Little Things Mean More Than You Know

 Extra hot today so will be catching up on things like cleaning and food processing. Spent all last week making a new Jell-O crown to wear at the Slug Queen Coronation which came and went with some frustration and I didn't get a single photo from it so far. I'll take some today before I put all the Jell-O away again. I've been practicing not making things about me (kind of a lifetime pursuit of equality) and I didn't call a lot of attention to myself on purpose. I was there to serve the Queens and my huge debt to Kim Still for her own service and I was properly thanked by a number of Queens who noticed. This year was particularly frustrating as we stood around with nothing to do for about an hour as SM people failed to show up to provide the chairs so we could get set up in time. I had to tell numerous people they couldn't sit in the first two rows which weren't even there except for a few privately owned chairs some of the Queens had left. Two of my helper buddies faithfully showed up but we couldn't do our work. I don't know how much SM gets paid or spends on the Coronation but it has now been fully perverted by the passive-aggressive (and even aggressive) need for attention by the SM power people who demand to be a part of it. I put their chairs directly behind mine so I could most effectively not let them spoil my fun. 

I try hard to remember that everyone gets to make their own contributions in life and it is not my right or job to control those, just to make my own choices about how they affect me, but it's harder with some people than others. I have these very tender feelings about things I value, like the relationship I have with the Slug Queens, with former SM friends and with current SM friends and it's so hard to watch them be ruined by selfish and clueless people who don't even see me living my values. Trying to, I should say. But I will still continue trying and attempting to clarify and improve my social presentation and living out my values and managing my expectations about how that actually works in an increasingly hostile and dismaying world that I'm trying to thrive in. Thriving may not be on the table without a lot of selfishness and tough boundary-setting. I suppose thriving is not easy for anyone and we do all need the support of each other, committed to all of us getting what we need. 

I'm quite flummoxed on what to do about the restriction of the Board packet done by the Board Chair  this month. I let the Board know that it effectively ended my 16-year volunteer task of compiling the digital archive for Market, but got no response specifically to that. Ironically in my envelope this week was the volunteer brochure I helped develop, a gut punch first thing in the morning. Yes, I know how to volunteer for Market. I've spent years working on that and doing that. A lifetime in fact. I feel completely blocked from that now.

I haven't changed. I still deeply love what we built as a community and are building every week, and have still been trying to make my contribution by archiving and caretaking the business of the org, but my efforts are being set aside and my history is unknown by the people currently making the decisions. I don't know who to appeal to about it or how to appeal it. I'm in shock and am seeing many people being damaged by this, some damaging others as they thrash through their emotions, and some just disappearing from our community in their pain and dismay. Many of course are completely unaware of those struggling, and it's impossible for me to see a way to introduce them to it. When the Board members don't respond, repeatedly, a person does not know how to keep up the conversation. I don't know why they are so afraid of me, in particular, and all of the concerned members, in general. I suppose it is because they are uncertain of their own actions and values and need guidance. 

My role as guide was an important one that I always tried to hold with humility and grace and repeat that I was not an authority but just trying to bring things forward that I had learned. I suppose some of those things were inconvenient, and it is not a widely shared skill to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and find ways through them to solutions. I don't understand even a little bit how restricting member access to the business of the organization can be viewed as acceptable, even for a day, an hour. I don't know how it could even be considered. 

Except in a world of people who view control and dominance as a desirable condition, with the competition to be on top the highest value. It's the opposite of any way the Market has ever been. It has always been a model of collaboration, equal access, value for everyone's contributions to the whole. I have really not experienced this type of control and exclusion in the community. I fear for our survival as an organization. It hits me hard and I have to back away and not spend every day shaken to my core. 

The external world is hard enough. Market has always been a refuge for us, and many of us still feel that every week in intense gratitude. Most of our members do not want to see anything different and are not seeing what has changed.

But at this point, selling days have been taken from us with nothing in return. Our fees have been raised to cover overspending and irresponsible financial management. And now our ability to know the details of what is being done with our money and our vital resources is taken from us. We can't engage in the business without access to the details. It's the opposite of transparency and since we have always worked with a lot of mutual trust, it's the destruction of our basic operating system. 

Trust is carefully built and easily destroyed. That's why we have always tried hard to maintain a close watch and an open, encouraging way in the workings between members and staff, the public and our internal relationships. Trust has always paid off for us. It just took one person with the willingness to lie and dominate the culture to divide us up and destroy what we carefully tended together. 

One of the things I'm experiencing is grief. This shit is hard to watch. Things are broken.  

Last week was not great

 I'm seriously disturbed about the latest actions by the power structure. It's unclear if the whole Board was involved in this or just the Chair at the direction of the GM (yes, this is backwards regarding who is the Director) but access to the Board packet was revoked except for the agenda and minutes of the last meeting. No Admin report, no Advertising update, no Member Concern letters, no Membership Report, no Committee reports, and no financial documents. I don't know if it was restricted for everyone, or just selected members, although I assume the Board members got the full packet. I'll just mention that this is the end of the digital archive I have been keeping since 2009 of the Board Packets, policy documents, and publications of the Market. I have no Secretary to appeal to in this matter. As digital archives are going to be the future of archiving, this is a loss that can not be estimated. It's tragic. 

The Bylaws state:   Section 9. Secretary: Powers and Duties. The secretary shall attend all meetings of the board of directors and shall keep and distribute or cause to be kept and distributed a true and complete record of the proceedings of those meetings. The Secretary shall give or cause to be given notice of all meetings of the directors and perform whatever additional duties the board of directors and the chairperson may from time to time prescribe.

If I were Secretary I would view this as an ethical breach of my duties and would be forced to resign, but of course I already did that and now there is no Secretary or even a designated acting Secretary. The minutes are stripped of most of the content except for the new addition of  everyone's role (such as Board member:,) and there is no discussion included of any of the issues. This creates an additional class of membership, taking away the equal members status of anyone who wants to speak at the meeting. Identifying the person's role adds (or subtracts) weight to their comments and instead of clarifying the discussion, masks the appearance of a discussion and leads to the assumption that much is being left out and dismissed.

Traditionally our minutes, like those of any membership organization, have been comprehensive and detailed to serve as an information conduit to members who for whatever reason choose not to attend the meetings, so that they can keep up with issues and be assured that points they feel should be included in the discussion are brought up. Without the discussion points, members wonder if their perspective is being considered. For instance, when the fee increase was discussed, I asked a Board member if anyone had mentioned that it was a regressive method of increase, as that is a point I always tried to make when increases were considered. Being assured that it was brought up, I had no need to communicate that perspective in person: my views were being represented. Without those discussion points, members have no idea whether or not they are being represented by those people the membership elected to serve.

Serve is an important operating word: directors and officers are elected to serve the organization and the members. Not to rule. Not to just "support staff" as the election campaign code words indicated. All of us support staff. We make the money to pay them. We carefully consider our impacts on them so that all members can be served. This is why I have never felt that everyone should be calling the office or going in person to ask all of our many questions and to get the information and details we need to feel properly led. We ask our friendly Board member representatives, we read the newsletters, we read the Board packets and we read the policies and documents supplied by the staff so that they can do their operational jobs and not be overwhelmed by having to serve individual member needs and interrupt their work with concerns that the members could satisfy themselves. Somewhere this went out the window. I submit that staff costs could be greatly reduced if members were not continually encouraged to call the office but instead be pointed to the ways they could get the needed information. 

Gatekeeping is the control tactic that withholds access to information and requires permission, insider status, or some kind of loyalty pledge to get what should be commonly shared information to all members. We need to see committee reports to know if we should go to the committee meeting or work through one if its members to share our concerns or ideas. We need the staff reports to know if our staff is doing what we need them to be doing. We absolutely need the financial data to know how healthy our organization is, as it is our money, it determines our present and future livability, and we as members are still as directly responsible for the health and legality of our organization as anyone is. Most of us take this seriously and do our share, many times more than our share. In return we expect information, and more than that, we expect trust.

Gatekeeping the Board packet in a letter just told all members that we are not trusted by the power structure to have access to information about our money, our plans, our operations, or our governance. We are not trusted. Yet we are still asked to trust, but that is just not going to be possible. Trust is continually built through openness and honesty. The letter made the thin argument that it is not required by law to share information with the members. However, we have had a 55-year agreement with our members that all information would be shared (with some small protections for legal and personnel details that should be kept confidential for reasons of respect.) Our members have been trusted for over five decades to have the best interests of Market at heart. With that trust, we are able to extend a trust relationship to our representatives, staff, and each other. That trust is now broken.

