truth, even if it has to wear a hood and be afraid too. Fear or love. Neither one is going away, so where will you put your energy?

And now the home stretch

We have a few days now between the "big weekend" and the last three days of the Holiday Market, in which we have the self-assigned task to get everything right and finish up in style. I say that with tongue in cheek, because I don't know about you, but for me the biggest task is just managing emotional territory to stay positive and rational. I have my issues. Style is slipping, and most of us come on Christmas Eve in our pajamas and slippers.

The easiest thing for me to do is complain. My brain likes to look for reasons and solve problems, and when I am this tired the problems seem so large and troublesome and the process to solve them seems pretty far out of reach. The next easiest thing is to fix some blame...but fortunately for me I seem to have found a way to have a permanent roadblock in that process that stops me when I hear myself trying to demonize someone. Anyone, really. And I'm learning not to complain, recognizing the tone. I'm not a complainer! My problems are real, just like everyone's.

I can't help myself from seeing through people's actions to getting a glimmer of the deep needs that drive them. I don't know about you, but for me the human condition is terrifying. I am a single person with one child who is just on the verge of getting on his feet, as I am just on the verge of getting social security (the pittance I will receive as a self-employed under-producer.) My Mom is almost 86...she can't take care of me. Nobody can take care of me but me. I can't really afford to access that terror. I have to pretend it isn't there, and I see so many people operating out of that deep fear, and losing the ability to pretend. They're acting out.

The International Movement for Social Justice comes from the surfacing of that terror, as it becomes something that is too costly, economically and socially, and emotionally, to ignore. I think I feel scared, when I have a warm home I can afford, a car that I can move into if it gets that bad, and still a few options to increase my security and ease. I'm in really good shape for someone whose income is in the bottom few percent. I don't live like I am at the bottom, thanks mostly to the generosity of others. My customers are kind and giving people and my printing clients are loyal and accommodating. I am lucky enough to have had the space to develop some useful skills and my Mom instilled some great values in me that keep me afloat and swimming. So if I feel scared, I can certainly see why others do.

I grew up in a gentler time, when there were not so many terrified and desperate people. In my twenties I participated in another movement for social justice and peace, and it changed me in ways that shaped my life in a loving, giving, peaceful and positive form. I've never lost that ethic, that we are in this together and we all have to respect and assist one another in getting to a better place, that peace and justice are our over-reaching goals, and we are on an upward spiral to a clearer consciousness.

So when I sense the fears and desperation that drive negative behaviors, I am able to forgive most people for their transgressions, even while they vex me and cause me to change my direction. I seem to almost always be able to push past my initial defensive reaction (which almost always comes up) and ask myself why that person would do or say such a thing.

And I see that it is almost always some fear or insecurity within them, some affliction that is crying out to be comforted. Most times the person isn't even aware of it. I'm not psychic, I just can recognize these very common conditions and empathize a bit. I'm in the 99% of us who have felt pain. I don't want to add to anyone else's, no matter what they are seeming to do to me.

It's not about me. That is my advice to any of you who are having a hard time and wanting to consult the oracle (thanks, Lynn, for the undeserved title, which amuses me). It's not about you!

You are doing the best you can. You are doing many things in stellar, shining ways that maybe aren't even recognized. You might not get rewarded, but it is not because you don't deserve to be. Your chance may yet come to feel that momentary satisfaction of doing things right.

It is rare to feel that all is right with the world. Yet, it is, on some level we may not even have emotional access to. This is our world, and we are all constantly working to improve upon it. We are all doing our part.

If you don't feel good, you can't do your best work. Feel good. Keep on that sunny side.

I was complaining to my guru/hairdresser Jan my feelings that I shouldn't even be displaying my "We are the 99%" shirts because the tide of public opinion has shifted and it is probably hurting my sales. She stopped me and mentioned that she has not watched TV in many months, and that she totally disagreed with me that the tide has turned. I had unconsciously, in fear, bought into the dominant paradigm promoted by the corporate media. And I think she is correct.

The changes brought by the Occupy movement will last for years and will be subtle, essential changes in how the world operates. We'll take them for granted just like we took for granted the hippie movement that brought forward the craft markets and buy local campaigns, the local farm networks and all of the social upheaval that brought us the freedom to create and control our lives in both big and small ways. People feared and hated the hippies and still do. That didn't stop the change.

