Life and Death, Right Next to Each Other

 Just a quick word to say I am too busy to relax and reflect this week (month.) I am almost done with my custom work but still lagging on my inventory, so will be working today despite my knowledge that I need rest. I'll go at a slower pace determined by my foot, my neck, and all the other things.

We lost JoAnn Siner, who sold every week for so long, and then could not get enough help to continue. There wasn't any information, no booth bouquet table (and her space was empty yesterday, too.) I miss our traditions. Misy Hansen also died this month, and she wasn't even old. She was our Treasurer at a pivotal time and was a fucking ray of sunshine as her FB says. 

Yesterday was one of the emptiest markets in a long time, and as often happens, it didn't really rain. There were a few small drops. I carefully took my popup and weights instead of my bandanas, but it worked out okay except for some additional physical efforts. My sales to all of the tourists here for the Savannah Bananas were good, but it would have been good for market if someone would have told our members that there would be an additional  120,000 people in town for those two sold-out Autzen events (one yesterday and one today.) The crowd was much like the football crowds, new to us but not buying much, as they already spent a fortune on tickets, lodging and transportation. Informing our members of reasons they should try to show up would have helped yesterday. 

Surprisingly, we had no counter-protestors to the PRIDE march so we got to fully enjoy ourselves with that and the many customers who shopped and surveyed us before and after going over to the Fairgrounds. I took my homemade PRIDE flag and held it up roadside, making wonderful eye contact with so many people I did not know, trying hard not to dissolve in tears. I've only been willing to be out for the last few years, just preferring to keep my sexuality to myself, so I recognize the ways of the closet and the freedom of the declaration of that little aspect of my life. It's never been a big factor for me, so I'm not being particularly brave, just proud of everyone who has been much more out and confrontational over my lifetime so that I can have this bit of safety now.

There were a lot of reasons why people did not come sell yesterday: the show circuit, OCF prep, the lack of real weather predictions we can trust, and fear of the counter-protests, but I know the hike to $25 plus 10% was also a factor. People have told me they are cutting their losses, just choosing the reliably good days to attend. I expect next week to also be half full, as holidays are not reliably good. It depends some on what else is happening. Fortunately the farmers do bring us customers now, expecially when they close at 2:00. The wandering public comes right across the street to wander us. It's sad when we are not very impressive. I wish we still had the member loyalty we carefully cultivated over the decades. 

We'd post on the FB members page about why we come on rainy days, we'd share our enthusiasm for our new products, we'd build community hard. Those of us who have been pushed out of leadership into silence are still carrying these cultural habits, but we're not acting them out. It's a huge loss to our community. Across from me yesterday was the CDR booth, promoting mediation and reconciliation services, and I felt another loss from the access we used to have to that as a tool. I've participated twice, but the last one was sabotaged and when the parties aren't committed, it can't work. I'm grateful to have that skill set that maybe I can use again someday. 

I keep trying on the phrase "My time is past," but you know, it really isn't. I gave my thoughts on closing at Hallowe'en for the year to two Board members, one who had no comment and doesn't speak to me (they're not hostile, just obviously turned against me by the false narrative that I hate the market) and one who did talk to me about it and other areas that we agree on, or are at least willing to dialogue on, and that affirmed for me that we are not all the way broken. I'll say again that there is no part of me that hates the market and it seems impossible that there ever would be. I used to say I helped build the market and the market helped build me. I'm not fully finished yet, and neither is the market.

It's still different every Saturday. It's still delightful, with a warbler of some kind and some turkey buzzards and those who have moved on and newly entered. I bought a cookie from a young person who just might start building too. 

A toast to JoAnn. Sorry I can't find that photo we took at HM a few years back, when you were surprised that you had people to defend you about something or other. I don't remember what it was about either, just that I was surprised that you were surprised you'd be defended. I remember how you were framed as impossibly needy at the end, and more or less forced to retire.

Now that is what I expect for myself...unless we get a chance to restore our community before it is fully gone from our memories and culture. You are in the archives. I still have that one button, "People Not Profits" from that other time when we had a manager who valued our payments more than our persons.