Bullying caused the problems, and it has not gone away

 I have this one post that has over 5500 readers (or just hits) because it somehow went viral on FB. It was written in February 2020 which you will remember was just when the pandemic was beginning to be in the news a lot...so probably my title, Oh These Times, just makes people want to click when they see it. I mean, most of my posts get like 30 readers. If I post it on FB, sometimes a couple hundred. That was the only post that got even a thousand readers. It's a mystery of algorithms I guess.

It wasn't about the pandemic, which I was not aware of at the time. It was about me going to the OCF Board with a guideline change that tightened up the process of appointing a new Booth Rep for your privileged piece of the structure and mostly addressed the bullying that is regularly done by the power structure of the organization. It may not always be intentional, and I don't think it was meant to be by any Board members at that meeting, but that was also the beginning days of MAGIC and boy, did that turn out to be a bullying group, in my observation. Here's the link to the post https://divinetension.blogspot.com/2020/02/oh-these-times.html

 The particular meeting isn't all that significant at this point, or even the guideline change, because as we know the pandemic happened and we didn't occupy any booths in 2020, or 2021 either. And I stopped writing after someone who was bullying me excerpted that post and others to bully me with my words. I also stopped posting most of my links on FB, as I felt so vulnerable during the pandemic. It changed me to see how actually threatening we all are to each other. I pulled back in a lot of ways and don't think I've recovered much trust. The bullies just got more powerful and so much worse, despite the gifts we got of learning new ways to identify their tactics and band together to fight disinformation. There's been progress, but as far as movement at OCF, I would not say it has been progressive movement. We're still mostly in denial and obfuscation.

No one seems to be promoting an anti-bullying effort, except a whole bunch of people who are trying and then mostly drawing back as it continues. No one wants to be a target. No one feels like speaking their piece is actually limiting the power of the bullying group. The disinformation is churning out, all articulate and seemingly logical, and starting from way back with the early assumptions that are being held up as truth seems like a huge amount of emotional labor that few of the targeted are willing to continue to do. The bullies double down, as that is one thing they can be counted on to do. And they lie. And the fact that one or two of them comes from a place of deluded but well-meaning righteousness is not working to bring out any of the truth that has been long buried at this point. 

Multiple groups are working through the discussion process now and most of them are not getting anywhere. The whole existence of MAGIC has been to use strongarm tactics to force actions that are not progressive, not in the direction of more openness and transparency, just coming from a narrow agenda that lies underneath what's currently happening. It's white people wanting to be comfortable, and there's a toxic wrinkle of some people supporting a person I know as a criminal. 

Like many, I'm not really engaging. My views are perhaps known, and I have most definitely voted no on the removal action. I learned with my personal bully that engaging usually didn't help the situation. I saw them as having a PTSD reaction that they needed to navigate through when they sent angry messages, and felt that it was not my job or within my capabilities to help them with that. So I generally learned to disregard their words and messages and just operate as if they weren't in my life at all. 

Naturally my reactions made the problems worse, so my non-reactions did make the problem better, for me anyway, but the base issue of bullying within the membership has not been addressed at all. Some of us have just figured out who the main bullies are, and who are just their misled supporters. But they're very loud right now in their hope to ruin the career-long contributions of a Board member who is willing, as a white man, to make white people uncomfortable.

Hippies, while trying to free everyone, did come out of some of the liberation movements of the 60s but a lot of them stayed lost in the hippie delusions that wanting freedom was enough. The privileged among us got some freedom. For instance, back then there were lots of fixer-upper houses that could be bought for very little and many of us got them, fixed them up, and increased their value by factors of 10 and 20 times the investment. Lucky to have a Mom who advanced me the down payment I needed. Same for OCF spots. Back in the early 80s you could go carve a spot out of the brush and build a booth there. That added up to privilege. 

Lots of privilege comes from being in the right place at the right time, seizing some asset or position, and then holding onto it and increasing the value. Sure, hard work is applied, but being in that right place was key. That happened in the pandemic, too...people stepped into positions that opened up, and some people took advantage of the uncertainty and chaos of the pandemic to secure their "wealth." It was easy to rationalize and find excuses when we all felt like we could die from breathing. Still true, of course, but mostly not for the privileged. Or so they think anyway.

But hard things happen. My generation is dying off much more rapidly than it would have, and young people's apocalyptic future got immeasurably more horrific. I've said "I'm glad I'm old" way too many times. All this energy wasted on dividing people and domination games is just wrong. It's ruining what so many people have worked for all of their lives. Generations back, as well.

I don't have a good solution, either. Just figure it out, people. Think harder. Stop pushing so hard for your way, as the only right way. Chances are excellent that it is not the only right way.

Domination culture is white supremacy culture. We can't thrive under domination culture. Reduce it down. Winners mean losers. We're all losing so much on this course. 

Downtown Could Change, But How?

 Well, the attempt to regain my idealism didn't last long. I'm back to "We will never be able to make any progress" because so many are working against it. I feel naive about the training...even giving well-meaning white hippies tools does not mean things will come out level and plumb.

I'm sadly going to persist in chipping away at things, since I am not in the financial position that I can walk away from it yet. I'm nearing the end of my productive life but I am healthy and can expect to live for a couple more decades perhaps. I won't be able to sustain the amount of effort it takes to sell retail, at least not the way I'm currently doing it, but my social security doesn't even cover my utilities and property taxes, so I will need a lot of savings or a continued income stream. 

I suppose opportunities could develop for other sources of income besides screenprinting, and they will have to, but that isn't all that promising. Any product in another medium and technique set would require jurying and that might be hard. I know my current products would not score high and it's likely my vague plans to make silk scarves or paper or Jell-O items (all of those things are lightweight and much more portable) won't produce items that will sell as well as the ones I have now. But physics and that reality is going to come for me at some point. That's just inevitable.

That's one reason I have been so diligent about avoiding Covid. The things still being discovered about longterm damage and hidden damage in the body are compelling. My basic plan is not to have any accidents or develop any debilitating conditions. Pretty magical thinking.

