Same sandwich?

 Membership organizations are complex! Members have rights, but seldom the documents outlining those rights. Obviously operating on trust and honesty makes the organization vulnerable. Policy is your friend, but policy can't predict every situation, or be understood in a useful way when things come up that are complicated. I did some research in ORS 65 the other day and everything seemed so general and easy to bend. It's a rare person who can read policy and come up with a definitive interpretation that will hold over time and convince people who disagree. 

I watched the OCF Board meeting, which was cringy, but to their credit they made most of it public, only keeping some confidential, so I'm proud of them for attempting to honor transparency and the members' right to know things. Truth is, the members will almost always get the full story eventually, and none of the ordinary members are sworn to confidentiality, and most don't understand it either.

So the truth comes out. Often there are multiple versions of it, and usually opinions formed over years don't change. Some kind of historical "truth" settles in and becomes the story that moves forward.

Trying to make a policy for an individual situation when you should have already made that policy is a bad look. When other people were fired, who were members, various limits were put on them, that weren't put on others. It was harsh then and it still seems harsh. The Board agreeing to go along with it doesn't make it right and whether or not it was an elegant solution remains to be seen. Something elegant ought to be more immediately recognizable. 

While it may have pushed the current situation into some kind of a solution, only time will tell if that solution works. Mistreatment doesn't go away, it lives on in the damage done and the perceptions, right or wrong, of the people who participated, and even more so in those who observed, weren't given the full story, and drew their conclusions. That is not something that can be controlled, which is the place where control tactics fail to work. Wisdom needs the acceptance that nothing is really under control, so the tactics will backfire. 

The volunteers who serve have to find a way to settle things within themselves, so anything that can inspire them to work through it and continue their service is useful, and welcome, and I see that the mostly wise and relatively professional volunteers on that Board tried to offer that inspiration. 

To me, I see so much missing and am reminded of the times not so long ago when that was not provided. I don't see that little bit of inspiration winging its way over to my own situation. 

Once again I examine my participation, silence and all of the emotional and intellectual work it requires to find ways to navigate these complexities. I want to trust the people I have learned to trust...but that is simply more difficult every time. 

At this rate, there might not be many people left in that category. It's too hard. No wonder I am so excited about my unstructured, sunny day when my work seems simple and straightforward.

Rake leaves. Print the little piles to fill in my inventory. Watch the weather predictions so I know how to handle Saturday. At least that is looking better everytime I check it. Maybe that is the guidance I want.

Certainly the deep dreams I had about digging things up from the ground inside a building where an event was in progress will not be helpful to form metaphors about. Or going out to open my shop and finding that a bloody murder had happened on my front steps. No feathers or fur, just the guts and the blood. Somewhere no doubt I will see the swarm of flies that has found the carcass. 

Still a sunny and rare day to savor though. 

Howl

 We very nearly lost a beloved tradition yesterday...the collective howl across the blocks at the end of the last Park Blocks day. The whole day was more silent than usual...no fountain noise, though the drumming and the stage music could be heard. In the morning I searched my memory for a song to quietly sing as I set up, just to set intention for the day, and fill in for the missing neighbors I usually chat with. The west block was almost empty until the 4x4s moved in from Park Street to give us a peopled neighborhood again.

But there was one young man who sat down on the grass and took out his guitar to tune it, and I told him I was trying to think of a good song. I had one hip hop song going in my mind and jingles from commercials (Come on over, come on over baby...) but nothing I wanted to sing. He started in with his main repertoire, Grateful Dead, which I don't really know by heart, but enjoy. He had a nice calm energy and I bought him breakfast. We fed on the words we all know so well that still live though the writers are gone. 

The sales day was restorative after the last week when I made less than I probably have in two decades, though I'd have to pull out a lot of files to prove that. If we had ended our season on Oct. 31st this year, it would have been so sad and wrong. Putting things on sale was just a desperate move for me to get the skunk off the table as we say, as the hours went by last week with no sales and no customers. Having the market-wide sale on the last day is not a good plan, in my view. Everyone makes less, because volume does not make up for price cuts, generally. My sad $175 (I know for many that is not a bad day, but it is for me) would have been higher and I would have paid market more, if things were the regular price. Generally I do not find that lower prices make the decisions for people. They either want the things or they don't. That could just be me. I have a long history of not accepting discounts from my fellow members, often preferring to overpay them. There's a subtle thing I have not really learned even in 51 years about how we value our work and transmit that to people who love it, but I'm still trying to learn it and I know paying a fair price feels better than getting a deal that makes one person have an advantage over the other.

So again yesterday I spent a bunch of money and bought things from my new and old friends whether or not I really needed them. I want those people to keep making them. It's a counter to consumerism and more community-building, and has given me some of my most treasured possessions, like this fork

I bought from Virgil Courtright when he was in the 4x4s near the end of his life, selling off a few things he wanted us to have. It's numbered, #4, and he said it was carved from some white oak from Daniel's booth near main stage at fair. Not sure if Daniel is gone, but Virgil will not be using this old technique of splitting a branch into four to make a gorgeous tool like this. I use it once a year to throw leaves over my gardens and keep it in my kitchen so I can admire it. There is nothing like a handmade object to ground you in your life and keep you mindful of the people who helped you make such a rich life.

There's also this spoon for a handmade set I asked Wanna Spoon to make me for the chipped one, and he didn't make anything plain. He made a small work of art. That is what we

spend our time doing. The value is immeasurable. 

It was George's birthday, speaking of inspiring crafty people who have moved into a less physical realm, and the veil is staying thin for me as I continue to process my little hopes and dreams that seem validated by the recent votes, not just in the national elections, but in the fair one as well, where it seems that character is back as a thing that matters enough to work for, and justice is on the agenda again. 

The fair is messy like market, like many membership organizations that have periods of struggle to refine their values and remember how to connect their roots with their dreams. It's never a perfect process and all of us who participate will never agree on people or tactics or programs or results, but in the messiness is the gorgeousness of collaboration and those elegant ideas that emerge from the mix of ideas and opinions that we welcome in to make the heavy and important decisions we need to always be making. All of them matter well beyond their motions and first implementations and short-sightedness is a crime in our process.

I decided to sell with the farmers for the next two weeks, which I do enjoy as a person who could easily have become one of them, instead of the course I took across the street. It's in my heart and my body to work the land, through my mother, the Nebraska farm girl, (her book Johanna is a good read if you want to go find it.) So I just take Virgil's #4 out as I gather up the neighbors' leaves every fall and I keep buying plants and expensive beautiful apples and breads and kimchee and all the favorite items I get across the street from the blocks. I'll be stocking up next week and the one after. 

I'd rather hold my space on the west block, but I'm not the one making the short-sighted decisions these days, though I did remember and instigate the howl even though there were only four of us there to do it. I hope I never stop carrying the legacy and the history forward, as it will always be important and even essential to our survival, which we cannot take for granted.

All of the inspiring political posts and analyses I've been reading focus on the inclusivity and diversity we need as a community to keep us all thriving, not just some, and certainly just protecting the elite was soundly rejected for our nation and our microcosms. We are here to support and protect all of us, most importantly the ones struggling. 

Silencing any voice, however unpopular or inconvenient, is not something any of us are really willing to support. Sure, it gets hard to sift through opinions sometimes to get to something currently useful in moving forward, but harassing people for having opinions is not sustainable and it is killing us as a community just like forgetting our loved traditions is robbing us of our richness. There wasn't a little parade yesterday, either, not uncommon if the people who do it are not there. So many of us are not there these days. Last year, Fred came down with his rattle to an empty west block, as I watched from farmers. I didn't see him yesterday, or even notice the absence of the parade, but I did notice how many of the regulars were not there. I don't think there was one Board member or officer selling. 

Not that they are required to, as they are allowed to cut their losses like so many other members are doing on these high-fee, low-attendance days. It's time to also allow the food booths to not be required to attend. They have to buy quarterly licenses from the county, and as they are location-based, often this time of year they buy one for a week in November or four or five weeks in October/November. Depends when they start their year. But requiring a cold drink booth to attend in October can be rough on them, as it is to require a hot food booth to cook on an 100-degree day in midsummer. They get two days off if needed, and can take four more for a currently $25 absence fee, but it's time to set them free from requirements that are not made of all of the other members. The time when food booths made a lot more than craft booths is over. Lots of us crafters make more regularly than some of the less-popular foods. Farmers also has a problem getting and keeping food booths, as it is just a hard business to be in, and with food trucks all over the place, their "piece of the pie" takes a constant scramble to innovate, deliver top quality and service, and nurture that loyalty and care that brings them to sell even when they might lose money. Their calculations on amounts and recipes have to be precise and throwing away food is antithetical to their values. 

