When Things Look Terrible, the Sun Still Comes Out Eventually

Yes, I waded back into the Members site as I decided I couldn't let someone bullying me take my voice. Since I have been constantly bullied for at least ten years I don't know why I still expect to not have it directed at me. It's a trauma thing...I keep thinking the trauma is in the past and connected with only a few individuals, but in reality I think it is a fact of life that people will bully me.

I was once told by someone trying to be kind, in his way, that I "wore humiliation." It was shocking but I've grown to accept that I am easy to humiliate, very trusting, and always expect positive experiences. So, not very realistic. I prefer to retain that trust and naivete, but it leaves me vulnerable. I don't really want to harden myself at this point in my life, but the world is just so harsh right now. I find myself feeling that I will die in a prison and all hope is lost...this is just a high degree of empathy for the people in El Salvador whose crime was having tattoos or not-white enough skin, and I am safe from that here in my kitchen, but I still feel that death sentence. I'm wondering how people without my privilege handle it without just actually dying. I feel like my heart would just stop if that happened to me.

That's a pretty extreme degree of fear, so I guess the news is working on me. I've chosen to sell on Saturday instead of rallying, despite the fact that it probably won't be a good sales day. I haven't really had any income since December (except my SS, and I'm afraid to look and see if I'm still getting it, and Jell-O shirts, which were break-even.) But I have money...I'm afraid I won't continue to have it, but I'm not broke. I'll still be triggered all day I expect, and glared at by people who don't like me, but I have been unpopular at Market before and it usually wears off over the season.

I do still have that deep loyalty to Market, despite hating everything that has transpired in the last year or two, and most of the people making those things happen. It's not particularly rational, just feelings. That's one reason I've tried to stay out of it, as I can't add anything helpful, it seems. I tried being a moderating influence but got roundly trashed for that, so I won't do that again. I know some people appreciated it, but that didn't really matter, the bullies still won. Most of the little progress made in the last few months will likely be unraveled at the Board meeting and possibly a bigger mess created. I don't know why anyone would want to volunteer if they got a clear view of all of the nuanced campaigns that are being waged in this power struggle. Anyone just trying to be helpful or maintain justice will be swept away in the deluge of false narratives and high emotions, or at least that is my prediction.

It's possible some justice will prevail, and I know a few people will fight for that, but it's gone off into the deep end and probably will flounder around for more months. I'm not planning to engage with any of it. I have a big order of shirts coming in Thursday and will just see if I can physically handle that and selling every Saturday, and whatever I can do to assist in the political world situation, which is far more threatening than the messy problems of Market. 

I'm going to turn 75 in the midst of everything, and I doubt I will want to celebrate. Maybe I'll sit on the deck in the sun if I can. For some reason of his own my son is not communicating, and I miss him, but that is up to him and whatever he needs. I don't feel close to anyone right now, which is okay, but when people talk about community and how important it will be, I get anxious. I don't trust anyone to care about me...this is the effect of bullying old people. They descend into isolation and start believing they are worthless and in the way.

I know on some level I am fighting that...I shared a Jell-O Art post today and I still have to write that glowing post about the other artists and the gallery show itself, which I do hope to do. I still have this place to write what I want and it doesn't really matter if no one reads it, I feel better when I write. I know I have a couple of readers who do love me, and that warms me up, so I can keep trying to articulate things and sort through my perspectives to make things make sense.

I'm sure it's true that action is healing so I'll so what I can. I plan to make a sign for Saturday if I can think of something that won't be added to the list of why other market members hate me, and I will probably give away or sell cheaply some bandanas and hats for people walking through before or after the rally. I wanted to make something political but I can't feel inspired with all the dysfunction pressing on me. Words seem weak. I'm guessing I will feel better after Market, though, once I prove to myself that I can do it and people want me there. Even when I feel bad I know that is still true.

Guessing I am not the only depressed person today. I suppose I would want to encourage them, so i should encourage myself. I'll get out in the shop. Having a full inventory always makes me feel satisfied. My wrist seems fine, or anyway my hands are not any more stiff than they were before I broke it. The sun coming out in a couple of days will help, and it won't rain on Saturday, so I don't have to agonize about that. As Vi would say, All will be well. I'm sure she still says that now and again.