Other people know how to do it, and really, so do we

Wow, go listen to Viola Davis' speech at the NAACP Image awards. I cried hard. She said that hell is when you find yourself at the end of your life: the person you became facing the person you could have become. That hit deep. That whole broadcast was filled with life and affirmation. Courage, and clear seeing. All the best qualities: strength, resilience, determination. Never giving up. I am a huge fan of how the Black community deals with the world. No wonder we still want them to save us from ourselves. I feel the same about the Jewish and Latino communities. I hate being white, I have to say. The peoples of the world don't make me feel that way, it is the actions of other white people that make me feel that way. Yeah, of course, not all white people. Just millions and millions of them, people who have not tried to pick up the tasks of the commons and do them fairly and justly. I'm very grateful to all of the people who have picked up their tools and tried to build a just world, and are still trying. It's not like we don't have the tools.

What would you have done if someone hadn't put their trauma on you? What would you have done if you hadn't been bullied, discouraged, blocked from finding your best self? What if you had been brave enough to do the things no one encouraged you to try? What if you hadn't given up when things seemed too hard? What makes you so afraid? What makes you so defensive? 

She said there is no man behind the curtain controlling your life. You already paid for your crown. 

I know she wasn't really speaking to me, a person who had plenty of privilege and opportunity to heal, plenty of support if I could have chosen to access it. The oppression I faced as a little white girl from the middle class was minor compared to the blocks people who are not seen as white feel every day of their lives. Even when they are celebrated for their efforts there are plenty of people ready to cut them down to some tiny place they don't choose to stand in. The amount of oppression for Black people during Black History Month this year was over the top, and you know it happens every damn day while we are just...doing other things. Complaining about the cost of mangos and avocados. 

I don't deserve her support and encouragement, though I have no doubt she would extend it to me, because she is kind in her fierceness. Many people are. I've felt their protection and seen them allow me to make mistakes that wounded others. I also watched a show about owning your mistakes and moving on, to restore your life and joy, without carrying that shame of doing something badly. Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally, I guess it is a practice I have to start doing every time I hear that self talk that cuts me down to a tiny place.

I've been reviewing some Board packets and minutes from previous years, yesterday 1990 and 2018. Packets full of committee reports, discussions, motions made, not made, reversed, and fought about. The market discourse was always, over the many decades, robust. We talked about everything, at the table, not hidden from the other members. We shared the work, and the blame if it was flawed work, and we repaired what we could and kept trying to do better. We didn't work as individuals subject to burning ourselves out, we worked as a community to share the load. And we wrote it all down.

There were 36 separate items in just this typical month, November 2018, including eleven reports plus separate minutes from task forces and committees. Eleven Committees and Task Forces.  Research the GM had done, the census, the financial report, the Annual Meeting preparatory packet, everything from planning for the 50th Anniversary, which we celebrated in 2019, to a Board Self-evaluation, with Task forces working on the Downtown and Park Blocks redesign process, The Street Team which developed the Guidebook, and a proposal for a website rebuild which we did then spend $10 grand on. No withdrawal from savings for any of all that. We weren't making any more money then, we were simply being managed by a professional with skills. With a staff she trained to do what needed doing. She trained the Advertising Manager, the Site Crew, the other support staff. She handled things. She earned that salary. 

Collaboration was a given. Many people came aboard because it was a pleasure to be in meetings where things were done and respect was maintained. We had fun, we made tons of improvements, and we frequently shared our history as we approached that celebration. We planned a party that we never got to have, and which people paid for and were never reimbursed. That didn't happen because of the pandemic. All of it continued just fine throughout the pandemic, even when we couldn't meet and lost the first ten markets of 2020. When we lost that manager, we did falter, but not so much until this current power structure decided that they'd get behind this mismanagement no matter what. 

What would we have been if we didn't accept these limits? It didn't come from the outside, it came from within. I got tired of speaking up and not being heard, and being forced to participate in things that were not ethical, and walked away. At the time I told myself I didn't want to blow it all up, which was a huge mistake that kept things buried that should have seen the light of day. Things were broken that didn't have to be. I didn't want to hurt other volunteers, and I still don't. Group process is what everyone does together. It isn't supposed to be a place where people are unsafe. 

I still have the pieces, and we could put them back together if people had the will. Instead we are told that sharing information is "leaking" as if it were state secrets. It's the members' business! We should all know all about it. There's no mutual benefit in hiding everything that needs to be worked on and made whole. This is common knowledge...you can't fix what you refuse to address. 

We should know how many people did not get their $40 work deposits back from HM after they did their work tasks. We should know how many people had to pay twice when their payments were mismanaged. How many donations did not make it to the Kareng Fund? I know of one...but we should know how that was corrected. We should know who goes away hurt or destroyed by bullying they are ashamed they couldn't handle. We should stand with the victims of bullying instead of shoving it under the rug. We get no information now, so we can't address things and we can't fix them. 

We need those committees and task forces and that collaboration. I was surprised to find a park blocks redesign in 1990 that somehow I missed remembering...a few spaces were lost and the process was clear to fix it. The displaced people were given first choice to reserve what was available, like we did when the deck changed people's spaces in a later time. I didn't pull that policy out of nowhere, it was brought forward that people get spaces in point order. We had to make a new map for HM before...and it was done by starting over in point order, everyone choosing new spaces. That was the most fair way. That was not how this latest map was filled. Without history and a Task Force, I dread this new iteration of the Park Blocks redesign. 

We worked hard to do everything in the most fair way, and if people disagreed, we listened to them and made the corrections we needed to make to right the situation as well as we could. Of course not every decision was the best one, but it all depended on the people in the room at the time, and there were always many. There was no risk in speaking up. There was never any real effort to get everyone to agree...we just had to ask as many people as possible to determine what would best serve the common good. In 1990 someone asked for what may have been the first LOA. Policies were written that are still policy today. When the jewelry guidelines needed work, all of the jewelers were called in to meet.

The same in 2018...policies were gathered by the Policy and Procedure Task Force, collated and revised so everything was brought forward and we didn't have to do the work over and over again. People didn't have to depend on memory, they had documentation. It took a lot of work, painstaking work, but it was so important to do it, as we have certainly seen. Except our members can't access that work, those documents and those policies. Without permission. 

We had embezzlement in 1989, and it's right there in the minutes. Ironically that manager had been hired to "make us more like a business." An employee took the days' receipts home where a roommate stole from them, getting away with $4500. They both resigned, and the money was not recovered. It took a few months to reconstruct what had happened. We barely even had a computer then. When Bill was hired, he knew what protections to put into the bylaws, what money-handling processes to put in place, what types of audits we needed to have checks on what the staff was doing. It was his responsibility to do that. We always had audits, which are not free...but obviously they can save a lot of money when there are mistakes being made. We haven't had an audit since Kirsten left in 2021. We can afford it. We have to afford it.

I'm so sad about how things have played out these last three years. It didn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be this way. Until I was bullied repeatedly, I was able to share a lot of how we historically handled things, so nothing had to be reinvented that would cause a loss of what made us strong and just. My life is too short now to be bullied. I can't help this Board, without sacrificing the years of my life that bullying takes from my body. I can't let market kill me after investing my life in it. 

Please see the big picture. Restore the trust and good will and collaboration we always had solidly in place. Restore the transparency and accountability. Don't accept excuses and lies and cover-ups. This is far too important of an organization to lose. Make it safe to disagree and a joy to work together. If you can't do that, please resign.