For prepackaged foods in the craft booths, there is that paradigm where you might come on a Saturday, particularly in April and May, and not get a booth at all. Then you are left with products you can't sell. Of course not selling out can happen on any day, and making a point of buying from our prepackaged food booths is super important as a way to keep them coming. I have my favorites of those as well, and the cool thing is if you tell the person you love their cookies, for instance, they might expand that selection to bring more of what you like most. The personal aspects of that are so valuable, you might never buy a package of Pepperidge Farm cookies again. That person to person response is what makes us so strong.

And so, back to elections, it is now going to be our turn to field some candidates that will serve our membership, restore and uphold our traditional values, and lead our market with care and the long view, nothing self-serving, nothing for now that will not sustain us. There will be five openings on our Board. We will need officers who will show up, do the oversight, and lead the decisions with legality and the future in mind. We need real leadership, as we have always needed it, and always will.

Someone told me they are just going to ride this pony until it drops. Really? It will be okay to watch a pony die? I know they didn't mean to say they don't care about the pony. They care enough to keep riding, but they're not necessarily the one who can take the reins of leadership, and they're recognizing the absence of those people. It's not easy to do it, which is why I have accepted that I am no longer the person who can, either. I can do lots to support those who will step up, as we all can. 

If you actually read my blog, you know that I haven't done any of the things in the cease-and-desist: stalking, cyber-bullying, slander, libel, threatening behavior, even harassment. I have not lied about any  of the basis of my opinions. I've written about my own experiences, in an honest way, in my own space, and everything I have written is fact-based, and a valid and important view of what has been happening to me and to others. Everyone is free to disagree with it and I haven't pushed it on anyone. 

But pushing me into silence and fear is a problem for the entire community. Certainly I am not the only one, and many of us are afraid to engage, afraid to serve as a leader, and afraid to make the changes that our survival requires. Putting together a solid Board is task number one. Nobody has to do it alone, and that is the first thing I was taught when I first became Chair at the age of 33 or whatever I was then. I wasn't skilled. I learned and was taught. I was mentored and we worked together to grow and meet the challenges of that day, which were most of the main challenges we still face. Promotions, financial accountability, relations with our city and the farmers, the greater community, and our member businesses are still the same challenges. It's endearing and distressing that our problems remain the same in their basic forms. It's going to be affirming when the energy for solid values and sustainable practices moves from the other realms into our little election.

I hope for us that we have no more negative campaigning, secret or overt. No one gets labeled and there needs to be no division regarding supporting staff or supporting members. If we aren't all on the same team, what are we doing? It isn't about personalities, it's about the whole. What is elevating the whole community (including the public) and what is not? How do we keep on track? How do we thrive? 

You have some of those answers, yes you. Maybe it is your time to run and make some of the solutions. You won't be doing it alone, and you will grow and learn and look back to see the value, even the parts that are hard to do. Maybe those parts are the most valuable. I am here to tell you that value is immeasureable.

Time to take out my fork to get the last of the leaves. Rain has come. Yesterday was such a gift, and it was a happiness to share it with so many of our community members. A fitting end to the season.

Be the wolf. The cougar. Or be a marmot, even a nutria if that is what you can bring. Be the yappy dog it that is all you have. But please do be one of us. Imagine if we lost it. 

 

Gifts

 

At least it didn't rain

 Darn, I'm still cold. I was nicely bundled up yesterday but getting my house up to 70 degrees is proving to be difficult this morning. My plan was to rake leaves but I do not want to go out there just yet. I did fill the bird feeder and throw out more seed for them, knowing they are colder and hungrier than I am.

Cold Halloweens kind of spoil the costuming but at least it didn't rain so I could still wear the Jell-O. I forgot that whenever I bring it out I get to have lots of conversations about  Jell-O Art and the creative process and that was unexpectedly super fun.

The customer interactions that I did have were wonderful as usual and though sales were pitifully few at least I sold something. That would have been harsh to make the effort to show up and then lose money. I mean, I kind of did, because I spent more than I made, but I've been stocking up on a few farmers' products since I don't expect to see them as much going forward. I really miss the farmers' market in the winter but it is so hard to go out on a Saturday in the offseason, I just don't. It's a fine luxury to do other things on a weekend besides work and prepare to work and recover from work.

Met some new members yesterday in all that leisure time and although they weren't new, we hadn't really looked much at each other's booths before, which is the upside of not being very busy. Hearing members talk about their work is always illuminating, even if it might be their usual spiel they give every potential customer. I am not personally familiar with the joys of every craft, though we often share that we do want to try a bit of everything as we are generally a very curious group of people.

Hearing about their explorations while they searched for the craft that stuck reminded me of my own art journeys and that they will never be over (until I am....) I'd almost forgotten the old story that Jell-O Art made me an Artist but there I was telling it again to someone else who had no idea what the nuances and depths of Jell-O Art are about. Maybe a new Jell-O artist is in the making!

Costumes were subdued but I had to force myself to "Haul the Ass" as my friend put it, since I have just faced market as a chore to get through recently. I want to have fun, but it seems risky since people are out there who would like to spoil it. So I didn't get elaborate, just took it and two Jell-Os with me and hoped I would feel like putting them on. I was quickly encouraged to do that. It's fun wearing something no one can really see from the front. As at Fair, the bustle is super popular and even though I didn't make it myself, I am glad I made use of it. It was so timely I could make presidential jokes so that political aspect was also unexpected and extra fun. I told one person "Quiet Piggy!" to their shock and I only did that once, as it was so unpleasant. It didn't make it funny. I haven't enjoyed at all watching an old pedo lose his control and let his venom out, so like most people I know I am more than ready to not have to think about these "jokes" any more. I tried to just take everything as a compliment. 

 The bird hats are one of the most fun products I have made...so many birders in the world. One returning buyer got a Meadowlark and we got to chatting. I told him I had seen a bird I wasn't sure of in my yard, which had very distinctive spots on it's breast, and he knew right away it was more than just my guess of a small thrush. He knew that the Swainson's Thrush has a reddish tail and that those have mostly migrated, but that it was surely a Hermit Thrush which I had looked up in the Sibley's but the picture didn't really highlight the spots. I looked in a few more books today and it was definitely right. I've been trying to pin down the Fox Sparrow for a long time as Lotte mentioned it in one of her journals but it wasn't one of those. Close though. I'm going to see one someday. I have been reading a book by Christian Cooper about birding and he describes waiting for hours for a bird to show itself, talking about the succession of migrating warblers in Central Park NYC, but I am not as patient and mostly just get lucky when they drink at my watering stations or perch in my trees. Maybe one of the joys of aging will be spending more time sitting with the binos patiently waiting. 

The thrill of a new bird never gets old. We also talked about plants and I have a potential new one to get, Coyote Brush, which is native to California. Reading about it just now, I probably won't put one in, but it is a late fall bloomer and he said he saw so many species of pollinators on it that he was astonished. He was really a naturalist, and I'm not as interested in the insect world, but maybe I could be. I have definitely noticed that all of the flying things are not finding enough plants to feed on right now. I suppose we might want to put in more plants from the southern reaches of our range, because of the climate zones creeping north, so I'll keep it in mind. Bug life would certainly hold plenty of material for hats, and I am often asked for them. Nothing is more fun than hearing some person really get into their favorite subjects, whether that be clay or little flying creatures. 

I'll be going to market for the last day, next week. It might be only a few of us, but those goodbye hugs and last "See you Saturday" moments are important to me. None of us know if we will really return, and that gets less certain all the time. Yesterday was mostly about friends, and feeling lucky to have them. I'm going on the last day for those friends. We'll be packing in the dark, but it will still make us feel good on the way home. 

What is in the Balance

Madder Than a Wet Hen

 Yesterday was fun downtown, mostly because we got lucky with the sun, if you were lucky enough to be set up in the sun. The shade was cold. It's cold today, and it looks like it will rain all week. Goodbye leaves. 

