"Something Nice" vs. Being Honest

 From January 16th. I'll keep the rest private for now. 

 

 Writing here still feels better since I doubt the stalkers have finished with the other blog. I'm determined not to give them any help or anything dramatic to entertain them. I'm dissecting my own attraction to having an audience and a part in the change that needs to happen, but I know I can get a report on the latest if I want to...just pushing that away as long as I can. But of course I am curious.

I got a text yesterday from one of the Board members inviting me to coffee, under the guise of social interaction. At face value, this is one of my Park Blocks neighbors wanting to catch up a little, but she is failing to acknowledge the reality that ever since she was elected to the Board, she has avoided speaking to me, numerous times. I tried to let her know right in the beginning that there was an alternate story to "support our staff" but she blanked quickly and we didn't speak of it again. I watched her submit to the charm offensive of the narcissist several times and saw the rewards she got...a mention in the minutes for knowing the stats of booth fees needed the additional category of "median" sales totals, since average was simply dividing the total by the number of sellers and wasn't very useful as a stat. She got that a few times but the last set from October did not give us the median. She also got to be one of the in-crowd and got to turn her 6-month term into another 18 months despite vote of no confidence from the membership.

So at HM, we were not in close proximity but I am right next to the office so I noticed her passing by many times and looking in the opposite direction, but I also did not seek her out and had only been polite the last few months anyway, when we were there at the end of the day as a couple of the last ones. She has tried mothering behavior to me many times and I have even told her not to mother me, as it is disrespectful behavior to me, someone who obviously does know what I am doing and doesn't need parenting. To be fair I've avoided her too, and I don't think she reads my other blog, though probably she has engaged in discussions about it at the Board, or at least gossip, level. She wrote a column to the members which was in two of the final newsletters. 

Without going back to read it again, I remember two points, one being "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," and the other saying it would be a shame if all voices were not being heard in crafting solutions to the problems facing the market. It didn't seem directly aimed at me, and in fact there are probably a number of people giving feedback to the Board at the meetings, as I was told they are regularly three hours or more. I think members are trying to engage in solutions, but I haven't gotten a full report of a Board meeting in a few months and just have the minutes to go on, obviously a very incomplete picture. 

And my position about helping this Board is that as long as they are enabling and protecting the narcissist, I won't be engaging with them, as I won't engage with her. I've had a very few private conversations with a very few Board members. I've written letters a few times, with bullying or non-empathetic non-responses. 

The person who loudly and violently bullied me on Xmas Eve also wrote in her post about the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," trope. This is so discordant with the actual time we are living in, I wonder how they sleep at night. In the macrocosm, both of these women have no problem speaking out against the political powers, with actions and language that are not necessarily described by "nice." Maybe they do speak nicely privately with people they disagree with, and maybe they are being consistent in a way, because they can't say something nice to me so they say nothing, with the wild exception of the bullying FB post that vilified the Kareng Fund trying to punish me. 

That was a serious loss of control on that person's part, and I attribute it to a shame spiral, a trauma pattern of people who can't handle being noticed when they do something wrong or inappropriate...they get angry and defensive if you point it out, and attack you for speaking up. I've analyzed the way I spoke up, and I'm a little part sorry for it, except that I did not name the person, just reported on the behavior, and the pattern of it that she had been using to hurt and intimidate other members who had been trying to speak up and engage in their own ways. Those previous incidents were what pretty much drove volunteers from engaging, not only with the committee she chaired, but with all of the committees. Our members tend to vote with their distancing...there were only 48 voters in the last election, which was a protest vote by many, though it was spun that people just don't want to vote when there aren't any real choices. We've had elections many times when only a small number of people voted, and many when there were only as many candidates as open positions, but with this admin we have seen subtle tactics to discourage candidates and manage the elections for a "favorable" outcome, one which "supports the staff." People see that and I know people, me included, who didn't vote for the first time in decades. 

I've written before about this message which devalues the members and portrays us as mean people who do not help and value our staff members, as a false narrative spread by the liar in charge. She is good at seeding these narratives which could be true, but only pull out a tiny part of our social culture and current dynamics and make that the main story. We saw that in spades in the KLCC interview. I had a lot of issues with that spun-out snapshot of a market that is limited and all about the narcissist and her friends, but one of them is that historical details and tales about our culture were falsified and now exist in the public record as what she wants the world to know about our organization. 

Sometimes these things are exacerbated by the media representatives not really understanding us at our best, but that is the job of those who speak for us to get it out there how we are at our best. Not to feature a person as a "ball-breaker," as what does that say about our artisans? Nothing endearing. Not to spin the tale of our problems hiring a good GM. That stuff is confidential to begin with, and the interview revealed the corruption of that last "hiring" and between the lines of that story is a humiliating and sad story about our sometimes weak and unprofessional leadership. I mean, that stuff comes out in the archives, but it is not promotional to make that the public story. And I've already written about how it trashed our relationship with the city. 

