Crisis managed, for better or for worse

 Waiting for my delivery, trying not to be completely overwhelmed with grief and worry. It's not easy, even with all my blooming fruit trees and the mostly on sun. Got to do laundry. Can't go anywhere as if I do, the delivery will arrive. Guess I could keep busy.

Need to check my tires, filled them all up yesterday but this would be the day to see if they are leaking or flat. Don't need any surprises on Saturday morning.

I'm not going to Board meetings but I guess they rallied and will work together to repair what can be repaired. Just heard rumors and read all the gushing posts from people whose faith and love was restored. Not that easy for me. I've been trying to figure out why I am so despondent, outside of the obvious reasons. It has always meant a lot to me to be one of the people who cared for Market and kept it going, so I guess I lost my sense of belonging. I don't think I am upset because I am not in control of any of it, I mean, I could probably step in if I wanted to. The new Secretary wanted to meet with me. I won't have time for that, so sent her a few documents and a long email which she said she would read next week. Dismissed and boundaried again. She may not have intended that, not knowing how many times it has happened lately, enough to be a pattern, but whatever the reason, it triggers the pattern for me and pushes me lower.

They reinstated the GM, of course, which initially shocked me but it makes sense I suppose. Why fight the members? I have never been about standing in their way. If a consensus is reached, you kind of have to go with that, even when you disagree. I've stood on the opposite side quite a few times in the last few years, so I should be more used to it. There's probably some areas in there about control and maybe even power, that I could explore. 

My Secretary job description was fascinating to revisit. I think I wrote it in 2018 or 2019 when things were going really well. I was covering so much territory with my oversight and caring, keeping us legal and functional and maintaining the governance. We slipped a long way from that, some while I was there, and a lot more while I was gone, so just a half year. Makes me feel good that I made such an important contribution, but really sad that it has not only been erased, but no one has picked up much of it. It just isn't important now, or maybe it's assumed that the staff is doing it, or responsible for it, but I will stand by the position that it was best done by members, for members. 

Membership orgs like ours are probably too archaic to live now. They erode piece by piece, with little notice, when you get authoritarian-leaning people in power. It's not exactly like the macrocosm, not even close, but things will happen...we have to make a lot of money somehow, and it might involve odd ideas like getting rid of the honor system, instituting fines, or changing the standards somehow. Standards has actually been going in the other direction, to be more strict, so that might be an interesting area to watch. We're going to lose members as costs increase, and sales tank, which I beleive they will. 

It's likely that a lot of our tourism will evaporate, as people are afraid to travel, and spending for everyone is going to be curtailed as we all lose our savings. I'm not counting on high sales. We generally have had a lot of local support, which might continue, and of course people will still want to move here so we may still get plenty of domestic tourism. Sometimes in the past it has taken economic conditions awhile to get to us, and of course every day is a different raft of shit right now, economically. 

Now that the crisis at Market is "handled" for a minute, people are turning back to arguing about other things...some want to be political this week, some don't. I've been debating taking my golden wig, on a platter or to wear, but it doesn't seem that funny. I don't have space for the platter unless I bring something to put it on. I feel like I am not going to be allowed to use the space where I put my bike and trailer, and if I can't, it has to go in my booth, as I can't risk it getting stolen. It's hard to know if rules will tighten up or loosen, but I'm in line for retaliation now and can't help but expect some. There's not much that can be taken away, and now at least my neighbor isn't mad at me, but other people are. Bullies and people with the power to hurt me. I don't really expect it to be that fun.

However, the Slug Queens will be visiting, and they mostly still love me, so I could wear the wig for them. I could put it away if it seems to be hurting sales. Guess I'll put off deciding. It doesn't weigh much, and it isn't a sign, so if people get told to not be political for the sake of everyone who might disagree, it is just Jell-O, which isn't political. And it would come with laughs, which we all do need. We need a lot of them.

So very tempted to go skating tonight. I really can't risk the physical issues though, and chance missing the market. So I won't. But I want to. My delivery might not be here by 4:30, either, which is when I would leave the house. They said before 7. I hope it is well before. I need something to go right. 

