August Days are Full of Memories

Last night instead of passing out in exhaustion (thanks to cold brew) I watched a PBS show that was mostly testimonies from the actual survivors of the atomic blasts of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Hibakusha, who were teens and children at the time of that horrific, unimaginable destructive force unleashed by liars who said they had no idea about radiation poisoning, and offered no treatment, just occupation and silencing, after the fact. I made myself watch it twice.

I felt that witnessing in that small way was the least I could do for these people and their descendants, who banded together to try to make sure no one else suffered in those ways, as well as the tens of thousands who were obliterated immediately or afterwards, in such horrible ways. Of course war brings so many ways to suffer that we mostly tune out as hard as we can to continue to live in this world where people can treat other people with such inhumanity. I tried and failed to read a long article about Gaza and the Palestinian genocide.

Dehumanizing others is the way it must be done, as we have all observed with the many targets of the war machines we all pay for and accommodate but have little influence upon. We see it growing and cower and just hope it stays as far away from us as possible. I'll always push myself to at least witness their truth whenever it is offered. Presently the wave of lynchings across the US has been coming to the surface, equally horrifying on a different scale, which brings the question of how we can scale and compare atrocities as a way to compartmentalize them and stay out from under the crushing weight of knowing people like us (or even little like us) can prey on other people.

Just makes aversion and escape seem more necessary, carving out safe spaces so we can imagine peace. For a short time, mostly. I try to protect Sundays for that for myself but can't always succeed. 

This was not a typical week and I got very little work done. I was expecting roofers on Tuesday so I spent about a week moving things out of their potential workspace, as I knew there would be some heavy use and unexpected damage that I could only hope to minimize. I marked and widened paths through the gardens and put fences around certain plants, and just eliminated as much yard clutter as I could. Everything went very well, with a new roof and a new skylight that even closes with a battery switch instead of me having to climb up there and put a sheet over it in the heat waves. Squirrels would try to steal the sheets so I also had to take bricks up to weigh it down. 

No more! I won't even have to do any moss abatement for a few years and it was a pleasure to see the workers use modern, improved materials and apply techniques I had no idea about when I shingled that roof in 1996 (they saved me the plywood scrap Richard and I signed and dated.) There was some damage from moisture so they had to replace some plywood and there was a chewed spot where the rats got in, as well as many other issues on my old, over 110 years now, house. I was thrilled to find out I enjoyed leaving it to the professionals, so I am hoping some of the other projects I have been putting  on my same old list for years can be similarly released to people who will do a better job, much faster, than I will ever be able to complete them. It took me two weeks to do the shingling back then, with a hammer...and a lot of help on the sheathing and construction from my friend Richard, who led me through the rebuild that took me 15 years. I could carry about three shingles up the ladder at a time. 

I'm so glad I had that life experience, which I have grown to see so differently over the years, realizing what a gift he gave me in not telling me I couldn't do it. I had no skills or tools but a lot of persistence and foolhardiness that let me learn so much. I doubt I'll ever write those two books about the work, that I started a few times, but I have the photos and the research and whomever inherits this house will get the benefit of those. 

I suppose if I live long enough I will complete those writing projects. Like the roof, things get more daunting over time and I have to embrace telling myself no about so many things now. Things across a broad spectrum of experience and awareness. Life never ceases to present challenges that were never imagined. 

Speaking of Imagine, it turns out that I have exactly one hat, that one, that fits what I think was the Standards objection to my hats. There hasn't been any resolution yet to that situation, just me feeling bad at market every week since, as was probably the object of the harassment. I'll probably never know, as the complaints are anonymous and communications from the committee have not been clear so far. Maybe whatever resolution they come to will be clear, but I'm not expecting that. The question still remains if people will go booth to booth and ferret out every product which potentially does not comply with some revised guideline or other, even if sold for decades by some committed member like me. They are not receiving good guidance on this practice, obviously. Moving the goalposts to put someone out of compliance does not constitute good shepherding of a membership organization or any kind of event or organization at all. New guidelines are applied going forward, not looking backward. You'll care when it happens to you.

My dear friend Luna, who made the beautiful watercolor art for the HM poster and promotions this year, came back after two weeks gone and saw the postcard for the first time. Staff failed to send her a final proof before they sent things to the printer and she had a harsh day weighing how to handle that mangling of her art piece she worked so hard on. The fact that they don't pay the artists anything (you get a free Guidebook ad) does not sit well when they don't do a professional job that enhances your career, as that is basically the benefit you are supposed to get. When you're not proud to show the pieces and put them in your portfolio, which you are building your art career on, it is sad. 

I know how that feels as I have made a few inadequately skilled pieces in my past, which will never really feel well done, including the OCF poster and a few t-shirt failures in the past, but all of the inadequacies were absolutely my fault and I was always treated professionally by everyone who used them or got the revised products or just accepted what they got and made the best of the situation. I know in detail how many objects I have made over time that could have been done better, including almost every aspect of this house, as I am just a learn-as-you-go person, which has good in it but also a lot of compromise. Improvising with the best knowledge and skills you have at the time gets things done, but it can be reckless. All the noise on the roof and the shaking of things in here just made me remember how I didn't tamp down the gravel in my work site as well as I should have. Gravity and the weight of materials is an example of a universal law you really can't get around, at least in the physical world. Just one of many I have fretted about in my own life. She, however, deserved better. Excuses were given but there won't be any ways to correct the damage. 

As we couldn't get around the smoke intrusions last week. Thankfully the market was not cancelled and Saturday was fine, clear and breezy and not that hot, except in the sun which is burning and relentless. The climate emergency is always a topic of conversation now, though we still don't do much about it. Not everyone is willing to do without a car or air conditioning. 

I did finally go visit my podiatrist, which I'd been putting off while dealing with my wrists and other issues, and as I had hoped, he insisted that I should not be just enduring foot pain. With a couple of small things he gave me an almost pain-free day on my feet yesterday for the first time all season and I was walking with delight. Something to mark and protect. It was my limiting factor. It isn't going to go away, but there are ways to be less limited and he was great. He reminded me that there are not many women my age who would do what I do with such capability and persistence. I need to hear that...I tend to minimize myself and my accomplishments, but of course I am amazing. Not the only amazing person, but just someone who could be a little prouder of myself.

I'm getting so much better at boundary issues and speaking up for my rights. It doesn't change the persistent dynamic of being preyed upon by a narcissist, and her enablers, but it takes away their effectiveness. It isn't upsetting anymore. It's still a fact, but now I can work to help others deal with it instead of being defeated by it, and laugh at the escalating tactics that are so predictable as part of the pattern. They look so ridiculous in their posturing as powerful people, when they have extracted all of their power from others, attempting to destroy what was built in order to put their gilded palaces on top of it. Like the Hibakusha, I won't be silenced, though I may suffer. Evil doesn't get to win.  

It may look like it is winning for awhile, but it's important to keep hold of the belief that truth and justice are always working hard. Done by the good humans, who outnumber the predators.