But what I really found the most objectionable about the recent communications was the quote from Thumper the rabbit from the 50's Disney movie Bambi. Your mother, and mine, used to repeat that at us, trying to get us not to fight with our siblings or say mean things as kids. Disney narratives are not adult narratives. The mother burns up in a fire (not many Disney mothers live) and the too-young Bambi has to step up to do their own protection in a mean world. Disney is not and never was a progressive reality we should emulate. Do some critical analysis, people. Being nice and not saying something to avoid hurting feelings is a dodge we use to protect the right of comfort that is part of the white supremacy culture. How can you not know this now? 

As a twenty-some, I had lots of thoughts about the word "nice" and how it limits behavior and hides the truth and I really thought that was far in my past, so it made me laugh that this is what is thrown at me and others who care enough about the situation we're in to be honest about the sources of it. You can't just be nice in this complex world. It is not going to effect change. EVERYONE can see this in the macrocosm, but these people are still using it to make the microcosm dysfunctional. I'm way beyond that. Truth is far, far more desirable than niceness and you can watch tons of films with that message, films that were not made by Disney seventy-five years ago. 

So no, I will not be going to coffee with this person, even though at face value she could have just wanted to connect. What I heard, in the background, was the narcissist sending a flying monkey to see if I could be fooled into helping them solve these problems they created. She let it slip when she asked/told me about my HM experience. Was it good for me, didn't the wider aisles and the Atrium "seem to help?"

Nope. I liked the wider aisles in some places, but my sales were down 15% and I got bullied brutally. No, it was not a good HM for me. Did she want to talk about the bullying, send me some empathy from the Board, or engage in solution discussions? If so, she didn't mention those things. Either they didn't mean anything to her, or she wanted to wrap them in some friendship cotton so she could try to bring me in. I'm sure I'm paranoid about this, but we aren't friends. We barely speak at market, and I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she needs social interaction in the offseason, but trying to get it from me is extremely sus. 

I'm having plenty of social interaction, more than I want. I'm very busy with the Jell-O Art Show, getting my stock filled in, and getting ready for surgery. I didn't tell her why I said no, being "nice" and not questioning why she was coming to me. I know how to be polite. I thanked her for asking.

But that was a big hell no that needed writing about. Now if I could only get back to doing it in a more public way...still feeling bullied, so it may be awhile. I heard the bully resigned from leading the committee she was on, but I don't know if that was in a huff, on the advice of the Board, or her own realization that she did damage. I fear for the subtle damage it did to the Kareng Fund, after two years of microagressions from the narcissist. There are over two hundred artisans who have benefited from our work as a nonprofit that supports people who need it. That attack was criminal. I don't believe there was any apology tendered for that, which as Secretary I would probably have heard about. Doesn't matter anyway. The damage can't be undone. We just have to keep moving forward. But to shred a safety net at a time like this shows some people really have their heads in the sand. I don't want to play in that sandbox.   

 

Amorphous Grief

 From Janauary 8th. Boy was I writing.

Even writing all day yesterday didn't exhaust me. I'm pulling up so many emotions from the past while also feeling numb that I can't focus on work and it seems very peripheral. 

I think I felt George leave his body last night, in my confusing dream that woke me up, and in my unease that sat in my lap all evening. I couldn't really eat, read, or do the things I meant to do yesterday. I know that grief is not any one thing and that I am in it, so I am trying to stay quiet, comfort myself, and let the emotions come. At the same time there is this quiet and remove that I am inhabiting where it is like nothing is happening. 

Discovering the shame spiral triggered me from within which can be just as destructive, but more clearly self-destructive. I gave up drinking but normally this would be the time I would drink something, escape somehow, set myself aside for a bit so I can move through it and come out with some healing inside. I'm trying to do that without the alcohol and I think I can, but that makes me feel weak and I tell myself things like alcohol has a positive purpose sometimes and this might be one of those, and so on. If it didn't involve going to the store I would have something potent.

I'll try to work, and I'll write. I'll hold my kitty and let her feel my heart. She likes it too. I need to put away the Xmas decorations and get out the Jell-O, so I'll try. I feel like I did the winter that we lost not only my son's grandmother but one of the treasured children of our community, and I made a sculpture called Hope. It helped. Art is important in these times, as is reading to be inspired, and reminding myself to just feel what is coming up and try not to judge myself.

Looks like the sun is coming up so I could have yardwork therapy, and probably will do that instead of sorting out my hats and bags. It's a long way until April so I can take my time with that, except for the plan of getting all my printing done before surgery, which is also important.

I have to launch Jell-O though, as people are depending on me. I don't want anyone to be disappointed with me, ha ha. People pleasing is in there just as deep as anything else. My avoidance gets in my way really hard at times like this, but really it just creates more time to sort through emotions and let myself feel, instead of shifting to taking care of other people which I am not very good at to begin with. 