People hate and fear what makes them think and step out of their delusions. They show their insecurity and try to blame and demonize to make themselves feel more powerful. Pay no attention to the illusions they project. You can read those letters to the editor and see how limited the thinking is. You can hear the underlying desperation that wants to kill the messengers.

Don't submit to your fears. Operate from love. Love this day, this fog, the hungry and desperate squirrel that eats all the seed before the spotted towhee can get any. Love the vendor who stole your idea and ran with it. Love the person who couldn't see out of their own little box and recognize you as you want to be seen. Challenge yourself to expand your notion of love, and let it push aside your fears.

Try to laugh. Cry a little if it helps, work harder if you enjoy working. Take a walk. Go to bed early with a book you've been meaning to get to. Love your dumpy body that has gotten you so far. Forgive your annoying partner who keeps doing that annoying thing when you've told them a million times.

Practice peace. Keep it simple. And to all those who didn't buy my stuff because they stayed home and made gifts for their loved ones, thank you. You are doing it right, too. You don't owe me a thing. I'm looking at the big picture, and I like the changes that are pushing through the fears with honesty and patience.

I'm going to keep doing what I do as long as I get to. I'm going to keep my goal in mind, which is to not make my problems other people's problems. I'm just a speck on a spot in a big, swirling universe. Wave when you see me twirl by, trailing Jell-O in my wake.

And if I don't wave back, maybe I was just distracted by something shiny. It's pretty shiny this time of year. Let's enjoy it while it lasts.

What a weekend!

Definitely the high point of this weekend at Holiday Market was the awarding of the Beth Little Micro-Enterprise Award to Beth, via our beloved Mayor Kitty Piercy. This was Colleen's wonderful idea and many, many people from Saturday Market wanted this to happen to let Beth know how much we appreciate her dedication. Members Nancy Barry and Ann Schwartz crafted the award, and it was a moment of tears and pride in the middle of a rocking Saturday. Thanks a million, Beth.



I always buy things from my fellows but last night I most thoroughly enjoyed my new shoes by the master shoemaker, Bob Walling. They are so comfortable I will be wearing them nearly all the time. I got them for indoor shoes, although they would be fine outdoors as well. When he pulled the bright green ones off the shelf and they fit me, the decision was made.

My taste treat among many was the most exquisite ice cream I have ever eaten, from Red Wagon Creamery. All of their flavors have been wonderful surprises but the Nutty as a Fruitcake was divine. I can't even describe how perfectly it fit my tastes. Succulent moist fruit and toasted nuts and just enough ice cream to hold it all together.

Lots of things are tasty at the Market, and I could mention more, such as George's candies, Zoe's cupcakes and fruitcake, the apricot scones, the butternut squash quesadillas, and the frozen cherries and other fruits from Hentze's at the farmers market, as well as the potatoes I got from Hayhurst Organic Farm. They have narcissus too, which I loved last winter. I love Kasey's heritage beans and popcorn, and all the carefully displayed fruits and vegetables from Grateful Harvest. Shari's cheeses, all of the nuts and dried fruits, cranberries...we are so lucky to have these hard-working farmers and producers in our midst.

I got kiwis from Linda Williams and put them in this bowl by her neighbor Susan Fishel. I have collected so many items from the Holiday and Saturday Markets that it would take several posts to honor all of them. I have many cards from Catherine Emlen, Tim Giraudier, Tim Fox, Erna Gilbertson, and Nancy Bright, and will be sending some of them out this week if I can make myself part from them. I have wonderful earrings from my neighbors Angie Harrison and Sue Hunnel, Gila Fox, Jeff Allen, and Amanda Finegold, and of course the innovative designs of Brandi Crye. Others I am forgetting for sure, but they all have a place in my heart.

I can't even list all of the things I love from my fellows. Bowls from Annie Heron and Linda again, and aprons from Anna Lawrence that I both own and covet. I have and use so many of the handmade products from my friends and Market family.

I have one of Willy and Janey's lamps (thank you Willy.) I have lots of pottery from Frank Gosar and Alex Lanham. Picture frames from Bill, things in my windows from Nancy Barry and Dave Winship and Michael Bertotti and tuna and salmon from Sally and her family of fisherpeople. Holy Donuts! Ritta's quesadillas, Dave's fantastic Oatmeal Fantasy cookies and his expresso shots, Colleen and Dana's artistry in desserts. PadThai from the master, Saman.