I've been speculating a lot about the future of downtown with this latest push to move City Hall to the EWEB and it will be interesting to think about what opens up. The space they were going to use, at the north end of the farmers' block, would then be open and it's possibly a way toward getting the improvements on the southern block that we still need. If we had a bigger food circle space with an improved stage, we could fit in more flexible ways of selling food, such as carts and trucks that are more self-contained. It's the way things are going in the food industry and there aren't a lot of food businesses that can equip just an 8x8 or 10x8 plus fit in the people required to make a living in it. We do have some who have been able to do that, but it's a stretch and limits the number of food businesses we can attract. We also need the space for the intersection of entertainment and food, as we know that works well for us. 

The big stopgap of improving the blocks is what to do with us in the meantime. We saw with the farmers' pavilion that it takes longer and is more involved than slapping down some new concrete here and there. The design was throughly negotiated and is still useable for a few more years at least, and retains many of the things we value about how we are currently using the blocks. But the idea of moving to the Riverfront for a season or more leaves me cold...personally it would just be harder to get there, and I can't envision us in that space. There would be some stringing out along the pathways for sure, and would we really be able to draw our customers (and new ones) there? It's a big maybe.

But putting one block of booths at a time over on the northwest block, with some supplementation from Park Streets, seems doable to me. So half of us relocate for one season, while they do the east block, and the other half relocate the next year, while they do the west block. That seems workable, though not perfect. Other alternatives seem tougher...like using Broadway, which isn't really enough space for all of us, or that parking lot down the street which is bare of shade and doesn't have a durable enough surface to work for us. We'd still be in some compromised position behind the farmers, but not so much. 

Anyway I am planning to take a look at the space with that in mind and also cruise the Riverfront again and try to think positively about it. If the access from 5th St is adequately flat and navigable, it does solve the problem of biking under the bridge which prevents any access for me with my trailer. It's farther, but if it's flat I suppose I can go farther. I get anxious because I know I won't be biking to Market forever. But I'm going to do it as long as I can. It is physically easier than driving, believe it or not, because of the easier loading and unloading processes. I lift heavy things about half as much or less with the efficient way I've worked out. Lifting is going to be my main problem.

Today the City Council is discussing downtown priorities at noon so I'll be watching. I think I know what they will be, but it's always surprising in some way to watch the process of city government. I don't expect a direct mention of Saturday Market. We let them know we still need some improvements on the blocks, but those are not likely to make the top ten or so of projects the city wants to focus on. Those will be, I predict, safety and housing. We'll see soon though. If I get something to write about, I'll come back and put in a few more paragraphs.

Meanwhile, just mounting up my new year slowly. It's too cold to prune trees but I do have plenty to do indoors. Reading Cloud Cuckoo Land, which I like a lot, and watching Yellowstone (just season one so far) which may not hold my interest since it is so stereotypical and triggers memories of my silly adventure into the cowboy world back in the times before I landed here (mid-70s). I might write about it again someday, but it was short and awkward. I saw some real stuff though! 

Okay, going to watch the city meeting and finish all the tasks I started this morning. I thought I would print hats, but maybe some other day. 

I did watch the meeting and the Council, acting as the Urban Renewal Board, moved forward the plan to renew the funding for the Downtown Urban Renewal District. This just means instead of stopping collecting taxes into it for uses downtown, they will continue putting money in. They have to go through a lot of steps yet, but at some point there will be some millions of dollars available to spend on downtown projects. The top three priorities, as I expected, were Housing, Public Safety, and Social Services. That dropped commercial development off the list of top priorities, but they collected a lot of feedback and the Park Blocks rebuild is part of Public Safety, in that it is not as accessible for people experiencing disabilities as it should be. So there is some chance that at least some of the redesign might be brought back in a slow way over time. We'll know more as the process develops. 

It is interesting to read all of the many responses they collected in the public engagement process, which are repetitive and varied at the same time. There are a vast number of people who don't feel safe coming downtown and one thing Saturday Market can do is put some focus on presenting ourselves as safe in all the ways we know we are. We can also do our part to show up at other times to keep downtown populated with safe people doing regular things. It makes a difference. So next time you are downtown, maybe find a place to eat or shop or spend a bit of time to help create more safety by showing up. That's what's missing for a lot of people on days other than Saturday. 

You can find the presentation of the noon work session on the city website, along with the agenda which is 145 pages of data and comments, including a letter from me asking the city to keep some PB improvements on the table. There aren't many mentions of us there, specifically, though a lot of people are pleased with the Pavilion and want to see more things like it. A remodel of our space would please people too. I think we should take another look at it, as a long range plan, and open our minds to some solution for our main objection to it: we can't risk losing our livelihoods while it happens. There has to be an elegant solution for that.

Getting Myself Ready

Unattributed...I wish I could draw this well...

   I attended my first DEI training last night. In the interest in protecting safe space I won't identify the circumstances or participants, and I will try hard to just focus on the things about it that I need to process. I'm feeling like I can't do the work I planned for today until I download some of these emotions here...I already journaled for over an hour about it but this format challenges me to put it into more of an essay form, with things like hypotheses and conclusions and I generally get some personal discovery in the process too. Three of the last four posts I wrote ended up being titled "Finding..." something which I didn't do intentionally and is lazy but often the titles come last after I see where my writing took me. 

I was afraid to go...I listed my fears and most were silly...like that I would be kicked out, that I would have to declare that I am racist in the core, that I would say completely foolish things and prove to everyone I am a fool...but what happened was not anticipated and I am glad about that. I didn't want it to be an experience where I didn't move forward in some way. I didn't have a plan for that motion, just tried to go in and be brave. So I kept my camera on but told myself it would probably not be that many people. It was many more than I expected. 

I have complicated relationships with quite a few of them. We've worked together, I've served them in various ways, I've disagreed with them in various ways, and had confrontations with a small number of them in disagreement that we have not processed. I didn't think about that, being focused on the learning opportunity. I just didn't know what exactly I would be learning.