My dream last night that woke me up involved houses (which represent relationships). My mother's house, and the one I was going to bed in were next door to each other. I had my kitty with me but realized my son, who was young, was in my mother's house, all alone. When I got up in my summer nightgown (defenseless, vulnerable) I quickly went into her house but there was someone there. He was friendly and seemed to be there legitimately but my mother was not, and I panicked, pushed him out and locked the door. I had left the kitty in the other house but now I couldn't go out there to get her.

He hung around on the porch and put up a shirt to block my view from the window, so I couldn't see him or anything in the neighborhood, and then I woke up. My brain did not know what it was all about, but it felt like a nightmare and it felt like I was having trouble sleeping for no known reason.

Grief is so complex. My mother's 100th birthday is coming up, though she died in 2023 and didn't get enough closure on that, which I guess most people don't when it is their mother. I didn't understand the type of grief I had with her and still have to feel it and give it meanings I can add up in some coherent way. That's probably trying to impose a structure that doesn't fit and isn't required. 

I'm not religious and my spirituality is amorphous, so I get little comfort there, but I know I am psychic to some degree and highly empathetic, which is part of why I adopted this avoidance. I do not want to grieve in a crowd. I dissolve in tears at demonstrations and they bring up the trauma of the 70s when I fought in the streets against Vietnam and Nixon. I can write but that is sometimes all I can do, which seems like cold comfort. But there are people who do treasure my words and I treasure my ability to put them in beautiful order when I do that.

 So I try to pretend that I am doing my part and no one gets to tell me otherwise. I'm scared about money so I'm not sending any to whatever organizations need it...though I probably don't need to be as scared about money as I am. The surgery is listed as taking 10 minutes! How much can that cost? Guess I'll find out.

I'm going to go do something active, and let my mind roll around for awhile, maybe all day. I have to be human so that means imperfect, so I can let myself be that. No one knows about this blog, or anyway how to find it, and I wrote a short message on the other one to let people know I'm just not available for a bit. Let the stalkers take a break and worry about someone else, something else. Let them self-reflect that they silenced a writer. Let them go back and read some of the beautiful posts I wrote for the 50th season in 2019. Let them write their own stories.

I'll keep living and keep writing and keep trying to find space for all that needs to be done and felt. I do have faith in that. 

The Shame Spiral

 From January 7th.

 Wow it's so wet today. I'm unendingly grateful for a warm and dry house and happy that I learned how to provide for myself, gain safety, and have a life that is practical and free from existential threats.

I'm grieving my old friend George, who is no longer conscious though his body is still present I think. He could be dreaming, visiting us. I had a dream about riding behind him on a motorcycle, whispering I love you into his ear. He didn't respond...but I know he loved me too. We first met around 50 years ago, a little less maybe. He attended poker games at Hap's Garage and I was living with Hap Hazard, as he called himself then. George was a Scorpio and about 6 months younger than me, and I have Scorpio rising, but we connected for lots of reasons. He had a partner but we tried to date at one later point, too early in my personal development to have a mature relationship, but we stayed friends and kept the trust and collaboration as we grew in community.

I've been remembering those times and his familiar face. I don't need to visit his body, as I know there are dozens if not hundreds of people who also love him and want him to still be there for them. He had some wonderful qualities and such a soft and nurturing presence, plus all that charisma. I greatly admired him even though we didn't always agree, and I think I saw his true nature. He made a powerful impact on many lives and I am proud to be one of the artists he supported with his vision. Even though I was "just the screenprinter" I also got to paint the Treehouse, twice, and we shared fifty years of t-shirt projects, which makes him my longest and oldest collaborator. 

I kind of do want to go sit with him, to be honest. I just don't think I will help anyone who needs help right now. I told them my heart is with them. I've always been chicken about dealing with death, since my dad's was so traumatic, and I was young then, and I always think I will do better. I also think I prefer to grieve in private. I'll talk about it, I'll help spread the news, but I don't want to have to say any platitudes or join in any group tears. I'll continue to work on it, as we're solidly in the time of our lives when we will be losing everyone, until we are the one lost. 

I heard a new term today that seems useful, the shame spiral. It's the reaction that happens when you feel shamed, and are sent into a process of defense, self-protection, and full display of your woundedness in that area. I've felt it, and seen it happen to others, but it's good to remember that this can help explain the seemingly outsize reaction people have when their errant behavior is addressed and acknowledged. They can't acknowledge it until they see the spiral themselves, track the process, identify their wound, and get to the healing. All of these types of healing take years. Shame is such a powerful emotion, imposed from without.

As someone raised as a Catholic, I'm well aware of how it feels. I can sometimes distinguish it from guilt, which is about what you did, not what someone else thinks about it. They get locked together sometimes, when the shame makes you feel guilty...but sometimes your outrage is because you don't feel like you did anything that deserved being shamed. And sometimes you didn't. I often find myself framing things as if there were a courtroom and a judge and jury, with all of my evidence and justifications. But I think I am learning to just sit with the guilt feelings, which usually can point out at minimum something I could have done better, and put the shame back on the source. 