And although it looks like next Saturday the 31st will not be rainy, a lot of members told me yesterday that it was their last day on the Park Blocks. There are only two markets left down there, and then a week between that and the HM for people who do the first weekend there, so I'm sure cutting your losses and staying home sounds good to many. It sounds good to me too. 

I've been planning to try to sell every week as I have done for so many years, but now that I do not feel supported by the organization, I am definitely questioning why I am  holding onto that loyalty. Because loyalty to the concept of "making a market" has always been a big part of why I show up every week. I am well aware that not all of them are good for sales, as the hottest ones and the coldest ones and the wettest ones are hard to justify showing up for. I show up for the public, who expect a market, for my friends and customers, who want to mail things early or support me or visit with me or just discover me for the first time, and for my market community, which needs strong leaders and wants to feel that we are doing something together for our mutual benefit. All of those still compel me, every Friday as I prepare and every Saturday morning as I talk myself into putting on my gear and loading up my trailer. 

It's dark now when I leave and when I get home, and that's kind of painful. I counter that with the knowledge that I do have the good gear, that I can stay warm and dry, and it isn't about the money, but about the experience and how fulfilling it is. And every Saturday is still that, since that comes from within and I still carry that fullness no matter what happens. But I have lost some of the aspects that enriched it, and I am sad about that. 

I've lost sales. People don't want my hats that were banned for being only one word, that I drew on to embellish. They wanted the one-word versions for their simplicity and interpretive openness. So that $4000 of sales is just not going to materialize for me. And because (in my opinion) we are not advertising in the Emerald any more, I don't get the groups of students who come down every week...they just aren't coming. Even on the week of an away game, they're somewhere else. People who read the Weekly, if they see the ads and respond, are mostly already coming, and not new to town. Those kinds of things are hard to pin down, but my observations after so many Saturdays have always been pretty accurate for my experience. Yours, of course, may be different. 

I've lost some of my willingness to engage in fun. I don't feel safe enough to enjoy myself there, dress up in a silly costume (and I have a roomful of those) and laugh with others. I feel spied upon, oppressed and in danger of some more random attacks upon my being and my products. When will the next Notice of Concern be written, this time about some other thing that used to be okay? I feel targeted and harassed, and extremely DARVO-ed. I don't know who I can talk to without that undercurrent of examining every word I say in case it is misinterpreted or triangulated to hurt someone else. I'm skipping an entire weekend of Holiday Market because being bullied on Christmas Eve was so devastating for me last year. You couldn't pay me enough to repeat that. 

I won the haiku contest

I lost my loyalty to the organization in its present form. I still deeply believe it is my responsibility to bring forward the legacy of our history and the ideals of our founding generation and all of the members who have done so much to preserve and move us forward, together, and I will still do that to the best of my now-restricted ability to tell the truth about what is happening. I am not feeling supported by the present organization, and this has been working on me since 2022 and didn't end with my resignation from leadership in 2024 when I left my position and let the org know that I would not consent to being promoted by them, used in any way to help them do what I felt was unethical, and I would not engage with members or staff who did not treat me with respect. I stopped making and selling the merch and gave it away. I stopped attending meetings for a first-hand view of what was going on. I tried not to care. That didn't help me much. 

Occasionally I would still try to help, with history or my opinion or my advice or even my support for volunteers. That never got a positive response, but was met with false narratives ("only three people") and dismissal and more disrespect. So I don't try to help except by writing my reflections in here. And if you read many of these posts, you can hear me trying. Of course if you believe I am just "spewing negativity" you aren't reading them and maybe won't ever, as some people have told me. They've never been about one person and that is again, a false narrative spread to hurt me. 

But it was that loyalty that ironically got me a medal back in 2022 and got me Volunteer of the Year in 2023, and got me to here where I'm at risk of being kicked out. The medal had an edgy feel, as three of the most prominent leaders at the time got them, ( I think they were for Loyalty, Diligence and Excellence) right before we were, not gently, pushed out of leadership with the many methods that have been used against us. 

Pushing people out of leadership happens. If they aren't a good fit for the times, or are promoting things that aren't good for the market community, maybe they need encouragement to step away, which usually comes with voting, and none of us were up for any votes. We were the natural leaders who got there by accepting the responsibilities of shepherding the areas we were experts in. Now years later we are seeing the effects of losing that expertise, but that's another long post I won't likely be writing. 

That loyalty now makes me feel stupid. Was I loyal to an imaginary concept? To nostalgia? To my own role that I took so seriously? To our bylaws? To our founders? To my co-members, who depended on me? It was never about power for me, so I was always actively looking for younger and more energetic members to take over my duties, and ready to mentor. I had been trying to retire from leadership for a few years by then. But when I did resign, I intentionally did not make a big statement, because I could see how fragile things were and I wanted no part in destroying anything. And I still don't. 

I've held back from many of my options to be gentle and supportive while the volunteers and members struggle, and have only done this whistle-blowing out of my love for justice and truth, and my respect for the membership. Just know that if you are reading what I am saying, there is a lot I haven't said. There are quite a few people I would like to fight for. As a target myself, I don't want to make things worse for them. That feels intensely disloyal. So again, I am examining my loyalty and what it is really about. 

It's about my entire community, which is not confined to my market people or that organization. I've invested my life here and there are things that show, that I've co-created and sustained, like the Radar Angels, Jell-O Art Show, Slug Queens, parts of OCF, all the hundreds of groups and organizations and fundraisers that I've supported by making affordable t-shirts and donating to their causes, and all of that. I have given of myself to my town and the world, and done my best to live a good and productive life for everything around me. I personally have an amazing legacy of what I have built, including this kitchen I am writing from now. I'm proud of my growth and accomplishments, and grateful for the people who have helped me.

I used to think I was really selfish, so trained myself to be more generous. As my abundance increased, I found that easier. Still, I rarely put myself first, since as a daughter of the 1950's, I was not taught to do that. I have no problem supporting other people to put their needs first, but it's hard for me. 

But now, when I think about selling for the next four weeks outside, with the hand cramps in the cold, the physical effects on the next day, and the challenges of holding boundaries and watching my every word and action all day long, I'm seeing the benefits of just not going down there. I need the money, but the cost is bigger than the fees. All of us know how good it feels to turn over in bed and pull up the covers, or read quietly in the morning instead of gearing up and putting in that 12-hour day, so I know people would understand. It would be a loss, not just for me, if I didn't show up. Another empty space, another disappointed shopper, one fewer smiling face under a warm hat, won't amount to a lot, I tell myself. 

The balance has shifted. Everyone goes away sometime. That's what the downriver effects are of what has happened. I guess I will see how this week unfolds. It is going to be wet and cold, and all the pretty leaves will blow around and turn to mush in the gutters. I'm going out now to rake some up so those gutters will drain. We're in a changing climate. How are we responding? 

Freedom

 Upon reflection, I feel like the organization handed me a gift. Since I can no longer refer to that person in any identifiable way, they can just no longer exist for me.

That will be a huge relief.  

And once again, it didn't rain!

 Boy, yesterday the Cornhuskers really turned out! (The newsletter listed them as the Hukers. I hope they didn't see that. Proofread, people!)) I had fun telling a few that I was half-Nebraskan, since my mother grew up there. Those 8 pm games are wonderful for us. I wish that happened every week in football season. Sadly, the market booths were very thin in number and one person I spoke with even had a zero day. Yes I bought something from them! No one should be having a zero day at our market. 

We uplift each other. People said this to me several times throughout the day. That's who we are, working together for the success of all of us. That takes many forms and we used to be able to count on it. Even all the effort it takes to smile all day and thank people for coming has a rippling effect that benefits us all.

I heard from the organization and got the response I should have expected. What no one said is "we're so sorry you don't feel safe at market and you don't deserve this treatment...no one does." Yeah, I didn't expect that, so not surprising. We don't have a whistleblower policy and I haven't filed official complaints that would lead to any kind of formal process, since all of the letters I have written to the org about the situation have not been responded to, except by spin going out to the members to deny or lie about what my letters referred to. So I have not been encouraged about the processes available to me.