From the membership agreement we all signed:  all members have equal access to the
same benefits, rights and services. From the information for new members: Getting Involved with Your Market: Saturday Market is a Member run organization that relies on Member input for guidance and inspiration. The Board of Directors, Standards, Holiday Market, and Sustainability meet monthly, and Food Committees meet as scheduled. Market Members are always welcome to join committees or just sit in to see how the Market works behind the scenes. Committee meetings are listed in each week’s Market newsletter, and on the Market Calendar on our website.

These duties and responsibilities for members can not be done without access to the current information as previously been freely given via the Board packets, minutes, and open discussions.This action to restrict packet access is in direct violation of the principles we have operated by for 55 years.

I have invested my life in this market, with service and responsibility that has operated for the 50 years I have been involved. A list of the accomplishments I have been able to make because of the mutual trust would fill pages. Some significant ones include writing many policies and updates as Secretary, in service to the Board, launching the archives project, securing grant funds to support it, creating promotional materials, merchandise, supplying screenprinting services for many fundraising campaigns, operational needs, and extras we couldn't afford, and bringing forward Lotte's legacy and the early history that our founders recorded for us. I helped as a member of the 3-person team who negotiated with the city and architects regarding the redesign project, and took on the additional role of emailing members weekly about details they needed to know. It has been possible for me to work as unpaid staff to get us through the pandemic, the management crises after we lost our GM in 2021, and support for staff throughout our history as a Board Chair, Secretary, and regular volunteer all along. At times this was a full-time job, at no cost to the market. I have always given more than I have gained. 

I am now treated in a hostile manner by staff, fellow members, Board members and officers. The loss of the trust relationship has been more demoralizing than I can express, and if this has not happened to you, if you have not extended decades of dedicated and principled service, and then been marginalized and maligned, I am happy for you. It has been the most discouraging experience of my lifetime and I carry it every day. I resigned a year ago for ethical reasons and I have not put down responsibility and service during this year, though it has been clear that my service is unwanted and unappreciated. 

However, I do not feel I have any influence or shared respect to help correct this current crisis that is a monumental change to our membership understanding and our basis of existence as a mutual benefit organization. I implore anyone reading this to take action to convey to the Board what has just been excised in another instance of the end justifying the means. Being afraid or suspicious of one, a few, or even a group of members who hold different opinions about an issue or policy or situation can not justify taking away the access of all of us to informed participation in our organization. Punishing all for the perceived and misunderstood actions of a few is a recurring solution to problems that has crippled our organization during the current administration. 

We are in financial peril, with many members experiencing lost payments, restricted access to methods of payment, and the use of our funds for purposes in which we have no opportunity for input. In addition, members are being personally attacked with anger at committee meetings, with no intervention by the staff in the room, and via the Notice of Concern system, being disciplined in humiliating ways by staff, with membership revocation being used as a solution to members who complain or make mistakes. Our selling opportunities have been cancelled without our input.  

Our longstanding commitment to empathy and mutual trust is gone. Our members are afraid to speak up, to speak with each other, and volunteers are disappearing to the point where we will lose our committee system as well as the viability of Holiday Market. New volunteers do not bring the institutional knowledge that seasoned volunteers hold, yet such members are being pushed out as "privileged" or irrelevant while unneeded reconstructions are made of things that were not broken. 

Our organization depends on member contribution, dialogue, shared problem-solving, and trust. Ask yourself who is destroying this, and why. Please do what you can and support others who are working in the best interests of the membership.  

Summer Projects

 I love summer, and now that OCF is wrapped, it is my time for summer projects. I got to most of the garlic just in time, but still have tons of weeding to do and have to restore my raspberry patch this year in the process. I just want to be outside all of the time, no matter how hot it is. 

At the same time, my body is telling me my ambitions are too high. I still hurt in several places from all of the work of Fair, and haven't gone out to clean up my site yet, which I really need to do this week. As it involves lifting wood, I'm dreading it a bit. The site after the event is always so dried out, beaten down and hard-used, it makes me vow to go out more when it is fresh, watered, and lush. Spring flowers are incredible there. I absolutely must spread out my work there too, as trying to do all the set-up in two days was just way too hard this year. 

Market is barely manageable, as my new shoes didn't prove to be miracle-working, as I'd hoped. The foot I broke 13 years ago is showing me its longterm conditions for use, and I am not catching on to the adaptions I'm having to make. I simply cannot stand all day long so will need a high stool to sit on, so I can still be at customer eye level but able to rest the foot. Of course that won't help the back problems, or the other things I need to accommodate, but I'm hoping my new improved attitude will allow a bit less avoidance and a bit more realistic change.

Meanwhile, avoidance of Market politics isn't working as things get more toxic. More members are becoming targets of harassment for what is essentially questioning the decisions of the power structure, which are being delivered in a "if you disagree there is something wrong with you" manner. We no longer have a consensus-seeking process, we have an in-group agreement to push aside anyone who represents a different opinion, and this has spread to many topics, but it's most egregious when it comes to the efforts to make all members comply with all "guidelines" which are no longer suggestions for best practices but laws with "consequences" attached and control and domination tactics employed to get compliance. Humiliation at the hands of your fellow equal members is becoming common.

Numerous members have been labeled "mentally ill" or "disturbed" if they persist in making their disagreements known. I remember when I first sensed I was put in that category, and it was subtle but twisted. An angry person had dropped his suitcase near my booth, but I hadn't heard him say something threatening about it. All I saw was a suitcase in the aisle so I moved it to the corner out of the way. The story came back to me as something that had been chuckled about, that in a ditzy way, I had acted just like a silly old woman would have, and that was so endearing. I do not find my characterization as a silly old woman endearing. I think I have proven that I am a sharp, critically thinking and extremely capable seasoned person, and any diminution of my personal power is a calculated robbery of my standing and effectiveness as a member. That was just the tip of an iceberg as it turned out. 

The tactic of labeling someone as disturbed or crazy is super effective when people don't have direct experience with that person, but place their faith in the opinion of someone in power. It is being used to prepare others to take punitive action against another member, piling up "evidence" carefully to destroy that person's credibility and warp their actions into something suspicious or threatening. Evidence includes people you are seen speaking with, (you must be conspiring, even though you are maybe talking about your products or anything, even the weather), offhand remarks taken out of context, comments you might have made in person or on social media that could have been meant in completely different ways, such as jokes, and infractions you might have made against the many rules. Or you squinting into the sun in the direction of someone who takes offense and sees you as casting the evil eye on them. Any action or statement is fair game.

I used to say that we all had that one rule we didn't follow, but now that might be used in a list of things you do to oppose management control. I don't joke about that now. Our traditional freedom to retain some independence as individual business owners is being taken as some kind of disloyalty that makes us dangerous to the org. There is only one allowed position and that is to support the management in every decision and intent. 

This is of course resulting in a visible lack of volunteers and support for organizational efforts. No one wants that Secretary job, which involves responsibility and a close working relationship with the GM. No one wants to be on the committees where the atmosphere is highly controlled and not collaborative. There's some idea that everything has to be unanimous as if different opinions were destructive or dangerous. Hey, votes have three cateories...approve, disapprove, stand aside. All valid and all helpful in getting to the "elegant solutions" that work the best.

The scariest part is the punishment era we are in where members build cases to terminate the memberships of their equals. When disagreement is a threat, and members are labeled as "unmanageable" it is seen as acceptable to take away their access to the community, the opportunity to make their livings, and to ban them from the marketplace. I don't see how any member can do this without that gut feeling that they themselves could be next. This has never been part of our culture. Someone would have to actually commit a dangerous crime to have their membership taken away. We have always maintained that our diversity is our strength, and that lots of different opinions, styles, and ways to be creative were acceptable and desired, to keep us lively, accessible, and thriving. Conformity has never been something we imposed or even saw as necessary to begin with. 

But every kind of diversity is threatening to this power structure. If domination and control tactics don't work, those with voting power are told false narratives about people being unmanageable, dangerous, and necessary to remove for the protection of the GM. Instead of having someone able to do many types of management that would be effective, when her tactics don't work, she constructs a case that no one could do better and removal of the offender is the only solution. 

I want an end to termination of membership as a possibility while this is dealt with as a negative aspect of our current structure that will destroy us. It is seriously offensive. It is authoritarian and seeing otherwise reasonable people engage in these actions is so very demoralizing. No one is safe from this. 