I missed the first of this three-part workshop, but that covered the basics which I hope I have a pretty good grasp of from all of the reading I have done in the last few years. This part turned out to be visioning, and essentially, unifying toward a common goal. It was a group of leaders...and I am not really in a leadership position in the structure, though I do lead. As I mentioned in one of the breakout sessions, what I do is lead from the middle, as I characterize it. I tend to do it in all of my groups by the way I approach the tasks I choose to do and the ways I support group process. This supports my needs to feel safe and to belong and has worked well most of the time. I'm an avoider and do not do well in confrontation or direct conflict-processing, which is a place I plan to work and learn, but when I am more or less guiding a group in a direction I think it needs to go, I have an openness to where that ends up, and it serves me to keep my goals to myself sometimes so other people can bring theirs. So I mostly focus on recording what happens (taking notes) and providing that written resource for the benefit of the progress we all make together.

When I take notes at a workshop like this, I keep a column on the left where I put my emotional observations and responses so they don't overwhelm me. I was only taking notes for my own benefit, but as the ways things were framed was going to be useful to me, I wrote everything down for later. The column on the left turned out to be a life-saver. My emotional responses surprised me and took a lot of my attention. I had trouble focusing on the content of the workshop. Because it was a gathering of leaders who have specific roles, and I don't have that role myself, I had to spend some time deciding which of my roles I would work within. It was interesting to sort through them and find a place for myself. There was some transformation going on for me that I had not expected and was not prepared for. I stumbled into it. I'm still not comfortable there.

I didn't want to make any of it about me, but my overwhelming feelings were that I did not belong there and was not welcome. That was so useful to feel...that is what marginalized people feel all the damn time. I am not marginalized, really...I'm an old white lady who sells a popular product and has a lot of skills for which I am rewarded in many ways. I've built myself what I would call a privileged life on the foundations of a privileged life as a member of a dominant culture. I've surrounded myself with people who are from that culture and we've banded together to carve ourselves out a physical space where we have a lot of freedom and latitude to be ourselves. It's not mainstream, but it looks a lot like it. I've been able to be lazy about most DEI goals. I care about them, but they're mostly not about me. But this was.

Of course in my case some large amount of it was projection. Nobody was glaring at me or dissing me in any way. One person was super friendly (so of course I felt manipulated...I'm not very trusting sometimes) but things settled out as we focused on the tasks and I did my running commentary about my feelings. I did turn off my camera after the first breakout session as I was shaking and triggered and needed to calm down. Zooms can be intimate as we look into each others' homes and are big heads on each other's screens. I was able to turn it back on by reminding myself that I was just one of a lot of little heads most of the time and I was distracting myself from the work I was there to do. The presenter wanted us to see each other.

So I stumbled along trying to refine my vision and answer the challenges from the presenter and set my feelings off to the left for later. I identified what I call some of my catholic things...will I be forgiven for my trespasses, am I guilty of all of the possible sins people might be assuming (or correct about) from the recent or deeper past, am I, myself, forgiving? One of the things listed as ways to reach the welcoming attitude we all aspire to was to turn judgement into curiosity. Another was to allow for non-closure, accept it. Not everything is going to be neatly wrapped up and pretty forevermore. Some of the damage we cause each other is lasting, and I cannot believe that I am immune from causing damage to others. A lot of things have happened while we have not been working together in person that are in between us when we first meet again. But there we were, working together, which I deeply believe is how we do our best, so at some point I realized that I was, by my presence there, re-committing to my work, to my complex relationships, and to my leadership such as it is. I was easing into a healing process. 

I'm still hesitant about it. My idealism hasn't recovered and divisive things, and bullying actions, are still happening and still possible. I do not have trust relationships with some people and might not regain them. Maybe I don't want to...maybe I'm safer if I don't trust everyone in the room. But maybe we can work together despite that...if we share a vision, and if it is a one we have for the common good.

And, at baseline, we do. We were being asked to identify that vision and then refine it into specific actions and strategies to work for it. We weren't expected to do it all at once...it is a long term project. What I finally did do was default to the vision that I have been working toward for decades...I call it ending the Us vs. Them. As soon as I mentioned it in a breakout group, we all agreed we had seen the gaps in reaching that. We had slightly different versions of it, but it is real, and it still persists despite the work I have done to diminish it, and really it is the core of DEI itself. Some people are perceived as others, either "below us" or "above us" and "we" see ourselves as a particular group that is either marginalized or burdened by the marginalized. We're not unified in working toward a common vision. We're not trusting that others share our vision that we are a bit afraid to believe in ourselves. 

Is it realistic? Is it improvable? Are we under the weight of a broken idealism that wasn't reality to begin with? Why haven't the things we've been doing worked better? My focus has been education...encouraging others to see the resources available and see others as available to help us access them, and not out to get in the way of our personal goals, which are often selfish ones.

It's certainly complicated by our roles but I return to the thing that spurred me to volunteer way back probably 15 years ago. I'd been volunteering in my other groups for my whole life here...fairly consistently. I'd been critical of lots of people for not being available as resources to me...but as I wrote the complaining letter that I didn't send, it boiled down to realizing that I didn't feel seen, and that was because I wasn't showing myself. I wasn't pitching in and bringing my skills. So I volunteered to take minutes and began a long and varied commitment to the pitching in of being a part of a flawed yet powerful group.

I'm still cynical and wary and hurt and loyal to others who are still hurt, but I can't sit forever in that place, and I can't just walk away. So I have opened the door. Probably only a person or two will even notice. I doubt my absence was noted, as I doubt my presence last night was noted. I'm glad I haven't burned too many bridges as I struggled through everything, and much of it is still in motion so this is a tenuous hold I have here. But it was a transformation. 

The work is transformational. It scares us because it is so essential and it can be a rollercoaster. All of the parts, ugly and lovely, have to happen because it starts with the individual, and that is me. 

Next is the interpersonal. I saw allies for me in that group, along with the people that I project hate me (that self-aggrandizing, because they probably don't care about me enough to hate me.) But I feel like I might be able to reach for that common vision when we do meet again and have our first interaction after shunning each other while we figured it all out. We don't have to all like each other. We just have to work together. We can learn to be more forgiving, more comfortable, more committed, and claw back a little of that unrealistic idealism that has fueled us to get this far. 