I've asked for ethical choices and haven't received any assurance that those were being considered. Of course I hope that behind the closed doors of the closed meetings and email threads (which are also closed meetings, and not public) ethical choices are at least being suggested. We do have some volunteers who are trying hard to do the right things. It hasn't been easy for them, or so I have observed.

I'm not sure yet what my response will be to the official emailed letter that came on a Friday night, ten days after the incident that prompted it. Just a suggestion in the future: members generally do not want to get problematic issues put on their minds on Friday nights. It's not respectful. 

I can read that the org is having to walk on a very thin line, evaluating legal advice and their few options. Probably any organization would be on that same line. It's not really their job to offer comfort or reassurance, though they could each do that privately I suppose. No one did, at least so far. I'm sure it was not easy to craft a letter to me about the complex issue. And I do not have an easily crafted response.

For the record, they didn't punish me, for being the target of bullying. They basically requested that I punish myself, and disregard my own ethics, and solve this gigantic problem myself without discussing it here. Be quiet, please. 

Well, we all know being quiet does not fix problems. But there are enough problems that I can speak about a few others while I process their request and examine my own options.

It seems that in America your free speech and human rights are only as deep as your pockets and ability to spend money to defend them. But you knew that already, I'm sure. That's one reason why we all work so hard to make a living, in case our rights are put in jeopardy. Elder abuse is real, disabled folks have to fight every damn day, and it's easy to see how hard it is for any marginalized group. I witnessed a shocking episode yesterday where someone leaving my booth in a wheelchair was so ignored by a bystander that they had to push their way through. They seemed possibly nonverbal but they knew their rights and observed that my booth was accessible, so they accessed it. But this person, who was oblivious, was obnoxious. It was disturbing. I try hard to make my booth accessible, and in an 8x8 space that is not easy. One reason the city wanted to remodel the Park Blocks was to improve accessibility and I learned that if they fixed one thing in that area, they would be required to fix all the things. That's why we aren't seeing partial fixes, though there was an effort to improve the sidewalks. But that's a long post for another time. I learned so much in that two years that we worked on the redesign. 

Yesterday I did work hard, and connected with my joy and all that, and it was a lovely fall day. A friend who used to work for market volunteered to set up the Kareng Fund booth as a nonprofit to amplify our work and collect donations. She did a fabulous job and we had fun discussing our lives, history and all of the things we love about the market. By the way, if any others of you who have the time and energy want to do that, we at the Kareng Fund would love the help. Most of us are actively selling and we can't run two booths. It makes a big difference when a human is there to speak about the fund and our important work. There will also be opportunities for that at the Holiday Market. My friend will be there on Oct. 31st also, so come say hi. You can also easily donate on our website, www.karengfund.org

So I got my HM invoice, and it shows I owe $25 which is an error, but I have been trying for an hour to access my portal to check on that, and despite the automatic systems, I can't get in. It doesn't show on my receipt issued Oct. 6th. It says for Oct. 7th, which you might remember was a Wednesday, so whatever it is, it's not correct. It happens to be the day I got the certified letters, though. Was I billed for that? That would be amusing. 

My invoice also shows I paid $80 less than I actually paid, as the corner tax does not show on the invoice. It's a redesigned invoice, so too bad they couldn't get that on it. I like records that are correct. 

It will be nice when they get the bugs worked out of the website. I was able to update my listing, so that part was working, and as promised, easy to use, with immediate results. I can now find the minutes that have been approved of both the board and Standards Committee, so that is useful.  

 It's also a big waste of staff time when we have to contact them in person for every little thing, and it feels like gatekeeping to me. Systems are designed so that not every detail needs to be handled one-on-one. Maybe that will happen in the future. 

 

 

 

New Hats and No Kings

 

Oh yeah, I heard from the board last night. 

Patterns

 People keep telling me they don't see the patterns. Here are some tips, though I can't cover it all in one post:

Watch what happens when you disagree. With anything, even a small thing. 

Put yourself outside the in-group and see how easy (or not) it is for you to get information, answers, or current policies. There is a gatekeeper and you have to ask permission for nearly everything now. That is a control tactic.

Observe meetings and their minutes. What is not being transparently shared? Look at the policies that are available. Most are not being updated. Minutes on the website stop at April. Standards minutes stop at June. The last election was run with an outdated elections policy and votes were disqualified because of it, for things that had been changed. 

Can you attend committee meetings? They are not confidential, but if the committee is doing business by email, that is a closed meeting. Nothing is published from those, so you won't even know about them. Can you sit in? Do you feel welcome? 

When you ask questions, do you get satisfactory answers? Are you notified about policy discussions that will affect your craft or business, before the policies are put in place? It used to be the practice to notify all of the jewelers when jewelry standard changes were proposed. Or all the hatmakers. Not after the decision was made.  

If you take minutes for a committee, are your minutes published as you wrote them? Are you pressured to leave things out that were discussed at the meeting? Our minutes used to be the main way we could keep up with all of the committees and what they were doing, so when things came to the Board, we would have background and could do research to assist us in forming opinions. It's good when there are lots of different opinions so that all aspects of decisions can be examined before policy is set. Those minutes are also the backbone of the archives, so future discussions can include what has come before.  

Compare your access to what was traditional before 2022. Are you pleased with the way the general culture has changed? 

Ask questions, and evaluate the answers for yourself. Were you given excuses, stonewalled, or distracted? Did you have to ask repeatedly? Did the temperature change in the interactions if you persisted? 

Are you being treated professionally when you represent your business? 

Do you ever feel watched, inappropriately photographed without your permission, or judged by whom you speak to or associate with? Do you feel safe?

What happens if your opinion is different from the majority? Do you get treated like a problem and get pressure to change your mind? 

Do you ever feel manipulated or controlled? Do you observe other members being manipulated or controlled? 

Do you observe and feel equal treatment among the rest of the membership? Do you see or feel favoritism?

What is your trust level as a member and as a business, in your workplace? I've been accused of stalking someone whom I have not spoken with in almost a year, and had a no-contact policy with for much longer than that. Are your boundaries respected? Mine have not been.

Check with your friends and neighbors. Do they seem to be having problems they are reluctant to talk about? Do they seem shamed or make excuses about it? Many of us have been taught to be people-pleasing and minimize our discomfort. Are they covering anger with depression? 

Have you experienced triangulation, where something you said to one person was spread and other people then confronted you about it? This isn't just simple gossip. Were false stories spread about you? Did people feel free to interpret your words without checking with you first? 

Do you feel like your vulnerabilities and disabilities are supported, or targeted? Can you expect a truly compassionate response when things get difficult? Do you feel pushed into losing your composure? Given impossible choices?

When you share your sales information with your friends, are they experiencing what you are? My sales are way down. I'm not seeing the droves of students who usually support my business. I can easily compare with data from past years for myself. Can we compare our financial info with past years? What are the trends the org is seeing? Where are the tracking practices we used in the recent past?

If you are identifying trends that you think are contributing to lower sales, are your suggestions for improvement being listened to? Do your tags on your posts get shared? Are you amplified or featured, in ways that you are pleased with? Do your ideas get shut down, or are you blocked from doing things as an independent member?  

How hard are you actually working to see the patterns? I had to do a lot of work to see the ways I was complicit, was being used or deceived, and acknowledge what my body was telling me when I was being manipulated or bullied. It can be subtle and tailored to your personality. I had to compare notes to see that there were patterns that repeated and were identifiable. I had to read a lot of books and articles I didn't want to read. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps the Score.

Bullying isn't acceptable and it is destructive to mental, emotional, and physical health. It is wrapped in denial and pressure to not make waves or be negative. Toxic positivity is real. 

Do you support my free speech and my right to have my own opinions? Are you okay with me being driven from the marketplace I have built and shepherded for 51 years for writing about my own experiences and those I have directly observed and have had reported to me (yes, in writing) ?

Do you feel a distance from all of this, like maybe it is theoretical or maybe not even true? 

Listen to yourself, and bring out your empathy and compassion. Don't just wait to be next, thinking it could never happen to you. I was an enabler for quite awhile until I started looking behind the curtain. I'm not proud of it. I've apologized to people and held myself accountable. Sadly, the past is done.

Would you like to create a better future? There are plenty of ways you can take part in that. 