I do not feel safe at Market, not safe to engage in my longterm friendships, to express my opinions, to engage in any market dialogues or online discussions, not safe to pose solutions or questions, not safe to write this essay. I know there is already a case against me, though it hasn't been documented with Notices of Concern yet or whatever might be in store for me. Ask yourself if someone in their 50th year of participation, having always acted in responsibility and service, feels threatened, what must someone new be feeling? The scrutiny is always there. I am being watched. I'm being judged by my associations, perceived attitudes, sharing observations, attempting to point things out that go against our shared values. 

And if I am, so are you. Is this what you want every week when you show up? Do you feel like an outsider while you see an in-group rejecting other equal members? Are you preferring silence to looking for solutions? 

I don't know how to fix this. I'm working on it. But I do know that I am not crazy, and my observations are not because I am mentally ill...and neither are yours. Take heart. Truth and justice are powerful and they won't hide.  

Golden moments are more than just dust in the sun

Super dusty Fair, which had the upside of making bandanas a hot property, but then it was really physically hot too and sales were lower than they would have been. And everything, everything, is brown with dust. I'm a bit afraid to open the totes, as even my products might need to be washed or the prices lowered. That's on for tomorrow. Today I had two zooms so I had to function and communicate and keep doing laundry. I need a vacation.

I didn't have enough workers so had to be there selling the whole time, which meant no shopping, no strolling over to Xavanadu for lunch, or much of anything besides work and exhaustion. But I still managed to somewhat recapture the love I have for the community we built out there and all of its far-reaching effects.

If there is going to be a better, more compassionate world, it will be because people like the ones I know out there have worked their whole lives to create and nurture it. Our kids, and our grandkids get it, and carry it forward in inspiring ways. I feel again like we will get through these times and on to somewhat easier ones again.

Except for the climate emergency. We are not getting out of that. I generally love it when nature takes over and takes away our human superiority complex and we are humbled. I'm grateful it didn't rain, as that tree that grows in my living space makes it impossible to keep things dry, even with the many tarps and gear I take out there for that eventuality. It has certainly happened a few times but this time it was dry dry dry. I'm still parched. 

The worst part was the hundreds and thousands of rocks in the path and all over the ground. Stepping on rocks drove my foot injury wild. My right foot hurt the whole time. Now that I am back my neck and hands are painfully complaining about all the lifting and overwork. The first two days of setup were way too hard on my body. Next year I have to carve out some time to get out there and do some prefair site prep. Gone are the days when there were volunteers and staff to help with that. Water crew messed up and couldn't fill the path-watering barrels so that caused the overwhelming dust problem. I don't blame the volunteers. One factor that we discussed was that when the older volunteers leave, they generally don't mentor successors or have a process for making sure all the hard-gained knowledge is passed to the new members of the crew. I'm sure some do, but it is just hard and complicated to compile institutional knowledge when it rests in dedicated people who sometimes leave without being ready or emotionally settled enough to help who's left.

Much like what happened with my job at Market. I wasn't able to find anyone to mentor in the many aspects, though I did document most of it as an extended job description. Right before Fair some market members started trying to figure out what a Secretary is supposed to do, and I was able to provide that, but didn't have time or energy to discuss what wasn't working and won't just start working with a new person in the position.

Many of the tasks or responsibilities in my description require a lot of collaboration with staff, either the manager or whomever is the main Board support person on staff. We just don't have that person on our staff now. We had it for a minute with Veronica, but that didn't last long enough to get out ahead of all the things that were being undone by staff that didn't know or care how to support volunteers. The top priority of the GM seems to be controlling member behaviors and working to harass and remove members from their uses of their powers to contribute. She isn't a collaborator. The gaps in her knowledge and her desire to learn about her job and our org are debilitating for the org. When I think about what we could be experiencing it makes me so sad. 

I may prioritize finishing up 2019 archiving as we were pretty much at the top of our success during that 50th season. We had a manager doing a decent job, working with a team of workers who were doing fairly well under her direction. When she left they kind of fell apart, but hid that. Over the years since then, we have lost a lot, a lot of knowledge, many volunteers who have been pushed out for various reasons, and a new era of crisis management and drama which means we can't make any progress into getting back into shape. We're overextended in so many ways and our ethical standards and shared values and sense of intention are at odds, our members divided and confused. We have no transparency and manipulation and lies are the norm. It was a relief to have a week off from it. 

While I feel energized and capable, I am very wary of re-entering any type of responsibility or service with the org until we change staff, and I feel compelled to work toward that change despite how difficult and demoralizing it has been. I fear if we don't do it soon we will set even more destructive policy changes and erosion of values in place that we won't be able to recover from. Members who leave seldom return. There isn't an endless number of members, or willing volunteers. 

I hear unthinkable cultural attitudes that I don't believe are true or fair, such as blaming slow change on dug-in old people who refuse change. I think that is a false narrative that has never been true and isn't now. All of the people I worked with embraced change just fine, when it was improvement, refinement, and new technique and skills. Change just for itself is not an improvement. There has to be a purpose in it. Charging members more money won't create the changes we need, it will just support the wasteful and irresponsible overspending we have been seeing.

We need our committees to be restored to doing their jobs, and making the recommendations that are needed, which would then be carried out instead of opposed and defied by the GM. The Board would direct the staff, not just rubberstamp what she wants to do. We have never been ruled by an autocrat, especially one with so many hidden and destructive impulses and plans. We have always been a sensible, fiscally responsible organization that spent within our means and honored our commitment to support emerging artists as well as those who depend on the market for our livelihoods. 

Fair has its issues but things seem to be turning a bit in a more sensible direction as people catch on to the damage that can be and is being done by narcissistic, controlling manipulators in high positions. Our small business owners like honesty, transparency, justice, and truth. We will bring these values back and hold onto them. Gathering in such a large group out in the woods just reinforced that. 

It felt good. I was even able to be friendly to people I'd been avoiding. Drama faded away and it felt good to be me doing what I can do so well. I felt restored and hopeful most of the time. Now I have to hold onto that and make it come back down on the Park Blocks too. 

A Girl Can Dream

 I'm still having fun printing bandanas. I'm sure I have way too many but these may not go out of style for awhile. 

And I'm not sure I can say this enough. Down with fascism. 

Hot topics are too hot

 So much too hot for screenprinting and deflecting bullies. The piling on of bullies on even the concept of an unofficial group like the one Ash started is outing a lot of controlling people and people intent on supporting a controlling agenda. When the OCF groups started (I think it was before the pandemic, when the power politics came in, or maybe before that even) there was a flood of bullies trying to shut down the groups, their discussions, and people's ability to express dissenting opinions or even explore their reactions to official acts. It took awhile to balance out, and resulted in people leaving the community when they found out how willing others were to spread misery. On the site I like, Negative shit we don't want to talk about, we kick the bullies out after explaining that we are essentially a serious but snarky site that isn't for everyone. It's a lovely community for the most part.

It seems not connected to what's happening at market, but actually it is. There are leaders in both memberships and staffs who have been there and subscribed to this new control fantasy that you can get hundreds or thousands of members to only talk about and to accept the company line. This obviously is not possible and is a control fantasy. Now, in a move that is so predictable yet shocking, the market site has been closed down to any but admins and posts they approve, until Wed. night they say. Even after deleting some bullying comments, it looks like they can't handle the free speech issues raised by the people they don't like. They couldn't just delete all the bullying, because some of it was being done by their favorites. 

As an admin I tried to let bullying sit a minute for people to see it, and then ask the person to moderate their comments or I'd remove them. Often they would moderate themselves and the discussions could go on. But those times were so much more trusting than these. It's hard to explain that things worked so much better with trust, when obviously it only took one or two untrustworthy people to come in and turn us upside down. 

Controllers and narcissists and bullies use similar tactics to take you down and at minimum, discourage you from speaking up, particularly on social media but also in real life. I've gotten schooled so many times from people that insist that whether or not I have an official position, I am a leader and it is my responsibility to stay on message with the power structure and encourage and guide everyone else to do that too. When I had a position, I did feel the pressure of my duty of loyalty, obedience, and care to do what I could to support the company line, until it became an oppression of my moral values and ethics. And then, I quit my positions in both organizations and was surprisingly not more free to express myself, because the bullies didn't really care what kind of pressure they had to use on me, they still found types of pressure to use.

My duty of loyalty is to the organizations, not to their power structures, like our duties in real life are to our communities, our families, our constitution, not to people who want to use power over us. We don't have to do what they want us to. Boundaries are very maddening to controlling people. They tend to deepen and shift their tactics to less direct ones, which if you try even a little bit you can see operating.