I told someone they didn't have the right to scold me, and it's the same with shame. People don't have the right to shame you. However, often, they didn't, but your woundedness tells you they did, and you go into the spiral. If you did something that hurt them, or caused a problem, people have the right to bring it up and look for redress or point out a better action, but not to attack you for it. If they don't have the skills to have a rational and productive, problem-solving discussion, perhaps they are not the person who should address it with you. It takes skills and practice to keep that kind of discussion helpful. 

Many of us revert to parent-talk, bringing back the way our parents dealt with their need to guide or correct our behaviors. I felt lots of shame as a kid, sometimes put on me intentionally and sometimes just the reaction I had learned to feel as a little kid under attack. It was the 50s. My Mom was pretty good at parenting after helping raise her 9 siblings, but my Dad was toxic and barely tried to learn. My parents had a lot of late night discussions but I don't think there was any evidence that my Dad learned any better ways. I think he did carry a lot of shame. But all of that is decades old and it's more useful to pry into current issues and look at what I could be doing better.

Any kind of righteous crusade is fraught and I know I am falling close to that line with my need to help the market to get better management and get back on track. I'm frequently feeling shamed and scolded for telling the truth, which makes me even more determined to keep doing that. It's probably useful to go back to one of the primary experiences with lying that happened to me when I was maybe 8 or 9, not sure exactly. My older sister and I got to go to the yacht club with my dad, one of the only times I remember having any kind of nearly one-on-one experiences with my dad. He sent me up to the bar to get cokes for us, a huge treat we never got except at the yacht club, and on the way back along the dock, I took a sip from mine, and then because I had less than my sister, I took a sip from hers. I proavly did it twice, because my deprivation was a prime driver of my actions then.  I had no idea that I was being watched the whole time and I lied about it, denying trying to somehow get myself on equal footing with my sister, which was the underlying problem which of course was not understood or ever addressed. My sister and I were adversaries in many ways until we were adults, and talked about out mutual feelings of not being seen and heard as children. We took it out on each other for at least two decades until my dad's death changed the subject. 

But anyway, I was full of bad feelings and must have been promised some kind of discipline when we got home, and the day was spoiled. My father chose to make his point about lying by washing my mouth out with a bar of soap, witnessed by the whole family. It wasn't the first time I had lied. Lying was no doubt an adaptive behavior I had learned to get myself some safety in the previous years. One of my friends' mothers had written about it in my autograph book, and I can still see that entry in my mind, on the pastel page, reading "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." I was always grateful to her for even noticing me at all, but I puzzled over this and didn't really understand the level of my lying, and it could have been a major problem among many problems. I was also a bully to my little sisters, as secretly as I could be, which is just part of the same attempt to get out from under domination and control. We often try out domination and control as that's what we're seeing and feeling.

So a complicated early memory and I doubt I vowed that day to never lie again, because I focused on the cruelty of the punishment and the feelings of being utterly unloved, misunderstood, and threatened, as well as hurt. I don't eat cilantro...just one persistent soap issue. I vividly remember the incident in great detail. I wonder if I confessed anything about it. Confession was also a shame and guilt experience with a male authority figure so I probably did, or didn't. I remember confession vividly as well but not that one in particular. Someday I'll think more about my "sins" back then. But my point is that either within or despite these early experiences, at some point in my life I realized my main values included honesty.  

All this to say that the shame spiral is what I believe I set in motion with my observation of someone's immature behavior, which launched some vicious anger at me, and others, at a really bad time. It explains to me why I don't want another interaction with that person, even if it were an attempt to make it better, an apology or process or whatever. I don't even want anyone to defend me (because, oh lord, I am guilty of the following sins...) I just want it to never happen again. I don't want the person to be punished, since they punished themself by making the situation a hundred times worse than my little observation warranted. Part of my guilt is paying attention to that person in the first place. The only thing that's working for me with this group of people is pretending as hard as I can that they don't exist, and certainly don't have any power over me. They try to.

Some of them are in power positions over me, and have shown that they will exert that power, but that has only happened in small ways and I wonder if they are in touch enough with themselves and their own lying to realize that their power over me isn't effecting my compliance with their control tactics. Doubting that they have any self-awareness, but since I know I am nuanced, I try to think that they are too, and working on their issues, which like mine, are really hard to keep on top of. Childhood damage persists, as it is so deeply embedded when we are so vulnerable. It drives a lot of unfortunate behaviors.

Circling back, I don't like remembering the ways I wasn't mature with my dying companion in life, but we got past them rather easily as it turns out, with his insistence on reassuring me that even though my imaginary construction of what we would create together wasn't going to happen, we still created a lot together! We set aside our shame and worked on friendship. Respect, openness, just loving each other without romantic attachment worked. I do think I saw him as he was. I do think he also saw me.

Of course we had fifty years to do it. This other thing just happened. Other people may address it, and because it wasn't just an incident about me, but a larger pattern, it needs to be addressed. People with skills have to do that. That's why it is so damn important to choose good leaders for these complex community organizations. They need a big toolbox of skills and when they don't have those, chaos follows and that's where we are. 