 

 

Full Up

 So much to write about today. Market was so cold, then so hot, then so cold. I really really miss summer. And I miss tourists! There were some, but the less-than-full market rewarded at least me with dismal sales. But I did have the usual amount of inspiring, super-enjoyable conversations and so much laughter and food and reasons for joy. If you haven't tried the Basque cheesecake at Aida foods at the farmers' market, sure it isn't Dana's but it helps. And the Hedge Witch on our west block (usually) has shortbread cookies that are divine. Plus we have the new breads and treats from Huggen Kiss Bakery who always has a crowd. Dang, I just realized that my new pledge means I can't say any of their names either. I knew there was some mistake in making a concession. (I'll be sure to tell you if you ask me in person.)

One of the benefits of these emptier markets is that the shy people feel safer to engage. I have some customers and friends who won't come around when they see I am busy selling, which is of course respectful and proper, but I am always there to do a lot more than sell crafts. All of us are. Beth regularly reminded us and wrote essays on the subject of us being more than a market. The community gathering at the center of town carries a weight and gravity of its own and after this long, lives on its own terms. We are an agent of part of it, but not the whole, and not that important to a lot of people. I don't want the No Kings march to protect my income...I want it to protect my country and its people!  

When people don't have money, they are still welcome to come and see the entertainments, busking, and random things like the people with the pet possum who bought it a little tie-dyed shirt. I guess that member has a lot of stories about items sold to people who were buying them for unconventional purposes. Made me want to repost this odd photo from the archives. Yes, this happened. In the 70s. 

I want people to just come and visit, walk through, whatever they want to do. Play chess on the lawn, sing to me, show off your body art, come ask the sewists what to do with your reclaimed fabric from Aunt Lud. Whatever you want to do! It is your space too. 

Since a community gathering place was new, so many  people always came down for so many reasons. We've had every kind of animal I think, and still see parrots and lizards and kitties in strollers and all the kinds of dogs, and so, so many different and fascinating people. And this has continued to happen weekly for thousands of weeks now (30 x 57, roughly...more really since we used to sell in December there too.)

I always say that it is still different every week for me, always delightful in some ways, perplexing in others, and sometimes it takes awhile to process things. 

Like, someone told me no one believes what they heard about me. Why did I not ask them what that was? I know some of the things that have been said, and from observation of how it worked with others, I can certainly fill in some of the blanks.

Several women I know of a certain age were said to be doing things that indicated they were acting from some type of mental illness...they said unintelligible things,  had irritating habits, were irrational, or just spewing negativity like me. They sometimes needed help as has been offered, in setting up or moving things, but that help had a limit on it. 

Some people pay for help, and that's an option if I am disabled, like I was when I broke my wrist. I declined that help and just took October off (sadly, because it was probably the sunniest and busiest October ever) but there are lots of ways to ameliorate aging or disability or curtailing of membership and those things are now part of my plans. But I directly witnessed these personal attacks and it took me awhile to see that pattern and even longer to see it applied to me. It is presented as an endearing story, like the time I took a suitcase left on the sidewalk to the corner, not knowing the person had made threats about it. Fortunately it wasn't a bomb, but this continues to be used as a dig that portrays me as naive and gullible. Hey, I am, but you don't have to spread that. I am also smart, savvy and informed and educated. And good at pattern recognition! 

I'll repeat that no official actions have been taken against me, but the beatings will continue until morale improves, as narcissists always have to win, and bullying is a beast.

Bullies and narcissists isolate their victims, so they will be discouraged and embarrassed and won't seek help, but I sought plenty of help this week and I'm standing strong. I'm not the only person being bullied, and the pattern matters, with many people in our community trained to see patterns and even to act on them. Using the organization to bully is particularly egregious, so anyone doing that should think again. We are a mutual benefit nonprofit for the benefit of members...so we will stand up for each other (theoretically) if we are actually finding the facts and not a lot of confusing gaslighting and false narratives. As I've said, I tell the truth, so maybe other people are lying. Always a possibility. Consider your sources if you are hearing things about me...come ask me! I am approachable unless you have bullied me before, and maybe even then. I did develop a no-contact policy for people who bully me, so I may decline to speak to you, but then again, depends on your approach.

Don't violate my boundaries. I've been clear about them. I require professional, formal communications from my organization regarding my business and livelihood. Still waiting on those. Even the NoC did not come in the form it was supposed to, and while I tried to get out ahead of it with a letter to the committee, that didn't help me and I won't do that again. Over-explaining is one defense tactic bullied people often engage in, but it doesn't work, just provides the bully with more fuel. I reacted out of the stress, as it was calculated that I would do, right before OCF. My personal bully knows all about how to get to me. I put it all in here, since being vulnerable is part of my plan as a writer! They say you sit down at the keyboard and open a vein. I do that but didn't realize it would bring me more than I expected. Yup, naive. 

And again, if people haven't learned in the last few years, with all of the available information about these patterns, stand with the victims. If you are wrong, you can always shift your alliance, but first honor the oppressed person and look for the evidence. DARVO, in which bullies play the victim themselves, is a huge weapon used in these patterns, because a liar and manipulator finds it easy to do, and is usually skilled. Real victims often struggle through intimidation and fear, and don't know who to trust. But they will tell the truth if they feel safe. So help them feel safe. Stand next to them! 

Like for instance, people who have always greeted me in friendly ways didn't yesterday. So can I trust them to uphold my constitutional rights? Am I safe with them? The number of people I feel safe about at the market went down radically. Most of them were not there yesterday, but there is another factor in play...guilt by association. If I am being accused of something, that somehow extends to everyone I am seen talking to, which in any given Saturday is in the dozens to hundreds. 

So friends become reluctant to engage, just in case. Being isolated in the public square is particularly painful. I see some people new to town who don't know how lonely they look to me...because I have been there. I try to smile at everyone. I belong there. I have earned everything I gain from the  market through my hard work and dedication to the common good. So ask yourself who you are listening to, and what their motivations might be. Broaden your perspective. 

In response to what is going on, I checked my copy of the Bill of Rights. Sorry, USA, not that helpful. However, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is packed with articles and statements that I can use in my defense in the event of the legal actions that I was threatened with. I think I would win even if I wrote my defense myself. However, if any of my lawyer friends want to give me some guidance, I would be happy to listen. I was hoping a couple might stop by yesterday, but mostly I just had my market friends to commiserate with, some of whom are in the same position of being oppressed by authoritarian forces. I remembered that I even know some judges personally. I feel protected.  

But of course I thought about walking away. Even my membership is not worth giving up my human rights. Even if I had to live in my car I would be a writer. So there's that.

And, there is the public forum of the community we live in. I can access that at any time, and a free speech issue would be juicy and fun for everyone. I noticed a lot of letters in the RG this morning and a greater effort at transparency. There are members who are also ready to focus on that. Currently we have so much gatekeeping that you can't even secure a copy of our bylaws without asking someone in power for it. That can't be legal. 

I was advised to make sure every member sees those letters. I'm not quite ready to go there, but every member has a vested interest in that. Kicking me out would not go well. I'm just supposed to be threatened by it enough to shut up and hang my head in shame for speaking out so coherently. I don't think that is good for the community. We want transparency, accountability, safety and that old prosperity and fun for everyone. 

I know shame. I'm not feeling it. I'm vaguely uncomfortable about making any changes to my writing at all, but as I said, my duty of care is to the organization. We're all struggling enough to make a living right now. But next week is No Kings! Imma make some big signs. I hope my lawyer friends will stop by. 

 Joy, everyone! We have many tales yet to relate. 

 

Free Speech Rights

Well friends, I received a cease and desist letter this week, from an individual, not as an official action of my organization, but I have decided that to lessen pressure on my life, going forward I will double down on my duty of care for that organization and make sure that everything I write does not include name or title.

I honor free speech above a lot of things, and at this time in the big world, I would never give up my free speech rights for any reason. I hold those close to my heart as a human, and in fact, they are my human rights. But my duty of care has driven my professional life with this organization for 51 years and it is so very important to me. I have never desired to hurt the organization and as I've said many times, I do not want to fault volunteers who are doing their best.

While I did not receive any direct or professional communications from the organization at this point in time, I am drawing this line here as notice that they don't need to take any actions to limit me.

I'm still writing personal nonfiction on this tiny space of the internet and I will still be writing. You may not agree with my opinions but facts are facts and truth is truth. 