One way is that they change the ways they speak about you. Instead of me resigning after many dedicated years of service, I "left them in the lurch." Instead of the person I had always shown myself to be, I was now somehow someone else, according to the stories that filtered back to me. I'm an easy person to bully...I tend to keep my accomplishments and such to myself, and just let my work speak for me. I did a really thorough and more than competent job as an officer, with depths of effort that did not show, but now I am categorized as someone who made "egregious failures." It goes on and on. 

It has not been easy to learn how to not allow myself to be bullied, to learn to set boundaries and not care so much. It is necessary, however. They have many tactics to draw you into traps, like the post asking for my participation in a discussion of the GM position and issues. The same person who continues to disparage me all of a sudden "valued my input." The set-up was obviously provocative. 

I made a promise to myself when I turned 75 that I would no longer accept the presence of bullies in my life. I blocked a couple on social media, and when they try to engage with me I am not available for it. I pull back opportunities for them to use me. It's not pleasant. I'm not used to it. I am getting more skilled at it, though.

I know some of you readers have not done the study of bullying and narcissism I have done over the last decade, and you will make the common judgement that I am not rational on the subject and manufacturing evidence to show myself as a victim. Study up. There is a ton of information on the internet that will teach you some of the tactics, and the many nuances of how they are hidden behaviors for the most part. 

You may not have registered the changes in our organizations since these controlling people came along. You may be confused as to why people are fighting, intolerant, "spewing negativity" (a common criticism of any disagreement) and struggling to participate fully. I am here to tell you that the culture of bullying is being fostered from the top. You can see that in national politics, and it is no different in our microcosm. People with power are using it to hurt and control and dominate others. People who won't accept that domination are being targeted with punishment, banishment, and shunning. 

It's always my policy to not trash individual volunteers who are trying, I am sure, to do their best, even when I disagree with their opinions or tactics. I might speak about their positions, or their behaviors, but I am not here to name names. You will need to figure out that part for yourselves. But use your gut feelings, ask questions, and make observations. Watch how dissenting opinions are handled. Watch what happens when someone resists compliance.

I have to get back into the very hot shop and print some black hoodies, which as you can imagine, is something I do not want to do today. But I will. Because my client treats me with respect and lets me know I am valued, worth what I charge, and my dependability is honored. I have let the clients go who don't treat me that way. My life is better for it.  

A wild and windy day on the Park Blocks

 Yesterday's Market was more restorative than it has been lately, probably because the PRIDE parade came through and we got to feel more a part of things. I felt that the market management hadn't been very welcoming to the NO KINGS and other political protests, as I saw people being asked to not hold their signs up within the market, and being handed a flyer that I did not see. Plus what hit the media was kind of prioritizing our commerce over what the community wanted to do, which I think is a bad look that separates us from the community. I think what the community wants is more important than what our event wants, even though that is sometimes hard to think through.

This has been playing out in several ways in the last few years, after we got such amazing community support during the pandemic, and should have continued to show our gratitude for that. First thing was a grant proposal I wrote for a downtown program grant, which was intended to invite community partners to get free booths in the closed streets for their own fundraising, to celebrate our connections and honor their nonprofit goals, which benefit all of us. I did this as a volunteer with staff approval, and it took many hours, as any of you who apply for grants will know. (Sometime I will tell the story of a grant proposal I was asked to do for a $26,000 grant that I put about 10 days into, which was fumbled.)

But we didn't get the $5000, and the event then morphed into the Sustainability thing we had on Oak where members and others who had sustainability focuses got booths, which was a much different thing and not the original vision. I had stepped out, and left organization to staff, and there wasn't much organization. The Kareng Fund was told we couldn't do our planned raffle so we didn't do a booth, as our resources are too limited to just do outreach. Anyway, that was one opportunity lost to thank our community partners, although there were some nonprofit booths and I hope they were supported. I know we still allow free nonprofit spaces, but without any notice in the newsletter of who they are, I don't have time to run over to find them and decide if I want to pitch them some cash, which I generally like to do when I can. I'd love to see them listed, and at HM too. 

I noticed Farmers had or are having a similar event to what I had envisioned, with a lot of nonprofits, but they seem to be able and interested in featuring a lot of community partners and although I think we are asked, we don't generally feature them, to my satisfaction anyway. But then farmers allow free tote bags and stuff to be given away by those partners, so it's not always without issues.

Another way we didn't show community support was the attempt to displace the Artists and Authors Fair from the Atrium at HM. That wasn't successful, but they were pressured to move to one of the side meeting rooms so the vision of changing the HM map to shift to a different traffic pattern could happen. I know that if the general public knew we did that, it would look really bad for us, but as it didn't succeed it didn't get too public. It may not be over, but again, there seemed to be such disregard for other groups by the so-important Saturday Market. My feeling is that we have no need to do things like that...our importance is already in place, self-evident, and we are best just being part of the whole, not a dominating force.

But of course domination and control is now part of our ethos, from the top down. It scares me that our culture can be that easily changed, although there has been resistance. There seems to be an effort to marginalize those of us who carry these "old" values that used to be our guiding values...but since we haven't had any kind of visioning retreats since before Kirsten was manager, we've lost touch with the group knowledge that we always have carried forward proudly, that we cared about all of us, kept options open for people struggling, had ideals that we considered in every decision. Some of that is still happening, no doubt, as we do have caring people and many of them, but it tends to be embodied in certain ones of us, and not everyone.

And the false narratives take their toll. The "mean members" narrative keeps coming up, that it is so hard for our manager because we members won't do what she says. Yes, we don't all follow all the rules, and we are a giant group of people, so I don't know why it would ever be expected that we would have 100% compliance with any rule. The idea is to have group agreements that make sense so that it is easy to follow them, because for the most part, people's needs are met. But sure, some people don't have as strong of a group ethic, are more individualistic, and need help seeing why they might want to get closer to following any particular rule. 

Previous managers just did their best to encourage general agreement with good examples themselves, having ethics of their own, fostering trust, community building, clear communications, realistic expectations, and whatever else they could do to appeal to our better natures. Members make better and lasting changes in their behaviors when they see the benefits. Punishing them and trying to manipulate them has never worked, and in fact has the effect of creating opposition and dissatisfaction and that is more what our problems are about now. People are being targeted, punished and threatened and are reacting badly to that. I mean, I won't go to meetings, and I love meeting process and as Secretary was required to attend every meeting for the last fifteen years, and was happy to be there. When meetings started to be held without me, I saw a huge red flag. They were called other things besides Board meetings, but when a quorum of Board members are in attendance, that is legally a Board meeting. And our bylaws require a Secretary, and minutes. Special meetings, town halls, annual meetings, orientations, whatever they are called, require minutes and some kind of officer in place taking responsibility. So yeah, I hope someone steps up to be Secretary at this next Board meeting. I always felt it was the most important official role, protecting the public record, the legality, and the ethical standards of the organization, for the members. 

I'm never opposed to change, if that is what the members want, but it has to be informed, careful change that doesn't only benefit those in the room. The recent fee increase came without data, such as how many members we have who are struggling at the low end of income, and how much more this would cost them in relation to their sales. For instance, a member near me this past week made $20. So they paid $22 in fees. Obviously a few weeks of that would lead them to give up, or start playing the system somehow for their own survival. There are plenty of people who really only sell well in the HM environment, and not as well on the Park Blocks. Our current system has a lot of people forced to sell on the PB for their HM points, putting pressure on the PB, so we turn away a lot of people who would like to sell, and we prioritize those who can afford to stick with it even when it isn't really working for them. In the beginning it was intentional to keep spaces available at HM for SM members, so people couldn't just come in for "the cream" without drinking the weekly milk of the harder PB sales reality. Now I think we should look again and see if we can restructure that somehow to meet the different needs of the two groups of members. It would need a task force and a lot of careful analysis, so it won't probably be a task for this particular power structure, but maybe someday it could be addressed. 

Decisions about these types of things can not be quickly made. There are always unintended effects, and we are now experiencing the effects of the decision to expand HM. That isn't over. There will be more with this new HM map. Someone pointed out that it is very convenient that we now have what I call the corner tax, which is an additional $20 a weekend for corner spaces, and our new map has a much larger number of corners. This is kind of a hidden fee increase, that kind of made sense, but now kind of looks more like a subterfuge.

Because trust has been broken. We just don't have it. We have members who won't talk to each other, members who are targeted for harassment, members who are punished and many who are afraid to speak. Under the disingenuous plea for "unity," it has become dangerous to disagree. It's routinely unpleasant and there are surely members who have quit rather than try to weather it. Some are fighting for their survival and right to participate. Our election was compromised with negative campaigning which worked. People who didn't toe the company line were rejected by rumor, innuendo, and outright lies. It was highly demoralizing. It was exhausting.