George had a lot of skills, but most of what he did in public for the last while as he served on the Board of OCF, was to just be in the room. He was always calm and deliberate and strong, not drawing attention to himself, but sticking to the business of the org. I'm sure he had his weaknesses and made his mistakes. There was plenty I didn't know, but I always remember that he was a wrestler. He once said that Kesey and his people wouldn't really like him if they really knew him. They connected through wrestling and wood, and if I remember right, George was asked to make Ken's coffin. 

George will have a very well-crafted resting place and parts of the sauna will be his legacy made visible, but his real legacy resides in how he was able to bring so much creativity to fruit in others. I'm going to think of him in his garden, the last place I spent time with him really, when I was painting the Treehouse the second time. He had just lost Katherine, and he invited me in to see where her box was and other parts of his private sacred space. The Treehouse was being repainted as a part of a memorial to her, which I think was derailed by the pandemic. They had a smaller safer gathering.

I also remember when he came by the market to connect with me after her death. He held me while I shook and wept into that vest he always wore, and he held me as long as I needed it, even though his grief was obviously huge and not mine. My grief was for him, was really empathy, very deeply. When he released me and I wiped my tears, he said "Good talk." 

Another post from the other blog.

 This one was also from January 4. I wrote all day, a dream day for me. 

 

 I'm glad I did this. Whether or not I will share it is a big question. I was just copying out old posts to a disk drive and was in 2018 an 2019...darn, I really wrote some fine essays back then. I wrote well during the pandemic too, and by golly, I still do.

I'm starting to feel like I can get out from under this oppressive situation. Being a crusader for a situation that is not improving just wears a person out. I suppose that is part of the narcissist's goal, to take as much energy from the shiny people as possible. Back when I was doing her job for her I wasn't finding much time to write...I wasn't feeling very inspired by my many hours of volunteering. All the essays about the archives I wrote during the 50th season got to a few people, but no one honored them in any way. And they were significant enough to get a grant from the Historical Society. I was very productive around that time.

Then when Kirsten left in mid-2021, I had to take the weight of the organization on my shoulders, though I tried not to. I really believed her when she said she left us with a great staff that could carry on. She didn't tell us the part about them needing constant leadership to function. At the time we didn't know she had trained all of them, and without her supervision they would fail to step up. I doubt she knew that. She was off to a bigger adventure and she wished us well, but her responsibility for it ended. Not faulting her, it's just how it goes. 

It was super hard to hire during the next few years. We couldn't attract good candidates and we didn't have the right kind of volunteers in place either. It wasn't the pandemic that started us sinking...we made it through that just fine, without even touching our savings. She got us a lot of grants, and we all got our stimulus, and we did the half-size markets and made it work. It was well after the pandemic effects were over when the big cracks formed.

We just didn't have the professionals we needed, or anyone with any high-level skills, and those we had soon went off to other more rewarding tasks. It's painful to look back and I can't do it without blaming individuals for their terrible choices. Maybe the pandemic made everyone more selfish (yes, it did) and maybe we lost some of our strength as a community that cared about each other, but without certain people doing what they did we would never have fallen so low. 

I was in there...it bothers me quite a bit that I was complicit. I navigated some tough territory. I had to recommend her for her new job, carefully but positively, even though I knew we needed her still. We were a bit desperate for Board members so some people rose to power who shouldn't have. They had an agenda, and part of it was to push leaders like me out of the way, which I stubbornly resisted, but with retirements and successful campaigns to drive people out, that happened. 

Someone kind of innocent was drafted to write a letter to everyone saying that all the old people should step out and bring in young people, which sounded fine on the face of it, but the few of us who were old looked at each other and knew it was personal. It was old people saying that, too. New and young is not the same as better. With us went a vast body of knowledge and skills that were not in place in these new people. There was no one to mentor them, and they didn't think they needed any mentoring.

So it was actually kind of how she described it in her delusional interview...she was asked to do things, she had the keys, and she took the job. She took it somewhere no one asked her to go. 

When I see all that I was doing for the market in 2019, for ten years before that, and for a couple of years after, I see how much of my effort was destroyed, and how intentional it was. I had a staff member say I "needed help" and was doing "too much," which was true enough, but you don't tell older, powerful people they need help, unless you actually have an idea of what productive help would look like. That was not his idea. He was just there to disenfranchise me and prevent me from seeing what he was doing. Policies went out the window. Points were not honored. I almost lost the space I had asked for and sold in for two years, every week, when he refused to put me on the list through a technicality. Instead of letting me know, it got down to the last minute. He wanted to make me beg, or to watch while I lost my space and someone else got it. Despite my contributions, no one would advocate for me.

At the time I was shocked, but at this point, after being sabotaged by several staff members, past and present, I don't expect any support. I expect retaliation and punishment. I have to fight for even my right of free expression, and if you went back an read some of the incredible posts I wrote when the market was good, this would break your heart too. But no one will go back and read those at this point. 