Rising to the moment is often difficult and we are in such a fractious atmosphere in this world. I want to make it clear that duty of care for all four of my membership organizations is vital to me. I also care deeply for my peace and my ability to finish out my life span in positive ways, as I have always tried to live. 

You can disregard my opinions, but there are no alternative facts. 

 

And Then We Die

 

Got a call from an old friend who is preparing her dying process...it was oddly such a life-affirming conversation thread we had, full of laughter and wonder. She has a shirt I made using art from my son at about age 5, and wore it and everyone on her care team wants one. Fortunately that is the last remaining box of shirts in my shop, shirts by my son. Just the right amount for her team. 

She has a form of dementia, called PCA, Posterior Cortical Atrophy, a terrifying and tragic form for an artist, where you lose your visual powers over time. She can no longer read or write, which is heartbreaking enough, but she is a painter among her many talents, and said she took a painting off the wall, saw her name on the back, but could not recognize it and had no understanding of it. It seems perplexing and her attitude is great, but she has been suffering for a very long time and some of her strength comes from taking control of the situation for herself. Brains...yikes. All those complex fold and neurons and then things start just decomposing. I did not know there are a dozen types of dementia...so many kinds. And you surely can get more than one at a time. Let's embrace the horror of that while we look at the yellowing leaves and birds flitting around the yard. 

It is not widely known but it is legal and screams Bodily Autonomy to know that VSED is a remedy that goes beyond Physician Assisted death. That stands for Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. It takes a care team and is not an easy choice, and it takes some time to work. I have heard of others who have used it. She is angry that no doctor told her about it and wants to amplify it, so I'm putting something on the back of the shirts for her. A lot of her life has been about fighting for rights, as she is in the LGBTQ++ community and has not had an easy time of it, but carved out a great life for herself and accomplished some amazing things. And now not just dignity but positive change by sharing her life and death.

She had a hellish time getting a diagnosis but finally went to OHSU and got the care she needed. Of course there is no treatment, just suffering, so she worked out her choice and set it in motion. She exhibits a lot of joy and that is the tone she is setting and shares with her team. The shirt is perfect for that. We're all delighted in the midst of grief.  

This kind of real facing of grief is such a relief for everyone, as you can then be free to talk about it all, the sorrow, what you will miss, what you are feeling, how much and in how many ways you love the person and what you have shared. You can tell jokes, and laugh, and she got me laughing about my own situations, which was a gift indeed. We weren't close friends, just worked together quite a bit in various roles, but the connection is now feeling very strong and though she lives in California, now I'm involved in her care team, and it's good for me.

It's cosmic too, as I have been talking so much about connecting with joy. Here comes the universe deepening my experience of that and helping me learn to live with less fear. Ironically the "fear less" hats are on my table to be printed this week. 

I'm not printing today though. It is a day to be outside, doing whatever. I am reading some terrific books and the ground birds are back, the Juncos, Spotted Towhees (or rufous-sided as I prefer still calling them) and some White-Crowned Sparrows, other more hidden types of sparrows (a Fox Sparrow I think) and I still have the Downies, the Bewick's and the Flickers plus all the regular birds. I asked her what her favorite bird was, and she said the Sandhill Cranes, which are migrating south right now, so I said I'd listen for them now and in the spring. She is planning all kinds of ways to let us know what she finds out in the next phase of her life, whatever it is, whatever she can. Free to fly.

Fear less, people. Love more. 

A Fun Outing for Art

 Wow, Clay Fest! I can't believe I went there for my first time yesterday. It has been happening a block away from me for years now. Market always dominates my weekend so hard I just never found the energy but yesterday I knew I had to visit a few of my friends over there.

It was so inspiring in every way except one. The skill level of these master ceramic artists is super high...and you will see them here in a show that the participants organized themselves. It's very thoughtful, inclusive, and welcoming. Participants are happy to volunteer because it is rewarding, and the community is supportive and open. The organization of paying at the central desk works well so people can just shop, and there were many dedicated shoppers. 

Also a lot of people talking about ceramics and art, as well as community building. It felt like it feels in my mind to sell at market.

But clearly, I am remembering a time in the past when our operations were well organized, thoughtful, and member-centered. I heard so many stories about how present management treated these artists when they tried to sell at market or Holiday Market, that I was embarrassed to say that I have been a market regular for 51 years. Not proud. I thought about Lotte a lot and how she would feel about where market is and what we need to do about it. 

I talked about Jell-O Art a bit, as that is what makes me feel like a Real Artist more than retailing my screenprinting. I had to go home and cry about my life where I prioritized work so hard I find myself running out of time to do actual art that is purely creation and self-expression. 

Instead I find myself defending myself against attacks after all this time every Saturday. So glad I have Jell-O and writing.

It was so affirming to find all of these wonderful artists and friends who love me and my work hanging out in another setting where again, I can be myself without guarding everything I say and do from predators.

And the gallery pieces and special pieces a lot of them made (shoutout to Luna and Sam) were incredible. I wish I had taken photos but I didn't have my phone. It sure was not all about mud yesterday, even though I did come home and transplant strawberries and get nice and dirty.

Perhaps a new phase of my life is opening up! Anyway I sure shook off my damage and have some new ways to keep it at bay.

Make it a point to go next year and be part of the wonderfulness of the arts community in our area. It is large and gorgeous.   

Edit to include these photos of the days when we had that  https://www.flickr.com/photos/eugenesaturdaymarket/albums/ 

 

Debates

 I have other things to do today outside but I liked this one thing a friend pointed out yesterday: The Varied Thrush, has a song with only one note.

  https://www.bird-sounds.net/varied-thrush/?type=song-1349

It's still a bird, and that's still a bird song. 

Not selling the banned hats was pretty hard on my bottom line yesterday. People choose those hats because they are simple and don't have a lot of design on them, so my hand-drawn additions didn't prove to be very popular, as expected. Tourists really like the Oregon hats because they don't cost $40 like the official merch from UO., just want a souvenir from their visit to Eugene. So not a great fix for me to spend that extra time. They would not sell better at $30, even though they are individually decorated one at a time, freehand. So every one has an additional cost to me. 

Whatever. I heard that I was welcome to sell them in other places. Well, Eugene hats don't go to Veneta, the only other place I sell. Geezer and Curmudgeon originated at OCF as companions for my shirts, so they will still sell, but Oregon hats don't sell out there either. Imagine sells. But my inventory with a retail value of $4200 will take quite a few years to sell at OCF. Maybe ten years. I can almost guarantee there will be some at my eventual estate sale after I am dead and gone. I've started giving them away.

Heard the statement "Nothing about us, without us" ? It was about disability rights, but it could also be applied to member rights. How is the Standards Committee allowed to have confidential operations? Closed meetings just mean only committee members and invited guests can be there. They are not confidential, which means nothing that is said can be shared with anyone for any reason. That is restricted by our bylaws and the law, for issues of personnel and legality (actually our bylaws say only personnel. Personnel is staff, not members.) So technically, no one at the meeting can talk to me about what was said there, including the Co-Chairs, and staff. Confidential is confidential. 

From the bylaws: Committee meetings shall be open to members of the corporation except when personnel matters are discussed.  That portion of the standards committee meeting devoted to the discussion of product acceptability may be conducted in closed session.  Staff's role in committees is only to assist each committee in the performance of its duties as mandated by the board of directors.  Staff shall not chair any committee or have voting privileges.

And fyi, email discussions are closed meetings. Interested members and the public are not included. Does anyone feel that a member's livelihood should be discussed without their knowledge and participation? Think about if it was you.

As the archivist, I don't even have a current copy of the bylaws (I have one from 2023) or access to a current P&P document. No one sends it to me for the archive (that's called gatekeeping, to make member documents inaccessible to members.)  Looks like from the Board packet they are going to change the bylaws to cover for actions they took against several (how many?) members in the past, as if that would make it all better. Nope. Those things were illegal then and they remain illegal. And now Standards Committee members are complicit in illegal processes, without their knowledge. 

And people wonder why we don't have more volunteers.  

Guess people think I should just move over to FSP to make my living. Now you know why so many of our members are selling over there. I had heard of many of the disputes that drove them over there, but I have a new perspective now.