Pretty much everything I consume is sourced from the fine artists I am proud to accompany through this life, and I haven't set foot in a mall or superstore in years. My downtown stores such as the Kiva and other Unique Eugene businesses supply me...if I can't find it downtown I will sometimes go as far as BiMart. I have it so good.

The abundance in my life is astounding and I will try to take a few moments today to just appreciate that. I lack nothing. I had such wonderful moments packed into two hard-working days. I hope I give back just a piece of such goodness to all of those who give to me.

My sweet story was the patient, slow transaction with Katherine Gorman and her mother-in-law, who bought "We are the 99%" t-shirts for local activist Roscoe Caron. They have supported my retail activism for decades and it was validation and reward. Thank you everyone.

There are so many more...find them for yourselves, soon! One more weekend, and then the three-day that leads up to the ending, and then you might not see us for three months as we hide out in our studios and work off the ice cream and candy, eat bean soup and baked potatoes, and finish up all that squash we collected. Don't miss out!

Survived the Three Day

It might sound wimpy but three days of retail in a row are hard on us. It's a lot of smiling. There is also a lot of down time that still requires alertness. Waiting for customers, we get tempted into the aisles where we collect and trade gripes and successes. We dance and joke and prank each other constantly throughout the weekends, and once in a while (that's an understatement) someone loses perspective.

I do, anyway. I forget to keep the big picture in mind and get obsessed by some detail. A few of us spent a few hours being maddened again by the OCF fee increase. We plotted but of course don't really feel like we can do anything about it. It's aggravating to not feel a part of an organization like that. We need to work on it. I feel the most effective course is to continue to articulate our positions and continue trying to find the us and be part of it. We need to listen to our excuses and prod ourselves to be persistent for change. It's a big complicated group of people but each individual is approachable, and I truly believe each one has good intentions for the whole. People are much less selfish than we are inclined to believe.

Remembering that each individual can be addressed in person and thoughtfully is one of my goals. Whenever I see everyone as a group that can be categorized I make mistakes. There is almost never total agreement at a meeting or on a policy. That's one reason that in Market business we make a lot of exceptions to policy, that we emphasize what we do in practice rather than stick resolutely to our rules. The rules are guidelines to refer to when we are not sure what to do. It should always be more important to look at the individual, ask questions to find out why they do what they do, and try to find ways to accommodate the individual.

Sometimes they actually have a disability we don't know about, or a perfectly good reason for their actions or words that we have failed to hear or fully understand. We almost always need more information to make good decisions. That is why we try hard to do our business in the meetings, in the larger groups, with the principals in attendance, or at least with their communication in place. We have a lot of divergent thinkers in our groups, so we need to get together, share our viewpoints, and discuss things to make good solid decisions. We need to take the time to get the full information, and to tease out our assumptions and opinions from the actual facts.

I'm glad people think about things outside the meetings, and I hope they work on themselves to know when they are using drama or forgetting to examine their assumptions before they extend themselves with actions. I know for sure that I do not make good decisions when I am tired, distracted, and busy. I don't like to get all up in my passion and desire for justice and consistency and forget to think about where it all might lead. What is my goal? If it is just to vent my frustration or find control in my insecurity, I am glad when I kept things to myself while they resolved in my subconscious or wherever. Time helps, and it helps to step away from the problem.

We get really wrapped up in Holiday Market, and we don't even look outside our aisles sometimes. We get offended by things that we might not even notice outdoors or in the offseason. It all seems so big and essential.

I know most of us need every dollar we earn there. On top of the regular family stress and holiday busyness, we worry about how we will make it through the winter. We worry about people we are noticing more...are they sick? Do they have debt they can't manage? Are they drifting into irrationality? We maybe pay a little too much attention to each other in the routine of our comings and goings. I hear people saying "She doesn't like me" or complaining about something someone "always does." I hear intolerance and frustration. I hear the self-centeredness of forgetting I am a speck on a spot on a flea on a fly on a wart on a frog on a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea (to quote my favorite Dad song as a kid.)

It's not all about me! I have to tell myself that over and over. I may not be right. I may not be seeing what I think I see. Reality is slippery.