In shedding the stalkers, I also shed fifteen years of dedicated readers, some of whom probably always at least glance at my posts. Of course I had a lot more fans when I posted on FB, but those days are gone and a lot of those people were just drama-seekers. Now if I want to inspire or say anything a writer would say, I have to protect myself or publish a book. What I have to say won't fit in a viewpoint in a local paper, though I may write some of those in time, as things will likely get worse before they get better. 

Maybe this shift to here is temporary, and I will probably invite some readers over here. 

But anytime I want to feel good about myself, I should go back and read 2018 and 2019. Or come here and write about it. 

I can write. I can also sing, but I need to get practicing. Jell-O Show is coming fast and I am not inspired. I need personal space to get into it. Maybe this will be the key to that.  

The "Taking it Back" Blog posts

 I've decided to share some of the posts I wrote in the other blog I didn't invite anyone to read. They're kind of vulnerable, but also fill in some of the gaps. This one is from January 4th.

 

 I'm a writer, so I'm not going to stop being me. I don't deserve the controlling scrutiny that my regular blog is getting, so I'll just write here for awhile. Maybe forever, not sure. I really liked my old name and the whole concept, but I can always go back there for the subjects that it kind of devolved to: narcissism and bullying and the hostile takeover of the market. I don't see that getting better in the short term, though maybe eventually things will change. When all the money dries up the narcissist will lose interest.

But I need a life that is not dominated by that, as it has been debilitating and the costs have been high. I have zero trust in the power structure although I still have many friends and associates who believe me. It just isn't really part of our culture to defend each other, sadly. We tend to try to keep out of trouble for our own protection. I suppose this is how it works in most institutions and organizations and it isn't that surprising. 

So, other topics! I've been busy outside, pruning fruit trees, making fences and grape arbors with the filbert poles I trimmed out of my thickets. It's very fun. I've tried to get all the trees down to a size I can reach with the pole pruners (I have several) and without a ladder, but I did have to use the stepladder to finish up the pear trees. They're this odd combo pear of four different varieties, I think Bartlett, Red Bartlett, D'Anjou and Bosc, though I don't get all of those anymore. I rarely get good pears, though I try to fight the squirrels for them. They eat the buds, thin the blossoms, knock down the unripe pears, and at some point I start taking them and storing them inside to ripen, which doesn't result in a great crop. Late in the fruiting season I will cut down some of the better, bigger D'Anjou that remain in spots the squirrels can't get to, so I usually get a few. But as fruit trees, they're past their prime and although some parts are strong and healthy, I'm eventually going to have to take them out.

I hired someone to prune the giant fir in the front yard, and the top of the apple tree. It hasn't happened yet, but this will really be the first time I have hired someone to do things I used to be able to handle myself, in regard to my yard and house I guess. I tried to hire a roofer...hoping that happens this spring or summer as well. But climbing trees, though I still love it, has had to go the way of roller-skating. The possible accident risk is greater now with bigger consequences so I need to be a little wiser in accepting my limits. It's a prominent but subtle part of aging that just happens regardless of your will and I'm lucky I still get to make choices about it.

I have some fears about my upcoming surgeries (carpal tunnel and trigger finger release) but lots of people get the CP surgery and seem to move past it without trouble, and I am busy overpreparing for some period of disability, hopefully a short one. I'll clean up thoroughly, get set up to feed myself for the first week or so, remember all the things I couldn't do with one hand (zippers, shoelaces, can openers, and more) and get out ahead of those needs. No doubt I will still find things to be creatively problem-solving about. I'm clearing out February completely in case I don't recover as fast as the doctor seems to think I will. 

I've managed the bunion problem with shoes and careful planning, and the neck thing is on hold, so it will just be the hands. I hope I didn't really make my life impossible with my inattention to my body.

I surprise myself sometimes when I do experience pain and realize how much of it I have been ignoring or making excuses for. I don't inhabit my body very well. I'm sure the childhood trauma figures in that, as I can tell several stories that led to dissociation habits and they're well embedded in my psyche after decades of setting them aside. My son and I were talking about therapy and emotions and although I did okay with protecting him from actual trauma, my damage did become his damage, to some degree. I never burdened him with the stories, but he at least observed some of the healing practices and he of course suffered from some of the limits I was working with. I quit therapy when it got too challenging...I didn't really want to make some of the changes to make me a more normal person. 

There's a certain warmth to some of our pain and injury, a part of us that holds it close sometimes, maybe as proof of what we lived through or are living through. For most people, there is a juicy attraction to drama and I try to fight that. It's an addiction type of drive, and I have learned to recognize it, but with so many people around me intent on creating it I was just constantly dragged into it, at my expense. Unhooking, like creating this new place to write, is a process I am working hard at this month at least. I'm toying with the idea of getting off Facebook. It's the only social media I'm using, as I never go on Instagram anymore and resisted bluesky even though it sounds kind of friendly. I want fewer addiction tracks in my mind, so one by one I am trying to dissolve them. 