I feel like I can, and must, do this. I'm not afraid of ugliness, and I've gained a lot of strength in the last few years to call out things like bullying and all the many ways we oppress each other instead of supporting each other while we heal and walk forward. It's worth doing. I have missed my idealism. I long to buy back in, wary and with some limits, to a bigger vision for our community and our world. 

Just saying...I'm the one who asked for the logo with the Diversity Equity and Inclusion around the outside. The t-shirts I made said "Transforming the ****." I still want that. I want to move my dial from the cynical end to the idealistic end, just a notch or two at a time. I know it is a path fraught with pain and suffering but also that damn, elusive joy. I just have to choose that. I will carry a piece of it for you. Next time we see each other, let me slip it into your pocket. It can be a secret if you aren't ready.

Finding a Few Words

 Got almost a week of almost complete silence and enjoyed it too much. Could do another week. Watched a lot of birds and read some books. Did some cleaning. Will probably get back into the shop today to get organized for working again.

Thought a lot about the Jell-O Art Show and the archiving but didn't get started. Really tried to have a real vacation without the constant work. It was nice enough to get started on the pruning so I have sticks all over the yard, but in the places where I put them, not like after the storm. That was a lot of wind. I feel like I need to make the apple tree a lot lighter so if it does blow down, maybe it won't do a lot of damage. Usually the strongest winds come from the south, which is blocked by the shop, one reason I think that tree has lasted so long. The shade is so important to keeping the house and yard cool in summer, I'd hate to lose it completely, but it's probably a hundred by now. Still gives decent apples when the squirrels don't eat all the blossoms and buds first. 

I've gotten a lot more willing to prune radically as my trees age. I can see how they do better with shorter limbs and airier, less dense crowns. My rule is I want to be able to reach all of it with the pole pruner so I don't have to hire anyone to do my yardwork yet. It's my fun to wander around the yard making things less chaotic here and there. Still like to leave a lot of cover for birds and possums but with the number of dogs on my block I'm about the only habitat left. I spend a lot of time watching the backyard. 

The Stellar's Jays are amusing. I saw one tuck some seeds into a branch and then cover them with a bit of moss. I think they all watch each other hiding seeds and then raid the caches...chickadees probably hide the most. When the seed feeder gets low they go into overdrive. My theory is that the squirrels can smell the hidden seeds but the birds all watch the squirrels and follow them around for the bits they drop. Lots of hungry wildlife, but I'm not seeing evidence of rats for a change. Maybe that's the good side of having lots of dogs around. 

Still feeling immersed in silence, so not a lot to report. Not a lot of energy for picking up my various responsibilities so I'll probably continue dragging my feet. On the last can of cat food though and I haven't figured out what all I need to print for inventory. It's a bit too wet and cold to dye bags, but I still have to fit in the laundry on any day that even looks dry. I put it out, it gets less damp, and I bring it in to finish off. I would still never buy another dryer. I hope I never stop trying to consume less and subvert that dominant paradigm. The whole season of buying leaves me cold and while I also try to sell things, I have reached an uneasy settled place with that, for the time being anyway. I'm very grateful to have a way to make money that is working. 

Still, the Friday night before the first Saturday off, I dreamt about trying to get to Market. I had some kind of funky pushcart more like a luggage rack and I kept thinking of more things I needed to take. I never made it downtown. There was snow, a hilly terrain, and it was in some strange city. Also I am usually looking for a functional bathroom in so many of my dreams. I realized today that probably all of the semi-functional bathrooms in my memory are dream images. I can't imagine what house I would have been in with a non-functional toilet...that seems impossible. Plus I have only been in a house or two in the last many years. I remember my Mom had an often-told dream that her toilet overflowed all down her sweeping marble staircase into her opulent entryway. I think it was her way of telling herself that she never really wanted that dream house...as it turned out she lived over 60 years in what was her first and only real house of her marriage. I guess that is kind of turning out true for me, too, although I have lived in both houses on my property and built most of this one, so maybe closer to my dream. 

I think she loved her house, but when it came time to turn it into her old-age security, she didn't complain. I tried not to, as I didn't go back and help with the liquidation. I knew I would want much more than was good for me to bring home and the best way to remain unattached was to let it all get sold or given away to other people. I have very clear memories of that house and some of them are not that pleasant anyway, so I don't need to feel attached. I'm also shocked to find out there was a covenant on the deed...we lived in a restricted neighborhood. Delaware style, though...it was owned by an Italian Catholic man who bought the land and developed it in the mid-1940s. I suppose he was just "punching down" by excluding Black people, since in other locations Catholics were also not as human as other humans (here in Eugene, for instance) but it's disturbing that it was right there on the deed and my Dad signed off on it. Probably Mr. Paoletti also had to sign off on it when he bought it whenever that was. It was 1956 when we bought the house, which had been built by the previous owner. It was semi-rural then and I loved the neighborhood and roamed freely as a kid. I knew the area was segregated, but of course was not aware of the reality, that it wasn't by choice, and that violence was close to the surface of it. Delaware did not secede but it was primarily southern in the colonial era, and there was plenty of Jim Crow. And one of the last lynchings, very near my house. None of which entered my grade-school consciousness.

I simply did not look for any challenges to my worldview until I emerged from the cocoon of tree-climbing and wild-roaming childhood. I remember I joined the Job's Daughters because my friend was in it and my Dad was a Mason. They didn't admit Catholics (and we were, via my mother, though my Dad was not religious) but they let me in since I could play the piano and they needed someone to play for the secret services. I don't think the little girls were actually let in on any of the secrets. I wasn't anyway, and I didn't stay long. I know I understood that it wasn't okay to exclude Catholics and I was certainly aware of Civil Rights and the many movements, but not deeply. It was a safe and protected life of privilege, mostly characterized by striving to rise into the upper classes who lived around us and who were among my school friends. I knew I didn't belong, but I developed a superiority anyway, maybe in defensiveness. It centered around being smart, and nothing else. I was not good-looking with my buck teeth and weird hair so I never realized I had an attractiveness, and didn't use that for my purposes of being better than. Just smart. I had a high IQ, but not that high. I'm no genius. I still struggle with that humbleness though...that early programming is in really deep. I hope I show off less. I hope my inability to reach my potential has humanized me. I hope I can shake it long enough to accomplish a few things on my list though...a few more of my goals. Strike some kind of balance of being grateful enough for what I've been given and lucky to get, and what I need to give back. 