Going over to Clay Fest! Then I will transplant strawberries, something that should make me happy.

Connect with your joy! 

 

Candidates

 The OCF election: I am not voting for incumbents. You make your own informed choice, please. 

Peace. 

Banned!

 Apparently. Still not completely clear. But presumably, if I sell them, my selling rights can be suspended immediately. Read your handbooks, people.

My arguments that they did not violate the text guideline were not responded to. I designed the Eugene and Oregon lettering myself, so those do not violate it, and I was not told if they are included in the ban or not, which I believe was limited to hats with one word on them. Not sure though! Did not get to see the complaint or even what it actually said. Even the Committee does not see the complaints, which have been declared confidential, in a new bending of our norms. So committee members are not allowed to talk to me about the actions, either. 

The retail value of my inventory of these five hats is $4000, sitting in my shop.  

The guideline reads: Text-Only Craft Items: Craft items whose decoration is text only may only be sold if the text is applied by the member using a craft technique and the text has been significantly enhanced by the member.
Text only work must be approved at a full committee meeting, not a Standards screening. 

I use several craft techniques to make my hats, as I over-explained to the committee in a letter in July. 

These hats were approved decades ago, in a decision that extended explicitly for the life of my continuous membership. Long before the text-only guideline was written. I'm still a member.

But their decisions are final, whatever they are.  

 

Running a Business

 People may not be aware that in the 80s and 90s I was running a solid large-ish business with my ex selling t-shirts all over the US, spurred by the Fish Tie T-shirt of 1985. It was wild. At one point we grossed a quarter-million in sales (in one year!) with multiple sales reps, employees, and all of the challenges. I had to learn how to be a professional manager, in all of the aspects, while I was also designing and printing my own things for market and Fair, carefully maintaining my craft business within the bigger one. I was in my thirties and forties and had the energy to do all that, and it took all the energy I had. 

I thought I successfully separated our business from my lack of expereince, but there was a lot of pressure and I made a good number of mistakes, ruined our Alaska business with my ignorance of how things worked, and struggled to learn how to have good relationships that included being a boss and then, being a parent. It eventually collapsed down to a one-person business again, and I paid off the debts and crammed the equipment into my house (the ex vacated and went on to his next phases) where it moved back and forth as I remodeled the bigger house over the span of 15 years, beginning in 1995. Sales at market tanked for me so I stopped doing Saturdays for awhile, got some jobs at 4J and had kind of a different expanded life as a single parent. It included a lot of therapy, some Re-Evaluation Counseling, (that's co-counseling using the teachings of Marshall Rosenburg,) and I studied Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication as well. I tried hard to fix what wasn't working in my life and with my work.

I really needed to learn how to love and advocate for myself and others and work out the damage from my childhood, which of course is a lifetime pursuit, and like the house remodel, is never really finished. Like the baseboards never installed and the things that now need to be rebuilt and repaired on my two houses, there is always maintenance and repair to do to my social skills and professional skills. I'm still educating myself on better ways to treat people and work with groups and be a good human. It's not something you finish and can rest about, as things keep changing. 

In my 51 years with the market, I worked with almost all the managers we had, about 20 of them. Gradually as we learned, we developed a set of professional policies and operations procedures to guide our members and our staff in doing justice to what was created for us to maintain and bring forward. It took a lot of us learning a lot of things and generally we did pretty well. During the years of Bill and Beth we built something very solid, predictable, fair and just, and profitable. Kim Still gave us a professional, excellent presentation and we advanced and thrived. 

And then we slipped a bit, but hired Kirsten and again had a professional manager who could supervise and motivate staff and members to act in professional ways with each other and the outside world, and the City, our landlord and the entity that allows us to be downtown. We went through two years of negotiation about the Park Blocks, while we learned in depth how the city works, how their staff has to function under the laws and restrictions of public service, and we held our own. The year 2019 was a stunning success for us, as we got recognition, support, and outlined our future. 

And then Kirsten found a better job, and we again stumbled, beset with the challenges of the pandemic, which she got us halfway through, leaving in summer 2021. The staff she left behind tried, but some of the core volunteers were retired and the hiring situation at that time was poor. They needed their leader. 

We ended up here, having done a series of bad hires that completely buried our efforts of the past and changed radically the ways we operate.

We members are business owners, independent, joining together for mutual benefit to create selling opportunities within the structure of the market. We expect to be treated with respect and allowed to grow professionally and operate ethically and in peace and justice every week. We used to be able to trust that our money was well-protected, spent sensibly and carefully, and all of what staff and members needed was going to be handled in a professional, respectful way so that we would not be in legal or physical distress while doing our selling together.

Not hiring a professionally skilled manager has had profound effects that are now our new normal, and it is distressing every week for those of us who have seen and experienced better. The amount of dysfunction and unprofessional behaviors has been severe. Communication is worse than poor, it is often toxic if it even gets done at all. Control tactics like triangulation, gatekeeping, manipulation and false narratives are used to keep us off kilter, threatened with punishment and confused about how to maintain our safety and profitability. Volunteers walked away in frustration, our institutional memory was intentionally destroyed, our board captured, and our elders sent away to the ice floes.

I know you think I am exaggerating but really, go look at the 2019 archives I put together in the hope that the Board would review them and get a taste of how good we can be under real management. They are in the office. There is a world of difference between that and what we have now.

We have always been and will always be limited by having untrained and unsupported volunteers in charge of things that require training, support and commitment to high levels of values and actions, but we have a program for training volunteers, never implemented by staff. We had onboarding procedures and plenty of staff training in place, we had work plans and data analysis and all of the skills to operate without hiring a lot of outside professionals or consulting lawyers. 

We had functional committees that knew their history and knew how to keep doing what was working well. Mary had put together a manual of exactly how Holiday Market needed to be done to work within the budget so costs could be kept affordable for our members. Fee raises were infrequent and minimal so no one would feel priced out or have to come and not make money. Promotions were effective and looked great, bringing forward our past while also celebrating what was new and the whole range of who we are at our best. Please, if you are in the power structure or dream about a better market, go into the office and look at 2019. Read some minutes and Board packets and see how things were handled. It was never perfect (I don't believe in perfection, actually) but wow, it was so good.

We cannot continue in the mode we find ourselves in. The power structure leads the way and when they are going off the path into the weeds or using poor management techniques or toxic behaviors, it becomes the way of the market and we all suffer that loss of mutual respect, the expectation of peace and justice, and fair treatment all around. I have literally, in all my 51 years, never seen it this bad. And I have seen it very bad.

If you are one of the current volunteers, you have my sympathy and I acknowledge that you are trying and intend to be doing your best. However, you need modeling, support, and leadership to do that, and you are getting misled and mismanaged. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings and you want to kick out at me but I am just the messenger from the full picture that you perhaps cannot see. 

We need professional, direct communication to fix this. We need an atmosphere where questions can be asked, honest answers given, and no hidden agendas, diabolical secret schemes and hateful targeting is being done. No defensiveness, no blaming others, no pretending to listen and stonewalling reforms can be tolerated. No manipulative techniques are acceptable. Would you accept this from your bank, your doctor, your corner store or in your family? Do you work in a job where you would accept unprofessional treatment? 

Every member should be asking themselves these hard questions and some of you should be seeing that this is the time you need to step up, run for the Board, and get us back on a professional track before our savings are gone, our members have left, and our halls and blocks are emptied. Our market is not invincible, in fact, it might be a lot easier to destroy than I ever would have believed. 

Read some books, take some classes, get some counseling if you don't know how to be professional in your professional life. And, when you are dealing with someone like me, or the many others of us who have gotten that training and education, give us the respect we deserve in the organization we built. 

I resigned from leadership for ethical reasons, but I am still a member and I still have those ethics and the benefit of our history and how hard it was to learn the hard lessons. Now it is your time to carry forward what we have all learned together about how this works. It's not a mystery. All of the history is available (just ask me) and all of the education you might want is out there, easy to get now with the internet, business development classes at LCC and UO, and support from everywhere to do better. 

Let's do better.  

You Can't Ruin Saturdays

 After a half century of studying the intersection of life at 8th and Oak, I can easily make this observation. I even remember a day when it rained 5 inches in 1981 (I think, as it was a very wet year that almost buried us) and there were 9 of us there underneath the overhang on the Butterfly wondering how we were going to pack our things up and get home. Apparently none of us watched the weather reports. And we must have been rather desperate for some income to unpack, if we even did. But we had each other and a bucket of laughs.