First I figured alcohol was pretty simple to give up. I knew I would miss it, and I haven't tested myself much, but it's time and I am pretty sure I'm past the biggest parts of it. Sugar, weed, bread, lots of other substances come to mind as addictions too, but I don't have a lot of avenues for joy and I can't become some kind of zealot. I just want to free myself a bit. It's a process. Like a lot of things.

I've always been really hard on myself. My Mom told me they didn't always have to discipline me, as I did it myself first, and I was pretty harsh sometimes. Catholic guilt was a big part of that, but Mom had to do something about religion for us. She didn't realize that Brownies and Girl Scouts would be plenty as far as teaching us values goes. Plus 50s and 60s schooling was pretty values-heavy. I worried about that with my own kid, but opted out of religion, and am glad I did. He's solid, got a lot of strong values just by being in this crafter lifestyle, and is also too smart to believe in ghosts who are omniscient and all that. Not the kind of person who goes for authoritarian cultures.

And neither am I, and I believe neither is a large part of my market community, though obviously many are fine with controlling and dominating behaviors, until they are directed at them anyway. I don't think a lot of people have given it a lot of thought. It's not as much about their whole lives as it is for those of us who have done it for decades. We've invested our lives...so we don't like being pushed out, bullied and oppressed. And lied to. And manipulated, and ignored.

So, I'm trying to disengage. I already said a thousand times I'm not going to fix this rather big break in our system. I've carried the weight a lot of times and it's a lot of hard work. I don't have time for it now.

I've been wondering what it would be like if I just start here with my book about the market. Just write about this time and my struggles with it, go back and explore how we got here, and put it all down on paper. You know when you write a book a lot of the beginning is going to be edited out, for too much exposition, lack of compelling scenes, false starts on the narrative you really want to tell. I really don't want what is happening now to be the story of market, though it will be there in the archives, there in the public record if you know how to look for it. I've dissected similar mysteries while reading the minutes and records from times I wasn't as aware of things as I could have been. Market deserves a really good book, a brilliant narrative that shows what we built, how we did it, and how it has endured to serve thousands, as well as our city and our region. It's a powerful story that is currently being mis-written, in an effort to reinvent something that is not really our community. I'm dedicated to telling a true story, so starting with now is not the worst idea. 

I have several journals in which I have started the book, a few times, enough to realize what a big and complex story I want to tell, and how badly I want it to be the brilliant and lasting take on it that will endure. The public record is wild. I don't expect to control it, I just want to give it a human perspective that takes it from a dry chronology to a juicy drama.

Wait, a juicy drama? That's gonna have to require some editing.  

Other people know how to do it, and really, so do we

Wow, go listen to Viola Davis' speech at the NAACP Image awards. I cried hard. She said that hell is when you find yourself at the end of your life: the person you became facing the person you could have become. That hit deep. That whole broadcast was filled with life and affirmation. Courage, and clear seeing. All the best qualities: strength, resilience, determination. Never giving up. I am a huge fan of how the Black community deals with the world. No wonder we still want them to save us from ourselves. I feel the same about the Jewish and Latino communities. I hate being white, I have to say. The peoples of the world don't make me feel that way, it is the actions of other white people that make me feel that way. Yeah, of course, not all white people. Just millions and millions of them, people who have not tried to pick up the tasks of the commons and do them fairly and justly. I'm very grateful to all of the people who have picked up their tools and tried to build a just world, and are still trying. It's not like we don't have the tools.

What would you have done if someone hadn't put their trauma on you? What would you have done if you hadn't been bullied, discouraged, blocked from finding your best self? What if you had been brave enough to do the things no one encouraged you to try? What if you hadn't given up when things seemed too hard? What makes you so afraid? What makes you so defensive? 

She said there is no man behind the curtain controlling your life. You already paid for your crown. 

I know she wasn't really speaking to me, a person who had plenty of privilege and opportunity to heal, plenty of support if I could have chosen to access it. The oppression I faced as a little white girl from the middle class was minor compared to the blocks people who are not seen as white feel every day of their lives. Even when they are celebrated for their efforts there are plenty of people ready to cut them down to some tiny place they don't choose to stand in. The amount of oppression for Black people during Black History Month this year was over the top, and you know it happens every damn day while we are just...doing other things. Complaining about the cost of mangos and avocados. 

I don't deserve her support and encouragement, though I have no doubt she would extend it to me, because she is kind in her fierceness. Many people are. I've felt their protection and seen them allow me to make mistakes that wounded others. I also watched a show about owning your mistakes and moving on, to restore your life and joy, without carrying that shame of doing something badly. Intellectually, I get it. Emotionally, I guess it is a practice I have to start doing every time I hear that self talk that cuts me down to a tiny place.

I've been reviewing some Board packets and minutes from previous years, yesterday 1990 and 2018. Packets full of committee reports, discussions, motions made, not made, reversed, and fought about. The market discourse was always, over the many decades, robust. We talked about everything, at the table, not hidden from the other members. We shared the work, and the blame if it was flawed work, and we repaired what we could and kept trying to do better. We didn't work as individuals subject to burning ourselves out, we worked as a community to share the load. And we wrote it all down.