That's my goal, I guess, a balance. Nothing too amazing, just some kind of ordinary accomplishments. Maybe I'll start on some of them today. Or maybe I'll take just one more day of vacation and silence. It has been satisfying. I want more. Too bad I never got the woods that was supposed to surround my dream house, but I'm glad I have a good enough imagination to feel like I'm in it when I look out my windows.

Finding a Visionary Leader

 Today will be the last set-up for Holiday Market this year, and then we wrap up the season and pin up a new calendar. Of course most of the work continues but I'm excited about closing the box on this year's archives. It was a hellish year that I don't even want to remember most of. Ripples are still spreading.

I did get a moment last Sunday when Shannon gave medals to me, Colleen, and Teresa. Many volunteers had already gotten certificates of appreciation...mine says I'm Master of Everything. My medal is for Loyalty. I feel seen. If there was ever a time when I had to call on all my skills and experience to keep moving forward, this summer and fall were it. I tried hard to be in my body as the cheers and smiles told me I really was appreciated, right or wrong. I wanted the recognition, but like so many things, I also wanted to defer and act like it was nothing. I didn't do those things for praise. I did them out of my duty of care, and my duty of loyalty. I had to do them, to my mind. But not everyone would rise to those challenges, it is true. Many times I wanted to bail. Many times I let someone else pick up the biggest rocks and I just pushed from behind. I don't like being out front (unless properly costumed, I guess.)

Some of it was shocking betrayal. Working with a lot of trust is naive but hard to stop...it has usually been so beneficial to extend trust and be rewarded with dedication but life is more complicated than that. So many people carry so much damage, and the strongest, most wounded ones seem to have unending power to drag people into their pain. Compassion is stretchy but some people really test the notion that it should always be extended. Our community is generally not that good at shunning offenders and I am in particular super reliant on avoidance to get through things...of course it eventually forces confrontation in a community as intimate as ours. Holiday Market is the place and time where we all have to do our assessments and it's usually a bad idea to chew on things like resolution over the long dark winter. 

But some things...I don't know. The person who sets up next to me on the PB won't speak to me, I guess because he maybe had to overhear some of the shit that was flying about during our hardest times. My opinions were strong and while I tried hard to maintain propriety, others did not seem to understand how much would have to remain more or less hidden. People choose their loyalties and sometimes that is based on individual people. I am more deeply into a type of loyalty that is not about anyone, just about the legacy and survival of our organization and what we all and those who worked before us, have built. I know how it feels when things are going well and I know what has to happen when it isn't.

I was saying that to Colleen after we got our medals. Shannon tried to trick us both into showing up by telling me to prepare a speech for Colleen, and telling her she had to be there to see me get one. I wanted a medal...and my little proud girl knew I had earned one, so I had a little glimmer of desire that I would be honored. But I tried to focus on what to say about Colleen, and be humble. Most of my reflections were about the things she could do and ways she is that are so unlike me: her ability to strategize, to make nice and be friendly to everyone, her ethical standards and great memory. I'm a lot more conditional in my operational self. But I didn't want to speak about myself...just her. 

So I had a whole list in my mind of what she has done for Market...but I forgot most of it. I meant to say that she has mastered a craft we aren't all aware of: group decision-making. Meeting process, making good policy, and doing it with inclusivity, are things she makes look easy and she brings them to every meeting, committee and task force she serves on. Service is what it's about. If she has a strong agenda, she sets it aside as the process unfolds (perhaps that is a goal and not always possible) and she accepts the outcome as gracefully as possible while planning the next steps. We're both committed to building consensus...it's kind of sacred to me, actually, even when I hate the results and sometimes the doing of it, but in a collection of equal members there really is no space for authoritarians and process is how they are controlled. One authoritarian can sure bind up the whole structure, though, and most people won't even see what is happening or know what to do about it. Volunteers often need a rest from carrying their parts, and when authoritarians offer that, we sometimes don't see that our rest was really a concession and we can't get our pieces of the load back. We get forced out, however gently. And our gentle acquiescence to power enables our destruction. I've seen it up close far too much. 

I have enough self-awareness to examine my own need for control and authority, and maybe I hide behind my lack of a vote at the Board level. I enjoy not having to take a position most of the time. I can be graceful about being on the "losing side" of process because it isn't binary. More developments might nudge things back the way I would prefer them. It was humbling to be alone in my opinions a few times this year. Maybe it was the missing consultation with Colleen that allowed me to go out on those limbs. We used to have many long conversations where we kind of landed together on what we thought was ethical, proper or best on various levels, and we haven't done much of that as her time went elsewhere from Market business. I have some pretty strong rules on how to bring out the truth when it can't be clearly stated in public. I believe in the truth coming out...sometimes it takes awhile, but I'm always going to tell it. Sometimes I am so wedded to it I don't think about who I'm telling it to and what might happen when they repeat it. It's the truth though, and it must come out.

Some people are more willing to let a dishonest situation take the place of the truth. It's not that easy to separate them, and we've all seen the power of disinformation. But I'm not here for that. I prefer the narrative nonfiction, the well-told story of what really happened, and that's one reason I will continue to struggle through the archiving, and probably why I enjoy keeping the minutes. I suppose I occasionally commit lies of omission...I'll carefully frame things. I might record them for posterity but just slip them into the archives among the published versions. After a certain amount of time their power to damage is diminished, so if it's in writing, it needs to persist. I may want to include some narrative in some of the archives, for when the strict facts don't explain what came after. But I am decidedly letting 2022 age before I will fully document it. I don't take betrayal lightly. 