I've been hypervigilant so long it seems like it's constant. Since I'm overworking right now, it's very hard. I feel that it's important for me to declare that without market, I will lose my house and my ability to survive the coming years. I know I am not the only one. Will this flawed power structure take my livelihood away from me? A few years ago, I would not have even considered this a possibility. Now, I do. I do not feel like they care about me. Remember when we used to say we wanted to "keep everyone in the basket?" It wasn't that long ago. 

One half hour is all I can manage today

 Wish I had less work to do and more time to rest, but this is a push to get everything ready for OCF and I know every minute counts. The yard is out of control and so many things are not getting finished, but I'll get to them in August (I say that now.)

Had thoughts about the election and was appreciative that the results were shared in the newsletter, including the many write-ins. I think this was the first year that Frog did not bet a vote. Sad. 

The negative campaigning worked well, to the shame of the historical record, and I hope this does not become the way things are done going forward. The three people targeted in written and spoken encounters with members did not get elected and their totals were much lower than they would have been. As a membership it turns out we are easily manipulated...no surprise there.  Many of us do not know each other are are willing to follow what seems easiest. We did elect some responsible people though, so I am happy to let this Board get to know each other and learn to work together. I hope each one of them takes the time to really explore the policies, guidelines, and especially the history so they feel prepared to lead us. We have plenty of challenges to navigate. 

A good portion of us, at least a third, are quite dissatisfied with how things are going and we'll soon see the effects of the recent financial decisions. The fee increase starts this weekend, and what is "just $5 more " to some might spell the end of the line for others. We always have plenty of people on the margins who really will not feel they can afford paying more for everything. The Board indicated at the Town Hall that more increases are planned, which I hope they will reconsider. 

I also want them to reconsider forcing all of us to take two weeks off in November. For anyone with a craft that is mailable, this will cost sales for sure. We lose the momentum of being a community gathering and make ourselves unavailable right as the buying season picks up, and I resent losing two important paydays. This will further increase member dissatisfaction, as staff will still get paid...they will not be laid off for two weeks. Holiday Market should not be driving the Park Blocks choices. I knew when one November market was cancelled, that would start a bad trend. It was misrepresented then and now is just being ignored. 

As we saw this last Saturday, weather is a real factor and although a lot of people came, we all got wet, and we all made a bit less and the crowds attracted to all of the downtown events did not necessarily translate to a crafts-buying crowd. I did fine, but everything did have to be dried out so I spent Sunday hanging bags outside with the popup, walls and weights all needing to be in the sun. Fortunately we had sun on Sunday. But it added up to less income for the day for the Market, and with Pride moved to the Fairgrounds, we may see fewer sales this week as well, and we haven't even gotten to the high heat and smoke days we may get this summer. We just are not guaranteed solid income. 

We're willing to work for it. It would help if we as members felt that we were in a team with our power structure so let's hope this new Board will be able to turn that feeling on again for us. I'm always optimistic.

I like this new FB group that will focus on helping members understand the policies, structure, and how organizations can work in healthy ways to meet the needs of the members. A mutual benefit membership organization is a rarity and ours is very precious, so we want to protect it from erosion of the values and goals that will keep us thriving. We need all the methods and opportunities people are willing to try. I support the group and look forward to contributing as soon as I am not so busy and can have time. I suppose I will stay on FB a little longer to see about efforts like that.

Not commenting in the official members group though. I don't need that kind of bullying in my life.

See you Saturday! 

I was wrong on the internet! Oh my.

I was wrong on the internet this week. I don't mind being wrong that much, but the amount of energy expended to correct me was surprising. That affected me. Am I really the sanctimonious asshole they seemed to think I am? Maybe...

When I was on the inside, with all of the information, such as the election results, I didn't know how it felt to not have that access. I have always been trusted in the past, so if I wanted to know something, I could expect an answer, and I also had access to the places to look for it. I'm sure because I knew the election results numbers, it didn't occur to me how it looked hidden to others. We did post them on the HM office wall, and I do believe we shared them widely in the earlier days, but at some point it became the culture to keep them quiet out of deference to those who didn't get many votes. This had something to do with the concept of equal members in its thought, but when I tried to think of any other elections when this is done, I couldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to protect the feelings of people who put themselves up for election.

Just as it doesn't make sense to protect the feelings of people on the internet...or anyway it is not the practice. But I can't stop thinking about the concept of the flying monkeys in the narcissism realm...those people who carry out the wishes of the narcissist with or without their direction, but as a part of their defenses. It seems to me now that every time I speak up I am attacked by the flying monkeys who assume my bad intent whether or not I have any. 

I wasn't questioning the results or the process of the election, although in fact the negative campaigning was extremely questionable and to my mind, highly inappropriate and unethical. The fact that it worked makes it worse I think. The way the election was so strongly broadcast was not the usual practice, but getting more people to vote is not a bad thing in itself. I feel there were hidden motives of control and domination, but calling out hidden motives is the kind of assumption I don't want done to me, so I didn't do that publicly. Except it was assumed I had. So I was attacked for those assumptions, even though to my mind I had made a reasonable statement that I thought the members would appreciate more transparency, not saying "because now the trust relationship is gone."

It is for me, anyway. I'll repeat that this has been devastating to me after 50 years of a very comforting trust relationship. Being on the inside meant I did see some transgressions, and made some myself, but I always felt that good people were doing their best, and we have a majority of good people, who do seem to be doing their best.

But now we also have these attackers, and maybe we always have, but it seems so much more apparent when they are attacking me. I guess being as self-centered as the next person, it took making it personal to really make me see and feel it. I'm all for new experiences but this has not been at all fun. 

Thinking back, I have been attacked, but I was always just able to get past it by knowing those people were damaged and in pain and still, doing their best, even if it felt destructive. I'm just not sure that is really the case now. I was all set to extend compassion to this person but now she said as Secretary I was guilty of apparently many egregious failures, and maybe she knows what they were, as I sure don't. I know I sure was putting in lots of hours for free. I was always so supportive it embarrasses me now. Just thinking that my legacy of giving has been reduced to many egregious failures in one FB post, again, I feel devastated. Will my membership termination follow? For having different opinions? 

I want to rant, but that will likely make me feel worse. I will, however, have to spend the rest of the day reminding myself of all the ways I have not committed egregious failures. I feel stupid that someone that hasn't, to my memory, ever even spoken with me at market, can take me down that low in a few comments. To me, my worst failure has been the overly supportive roles I have played to keep the market alive and well at the expense of my own life. There's that half of my livingroom filled with the archives, too. Fuuuuccckkkk. 

For those of you new to reading this blog, I haven't shared it on Facebook since 2020 when one of my posts got algorithmed and it made me uncomfortable. Context is important with this writing, because it is personal and not really for wide broadcasting. I don't have to be right in here, just honest. I'm not going to allow personal attacks based on what people read in here (if I can even tell that's happening.) I don't really want a lot of discussion about my writing, either. This is a place where I share my thought process, where I reason through things, and it is my right and my process for understanding, so fuck right off if you don't like what you read.

That said, I welcome you as new readers, sent here by a friend sharing it on FB. It's not a huge amount of readers, so I'm not ready to shut things down, but I do feel like you need context to understand where I am in any individual post. So you might want to read back, as these go back a lot of years. Back to when I was in a trust relationship with market, and I was on the inside, as an officer, and I was doing my best like every volunteer is supposed to be doing.

I'm no saint. I make assumptions and am wrong, have strong convictions and hold grudges, which I try to work on over time. I feel like one of the people attacking me this week was someone with whom I actually have a lot in common, and they were just having different memories. Theirs turned out to be true and mine, well, rosy at best and false at worst. As Secretary I always tried to take the high road as hard as I knew how to, and I probably did come off as a sanctimonious asshole at times. I tend to use formal language in articulating things and that comes off cold and distant on the internet...I do remember writing her one letter delegated to me by the Chair, in response to a pressing member issue. Writing letters to mad members never worked out for me, no matter how much compassion I tried to extend. 

Not an excuse. I am a people pleaser (recovering) and I often deferred to others in making group decisions. I like to say I led from the middle. What the members wanted, I tried to do. I didn't want to fight, just tried to accommodate.

