Working through

 Of course even as I wrote the post about the Market I was working on the ways I would forgive and move forward through my disappointment to get back to support and love for the organization. I knew it might take awhile but that when I see someone or something needing support, my empathy would be there.

Living with the truth is hard. Much of it is subjective. Rarely is it an absolute. Things that are bad have good wrapped inside somewhere, usually. Mostly people need the chance to learn and to have patience extended to them while they do that. Everyone needs some kind of help.

One of our skilled members came out of retirement and offered to support the Board while they learn how to manage their challenges. I'm pleased that she did, even though I don't have the energy to pitch in and help this time. I don't, and never did, want the organization to fail to right itself. I've been there while we faced, as a group, some awful and discouraging situations. Looking back, I often wanted to not be there, to not be one of the ones capable of doing the work, and to not feel compelled to stick with it.

Something in me never let me walk away before. Maybe it was that people were depending on me, and needed my skills. Maybe it fed my ego or my sense of belonging, probably it fit well with my alignment of productivity with self-esteem. For whatever reasons, I was never able to turn my back and let others carry the load.

I think it is my age that is allowing me to do that now, the knowledge that as I turn 75 I don't have much time left. I have a lot to do with that little bit of time. I haven't written my books, my research isn't organized enough to be useful, and my property and house are getting a little beyond me. I decided I had to prioritize myself. I'm having to remind myself frequently that I made that choice, and I want to honor it. I am not guaranteed the time and capability to accomplish the things on my personal list.

I feel the draw of pitching back in every day. Right now I am overachieving the goals and tasks I set for the Jell-O Art Show, which is a week from Saturday. I'm making it through the list, but it is still long an I may not be able to do all of the things I want to do. I work all day every day on it. It's fun, though exhausting, and I am anxious all of the time. It's not for money. It's all about art, and right now, it is all about saving my life from the excruciating political situation that our evil leaders are putting the world through. 

The grief over setting back our world's peoples to the degree we are seeing is consuming. I won't live long enough to see these many broken promises put back together. It is devastating every day. It will cost lives, probably some close to me. It is so much bigger than anything going on in my microcosm.

In the past it has been my solace that I could keep my smaller world sweet and organized and the dissonance of the larger world didn't have so much discouraging power over me. That is true while I work on Jell-O for 10 more days. But I am not sure what I will do after that. 

I will work, as I still have an overwhelming amount of things on my other lists, and I will try to maintain some joy in there to sustain me. Spring and summer will help. Maybe the political fights will begin to turn in the sunnier directions as well. A lot of people are working on that. I still have hope, and I won't stop hoping.

I hope Market will find a way through this hard time as well. I'll find some ways to support, I expect. I don't want to hurt it more. It's not the hardest time we've had, by far. Some of the changes we will make will bring lasting good, that's certain. I guess what I wanted to come here to say tonight was that I still care, and can feel the forgiveness and compassion coming back. It didn't take as long as I thought it might. As I adjust to my new, non-leader role, I'm planning to forgive myself for what I'm not willing to do, as well as what I've not done as well as I might have. I'm going to forgive all of us. It's the smallest thing to start with, and will make way for the bigger things. Eventually all will be well again. Or well enough.