And the compassion kicks in, of course. Mean people are in a lot of pain and their loss and deprivation make them do those things. I get that. I've done plenty of things in my lifetime that are not very forgivable, and can't be taken back. I like to think I would try, though. So I'm weighing the idea of talking to my neighbor now, so we can mellow out over the winter, in an intentional way. I'm not moving to another space, and while I wish he would, that wouldn't get us speaking to each other. It's going to take one of us extending a hand. 

He would be one of the easier hands to extend on my list. I don't enjoy having enemies. I'd like to move forward unencumbered. I doubt I'm important enough to have people lying in wait to prey on me again. It's far more joyful to feel settled and I'm hoping for a lot of joy this winter. I need it.

I was watching Craft in America and realized there is one life goal I have not really honored, and that is to be a Real Artist. By that I mean having a warm and cozy studio where I just explore my whims and media and go wherever that takes me, without a thought for production or sales or any rules. That has been the whole world of my Jell-O Art and though I'm less interested in that, I still want to be in that space and flow and to build on that energy. I think my way forward this winter will be writing. I'm getting the sense that I must use those skills now, in this decade, before they start to molder into regret. The archives can be my discipline, but I can reward myself for that work with pleasure writing. 

I don't have to show it to anyone, though a few people have told me they love this blog and want me to continue writing it. It can be a companion to the pleasure pieces, for sure. It will always be useful to have drafts of essays and stories to draw on if I do start to find my skills diminished. My Mom's book came to fruition only in her 90s when I took it on as a project, and I could get someone to do that for me I expect, if my material is good and useful enough. First I have to put in the time to get the words in place.

So that is my plan, and now you know all about me. Before I finish this, though, I do have to talk about one more person, Teresa, who also got a medal. Hers was for Dedication. I wanted to give her a special award, as she says she is stepping back from Standards for at least a year. Teresa has been the mainstay of Standards pretty much from the beginning. She's so thorough and good at it that she has gotten stuck with leading the committee and holding up the flag for too long, but like me, I don't think she really wants to retire. I think she's super sensitive and wants to make sure she is valued in the right ways and seen as she is at her best. Standards is a particularly delicate part of what we do, defining handcrafting and keeping us different from all the many other "vending" opportunities that have developed alongside us as we do our work so beautifully. Technology and commercial processes have eroded the handcrafted niche quite a lot and it's hard to hold on to it. Most people think it doesn't matter. But our high standards for handcrafting sit next to our open standards for participation and that balance is everything sometimes. We are the incubator for artisans and we hold the master crafters as well. We need both. At least a few people have to understand how to protect that balance and how to keep us intact as we're literally surrounded by people selling things made in all kinds of ways that don't really involve one person's hands and heart and don't really promote and protect our legacy. Teresa had that well in hand in her heart and mind and I have always treasured her in that position in our community. It has not been easy for her to fight for that, but I'm here to say there won't be another person that dedicated. She is truly precious to me, and we all benefit from her gifts of time and effort. 

It's so often about a vision of the best that we can be. We didn't lose that, this summer, but only because we had enough people who shared it to keep it in the front of all that happened. We know when things are going well, and we know what to do when they aren't. We have our visionary leaders. It takes one to know one. 

And they need our thanks, and our support. It sets this year off so nicely to end it with all the many ways our visionaries have been honored and thanked. Somehow through it all, we got our visionary leadership. It wasn't just one person...it was all of us. It's like a big group hug. And now we have two more days to acknowledge it, treasure it, and put it in a comfy quilt for a bit so we can bring it back out in April for the whole world to feel. I hope to do my part.  

Making the End of the Park Blocks Season Feel Good

 Decisive weather today. We got lucky yesterday and there was really only one shower, around 2:00, and no wind. I thought the booth turnout was pretty good, and I made very good sales. I had a few nice interactions and some fantastic customer appreciation. Several young people attending their first markets were so thrilled that we exist. I wish we were going to be there next week for their next visit, but I admit I'm enjoying the little mini-vacation prospect of a Saturday off next week. In all these years, they are quite precious. I'll probably waste it cleaning my house or something.

Wish I would have thought to say goodbye to more people and get more stuff at the farmers' market. I get so wrapped up in responding to customers and watching the clock until I can go home that I sometimes forget to be there now. I lingered at the end though. A couple of guys were doing capoeira  and playing berimbaus so I enjoyed that novelty that comes from empty spaces and being in a public park. I wanted to thank them but I was the last person on the block so I just went home.

My little start on a fundraising campaign (still unofficial) went well...I sold $173 of the Market logo bags and hats. I'm paying 50% to Market, something I put into place a few weeks ago. I ran my thoughts by our interim GM. I know we can't go full-on right now with so much to do for HM, but I can do my part and it will matter.

I've been selling logo bags for at least a decade and just keeping them the same price as the ones sold at the Info booth, just the flat bags. They started at $5 which was basically cost and during the 50th I put a rainbow blend of ink on them...the 50th logo didn't translate well to the bags but the ink's beauty kept them selling. I got the price up to $10 when the bag price went up a bit and that printing required a lot more attention, wasted ink, and time. They sold great at $10 but with the new design, it just wasn't enough for them to be the cheapest bag...I want to know people really want it out of all the products I sell, not just as the least expensive bag option they can find in a pinch.

I redesigned the logo last spring. I did my own version without a plan for it, just to give myself something to print I will enjoy. It's better than the 50th logo and appealing in a new way. I drew my tools in it, my squeegee and rulers and pens and stuff...an idea which I had long ago and just found a bit too hard to draw. I had planned to draw everyone's tools...including a ukelele and other things to represent craftsmanship. Never got that far. I like to draw flowers. But the basket of flowers and tools in rainbowey blends is quite pretty, and now with the addition of the full-size bags in black and dyed colors, as well as the new hand-colored hats, I have a pretty successful and attractive line of fundraising merch!

