And now the home stretch

We have a few days now between the "big weekend" and the last three days of the Holiday Market, in which we have the self-assigned task to get everything right and finish up in style. I say that with tongue in cheek, because I don't know about you, but for me the biggest task is just managing emotional territory to stay positive and rational. I have my issues. Style is slipping, and most of us come on Christmas Eve in our pajamas and slippers.

The easiest thing for me to do is complain. My brain likes to look for reasons and solve problems, and when I am this tired the problems seem so large and troublesome and the process to solve them seems pretty far out of reach. The next easiest thing is to fix some blame...but fortunately for me I seem to have found a way to have a permanent roadblock in that process that stops me when I hear myself trying to demonize someone. Anyone, really. And I'm learning not to complain, recognizing the tone. I'm not a complainer! My problems are real, just like everyone's.

I can't help myself from seeing through people's actions to getting a glimmer of the deep needs that drive them. I don't know about you, but for me the human condition is terrifying. I am a single person with one child who is just on the verge of getting on his feet, as I am just on the verge of getting social security (the pittance I will receive as a self-employed under-producer.) My Mom is almost 86...she can't take care of me. Nobody can take care of me but me. I can't really afford to access that terror. I have to pretend it isn't there, and I see so many people operating out of that deep fear, and losing the ability to pretend. They're acting out.

The International Movement for Social Justice comes from the surfacing of that terror, as it becomes something that is too costly, economically and socially, and emotionally, to ignore. I think I feel scared, when I have a warm home I can afford, a car that I can move into if it gets that bad, and still a few options to increase my security and ease. I'm in really good shape for someone whose income is in the bottom few percent. I don't live like I am at the bottom, thanks mostly to the generosity of others. My customers are kind and giving people and my printing clients are loyal and accommodating. I am lucky enough to have had the space to develop some useful skills and my Mom instilled some great values in me that keep me afloat and swimming. So if I feel scared, I can certainly see why others do.

I grew up in a gentler time, when there were not so many terrified and desperate people. In my twenties I participated in another movement for social justice and peace, and it changed me in ways that shaped my life in a loving, giving, peaceful and positive form. I've never lost that ethic, that we are in this together and we all have to respect and assist one another in getting to a better place, that peace and justice are our over-reaching goals, and we are on an upward spiral to a clearer consciousness.

So when I sense the fears and desperation that drive negative behaviors, I am able to forgive most people for their transgressions, even while they vex me and cause me to change my direction. I seem to almost always be able to push past my initial defensive reaction (which almost always comes up) and ask myself why that person would do or say such a thing.

And I see that it is almost always some fear or insecurity within them, some affliction that is crying out to be comforted. Most times the person isn't even aware of it. I'm not psychic, I just can recognize these very common conditions and empathize a bit. I'm in the 99% of us who have felt pain. I don't want to add to anyone else's, no matter what they are seeming to do to me.

It's not about me. That is my advice to any of you who are having a hard time and wanting to consult the oracle (thanks, Lynn, for the undeserved title, which amuses me). It's not about you!

You are doing the best you can. You are doing many things in stellar, shining ways that maybe aren't even recognized. You might not get rewarded, but it is not because you don't deserve to be. Your chance may yet come to feel that momentary satisfaction of doing things right.

It is rare to feel that all is right with the world. Yet, it is, on some level we may not even have emotional access to. This is our world, and we are all constantly working to improve upon it. We are all doing our part.

If you don't feel good, you can't do your best work. Feel good. Keep on that sunny side.

I was complaining to my guru/hairdresser Jan my feelings that I shouldn't even be displaying my "We are the 99%" shirts because the tide of public opinion has shifted and it is probably hurting my sales. She stopped me and mentioned that she has not watched TV in many months, and that she totally disagreed with me that the tide has turned. I had unconsciously, in fear, bought into the dominant paradigm promoted by the corporate media. And I think she is correct.

The changes brought by the Occupy movement will last for years and will be subtle, essential changes in how the world operates. We'll take them for granted just like we took for granted the hippie movement that brought forward the craft markets and buy local campaigns, the local farm networks and all of the social upheaval that brought us the freedom to create and control our lives in both big and small ways. People feared and hated the hippies and still do. That didn't stop the change.

People hate and fear what makes them think and step out of their delusions. They show their insecurity and try to blame and demonize to make themselves feel more powerful. Pay no attention to the illusions they project. You can read those letters to the editor and see how limited the thinking is. You can hear the underlying desperation that wants to kill the messengers.

Don't submit to your fears. Operate from love. Love this day, this fog, the hungry and desperate squirrel that eats all the seed before the spotted towhee can get any. Love the vendor who stole your idea and ran with it. Love the person who couldn't see out of their own little box and recognize you as you want to be seen. Challenge yourself to expand your notion of love, and let it push aside your fears.

Try to laugh. Cry a little if it helps, work harder if you enjoy working. Take a walk. Go to bed early with a book you've been meaning to get to. Love your dumpy body that has gotten you so far. Forgive your annoying partner who keeps doing that annoying thing when you've told them a million times.

Practice peace. Keep it simple. And to all those who didn't buy my stuff because they stayed home and made gifts for their loved ones, thank you. You are doing it right, too. You don't owe me a thing. I'm looking at the big picture, and I like the changes that are pushing through the fears with honesty and patience.

I'm going to keep doing what I do as long as I get to. I'm going to keep my goal in mind, which is to not make my problems other people's problems. I'm just a speck on a spot in a big, swirling universe. Wave when you see me twirl by, trailing Jell-O in my wake.

And if I don't wave back, maybe I was just distracted by something shiny. It's pretty shiny this time of year. Let's enjoy it while it lasts.