 

When Things Look Terrible, the Sun Still Comes Out Eventually

Yes, I waded back into the Members site as I decided I couldn't let someone bullying me take my voice. Since I have been constantly bullied for at least ten years I don't know why I still expect to not have it directed at me. It's a trauma thing...I keep thinking the trauma is in the past and connected with only a few individuals, but in reality I think it is a fact of life that people will bully me.

I was once told by someone trying to be kind, in his way, that I "wore humiliation." It was shocking but I've grown to accept that I am easy to humiliate, very trusting, and always expect positive experiences. So, not very realistic. I prefer to retain that trust and naivete, but it leaves me vulnerable. I don't really want to harden myself at this point in my life, but the world is just so harsh right now. I find myself feeling that I will die in a prison and all hope is lost...this is just a high degree of empathy for the people in El Salvador whose crime was having tattoos or not-white enough skin, and I am safe from that here in my kitchen, but I still feel that death sentence. I'm wondering how people without my privilege handle it without just actually dying. I feel like my heart would just stop if that happened to me.

That's a pretty extreme degree of fear, so I guess the news is working on me. I've chosen to sell on Saturday instead of rallying, despite the fact that it probably won't be a good sales day. I haven't really had any income since December (except my SS, and I'm afraid to look and see if I'm still getting it, and Jell-O shirts, which were break-even.) But I have money...I'm afraid I won't continue to have it, but I'm not broke. I'll still be triggered all day I expect, and glared at by people who don't like me, but I have been unpopular at Market before and it usually wears off over the season.

I do still have that deep loyalty to Market, despite hating everything that has transpired in the last year or two, and most of the people making those things happen. It's not particularly rational, just feelings. That's one reason I've tried to stay out of it, as I can't add anything helpful, it seems. I tried being a moderating influence but got roundly trashed for that, so I won't do that again. I know some people appreciated it, but that didn't really matter, the bullies still won. Most of the little progress made in the last few months will likely be unraveled at the Board meeting and possibly a bigger mess created. I don't know why anyone would want to volunteer if they got a clear view of all of the nuanced campaigns that are being waged in this power struggle. Anyone just trying to be helpful or maintain justice will be swept away in the deluge of false narratives and high emotions, or at least that is my prediction.

It's possible some justice will prevail, and I know a few people will fight for that, but it's gone off into the deep end and probably will flounder around for more months. I'm not planning to engage with any of it. I have a big order of shirts coming in Thursday and will just see if I can physically handle that and selling every Saturday, and whatever I can do to assist in the political world situation, which is far more threatening than the messy problems of Market. 

I'm going to turn 75 in the midst of everything, and I doubt I will want to celebrate. Maybe I'll sit on the deck in the sun if I can. For some reason of his own my son is not communicating, and I miss him, but that is up to him and whatever he needs. I don't feel close to anyone right now, which is okay, but when people talk about community and how important it will be, I get anxious. I don't trust anyone to care about me...this is the effect of bullying old people. They descend into isolation and start believing they are worthless and in the way.

I know on some level I am fighting that...I shared a Jell-O Art post today and I still have to write that glowing post about the other artists and the gallery show itself, which I do hope to do. I still have this place to write what I want and it doesn't really matter if no one reads it, I feel better when I write. I know I have a couple of readers who do love me, and that warms me up, so I can keep trying to articulate things and sort through my perspectives to make things make sense.

I'm sure it's true that action is healing so I'll so what I can. I plan to make a sign for Saturday if I can think of something that won't be added to the list of why other market members hate me, and I will probably give away or sell cheaply some bandanas and hats for people walking through before or after the rally. I wanted to make something political but I can't feel inspired with all the dysfunction pressing on me. Words seem weak. I'm guessing I will feel better after Market, though, once I prove to myself that I can do it and people want me there. Even when I feel bad I know that is still true.

Guessing I am not the only depressed person today. I suppose I would want to encourage them, so i should encourage myself. I'll get out in the shop. Having a full inventory always makes me feel satisfied. My wrist seems fine, or anyway my hands are not any more stiff than they were before I broke it. The sun coming out in a couple of days will help, and it won't rain on Saturday, so I don't have to agonize about that. As Vi would say, All will be well. I'm sure she still says that now and again.