There were 36 separate items in just this typical month, November 2018, including eleven reports plus separate minutes from task forces and committees. Eleven Committees and Task Forces.  Research the GM had done, the census, the financial report, the Annual Meeting preparatory packet, everything from planning for the 50th Anniversary, which we celebrated in 2019, to a Board Self-evaluation, with Task forces working on the Downtown and Park Blocks redesign process, The Street Team which developed the Guidebook, and a proposal for a website rebuild which we did then spend $10 grand on. No withdrawal from savings for any of all that. We weren't making any more money then, we were simply being managed by a professional with skills. With a staff she trained to do what needed doing. She trained the Advertising Manager, the Site Crew, the other support staff. She handled things. She earned that salary. 

Collaboration was a given. Many people came aboard because it was a pleasure to be in meetings where things were done and respect was maintained. We had fun, we made tons of improvements, and we frequently shared our history as we approached that celebration. We planned a party that we never got to have, and which people paid for and were never reimbursed. That didn't happen because of the pandemic. All of it continued just fine throughout the pandemic, even when we couldn't meet and lost the first ten markets of 2020. When we lost that manager, we did falter, but not so much until this current power structure decided that they'd get behind this mismanagement no matter what. 

What would we have been if we didn't accept these limits? It didn't come from the outside, it came from within. I got tired of speaking up and not being heard, and being forced to participate in things that were not ethical, and walked away. At the time I told myself I didn't want to blow it all up, which was a huge mistake that kept things buried that should have seen the light of day. Things were broken that didn't have to be. I didn't want to hurt other volunteers, and I still don't. Group process is what everyone does together. It isn't supposed to be a place where people are unsafe. 

I still have the pieces, and we could put them back together if people had the will. Instead we are told that sharing information is "leaking" as if it were state secrets. It's the members' business! We should all know all about it. There's no mutual benefit in hiding everything that needs to be worked on and made whole. This is common knowledge...you can't fix what you refuse to address. 

We should know how many people did not get their $40 work deposits back from HM after they did their work tasks. We should know how many people had to pay twice when their payments were mismanaged. How many donations did not make it to the Kareng Fund? I know of one...but we should know how that was corrected. We should know who goes away hurt or destroyed by bullying they are ashamed they couldn't handle. We should stand with the victims of bullying instead of shoving it under the rug. We get no information now, so we can't address things and we can't fix them. 

We need those committees and task forces and that collaboration. I was surprised to find a park blocks redesign in 1990 that somehow I missed remembering...a few spaces were lost and the process was clear to fix it. The displaced people were given first choice to reserve what was available, like we did when the deck changed people's spaces in a later time. I didn't pull that policy out of nowhere, it was brought forward that people get spaces in point order. We had to make a new map for HM before...and it was done by starting over in point order, everyone choosing new spaces. That was the most fair way. That was not how this latest map was filled. Without history and a Task Force, I dread this new iteration of the Park Blocks redesign. 

We worked hard to do everything in the most fair way, and if people disagreed, we listened to them and made the corrections we needed to make to right the situation as well as we could. Of course not every decision was the best one, but it all depended on the people in the room at the time, and there were always many. There was no risk in speaking up. There was never any real effort to get everyone to agree...we just had to ask as many people as possible to determine what would best serve the common good. In 1990 someone asked for what may have been the first LOA. Policies were written that are still policy today. When the jewelry guidelines needed work, all of the jewelers were called in to meet.

The same in 2018...policies were gathered by the Policy and Procedure Task Force, collated and revised so everything was brought forward and we didn't have to do the work over and over again. People didn't have to depend on memory, they had documentation. It took a lot of work, painstaking work, but it was so important to do it, as we have certainly seen. Except our members can't access that work, those documents and those policies. Without permission. 

We had embezzlement in 1989, and it's right there in the minutes. Ironically that manager had been hired to "make us more like a business." An employee took the days' receipts home where a roommate stole from them, getting away with $4500. They both resigned, and the money was not recovered. It took a few months to reconstruct what had happened. We barely even had a computer then. When Bill was hired, he knew what protections to put into the bylaws, what money-handling processes to put in place, what types of audits we needed to have checks on what the staff was doing. It was his responsibility to do that. We always had audits, which are not free...but obviously they can save a lot of money when there are mistakes being made. We haven't had an audit since Kirsten left in 2021. We can afford it. We have to afford it.

I'm so sad about how things have played out these last three years. It didn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be this way. Until I was bullied repeatedly, I was able to share a lot of how we historically handled things, so nothing had to be reinvented that would cause a loss of what made us strong and just. My life is too short now to be bullied. I can't help this Board, without sacrificing the years of my life that bullying takes from my body. I can't let market kill me after investing my life in it. 

Please see the big picture. Restore the trust and good will and collaboration we always had solidly in place. Restore the transparency and accountability. Don't accept excuses and lies and cover-ups. This is far too important of an organization to lose. Make it safe to disagree and a joy to work together. If you can't do that, please resign.