Probably some of what is happening with me now is I am trying to learn not to accommodate, and not to defer to bullying. When I turned 75 last month I gave myself the gift of banning bullies from my spheres...I just won't interact with them. It's not easy to do! Boundaries are not my natural inclination. I more naturally drop my defenses and try to remain vulnerable and with accessible emotions. That, of course, rarely works on the internet.

Anyway, be advised that I am speaking for myself now, not echoing any company line or part of any particular group or movement in microcosmic or macrocosmic politics. I'm trying to think for myself and do what I feel is the most ethical thing for me, as I have to live with my actions. So you may not like them. Feel free not to read this.

Rainy Saturday on the way! They are predicting as much as half an inch. I'm kind of looking forward to it, strangely. I like feeling strong. Yesterday I printed over 300 prints, fiddly thin bandanas and way too many of them. It hurt several body parts and for the first time in ages I took some ibuprofen. I need to do that more often I guess. Suffering doesn't help me think rationally.

See you tomorrow...suit up. 

Monday Morning in the Busiest of Seasons

 Waiting for the election results from Saturday, which was such a wild day! Yet another officer of pour Board indulged in negative campaigning, which is still so inappropriate to me. I know people are convinced they are right, but have they forgotten that everyone is generally convinced they are right? I guess it takes some maturity to admit that there might be more to a situation than you are told or perceive. 

In this case she did the ethical thing to recuse herself from her official duties, but they happened to be overseeing the election, so as members we were left without any officer overseeing such an important election. So for us to complain about the negative campaigning, character assassination of a fellow member, or any of the process, where do we go with those complaints?

The ballots said to vote for 6, not up to six, so at least one person was told they could submit a second ballot with a note on the envelope to throw out the first one. Not covered in the policy, sadly, and maybe no damage is done if the procedure is followed to the letter, with all memberships verified before the envelopes are opened and set aside. Because if they are already opened, there will be no way to find the person's first ballot, resulting in an illegal vote.

And, the GM was again going around collecting ballots from members, which is just not an okay practice. I saw this at the last election as well. That practice gives her the opportunity to destroy certain ballots she doesn't want counted. Not saying she would resort to that, but the appearance of impropriety amounts to impropriety when it comes to electing your own bosses. Staff is supposed to have no part in the elections but putting together the ballots, and providing the ballot box on Saturday. 

There have been improper election procedures ever since this GM was hired. Staff has gone ahead and set the dates, made and provided the ballots, and has never consulted beforehand with the Head Teller or Secretary, when I was in that position. One time they decided that the election would be held on two Saturdays instead of one. I had to dial them back several times in the beginning and even tell them the Secretary was in charge, which is clear in the policy and even in the bylaws. It shocked me every time that it was all taken so causally and this one is the worst yet.

I trust the Head Teller and the vote counters, and certainly hope they don't need an officer in the room to handle the count, but what if they do? Will the GM make those decisions for them about what ballots are valid and what ones aren't? Just because we have a good policy and procedure it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It's just another example of how important it is to back up our trust with impeccable procedures and responsible Board members and officers. 

I decided awhile ago to not be anxious about all that is happening, just to witness it and speak up about what I see, but we are a long way from a functional organization and it isn't the fault of members who ask hard questions. Trying to find a scapegoat in the membership is sad. 

We have a GM who is causing drama, dividing the membership, and forcing the board members to accommodate to her fears, lies and false narratives. Way too many people are buying into these false narratives. Ask any longterm member and you will find out we don't fight with each other normally. We all share the same goals, and we respect each other. To be such a divided membership we have had to be operated on by someone who has the goal of dividing us. She's not only doing it herself with targeted harassment, but using her other staff to harass and silence members who speak up in ways she feels the need to control.

I hope people wake up to this. We have to get out from under this management failure. The rammed-through fee increase will not address the practices of overspending and overstaffing us. Our staff is using what is supposed to be time for their operational duties to spend hours scolding members, drawing them into drama, and attempting to silence or discipline them. They are not supporting members, quite the opposite. One member at a time, people are figuring this out. 

More people need to figure this out. Ask some simple questions. Why are we fighting? Why are we allowing negative campaigning? Where is the competence and leadership we are paying for? Where is the drama really coming from?

Are we going to wait until we are really broke? Spending savings on the database and losing money on operations that should be profitable are scary. 

And by the way, it is another myth that Board service should only take a couple of hours a month. I spent such an embarrassing amount of time volunteering to cover tasks that were supposed to be done by staff that I wouldn't document it. I could go back in my journals, but it was probably forty to a hundred hours a month from mid-2021 to when I resigned in August 2024. Staff support was not only not there, but I had to prop them up. I was asked to "protect" the GM, a bizarre request. She is extremely good at getting other people to do her job. No wonder no one wants to volunteer for anything. Having ten people running for the Board and over a hundred people attending a Board meeting is not a sign of health. It's a crisis. 

I'm not expecting any quick changes either. I'm just trying to protect myself so that giving my life to the organization will not also mean letting it kill me. 

I have a lot of work to do! Saturday was extra exhausting with the constant wind, but I loved the protest crowds and all of the other groups, track people, graduation people, Father's Day people. Still, for some members, sales were not great. Big events sometimes translate to people not wanting to carry things or prioritizing their spending for food. The farmers weren't doing that well either. I had a normal day, but part of my success was the new bandanas. I took a whole extra grid to display them but it was too heavy and I need a better solution. I guess I will thin down my stock a little. Students will soon be gone anyway and I generally see a slump in sales until tourism picks up to bring new crowds, but of course we are not sure we will see as much tourism as usual. 

Okay, need to get out into the shop. Work hard, everyone! 

 

Elections and No Kings

 I'm enjoying making the protest bandanas. I don't really care if they sell to the protestors, but it's past time for me to make political items, as people have been asking me for them.

I got out screens from the Bush/Cheney era, when I did a ton of things, many in small editions that only a few people got, mostly as gifts. Selling political things is always hard, as you become a target for everyone's need for reassurance and talking about everything. It tends to dominate the day, so I have mostly not had a lot of them for the last while.

But action is needed right now so I am trying to convince myself to also bring my Jell-O piece tomorrow, maybe even wear it with the long tie, and put a sign on my back, maybe Impeach Me. Don't think it will enhance sales, but it would be fun, except for all the attention.

 I find so often now that people view me as someone irrational and dangerous, so I know gossip is being told about me that isn't true. That isn't at all who I am. I was told I was the most privileged person at market, as well, which doesn't even make sense to me. I think it's possible that people are viewing the point system as something that creates privilege in the longterm members, with the membership points. Of course that is a distorted view of both they system and privilege, as we all just still earn one point per day, and 1/5th of a point per year, and we earned them by coming every day. Me, a member for 50 years, has put in hundreds of selling days. I don't see how it adds up to privilege, but there are a lot of false narratives being put out there for people who want to believe them. 

This election  bothers me a lot, and I'll be glad when it is over. The amount of desperate politicking is drama from the top, with the narcissist and her enablers trying to make sure their power plays have results for their longevity in power. They will likely succeed, as I heard there are people going around recommending slates of candidates to people who are unsure of whom to believe. There's coded talk, too, and direct attacks as I wrote about last post. It shows weakness and fear.

I do have faith in our members to cut through the gaslighting and feel what feels right, but the false narrative that mean members hate staff and that kind of thing is harsh. People have legitimate issues with staff performance, training, competence, spending, and communication. Members are allowed to disagree with how things are being done. Attempts to squash disagreement just ring so hollow in the greater political atmosphere we are in.

Unfortunately, as we saw at OCF, power politics can be effective when people trust the people recommending a slate or what constitutes a party line, as we saw the M.A.G.I.C. group succeed in entrenching themselves and making a solid block with the ensuing effects of taking away people's idealism, enthusiasm and belief that they were a part of a cohesive membership. It divided the members and drove a lot of good people away from volunteering or participating, and continues to do so. 

It's happening now at our market, and it looks like it may have similar effects. I want to trust the members to recognize the tactics, but that's unlikely in the case of a lot of new members. Maybe some will catch on to things like the current situation of 5-hour Board meetings, emergency fee increases to cover overspending that has not been corrected, and ethically murky behaviors. Probably most of them are busy and not paying close attention to the internal workings...and it is not that easy to keep up.

I was accustomed to knowing about policy changes and getting paper and digital copies of them and am now realizing how hard it is to get those on the regular without being on the inside. I still get the Board packets, but the format is one that does not allow me to copy anything out, or use the link to the Policy and Procedures document, so I was not even aware there was an updated Elections policy document. I feel kind of stupid about that, but when I did try to get a copy, I had to ask for it. The P&P is not easily available, which also makes other things harder to access. I don't get the secrecy, although it goes along with the current trend for ultra-control and lack of communication that is comprehensive and freely given. I really feel uncomfortable with the gatekeeping that you have to know someone or go through the power structure to get information. Maybe with the new website we will get more? 