So keep that in mind, everyone, and give yourself a break. Give each other breaks. What may seem vitally important one moment may be laughable soon. Be patient. Be kind.

No one is in charge of our world. Each of us does our part. We do it together. We do it best together, in the same room, caring for each other.

We don't want to cause damage. Anger and intolerance cause damage. Acting rashly without thinking things through causes damage. At the last Board meeting, one potential new Board member went away shocked, I think, and we all went home with a small dent in our hearts from the anger expressed, as brief as it was. We want, above all, to be gentle and nurturing with each other so that we all can keep our fragile blossoms open.

It is seldom necessary in our world to take a hard line and be inflexible. Let's remember to take our time. We have our annual meeting this Sunday, and Beth is charged with summing it all up, this fractious and worrisome year, and putting it in perspective for us. Fortunately she has the skills to do that. We are still on the same journey, just pausing for a moment to look around.

It is an opportunity to celebrate, congratulate ourselves, and to see where we want to make adjustments. We each have our areas. I asked Beth to mention Tuesday Market, which is important to me. I'm guessing each participant brought something to her in that way, asking her to start or continue the process of refinement in a way that seems essential to them. She might not. There are a lot of areas in which we will have to work this coming year. We can only do so much if we want to do it well.

We want to do it well. It's not about us. We are here today but we will be gone on some coming tomorrow, and someone else will be in our space. I want Saturday Market to thrive for them. I want "us" to be here in fifty years, still in our niche, still essential to our members and our public. I want us to be careful.

And I really, really, really want us to be kind. This is the most gentle business network in the universe. That is important to me. We are all fragile, and any one of us could fall and knock over someone else. Being strong also requires being sensitive.

Let us not model any of the worst that we observe about the mainstream culture. Let us be ourselves and know what is best for us. Let us listen to our elders and our children and make wise, slow decisions that work for everyone. Let us put aside our passions and relax together.

We can do it. We can do it well. Just slow down and see everyone else gathered around. Be calm. Speak softly.

Get some sleep. Take a walk. Have some time off. Feel the love. Enjoy the abundance, and trust in the sufficiency. Everything is going to be all right.

And a special thanks to the musicians of Sunday, particularly Rob Tobias, for the thoughtful, uplifting energy that sustained and inspired us. I needed the Redemption Song.

I need you people. I'll be there for you, and I'll try to remember that you are there for me.

One More Time

We launched the Holiday Market, once again. As a veteran of every HM day way back to when it was one weekend where we made as much as we did in six weeks of the previous outdoor incarnations, all the two-week every day Dicken's Fairs, all those times when we hovered over our propane heaters wringing our hands in the snow and wind, kicking ourselves for our optimism, I can really see exactly what we have created.

The gathering indoors frees us up to enjoy ourselves so much. We go from our tightened, miserable days in the cold rain into the sparkly, warm interior, with all of its leisure and intimacy. This year I noticed the emotional release of the safety, the smoothness, the new mix of neighbors, the newbies, the lovely supportive customers who come to look at every little thing and delight with us in the blossoming of our amazing creativity. We worked hard. We had fun!

For me this is entirely due to our collective years of experiment and experience. Staff has the systems down. So many thousand decisions are made on the basis of the previous decades, knowing what doesn't work and what rewards, what stops the flow and what enhances it. The Holiday Market committee knows what to do when. Each year Beth and her management team refine procedures to embrace the new wrinkles like where the forks will be washed and what the farmers and Fairgrounds will do. Each set-up day we all lug our many loads in and arrange our many enticing wares and we gather in a big circle and eat three turkeys and lots of casseroles and get more and more comfortable in our giant, warm family.

Here on the first Monday after, I find myself full of joy, not tired and cranky. Sales could have been better, but now I see clearly that the first weekend is mostly the surveyors, people who want to see everything, don't want to miss those new vendors who only get in on the first weekend, those exceptional products that will sell quickly as the wonders that they are. We get the curious who have never been there. We get the Picadilly crowd who want hats for hunters (or blank ones) and are a bit afraid of some of us. Plenty of people took the opportunity to select from the best and take our "stuff" home. I no longer worry about not being successful there. That seems to be something we can now rely on, knock on wood just to be safe.