I put my small bags up to $15 with the rest of my small bags, although the Info booth still has theirs at $10. They've gone from a convenience to a fundraising device. I'm pleased with the results. Over the years since 2019 when we did a lot of logo products throughout the Market (well, maybe nine or ten) the idea has evolved. Not all the logo products sold that well. We all kept the money we made and just paid our 10% on it, and until the pandemic, that was a good arrangement. Market didn't need any extra money...we were generating a sufficient amount to do what we needed to do. Or so we thought anyway.

Frankly, the pandemic kicked a big hole in our sufficiency to a degree that we are not really aware of in all of its aspects. We were closed for 10 weeks, sold at 50% capacity for a season and a half, and have still not restored our composting, garbage-sorting and durable flatware programs, among other things. Our advertising budget was cut in half and is not restored yet. Our staffing losses were profound and except for a couple of site crew, we have completely new staff. It took awhile, but we have good, solid staffing now and are feeling like we are going in the right direction, and are more-or-less back on track. We still don't know quite where we are, having lost a lot of our tracking options during the transition. On my list to restore are the weekly census of member numbers, and all the other ways we tracked ourselves.. I have a fairly long list of what I want to restore...for one thing, I want to go back to volunteering fewer hours and working to replace myself. Of course I do that at the same time as making myself indispensable, because I'm just thorough and interested in having everything running well. There's a level of ownership that I'm going to have to let go of at some point, but I'll get there.

Almost doubling the size of the Holiday Market was a calculated risk and it's going to take another year to make it really work, but I do think it was the right thing to do. There aren't events like it any more, extended, consistent offerings indoors during the challenging weather of the late fall and early winter. We thrive in there...it's comfortable, safe, and warm. Attracting new members is the key. That means a lot of time getting them signed up, oriented, and into the basket of our community. We don't always do our best at making ourselves easy to understand or enter into. Myths persist. But we're worth the effort.

All of us in the basket is a metaphor from our beloved former GM, Beth Little. It's a beautiful way to encompass our attitude toward our members and mission. We want to have abundance for all of us, to keep us together, to keep us contained within our vessel as we traverse the world of retail and human interaction. I have loved trying to interpret it over the years. I have hated it. We've used it since 1981 I think. We don't change things that easily. The basket and a rainbow...that's kind of us. Shiny in the rain.

My idea for the fundraising campaign, if we agree to start one, is for other artists to interpret the basket themselves, in their style of creativity. We've got a lot of strong illustrators in the Market right now. It's an open metaphor that could allow for a lot of variation, and still be recognizable. A basket of baby animals? A basket of foods? A lot of people like using bones and artifacts from nature...I can see a gothic treatment, even a macabre one...or a basket of stars and planets. I've got plenty of ideas.

Not every logo treatment will sell, and I have mine right out front now and they're really the nicest items I sell. I've made literally thousands of dollars on them since 2019, especially in the last few weeks. People are quite thrilled to wear Saturday Market hats to show their support (and I guess coolness? Who knows?) I give away a fair number of bags to people who buy multiple items or just need a bag...it floors people to get a free canvas bag, even when they are obviously flawed, with spots on them or crooked prints. They are so appreciative. It turns out people really like showing their support for Saturday Market. 

So I am convinced we need a fundraising campaign, a web page and a donation button on our official page, and a clean, simple approach to showing us at our best in a way that can be easily supported for people who don't live here, who have come once and long to return, for people who just want to see us continue to operate, grow and improve, and for ourselves as well. We love to support Saturday Market. Many of us would support it more if it were easier, and everyone likes to show their support or get something in return. So I made t-shirts too, despite my efforts to get farther away from retailing t-shirts. There's a wide variety as I had a lot of random shirts left over from the fundraising campaign where I learned how to do this.

James Bateman and Crystalyn Frank get the credit for showing me how it is done. James is a genius designer who has been working for various orgs including OCF for decades. He knows his way around a website and has a great sense of what will sell, and how to sell it. Crystalyn gets the credit for making it all possible. One of her responses to the pandemic and drastic loss of income for OCF was to get this campaign mounted and functioning for the two years the event could not be held. She brought the right people together and made it an earth-shaking Fair in the Clouds effort that was sadly thrown out with the bathwater, but it stands as an accomplishment that all of us who worked on it know intimately. It was ground-breaking and highly successful. I got the chance to step up and design and print many of the things we sold in 2021 and felt like it was probably one of my greatest artistic achievements in a 50-plus year creative career. I felt so very good about it.

Because apparently, I like making money from my art, but I like it twice as much when it benefits the whole community. I love seeing those Fair in the Clouds shirts on people and I love it every time I sell one of these Saturday Market basket hats or bags. It's so sweet to interact with the lovely people who are spreading my joy around the world. It fits so well with how I see myself as I enter legacy territory and begin to leave worker-bee territory. I'm not going to live forever (neither are you, surprise...) and I want to be pleasantly remembered. Not as that awkward person who doesn't know how to ask for permission or make things happen in human relations. Not as that messy-house person who went to drive my little-used car this week and thought the temp gauge was showing an empty gas tank...oh well, I have a full tank now. Not as that earnest biker who is lucky when I'm not run over on my slow way home.

I know I can't control how I leave this world or how I am remembered. I try to do good when I can, not to please any deity but so I can counter those moments when I just hate myself and everything about my life. They don't come that often but they do go down to the bottom of my soul as I bring up all the things I've stuffed down in a long and awkward life. Self-hatred is the biggest thing in many of our lives, many of our struggles. We hold ourselves to high standards. For me, it is rare that I actually feel fantastic about anything, much less about anything I have done or said.

But when I was printing the aqua bags this week they were so beautiful to me, I went and got every aqua shirt in my piles and printed them up. The warm pink and yellow and peach inks just thrilled me. I have to mark these moments to remind myself that I have them, since so many of my work moments are just kind of resentful and bored, after screenprinting for so many decades. I ruin a hat and toss it aside in disgust. I procrastinate even going out into the shop and despair at how to extricate myself from my stuff and my properties at some future point. That archive project just defeats me every time I think about it. I don't want anyone else to write the book about Saturday Market, but maybe I don't really want to be the person who writes it. I'm chewing on that.

