Home improvement

I don't look very alert or happy. Maybe resigned. Colleen wanted to record this DIY arrangement that I dreamed up. Willy tied it together for me and it worked okay but the La-Z-Boy chair lent by Tom and Pamela works much much better and is way more comfortable. I don't have a picture but take it from me, I am so much more alert and happy now.

Probably still look pitiful. I'm gradually coming out of denial over this pickle I am in. I looked at pictures on the internet of people who don't follow the doctor's instructions and I will not be one of those people. It seems stoic and noble to push oneself to resume working asap but in this case it would be foolish if I start putting weight on the bones before they are fully healed. I'm sure I will be making enough stupid mistakes to convince myself to avoid making any informed ones. No putting the foot on the ground. Until like June.

People are helping me and I truly appreciate each and every one. I am getting lessons in gratitude and openness and positive framing. Nancy caught several of my self-deprecating statements and that is a habit I have to lose. I can't limit myself with that stuff right now. I have to be the best I can be.

I am scheming on ways I can work with assistance, though, and I think I will be able to meet commitments in April (most of them anyway) by asking people to give me an hour or two helping me print and manage the orders and maybe I can even manage the Market with some type of booth-sharing arrangement. It's ironic that I was just beginning to work on ideas for making things easier for aging vendors. The Market is actually stellar at making things easier for those who are temporarily or permanently disabled. They have wheelchairs and other types of chairs for people to use at HM and in the office. Members can always appeal to the Board for special arrangements for whatever they need. The Kareng Fund gives grants and also is putting together a resource packet for those who need to access already existing resources like Senior and Disabled Services, etc. I need that kind of a packet, actually. Maybe in the next few weeks while I try to access services I will be able to help put that together as I go.

I don't want to miss any meetings but I will. I always trust that good decisions will be made in my absence as they have for years while I was not doing Saturdays or involving myself other than selling at HM. I know that I am just a small piece of the big group that makes things happen, and I know it will all happen without me just fine. That's a little hard on my ego but I get a laugh out of that. I admit the hardest part is just feeling out of the loop. Everybody likes to feel important.

Apparently the issues I need to work the most on are judgment (of myself and others) and worthiness...I need to allow myself to feel worthy of other people's efforts. I don't want to be any trouble to anyone. Even my Mom lectured me on that; let people help me and show their love. It is mean to deny them that. It's selfish to isolate and turn people away.

So: immediate needs? None really. I could probably use some advice about ways to protect myself regarding the surgery...emotionally and physically. It's so invasive and traumatic and the painkillers have a masking effect on that. The bit of counselling I got from Jan helped a lot, just to cry and let go of my guilt and shame around it. I'm going to contact River about tinctures of whatever. I'm kind of uninformed about that stuff. With the lap desk I can do a lot more without getting up but I see the heat from my laptop is making the covering come loose. It looks like wood but is contact paper I guess. Might just be a temporary solution. Maybe I'm not supposed to work. I could entertain that notion.

I have lots of food and things I can throw in the microwave but if someone wanted to donate me some Genesis juice, I'd drink it. I'm having a hard time asking people to buy me things; it's just not my style. I like to pay my own way, which is impossible. I was already broke and am going to mount up some impressive debt thanks to my $5000 deductible. I'm dreaming of a $10,000 advance on my book about the house. Maybe we can all envision that.

I still want to pull my weight. I still want to be dependable and productive and share my creativity and joy. I think that will greatly help keep me from getting despondent or depressed. I simply have too much to do to indulge in that.

So I'm working on not yet saying I can't until I think of ways I might be able to. Right now I have to stay out of the shop completely lest I be tempted to do one thing or another. It's in pretty good shape for work when I do get out there. I'm going to continue to refuse to get out there for two solid weeks post-surgery, which means March 22. Then, if I can, I may be able to do a couple of things with help. I'll make a priority list.

Being adaptable is an art. I'm an artist. I will adapt. I have everything I need to do it well.