More Thoughts

Why I am doing this instead of working on my Jell-O, I can't say, but I think it is because I have a lot on my mind, and it's pretty quiet around here.

It's Saturday, and spending some hours at the Park Blocks got me in the mood for that 12 hour day of intense effort that results in exhaustion, exhilaration, and a few bucks in my pocket that are sure not there right now. When I get home from a Market Saturday I am usually mute, talked out, full of energy but not for people. I usually am so grateful for the quiet and the lack of demands on me, because that is one demanding day that takes me a day to recover from.

But I have been thinking about this blog and what I am doing here. It's not a conversation, there's nothing much coming back most of the time that might change my mind or my sentence or shift my thoughts in a different direction. It's a bit of a conversation with an unknown listener, or one I project, and I do, of course, censor my words and write carefully so I don't tell lies and I don't hurt people. But I'm just talking to myself, in the quiet, in my controlled, safe space.

I'm pretty sure that most people who read it know that. I doubt many people even read it, especially the long posts that don't have pictures. I don't believe most of my family members even read it, or people whom I consider my best friends. It's not required.

I'll admit that it surprises me that my closest people don't, but I've learned that I can't expect much from my family or friends, or rather that it is wiser to be grateful for what you do get instead of having expectations of what you should get. That is just expressing what you want, really. I want them to want to know my deepest self, and what I say and think about, but they often want other things themselves, and it generally isn't intentional at all that they don't hear me. I could make it mandatory, but that probably wouldn't make them want it any more, maybe less.

I've been surprised, as well, that some people have taken great offense at me discussing the 8th St. issue here. Again, I thought it was clear that a blog is personal opinion. I have actually been really careful to use positive language, keep names out, and try to say things that I felt might advance understanding and harmony, not undermine it. I feel that I have been honest about my own shortcomings or wrong thinking, and have tried for a very balanced view. I may not be a great judge of that.

I suppose I can treat their offense as criticism and let it roll over me, but I'm actually really bad at getting criticized. I take it way too personally. I've had to work hard in my writing group to just write anyway, and stay strong about what I want to say and how to say it. In the blog, it's easier, because there isn't a critical structure, it's not a workshop. If people disagree I assume they just pass off my words as tangential rambling that doesn't need to concern them.

But I feel the need to mend things, so I'll have to think about how to do that. I'll have to be mature about the disagreeing and take the opportunity, if I get it, to ease things. It's one of those classic situations where I won't apologize, because I don't think I did anything wrong, and besides, they need to apologize to me, etc, etc, and so on. Some effort is needed, and I want to be big enough to offer it, if I can think of a way to do that without compromising.

I guess I can just suck it up and go buy vegetables from people who think I am their enemy. I did that at HM, and they didn't refuse my cash. If they still think I am their enemy when I am giving them my hard-earned dollars, well, then maybe just that will make them think again.

I've spent years building bridges over there, and I can just continue that work. We can safely disagree about things in our world. It doesn't extend to the personal, or doesn't have to. I'm pretty sure I made my points, and things seem to be going in a more cooperative direction at this time. I can be the first to drop the opposition stance, which has been hard for me to hold anyway.
I don't think things are going to hell in a handbasket, I mostly just didn't want the street to be closed. I don't even drive a fricken car.

Plus, I'm out of carrots, lettuce, spinach, onions, garlic, eggs, and all things farmed. I need them, and maybe someday they will acknowledge that they needed me once, and though they tossed me aside over this one issue, I'm still here, wanting to be friends, wanting us all to thrive.

One of them might even need a damn hat once in awhile. It's time to make peace.