Booth fees back then were $3.50 and I remember a zero day when it was painful to pay that. Zero days still happen, but the payment is now $25 which generally becomes debt that can mount to make you ineligible to sell pretty quickly, even if you want to come back after that humbling day. Often you did nothing wrong to fail to sell anything. I don't know anyone who has never had a bad sales day and couldn't explain it. There is luck involved, weather of course, and some kinds of magic it is best not to examine too closely, but just allow to happen. Don't get in the way of the magic.

Early in my crafts career I recognized that money flows and the more you can trust that and relax, the more easily it can flow to you. I sometimes will go out and spend $20 just to get things going. The recipient might buy a cup of coffee or something else and that seller might buy another thing, or at least I have generated a small amount of goodwill to add to the cosmic quotient. This does not always require your cash, maybe just your attention, or the good mood your sales persona donned as you unloaded your booth that morning. I'm not saying it is easy, but I am nearly always smiling the whole day on the Park Blocks, as I am easily amused and people are so weird and mostly lovely.

We still have each other. That is our greatest strength, our ability to uplift the rest of our community in all of the ways we do it. Everything can be enjoyable, watching your neighbors make sales, hearing their little stories, or the times when the sun finally emerges from the fog and overcast of a day like yesterday. It got glorious and we gathered in the sunny spots and turned up our faces.

This will sound odd but yesterday I noticed the giant tree on the corner of the FSP as if for the first time. Yes, I am keeping an eye on my cognition as you would think I would have noticed it many times, and I have, but it is starting to turn colors and the sky was a lovely blue. There is one maple on the Oak Street perimeter of  the East Block that is usually the first to go red and will at some point carpet the sidewalks if we are lucky enough to see that before rains turn it all brown. It is going red.

When the City remodel plans came along, one of my special jobs was to advocate for some of the trees that were in line to be removed, including the giant magnolia on the West Block, near 8th, and others, some of which were indeed removed for "reasons," sometimes sadly because they were annoying for the boothholders and I expect the park maintenance crews. I am sure that before too long the excellent Honey Locust  that often blooms in slime green on the Slug Queen Coronation, and the American Elm on the East Block will have to go, if they are still there. I will have to check. It is harder to see what is gone unless you have treasured it while you did have it.

And there is my metaphor for this week. People in my cohort who have sold over the decades can see what is gone from our market, without getting distracted by the lovely improved farmers side. There was a particularly beautiful Elm on their site too, near the corner, too near the corner when the street went two-way. Turns out not everyone loves trees as much as they pretend to, because cars are dangerous. 

I'm not talking about physical infrastructure being lost, as little happened on the two southern blocks that was highly noticeable when the money was allocated to the northwest block to get something completed there. We got a few things, but kept the walls and most of the trees, and the fountain at least temporarily. We lost the coverings, which are still missed. But mostly, it wasn't physical changes for the last four years.

Now, if you could only see it, you would know that the members have lost our umbrella of rights and member participation that got us to here. Our committees have been stripped of independence and power unless they serve the diabolical aims of the narcissist, and we have a new category of offender, The Danger to the Market. This is any member that the narcissist can't dominate and control to her satisfaction, or use her more subtle techniques upon. Yes this is subjective, and the methods are there to be seen, but fly under the radar. That six month Code of Conduct revision is important in the erosion. So many things are deemed confidential and done in closed meetings that you will never find out the "evidence" or process, even if you ask and find one of the many people who don't actually know what confidentiality involves. Transparency is when you do things where other people can hear them, in open meetings, with the participants, who are told they will be discussed. We used to have even the most difficult conversations in open meetings, with the participants there to speak for themselves. That is gone.

First the false narratives are spread. I, of course, am old and ditzy and not to be believed, as I hate the market and this blog is just complaining and negativity. Many of us are old and ditzy. And yet in our other community roles, highly respected and not ditzy. Sure, quirky, but that quirk is the highly-sought-after-by-the-whole-region quality that brings people downtown on any given week. Ask anyone trying to promote anything in our town. 

A number of members have learned that something was said about them that caused them to lose their credibility, often a recounting of their words or behaviors that looked like some kind of mental illness...and then they are gently pushed out into retirement, or worked against until they are more violently removed. It hasn't always worked, but it has always been secretive. I was told I was an "egregious failure" for my decades of volunteering as an officer, in a post where there was a lot of manipulation of the truth after the manager was fired. You can't check on that, because history is buried by gatekeeping or revised by a barely true recounting by some "historian" who has been seduced into a web of false narratives. A public record exists, but you can't find it. 

One man has been accused of brandishing a gun that could have been used to shoot a crying baby! He denies it and no baby was actually involved...turns out we have a number of members who are licensed to carry. I mean, I don't really like the thought, but we are pretty vulnerable down there protected mainly by truth and magic. But he was accused and tried by the power of a lie and that is now in the public record without an opportunity to deny it. 

These false narratives are impossible to counter, are often put in writing, in the public record even, and with lies about character, if you protest, you look guilty. This is a common and transparent narcissist technique, rarely uncovered. Go read the transcript of that KLCC interview last December. You'll find out a lot of things that are patently untrue, or at minimum, reputation-destroying.

Our reputation in the community is solid about Saturdays being fun. Quirk increases in times of trouble, as people get confused and frightened. Why not be crazy, if they are already saying you are? Why not throw caution to the afternoon breeze? However, most of the targets are serious artisans who just want to make their living as they have been accustomed to do in the market we built together.

I am well aware that people do not want to believe or see these patterns destroying our organization and our community. Our membership is divided in two, for and against, though we are all pretty practiced at selling next to each other all day and avoiding the hard conversations and snarky remarks that come to mind. You wouldn't know from the outside how many people used to be friends and will never be again. You might not know who the targets are, who the enablers are, and who the main actors are. If you don't know much about narcissists, and have been turning off national politics out of your distress, you certainly don't want to believe that what is happening to us is similar. As in the national discourse, people don't feel safe talking about it. People shut down and tire of it all long before they get to the idea of helping to fix it. If you are not a target of a bully, you probably only see the charm they turn your way, and remember the time they pretended to be interested in you while gathering supply for their drama addiction. You have missed the thousand cuts some of us have felt deeply and continue to suffer. She did something nice for you and you failed to see it as favoritism, that was not available to the rest of us. You were just grateful that the rules were bent for you.     

But these false impressions do go out and are repeated and believed by the people who want to believe we have a charming manager who is doing her job, who don't think about whether or not lying and kicking out members and manipulating our community is in her job description. They don't notice if a few people leave or are forced out or stop being able to afford the sweeping fee increases. They won't notice if I am not at the first and last HM weekends this year...except the few who will decide I have finally died. Hey, I'm still healthy enough to last another few years anyway, though they might manage to throw out my craft, as it is also a Danger to Market apparently. 

Has anyone except media professionals noticed our promotions are crap? Yes, they have. An ad on the inside cover of Mom magazine is worth checking out, as a very sad photo of a lone musician turns out to be the narcissist's husband, who is apparently handy as the Fill-in-Guy, so when there is a gap in the entertainment schedule we get to further fund her family with our fees. Most of the posts of individual craft booths on social media fail to include the artisan's name, website link, or even their business name, which is a sad insult to the member who has worked so hard. I told them a few years ago not to promote me, so the guy with the camera doesn't even look at me for one of his dark photos. We are currently paying two people to do our promotions...you can judge for yourself if the rainbow is enuf.

It's a powerful rainbow, but it's cold and nasty under it, and it takes a lot of effort to prevail in any kind of unity and faith that we will survive this punishment era as a community of artists. We might get some of it back, if we get a new, dynamic staff that has imagination and skill and can craft a decent sentence and take an attractive photo. We need people who can carry the heart of empathy (not the performative kind of a drama addict) and keep in mind the values of equality, equity, fairness and justice that our organization was founded to put forth into the world. We can't survive the lies, the favoritism, nepotism, and greed that we are experiencing. We can't thrive in a fake reality that is shiny and like a Saturday looks from the outside. We live in the inside, where it used to be safe and warm.