I sure hope so. I noticed that there are only a couple of years of minutes now as well as newsletters...I hope more archival info will be added back in when there is a more robust platform for it. Guess we'll find out. I suppose I could advocate for it, but the chilling reception I get when I speak up for anything has been really difficult to take. 

I've never experienced the membership being this divided into factions with so many people being in the out-crowd. Maybe this has been the case before but I was in the in-crowd. I hope it isn't the case, as I have always thought of our membership as being pretty united in our positive regard for our equal members. I do think the drama and division is coming from the top, so there is only one solution for that.

I'm sure that is why so much is riding on this election. Even if a lot of new people are elected, I don't see things changing quickly for the members. Guess we'll see. I have always been an optimist, so I will probably continue with that if I can. People are generally smarter than we think, certainly visible in the macrocosm. Tomorrow will be exciting I think, with all of the signs and passionate dissent. I hope it comes to the market. I had a hard week and want to have a fun day downtown. 

Ethics?

 I don't have time for a long post, but I want to remark on the Candidate Statement of the Board Chair, where he calls out, by name, one of the other candidates and blames her for some chaos that ensued this winter when Market was caught in some fairly serious policy and operations errors. The Board was embarrassed that they weren't prepared to handle them and didn't have a grasp of our bylaws, nonprofit law, or even our actual status as a mutual benefit corporation. They decided to blame the messenger.

When I was Secretary for fifteen years until last August, I made sure that every 6 months when new Board members were seated, that they got a rundown on the basics they would need to know in an orientation. It looked like this in outline form:

 I thought it was in use during the two or three orientations given by the previous Board Chair in my absence. She took over one when I was ill, instead of postponing a meeting of the whole Board when the Secretary could not attend, which is a bylaws violation, but it was overlooked as so many errors have been.

Without some ethical people in the power structure, members can never be sure if the law is being followed, or our internal policies and rules, or even the most basic ethical standards.

The previous Board chair did other actions that were not ethical, for which I have proof in writing, but which I am reluctant to make public (you can ask me for them.) I hate trashing volunteers, who rarely mean to do unethical things but may feel pushed to do them when the atmosphere becomes doing whatever means justify the desired ends.

The goal of terminating members has caused several cases of improper procedure, extreme distress for the members, and targeted, specific uses of unethical practices to make sure the goal of termination was met. Fortunately in both cases the terminations were not completed, as the Board reversed the decisions, but the chaos stated in the Chair's statement was about fighting the terminations' lack of proper process, lawful actions, and lack of Board support by the GM.

She doesn't even know what our status is, or is actively trying to change it. Trust for this power structure is gone, and we now see that the Board Chair is unethical, the previous Board Chair was unethical, and guess who was the Board Chair before that? Our current GM.

I won't even get into my list of strange things that have happened since we lost our GM in mid-2021. Yes, there has been some chaos, going back to then. Part of my role as an officer was to contain that, and I tried, at the expense of my personal life. I resigned last August as the only way I felt I could protect my own ethical standards and not be responsible for illegal or improper acts.

So they happened without me, but they still happened. I didn't want to blow things up as I had no solutions or the energy to implement them. I know what needs to be done. We need honest, ethical people in our power structure. We need to allow the strongly committed members of our organization to right this ship using the truth, actual study of our bylaws and job descriptions, and the acceptance of responsibility and service on the part of volunteers and paid staff.

Quite a few people are trying. When you use your vote, find out first who is working for truth and justice, and who has specific warped goals in mind. Stop the changes that keep happening to limit member strength and allow destructive behaviors and drama to dominate our organization.

And don't try to blame the whistleblowers and messengers. This is not about how charming someone can be, as there is a lot more at stake and a lot of false narratives to correct. 

We're in a serious crisis. Sure we had a good April and a good May, but the heat is coming and there will be other challenges. We need professional management and an end to drama.

That's all for now...I have work to do! 

Edit: And now the Vice Chair has also called out the same member in a letter to the Board and everyone who reads the Board Packet. I read over the bylaws and Code of Ethics, and this is a Code of Ethics violation. She wants the Board to make a policy to prohibit this whistleblower from participation. Exclusivity is also a violation of Ethics and the bylaws. This power structure is corrupt. I hope people are paying attention. The ends do not justify the means. 

More on Tactics and Joy

Yesterday I observed another joyful and productive market day, and managed to stay in the joy place the whole day, and stop myself from dwelling on things that were not in that realm. It was great but I did stumble into a few of the current minefields of drama.

The triangulating gets more evident as I look into it and I can see that it has been happening for a really long time...the past few years anyway. Stories are told, drama is created, people are hurt and offended and in some cases driven away. All of it benefits the narcissists and mean people and creates loss as an end product. 

Studying the narcissism is fascinating and important, to get why the market is being divided up, distracted from our pressing issues like overspending and overstaffing, and why older and wiser members are being sidelined and manipulated. Newer members are easier to attract to the in-crowd, pleased to be noticed and supported. Problematic people are portrayed as being leaders of factions, such as "So-and-so and her minions" which I heard yesterday. Minions means fighting and conflict is distracting. 

When you agree or disagree with someone, you don't necessarily join their faction. All of our members are really independent thinkers with their own experiences and perspectives, and dividing us up does not benefit us or the organization, it only benefits the power structure. It erodes the viability of the organization. A good management would never promote division, it would strive for unity and find ways to build community. Sadly the way we are currently being led is to unify against our common enemy, the X-tians who disrupted our May 17th market, while our true problems are coming from within.

Turns out they came because of a regional conference of that type of extremists and we have no reason to believe they will come more frequently (only twice in 2024) and they aren't targeting only us. So the current effort to amass resources we don't have, including paid staff time and the energy of volunteers, to fight them, is a distraction. We have bigger issues right now, like financial accountability, the distress of members being targeted, and the psychological issues that are destroying our community through the drama and lies being created.

The attempt to make everyone adhere to a company line is something I have to explore in my own past as well as what is happening now and recently. That old Duty of Loyalty asks the Board and Officers to support whatever the org has decided, so when a person disagrees with that decision, it does ask you to set aside that disagreement. But it does not go so far as to control and manage what is said and done by everyone in the org. Many of us noticed we did not have an avenue to disagree with things, not only Board decisions but other issues and concerns. We found we suffered retaliation or targeted discipline if we had a different opinion. A lot of people walked away over that. I even know of some less-than-ethical actions designed to keep the company line dominant over dissent. Way less than ethical. 

And this encouragement to make our concerns about the proselytizing public is causing misinformation. One letter to the Weekly said the disturbance was happening every week, when it has happened once in two months. Another letter was the kind of righteous defense of the market I remember having written in the past, a kind of "I know it all" response to difficulty that doesn't sound balanced for the whole community, but kind of a Market First proclamation that sounds entitled and arrogant. And it wasn't even truthful for all of us, as my sales did not stop, and I am guessing many members in other parts of the market also continued to sell well. I think that was because we insisted in not giving in to the bullying, but remained in our businesslike, focused customer service mode and were still friendly and calm. We didn't engage with the bullies.

And that is the thing I keep telling myself over and over. You can't engage with bullies and narcissists with the hope of defeating them, as it just makes their motivation to dominate you stronger. As I have said before, I am just not going to allow bullies into my sphere. They can do all of their triangulating, ruin my reputation, misunderstand me, and all that they do, but I will have my joy, peace, and make the end of my productive years work for me. You can work against them, but you don't do it by feeding into their narratives and allowing them to always set the stage to drama.

I will somehow continue the service and responsibility for the organization that has been my duty of loyalty all 50 of these years. Loyalty is not to the people in power, it is to the values and the vision that got us here and sustains us. I was told that I enjoy more privilege than anyone at the market, which stunned me as an example of how I am being misinterpreted. I have worked hard for all of these years to make sure I did not have privilege, that I always gave more than I received, that I always held the highest ethics and sense of responsibility that I was capable of, and promoted member equity. I know that was widely respected and treasured by a lot of members, although it may be destroyed now. I did not do it perfectly. I had to learn how, and of course I did make mistakes. I promoted that company line and wrote those impassioned defenses and sometimes I suppose my trust was misplaced and my statements were untrue, or at minimum, dismissive of other people's experiences. I'm still learning.