I used to get all conflicted about Buy Nothing Day. I'm not really a consumer, so I always wonder why I can trust so much in spreading out my consumables and having them convert to cash. I wouldn't afford some of my stuff, or that of my fellows. I might not even "see" it, in my lack of experience with the nuances of its creation and the trials that result in its display. Why do I feel so much more satisfied so early this year? What is different?

One thing is Facebook. Never before has it been so easy to share myself through photos of my work, and to visibly increase my network of friends (nevermind that lots of them are just Facebook friends, not necessarily the heart kind---sometimes they convert nicely). There is a sense of unlimited potential when friends of my brother in Australia can read my words and I can see that a post of mine can have hundreds of postviews. It's like having a personal ad agency, and a collective one with my people. We can promote each other with a click. There is always a new opportunity to do one more little thing to boost my presence in the world.

A second improvement is the strength of community we have gained this year through difficulty and adversity. From the tragedies of the winter through the struggles with our neighbors on the Park Blocks and all the way to my secretarial position which encourages me to make gestures of appreciation on the part of my organization to those who have experienced loss, I feel much more connected. I don't come and mount my 8x8 and go home alone. Every time I show up at the Park Blocks or the Fairgrounds I get a little tug in my heart from someone. I see people who have lost husbands or are struggling with medical crises or are riding the edge of functionality and I have been able to open my heart and listen and give. It adds to my joy to reach out, and to concentrate on the abundance of support instead of the scarcity. I see many "ordinary heroes" who give without question, who rise above pain and suffering to provide hope and sustenance. I enjoy offering help and playing with little kids and commiserating with anyone who asks for commiseration.

Occupy Eugene and the Movement has refreshed my hope for big change. I love it and it's brilliant, clunky process and have been energized by the terrible beauty of shining a light on what is wrong with the aim of finding what can be fixed. I see Jain and Vicki and those from my generation with our gentle wisdom, and Sam and Rob and Alley and many people I don't even know with their passion and emotional depth and innovative imagination and I see the real strength of thoughtful analysis and practiced listening skills. I see the way we continue to build on the foundation laid by changers from centuries ago, people who can't help themselves when they see wrong thinking. The fact that this evolution IS televised is the most wonderful aspect for me. I can watch the livestream of almost anywhere and see for myself what is true and what is the diabolical strategy of those who want to derail and destroy. It has never been so easy to find the truth before. I don't have to buy the marketing and the spin. I can do what I can without fear of hurting myself, which allows me to take each step of involvement at my own pace. I can see what others are doing and how they are doing it. I am inspired daily and my cynicism is at bay.

I have always wanted to do the t-shirt "Your cynicism will not protect you" but it's one of those that wouldn't sell, and would just puzzle people. I have enough products that don't sell. But now that I have my blog, I can throw these ideas out there into the tubes and I find that just as satisfying, maybe more satisfying, than making protest shirts. The current meme of putting the pepper-spraying cop into historical works of art is just cracking me up, and getting to see the brilliant cardboard signs from around the world reminds me that we are smart. People are brilliant, stellar, thoughtful and full of compassion. Just give us an opportunity to express ourselves, and stand back. On some levels, there is nothing wrong with this world, at all.

And the last thing that I see as different, which is a big subject which would lead to many blog posts and fascinate me, at least, is that I have Jell-O Art on my head when I walk through my world. All of a sudden I walk down the hall and people are staring at me in wonder. They stop me and ask about it. They are amazed with me at the magic of it. Every outfit I wear is enhanced by it. I used to dress up rather reluctantly for Holiday Market, but now it is effortless, and I understand a little more the good side of the attention women get for being attractive, which is something that usually disturbs me. Jell-O gives it just the right twist to taste delicious to me.

One of my dear friends came and looked at each piece and added several items to her art collection. She is a person who sized her life down to essentials and controlled her collections to only what she found meaningful and loveable, and to have her appreciation is gratifying. I love explaining it to people, even when they have that certain measure of disbelief and subtly back away. I feel so lucky to have something great to share, something no one has seen before, or seen too much of (yet.)

The silly, the inspirational, the intelligent, the emotional, the overwhelming, the stuff that cuts to the heart. It's all there, at the Holiday Market this year. As an organization, and in my personal efforts, we're in the refinement stage. It just gets more beautiful, more lubricated, more accessible, and more precious every moment. It's emphemeral, it's elusive, and it's priceless.

And we all get to share it. What a time to be alive.