But when it comes to filling the basket for the Saturday Market community, I tuck my self-hatred in behind it for a minute and put in some lovely, graceful things that I am proud of. I hope you all enjoy them.

And once again, I am not really going to ask for permission. It's launched. It's no secret. You are welcome to climb into the basket with me, and join in the joy of giving. Let me know if you have a problem with it. We can work that out.

It counters the way we are all engaging in the holiday consumerism that is on our plates big time at Holiday Market. Let's buy ourselves our durables program back with our efforts. Let's buy ourselves a DEI training and a program to increase our inclusiveness. Let's grow together and leave something meaningful behind. It's roomy in this basket! Come on in.

Finding that Equity Lens

 Foggy this morning so I guess I won't get out there and weed right away. I do plan to spend the day outside and let my thoughts and feelings sort themselves out in silence. 

Met my neighbor's new dog last night and realize I am the only house on this side of the block without a dog. I think there are now 9 in only 5 households. No wonder all the squirrels live in my yard. I think I'm the only one feeding birds now too, so I get a lot of great birds, but also all the cats. At least one of them is belled. As much as I would like to make friends with the cats, I have to chase them off. There are some baby squirrels right now. Seems late and they're scurrying to gather leaves and make nests everywhere. They're cute...but they can't all live with me.

Yesterday at the Park Blocks we had many many Cedar Waxwings. Although they are beautiful to see, they love eating laurel berries and the booths across from me, under a cedar tree, were just covered with purple fragments. One canopy was probably destroyed by them and will never be white again...but what can you do? I wish I would have thought to offer a cloth to throw over it, which might have helped a little. You don't expect to have to bring a cover for your cover. I was out of the fall line just barely, but it was still a hard day, even with bright birds to admire/resent.

There were also lots of people and some were dressed up. It made for some fun. I always am sorry I didn't go to more trouble. I was the apocalyptic vision of my future as a crafter. It says "HOW may I help you?" on the back because obviously if you are at Walmart, you need help. And we're gonna force it on you.

We all need help. I've been obsessing over my Board Educational Minute on Equity and of course I have an hour's worth of things to say at least. I'm consulting the hive mind on FB about it and actually it's helpful. It's about planting a seed so the next time I mention the word in the context of a policy, people will know what I am talking about, or will do some research of their own on how the organization is dealing with our equity issues.

I'm hopeful that we can get to it to a degree. We've been putting out fires for a year and a half so we haven't had the luxury of much reflection time, but several of the things that happened touched on DEI issues. We have them...sexism, racism, ableism, otherism, cultural appropriation, intolerance, microaggressions, pretty much all the things on the pyramid of racism and tenets of white supremacy graphics, but we don't address any of them directly as a rule so I am just assuming some or most of us are not aware of them. We've been lucky as far as I know to not have a lot of overt ism situations, but for sure they come up.

It's well established that hippie origins like those of the Market bring along white supremacy culture in structure and policies. Because at least one of our founders was not a hippie, and in fact escaped Nazi Germany, we built in a bit of awareness of equality, but a lot has changed in 53 years and we have not done any deep looks into what our assumptions lead us to. I know we tend to listen to the people at the table, who are essentially a self-selected group of people who have time to volunteer, and while there is an age range, that may or may not help. Younger people who grew up with more awareness of multiple cultures and didn't necessarily have hippie roots might know a lot more than I think they do, but I haven't seen a lot of my hard-core feminism operating in recent times. I know I am not middle-of-the-road in that aspect. I have to struggle to allow men some slack and while there are a couple of men I admire in my circles, it's never a given. I want to get myself somewhere in a genderless thought space where I never think in binary terms, as that might help my perspective. I mean, "not all women" either. 

The hive mind is reminding me that it could be possible to bypass all the ways I want to task my org with the faults I have observed and imagine what progress might look like. Not a self-congratulatory minute saying what we're doing right, but some way to convey what an equitable process would look like, so we can make a bit of an immediate shift. Because I know we don't have any funds for a professional training, as much as it would be useful, and we don't have time for any difficult conversations unless I form a focus group or something, which would likely attract more people who want to do the work, rather than those who need to do it. But if they ask me to do that, I probably will, as typically committees are the way we have the type of protracted discussions we need on all the many subjects. 

I'm going to have to make every word count. I figure I will ask for something easy to remember, which is to use an "equity lens" when we make policy. We can try that right away and in the process, figure out what that feels like. Obviously if I start with anything dramatic like saying I am a racist raised in a white supremacy culture they will likely fall easily into degrees of denial or acknowledgement, and that could actually allow a few others to feel that we are the same page in our process, but we need to work on a lot more issues than racism. So I think I will make an attempt to talk about how we all use privilege, without thinking about it. 

As individual member businesses, we are set up to think mostly about how our needs must be met, as we can easily opt out if that isn't happening. The guy next to me packed up an hour early yesterday and I worked hard on what to say about it. I wasn't able to talk to him directly, but I know I was cold when he tried to say goodbye. Fortunately the person he was sharing with stayed, so after he left I thanked her for staying and said a little about how it is our group agreement to stay open, for each other. She already agreed with me. I stopped myself from the full lecture. Increasingly I feel that it is not my job to police the other members, and it is detrimental if I do it. I'm already set up to be the cranky old lady who upholds tradition and uses an abundance of ownership to impose my will on everyone else. I'm not going to be that lady if I can help it. I mean, I FEEL ownership, but that is my privilege speaking there, as I benefit from my participation in many ways and need to do the work of limiting that and working for equity, myself!

So, a work in progress for sure, and I hope to put my editing skills to work to create a dynamic and memorable few minutes that will be useful to everyone in the zoom room. I have a couple of days. I will let my much-appreciated right brain ruminate on this while I get outside and do some weeding, because yay, the sun came out! But do let me know if you have something to add to my quest of the day. I signed up for this minute over a year ago and sure don't want to waste it. This old world has got to change.