So in a way, I am enjoying this new period of observation from the outside and seeing if I can understand what is really going on, the patterns, the intentions, and the preventable mistakes. There is no shortage of things to reflect upon. Yesterday included some very authentic conversations with my neighbors and customers, and I learned a lot. Being in Raven's old space has a spiritual value that I may not have recognized fully. A visitor told me how Raven would dispel negative energy by transforming it, quietly and powerfully with his shakers and his intentions. I am sure he had to do that with me sometimes even! I remember how it felt to talk about my dilemmas with him. He always could point out the ways for me to move the emotions to more positive ones, and he did it without judgement, half the time without me even noticing. I really miss Raven in Raven's corner. I'm thrilled to be holding that physical space, but going forward I will try harder to hold that spiritual and emotional space. Maybe I need a shaker.

Caring about the Kareng Fund.

 Last week at market we had a great morning, just full of joy. There were many people from the Big 10 track meet, all new to market and fun to interact with. We also had a lot of people who were just being themselves, their sometimes weird and unconventional selves. Happy to be in a safe place where they could express whatever they wanted to express, they were also delighted with us, happy to be in a safe place expressing ourselves with our art.

 It was blissful. The predicted rain was just a few drops, hardly noticeable. Sales were great. Then the group of people I call the X-tians showed up with their horrible signs and loud proselytizing and started calling us all sinners who needed their version of fascist purity and moral rules that were what they would insist on imposing on us whether we gave our consent or not.

I'm just far enough away I can mostly ignore it, but it brought a nasty chaos that was more widespread. No one felt very safe. We all felt stressed. It didn't ruin my day, but it contributed to a lot of distress I had already been feeling after finding out some things I hadn't known were also being imposed on me, and others. Bullying from our own management on our members has been escalating. A lot of members are still not aware of it, but many of us have been targets.

Why on earth the management would want to battle with the members is the overlying question. It seems to be a huge difference in values and vision for the organization layered into a very poor skill set at the top. We just don't have professional and skilled management right now.

It adds stress to my Friday night and Saturday morning, but I was very successful this week at setting it aside and continuing to have the market life and experience I have always had and still insist on having. I have noticed an extreme division in the membership though. Some of us are no longer friends, and we no longer support each other. It's feeling tragic to me. We can't even manage to just work alongside each other, without nasty tactics by the people I call the mean girls, and a shit ton of avoidance.

I don't know where that will end. Damage is being done that will last. My post on the Kareng Fund on the members' page is being noticeably shunned...so people won't support the Kareng Fund? Can that be true? I'm shocked. How can that be happening? That is so much bigger than me, or any one of us. We have given over $120,000 in grants to artisans in crisis. What's not to support? And who is leading that effort to disenfranchise us? 

I sincerely hope that tomorrow I will find out that this is not at all true. I have been avoiding that members' page, since it blew up in the coup and I felt trashed, but the KF has nothing to do with that. I'm sorry I posted, and extra sorry I went back and looked at it. I hate Facebook for breaking into the peace I found this week.

I'm going to work on convincing myself all is well and try to recreate last week's joyful morning tomorrow. It used to be like that for me every week. I feel like I have lost so much in just the last two years, after a lifetime of giving, a lifetime of holding things together as unselfishly as I could. 

I didn't actually lose it. It was destroyed. I hope I can let this go. It's heartbreaking. 

I had fun today making these really pretty tote bags. I made too many, as it was going well and I was enjoying printing for a change. 

Edit: there seemed to be plenty of support for the KF today. Lots of people gave items for prizes and we generated some promotion for the Bingo event. A million thanks to Alex for giving up his day to setting up a collection station and giving out bags to the members for their donations. I also seem to still have plenty of friends. Grateful for that.

 

 

Triangulating

 I'm sure people are getting tired of my focus on narcissists but when you are being bullied and targeted, it takes a lot of your time and emotional energy, so it keeps coming up. One thing I discovered recently was that I was being used by the narcissists to bully someone else.

Triangulating is when the bullying is done indirectly, through a third person. What's happening for me, is someone is paying close attention to things I say, changing them to be disparaging, and making sure they are passed on to another vulnerable person. This is probably happening in more than one way. The only way you find out about these things is when the victims get together and air the issues that have been manufactured to be between them.

This used to happen in my family in a fairly benign way...siblings would go to Mom with their complaints and she would obligingly try to fix them for us. We were just trying to be safe with each other and didn't realize we were doing it, but my brother called it out and once we saw it we tried to stop. It took awhile, as it is easier when you are challenged about confronting personal issues like so many of us are. If you don't feel safe, it seems easier to be indirect and this allows things to build up until the misconceptions can really damage the relationships. But my brother works hard at clean communication and he helped us figure it out and stop using Mom. I, for one, was grateful. We don't get born knowing these kinds of things...it takes work, patience, and self-awareness.

I'm a lot better in writing than I am in speaking in person, and most people aren't, so things often go quite far without being addressed in my life. When a mean person inserts themself to misrepresent things, it gets built up to be relationship destroying. Mom was pretty innocent and nice, and our issues were just little sibling insecurities mostly, but the issues don't have to be big and important for people to feel hurt and treated badly. The bully likes it when it hurts, so they have no problem using actual words you said to hurt someone you had no intention of hurting. They just leave out the parts where you said things that were reasonable or forgiving and understanding.

One of the issues recently was that I found it not ideal to be referred to as an elder, with the associated idea that elders might not be around long, so you ought to appreciate them while they are here. Not intended to be insulting, but to people my age, death is a very different reality, along with the end of our productive years, our health complications, and the many things that make us retire or suffer crises we are not in control of. So in my work life, especially when OCF elders are actually retired people, which I most definitely am not, I would like a better term for me. I posted on FB about it and a lot of people agreed with me. It isn't a compliment but younger people think they are honoring us...not their fault. So I did complain, but also spent a lot of time trying to think of better terms so I could suggest them to the person who had said the thing. I didn't come up with much...it's so common to use elder, and meant to honor, so what works better? I kind of settled on asking to be focused on for my work, not my age. But I never went to the person who had said it to suggest the correction, because time had passed, it wasn't that important, and again, it's common. It was actually a refreshing change for the older ones among us to even be noticed, with all the usual emphasis in our culture on the new and young.

But they heard through the triangulation that I had been offended (actually I was amused, and not offended) and had held it against them as a criticism, which I really had not. It was said, I mentioned it briefly, but it didn't seem like something worth taking any further. And they were hurt. We may have cleared it up when she told me I should always bring criticism to her directly, and I said that I would have, if it had been important enough to me and I had a constructive suggestion. 

It wasn't a big deal but it revealed a pattern, that other things I had said were transmitted in that same way, so things added up for her. She then had an issue with me that was in the way of our working together, and thankfully she did bring that up when I didn't express any of my issues when we had a meeting where I could have. I rarely do bring up issues like that, particularly when it is connected with someone's job, so I didn't even have any to discuss. I assume that everyone is doing their job as well as they can, and I cut people a lot of slack and let them do it. I'll work around them if I need to, or avoid them if I have to. But I am generally not out to change people or their behavior, as I do not want people trying to do that to me. But she did have issues with me, so we emailed about them, and each got to give our perspective, which worked for me and I hope did for her. I tried to make my apologies not have those added clauses of excuses and reversals that apologies so often include.

Anyway, that was not the biggest issue of my week but I thought I would try to remember the triangulating tactic so I could watch more closely for it. Apparently I am not as safe to use my free speech as I would like to be. When there are mean people around, it is important to be careful, so the hurt doesn't spread as far as it wants to.

 In other news, I went to the lane County History Museum and connected with the Curator of Collections in a fun way. They had a little collection of early Market history which I loved to see, though it was mostly not new info for me, and I also viewed a great scrapbook by Donna Fogelstrom on the beginnings of 5th St Public Market, which I had never researched and it had a lot I didn't know. We talked a little about my other historical passions and I will have to go back soon as they have a great reading room now where the gift shop was, with a lot of things I want to look in. I so love research. I think I missed my calling and should have been an academic. I guess being a writer is close. It would have been a loss for the world if I hadn't made all those t-shirts too, I suppose. But I might have to do a post about what I learned there...right after I do that wrap-up of the Jell-O Art Show that is so overdue.

Rainy market tomorrow, first one of the season! Could be pretty wet. I got out the weight bags and booth sides and the whole deal and am planning to rough it, because it is usually kind of fun and people still buy hats. Plus, it's my job and I like to do it. Even though my week was a bit less than productive, I still have the most important day of it, so I'm ready. Let it rain!