So I'm thinking this will be the year when I don't get exhausted, or sick, or tired of everything. I won't hate all people on Christmas Eve when my memories collide with my disappointment and emptiness. I won't despair about my deprivation and forget to notice my sufficiency and abundance. What I have is enough. What I can see and touch is everything.

Whose world? Our world. Welcome to it. Please make it your own.

Tis the season

It's beginning to be the Holiday Season (we had a sax player in Santa hat playing carols on the corner, in the rain on Saturday) but for those of us who are getting ready for Holiday Market, it's the season of irrationality and stress.

We're over-extended, with lots of cash tied up in inventory, lots of piles of products to finish, lots of new ideas for display and arrangement nagging at us that we can't really do anything about until we get into the building at the Fairgrounds. Saturday was cold and wet, and miserable, though most of us sold a few things, had a few laughs, and made it through the day without too much damage.

Lots of us stayed home. My body wanted to stay home but my loyalty won out. If Market is going to sponsor an event for me, I'm going. There was always a hot bath and a rest and a Sunday at the end of my day (even an extra hour of it) so I felt I could make it. Also I wore three pairs of socks, four jackets, rain pants, and had dry socks just in case. I took no chances. Most of my products stayed in the realm of damp and didn't get actually wet.

Raven was back, so the neighborhood felt somewhat normal, and there were many nice marchers on the scene to appreciate us and help us feel a part of the movement, even though we had to yell from across the street. There were shoppers, there were people buying Christmas presents and people just discovering Saturday Market. Except for the wet and cold part it was a pretty good day. Next week will have that nostalgic feeling of the last Market of the year on the blocks, and I'll be there, no matter what the weather promises. I'm tough.

But being tough this time of year takes some new thinking patterns. I was going over my normal lists of reasons the Holiday season disappoints and distresses me, thinking of writing letters and blogs and all of the things I usually do to work out the angst, when I started reading a book about brain biology and realized that new thinking will help me.

My usual pattern of letting my family know about my distress is actually a way of making my problems their problems, and I'm guessing they already know all about mine and might just have a few of their own to deal with. So one thing I can do is not make my problems anyone else's problems. I can just decide what I am doing about showing love and appreciation this year, do those things, and let my distress lie in the past where it originates.

Maybe there is really no new distress in my story. I've done awfully well at identifying it and analyzing it for many years, so maybe this year I can push it back into the past. Can't change the past, but I can change the stories I tell myself about it. I know that works.

Money is just not important enough spiritually to let it be the driving force for everything. I can focus on having enough: what I have is enough. I'm doing well. I can be warm and safe and do the things that help me feel warmer and safer. I have lots of dry socks, and I can get my traditional new pair of fleece socks right at the HM and maybe a new hat. You can never have too many warm hats, and maybe it would help me feel warmer if I shared some of the old ones I don't wear with new people. I know lots of people sleeping outside who need more than one hat.

I can focus on what I do like about the Holidays, the foods, the traditions that I enjoy, the warmth of beeswax candles. I like singing carols. I can find more singing opportunities or even get that old piano book out and sit down at the keyboard and see if I can still play. I was looking through my books and found one in which I had written down all of the mandolin tunes I was learning way back in the early 70's, so I could tune up the mandolin and see if my fingers remember any of them. I could treat myself to a uke, which was my first instrument, and find ways to play it, maybe even with some of the plethora of local uke players.

I could work on my tendency to isolate, a little bit at a time. I could isolate less, I could exercise more. I could challenge myself to give a gift to myself, something meaningful, something I could spend the full array of emotions on: the longing, the wishfulness, the fear of not deserving, the fear of not being seen, the disappointment of not being understood, the feeling of emptiness that can come with watching other people give and receive. All the love I tell myself I don't get while ignoring what I do get.

I could easily turn off the TV more often and stop that insidious tendency to compare myself with others, especially others who only exist in advertisements so deviously crafted to ramp up our inadequacies and feelings of deprivation. It is sometimes not enough to intellectually understand this stuff. Sometimes we just have to take actions to counteract.

I've always loved Buy Nothing Day despite the very real conflicts I have with retailing on that day. I could do more to live my ideals, like find the very best sources for my goods, instead of the most convenient, and try to be more comfortable with the contradictions I set up for myself. I might be able to find items made in the USA that aren't dorky (the hats) and overly expensive (those family wage jobs are worth supporting.) I could do myself a big favor and not carry so much inventory.

I've taken steps down these roads, but I can step livelier and challenge myself a little more. I might find that instead of increasing the stress, it makes me feel better. I can practice more kindness and understanding for everyone, including myself.

I can look around and see what is happening, because we who isolate and work too hard tend to forget to do this. Just look around. There is a lot happening, and some of it is amazing.

There is a lot to be thankful for, like good frozen whole wheat pie crusts and friends who actually cook turkeys and put up with our habits of mind without complaint. There's that amazing Harvest Dinner we have on HM set-up day, where we gather to share ourselves in every way. There is the glory and gorgeousness that is the creativity in our locale. Holiday Market is just a little part of it.

There are all of those who love us as we are, support our growth, and hope for the best for us. Sure, the cynic is right that we all act in our own self-interest. But there is a lot more to that story.

Sometimes it is in our self-interest to act in ways that don't connect directly with our narrowest view, but rather see our self-interest in the thriving of everyone in our much broader view. It is in my self-interest that all beings be well. Do your part. Be kind to yourself this time of year, and let that flow outward and onward.

Beautiful Process

Cold cold cold cold cold. I really hate to be cold. I really, really admire all those who hung around the freezing concrete in the river fog last night for the Occupy GA. I watched it in the relative comfort of my home, riveted.

As I said in my last couple of blogs, I had a lot of emotions about the protesting, and decided for that reason (avoiding the adrenaline patterns) that I couldn't participate in person. I feel lame about it, but self-preservation is what it is.

But I'm so grateful that this revolution is being (partially) televised. The GA meeting on Wed. night Oct. 26 was a really compelling example of patient, innovative and creative process. Meetings are hard for many, but I like them. I usually take minutes if possible to keep me in the moment and not feeling bored or impatient. I like the role of recorder and can channel my desire for justice into painting the most accurate picture possible of what happened.

The minutes can't possibly fully illustrate the beautiful moments of a well-run meeting. Last night there were good minutes being posted on the Occupy Eugene Facebook page, as well as a play-by-play thread which included over 1300 comments that helped fill in the gaps from people not speaking clearly and stupid violent ads that would interrupt the livestream. The video was of marginal quality due to the conditions, but it showed enough to get the sense of the crowd's appearance (bundled up) and size. When the vote was taken to see if there was 90% consensus, after there were a couple of immovable blocks, there were over 75 people still there, and it was midnight.

There were two facilitators, and I didn't catch the name of the second (Silver-something), but the young man named Samuel Rutledge was fantastic at responding, hearing subtleties, and coming up with creative ideas to move things along the way the body wanted them to be moved. I know he didn't do it alone, but he was the linchpin or center around which things revolved, and he was amazing. Apparently he has been part of Community Village and I'm sure he has done plenty of other available training, but however he gained his skills, it was impressive how well he used them.

And he didn't make it all about himself, at all. He always kept himself in the position of facilitator (except when we got a glimpse of how this wonderful skill set can affect his wife and children, which must be wonderful and terrible at times.) It was the best TV I've seen in forever.

It makes me want even more to broaden my understanding of consensus and bring it to the decision-making bodies I sit in on. I've always been committed to it but most of my groups have devolved to consensus-seeking, for efficiency I suppose. Possibly it is partly because we didn't keep up with the available tools. The hand signals are new to me, and darned useful. And consensus-seeking is still better than fighting things out in the sad delusion that there are only two sides of a question. Mostly people don't fall into that trap any more, except maybe in bodies that are politically charged and secretly funded by the Koch Bros. (like the County Commissioners?)

Listening! What a thrilling thing to see how simple it can be to allow everyone a voice. Grounding worked well last night too. There was a woman with a singing bowl who would walk around vibing when things got tense, and it really did serve to calm and bring people back to the present moment. It was just lovely.

So they decided where to move, and another chapter opens today for the movement. Even though I am mostly watching, I really appreciate all the very hard work of so many people. There is a lot of passion and energy being channeled into this communication to the world and I am proud of our local groups and their efforts. I hope everyone can continue to take the high road.

It isn't over. There will still be ways to participate and some of them might be easier now. There was a definite feeling of not being safe in that big dark park and there was no way I could go down there. It will be much more approachable now. More power to the people!